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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 945990 times)

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Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3195 on: March 24, 2017, 11:23:23 AM »
* Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
* Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.  :evil:
* I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
* When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
* A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it. [You're not fat, you're just... easier to see. :-D]
* Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?  :?
* You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
* Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
* My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.  :x
* I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.  :-o
* Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
* If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
* Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.  :roll:
All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3196 on: March 31, 2017, 06:42:24 AM »
On a side note, you kids gotta be good today.  Nancy and I are gonna spend a day or two in the car (Chicago tonight, Indy tomorrow night, home Sun) on a sex trip so I might not keep a close eye on you.

Behave, okay? :?
Jon E. Wennerberg
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3197 on: March 31, 2017, 08:23:06 AM »
I`m taking my pet rabbit to London...We are flying British Hare-ways............
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Online tortoise

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3198 on: March 31, 2017, 01:12:51 PM »
I went in for my Medicare wellness interview yesterday. The nurse, (checking for dementia, I guess,) asked me to name five words starting with "P". "Photon, psoriasis, ptarmigan, phthisis, and morning", I answered. She looked at me for a few seconds and said that morning doesn't start with a "P". I told her that mine does.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3199 on: March 31, 2017, 01:29:02 PM »
well then....Urine luck............. :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3200 on: March 31, 2017, 05:24:27 PM »
My mom used to tell us bout words that had silent letters, like the letter "p".  She'd say that "the "p" is silent as in pnuemonia and swimming".
Jon E. Wennerberg
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Offline bbarn

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3201 on: April 07, 2017, 06:57:22 AM »
Why do Elephants paint their testes red?


To hide up the cherry trees of course..


What makes the loudest noise in the jungle?


A Giraffe eating cherries..
I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3202 on: April 07, 2017, 08:03:59 AM »
Patti was pulled over by a cop...Officer looked at her license and asked if she should be wearing her glasses..Mrs. Floydjer replied that she has contacts..Cop said " I don`t care who you know..You need to wear your glasses...
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3203 on: April 07, 2017, 08:06:05 AM »
My doctor asked how I felt...I told him I felt like a million bucks...He suggested I buy something  as the change would be good for me............... :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3204 on: April 07, 2017, 09:20:03 AM »
I was interviewing a recently graduated, remarkably talented young audio engineering student for a position.  Solid education, recommendations from two instructors I personally know.  It actually got down to the point of salary talks.

I asked him, "What kind of salary range are you thinking of?"

He thought for a moment, and said, "I think I should be looking at a compensation package of $150,000.00 per year, 3 weeks vacation and health insurance."

I told the young man, "What if I were to offer you $175.000.00 per year, no weekend work, cover all your insurance costs, give you 5 weeks of vacation and 8 paid holidays, a 5% match to your 401-k, and the unfettered use of a new Corvette as a company vehicle?"

The kid's mouth dropped, and he said "You're kidding?".

"Of course I am", I replied, "but you started it."



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Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

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Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3205 on: April 14, 2017, 06:54:44 AM »
Little Larry the Fighter Pilot

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
 
"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore"
 
 
 
Jon E. Wennerberg
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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3206 on: April 14, 2017, 07:32:45 AM »
The Easter bunny`s favorite comedian??  Carrot Top
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3207 on: April 14, 2017, 07:34:07 AM »
His favorite actor is....Anthony Hopkins :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3208 on: April 14, 2017, 09:57:13 AM »
Know how the easter bunny stays in shape????..........Eggsercize............
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Stainless1

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #3209 on: April 14, 2017, 09:40:36 PM »
Favorite vacation spot..... Easter Island  :cheers:
Stainless
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