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Humor -- stories, links, etc -- may not be right for kids to read! => THE place for (what you think is) funny stuff. => Topic started by: 4-barrel Mike on May 16, 2009, 05:19:12 PM



Title: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on May 16, 2009, 05:19:12 PM
STEPHEN & THE BLONDE
 
Stephen, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on.  The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
 
The blonde looked at Stephen and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Stephen said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Stephen placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
 
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Stephen, saying, "Fair's fair.  Here's your money."
 
Stephen replied, "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Stephen took the money...


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Glen on May 20, 2009, 03:59:49 PM
A blond runs into the back of a car at a stop light, as she walks up to the car a dwarf jumps out and shouts at her, I'M not happy!! and she replies well which one are you. :lol:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 20, 2009, 07:21:26 PM
They just found a blonde down here, frozen solid, in front of her refridgerator.  When the EMT's got her thawed out , they asked her what had happened. The slightly chilled blonde said, " I don't know. I went to the fridge to get some orange juice and when I was reading the carton it said, concentrate!


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on May 20, 2009, 07:52:01 PM
Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde  mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'What ever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician pr esents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'



Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: McRat on May 20, 2009, 08:08:09 PM
A blonde walks into a bar.  She is decked out, gold, diamonds, mink jacket.  She is gorgeous, err... kind of.  Her head is about 4" high, and the rest of her is perfect.

Bartender says, "Uh, hi."

She says, "Just ask dammit."

Bartender queries, "What happened to you!"

She says, "I was walking down the beach and I found a bottle.  I picked it up, and a genie shot up out of it.  He was half naked and very handsome.  He said he would grant me 3 wishes.  So, well, I was kind of plain looking, so I asked, 'Can you make into a beautiful blond?'  POOF!!  He made me knock-out gorgeous.  WOW!  So I asked, 'Can you make me the richest woman on earth?'  POOF!!  Hundred dollars bills rained down all around me.  WOW!!  I had everything.  I should have stopped there.  But darn that genie was very cute.  'Could I get a little head?'"



Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: will6er on May 20, 2009, 09:24:44 PM
Dolly Parton was once asked if it bothered her that some people thought she was a dumb blonde. She said, "That's OK. I'm not dumb, and I'm not a blonde. :-D


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on May 22, 2009, 07:21:39 AM
Blonde walks  in to work Monday morning wearing a T.G.I.F. shirt. Her co-worker asks why she`s wearing a "Thank god it`s Friday shirt, on Monday  " Blonde says, "I thought it meant T#ts Go In Front" :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on May 26, 2009, 07:12:23 PM
Speaking of Dolly -

My sister, a collector of Barbie dolls, went to the Grand Ole Opry gift shop, where they had Dolly Parton dolls for sale.  She bought one, and the clerk said, "You'll need some batteries". 

"Really!", said my sister, somewhat surprised.  "What does this Dolly doll do that it requires batteries?"

"Oh, nothing", said the clerk.  "They're just for counterbalance".


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: aircap on May 26, 2009, 08:04:14 PM
Now that's funny.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on June 04, 2009, 07:41:27 AM
Blonde takes her car to the repair shop because it "runs funny". Returns the next day and asks if  it was an easy fix. Mechanic says, " Crap in the air filter" and the blonde asks- " How often do I have to do that"??


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on July 01, 2009, 04:01:32 PM
Why is it that blonde jokes seem to be the funniest??

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
 
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
 
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid Acura blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

‘It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in generally and all in the name of humor!'
 
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little Subaru on your knee.'

Mike


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on July 02, 2009, 08:01:10 PM
Truth be known, There are only 3 blonde jokes...the rest are true.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 13, 2009, 09:10:18 AM
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while , he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blond with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No........not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: stratman59 on September 06, 2009, 07:35:11 PM
Did ya hear about the blonde  trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

Robbie


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: racer x on September 06, 2009, 09:31:25 PM
A blond walks into a library and says I will have a cheese burger ,fries and a shake . The librarian says . I'm sorry this is a library? The blond whispers Sorry I want a cheese burger fries and a shake.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: racer x on September 06, 2009, 09:33:39 PM
A blond standing on the river bank yells to another blond on the other side of the river ." HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?" The blond yells back "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE"


