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Humor -- stories, links, etc -- may not be right for kids to read! => THE place for (what you think is) funny stuff. => Topic started by: floydjer on March 24, 2009, 07:25:34 AM



Title: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 24, 2009, 07:25:34 AM
Two silk worms decide to race.............They ended up in a tie. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on March 24, 2009, 08:54:51 AM
as usual I won't start a new thread but will add to one already extant:


1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
 
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
 
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin s say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
 
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
 
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
 
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
 
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.."
 
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
 
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above is locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
 
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
 
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
 
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
 
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
 
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.
 
15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too Dodge ugly to kiss good-bye “



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on March 24, 2009, 10:25:00 AM
 :-D :-o :-D :-D :? :roll: :cheers: :cheers:  Firs thing in the morning I read this thread, and it ticklrd the healy out of me!!!                          And that's No joke!!!!        What happens when you cross a mule, and a peanut butter sandwich????????????  You either get a hairy peanut butter sandwich,,, or a piece of Acura that sticks to the roof of your mouth!!!!  Veteranrily speaking, that is....    Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 24, 2009, 10:34:19 AM
Ding, ding, ding!  Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winnah! 

By TKO: Crow!!!  (http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee171/4-BarrelMike/Miscellaneous%20stuff/rotfl.gif)

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Stan Back on March 24, 2009, 10:45:17 AM
Wish I could remember the name of the football pre-game analyst I heard one morning who ended his windy dissertation with the words, "I think it all comes down to whoever puts the most points up on the scoreboard this afternoon will come away with the victory."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on March 24, 2009, 02:42:31 PM
 :-D Hicokry, dickery, dock.......Two mice ran up the clock.........the clock struck one........the other escaped with insurable injuries.....Crow  :-o :-o :-o


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 26, 2009, 07:57:59 AM
Two drunks walked in to a bar..........The third one saw it,and ducked.  J.B.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on March 26, 2009, 08:16:27 PM
Three retired men were sitting on a park bench, feeding the pigeons and talking about their past careers.

“I used to have the finest clothing store in the whole city," said one.  “People would come from miles around to purchase my clothing, or have a suit made.  But then the suburbs started to build up, and people started to shop at the malls.  And then, catastrophe - I went to visit my brother in Miami, and when I came back, I found that thieves had broken into my store, vandalized the entire building, and stole all of my merchandise.  Thank God I had insurance, or I wouldn’t have been able to retire”.

The second man nodded his head knowingly, and recounted his own career.

“I used to have the biggest Chevy dealership in the whole city," he said.  “People would come from miles around to purchase cars from me.  But then the suburbs started to build up, and people started to buy their cars from those fancy-shmansy dealerships along the freeway.  My business went into the toilet.  And then, catastrophe – a huge fire burned the entire building to the ground.  Thank God I had insurance, or I wouldn’t have been able to retire”.

The third man sat, staring at the ground, and said, “Gentlemen, I feel your pain”.

“I used to have the finest five-star restaurant in the whole city," he said.  “People, politicians, tourists, and folks of all stripes would come to my restaurant.  The newspaper gave my food rave revues.   But then, catastrophe – a huge flood came and destroyed the entire building.  Thank God I had insurance, or I wouldn’t have been able to retire”.

The two other men sat in silence pondering their friend’s misfortune, and then the first man asked, “So, how do you start a flood?”


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 27, 2009, 09:10:50 AM
In the middle of the city in a small park there were two statues, one male, one female.

One day God comes down and says to the statues, "The two of you have been facing each other for over 50 years. I am going to turn you human for 10 minutes so you can enjoy each other."

Five minutes later the two come out of the bushes holding hands with a huge smile on their faces.

God says, "It's only been five minutes. You still have five minutes left."

The male statue says to the female statue, "This time you hold the pigeon and I'll beat the hell out of it."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 30, 2009, 10:35:31 AM
A buddy called and asked if I would like to play in a golf tournament. I declined since I haven`t played in a while. He said.." It`s for handicapped and blind children" and I thought........"Hmmm...I might be able to win this...." :roll:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on March 30, 2009, 11:33:50 AM
why Parents Drink


A father passing by his son's bedroom was  astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to Dad.. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have
been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes, and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's
not only the passion.  Dad... she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be
very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has
opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll
be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science
will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.  Don't
worry Dad.  I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. 



Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know
your grandchildren.

