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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1155236 times)

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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #330 on: February 19, 2010, 07:22:36 AM »
When we were young, My sisters "smoked" so many candy cigarettes, I got second hand diabetes.
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #331 on: February 19, 2010, 01:51:57 PM »

> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
> situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
> wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The
> dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
> later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
> 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
>
Jon E. Wennerberg
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 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
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Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #332 on: February 19, 2010, 02:39:31 PM »

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
Jon E. Wennerberg
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Offline DallasV

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #333 on: February 19, 2010, 02:56:40 PM »
Thought for the day:
Some people are a lot like slinkies, Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
Records or parts, I didn't come all this way not to break something.

Offline bbarn

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #334 on: February 19, 2010, 07:43:53 PM »
Thought for the day:
Some people are a lot like slinkies, Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

That's one of my favorites! I have it on my office wall along with "Never underestimate the power of a large group of stupid people" and "Nothing is foolproof to the sufficiently talented fool"
I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Offline landsendlynda

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #335 on: February 19, 2010, 08:53:56 PM »
Thought for the day:
Some people are a lot like slinkies, Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

They must have met super Kaz!!   :roll:

Oops, sorry Jon   :-D

Lynda
Volunteer roadblock at Land's End! Yes, you need your stinkin badge! I'm your Dream Keeper, I protect your dream on the asphalt so you can chase your dream on the salt!

Offline k.h.

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #336 on: February 19, 2010, 09:50:49 PM »
This morning, I went down to have my dog apply for welfare. 
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". 
So, I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, lazy,
can't speak English, and has no clue who her father is. 
So, she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dog gets her first check this coming Friday. 
Dodge, this is a great country.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #337 on: February 20, 2010, 12:46:14 PM »

> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
> situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
> wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The
> dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
> later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
> 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
>
I happen to "Know a guy" that did that, "Back in his drinking days".....Sat there acting like he was looking for something so people wouldn`t think he was stupid.....or real drunk. :wink:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #338 on: February 26, 2010, 09:49:27 AM »
Stopped by a Blonde friend `s house to see how her bathroom paint job was progressing. She was standing there wearing a ski parka and a 3/4 length leather jacket. I asked about her attire and she said "The can says for best coverage,apply two coats"
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #339 on: February 26, 2010, 10:44:51 AM »
Getting to the bottom of the barrel, Jerry.
Jon E. Wennerberg
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 Skandia, Michigan
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HotRodV8

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #340 on: February 26, 2010, 10:52:10 AM »

> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
> situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
> wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The
> dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
> later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
> 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
>

SSS - -

I have Floridian neighbors like this.

The report did not go on to say she mention that "after they took all that stuff, they installed a beautiful padded dashboard."

S-J-F  :-D

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #341 on: February 26, 2010, 11:26:29 AM »
Getting to the bottom of the barrel, Jerry.
But......I`m staying "on topic"
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #342 on: February 26, 2010, 12:08:14 PM »
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed; lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.  Then, the still shaking driver said,  'Are you OK?
I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
 
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.  Today is my very first day driving a cab I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.'

Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #343 on: February 26, 2010, 12:15:11 PM »
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Gwillard

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #344 on: February 26, 2010, 03:11:26 PM »
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!
Will weld for beer :cheers: