Stupid joke FRIDAY

[racergeo]

   Seldom Seen Slim says to Sumner, Sum you heard about that new 4 engine streamliner built by Dick Burns? Sum says no, but who's Dick Burns?  SSS says, yours!!!

[LittleLiner]

Two LSR racers (Bill and Jake) are having a beer at the motel

(Bill)  “So are you still getting a lot of grief from the Mrs about spending too much money on racing?” 

(Jake) “Heck no! I found a way to put an end to that.”

(Bill) “Really?  . . . Man, I’d like to know how you did that.”

(Jake) “Simple, the first thing I did was get a fire suit for my wife.”

(Bill) “Wow!  That was a great trade!”

[STUTZ]

Lucy came home from the shops one day and found Bill in the kitchen with a fly squatter.
What are you doing "she asked"
Killing flies "Bill replied"
Gettin' any "Lucy asked again"
Yep "said Bill" three males and two females.
How do you know the difference? "asked Lucy"
Well, there were three on the beer can and two on the phone. "said Bill"

[gearheadeh]

   Seldom Seen Slim says to Sumner, Sum you heard about that new 4 engine streamliner built by Dick Burns? Sum says no, but who's Dick Burns?  SSS says, yours!!!

Bravo   Bravo   A truly made for LSR corn dog original.

[floydjer]

These two Yoopers ( oops, sorry Slim)..These two guys from Newaygo are driving along in a pick-up with a fresh kill bear laying in the box. A  D.N.R. officer stops them and asks for their "Bear tag". Driver hands it to him . Cop says " Nice bear, Who shot him"?  Driver says " I did....One shot  Right between the eyes" Cop says " I see that, But how did he get the holes in his front feet" ? Passenger chimes in with...." Well, He put his paws up to shield his eyes when I put the spot- light on him"

[Super Kaz]

electricity is NOT your friend
 
AKA - Don't frigg with electric fences...

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, 
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in town. 

To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran 
a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest 
cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then 
used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. 

The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the 
better the fence works. 

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel 
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew 
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the 
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems 
as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. 

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand 
and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the 
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an 
upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first 
thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. 

My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing 
in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled 
over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with 
the engine. 

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower was fighting 
over who would control my electrical impulses. 

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to 
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of 
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back 
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there 
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was 
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning at 8 grand. 

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto 
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't 
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but 
Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that 
were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go 
of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through 
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking 
I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs 
out of gas. 

'Dodge!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the 
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run 
pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered 
in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please 
die ... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam 
idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor 
waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. 

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, and 
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take 
me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in 
the misery my own stupidity had created. 

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying 
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It 
was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead 
grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead 
spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on 
to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing 
had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically 
induced sleep I realized a few things: 

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek 
(not the left, just the right). 

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as 
you might think. 

4- My left eye will not open. 

5- My right eye will not close. 

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our 
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it 
was better than new after that. 

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot 
long. 

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of 
the number 4. (I still don't understand this!!!) 

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I 
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make 
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. 

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I 
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT 
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to 
triple check before I mow.

Sound like the Time my buddy Tazed himself to see what it was like !

[floydjer]

Sitting on the deck last night, having a cigar, when the the bride says " Would you re-marry if I died'? I told her I would ,as the house needs the female touch. She asked if I`d let my new wife use her things, Jewelry, Cars bike etc. I told her I would as it be be wastefull to buy new ones. "How about my golf clubs"? she asked.   "No,.....She`s left handed, you`re right handed."

[Gwillard]

Sitting on the deck last night, having a cigar, when the the bride says " Would you re-marry if I died'? I told her I would ,as the house needs the female touch. She asked if I`d let my new wife use her things, Jewelry, Cars bike etc. I told her I would as it be be wastefull to buy new ones. "How about my golf clubs"? she asked.   "No,.....She`s left handed, you`re right handed."

And just about then a 9-iron slammed into the side of yer head, right? 

[LittleLiner]

Two priests are waiting for a connecting flight at O'Hare Airport.  To kill some time they strike up a debate about when life really begins.  Is it Conseption? Birth? Somewhere in between?  They can't seem to agree and notice a Rabbi walking by.  So they ask the Rabbi (he also being a man of God) if he can help them resolve this issue.  They ask him "Rabbi, when does life begin?"  The Rabbi thinks for a long time and then he says . . " Life does not truly begin until the kids are gone and the dog is dead"

[floydjer]

One more ..........Do you know the difference between a corn husker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? The corn husker shucks between fits. ( i`ll go to my room now)

[artmodelman]

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the jungle?

artmodelman
Jim Keeler

[floydjer]

No, but I heard 4 cannibals were playing poker, and one threw-up a good hand................

[DavidinDurango]

Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?












They taste funny.

[Seldom Seen Slim]

One cannibal to another, after the fancy dinner/dance:

#1:  Well, how was your evening?

#2:  Oh, it was great.  I had a ball.

[Ron Gibson]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt"  Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.  Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religous couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt,
 Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt  married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After 15 years of marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, named Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseparatable through childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event.  The Schitt- Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

So, NOW if someone says " You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list

Ron