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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1155240 times)

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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #240 on: November 20, 2009, 06:40:19 AM »
Two guys are fishing when a D.N.R. officer pulls up to the boat and  asks for their fishing lic. One guy fumbles his wallet and in the lake it goes. Just as he reaches in the water to retrieve it, A big fish grabs it and swims away. That fish passed the wallet to another fish, who did the same until a school of them were taking part in the  "game". The 3 men watched in awe ,as none of them had ever seen " Carp to carp walleting"
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #241 on: November 20, 2009, 08:57:00 AM »
 :roll: OOoooooooooo!
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #242 on: November 20, 2009, 09:14:00 AM »
The economy is so bad … (How bad IS it?!) …

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 Ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

The economy is worse than divorce.  I lost half my money and still have the wife.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal...Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear.

 :mrgreen:
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline theazoldcrow

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #243 on: November 20, 2009, 11:14:36 AM »
And if it cost a quarter to s h i -,  I'd have to throw up!                Crow.
The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #244 on: November 20, 2009, 01:41:15 PM »
I asked a masochist friend why she married a sadist .She said...."Beats me"
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline bbarn

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #245 on: November 20, 2009, 01:46:31 PM »
You know what you give the cannibal that is late for dinner?

The cold shoulder...http://instantcrickets.com/ Hello, is this mic on?
I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Offline Gwillard

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #246 on: November 25, 2009, 08:36:50 PM »
Not a joke...or Friday...but what the heck.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buttered_cat_paradox
Will weld for beer :cheers:

Offline aircap

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #247 on: November 25, 2009, 08:58:52 PM »
I like it.
"Act your age, not your shoe size". - Prince

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #248 on: November 27, 2009, 01:31:20 PM »
A couple go out for dinner and the guy asks the waitress what the evenings specials are. She tells him it`s chicken on wild rice w/ a cream sauce. He asks "How is the chicken prepared"? Waitress says " We break it to him gently and tell him it`s nothing personal" :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #249 on: November 27, 2009, 02:31:23 PM »
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
 
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
 
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like ten million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!  And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

' NO Subaru .' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'   
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline bbarn

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #250 on: November 27, 2009, 05:25:52 PM »
Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's freakin hilarious!

I know, I know...that's probably in bad taste and I'll pay for it later. I just can't resist a joke with an unexpected punchline. This one is the opposite, it has an expected punchline.

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

See, not as funny as the first one...
I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #251 on: December 04, 2009, 08:38:37 AM »
What do you call video of pedestrians?............."Footage"
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline jimmy six

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #252 on: December 04, 2009, 10:21:58 AM »
 Not so Stupid........................

A Redneck from Texas walked into a bank in
New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told
the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to
borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need
some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed
over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on
the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced
the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using
a  $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the
$5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said,
'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a
highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real
estate and financial interests all over the world. Your
investments include a large number of wind turbines
around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?

The good  'ole Texas boy replied, Where else in
New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only
$23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?


 
First GMC 6 powered Fuel roadster over 200, with 2 red hats. Pit crew for Patrick Tone's Super Stock #49 Camaro

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #253 on: December 04, 2009, 01:05:25 PM »
I just received this from my uncle in Red Bluff California:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.  When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a  break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.  So my wife called him a Subaru-head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.  It's important at our age.
 
 :cheers: Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline doug odom

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #254 on: December 04, 2009, 03:16:01 PM »
JD, That reminded me. In the 60's my wife worked in Beverly Hills on Wilshire Blvd. The guys in the Standard Gas station across the street told her that the actress Edie Adams would always pull into the back of the station and tell them she wanted her battery charged and take off. 3 hours later she would come back and pay $1 for the battery charge. Being so good looking none of the guys minded that she was saving $8 by not parking in the parking lot next door for $3 an hour.
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