Jokes Saturday thru Thursday

[LSR Mike]

A man walking along a California beach was in deep prayer...when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish."
The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to."
The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking ;the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific;the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish,one that will honor and glorify me".
After thinking long and hard,he finally said,"Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they're thinking, why they cry,what they mean when they say' nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes the Lord said, "How many lanes you want on that bridge? "

[4-barrel Mike]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for
over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".


As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the
possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the
wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how
long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the
left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars
and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long
drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd
almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's
Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!"
shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played
around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
there too!"

Erin go bragh! 

Mike

[LittleLiner]

A retired couple from indiana is driving through Nebraska and stops for gas.  The husband gets out and starts to pump the gas.  The wife stretches her legs by walking around the car. 

An older woman drives up to the other pump and starts to pump her own gas.  She notices the Indiana plate and asks if they are from Bloomington. 

"WHAT DID SHE SAY?" the husband asks.  The wife replies "SHE ASKED IF WE WERE FROM BLOOMINGTON."

She tells the woman that, yes they are from Bloomington and that her husband is hard of hearing.  The other woman says she understands and says she was only in Bloomington once, it was many years ago but she wii never forget it. 

"WHAT DID SHE SAY" the husband askes.  "SHE SAID SHE WAS IN BLOOMINGTON ONCE MANY YEARS AGO."

Turning back to the other woman the wife asks "Why do you remember being in Bloomington?"

"Well it is a long story but basically I met a man in a bar, one thing led to another, we went across the street to a motel and spent the night.  It had to be the worst night of my life.  He was a real loser." said the woman.

"WHAT DID SHE SAY" the husband askes. 

"SHE SAID SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS YOU."