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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1155211 times)

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Offline rambler jack

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #405 on: April 23, 2010, 02:31:35 PM »
Carnation milk co. was having a contest for a new slogan. A young lady entered with, Carnation  milk is grand the best milk in the land.
She gave the letter to her brother to mail. Before he did so he added his own ideas and sent it off. A month or so later she received a letter saying she had won first prise. It went on to say that due to the content the slogan would only be used in personel sales contacts. Remembering she had given the letter to her brother she asked what he had done. He told her he had added to the slogan so that it read ," Carnation milk is grand the best milk in the land no t*ts to pull no sh*t to pitch just punch a hole in the son of a b*tch.
                                   Jack
Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there
       SCTA GearGrinder

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #406 on: April 30, 2010, 11:35:33 AM »
Researchers have found the active chemical in beer...Turns out it`s a female hormone. Must be true, Because after 22 beers I start to talk Subaru and can`t drive worth a Dodge. :cheers: ( this is from memory, mind you)
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #407 on: April 30, 2010, 01:32:13 PM »
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.  However, the gates are closed,  and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.  Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I  know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

'First:  What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

'Second:  How many seconds are there in a year?

'Third:  What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the  first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?  Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

St. Peter's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?  Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?  Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:  January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.  Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and very frustrated St. Peter.  'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song:

'ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
'ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
'ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,  and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #408 on: April 30, 2010, 08:06:10 PM »
What was the 10th reindeer`s name?...."Olive"......."Olive the other reindeer".................
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #409 on: April 30, 2010, 08:15:32 PM »
What was the 10th reindeer`s name?...."Olive"......."Olive the other reindeer".................

She was the mean one - used to laugh and call him names.  I'll bet she was the one who orchestrated the ostracising of poor Rudolph.

DOE!
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline dtimney

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #410 on: April 30, 2010, 09:06:43 PM »
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says," Why the long face?"

Offline relaxedphit

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #411 on: May 04, 2010, 11:56:12 AM »
What do you call a Priest who robs a jazz club - Felonious Monk

Offline manta22

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #412 on: May 04, 2010, 12:32:37 PM »
relaxedphit;

Arrrggghhh...............

Seriously, when Thelonious Monk's wife was miffed at him she called him "Melodious Thunk".

Regards, Neil
Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #413 on: May 04, 2010, 10:24:52 PM »
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Another from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Yet another from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

So I asked myself, "Wow, what on earth is going on in Red Bluff that could make this crazy uncle of Mike's so prolific in the ways of humor?" 

Quote from Wikipedia -
"The town is well-known throughout the nation due to its popular bull competitions." :-D
May he never stop. :cheers:

Mike, warmest regards to your Crazy Uncle in Red Bluff!
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline 1212FBGS

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #414 on: May 04, 2010, 10:34:50 PM »
well Mikes crazy uncle in red bluff told me this one.......

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?'  Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars  that I can stand on one side of your desk, and  pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and  never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides  there's no way this old guy could possibly  manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and  unzips his pants, but although he strains  mightily, he can't make the stream reach the  wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much  urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge  win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet  me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and Plymouth all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!


Kent

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #415 on: May 07, 2010, 05:00:37 AM »
Two guys are in your kitchen. How do you tell which one is a cowboy??... He`s the one on the range :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #416 on: May 07, 2010, 09:30:21 AM »
From an Austrian friend--

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #417 on: May 07, 2010, 11:48:14 AM »
My crazy uncle from Red Bluff asked me to tell you guys how much he really appreciates the positive comments about his jokes.  He would have told you himself but he has legal restrictions about communicating on the internet with anyone besides immediate family.  :-D

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
  
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
  
He replies, "Yes - caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
 
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."  
  
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
  
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.  You can start tomorrow at 10:00AM - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."  
  
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 :cheers:
« Last Edit: May 07, 2010, 11:50:42 AM by 4-barrel Mike »
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline geh458

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #418 on: May 07, 2010, 01:31:30 PM »
What do you call a Priest who robs a jazz club - Felonious Monk

Some good music there, I recently bought a multi CD set that about 7 songs by him.

Gifford Hawn

Vintage Sports Car Racer looking to convert.......

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #419 on: May 14, 2010, 06:56:01 AM »
A grizzly bear walks in to a bar and says " I`ll have a rum and...................coke" Bartender says " What`s with the big pause"? and the bear says " I`ve had them all my life"
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.