Stupid joke Friday

[fastesthonda_jim]

And on a related note:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1Jpesze3cM&feature=related

[fastesthonda_jim]

And now that we have a bit of a segue (that's Segway for those who are "counting"), and since it's not Friday, try this.  It's a bit of an old favorite, but I still love it. 

And if they'd been chasin' a Chevy they wouldn't a caught it in the first place.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y03K1QkuFYM

[jimmy six]

   Sorry I couldn't wait til Friday.................................. 

THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....
And BBQ's...... He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's,  and God saw that it was good.
 
On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming, and BBQ's on the beach,
and God saw that it was good.
 
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer
and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..
 
On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans,chops, sausages,
steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
 
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...

Well.... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas  to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.....

It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

[floydjer]

Why is it that when a woman is pregnant her friends all rub her belly and congratulate her, But they don`t rub the guy "below the belt" and say "Nice work'??

[bbarn]

Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!" Ê

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[wolbrink471]

do I dare call  it number 22.......

A termite walks into a bar, looks around and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

Mark

[Tzoom]

Or 23.  What do you call a fly with no wings?  A walk.

[bbarn]

24. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
25. What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him for a drag.

[theazoldcrow]

   An old repeat of mine:  What happens when you cross a mule, and a peanut butter sandwich?  You either get a hairy peanut butter sandwich,,,,,or a piece of azz that sticks to the roof of your mouth!             Crow.

[Milwaukee Midget]

 
Friday, the 26th of March, and no stupid joke to be had?
We have become a humorless lot.

Or are we simply saving it up for April Fools day?

[landsendlynda]

Sure looks like everybody suddenly realized they were running out of time with their builds!!!  Of course, we've always got you handy, MM, to lighten the load!!

Lynda

[k.h.]

With apologies for the lack of political correctness and picking on our neighbors to the south, if Stupid Joke Friday was without any entries, I offer this a day late:

Two Mexican chaps are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees a ham bush...."

[floydjer]

Sorry everyone, I was  out of town, forgot, and a day late. Won`t happen again :cheers:J.B.

[Tzoom]

With apologies for the lack of political correctness and picking on our neighbors to the south, if Stupid Joke Friday was without any entries, I offer this a day late:

Two Mexican chaps are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees a ham bush...."

If there is ever an award for the "Best (Worst) of Stupid Joke Friday" this one will be a finalist.  The envelope please.

[floydjer]

With apologies to the ladies of the site...........................Did you hear there is a new drug for women who turned lesbian but want to go back to being straight? It`s called "Tricoxagin"