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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 945925 times)

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Robin UK

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2505 on: May 08, 2015, 11:25:34 AM »
Ho Ho Ho. Knew you guys wouldn't let me down.

Not sure how it works there but over here you have to pay a deposit to register yourself as a parliamentary candidate. If you then poll less than a certain percentage of the vote you lose your deposit. Bill must be the only politician who lost his deposit before an election  :-D And Monica had the dress as proof of it. Yet more evidence of male intellect seemingly controlled from well below the waist line on many occasions.

Robin

Offline Speed Limit 1000

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2506 on: May 08, 2015, 11:41:14 AM »
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a plain pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
John Gowetski, red hat @ 221.183 MPH MSA Lakester, Bockscar #1000 60 ci normally aspirated w/N20

Offline USFRAMONTE

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2507 on: May 15, 2015, 08:31:25 AM »
I have decided to have my wife creamated after she passes.


I figure it is my last chance to have a wife with a smokin hot body!

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2508 on: May 15, 2015, 09:13:05 AM »
Monte, I could lend you Nancy.  You'd have to forgo the marriage certificate, though -- but you might be able to get away with just a learner's permit. :cheers: :cheers:
Jon E. Wennerberg
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 (that's way up north)
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Offline USFRAMONTE

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2509 on: May 15, 2015, 09:41:11 AM »
Do you all know the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?


One is "see you later" and the other is "after while".

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2510 on: May 15, 2015, 06:58:55 PM »
Well, we lost one of the greats today - B. B. King passed away.

Which reminds me of a joke . . .

There was a woman in Whichevertown that spent the night with B.B. King the last time he came through.
She even went so far as to have a "B" tattooed  on each of her butt cheeks.
After the concert, back in his hotel, she proudly took off her clothes to showed the legendary guitar player the tattoos.
King was impressed with the fine work but asked politely..."Who the hell is BoB?
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2511 on: May 15, 2015, 07:03:23 PM »
Great joke, Chris.  I've told that one many times -- although substituting this name or that one -- but always with the two "b"s.  thanks for the refresher.  Long live B.B. King.
Jon E. Wennerberg
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Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2512 on: May 22, 2015, 08:25:34 AM »
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.  The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.  The iTit is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Stainless1

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2513 on: May 22, 2015, 08:40:29 AM »
Mike, good to see an old guy staying abreast with technology  :cheers:
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline sabat

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2514 on: May 22, 2015, 08:57:12 AM »
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.  The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.  The iTit is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Apple stock just perked up 2 points.

Offline fastesthonda_jim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2515 on: May 22, 2015, 08:58:09 AM »
At the risk of implanting any lurid thoughts did you hear about the team of artistically tattooed strippers and their creative fundraising idea?  They're doing it "for the children" so they are going to perform and all proceeds go to the charity.  Oh, and they're going to call it "Tits with Tats for Tots"
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Offline Stainless1

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2516 on: May 22, 2015, 09:13:55 AM »
This guy heard about them....  :cheers:
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline USFRAMONTE

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2517 on: May 22, 2015, 09:41:51 AM »
Do you know the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer?

One is a bird watcher and the other is a word botcher.

Offline Ron Gibson

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2518 on: May 22, 2015, 02:52:11 PM »
Most of today's jokes are titillating but an "A" size at best.

Ron
Life is an abrasive. Whether you get ground away or polished to a shine depends on what you are made of.

Offline fastesthonda_jim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2519 on: May 22, 2015, 04:33:39 PM »
Boy you said a mouthful, Ron
2006 SCTA High Points Champeen
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Bonneville "2" Club 2003
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Bonneville Records: G/GS, F/GS (Boy)  G/FS (Girl)
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FIA Records A, II, 8
Unlimited License
300mph line qualified (305.129 best mile speed)
The older half of San Diego's Fastest Couple
2016 Man of Distinction Award
DLRA 2019 Top Speed of The Meet