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on October 14, 2009, 01:11:41 PM
Blonde associate of mine was fired from the M&M factory.  She kept tossing out all of the "W"`s :roll:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 14, 2009, 01:18:18 PM
She kept the E's & 3's?  :?  Really stupid!   :mrgreen:

Mike


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Gwillard on October 14, 2009, 01:34:47 PM
Blonde calls 911 to report her house on fire.
Dispatcher asks, "How do we get there?"
Blonde replies, "DUH! Big red truck? Duh!"
  :|


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: theazoldcrow on October 14, 2009, 06:38:58 PM
 :-o Blonde reported to the EMT's when they pryed her away from the front of her refridgerator and thawed her out,  "I went to the fridge to get some Orange juice, and when I read the carton , it said, concentrate!        Crow.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on October 15, 2009, 08:21:13 AM
How about the blonde that thought a quarterback was a rebate?


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 23, 2009, 12:12:20 PM
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

 :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 23, 2009, 12:16:24 PM
The Lawyer, the Blonde and the crabs....

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

 :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: LittleLiner on October 23, 2009, 06:51:08 PM
Blond with coach ticket takes a seat in first class on a flight going to Atlanta.  The attendant asks her to move but she refuses.  The pilot intervenes.  He leans down and whispers in the blonds’ ear.  She immediately jumps up and runs back to coach.  “What did you say to her” the attendant asks.  I told her that coach was going to Atlanta but First Class was going to Newark.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: nicho919 on November 04, 2009, 11:39:34 PM
A blonde walks into a bar with a redhead and a brunette. The redhead walks up to the bar, and says "BL, please." The bartender looks at her crosseyed for a second, before he says "OH! Bud Light." The brunette walks up and says "CL, please." He guesses this time, and says "Coors Light". The blonde walks up. She goes "15 please." He does one of these  :? and goes "You got me." She says "Duh! 7 and 7 make 15!!!"


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: RayTheRat on November 05, 2009, 08:54:33 AM
Two blondes walk into a bar.  You'd think the second one would have ducked, but.....


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Ron Gibson on November 05, 2009, 09:30:31 AM
deleted


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on November 05, 2009, 10:22:38 AM
C`mon Ron, We won`t be offended :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Ron Gibson on November 05, 2009, 03:38:19 PM
Wasn't concerned about offending anyone (except blonds, LOL)  With my computer skills, I don't know how to get it to post from my Email. It didn't post the picture. Tried several different ways, then gave up.

Ron


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on December 17, 2009, 11:36:24 AM
Guy with 2 dozen golf balls stuffed in his front pockets sits next to a blonde on a city bus. Girl keeps looking at the massive bulge in the guy`s pants. Guy says " Golf balls"  Blonde asks " Does that hurt as bad as tennis elbow" ?? :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: stratman59 on December 18, 2009, 07:18:27 AM
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on January 10, 2010, 08:23:29 PM
It appears the Blondes are striking back. This just in from my blonde friend. "What`s black,blue and brown and lays in a ditch"?? A  brunette that told one too many blonde jokes :roll:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Stainless1 on January 27, 2010, 09:28:56 PM
A blonde was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a cop who was also a blonde.
The cop asked for her driver's license.
She dug through
her purse and finally asked "What does it look like?" 
The cop replied, "It's square and has your picture on it"   
The driver found a mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the officer.  "Here it is," she said...
The officer looked at the mirror and handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go...I didn't realize you were a cop."


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Yellow Chevy on January 27, 2010, 11:35:32 PM
Three Blondes were applying for the last available position on the Louisiana Highway Patrol.  The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'

 The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.  Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a cop, you have to be observant.  You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and
Oddities such as scars and so forth.'

 So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

 Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'

 The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye."

 The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!

 You're dismissed!'

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

 The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'

 'Yes! He only has one ear!'

 The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

 The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but. He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'

The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'

 The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

 He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'

 The blonde rolled her eyes and said,

'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'

 



Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Stainless1 on March 01, 2010, 10:23:11 AM
Monday isn''t it?

A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the friggin goal keeper"



Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: panic on March 02, 2010, 10:11:23 AM
These are only the current selection.
As far back as 1890, remarks such as "I think the bleach affected her head" were common.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Stainless1 on March 02, 2010, 10:16:21 PM
These are only the current selection.
As far back as 1890, remarks such as "I think the bleach affected her head" were common.

