Landracing Forum Home
April 22, 2018, 08:36:04 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length
News:
BACK TO LANDRACING.COM HOMEPAGE
 
   Home   Help Search Calendar Login Register  


(Note: Donations are not tax deductible)







Live Audio Streaming and Archives of Past Events
Next Live Event: TBD
Pages: 1 ... 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 [120] 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 ... 240   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Stupid joke Friday  (Read 659099 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
floydjer
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 60
Location: grand rapids, michigan
Posts: 2371


"There is no duck side of the moon..."




Ignore
« Reply #1785 on: April 11, 2014, 06:29:28 AM »

Why was the rancher`s sheep purple??   He herded it through the grapevine....................
Logged

I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
Plmkrze
Full Member
***
Offline Offline

Age: 58
Location: Lewisville NC
Posts: 152


Oh Yea




Ignore
« Reply #1786 on: April 11, 2014, 09:14:59 AM »

Wrong Color Suit
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they ...always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."
Logged

"Trim it, whittle it, make it work."

East Coast Cherry Pickers Association (ECCPA) and proud of it!
USFRAMONTE
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Age: 64
Location: West Bountiful, Utah
Posts: 569





Ignore
« Reply #1787 on: April 11, 2014, 09:53:15 AM »

I was walking by the refrigerator last night and I thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gee song,

but when I opened the door it was just a chive talkin!
Logged
Seldom Seen Slim
Administrator
Hero Member
***
Offline Offline

Age: 70
Location: Skandia, Michigan
Posts: 11901


Nancy -- 201.913 mph record on a production ZX15!


WWW
« Reply #1788 on: April 11, 2014, 10:33:59 AM »

Monte and the rest of you goofballs:

While the rule doesn't specify the type of jokes, I'd sure like to see more long ones -0 - like the "Wrong Suit" just above here.  I understand and enjoy the puns - please don't get me wrong.  Butt - and this is a really big butt (as opposed to the lady that sings at the end and beginning of the game) would you try to find some more involved jokes, please?

Okay - coffee break's over - back on your heads, everyone.
Logged

Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
2 Club member x2
Owner of landracing.com
fastesthonda_jim
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 487


Ready to Rock 2003




Ignore
« Reply #1789 on: April 11, 2014, 10:44:27 AM »

Whaaaatttt?    Jokes to "slim" for your taste, SSS?



Frankly I was just lamenting that my other humor list serves don't have the jocularity of the rapid fire back and forth of LR's humor pages.  The plethora (look it up, okay?) of one liners makes my day. 
Logged

2006 SCTA High Points Champeen
2006 Dirty "2" Wrench Of The Year
Bonneville "2" Club 2003
El Mirage Dirty "2"'s 2006
Bonneville Records: G/GS, F/GS (Boy)  G/FS (Girl)
El Mirage Records: F/BFS, F/FS, F/GS, I/FS, I/GS, K/BGS
FIA Records A, II, 8
Unlimited License
300mph line qualified (305.129 best mile speed)
The older half of San Diego's Fastest Couple
2016 Man of Distinction Award
floydjer
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 60
Location: grand rapids, michigan
Posts: 2371


"There is no duck side of the moon..."




Ignore
« Reply #1790 on: April 11, 2014, 10:51:42 AM »

OK Slim
Logged

I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
Milwaukee Midget
Global Moderator
Hero Member
***
Online Online

Age: 58
Location: Beerhaven, Wisconsin
Posts: 6176


Bonneville I/GT record holder - 122.539 mph


WWW
« Reply #1791 on: April 11, 2014, 11:06:58 AM »

Awww, Slim - you cut poor Jerry off at his knees.   cry

And just as we were starting to see eye to eye . . .
Logged

"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!
USFRAMONTE
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Age: 64
Location: West Bountiful, Utah
Posts: 569





Ignore
« Reply #1792 on: April 11, 2014, 11:19:12 AM »

I have always thought the most impressive thing about Jerry is just how "punny" he is!
Logged
Speed Limit 1000
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 68
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 1046





Ignore
« Reply #1793 on: April 11, 2014, 11:36:30 AM »

After Monday & Tuesday even the calender says W.T.F.
Logged

John Gowetski, red hat @ 221.183 MPH MSA Lakester, Bockscar #1000 60 ci normally aspirated w/N20
Seldom Seen Slim
Administrator
Hero Member
***
Offline Offline

Age: 70
Location: Skandia, Michigan
Posts: 11901


Nancy -- 201.913 mph record on a production ZX15!


