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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 700141 times)
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Seldom Seen Slim
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« Reply #2475 on: April 17, 2015, 01:54:23 PM »

Wow - that's really old, but good.  I did hear it, no kidding, from my mother.  She phrased it as Virginia was one of the girls in her high school class.  Mom must have been in her 60s when she told it to me.  I learned lots of stories and humor from my parents and aunts/uncles -- humor specialising in dirty jokes.  Too bad all of those people are dead -- there must be some that I haven't yet heard.
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« Reply #2476 on: April 17, 2015, 02:17:39 PM »

You can always go with an "Ole and Lena" joke . . . not mine, but . . .

Ole and Lena were watching over their new grandson, Lars.  Ole held the baby, and Lena came over and said,
 
"You know, Ole, I think little Lars there might need a diaper change".

Ole reached over to the bag of Pampers, and said,

"Oh, no, Lena.  Everything's fine.  It says right here on the package, 'up to 25 pounds.'"
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"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

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Stainless1
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Robert W. P. "Stainless" Steele Wichita, Kansas



« Reply #2477 on: April 17, 2015, 02:58:50 PM »

SSS, look over on the LSR thread... I left you one that may be right...

Didn't want to clog up the drain on this one's liners
 cheers
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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
Robin UK
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« Reply #2478 on: April 24, 2015, 04:14:37 AM »

News reports just in of a major explosion at a French cheese factory. Witnesses say there is de Brie everywhere.

Robin
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #2479 on: April 24, 2015, 08:02:20 AM »

A couple for Jon:

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."  Lynn Lavner

 
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."   Camille Paglia
 

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns

 
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."  Sharon Stone

 
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."  Robin Williams
 


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" Billy Crystal   
 
 
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

 
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"  Dustin Hoffman
 
 
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"  Jerry Seinfeld

 
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."  Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."  Joan Rivers

 
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin

 
"Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same."  Oscar Wilde
 
 
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns
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Stainless1
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Robert W. P. "Stainless" Steele Wichita, Kansas



« Reply #2480 on: April 24, 2015, 08:41:33 AM »

News reports just in of a major explosion at a French cheese factory. Witnesses say there is de Brie everywhere.

Robin

Must be terrorist activity, just heard the same thing happened in Switzerland... all their cheese was riddled   
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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
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« Reply #2481 on: April 24, 2015, 09:02:23 AM »

All these stories about cheese might get MM or Fordboy started on the Cheddar curtain. That would be grating.

Ron
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Life is an abrasive. Whether you get ground away or polished to a shine depends on what you are made of.
Stainless1
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« Reply #2482 on: April 24, 2015, 09:26:11 AM »

Shred that thought Ron, I think they will turn bleu before they engage in this Mozzarellated discussion
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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
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« Reply #2483 on: April 24, 2015, 09:54:18 AM »

News reports just in of a major explosion at a French cheese factory. Witnesses say there is de Brie everywhere.

Robin

Brits - always picking on the French . . .

It's whey too easy . . .


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"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!
Robin UK
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« Reply #2484 on: April 24, 2015, 02:21:05 PM »

Basil Brush on YouTube - what a legend. grin

What cheese do you use to disguise a small horse? Mascapone.

My neighbour threw a big lump of Cheddar at me. I thought, that's not very mature.

Robin

ah zee French - our oldest enemies. Which is why I go there a lot to wind them up.
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fastesthonda_jim
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« Reply #2485 on: April 24, 2015, 04:26:47 PM »

Hey!  Don't knock the French.  If it wasn't for them you'd probably be speaking...English!
Sheesh! (or to better serve this thread) Cheese!
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Robin UK
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« Reply #2486 on: April 25, 2015, 06:17:19 AM »

Hey!  Don't knock the French.  If it wasn't for them you'd probably be speaking...English!
Sheesh! (or to better serve this thread) Cheese!

Jim - us Brits are only truly friendly with anybody they can take the Plymouth out of. Ask Landspeed Louise - she has often witnessed it at first hand grin You should be in the crowd at a cricket match between us and the Aussies. Non stop abuse both ways but funny as hell. Even better, test matches last for 5 days so you can get your annual laughing fix all in one go. My father in law often says that he smiles first thing in the morning to get it out of the way.

I have a trip to the south of France coming up to drive across the Pyrenees with a friend in an old Bentley so I shall be sure to wear my best striped T shirt and a string of onions. Oh, and we'll take plenty of cheese for lunch.

Robin
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« Reply #2487 on: April 25, 2015, 08:10:28 AM »

No worries, Robin.  I've often noticed a "peculiar" trait among the Brits (Aussies, Kiwis, or POME's... doesn't matter).  I mean if you get three of them together, strangers, even, it's not but three minutes before they're all laughing about something.  And I have had my (we'll call it) "ego" pulled out from under me more times than I can count by a Brit.  Generally in a humorous way and generally loved the "insight" into meself.
And have a great trip!
« Last Edit: April 25, 2015, 08:12:34 AM by fastesthonda_jim » Logged

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El Mirage Records: F/BFS, F/FS, F/GS, I/FS, I/GS, K/BGS
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« Reply #2488 on: April 25, 2015, 08:32:22 AM »

I went to a French restaurant once, and as I walked across the dining room, I kept sinking and sinking into the rug - it was like a morass of goo.  By the time I got to our table, I had to ask the maitre d to help me up to my seat.

After I caught my breath, I asked him what kind of floor covering they had.

"Les Brie Carpets", he informed me.
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"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!
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« Reply #2489 on: April 30, 2015, 05:06:54 PM »

Hey, Goggles.... tell 'em it's okay will ya"?    I mean the Friday joke day thingie and all, okay?
And I hope you get this joke and all, cause it's about guns and umm...  oh well... you'll see.

Gun Control

Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl , with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-Acura, stop clapping!'
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2006 SCTA High Points Champeen
2006 Dirty "2" Wrench Of The Year
Bonneville "2" Club 2003
El Mirage Dirty "2"'s 2006
Bonneville Records: G/GS, F/GS (Boy)  G/FS (Girl)
El Mirage Records: F/BFS, F/FS, F/GS, I/FS, I/GS, K/BGS
FIA Records A, II, 8
Unlimited License
300mph line qualified (305.129 best mile speed)
The older half of San Diego's Fastest Couple
2016 Man of Distinction Award
Pages: 1 ... 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 [166] 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 ... 244   Go Up
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