Your memory seems to be as good as Freud's...  :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on July 20, 2010, 01:14:20 PM
Two blondes are sitting on the porch ,looking at a full moon. First blonde says:"Wonder which is closer...The moon or Florida"?  Second blonde says ;"Duh...Can you SEE Florida"??


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 20, 2010, 01:29:32 PM
 :-D The paramedics found a blonde frozen solid in front of her refridgerator and when they got her thawed out they asked her what happened.  She said, "I went to the fridge to get some orange juice and when I read the carton it said,  concentrate!


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: BackwoodsBoy on August 02, 2010, 12:47:59 PM
What do you call teh dead blonde in the closet????????














WINNER OF THE 1988 HIDE-N-GO-SEEK CONTEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on August 18, 2010, 07:53:47 PM
A blonde stops by a cafe for lunch and leaves her dog tied to a tree near the curb. A cop asks if the dog is hers ,and when she says it is , He tells her he thinks it`s in heat. She says it`s in the shade. He says he knows that, BUT...The dog needs to be bred. Blonde tells him no, She just fed her, she doesn`t need bread.  The cop says....."The dog needs to have sex"!!    Blonde says " Go ahead, I`d like a police dog" :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: SlyOneJr on August 19, 2010, 11:53:41 AM
Did ya hear about the blonde that went to the airport to have her teeth checked?


She heard that they were doing cavity searches...


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on October 06, 2010, 07:18:22 PM
I`m only the messenger.


Title: long list of Blonde Jokes from back when they were in vogue
Post by: LSR Mike on October 20, 2010, 12:12:30 PM
The More Complete Set of Blonde Jokes


Q:      What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A:      Gifted!



Q:      What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?

A:      Artificial intelligence.



Q:      Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A:      You can park in the handicap zone.



Q:      Why is a blonde like a turtle?

A:      They both get f*cked up when they're on their back.



Q:      What do you call a blonde that can suck a golf ball through

        a garden hose?

A:      Darling.



Q:      How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A:      Shine a flashlight in their ear.



Q:      Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A:      It takes too long to retrain them.



Q:      Why does the blonde stare at the juice packet in the morning?

A:      It says "concentrate".



Q:      What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

A:      Not everybody has been in a 747.



Q:      Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?

A:      (With a rocking of the head from side to side)

        I dunno!



Q:      How do you kill a blonde?

A:      Put spikes in their shoulder pads.



Q:      Why don't blondes eat Jello?

A:      They can't figure out how to get two cups of water

        into those little packages.


Q:      Why do blondes wear hoop earings?

A:      They have to have some place to rest their ankles.


Q:      Why do blondes wear green lipstick?

A:      Because red means stop.



Q:      Why do blondes wear red lipstick?

A:      Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."



Q:      Why do blondes wear underwear?
A:      They make good ankle warmers.


Q:      What's the mating call of the blonde?
A:      "I'm *sooo* drunk!"


Q:      What's the mating call of the brunette?
A:      "All the blondes have gone home!"



Q:      What's the mating call of the redhead?

A:      "Next!"


Q:      Why do Blondes like the GST? (Regional joke -- Goods

                 and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A:      Because they can spell it.



Q:      Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A:      Toes go in first.



Q:      Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?

A:      Tits (teats for all the purists) go in first.


Q:      What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her
   more attractive?

A:      Her ankles.



Q:      What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?

A:      "Have another beer."



Q:      What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?

A:      An interpreter.



Q:      What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

         A1:     Introduces herself.

         A2:     Walks home.



Q:      What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?

A:      Opens the car door.



Q:      What's the first thing a blonde says after having sex?

A:      Oh, who were those guys?



Q:      What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?

A:      "Thanks for the refill!"


Q:      Why do blondes have more fun?

>A:      Because they don't know any better.



Q:      How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?

A:      There's White-out on the screen.



Q:      What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

A:      You only have to punch information into a computer once.



Q:      What do a blonde and your computer have in common?

A:      You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.



Q:      How does a blonde part their hair?

A:      (Action of scissoring legs apart)


Q:      What does a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?

A:      They both have a black box.



Q:      Why do blondes like tilt steering?

A:      More head room.



Q:      Why don't blondes eat pickles?

A:      Because they can't get their head in the jar.



Q:      Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A:      Because you wash vegetables there!



Q:      Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?

A:      To see what was on the other side.





A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.  The brunette

         says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie".  The blonde stops,

         looks up, and says, "Where?"





A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving

         the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop:  Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.



Q:      How do blondes pierce their ears?

A:      They put tacks in their shoulder pads.



Q:      How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

A:      Five, one to make the batter and four to peel the smarties.



Q:      What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

A:      You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.



Q:      What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?

A:      They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".



Q:      How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

A:      She threw it off a cliff.



Q:      Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw

        puzzle in only 6 months?

A:      Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.



Q:      What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?

A:      "Nice tits!"



Q:      How does a blonde high-5?

A:      She smacks herself in the forehead.



Q:      Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?

A:      Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.



Q:      Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A:      To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.



Q:      How does a blonde interpret 6.9?

A:      A 69 interrupted by a period.



>Q:      How do you brainwash a blonde?

A:      Give her a douche and shake her upside down.



Q:      What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?

 A:      A dope ring.



>Q:      Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?

A:      It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.



Q:      What to do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A:      Pull the pin and throw it back.



Q:      How is a screen door and a blonde the same?

A:      The more you bang it the looser it gets.



Q:   How do you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?

A:   Tell her a joke on Thursday!



Q:   What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?

A:   They're both empty from the neck up .



Q:   What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?

A:   You can park in the handicapped zone.



Q:   If a Blonde and a Brunette both jumped off a bulding at the
same time,who would land first?

>A:   The Brunette.....the blonde would have to stop and ask directions.



Q:   Two Blondes were walking along, and came to some tracks.  One blonde said,

            "Those look like deer tracks," and the other said, "No, they look like

            Moose tracks."

A:   They were still arguing when the train hit them.



Q:   What did the blonde call her pet Zebra?

A:   Spot.



Q:  Why did the blonde die drinking milk?

A:  Because the cow fell on her.

>




Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on October 20, 2010, 12:25:44 PM
Mike, Mike, how do I tell you this?

In most of your jokes you've got a singular subject of the proposal sentence/question, such as:

Q:      How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

A:      Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Here the subject is singular because of the "a" in front of the seemingly plural "blonde's".  Anyway, with a singular subject the tense must remain the same throughout -- so instead of "shine a flashlight in THEIR ear" it should read "shine a flashlight in HER ear".

Got it?  Thanks.  I pick on you only because I happened to read your stuff the first thing after lunch today.  Nothing personal, you understand. . .


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Rcktscientist on October 20, 2010, 12:39:33 PM
Slim,

I wish you corrected it before I had it tatoo'd on my back. Now I'm Grammatically as well as Politically Incorrect! :oops:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on October 20, 2010, 12:43:55 PM
Unh, you should've paid more attention to your fifth grade teacher.  What can I say?


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: LSR Mike on October 22, 2010, 10:03:15 AM
What can I say. it's a cut and paste job from a file I've had for 15 years... back in the days of straight text from Usenet Newsgroups before they became spam gardens.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 22, 2010, 11:44:50 AM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff (on FRIDAY!!  :cheers: ):

The Bus Ride 

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'

 


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Stainless1 on November 12, 2010, 09:34:26 AM
A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mother. The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

''Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!' And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs."

'Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

''No Honey, it's because you're 19"



Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on December 03, 2010, 01:00:29 AM
From Ice Cold Mikey in Montreal:

What To Do When It Snows In Newfoundland...

One winter morning a husband and blonde wife in Cornerbrook were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to GOOD Newfoundland WOMEN exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on December 03, 2010, 01:01:46 AM
Another from Ice Cold Mikey in Montreal:

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"







(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.... )









The blonde said,
"No, just up to my boobs."

"I can splash it on my eyes."


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on December 10, 2010, 05:58:31 AM
What do you call a blonde in a freezer??     A frosted flake. :wink:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on December 16, 2010, 01:38:53 PM
From my seasonally-correct crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk asks, "What denomination?"

The blonde replies, "God help us. Has it come to this?  Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 6 Baptist."

 :cheers:  Merry Christmas to All!!

Mike


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on January 21, 2011, 05:41:19 AM
Blonde goes into Denny`s. After reading the waitress` name tag , she says " Mary...That`s cute, What did you name the other one?


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Stainless1 on January 31, 2011, 01:51:44 PM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Nancy and you are losing some of your load." 

