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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1155214 times)

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Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #375 on: April 02, 2010, 09:08:05 AM »
Yet another from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. 'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da ...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road ... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'.

'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'. 'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #376 on: April 02, 2010, 09:28:53 AM »
Mike, can you get your uncle from Red Bluff to attend Salt Talks this year?  I think he'd be a great entertainer.
Jon E. Wennerberg
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 (that's way up north)
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Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #377 on: April 02, 2010, 10:11:20 AM »
As an un-reconstructed chauvinist, I pass along this scientifically documented study:

Behavior Procedures At A Bank's Drive-Thru ATM Machine:

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #378 on: April 02, 2010, 10:39:40 AM »
One day, while going to the store, a guy passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. He thought this
was a bit unusual, but continued on his way to the store.

On his return trip, he passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time his curiosity got the best of him, & he went inside to talk to the
Nursing Home Administrator.  "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," she said. "They 're retired prostitutes, & they're having a yard
Sale."
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #379 on: April 02, 2010, 10:43:14 AM »
Got this today from a friend in Portugal, English is not his first language, but I won't make any corrections:

An airplane, are sit side by side, an Peasant and and a Jehovah's Witness.

The Peasant asks the hostess a glass of red wine.

The hostess then asks the Jehovah's Witness if he also want to drink something. The Jehovah's Witness, offended, replies:

- I'd rather liked to be savagely raped by a dozen Babylon's prostitutes, than a drop of alcohol touch my lips!

The Peasant returns the glass of red wine to the hostess and tell her:

- Me too!!! I didn't know we could choose!...
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline michael lueders

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #380 on: April 02, 2010, 10:46:40 AM »
Rude Customers - How to handle.

For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers - An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna , British Columbia for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded flight was canceled after Westjet's 767s had been withdrawn from service.
A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have you attention please, " she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Screw You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #381 on: April 02, 2010, 11:32:34 AM »
Jehovah's Witnesses have no prohibition about drinking.  Maybe switch, for the sake of the joke, to Muslims or something.

Just thought I'd letcha know.
Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #382 on: April 02, 2010, 02:36:41 PM »
Couple of these weren`t bad..................check the thread title :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #383 on: April 02, 2010, 02:53:58 PM »
My apologies to the JW's reading.  But made me think of the local guy's '39 Stude drag race coupe when I was a kid, with the name "Holy Roller" painted on both sides.

But, here's another joke from Antonio in Portugal, again, without the English corrected:

T Ford and the Maserati Sebring:
He was on the road a Maserati Sebring to 100 miles/h, when suddenly, is exceeded by the famous Ford Model T, the driver shouts at him:
- Do you know the Ford T???!!!
The Maserati driver angry, depresse the accelerator and reaches 160 miles/h.
After some time, to great surprise of the driver of the Maserati Sebring, returns to being overtaken by the old machine of Henry Ford and again to the question, shouting:
- Do you know the Ford T???!!!
He was really upset and pulls the Maserati up to 180 miles/h. But again, the scene repeats with the scream:
- Do you know the Ford T???!!!
What you know?!... For a while, he couldn’t see the old Ford?!...
After a few miles, he see the Model T Ford that had hit a young little tree, which luckily the driver is bent under the old car and the victim, only suffered some minor abrasions.
Is was the time of the rematch of the driver of Italian car:
- Very well done! So you do not arm yourself in silly, bothering me with "do you know the Ford T?!"
- But I just wanted to know how to stop it... replied the Ford T driver.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #384 on: April 03, 2010, 07:11:24 PM »
One more from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff, a day late:

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

“Emma come first.  Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”

The lady can't take this any more, “You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly!

“In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man.  “Who talkin' abouta sex?  I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '!’

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again   :cheers:
 
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Cajun Kid

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #385 on: April 03, 2010, 08:30:53 PM »
Bravo Mike  :cheers: :cheers:
ECTA Record Holder Maxton
E/CBFALT, E/CBGALT, E/CGALT, E/CFALT, A/CGALT, C/CGALT, D/CGALT, C/CBGALT, B/CBGALT, C/CFALT
OHIO
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LTA Record Holder and 200 Club Member
A/CBFALT, B/CBFALT, C/CBFALT, C/CFALT, C/CGALT,   E/CGALT, E/CFALT

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Fastest Standing Mile at Maxton 196.967mph
Fastest Standing 1.5 Mile at Loring 213.624mph
Fastest Standing Mile at Loring 204.109mph

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Offline Geo

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #386 on: April 03, 2010, 08:45:48 PM »
 :-D I  owe you $5.00   :cheers:

Geo

Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #387 on: April 03, 2010, 10:30:45 PM »
 :cheers: Ya got 5 worth acomma frmme also!
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #388 on: April 09, 2010, 11:21:15 AM »
Where do you find a dog with no legs?  Where ever you left it :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline geh458

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #389 on: April 09, 2010, 11:47:06 AM »
My offices management structure:
Gifford Hawn

Vintage Sports Car Racer looking to convert.......