Love, your son John


PS: Dad, none of the above is true.  I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a bad report
card.  It's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home ..




Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: aircap on March 30, 2009, 07:18:40 PM
I like it. (but then, I don't have kids)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on March 30, 2009, 07:22:45 PM
My mom once told me about a girl that went to school with her.  She was quite "friendly" with the guys, it turned out.  Her name was Virginia, but they called her Virgin for short - but not for long.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dr Goggles on March 30, 2009, 09:41:19 PM
Irish bloke is taking his new girlfriend home to meet the folks...."Oi just have ti warn ya that they's both deaf and dumb"....."foine foine" she says .

when they get there they walk into the lounge and there they both are sitting in front of the TV...Mum with a beer bottle jammed in her backside and the old fella with a match-stick propping one eye open and  his scrotum hanging out of his pyjamas...
"what's going on ?"says the girlfriend with a look of horror on her face

"ah , well , ya see it's all sign language" he says looking a little embarassed.." moom is sayin " get the beers in ya bum!" an' dada is sayin BOLLOCKS!, I'm watchin' da match!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 31, 2009, 08:53:11 AM
Noonan is driving down the street in a sweat because he is late for a meeting with a new sponsor and can't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

He looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 31, 2009, 01:43:02 PM
An obscenely rich Saudi prince became enamored with Land Speed Racing and decided to get himself a couple of hats, so he hired one of the best 200mph car builders, one of the best 200mph bike builders, and, because just going fast would not be enough, he hired a well-know LSR internet guy.

Because of the Prince’s love of country, he decided to set up his shop at home.  So when the builders had all the parts and tools collected, he sent his personal 747 for the three Americans.

As the 747 was beginning to descend toward final approach, the aircraft had a series of major failures.  Although the pilot was able to crash land in the desert, the three Americans were the only survivors.

Because the three were experienced in desert-like climates, they were able to intelligently prepare for their trek to civilization.

On the third day, the car builder, who was leading, tripped on something and fell on his face.  Getting up, he looked to see what he had tripped and saw a piece of brass sticking out of the sand.  Picking it up, he found that he held a brass lantern.

Being a well-educated man, the car builder knew what to do, so he pulled out his shirt tail and began polishing the lantern.

Whoooosh!  Out popped a genie, who looked at the three of them and said, “Normally I grant three wishes to the person who frees me from the lantern, but since there are three of you, I’ll grant each of you one wish.”  Looking at the car builder, he asked, “What is your wish?”

“I wish I was in a fast red convertible, driving down the Pacific Coast Highway at sunset.”  And, poof, he was gone.

The genie then looked at the bike builder, “What is your wish?"

“I wish I was back in my shop working on my latest and fastest bike.”  And, poof, he was gone.

The genie then turned to the LSR internet guy.  “What is your wish?’

With tears in his eyes, the internet guy said, “Gosh, I’m lonely.  I wish they were back.”

---

Note: the preceding is fiction.  Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is just a co-inky-dink.



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 01, 2009, 09:46:02 AM
Two 10 yr. old boys are walking in a suburban Chicago park when a huge rottweiler jumps on one of them and clamps onto his neck. The other boy quickley finds  a fallen branch and beats the dog to death. As luck would have it, a reporter from WGN news witnessed the whole scene. He walks over and says, "That was the bravest act I`ve ever seen....I`m going to do a news report about you. How`s this sound .........."Brave  Bears fan saves friends life" The kids says "Sounds good, But I don`t like the Bears" Reporter thinks a moment as replies " How`s this? Valient Vikings fan prevents certain death of pal.  Kid  ponders for a minute and says...".But, I`m a Packers fan"   That night the lead story @ 6 p.m. was " "Cherished family pet savagely bludgeoned by b@#$%^d cheese-head"  :cheers: J.B.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: aircap on April 01, 2009, 09:54:19 PM
My five year old is learning to read.
Yesterday, while reading a picture book about animals, she suddenly exclaimed, "Oh, look - a frickin' elephant!"
After taking a deep breath, I asked her, "Are you sure that's the way it pronounced?"
"Sure", she said, "it's a frickin' elephant - see?" she answered while handing me the book and pointing to the picture on the page.
And so it was, the caption underneath the picture read "African Elephant".


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 01, 2009, 10:55:29 PM
The lawyer is walking home after work, late as usual for dinner.