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Nancy, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window.. Again she says "Hi, my name is Nancy, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
 
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Jon, it's winter in Michigan  and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

As Paul Harvey would say "and now you know the rest of the story"  :roll:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on February 11, 2011, 08:34:05 AM
Reminds me of the blonde that took a bucket to see the doctor because it was "a little pale"............. :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on March 01, 2011, 10:39:19 AM
Blonde shows up for work crying and sniffling. Boss asks what the issue is and she tells him her mom passed away. Just then the phone at her desk rings, She answers and starts sobbing and wailing. She hangs up and exclaims......"That was my sister....Her mom died too "


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 05, 2011, 12:13:46 PM
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff has something against blondes, I guess.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
 
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!  I'm like.....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!'




Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Stan Back on March 05, 2011, 01:26:27 PM
Actually it was a dollar -- they had four quarters.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 12, 2011, 12:41:15 AM
From IceColdMikey in Montreal:

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."    :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on April 23, 2011, 08:26:01 PM
A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a Blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-*-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-*-T."

The Blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-*-T."

The exasperated Blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-*-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- Duuhhh!!!


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on May 04, 2011, 07:56:31 AM
A blonde comes home from work and finds her husband in bed , naked and panting like a race horse. Assuming he`s having a heart attack she picks up the phone to call 9-1-1. Just then her 4 year old runs into the room and says " Mom,...Aunt Shirley is in the closet and she`s naked too"!! The blonde slams the phone down, barges to the closet, Rips open the door and exclaims......" You rotten b*tch.....My husband is having a heart attack and you`re playing naked hide and seek with the kids " ? :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 11, 2011, 01:36:41 PM
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on January 13, 2012, 09:28:58 AM
Seem to be going easy on the pigmentaly challenged lately.>>>>>>>>>>.Did you hear about the blonde that nearly killed her toy poodle?? She tried to insert batteries................ :evil:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on April 06, 2012, 09:06:33 AM
Thread resurrection day.....Did you hear about the blonde that requested an aisle seat on the airplane? She didn`t want to mess up her hair by sitting in a window seat.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on May 03, 2012, 05:04:56 PM
A guy walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.  He puts the crocodile up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons and says, "I'll make you a deal.  I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.  Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute".

"Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.  In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you must buy me a drink".

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.  The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head.  The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer, "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.  A blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

 :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on May 28, 2012, 03:38:59 PM
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground safely... I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

(Pause)

"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven . . . . . ."


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on October 15, 2012, 08:56:09 AM
A blonde is walking to her mailbox when the neighbor aproaches and says..." You should close your blinds at night, We were all laughing at  you and your husband making crazy monkey-love all  last night long "   The blonde says " Oh yeah? Well the joke`s on you..........I wasn`t even home last night................."


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: jimmy six on October 16, 2012, 01:30:57 PM
This is funny and she's you guess it "blonde"........http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qhm7-LEBznk


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on December 03, 2012, 11:49:30 AM
Received this morning from Wonderful Wanda:

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.  He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
 
Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.  So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. 
 
Hellooooo?  It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.  There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.  He never called back.  I bet he felt like an idiot.

 :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on September 27, 2013, 07:10:41 AM
thread resurrection day..............................A blonde takes her boyfriend out to a movie for his birthday.  She walks up to the ticket window and asks for two tickets. Clerk asks  " For......? Romeo and Juliet ??? " Blonde says " Nooooooooo....For me and my boyfriend "


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: tauruck on September 27, 2013, 09:19:01 PM
True story. I was doing work in another province and saw this sexy blonde driving a BMW Z3. It had a personalized licence plate. it read BLONDE KZN. The plate was fitted upside down.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on October 01, 2013, 08:08:37 AM
A blonde dies in a car crash ( she was texting while eating and applying make-up)   Saint Peter tells her " To enter Heaven you must first answer a question....what was the name of God`s son " ?   The Blonde says " Andy".......Saint Peter says " Where did you come up with Andy" ?  ( Blonde starts singing to the tune of " In the Garden')............." Andy walks with me...Andy talks with me..............................." :evil:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: tauruck on September 30, 2014, 02:51:48 AM
 :-D


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on October 10, 2014, 08:09:30 AM
i saw a table full of blondes eating fruit , drinking diet soda and singing............They may have been The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.................. :evil:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: theazoldcrow on October 10, 2014, 01:43:24 PM
 :cheers:
                       ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Coffee spitter, including the nose !!!


