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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1201492 times)

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Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #420 on: May 14, 2010, 04:29:29 PM »
From a friend in the medical trades:

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.       
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. M, San Francisco


2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . .  I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient. 

Submitted by Dr. R,  Seattle , WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. S


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. .
‘Which one ?'. .. . I asked. '
The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. R,  Norfolk , VA


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. S,  Corvallis , OR


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.’ .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. L,  Detroit


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery...
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN, no name,


8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said.  . . 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '

   Dr. wouldn't submit his name....


1 MORE--
 
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,’ she said, ‘I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.’
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline Dr Goggles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #421 on: May 14, 2010, 06:47:01 PM »
OK, here's one from first hand experience............

When I was about 19 I worked as a theater orderly at a public hospital here in Melbourne. Specifically I worked in the anesthetics department restocking and cleaning the procedure cabinets that sit next to the table  in the theater and the Boyles machines that have all the gas regulating gear on them.

Generally theaters have what are referred to as surgical "lists" the same stuff goes on at the same time of the week, Wednesdays at the Queen Vic was ENT ( ear, nose and throat) the bulk of it was rhinoplastys( straightening the bone structure) and septoplastys (opening up the inside of noses).Not cosmetic but more so people can breathe properly. Most local anesthetics are artificial cocaine derivitives like Xylocaine or what people commonly call "Novacaine"....these work as a local anesthetic AND they also work as a vaso-constrictor closing down capillaries and minimising bleeding.....however the best thing for this is just plain old cocaine. Because of the nature of the nose having a high blood supply and no way to put a tourniquet on it the best pre-operative procedure is to pack the nostrils with cocaine impregnated gauze, pharmaceutical grade,100% cocaine.

This procedure would generally be done by a trainee surgeon about 20minutes or so before the patient went into surgery and make no mistake people don't stick cocaine up their noses for no reason, when it's pharmaceutical grade it numbs them from their scalp to their adams apple and sends them off a bit......at the same time some of these patients have already had some other type of pre-op medication....While packing the patients nostrils the doctor will be explaining to them that it is being done so as to minimise pain, swelling and bleeding during and after the operation.

Anyway , I'm standing in one of the theater ante-rooms with my supervisor a very camp six foot four seventeen stone guy called Bruce(no , not kidding and he had dyed multi colored hair), we are watching as a very nervy trainee begins the nose pack gig on a patient, blah , blah.......Bruce leans down and whispers to me " mmmmmmm, and make sure you get the right patient this time you silly man"......................

The week before the same guy had dutifully packed the nose of a woman explaining as he went that it would reduce the pain, and swelling and bleeding during and after the operation , which she probably thought was kinda weird.......because she was going in to see the gynacologist.
Few understand what I'm trying to do but they vastly outnumber those who understand why...................

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Current Australian E/GL record holder at 215.041mph

THE LUCKIEST MAN IN SLOW BUSINESS.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #422 on: May 14, 2010, 08:59:16 PM »
Hmmmm....Let me show you how this thread works......This guy with dyxlesia walked in to a bra............
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline SlyOneJr

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #423 on: May 15, 2010, 12:04:34 AM »
One more for the Junior High School Reading List:

"The Tigers Revenge" by Claude Balls
New Guy building a L/Gas Lakester
Ninja 250 powered Lakester for ECTA meets

Offline Dr Goggles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #424 on: May 15, 2010, 07:57:28 AM »
Hmmmm....Let me show you how this thread works......This guy with dyxlesia walked in to a bra............

why thanks assgroper
Few understand what I'm trying to do but they vastly outnumber those who understand why...................

http://thespiritofsunshine.blogspot.com/

Current Australian E/GL record holder at 215.041mph

THE LUCKIEST MAN IN SLOW BUSINESS.

Offline doug odom

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #425 on: May 15, 2010, 11:01:43 AM »
You guys better be careful or you will get DAM after you.

DAM......    Mothers Against Dyslexia
Doug Odom in big ditch

How old would you be now if you didn't know how old you are?
If you can't race it or take it to bed - it ain't worth having.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #426 on: May 15, 2010, 03:39:20 PM »
Hmmmm....Let me show you how this thread works......This guy with dyxlesia walked in to a bra............
Hey - HEY - HEY!  This ain't funny.  I suffer from lesdyxia, and even I know how to take off a bar. :evil:
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline Snot Rocket

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #427 on: May 20, 2010, 03:09:39 AM »
The hillbillys were actually pretty smart, so smart in fact that they invented oral hygiene. You know if anyone else invented it we would be using teeth brushes and teeth paste...

Whats a hillbillys favorite activity on Halloween? Pumpkin...

A hillbilly gets off of work from the coal mine and is walking home when he notices that all of his clothes are sitting in the front yard and that his wife is throwing the rest of his possessions out into the front yard also. He asks his wife what is going on and she replies that she wants a divorce because she just found out that he was a pedophile. He then realized that pedophile was a very big word for a 12 year old...

Yeah, I know... It ain't Friday...
« Last Edit: May 20, 2010, 07:14:08 PM by Snot Rocket »

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #428 on: May 20, 2010, 06:13:57 AM »
"Lighten up" PM sent.

Jon
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 (that's way up north)
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Offline bvillercr

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #429 on: May 20, 2010, 01:44:25 PM »
 :-o :-o :-o Look out. :-D :-D

Offline wolcottjl

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #430 on: May 20, 2010, 03:35:39 PM »
Back to the medical humor - I think the emergency room doctor submitted this one to Readers Digest.

I have 4 boys ages 24 down to 11 and all of them are quite active in sports.  Needless to say we have been to the emergency room more than a few times.  A couple of years ago my 14 year old who at the time was 10 or 11 decided that he wanted to try and slide down the banister.  Well it didn't work to well and he fell from the second floor to the first floor hallway clipping a table before he smacked the hardwood floor.  He sat up after a few seconds - seemed ok except for a gusher out of the bottom of his foot.  He had caught a candlestick with his bare foot coming down. 

Off to the hospital - Of course my wife had called 911 in a panic when it happened and I hung up before before they answered (or so I thought).  Myself, wife and son make it to the emergency room after a bit of a drive in 2 feet of snow (DC doesn't do to well removing that much snow).  Anyway I walk in carrying him and the doctor looks up and says - Hey Joel -  Which one now? What did he do this time?  You know you have been to the ER one to many times when the doctor on staff at 11:00 at night on a Sunday is on a first name basis with you. 

About that time a nurse looks up and says,  sir I think your son is on the phone with a police officer.  The cops had showed up at our house with an ambulance and were none too happy when we weren't there.  I guess I hung up on 911 a little too late.  They thought someone was dying and dispatched fire-rescue, an ambulance, and a police cruiser.  My oldest told them we were at the hospital and they wanted to verify.  Anyway that all gets straightened out and the doctor looks at my son's foot.  He tells him that he is going to need a few stitches under his big toe.  My son looks at him and starts to cry for the first time since the accident. 

The doctor asks him what's wrong - My sons looks up and asks him.  Are you going to use a sewing machine?  Because I think that is going to hurt. 
Joel Wolcott
Moving to 2 wheels in 2010

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #431 on: May 21, 2010, 04:27:51 AM »
Speaking of Friday........................How deep would the oceans be if they weren`t full of sponges??? :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #432 on: May 21, 2010, 04:29:30 AM »
Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic???????? :evil:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #433 on: May 21, 2010, 09:43:15 AM »
 :-D  Three guys standing on the street corner, a black guy, white guy, and a Mexican guy.  They have had a couple of adult beverages in the tavern, and now they are out on the corner discussing how they would like to "buy" a woman for the nite.  They pool their money together and come up with $40.  A hooker is walking buy and she hears the three talking.  She says, "Hey fellahs, I could use some extra money, but I will only go home with one of you for $40.  So, to make it a contest to see who I go home with,,,the man who comes up with the best sentence using the words liver and cheese can have me for the nite.      After a minute or so the black guy jumps out and says, "Lordy, lordy. lordy mamma!  I sure does love to eat that liver and cheese!   The hooker says, that has alot of soul to it!   The white guy steps up and says,  frankly, a person from my culture, cares for neither liver, nor cheese.  The hooker says, "thats just lame....   The little Mexican guy looks at the black guy, then the white guy, and says...."Leever alone,,,cheese mine!
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #434 on: May 21, 2010, 11:35:27 AM »
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:  :mrgreen:

Backwoods funeral in UP Michigan

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play my bagpipes at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in rural Michigan.

I wasn't familiar with the mountain roads so I ended up getting lost and, being a typical man, didn't stop to ask for directions.  I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had already gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  The only ones left were the diggers and crew and they were on their lunch break.
 
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave, looked down, and saw that the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do so I started to play.  The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I played like I've never played before. 

And as I played  'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
 
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
 
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting In septic tanks for twenty years."
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!