Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 923760 times)

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Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2820 on: April 15, 2016, 01:44:44 PM »
1.       I think the Wild West in the 1880’s could have avoided a lot of conflict had the architects designed the towns big enough for everyone.

2.       My neighbor is in the Guinness Book Of World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. Just a stone’s throw away, in fact.

3.       I work out religiously …. Christmas and Easter.

4.      The office Christmas party is a great time to catch up with people you haven’t seen in 20 minutes.

5.      The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2821 on: April 22, 2016, 08:09:59 AM »
One Christmas gift I`ll always remember was a section of  a log that was stripped of bark and had a 30-06 round in it....It was a cartridge in a bare tree.....
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2822 on: April 22, 2016, 10:56:59 AM »

 
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
 
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "
 
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
 
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair. "
 
 

"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2823 on: April 22, 2016, 06:51:49 PM »
1.     Farmers make a fortune from selling hay.  They are literally raking it in.

2.     Music comes full circle…..

       1985:  “Vinyl sounds awesome!”

       1995:  “You still listen to music on vinyl?  Vinyl is dead, man.  [Remember 4 & 8-tracks?] CD’s are rad!”

       2005:  “You still listen to music on CD’s?  CD’s suck, dude.  iPods are the bomb!”

       2013:  “You still listen to music on iPods?  Use the cloud from your phone, bro!  Streaming is supreme!”

       Now:  “You still stream music? Streaming is sick!  Vinyl sounds awesome.”

3.    There are 10 types of people in the world.  Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

4.    I have been reading the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

5.    Mommy dog to puppy:  “Don’t fill up on homework.  We’re eating dinner soon.”

6.    I don't always use a passive voice but when I do it's intentional!
All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2824 on: April 29, 2016, 06:53:06 AM »
 A cat was walking across a field when he fell down a well....I guess he didn`t see that well...... :cheers:  (Thank You  Megyn Kelly )
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2825 on: April 29, 2016, 07:49:52 PM »
1.     I re-named my ipod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”

2.     The bad news is that your blood and DNA were found at a crime scene. The good news is that your cholesterol is 130.

3.     Nature abhors a vacuum. But not as much as a cat does.

4.     Running to the Emerald City to see the Wizard, the Tin Man got run over by a steam roller. He said, “Rats, foiled again.”

5.     How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light bulb? Whatever.
All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2826 on: May 06, 2016, 07:40:27 AM »
What if there were no hypothetical situations??.....
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2827 on: May 06, 2016, 07:43:45 AM »
Frosty the snowman and his wife  have a 5 year old son....It`s the son`s birthday, so Mrs. S/M bakes a cake for the lad. The kid takes a big slice, Bites into it, spits it out and yells  " This tastes like boogers " !...Mom replies...."  "Well...It is carrot cake " :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline WOODY@DDLLC

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2828 on: May 06, 2016, 01:01:04 PM »
1.     Taxi drivers are the only folks I know who earn a living by driving their customers away.

2.     I’d tell you a joke about a roof, but I think it will be over your head.

3.     I plan to be spontaneous first thing tomorrow.

4.     Always give 100% whatever you do.  Except when giving blood.

5.     I like to stop the microwave oven with 1 second left…just to pretend I defused a nuke.

6.     How do you count cows? With a cowculator!
All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz

Offline wlarryglick

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2829 on: May 06, 2016, 01:08:53 PM »
Never try to teach a pig to sing: It wastes your time and annoys the pig.  :o)

Penny

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2830 on: May 06, 2016, 04:57:19 PM »
So a guy  gives his mate ten Puns hoping that one of them would make him laugh . Sadly no pun in ten did .

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2831 on: May 13, 2016, 08:16:26 AM »
My cat Milo has decided to become a police officer....so I`ll have a family member in paw enforcement..............
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2832 on: May 13, 2016, 08:17:19 AM »
...He` eating breakfast right now.....Mice krispies.............
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline bbarn

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2833 on: May 13, 2016, 09:18:39 AM »
I am really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.... I don't know Y...
I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2834 on: May 13, 2016, 10:05:20 AM »
I`ll bet numbers like you Rob...except 4 the 1`s you 8.....................
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.