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Stainless1 on October 10, 2014, 08:30:14 PM
Jerry, that one coulda gone in the Friday thread as well, wow...  :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on January 08, 2015, 09:10:28 AM
Revenge of the blondes......what does a brunette miss the most of a great party???....The invitation.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 08, 2015, 10:35:35 AM
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

 :dhorse:

Mike


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: tauruck on January 08, 2015, 11:54:09 AM
Mike, I just choked as well. :-D


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: DaveB on January 08, 2015, 12:10:37 PM
A blonde and a brunet were shopping together. The blond picked up an item and asked the brunet what it was. The brunet said it's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cool things cool. The blond was delighted and bought it. The next day at work the brunet noticed her blonde friend had the thermos with her at lunch and asked what she had brought in it. The blonde happily responded " two scoops of ice cream and a cup of coffee!".


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Ron Gibson on January 21, 2015, 10:45:45 AM
Two blonds were driving to visit Disneyworld. They came upon a large sign that said "Disneyworld Left". They said, crap and turned around and went home.

Ron


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 21, 2015, 11:03:57 AM
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Illinois School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from Mississippi, and just graduated from Mississippi State University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

 :cheers:  :dhorse:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on February 06, 2015, 08:08:36 AM
My blonde friend will not drive her car over 68 MPH...She figures at 69 she`ll blow a rod.   ( Sorry ladies...I`m a guy ) :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: tauruck on February 06, 2015, 11:16:18 AM
Oh no, not the Johnson Rod!!!!!


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on March 06, 2015, 08:17:31 AM
This blonde  boards her flight to Hawaii and upon learning that it`s a Boeing 777 aircraft she jumps up and starts exctedly shouting " Boeing-Boeing-Boeing"...The flight attendant walks over and says " Please sit and be silent"  The blonde sits down and says...."Oeing-oeing-oeing...."


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: theazoldcrow on March 06, 2015, 11:04:52 AM
A blonds was found, frozen solid , in front of her refridgerator,,,, when the EMT's thawed her out and asked her what happened she said,,, " I don't know, I went to get some orange juice and when I read the carton it said concentrate ! "


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 30, 2015, 12:55:37 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/gpALGIH.gif)

Does she think it's like a salad?

 :dhorse:

Mike


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: manta22 on March 30, 2015, 01:23:58 PM
Well, she was told that her engine needed oil....  :-D

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on March 31, 2015, 11:00:48 PM
Maybe not so "Blonde".  I have it on good authority that the "victim" vehicle belonged to her boyfriend.
Probably not an LSR guy though.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Stainless1 on June 05, 2015, 08:18:29 AM
Two sisters, one  blonde and one brunette, inherit  the family ranch.  Unfortunately, after just a  few years, they  are down to their last $600 and in financial trouble..

In  order to keep the  bank from repossessing the   
Ranch, they need  to purchase a bull so that they  can breed their  own stock.
Upon leaving,  the brunette tells  her sister, 'When I get
There, if I decide  to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
 
The brunette  arrives at the man's ranch, inspects  the bull, and decides she wants to buy  it.

The man tells her that  he will sell it for $599, no less.
After  paying him, she drives  the nearest town    to send  her sister a telegram to tell her the  news.

She walks  into the telegraph office, and says, 'I  want to send a telegram to my sister telling her  that I've bought a  bull for our ranch.
 
I need her to  hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it 
Home.'
 
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents  a word.
Well,  after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
 
After a few  minutes of thinking, she nods and says,  'I want you to send her the word  'comfortable.'
 
The operator  shakes
His head. 'How is  she ever going to know that you want her to  hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive  out here to haul that bull back 
To your ranch if  you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
 
The brunette  explains, 'My
Sister's' blonde.  The word is
Big. She'll  read it very slowly.
'com-for-DA-bul.'
 


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: sabat on June 05, 2015, 09:19:28 AM
Two sisters, one  blonde and one brunette, inherit  the family ranch.  Unfortunately, after just a  few years, they  are down to their last $600 and in financial trouble..

In  order to keep the  bank from repossessing the   
Ranch, they need  to purchase a bull so that they  can breed their  own stock.
Upon leaving,  the brunette tells  her sister, 'When I get
There, if I decide  to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
 
The brunette  arrives at the man's ranch, inspects  the bull, and decides she wants to buy  it.

