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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1120913 times)

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Online floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #225 on: November 13, 2009, 11:41:19 AM »
What do you call a water skier w/ no arms/legs?   "Skip"  ( Glad to see this thread is back on topic) :-D
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline bbarn

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #226 on: November 13, 2009, 12:03:14 PM »
What do you call a water skier w/ no arms/legs?   "Skip"  ( Glad to see this thread is back on topic) :-D

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs...

laying at your doorstep?  Matt
hanging on the wall? Art
in your mailbox? Bill
laying on the beach? Sandy
laying in a pile of leaves? Russel
floating in the pool? Bob
laying on a shovel? Doug
laying in a hole? Phil

I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Offline Dakzila

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #227 on: November 13, 2009, 12:55:42 PM »
What do call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh

What do you call a deer with a one bad eye? A bad eye deer.  (say it fast and think "southern")
What do you call a deer with a two bad eyes? No eye deer.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs?  Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

Feel free after each one of these jokes to click on this http://instantrimshot.com/

Love the rim shot!!!

Buzz
"Marred by indecision; vision is blurred, confidence deteriorates and progress stagnates."

"It's not about what you did.....It's about what you do!"

 "Regret is part of the aging process and should never be confused with failure."

Offline Gwillard

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #228 on: November 13, 2009, 02:06:16 PM »
Forwarded to me by Ed Hillstrom.



DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh,
Subaru!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can
also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
next tool that you will need.
Will weld for beer :cheers:

Offline Gwillard

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #229 on: November 13, 2009, 02:08:23 PM »
Q: What can you do with a dog with no legs?

A: Take him for a drag.  :lol:


Much thanks to Joe Walsh and The James Gang.
Will weld for beer :cheers:

Offline bbarn

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #230 on: November 13, 2009, 02:19:52 PM »
GWillard, I have experienced every one of those....I laughed so hard that people in my office are starting to look at me funny.

I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #231 on: November 13, 2009, 05:57:17 PM »
True story.

Let me start by saying that, as a rule, I kinda like cats.  I've got one in my lap right now.

Last year, the state of Wisconsin DNR considered rule changes that would permit the hunting of feral cats.  Due to the enormous public outcry, with few people understanding the difference between feral cats and stray domestic cats (and sadly, probably including some hunters), the proposal didn't fly.  So Fluffy remains protected in Wisconsin.

My good friend Dirk and I were discussing this on his porch, and as he is wont to do, he waited for me to pour my Jim Beam Rye back in my hat before uttering -

"So many cats - so few recipes".

 :-o

Yup - right out my nose and all over my shirt.  :cheers:
« Last Edit: November 13, 2009, 09:26:21 PM by Milwaukee Midget »
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #232 on: November 13, 2009, 09:08:02 PM »
Random Thoughts for the Day:

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5.  Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?   I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dodge it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?"  How the hell do I respond to that?

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #233 on: November 14, 2009, 10:19:29 AM »
Mike, those thoughts might be random, but you sure hit it on the head.

"Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong."

Rule # 1. I am never wrong.

Rule # 2. If I am wrong, refer to rule #1.

"There is great need for a sarcasm font."

http://www.acidfonts.com/freefonts/sarcastic.htm

"How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?" Fold? What is that word?

"Was learning cursive really necessary?" Hell, I never did. If I can't give it to you from a computer then you will never see it."

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?"  How the hell do I respond to that?
If you haven't learned spontaneous story telling by now, you are late in the curve. "He would probably flip the car over, and I would have to execute a 360 spin to land the car properly. I would leap out of the car and we would have a fight to the death. Dad would win."

My son is 28 and as he was growing up he was constantly astonished that I knew exactly what kind of mischief he was up to. I just didn't bother to tell him I had done all those things he wasn't allowed to do. And more. I really didn't tell him about all the stuff I set on fire or blew up! By 13 I already had made my own black powder. Fun through chemistry.


Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #234 on: November 14, 2009, 11:04:52 AM »
Aaagh!  I did it again!

Unfortunately, my random thoughts aren't so lucid.   :mrgreen:  or publishable!

I should have stated at the top that it was something I received via email.

Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline fredvance

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #235 on: November 14, 2009, 11:09:12 AM »
What's a blue ray? I'm still useing my BetaMax!! :-o
WORLDS FASTEST PRODUCTION MOTORCYCLE 213.470
Vance&Forstall Racing
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Sponsers Catalyst Composites, Johnny Cheese Perf, Knecum Racing Engines, Murray Headers, Carpenter Racing

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #236 on: November 14, 2009, 11:16:21 AM »
What's a blue ray? I'm still useing my BetaMax!! :-o

Don't laugh - Cheap Trick just released their new album, and you can get it on 8-track.

http://cheaptrick.shop.musictoday.com/Dept.aspx?cp=10_21036

Scroll about a quarter of the way down, and there it is.

I'm trying to remember if I grabbed the Craig Powerplay out of my Corvair before I junked it . . .
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #237 on: November 14, 2009, 01:41:59 PM »

The Best Smart Acura Answers of 2008!!
 
SMART Acura ANSWER #6
 
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


 
SMART Acura ANSWER #5
 
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


 
SMART Acura ANSWER #4
 
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


 
SMART Acura ANSWER #3
 
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


 
SMART Acura ANSWER #2
 
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


 
SMART Acura ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
 
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-Acura student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


 
A BONUS EXTRA
 
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's Dodge near perfect.

Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
2 Club member x2
Owner of landracing.com

Online floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #238 on: November 15, 2009, 10:35:27 AM »
Mike, No need to save phone #s. Just do what I`ve done. Take a phone book ,and using a marking pen cross out all the people you don`t know. :cheers:J.B.
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Nortonist 592

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #239 on: November 19, 2009, 09:09:56 PM »
Why did the siamese twins go to London?








So the other one could drive for a while.
Get off the stove Grandad.  You're too old to be riding the range.