WWW
« Reply #1794 on: April 11, 2014, 11:38:36 AM »

I guess I shouldn't have come down so hard.  Keep at it, ladies and germs.  I'm sorry - but still would like more good stories as well as the puns.

There -- is that better?
Logged

Jon E. Wennerberg
 a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim
 Skandia, Michigan
 (that's way up north)
2 Club member x2
Owner of landracing.com
4-barrel Mike
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 70
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 2835


Any fool can drive a V8




Ignore
« Reply #1795 on: April 11, 2014, 11:49:29 AM »

This one's for you, SSS:

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.  They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.  They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.  Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.  So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.  The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next.  He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle!  I went out and I FOUND me a bear.  And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!  But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.  So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.  We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.  So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.  And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.  Hallelujah.'

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.  He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.  He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

 cheers

Mike
Logged

Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!
floydjer
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 60
Location: grand rapids, michigan
Posts: 2371


"There is no duck side of the moon..."




Ignore
« Reply #1796 on: April 11, 2014, 12:41:07 PM »

I guess I shouldn't have come down so hard.  Keep at it, ladies and germs.  I'm sorry - but still would like more good stories as well as the puns.

There -- is that better?
Thank you Jon...As you know, I have a short attention sp.................hey look ! a squirrel !!
Logged

I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
floydjer
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 60
Location: grand rapids, michigan
Posts: 2371


"There is no duck side of the moon..."




Ignore
« Reply #1797 on: April 18, 2014, 07:42:43 AM »

(Q)   A clerk in a butcher shop stands 5` 11 and wears a size 13 shoe. What does he weigh???.....(A)...Meat cheers
Logged

I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
Plmkrze
Full Member
***
Offline Offline

Age: 58
Location: Lewisville NC
Posts: 152


Oh Yea




Ignore
« Reply #1798 on: April 18, 2014, 09:30:27 AM »

Wife is washing the hubby’s pants on the 1st of May when she empties the pockets and finds a note with the name “Ginny 3rd” on it in his hand writing.
The misses walks into the den and slaps the Plymouth out of the old boy.
Hubby: What was that for?
Wife: What is this and who is “Ginny 3rd”?
Hubby: Oh honey, that is a tip on a horse in the third race that a buddy gave me.

Two days go by when the phone rings.
The misses walks into the den and slaps the Plymouth out of the old boy again!
Hubby: What was that for?
Misses: Your horse is on the phone!
Logged

"Trim it, whittle it, make it work."

East Coast Cherry Pickers Association (ECCPA) and proud of it!
USFRAMONTE
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Age: 64
Location: West Bountiful, Utah
Posts: 569





Ignore
« Reply #1799 on: April 18, 2014, 10:07:20 AM »

The convent needed a new roof. Mother Superior contacts a roofing contractor and makes the proper arrangements. The day they
arrive to start tearing off the old roofing it is sunny and hot. As the men are working the nuns can hear them as they cuss, swear
and generally talk like construction workers are prone to do.  While the nuns are trying to conduct the daily prayer session all this
cursing and noise finally gets to the Mother Superior.  She goes outside to have a chat with the foreman.  "Sir, your men and their
foul language are really making it difficult for us to have the right spirit inside the convent, could you please have them tone it down"?
The foreman says, "Well Mother Superior, you know how construction workers are, they call a spade a spade".
She replied, "No they don't....they call it a f%*#ing shovel!"
Logged
Pages: 1 ... 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 [120] 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 ... 240   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2015, Simple Machines
Simple Audio Video Embedder
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!


Google visited last this page January 12, 2018, 01:03:29 AM