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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1201414 times)

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Offline Snot Rocket

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #450 on: June 12, 2010, 07:51:13 AM »
Four drunks are in a bar talking and trying to figure out what the fastest thing that there is, the 1st drunk says , "Light, it goes 186,000 miles per second, and that's what everything is measured by". The drunks think about this for a few seconds, and then the second drunk speaks up. "I think the fastest thing is a blink, says in the Bible that he will come in the blinking of an eye, gotta be the fastest thing". The 3rd drunk says "Naah, that can't be it, you gotta think about blinking, so a thought has gotta be faster than that. I say a thought is the fastest thing". The other three drunks look at the fourth who has his head on the Bar almost passed out and ask him what he thinks is the fastest thing. The 4th drunk lifts his head, says "Diarrhea" and puts his head back on the bar. The other three drunks look at each other, and wake the 4th drunk back up to explain his answer. He replies "Yesterday morning, after drinking all night, I went to bed, and before I could think, blink, or turn a light on, I had Subaru all over myself".

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #451 on: June 18, 2010, 06:35:22 AM »
A friend wanted to buy a bakery...But she couldn`t raise the dough............................. :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #452 on: June 18, 2010, 08:43:53 AM »
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'  St. Peter asked.
 
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.  'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.  I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
 
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'
 
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #453 on: June 18, 2010, 12:09:23 PM »
The golf club's resident duffer decided to challenge the pro to a $500 match.  The pro was curious and asked about the proposed game, and the duffer replied that they'd play even up -- but that he (the duffer) would be allowed two "gotchas".  The pro didn't know what the heck was a "gotcha" but figured he'd be able to win anyway -- so they headed for the first tee.

A few hours later the folks at the clubhouse saw the pair returning after the 18th hole -- and were stunned to see the pro handing over a big wad of cash.  When the guys got in the clubhouse they were asked about the match and why the old guy beat the pro, and the pro replied:

"Well, as we were at the first tee and I was beginning my swing, this old fart reached up between my legs and grabbed my private parts while yelling "Gotcha!".  The crowd said, okay so why did you lose?

"Have you ever played a round of golf wondering when the NEXT gotcha will happen?"
Jon E. Wennerberg
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 (that's way up north)
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #454 on: June 25, 2010, 06:40:57 AM »
Why does a milking stool have 3 legs??? ..Because the cow has the udder :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #455 on: June 26, 2010, 02:13:47 PM »
Why does a milking stool have 3 legs??? ..Because the cow has the udder :cheers:

My friend, you're on the wrong side of the lake for cheezy dairy jokes. :-D
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

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Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #456 on: June 26, 2010, 05:47:50 PM »
Puns.  The lowest form of humor. 

1. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

2. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.  Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

3. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

4. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline fredvance

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #457 on: June 26, 2010, 07:27:08 PM »
#4 was a coffee spitter, :wink:
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Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #458 on: June 26, 2010, 10:18:04 PM »
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."


An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Enough, I'm going back out to the garage.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #459 on: June 27, 2010, 10:27:05 AM »
 :-D Thank you!!!!!
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #460 on: July 02, 2010, 04:45:31 AM »
I had a job as a life guard once......Some lady with a blue kid got me fired............... :evil:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #461 on: July 02, 2010, 08:56:29 AM »
 :?



 :mrgreen:

Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #462 on: July 02, 2010, 09:09:46 AM »
I had a job as a surgeon once. I got fired. It wasn't so much for the surgical practice as it was for the deep grooves in the operating table.  :-o
Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #463 on: July 02, 2010, 09:46:03 AM »
Two secrets to success..(1) Don`t reveal everything you know. :cheers:
« Last Edit: July 02, 2010, 12:26:15 PM by floydjer »
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #464 on: July 02, 2010, 12:23:27 PM »
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut