Landracing Forum
Humor -- stories, links, etc -- may not be right for kids to read! => THE place for (what you think is) funny stuff. => Topic started by: 4-barrel Mike on May 16, 2009, 06:19:12 PM
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STEPHEN & THE BLONDE
Stephen, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Stephen and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Stephen said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Stephen placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Stephen, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Stephen replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Stephen took the money...
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A blond runs into the back of a car at a stop light, as she walks up to the car a dwarf jumps out and shouts at her, I'M not happy!! and she replies well which one are you. :lol:
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They just found a blonde down here, frozen solid, in front of her refridgerator. When the EMT's got her thawed out , they asked her what had happened. The slightly chilled blonde said, " I don't know. I went to the fridge to get some orange juice and when I was reading the carton it said, concentrate!
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Blonde Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'What ever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician pr esents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
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A blonde walks into a bar. She is decked out, gold, diamonds, mink jacket. She is gorgeous, err... kind of. Her head is about 4" high, and the rest of her is perfect.
Bartender says, "Uh, hi."
She says, "Just ask dammit."
Bartender queries, "What happened to you!"
She says, "I was walking down the beach and I found a bottle. I picked it up, and a genie shot up out of it. He was half naked and very handsome. He said he would grant me 3 wishes. So, well, I was kind of plain looking, so I asked, 'Can you make into a beautiful blond?' POOF!! He made me knock-out gorgeous. WOW! So I asked, 'Can you make me the richest woman on earth?' POOF!! Hundred dollars bills rained down all around me. WOW!! I had everything. I should have stopped there. But darn that genie was very cute. 'Could I get a little head?'"
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Dolly Parton was once asked if it bothered her that some people thought she was a dumb blonde. She said, "That's OK. I'm not dumb, and I'm not a blonde. :-D
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Blonde walks in to work Monday morning wearing a T.G.I.F. shirt. Her co-worker asks why she`s wearing a "Thank god it`s Friday shirt, on Monday " Blonde says, "I thought it meant T#ts Go In Front" :cheers:
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Speaking of Dolly -
My sister, a collector of Barbie dolls, went to the Grand Ole Opry gift shop, where they had Dolly Parton dolls for sale. She bought one, and the clerk said, "You'll need some batteries".
"Really!", said my sister, somewhat surprised. "What does this Dolly doll do that it requires batteries?"
"Oh, nothing", said the clerk. "They're just for counterbalance".
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Now that's funny.
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Blonde takes her car to the repair shop because it "runs funny". Returns the next day and asks if it was an easy fix. Mechanic says, " Crap in the air filter" and the blonde asks- " How often do I have to do that"??
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Why is it that blonde jokes seem to be the funniest??
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
‘It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in generally and all in the name of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee.'
Mike
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Truth be known, There are only 3 blonde jokes...the rest are true.
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A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while , he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blond with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No........not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Did ya hear about the blonde trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
Robbie
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A blond walks into a library and says I will have a cheese burger ,fries and a shake . The librarian says . I'm sorry this is a library? The blond whispers Sorry I want a cheese burger fries and a shake.
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A blond standing on the river bank yells to another blond on the other side of the river ." HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?" The blond yells back "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE"
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Blonde associate of mine was fired from the M&M factory. She kept tossing out all of the "W"`s :roll:
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She kept the E's & 3's? :? Really stupid! :mrgreen:
Mike
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Blonde calls 911 to report her house on fire.
Dispatcher asks, "How do we get there?"
Blonde replies, "DUH! Big red truck? Duh!"
:|
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:-o Blonde reported to the EMT's when they pryed her away from the front of her refridgerator and thawed her out, "I went to the fridge to get some Orange juice, and when I read the carton , it said, concentrate! Crow.
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How about the blonde that thought a quarterback was a rebate?
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During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
:cheers:
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The Lawyer, the Blonde and the crabs....
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
:cheers:
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Blond with coach ticket takes a seat in first class on a flight going to Atlanta. The attendant asks her to move but she refuses. The pilot intervenes. He leans down and whispers in the blonds’ ear. She immediately jumps up and runs back to coach. “What did you say to her” the attendant asks. I told her that coach was going to Atlanta but First Class was going to Newark.
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A blonde walks into a bar with a redhead and a brunette. The redhead walks up to the bar, and says "BL, please." The bartender looks at her crosseyed for a second, before he says "OH! Bud Light." The brunette walks up and says "CL, please." He guesses this time, and says "Coors Light". The blonde walks up. She goes "15 please." He does one of these :? and goes "You got me." She says "Duh! 7 and 7 make 15!!!"
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Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked, but.....
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deleted
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C`mon Ron, We won`t be offended :cheers:
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Wasn't concerned about offending anyone (except blonds, LOL) With my computer skills, I don't know how to get it to post from my Email. It didn't post the picture. Tried several different ways, then gave up.
Ron
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Guy with 2 dozen golf balls stuffed in his front pockets sits next to a blonde on a city bus. Girl keeps looking at the massive bulge in the guy`s pants. Guy says " Golf balls" Blonde asks " Does that hurt as bad as tennis elbow" ?? :cheers:
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Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
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It appears the Blondes are striking back. This just in from my blonde friend. "What`s black,blue and brown and lays in a ditch"?? A brunette that told one too many blonde jokes :roll:
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A blonde was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a cop who was also a blonde.
The cop asked for her driver's license.
She dug through
her purse and finally asked "What does it look like?"
The cop replied, "It's square and has your picture on it"
The driver found a mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the officer. "Here it is," she said...
The officer looked at the mirror and handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go...I didn't realize you were a cop."
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Three Blondes were applying for the last available position on the Louisiana Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a cop, you have to be observant. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and
Oddities such as scars and so forth.'
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'
The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye."
The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!'
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'
'Yes! He only has one ear!'
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but. He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'
The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'
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Monday isn''t it?
A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the friggin goal keeper"
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These are only the current selection.
As far back as 1890, remarks such as "I think the bleach affected her head" were common.
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These are only the current selection.
As far back as 1890, remarks such as "I think the bleach affected her head" were common.
Your memory seems to be as good as Freud's... :cheers:
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Two blondes are sitting on the porch ,looking at a full moon. First blonde says:"Wonder which is closer...The moon or Florida"? Second blonde says ;"Duh...Can you SEE Florida"??
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:-D The paramedics found a blonde frozen solid in front of her refridgerator and when they got her thawed out they asked her what happened. She said, "I went to the fridge to get some orange juice and when I read the carton it said, concentrate!
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What do you call teh dead blonde in the closet????????
WINNER OF THE 1988 HIDE-N-GO-SEEK CONTEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A blonde stops by a cafe for lunch and leaves her dog tied to a tree near the curb. A cop asks if the dog is hers ,and when she says it is , He tells her he thinks it`s in heat. She says it`s in the shade. He says he knows that, BUT...The dog needs to be bred. Blonde tells him no, She just fed her, she doesn`t need bread. The cop says....."The dog needs to have sex"!! Blonde says " Go ahead, I`d like a police dog" :cheers:
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Did ya hear about the blonde that went to the airport to have her teeth checked?
She heard that they were doing cavity searches...
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I`m only the messenger.
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The More Complete Set of Blonde Jokes
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get f*cked up when they're on their back.
Q: What do you call a blonde that can suck a golf ball through
a garden hose?
A: Darling.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why does the blonde stare at the juice packet in the morning?
A: It says "concentrate".
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everybody has been in a 747.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side)
I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water
into those little packages.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (Regional joke -- Goods
and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits (teats for all the purists) go in first.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her
more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces herself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde says after having sex?
A: Oh, who were those guys?
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
>A: Because they don't know any better.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's White-out on the screen.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
Q: What does a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have a black box.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because you wash vegetables there!
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette
says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops,
looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving
the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A: Five, one to make the batter and four to peel the smarties.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
>Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
>Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
Q: What to do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: How is a screen door and a blonde the same?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q: How do you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Thursday!
Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up .
Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
Q: If a Blonde and a Brunette both jumped off a bulding at the
same time,who would land first?
>A: The Brunette.....the blonde would have to stop and ask directions.
Q: Two Blondes were walking along, and came to some tracks. One blonde said,
"Those look like deer tracks," and the other said, "No, they look like
Moose tracks."
A: They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Q: What did the blonde call her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: Why did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: Because the cow fell on her.
>
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Mike, Mike, how do I tell you this?
In most of your jokes you've got a singular subject of the proposal sentence/question, such as:
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Here the subject is singular because of the "a" in front of the seemingly plural "blonde's". Anyway, with a singular subject the tense must remain the same throughout -- so instead of "shine a flashlight in THEIR ear" it should read "shine a flashlight in HER ear".
Got it? Thanks. I pick on you only because I happened to read your stuff the first thing after lunch today. Nothing personal, you understand. . .
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Slim,
I wish you corrected it before I had it tatoo'd on my back. Now I'm Grammatically as well as Politically Incorrect! :oops:
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Unh, you should've paid more attention to your fifth grade teacher. What can I say?
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What can I say. it's a cut and paste job from a file I've had for 15 years... back in the days of straight text from Usenet Newsgroups before they became spam gardens.
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From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff (on FRIDAY!! :cheers: ):
The Bus Ride
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'
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A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mother. The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
''Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs."
'Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
''No Honey, it's because you're 19"
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From Ice Cold Mikey in Montreal:
What To Do When It Snows In Newfoundland...
One winter morning a husband and blonde wife in Cornerbrook were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to GOOD Newfoundland WOMEN exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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Another from Ice Cold Mikey in Montreal:
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.... )
The blonde said,
"No, just up to my boobs."
"I can splash it on my eyes."
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What do you call a blonde in a freezer?? A frosted flake. :wink:
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From my seasonally-correct crazy uncle in Red Bluff:
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk asks, "What denomination?"
The blonde replies, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 6 Baptist."
:cheers: Merry Christmas to All!!
Mike
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Blonde goes into Denny`s. After reading the waitress` name tag , she says " Mary...That`s cute, What did you name the other one?
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Nancy and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Nancy, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window.. Again she says "Hi, my name is Nancy, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Jon, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
As Paul Harvey would say "and now you know the rest of the story" :roll:
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Reminds me of the blonde that took a bucket to see the doctor because it was "a little pale"............. :cheers:
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Blonde shows up for work crying and sniffling. Boss asks what the issue is and she tells him her mom passed away. Just then the phone at her desk rings, She answers and starts sobbing and wailing. She hangs up and exclaims......"That was my sister....Her mom died too "
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My crazy uncle in Red Bluff has something against blondes, I guess.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! I'm like.....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!'
-
Actually it was a dollar -- they had four quarters.
-
From IceColdMikey in Montreal:
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit." :cheers:
-
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a Blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-*-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-*-T."
The Blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-*-T."
The exasperated Blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-*-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- Duuhhh!!!
-
A blonde comes home from work and finds her husband in bed , naked and panting like a race horse. Assuming he`s having a heart attack she picks up the phone to call 9-1-1. Just then her 4 year old runs into the room and says " Mom,...Aunt Shirley is in the closet and she`s naked too"!! The blonde slams the phone down, barges to the closet, Rips open the door and exclaims......" You rotten b*tch.....My husband is having a heart attack and you`re playing naked hide and seek with the kids " ? :cheers:
-
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
-
Seem to be going easy on the pigmentaly challenged lately.>>>>>>>>>>.Did you hear about the blonde that nearly killed her toy poodle?? She tried to insert batteries................ :evil:
-
Thread resurrection day.....Did you hear about the blonde that requested an aisle seat on the airplane? She didn`t want to mess up her hair by sitting in a window seat.
-
A guy walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons and says, "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute".
"Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you must buy me a drink".
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer, "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
:cheers:
-
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground safely... I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
(Pause)
"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven . . . . . ."
-
A blonde is walking to her mailbox when the neighbor aproaches and says..." You should close your blinds at night, We were all laughing at you and your husband making crazy monkey-love all last night long " The blonde says " Oh yeah? Well the joke`s on you..........I wasn`t even home last night................."
-
This is funny and she's you guess it "blonde"........http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qhm7-LEBznk
-
Received this morning from Wonderful Wanda:
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.
Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
:cheers:
-
thread resurrection day..............................A blonde takes her boyfriend out to a movie for his birthday. She walks up to the ticket window and asks for two tickets. Clerk asks " For......? Romeo and Juliet ??? " Blonde says " Nooooooooo....For me and my boyfriend "
-
True story. I was doing work in another province and saw this sexy blonde driving a BMW Z3. It had a personalized licence plate. it read BLONDE KZN. The plate was fitted upside down.
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A blonde dies in a car crash ( she was texting while eating and applying make-up) Saint Peter tells her " To enter Heaven you must first answer a question....what was the name of God`s son " ? The Blonde says " Andy".......Saint Peter says " Where did you come up with Andy" ? ( Blonde starts singing to the tune of " In the Garden')............." Andy walks with me...Andy talks with me..............................." :evil:
-
:-D
-
i saw a table full of blondes eating fruit , drinking diet soda and singing............They may have been The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.................. :evil:
-
:cheers:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Coffee spitter, including the nose !!!
-
Jerry, that one coulda gone in the Friday thread as well, wow... :cheers:
-
Revenge of the blondes......what does a brunette miss the most of a great party???....The invitation.
-
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
:dhorse:
Mike
-
Mike, I just choked as well. :-D
-
A blonde and a brunet were shopping together. The blond picked up an item and asked the brunet what it was. The brunet said it's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cool things cool. The blond was delighted and bought it. The next day at work the brunet noticed her blonde friend had the thermos with her at lunch and asked what she had brought in it. The blonde happily responded " two scoops of ice cream and a cup of coffee!".
-
Two blonds were driving to visit Disneyworld. They came upon a large sign that said "Disneyworld Left". They said, crap and turned around and went home.
Ron
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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Illinois School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from Mississippi, and just graduated from Mississippi State University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
:cheers: :dhorse:
-
My blonde friend will not drive her car over 68 MPH...She figures at 69 she`ll blow a rod. ( Sorry ladies...I`m a guy ) :cheers:
-
Oh no, not the Johnson Rod!!!!!
-
This blonde boards her flight to Hawaii and upon learning that it`s a Boeing 777 aircraft she jumps up and starts exctedly shouting " Boeing-Boeing-Boeing"...The flight attendant walks over and says " Please sit and be silent" The blonde sits down and says...."Oeing-oeing-oeing...."
-
A blonds was found, frozen solid , in front of her refridgerator,,,, when the EMT's thawed her out and asked her what happened she said,,, " I don't know, I went to get some orange juice and when I read the carton it said concentrate ! "
-
(http://i.imgur.com/gpALGIH.gif)
Does she think it's like a salad?
:dhorse:
Mike
-
Well, she was told that her engine needed oil.... :-D
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
Maybe not so "Blonde". I have it on good authority that the "victim" vehicle belonged to her boyfriend.
Probably not an LSR guy though.
-
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are down to their last $600 and in financial trouble..
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the
Ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get
There, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it
Home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes
His head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back
To your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My
Sister's' blonde. The word is
Big. She'll read it very slowly.
'com-for-DA-bul.'
-
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are down to their last $600 and in financial trouble..
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the
Ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get
There, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it
Home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes
His head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back
To your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My
Sister's' blonde. The word is
Big. She'll read it very slowly.
'com-for-DA-bul.'
-
How do a blonde`s brain cells die???.....Alone
-
a blonde associate of mine wanted to impress me with her knowledge of state capitals....I asked what the capital of Utah is...She said ..." U" :cheers:
-
What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A Golden Retriever.
-
Q: Why did God give blonde's 2 more brain cells than he gave cows?
A: So they wouldn't shit all over when you play with their tits.
-
Q: How did the BLONDE die ice fishing?.
A: She was run over by the Zamboni.
-
geez Mike...pace yourself.
-
The Horse Rider
A 30 year-old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time. With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves and as her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Frank, the WalMart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
Mike
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Mike!!! We have a WINNER!!! Haven`t laughed so hard in ages.... :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
-
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snow man??? Because you have to hollow out the head. (yes spelling police...I know that males are blond and females are blonde.....) :cheers:
-
My friend Marybeth went to the Dr. because she felt terrible...doc says " Flu"?...M/B said...." No..I drove here ..."
-
The idea that blondes are ditzy isn't new, George Ade wrote "the peroxide seems to have affected her brain" 130 years ago.
George Ade's first published work was in 1896, so that can't be right.
The line (approximately) appears in "The Younger Mrs. Courtney", a novel by Mrs. Frank Broaker, published in 1904. Maybe she stole it from Ade.
Yes, I know I'm being a jerk.
-
And that's what's really important, isn't it? How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
Care to compare IQs?
I don't think I need to read anything of yours.
-
Care to compare IQs?
Care to compare senses of humor?
-
Well......"Peace on earth, good will to men" did not last long, did it? :?
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
Is it just me (I was blond when I had hair) or did a post disappear?
Anyhoo, maybe the George Ade quote, ("Do unto yourself as your neighbors do unto themselves and look pleasant") is in order.
-
In the words of a great elder statesman ( David Gilmour )...
Take a Breath :cheers: JB
-
So....Marybeth just called and asked if I have any burned out light bulbs....Seems she has taken up photography and needs them for her dark room.......
-
Know what Marybeth got on her SAT`s???.....Saliva... :wink:
-
A young blond girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch"
"How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes."
A few hours later the blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blond replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blond said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
-
Marybeth introduced me to her brother who had flown in from Europe for a visit...I asked if she met him at the airport and she said...." No...I`ve known him since he was born"
-
I`m not saying Marybeth is a little dense..BUT...She thinks Meow Mix is a music CD for cats...……..
-
https://youtu.be/eI9OEvMfeW8 (https://youtu.be/eI9OEvMfeW8)
Mike
-
:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
Where's that flow of electrons when you need it? :? :? :-o :-o :-D :-D
-
I for one, Am shocked :cheers:
-
As an aside...I heard she did some jail time...She was charged with battery...……………..
-
Wow...I posted that and now my head hertz...………..
-
If a Tesla is stolen...Does it become an Edison ??? :cheers:
-
If a Tesla is stolen...Does it become an Edison ??? :cheers:
Switch from AC to DC ??? :cheers:
-
I didn't like the Tesla, I took a Volt Ohm.
-
So...Watt did you guys do..Pull the plug on the electricity puns??? :dhorse:
-
Jerry, using a bit of inductive reasoning I think you'll not resist the opinion that we've reached our capacity. I asked my sibling that used to be a boy - now he's my transister - and she threatened to aim her cathode ray tube at me.
-
That's our boy Slim...Well grounded but a bit of a live wire. Happy to provide you w/ an outlet Jon :cheers:
-
Time to switch....What did the farmer give his wife on Valentine`s Day???...Hogs and kisses...
-
...And the French chef???..Hugs and quiches...……..
-
I`m not saying that MaryBeth is a little slow...BUT...The last time she made French toast she got her tongue stuck in the toaster...…….
-
Well well well
-
:-D Thanks, Stainless! You've made my day. :-D
Regards, Neil Tucson, AZ
-
^^^^ Over 300 million to choose from and she was the best "they" could come up with.....2020 will be a walk in the park. :cheers: :cheers:
-
Back on topic...…………...Marybeth asked me what IDK stood for ….I told her " I don`t know"...She said " Well darn...I thought you would …."
-
One more for Neil
-
Jerry, I thought these were on topic... I'm sure she dyes it...
-
:-D :-D :-D
-
Back on topic...…………...Marybeth asked me what IDK stood for ….I told her " I don`t know"...She said " Well darn...I thought you would …."
What!!?? You're a blonde? I never would have guessed. :mrgreen:
-
I hadn't heard AOC was dumb; is that real? Next thing someone will tell me Trump is dishonest. No, maybe not on this forum.
-
:roll:
-
I learned from the POTUS that Puerto Rico was an island, surrounded by water. I wish I had known that when I tried to drive over there.
-
Stan, it is a way easier drive than Hawaii :cheers:
-
My friend MaryBeth never talks during sex...Her mom taught her to never speak to strangers..
-
Thanks for that, Jer. I hope I remember the good one that yours brought to mind. I'll save it for tomorrow.
If I remember. I drive the radioactive route tonight.
-
MaryBeth always puts lipstick on her forehead...It helps her make up her mind....
-
My friend MaryBeth never talks during sex...Her mom taught her to never speak to strangers..
Jerry, I think I met her years ago... I thought it was because it was to difficult to talk with her mouth full :-o
-
Wrong gal Bob.....MaryBeth cannot count to 70 because 69 is a mouthful....
-
I suggested to MaryBeth that she should dye her hair....She said she does not want dead hair.... :clap
-
The first time MaryBeth's iPhone rang...she held it to her eye... :cheers:
-
I would never suggest that MaryBeth is a little dense..But..I Told her there was a kidnapping in the park and she wanted to wake him up..... :cheers:
-
Our Mr. Berry is one sharp cat. He just figured out how to make MaryBeth's eyes light up. Yep, he shines a flashlight in her ear. :cheers:
Mike
-
MaryBeth took a driver's test yesterday...she got 7 out of 10. The other 3 jumped out of her way.... :clap
-
MaryBeth keeps a clock under her desk .....She heard you make more money when you work over time... :clap
-
MaryBeth went to the library and checked out a book.."How to Hug"....turned out to be volume 7 of the encyclopedia,........ :cheers:
-
MaryBeth was driving down the highway while knitting......A cop pulls along side her car and yells "Pull Over"!... MB yelled back " No...It's a sweater"
-
Later that day MaryBeth was swimming back and forth along the bank of the Grand River...A guy asked what she was doing..she said she was washing her clothes...guy asks why she isn't using a washing machine instead and MB replies...."Those make me dizzy"
-
MaryBeth: (Sobbing her heart out, eyes swollen, nose red): "I can't see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!"
Trainer: "It was a sit up. You did one sit up." :clap
-
MaryBeth was ticketed after a minor car accident.....She argued that the other guy was talking on the phone and drinking a beer ,but the officer told her he had the right to do as he pleases on his own porch....
-
Marybeth saw a gas station that had a sign reading "Clean Restrooms"... So she did...
-
Marybeth was painting her garage ....I asked why she had two jackets on..She said "The can says " Apply two coats" :cheers:
-
JerBer asked MaryBeth to spell the word "orange."
Staring at him with a puzzled look on her face, she asked, "The fruit or the color." :dhorse:
-
Mike.... How did you know what MB calls me??? cromag
-
Marybeth asked me which letter comes after X...I told her Y.....She got all torqued off at me and screamed.."Because I asked! That's why!"
-
Looks like MB is baking chocolate chip cookies again....there are M&M shells all over the floor... :cheers:
-
Mike.... How did you know what MB calls me??? cromag
I guess that MaryBeth would say that I must be physic. :cheers:
Mike
-
Marybeth has a new pet zebra......She named it Spot.
-
Jer, is her Dalmatian named Stripes? :?
-
No Woody.....The dog is named "Cat" :cheers:
-
When Jerry jokingly asked Mary Beth if she could screw in a lightbulb she said "Duh... there's not enough room in there"
-
MaryBeth just LOVES racing stripes on old 4-barrel Fords. :friday
Mike
-
MB is not a fan of hi-boys ...but that 8N might a tractor.... :clap :clap :clap
-
MB is not a fan of hi-boys ...but that 8N might a tractor.... :clap :clap :clap
and you might receive a "Deere John" letter.... :roll:
-
I introduced Marybeth to my friend Jane and MB asked if she had any children...Jane said that she has a daughter that is just under two....Marybeth replied " I might be blonde..but I know how many one is.......
-
Knowing that I am a minister...Marybeth asked "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group"? I said " You mean a choir"....MB replied..."Fine....How much to acquire one" :clap :clap :clap
-
Easter bonus.....Marybeth feels cheated....She only has two sisters but her brother has three....... :cheers:
-
A blond and her friends were drinking wine and talking one evening. One of the friends said that 6 Brazilian skydivers had died. The blond said how terrible that was. Another friend said its a very dangerous sport. The blond asked ..exactly how many is a brazilian anyway..
-
A blond and her friends were drinking wine and talking one evening. One of the friends said that 6 Brazilian skydivers had died. The blond said how terrible that was. Another friend said its a very dangerous sport. The blond asked ..exactly how many is a brazilian anyway..
Oh, oh, I know the answer. A brazilian is a bit less than a cazillion. What do I win? :cheers:
-
Then, how much is a gazillion?
John
-
Marybeth spent an entire week washing two basement windows....The first six days were used digging the holes for the ladder...
-
Marybeth called me to share her excitement over the compliment she received regarding her driving skill....Someone left a slip of paper on her windshield that read "Parking Fine "
-
After robbing a bank, a blond, a brunette, and a redhead duck into an alley where they hide in potato sacks. The cops first go to the sack with the brunette in it and kick it. The brunette says, "Meow." They go to the sack with the redhead and kick it. She says, "Woof, woof." Last, they kick the sack with the blond, and she says, "Po-ta-to."
-
Marybeth put her iPad in the blender....She was trying to make Apple juice....
-
Marybeth went to a mind reader. He charged her half price.....
-
Did I mention they Marybeth took a bag of shredded wood to the bank?? She wanted to open a shavings account...
-
maybeth's husband asked here dentist if he could put back in her Wisdom teeth .
-
Oh sure....Bad mouthing MY friend..... :cheers:
-
maybeth's husband asked here dentist if he could put back in her Wisdom teeth .
Hey Jerr... I thought your blond neighbor was Marybeth.... Paul's blond neighbor is Maybeth...
Every continent has one ya know... not that I'm planning to referee this tooth and nail fight 8-)
-
🤔....So Bob....🤔🤔..."R" you saying that in the whole world...I have only one friend??? cromag :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
-
Of course not Jerry :deal I was thinking you might have one on every continent... just not all at the same time :naughty aktion086
:cheers:
-
You know me well Sir.
-
Sorry guys " marybeth " it is , fat finger typing or just Lazy . paul .
-
No issues Paul.....You gave Bob and I a reason to spar. :cheers:
-
I told Marybeth she would have fewer hangovers if she drank less vodka.....She just called and said no one stocks that brand.....
-
.......And Marybeth only goes to the dentist if her car gets dented.....
-
Marybeth joined the crew of a pirate ship...she is the Pillage Idiot...💀
-
MB's answer to everything is alcohol.....She doesn't drink...She is just bad at crossword puzzles...
-
Did I mention Marybeth bought a jet ski? She hurt her back putting it on the chair lift.
-
🤔.... Since she knows I do not drink .....Marybeth keeps empty beer bottles in the' fridge ...
-
I told Mary Beth I am afraid of bees.....She told me the entire alphabet scares her.........🤔
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Hey Jerry, Johnboy asked me if I thought Mary Beth wore panties with flowers on them... I said I don't know but I'd ask you....🤔 🤔
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Robert....😐...You missed ol' MB on television a couple weeks ago...She was interviewed regarding her antiques biz.
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Darn... :oops:
but you didn't answer the question :evil: if you're taking the fifth we all understand... you could have Patti ask her then pretend you didn't know and report back :roll:
We'll wait... 1drink
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Said the guy who blames Johnboy..... :cheers:
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Come on Jer.... he was just curious if she was the kind of girl that would memorialize all the faces that have been buried there... :laugh:
:cheers:
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🤔.....Racing?..... :cheers:
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And since I started with bee's.....I believe the flowers would denote the number of stingers that have proved that region... 1drink
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Mary Beth asked another gal of similar hair color what day July 4th landed on.....She replied "I think it is the 15th"..🤔
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Mary Beth wonders at what age she should tell her mother she was adopted.....
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Mary Beth thinks she is being stalked.....She keeps getting texts from Amber Alert....
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My wife gets calls from Spam Risk! :evil:
If your last name is Risk why would you name your blonde kid Spam? :?
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Woody......I do not make fun of other people's names.😇
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Jerry, I didn't realize Mary Beth was a doomsdayer... She just sent out this alert
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Did I mention that Marybeth sleeps with a yardstick next to her pillow? She likes to know how long she slept.
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Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out all the 'W's
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🤔.....No one wants the low hanging fruit??.O.K., I will take them. She also tossed the 3's and E's.
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How does a blonde brain cell die...Alone :roll:
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This thread looks lonely...🤔....Marybeth called me last winter and said " Jer-Ber...I need some help..." It seems she was watching the local news and heard a reminder to park on the even numbered side of the street so the plows could get thru....But there was a huge drift in front of the garage and she could not get her car out..... :cheers:
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Poor little Marybeth.....Power went out at the mall and she was stranded on the escalator for over 3 hours...... :friday
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Update on Marybeth.....She was fired from her job at the sperm bank. Every time a fellow entered the building she would say "Get a load of that guy "
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A blonde asked why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes...
The English professor said they often interrupt periods and lead to contractions cromag
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I asked Mary Beth why she was standing at a mirror with her eyes closed.....She told me she wanted to see what she looks like while asleep....
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Saw Marybeth this morning....She was holding her open purse on top of her head....She said she heard there was change coming in the weather.....
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So Marybeth took her car in for service and they offered a low cost tire rotation....She asked ..."Don't they rotate when I drive"?....