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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 752092 times)
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tallguy
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« Reply #2130 on: November 07, 2014, 04:38:28 PM »

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
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mstrdinan
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« Reply #2131 on: November 07, 2014, 09:39:55 PM »

A group of guys, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, and bodies.
 
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they had never been there before and heard it was quite good.
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fastesthonda_jim
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« Reply #2132 on: November 08, 2014, 12:13:34 PM »

SIGN IN A Campbeltown, Scotland STORE WINDOW:

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'



You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.



You may say, “What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?”




Answer: A FUNERAL PARLOUR

WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?

 = God Bless Scotland =
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floydjer
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« Reply #2133 on: November 14, 2014, 08:24:28 AM »

let me demonstrate how this thread works again......................What bird can lift the most weight???...A crane cheers cheers
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floydjer
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« Reply #2134 on: November 14, 2014, 08:25:45 AM »

If I cross a grass hopper with the easter rabbit will the result be Bugs Bunny??
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Seldom Seen Slim
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« Reply #2135 on: November 14, 2014, 08:54:20 AM »

Thanks for the jokes, girls and boys, but remember that I like "story" jokes that can be told to an audience at a bar.  That is -- every other Friday nigh Pasquali's, a Negaunee bar (you can find it at Pasqualispub.com) there's a comedy night.  There'll be the usual couple of (semi) pro comedians, but things start off with three audience members being invited to the stage to tell a joke.  The joke with the best audience response wins free tickets for next time.  Well, gee -- thanks in part to you folks I've won the free tickets twice in a row.  I've only tried twice - so I'm doing very well.  I appreciate it and wish to offer you the opportunity to continue the string, so once again invite you to help me continue my winning ways.  Good jokes work way better than one liners (remember, these folks have been drinking beers and eating cudighis and aren't the sharpest at that time of the evening).

Let's see what you can do for Nancy and me today, hey?  Thanks. cheers
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Jon E. Wennerberg
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Stainless1
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Robert W. P. "Stainless" Steele Wichita, Kansas



« Reply #2136 on: November 14, 2014, 09:30:08 AM »

Thanks for the jokes, girls and boys, but remember that I like "story" jokes that can be told to an audience at a bar.  That is -- every other Friday nigh Pasquali's, a Negaunee bar (you can find it at Pasqualispub.com) there's a comedy night.  There'll be the usual couple of (semi) pro comedians, but things start off with three audience members being invited to the stage to tell a joke.  The joke with the best audience response wins free tickets for next time.  Well, gee -- thanks in part to you folks I've won the free tickets twice in a row.  I've only tried twice - so I'm doing very well.  I appreciate it and wish to offer you the opportunity to continue the string, so once again invite you to help me continue my winning ways.  Good jokes work way better than one liners (remember, these folks have been drinking beers and eating cudighis and aren't the sharpest at that time of the evening).

Let's see what you can do for Nancy and me today, hey?  Thanks. cheers

 and those longer jokes can be placed in "The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread"  as our friend Jerry tries to show us how to keep this thread on track... one liners for the crazy train...

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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
Milwaukee Midget
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« Reply #2137 on: November 14, 2014, 10:23:01 AM »

Jon, base 'em on true stories - you've already posted half of it - try this . . .

"Given the snow we've had this week, a lot of folks have been putting their snow tires on.  There's an old farmer's trick - and not a lot of people know this anymore - but it helps keep the bolts on your wheels from rusting up in the winter.      

The trick is this - if you take a little paraffin or bees wax, and you put it on the lugs of your snow tires, they won't rust up.  So next July when the snow melts, you'll be able put your summer tires back on for a couple of weeks without having to deal with rusty bolts.

Now some of you know my wife, Nancy.  She works in the hardware department at Lowes.  (wait for the wild applause from all of the friends who will undoubtedly be accompanying you to die down)

Before the snow fell, an old farmer came in, and was looking around the department.  It was clear he wasn't finding what he was looking for, so Nancy approached him and asked, 'May I help you?'

And the old farmer said, 'Yes, I need nut wax!'

So Nancy kicked him in the balls - twice."

If you want to string the story out a little longer, you could tag it with -

"So as the old farmer was doubled over on the floor, Nancy asked, 'Is there anything else I can help you with?'

And the farmer asked - in extreme pain, and with great difficulty - 'Menards had the same thing, and it's not what I was looking for.  How do I get to Home Depot?'"

 





 

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"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

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floydjer
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« Reply #2138 on: November 14, 2014, 10:46:28 AM »

Ya know...Finding the perfect babe at Pasquali`s is like miniature golf....You hope for the perfect hole, But your balls end up bouncing off a hippo`s teeth. cheers
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floydjer
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« Reply #2139 on: November 14, 2014, 11:19:24 AM »

I went to the tennis club last night and this guy walked up and said " I`m a ball-boy" and I said " Well I`m more of a t*t man myself, But whatever floats your boat is OK with me princess cheers"
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floydjer
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« Reply #2140 on: November 14, 2014, 11:25:07 AM »

My wife says that having three testicles doesn`t make someone a freak, But I still wish she`d have them removed...................
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Seldom Seen Slim
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« Reply #2141 on: November 14, 2014, 11:26:32 AM »

Wow, Jerry.  What's with the gonadical jokes today?  Something on your mind? huh
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Jon E. Wennerberg
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floydjer
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« Reply #2142 on: November 14, 2014, 11:54:56 AM »

i`m just nuts...............( that was 2 easy) evil
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Robin UK
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« Reply #2143 on: November 14, 2014, 01:07:25 PM »

"I was in my car, driving along, and my boss rang up. He said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

Then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' I swerved off the road and went into a tree.

A policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Robin
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Robin UK
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« Reply #2144 on: November 14, 2014, 01:12:11 PM »

So I told my mother that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising anything."

Robin
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