Author Topic: Stupid joke FRIDAY  (Read 2147087 times)

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Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #195 on: September 11, 2009, 12:25:55 PM »
As long as we're using that word -- did you know that there are three stages in a man's sex life?

There's tri-weekly,

Try weekly,

and try weakly.
Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
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Owner of landracing.com

Offline gearheadeh

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #196 on: September 11, 2009, 02:52:31 PM »
 
Ramblings  of a Retired Mind
 
 
•   I  was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
 
•    You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
 
•   I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
 
•    I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
 
•   I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it  'Pumping Rust'.
 
•   I've gotten that dreaded Furniture disease. That's when your Chest is falling into your Drawers!
 
•   When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
 
•   Employment Application Forms always ask who is to be notified in case of an Emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
 
•   Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
 
•   I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were "Cramming for their Finals".
 
•   As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
 
 
                           
 
"Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life" 
Because:  "Life is a journey to be  savored."
40 is the old age of Youth, 50 is the young age of the Senior years.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #197 on: September 19, 2009, 03:54:28 AM »
I joined an exercise class for men over 50 years of age and they told me to wear loose fitting clothes. If I had any loose fitting clothes , I would`nt have joined .
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #198 on: October 09, 2009, 09:58:09 AM »
Two ladies from the Salvation Army stopped by and asked if I would like to donate used clothes to help the homeless and hungry. I said " Girls, If my clothes fit them, They must not be all that hungry"
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #199 on: October 09, 2009, 10:08:52 AM »
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer says, 'This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence,' says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man.  'I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, ' What a coincidence...'
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Dean Los Angeles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #200 on: October 09, 2009, 10:23:53 AM »
So a bear walks into a bar in Bonneville and says to the bartender: "Bartender! I want a beer!"
Bartender then replied "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville."
"WHAT!" roars the bear, "This bear wants a beer in this bar in Bonneville!"
"I'm sorry, sir, but it's illegal. I could loose my license if I serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville."
"All I want is a beer! Can't you serve this bear a beer in this bar in Bonneville?"
"No sir, I can't."
"That's it!" Roars the bear "If you don't serve this bear a beer in this bar in Bonneville. I am going to have to doing something drastic!"
"Ok, sir" replied the bartender" but I just can't serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville."
So the bear points to a lady sitting at a table in the bar.
"You see that lady? If you don't serve this bear, a beer, in this Bonneville bar, I'm going to eat that lady."
"Well I'm sorry sir, but I just can't serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville"
"Fine!" and the bear eats the lady and comes back over to the bartender.
"Now will you serve a beer to a bear in a bar in Bonneville?”
"Nope. We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville. Or drug addicts."
"Drug addicts?" asked the bear.
The bartender replied... "because that was a bar bitch you ate." (barbiturate)

Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.

Offline fastesthonda_jim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #201 on: October 18, 2009, 01:06:40 AM »
'Nuf said.  BJ's birthplace... President Hussein's HOPE message??  Co-inkidink?  Not hardly.

I like the "ventilation".
« Last Edit: October 18, 2009, 11:58:03 AM by fastesthonda_jim »
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Offline landsendlynda

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #202 on: October 18, 2009, 01:13:12 AM »
3 nuns stood at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter says, " Before you can enter, you each have to answer one question."

St. Peter turns to the first nun and asks, " Who was the first man?"
1st Nun answers, "Adam."

The Gates open; the choir sings; and the nun walks thru.

St. Peter turns to the second nun and asks, "Who was the first woman?"
2nd Nun answers, "Eve."

The Gates open; the choir sings; and the nun walks thru.

St. Peter turns to the third nun and asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
3rd Nun thinks and thinks and finally says, "Boy, that's a hard one!"

The Gates open; the choir sings........
Volunteer roadblock at Land's End! Yes, you need your stinkin badge! I'm your Dream Keeper, I protect your dream on the asphalt so you can chase your dream on the salt!

Offline beemergb

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #203 on: October 18, 2009, 08:10:48 AM »
An outraged doctor shouts at a dislectic nurse ,what the hell have you done ! I told you to penile device his boil !  :-o

Offline Stainless1

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #204 on: October 18, 2009, 11:06:42 AM »
Billy died...  His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jan.

"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jan, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Joyce .. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jan exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500.  I donated $500 to the church.

The whiskey, beer and snacks were another $500.  The rest went for the Memorial Stone."


Jan computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone?  My God, how big is it?"
 
"Two and a half carats."
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, Bockscar Lakester #1000 with a little N2O

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #205 on: October 18, 2009, 01:21:55 PM »
Tom is a sailor in the merchant marine and has been away from home and hearth for almost a year.  He gets to the house and finds his pregnant wife waiting for him!

He is thunderstruck and asks her:  "Was it my friend Bill that did this?"

She says "No, it wasn't your friend Bill."

"How about my buddy Louie?"

"Nope, it wasn't your buddy Louie."

"Oh, then it must have been my life-long chum Al", he says.

She responds "Your friends, your friends,  Don't you think I've got friends, too?"
Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
2 Club member x2
Owner of landracing.com

Offline DavidinDurango

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #206 on: October 18, 2009, 01:53:39 PM »
Female room-mate wanted:  9 to 90, blind, cripple or crazy.
I'm looking for a girl with a good appetite, a girl that can eat me under the table.

Write you application on a $100 bill . . . . .
DavidinDurango
Mostly Fords with "some stuff"
LSR, because it takes more than one ball to play.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #207 on: October 23, 2009, 09:20:29 AM »
What would you call a guy with a rubber toe?.........."Roberto" :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #208 on: October 23, 2009, 01:17:27 PM »
A man left work one Friday afternoon but, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was berated for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 :cheers:
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #209 on: October 23, 2009, 09:44:28 PM »
Costume

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.  He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
 
 :mrgreen:
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!