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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 906731 times)

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Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2370 on: February 20, 2015, 08:05:10 PM »
Not jokes in the literal sense of the word, but enjoy these that I just got from Russ Balconi:

 
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
 
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.  I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach.  It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels.  We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy.  We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons.  I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water.  The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort.  Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England.  It took the Americans only three hours to get home.  This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.'  We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there.  The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish.  No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito.  The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancĂ©e and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed.  We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant.  This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
 
BE AWARE ... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!
Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
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Offline Stainless1

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2371 on: February 20, 2015, 09:08:28 PM »
Jon, Your list was Catastrophic... it would be a purrfect fit for the LSR Joke thread so Jerry doesn't have a cat fit and want to scratch your eyes out.
 :-o :-o


added... Just a reminder of the kind of stuff that is reserved for Friday
« Last Edit: February 20, 2015, 09:10:40 PM by Stainless1 »
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline jacksoni

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2372 on: February 21, 2015, 02:10:47 PM »
Keep this up and we will all be catatonic....
Jack Iliff
 G/BGS-250.235 1987
 G/GC- 176.245  2018
 G/GMS-182.144 2019

Offline Graham in Aus

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2373 on: February 22, 2015, 11:00:49 PM »

Q. Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

A. Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.


Nice German joke!

I thought the answer was:

Q. Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

A. Because the Parrots-eat-em-all...........   :roll: :roll: :cheers:

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2374 on: February 27, 2015, 07:09:59 AM »
What did the traffic light say to the car???  " Stop looking at me...I`m changing"...(Happy to see that aspirin joke made a nice turn...Not at all where my mind went)
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline comet

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2375 on: February 27, 2015, 07:17:46 AM »
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'

Offline Joe Timney

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2376 on: February 27, 2015, 10:58:26 AM »
George Bush,  Queen  Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red  phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is  for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia  and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil
informs him that the cost is  a million dollars, so Putin writes  him a check.


Next, Queen Elizabeth calls  England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished,
the devil informs her that  the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally, George Bush gets  his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that  the cost is $5.00.  When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the  devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
WAIT FOR IT !!


The devil smiles and  replies, "Since Obama took over, the country's gone to hell, so it's a local  call."
 


Joe Timney
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www.delawarechassisworks.com

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2377 on: February 27, 2015, 11:33:28 AM »
The traffic light must have been shy.....It turned red.  ( just steering us back on topic ) :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2378 on: February 27, 2015, 11:45:47 AM »
The traffic light must have been shy.....It turned red.  ( just steering us back on topic ) :cheers:

No, YOU turn!
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline USFRAMONTE

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2379 on: February 27, 2015, 12:01:47 PM »
His co-workers locked Jerry in the janitor closet the other day because they were sick of his puns.
They told him the only way to get out was to come up with a pun that would describe his situation. They thought he would
be in there all day.

Jerry's response......"O-pun the door".

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2380 on: February 27, 2015, 12:07:57 PM »
The traffic light must have been shy.....It turned red.  ( just steering us back on topic ) :cheers:

No, YOU turn!
YELLOW?..YELLOW??  speak up :dhorse:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2381 on: February 27, 2015, 12:54:37 PM »
His co-workers locked Jerry in the janitor closet the other day because they were sick of his puns.
They told him the only way to get out was to come up with a pun that would describe his situation. They thought he would
be in there all day.

Jerry's response......"O-pun the door".

Ohhh, Monte, that's good!  I'm green with envy.

Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2382 on: February 27, 2015, 01:29:01 PM »
....And Monte left the door wide open...No one wants to take a turn??... This thread hinges on bad humor...............
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2383 on: February 27, 2015, 01:30:02 PM »
...I`m "sill" waiting......You guys must be in a jamb for jokes........................
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Ron Gibson

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #2384 on: February 27, 2015, 02:01:12 PM »
If you want to "Frame" someone for bad humor, I suppose you can "hang" me, at least until I see an "opening" or maybe I can just "bolt" out of here.

Ron
Life is an abrasive. Whether you get ground away or polished to a shine depends on what you are made of.