(Note: LANDRACING.COM donations are not tax deductible)


This is a public forum. The opinions expressed here don't
necessarily reflect the feelings of The Folks That Run The Site (that's us)
unless we explicitly say so, ok?


Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1201493 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 6484
  • Age: 60
  • Location: Beerhaven, Wisconsin
  • After further investigation, I/GT record holder
    • Milwaukee Midget Racing
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #45 on: April 09, 2009, 06:08:48 PM »
It's friday where i am
Always on the razor's edge, these Aussies.
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

McRat

  • Guest
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #46 on: April 09, 2009, 06:14:06 PM »
The difference between a nun and a girl in the bathtub?

One has hope in her soul ...

Online jl222

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2818
  • Location: Clovis calif.
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #47 on: April 09, 2009, 09:42:56 PM »
Once upon a time, I "thought" my opportunities for sexual release were below par.  My old pal SSS says: try my doctor, he's chinese but well respected.

So I make the appt. and explain to the doc that I'm not getting enough fun in my life and he says "Sounds like Ed Zachary disease!"

The good doctor then has me take off all my clothes and "craw rerry fass" to the other side of the room and back. "Jus as I thought, you hava Ed Zachary disease."

After a few moments of panic, I asked him exactly what that was . . .

"You face look ed zachary like you Acura."  (can I say @$$?)

  This joke can be hazardous at times. Linda was giving me an overdue haircut today when she said i looked awful I said '' I must have ed zachary disease'' then we kept chuckling but no nicks somehow :-D


  JL222 :cheers:
« Last Edit: April 09, 2009, 09:45:12 PM by jl222 »

McRat

  • Guest
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #48 on: April 09, 2009, 11:22:03 PM »
Yuppie is involved in a horrific traffic accident while he was talking on the phone.
CHP show up to assist the victims.

"MY BEEMER!!!  MY BEEMER!!!" sobs the yuppie.

"Don't worry about your damnn car!  Your arm got tore off at the shoulder, and I can't find it anywhere!!" exclaims the officer.

"MY ROLEX!!!!!" screams the yuppie ....

Offline floydjer

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3319
  • Age: 63
  • Location: grand rapids, michigan
  • "There is no duck side of the moon..."
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #49 on: April 10, 2009, 08:20:56 AM »
The bride and I went to a zoo in a small town. They only animal they had was a small dog. It was a Shih Tzu :cheers: J.B    Happy Friday
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline thrust39

  • New folks
  • Posts: 20
  • Age: 51
  • Location: Poole, England
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #50 on: April 10, 2009, 05:39:00 PM »
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

 

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the
Acura and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
If you can keep your head whilst all around you are losing theirs...     (Kipling)

Offline Milwaukee Midget

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 6484
  • Age: 60
  • Location: Beerhaven, Wisconsin
  • After further investigation, I/GT record holder
    • Milwaukee Midget Racing
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #51 on: April 10, 2009, 05:43:08 PM »
Okay, let's see if I can make this one work.  It's a technological challenge.

A whale goes into a bar, and puts a bottle of Jack Daniels on the bar, along with his revolver.

The bartender looks up, and says to the whale, "Listen, pal, first off, you can't bring your own packaged goods in here.  Secondly, I will NOT permit you to bring a weapon in here!"

So the whale says - (click on link)

http://neptune.atlantis-intl.com/dolphins/sounds/grindwal.mp3

"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

  • Nancy and me and the pit bike
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 12664
  • Age: 72
  • Location: Skandia, Michigan
  • Nancy -- 201.913 mph record on a production ZX15!
    • Nancy and Jon's personal website.
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #52 on: April 10, 2009, 07:14:18 PM »
Well, well, well.  I'm certainly glad I used up some otherwise-unneeded bandwidth to listen to that bit of whale sound.  Thanks.  I think.
Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
2 Club member x2
Owner of landracing.com

Offline Dr Goggles

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3107
  • Age: 170
  • Location: Melbourne Australia
  • The Jarman-Stewart "Spirit of Sunshine" Bellytank
    • "Australian Bellytank" , http://thespiritofsunshine.blogspot.com/
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #53 on: April 11, 2009, 01:01:17 AM »
The madam opened the brothel door in Sydney and saw a
 rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his
 late forties or early fifties.

 'May I help you sir?' she asked
 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
 Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

 Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she
 charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled
 out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they
went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more
 requesting to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one
had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too
 expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still
 $5000.

 Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie,
 and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone
 was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive
 night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

 After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one
 has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you
from?'.

 The man replied, 'Brisbane'.
 'Really', she said. 'I have family in
 Bisbane.'

 'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and
 I am her solicitor. She asked me to give you your $15,000
 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are
certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Few understand what I'm trying to do but they vastly outnumber those who understand why...................

http://thespiritofsunshine.blogspot.com/

Current Australian E/GL record holder at 215.041mph

THE LUCKIEST MAN IN SLOW BUSINESS.

McRat

  • Guest
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #54 on: April 11, 2009, 01:43:21 AM »
...
« Last Edit: April 12, 2009, 11:14:01 AM by McRat »

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

  • Nancy and me and the pit bike
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 12664
  • Age: 72
  • Location: Skandia, Michigan
  • Nancy -- 201.913 mph record on a production ZX15!
    • Nancy and Jon's personal website.
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #55 on: April 11, 2009, 12:57:46 PM »
You're really trying to test me, aren't you?
Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
2 Club member x2
Owner of landracing.com

Online manta22

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3627
  • Age: 81
  • Location: Tucson, AZ
  • What, me worry?
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #56 on: April 11, 2009, 06:29:24 PM »
On a recent drive back from the East, I noticed this sign-- a new LSR venue?  :-P

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ

Offline grumm441

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1440
  • Location: Somwhere in Australia
  • HK 327
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #57 on: April 12, 2009, 12:26:56 AM »
Okay, let's see if I can make this one work.  It's a technological challenge.

A whale goes into a bar, and puts a bottle of Jack Daniels on the bar, along with his revolver.

The bartender looks up, and says to the whale, "Listen, pal, first off, you can't bring your own packaged goods in here.  Secondly, I will NOT permit you to bring a weapon in here!"

So the whale says - (click on link)

http://neptune.atlantis-intl.com/dolphins/sounds/grindwal.mp3


Well there's five minutes of my life I'll never get back
G
Chief Motorcycle Steward Dry Lakes Racers Australia Inc
Wazavudu Bellytank  Spirit of Sunshine Bellytank

Offline Gwillard

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 238
  • Age: 57
  • Location: Ohio
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #58 on: April 12, 2009, 09:45:41 AM »
A dog walks into a Western Union office and requests to send a telegram. The telegraph operator asks what he would like to send and the dog replies, "Woof-Woof-Woof  Woof-Woof-Woof Woof Woof-Woof".
The operator tells the dog the rate is 10 cents a word, $1.00 minimum. "Would you like to add a tenth 'woof' to your message" he asks?
"Ten woofs?" says the dog. "Why, that message would make absolutely no sense at all."
Will weld for beer :cheers:

Offline Stainless1

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 7783
  • Age: 69
  • Location: Near Furley and Kechi KS
  • Robert W. P. "Stainless" Steele
Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #59 on: April 12, 2009, 11:08:36 AM »
Freud, got a test question...
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.   Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please give due consideration before you answer.


THE SITUATION:


You are in Richmond Virginia. On the James River to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photojournalist and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless  There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

===============================================

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. Somehow they look familiar. You suddenly realize who they are. It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!!  At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options: You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful people.


===============================================

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
 :-D
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.