The man tells her that  he will sell it for $599, no less.
After  paying him, she drives  the nearest town    to send  her sister a telegram to tell her the  news.

She walks  into the telegraph office, and says, 'I  want to send a telegram to my sister telling her  that I've bought a  bull for our ranch.
 
I need her to  hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it 
Home.'
 
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents  a word.
Well,  after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
 
After a few  minutes of thinking, she nods and says,  'I want you to send her the word  'comfortable.'
 
The operator  shakes
His head. 'How is  she ever going to know that you want her to  hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive  out here to haul that bull back 
To your ranch if  you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
 
The brunette  explains, 'My
Sister's' blonde.  The word is
Big. She'll  read it very slowly.
'com-for-DA-bul.'
 



Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on August 07, 2015, 09:17:07 AM
How do a blonde`s brain cells die???.....Alone


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on August 07, 2015, 09:20:04 AM
a blonde associate of mine wanted to impress me with her knowledge of state capitals....I asked what the capital of Utah is...She said  ..." U" :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: tauruck on August 20, 2015, 10:43:28 PM
What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A Golden Retriever.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: tauruck on August 20, 2015, 10:55:19 PM
Q: Why did God give blonde's 2 more brain cells than he gave cows? 

A: So they wouldn't  Subaru all over when you play with their tits.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: tauruck on August 20, 2015, 10:59:50 PM
Q: How did the BLONDE die ice fishing?.

A: She was run over by the Zamboni.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on August 21, 2015, 04:38:39 PM
geez Mike...pace yourself.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 09, 2015, 06:22:10 PM
The Horse Rider

A 30 year-old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time.  With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.  She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.  Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves and as her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Frank, the WalMart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

Mike


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Kiwi Paul on September 13, 2015, 09:13:56 PM
Mike!!! We have a WINNER!!! Haven`t laughed so hard in ages.... :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on January 22, 2016, 08:27:02 AM
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snow man???  Because you have to hollow out the head.   (yes spelling police...I know that males are blond and females are blonde.....) :cheers:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on January 02, 2018, 09:51:41 AM
My friend Marybeth went to the Dr. because she felt terrible...doc says " Flu"?...M/B said...." No..I drove here ..."


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: tortoise on January 02, 2018, 05:39:29 PM
The idea that blondes are ditzy isn't new, George Ade wrote "the peroxide seems to have affected her brain" 130 years ago.

George Ade's first published work was in 1896, so that can't be right.

The line (approximately) appears in "The Younger Mrs. Courtney", a novel by Mrs. Frank Broaker, published in 1904. Maybe she stole it from Ade.

Yes, I know I'm being a jerk.










Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: panic on January 02, 2018, 07:47:12 PM
And that's what's really important, isn't it?  How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
Care to compare IQs?
I don't think I need to read anything of yours.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: tortoise on January 02, 2018, 09:34:31 PM
Care to compare IQs?

Care to compare senses of humor?


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: manta22 on January 02, 2018, 10:13:58 PM
Well......"Peace on earth, good will to men" did not last long, did it?  :?

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: salt27 on January 02, 2018, 10:38:54 PM
Is it just me (I was blond when I had hair) or did a post disappear?

Anyhoo, maybe the George Ade quote, ("Do unto yourself as your neighbors do unto themselves and look pleasant") is in order.


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on January 03, 2018, 09:48:36 AM
In the words of a great elder statesman ( David Gilmour )...
 Take a Breath :cheers: JB


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on January 03, 2018, 10:51:24 AM
So....Marybeth just called and asked if I have any burned out light bulbs....Seems she has taken up photography and needs them for her dark room.......


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on January 03, 2018, 10:56:38 AM
Know what Marybeth got on her SAT`s???.....Saliva... :wink:


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: Happy Pappy on April 27, 2018, 06:31:38 PM
A young blond girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
 She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch"
"How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.  The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes."
A few hours later the blond came to the door to collect her money.
 "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.   "Yes," the blond replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.


"Thank you," the blond said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."


Title: Re: Blonde joke
Post by: floydjer on September 19, 2018, 12:10:57 PM
Marybeth introduced me to her  brother who had flown in from Europe for a visit...I asked if she met him at the airport and she said...." No...I`ve known him since he was born"