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Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 1155206 times)

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Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #180 on: July 24, 2009, 07:51:55 AM »
Two T.V. antennas got married.......The ceremony was boring, but the reception was great.
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #181 on: July 24, 2009, 03:34:21 PM »
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, here's one for the ages.  My mom used to tell this joke.  She's the only person I ever heard with it, no doubt because it's so long and complicated.  It needs to be read out loud -- that is, SPEAK IT, don't just read it and mumble along.  Okay -- here, in memory of my mom, dead some ten years now, is the story of Archibald S. Holebroke.

"Once upon a time there was a school that needed a new second grade teacher, so they hired Caroline Woodrick.  Miss Woodrick introduced herself to the students and then asked them to introduce themselves.  The first little boy said: "My name is Abner Baker, spelled A-b-n-e-r   B-a-k-e-r."

"Fine", said Caroline, "but I would like each student to learn to syllabalize progressively.  Here is how your name, Abner, should sound:  A-b gets your Ab, n-e-r gets your ner, gets your Abner.  B-a-k gets your bake, gets your nerbake, gets your Abner Bake.  E-r gets your er, gets your Baker, gets you nerBaker, gets your Abner Baker."

And so Miss Woodrick led the entire class through syllabalizing progressively until she came to Archie, who didn't want to do it because his name was so long. 

"Oh, come now", said Miss Woodrick.  "I'll help you."  And this is how Archibald S. Holebroke's name sounded:

(NOTE:  Pronounce the "I" in Archie's name with a long sound -- that is, "Eye", not "ih".  You'll see why later).

"A-r-c-h gets your Arch.  I gets your I, gets your Archi.  B-a-l-d gets your bald, gets your ibald, gets your Archibald.  S gets your S, gets your bald S, gets your ibald S, gets your Archibald S.  H-o-l-e gets your Hole, gets your S. Hole, gets your bald S. Hole, gets your ibald S. hole, gets your Archibald S. Hole.  B-r-o-k-e gets your broke, gets your Holebroke, gets your S. Holebroke, gets your ibald S. Holebroke, gets your Archibald S. Holebroke."

End of story.

And - for what it's worth, Caroline Woodrick was a school teacher associate of my mom.  I doubt that Miss Woodrick really did syllabalize progressively, but let's give Mom the benefit of the doubt and allow her to personalize the joke.

Over and out.
Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
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Offline Stainless1

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #182 on: July 24, 2009, 10:06:49 PM »
Well, I can't top that one, but....

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's Acura I've ever seen."
Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.
A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's Acura too," he said.
A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country

Stainless
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MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #183 on: July 31, 2009, 11:22:16 AM »
No matter how hard you push the envelope......It`s still stationary :cheers:
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Tzoom

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #184 on: July 31, 2009, 01:56:58 PM »
Two T.V. antennas got married.......The ceremony was boring, but the reception was great.

Groan.  I'm going to go sit in the corner and rock back and forth for awhile now.
Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports ... all others are games --- Ernest Hemingway

Offline Stan Back

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #185 on: August 03, 2009, 04:06:11 PM »
"No matter how hard you push the envelope......It`s still stationary."

It's stationery, too.
Past Member of the San Berdoo Roadsters -- "California's Most-Exclusive Roadster Club" -- Fifty-Seven Years of Leadership  Is Enough

Offline cheeto racer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #186 on: August 04, 2009, 04:44:41 PM »
a pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel affixed the the front of his pants.   the bartender says hey  you know you got a ships wheel on the front of your pants  and the pirate replies arrrrrrrrhh it driving me nuts...

Offline Seldom Seen Slim

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #187 on: August 07, 2009, 06:41:26 PM »
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.
 
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to the mall and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :
 
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
 
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love"
 
PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing
 

Jon E. Wennerberg
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 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
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Owner of landracing.com

Offline Dr Goggles

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #188 on: August 07, 2009, 06:54:47 PM »
..that was particularly good Kapitan :cheers:   


John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
    He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to  buy
    an unusual pet.
   After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
   which came in a little white box to use for his house.
  He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
 decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
  So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to
 Frank's place with me and have a beer?'
 Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet.
 This bothered him a bit, he waited a few minutes and then asked  him again,
 'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?'
 Again,  there  was no answer,
Nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.
 So, he waited a few more minutes , thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This Time,putting
 his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
                           'Hey, in there!
 Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?
           


 A little voice came out of the box:
 "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my flicking shoes on!
Few understand what I'm trying to do but they vastly outnumber those who understand why...................

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THE LUCKIEST MAN IN SLOW BUSINESS.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #189 on: August 11, 2009, 05:43:36 PM »
An old, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said, "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #190 on: August 28, 2009, 09:36:26 AM »
97 year old goes to the Dr. Doc. says ' You`re in great shape for your age, Do you still have intercourse"? The old boy says "Let me ask the wife" He leaves  the room for 30 seconds, comes back in and says " No , We have Blue Cross.
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #191 on: August 28, 2009, 09:41:35 PM »
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)




(see below)











"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #192 on: September 04, 2009, 07:48:16 PM »
First day of college the Dean addresses the students  and tells the males that the female dorms are off limits, anyone caught there will be fined $50 for the first offense- $100 for the second and $250 for the third. A hand goes up and a guy asks...." How much is a season pass" ?
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #193 on: September 11, 2009, 09:17:54 AM »
Which days are the strongest?  Saturday and Sunday. The rest are "weak days"  ( Yes Stan, They are also weekdays) J.B.
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Milwaukee Midget

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #194 on: September 11, 2009, 09:44:52 AM »
Which days are the strongest?  Saturday and Sunday. The rest are "weak days"  ( Yes Stan, They are also weekdays) J.B.

That one left me in a weak daze . . . :wink:
"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  :roll:

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

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