Author Topic: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday  (Read 28154 times)

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Offline LSR Mike

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Re: Stupid joke Friday
« Reply #15 on: October 09, 2017, 10:14:23 AM »
A man walking along a California beach was in deep prayer...when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish."
The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to."
The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking ;the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific;the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish,one that will honor and glorify me".
After thinking long and hard,he finally said,"Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they're thinking, why they cry,what they mean when they say' nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes the Lord said, "How many lanes you want on that bridge? "
Mike M.
BNI/ECTA
ECTA Record Holder/Former Bonneville Record Holder

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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St. Patrick's Day
« Reply #16 on: March 18, 2018, 12:42:40 AM »
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for
over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".


As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the
possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the
wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how
long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the
left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars
and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long
drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd
almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's
Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!"
shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played
around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
there too!"

Erin go bragh!  :cheers:

Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

LittleLiner

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Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
« Reply #17 on: July 09, 2020, 06:30:39 PM »
A retired couple from indiana is driving through Nebraska and stops for gas.  The husband gets out and starts to pump the gas.  The wife stretches her legs by walking around the car. 

An older woman drives up to the other pump and starts to pump her own gas.  She notices the Indiana plate and asks if they are from Bloomington. 

"WHAT DID SHE SAY?" the husband asks.  The wife replies "SHE ASKED IF WE WERE FROM BLOOMINGTON."

She tells the woman that, yes they are from Bloomington and that her husband is hard of hearing.  The other woman says she understands and says she was only in Bloomington once, it was many years ago but she wii never forget it. 

"WHAT DID SHE SAY" the husband askes.  "SHE SAID SHE WAS IN BLOOMINGTON ONCE MANY YEARS AGO."

Turning back to the other woman the wife asks "Why do you remember being in Bloomington?"

"Well it is a long story but basically I met a man in a bar, one thing led to another, we went across the street to a motel and spent the night.  It had to be the worst night of my life.  He was a real loser." said the woman.

"WHAT DID SHE SAY" the husband askes. 

"SHE SAID SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS YOU."
« Last Edit: July 09, 2020, 06:33:36 PM by LittleLiner »

Offline floydjer

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Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
« Reply #18 on: April 09, 2021, 02:41:43 PM »
This thread looks lonely......I called my uncle Wilber and asked how he likes his new power chair lift he had installed on his staircase...He said it drives him up the wall.... :clap
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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PARAPROSDOKIANS
« Reply #19 on: April 22, 2021, 01:38:55 PM »
(A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and oftentimes very humorous.)

If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me very attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multitasking: I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Take my advice, I'm not using it.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

Men say women should come with an instruction manual; but since when has any man stopped to read the instructions.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you...

Mike  :cheers:
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline floydjer

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Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
« Reply #20 on: May 05, 2021, 08:44:12 AM »
I tried to organize a hide and seek contest...Good hiders are hard to find....
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Speed Limit 1000

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Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
« Reply #21 on: May 05, 2021, 10:31:31 AM »
Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek ?...No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.
John Gowetski, red hat @ 221.183 MPH MSA Lakester, Bockscar #1000 60 ci normally aspirated w/N20

Offline floydjer

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Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
« Reply #22 on: May 05, 2021, 12:21:10 PM »
Worst part of a hospital to play hide and seek???..The I C U...
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline floydjer

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Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
« Reply #23 on: May 05, 2021, 12:21:55 PM »
Airports are bad too...You are always in plane sight...
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Speed Limit 1000

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Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
« Reply #24 on: May 05, 2021, 12:27:07 PM »
What is a dog?s favorite place to go for hide and seek?...Roof
John Gowetski, red hat @ 221.183 MPH MSA Lakester, Bockscar #1000 60 ci normally aspirated w/N20

Offline floydjer

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Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
« Reply #25 on: May 05, 2021, 03:26:36 PM »
When I play H&S....I wear leather sneakers...They are made of hide....
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline 4-barrel Mike

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Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
« Reply #26 on: May 05, 2021, 03:56:44 PM »
My neighbor just got a job at a tannery; I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since.

Mike
Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!

Offline Stainless1

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Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
« Reply #27 on: May 06, 2021, 11:35:57 AM »
Headed to the dreaded dentist today.... of course going there is like pulling teeth...  :dhorse:
Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, Bockscar Lakester #1000 with a little N2O

Offline floydjer

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Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
« Reply #28 on: May 06, 2021, 04:05:43 PM »
Bob..My dentist has a sense of humor not unlike my own :evil: He likes to hover over me with a dental tool in hand and ask "Is it safe?" :-o Nothing worse than a DDS. that has seen The Marathon Man...
I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.

Offline Speed Limit 1000

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Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
« Reply #29 on: May 06, 2021, 04:42:34 PM »
What do you call x-rays taken by a dentist?...Tooth-pics
John Gowetski, red hat @ 221.183 MPH MSA Lakester, Bockscar #1000 60 ci normally aspirated w/N20