Stupid joke FRIDAY

[floydjer]

Sorry I`m late...Mrs Floydjer stayed home today, And well....You`ve seen her.....Anyway................Did Columbus pay for his trip to America with his Discover Card???..

[SaltRat]

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his “Manhood” in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up.

He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early.

His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his “Manhood” in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.

She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find his “Manhood”, completely intact.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too." 

[Stainless1]

Sorry for the hijack guys, I couldn't find the supportive spouses thread so I decided to post it here...

The wife left a note on the fridge “It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mom’s."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

Not sure what she was talking about!

Back to working on the car for Speedweek
 

[johnneilson]

So, the other eveing I am working out in the shop and hear the neighbors arguing.
She is mad at Pat, yelling "get out, I want you to leave"!!
I hear Pat reply that he is just getting his things and is leaving.
On his way out the door, I hear the "I hope you die a slow painful death" wish from her.
Then, I hear Pat, "What, now you want me to stay??" "make up your mind!"

I do so love hearing the neighbors.

[floydjer]

I heard on this morning`s news that a dwarf had his pocket picked.     How could someone stoop so low?...............

[USFRAMONTE]

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!

[USFRAMONTE]

For all of you that aren't quite ready for race season, think about this for next year.....

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!

[Dean Los Angeles]

The Olympic competition for track & field only had two competitors.

The Russian and the American.

The American was first, the Russian was second.

Headline in America: "America Wins!"

Headline in Russia" "Russia Second! America Next To Last!"

[Dean Los Angeles]

Brezhnev and Reagan were in Russia holding peace talks.

During a break in the activity they got into a pissing contest over who held the most power.

They happened to be standing on the edge of a steep, long slope.

Brezhnev said his secret service agents would do anything for him. Reagan said the same thing.

Brezhnev ordered his secret service agent to jump down the hill. At the bottom someone asked the bruised and cut up agent why he did it.
"Because I have family." he answered.

Someone asked Reagan's secret service agent, who was still at the top of the hill, having refused to jump, why he didn't jump. "Because I have family." he answered.

[4-barrel Mike]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

- “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: - “An ambulance just drove by!”

- “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.

- “Matt’s riding a new bike!”

- “Looks like the Sanders are moving!”

- “Jason is on his skate board!”

- After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are screwing!!”

Startled, his mom and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re screwing?”

“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

 

Mike

[4-barrel Mike]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you sons of b!tches
who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And
all of you sons of b!tches who are getting on, get your asses on the
train...cause we're going down the tracks.'

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are
to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train...but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say...'All passengers , please remember your things, thank you and hope your
trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'

She heard her little darling continue...'For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b!tch in the kitchen.'

 

Mike

[rgn]

A man was out raking leaves when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse, behind the second hearse there was a solitary man walking solemnly with a dog on a leash...  Behind were 200 men walking in single file.

The bystander couldn’t contain his curiosity, and he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “I’m sorry for your loss, and I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this one.  Whose funeral is it?

 The man walking with the dog replied, “The first hearse is for my Wife.”

“What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

The onlooker enquired further, “And who's in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law… She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

The onlooker then asked, "Would it be possible to borrow your dog?"

The man replied, "You will have to get in line."

[floydjer]

Let`s see If I can steer this back on topic.........................Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, But dish detergent is made with real lemon juice ??

[floydjer]

Why are they called " apartments" when they`re stuck together ?

[USFRAMONTE]

When everything is coming your way....you're in the wrong lane.