Determined not to get yelled at again, he takes a short cut through the cemetery.

In the dark, he doesn't see the freshly dug grave and falls in.

The grave is deep enough he can't climb out. He starts shouting for help. "Help! Help! I'm freezing and can't get out of here!"

The local drunk hears the shouting and wanders over.

The drunk looks down and says, "It's no wonder you're cold. You threw all your dirt off."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: McRat on April 01, 2009, 11:37:51 PM
Due to complaints by PETA, the State of California is banning the use of lab rats for testing purposes.   In the interim, they are going to use lawyers instead for the following reasons:

1)  They are more plentiful.
2)  The lab assistants won't get attached to them.
3)  They will do things not even a rat will do.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 02, 2009, 12:27:52 AM
When the composer Beethoven passed away, he was buried with great ceremony in the churchyard.

A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable, odd music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

The magistrate listened. He could not figure out the strange noises. "It may be haunted! We had better get Beethoven's music arranger!"

When the music arranger arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Very strange, it's being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the music arranger; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about!"

"It's just Beethoven . . . decomposing."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 02, 2009, 06:54:47 PM
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!  Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any cyanide!".

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.”


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 03, 2009, 08:41:13 AM
This bass player has to go to the welfare office to pick up his food stamps. Afterwards, he stops by his baby-momma house and sure enough........There she is having a roll in the hay with a drummer. He pulls out a gun and sticks it to his temple shouting "I`m going to kill myself" The girl jumps up as says " No, don`t do it Tyrone"!!! He replies " Shut up B@#ch...You`re next"!!!  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on April 12, 2009, 11:53:01 AM
Tough act to follow, but hey, I'll give it a whirl...

Bedroom golf... Here are the rules of the game.

1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the course.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners may reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning the bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

 



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 14, 2009, 08:37:58 AM
Mothers have" Mother`s Day "  Fathers have" Father`s Day"  what holiday is for single guys??--"Palm Sunday" :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 29, 2009, 07:38:06 AM
Coach of a high school girls cross-country team decides the ladies need to eat steroids to improve their performance.  After two weeks of daily intake, One of the team enters his office and says, "Coach....I`m starting to grow hair on my chest" Coach says," Really?....How far down does it go"?  She says,  "All the way to my nuts" :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: manta22 on April 29, 2009, 11:45:23 AM
Q: What is the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of African pygmies?

A: The African pygmies are a cunning bunch of runts.

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on April 30, 2009, 08:18:27 PM
You know, this getting old has its good, annd bad sides.  In the morning I have to jam my thumb up my a.. and yell snakes just to take a Plymouth!   And now I know I'm getting old,,,,cause I'm starting to like it!!!!!!!    Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: JimL on April 30, 2009, 09:02:56 PM
An old favorite:

...fellow dies and gets up to the pearly gates... and there are TWO doors in the ivory wall.  In front of one door is a line of bored looking men, standing idly in a line that reaches to the horizon.  In front of the other door is a nervous, figidity looking fellow.

Over each door, he sees a sign; above the first door the sign reads, "This door for all men who were dominated by women during their lives." 

Over the second door reads a sign, "This door for all men who were NOT dominated by women during their lives."

He asks of the nervous man, standing alone in front of the second door, "Buddy, why are all those men lined up at the first door, and you're the only one standing here?"

"I don't know," the guy answers, "my wife told me to stand right here!"



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on May 19, 2009, 09:29:40 AM
Two cannibals are sitting in the jungle, eating a boiled circus clown when one says to the other...." Does this taste funny to you ?" :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on May 21, 2009, 09:46:20 AM
Many,many years ago lived a woman who didn`t whine,complain or b#tch all day long. But that was many,many years ago and just that one day. :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Uncle Jimbo on May 21, 2009, 09:54:42 AM
 :-D    All my money is now tied up in CD's - It used to be tied up in albums.   :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on May 28, 2009, 10:09:22 AM
While trying to help SSS understand Jon Amo's ab (abdominal) workout routine I found an over 50 workout that I thought was appropriate for LSR....

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb  potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from  your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a  full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can  hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb  potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and  hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level)     
After you feel confident at that level,  put a potato in each bag.  :-D
 :cheers:



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 28, 2009, 10:18:41 AM
I don't know, Stainless -- it doesn't sound right to me.  Aren't 5 and 10-pound potato bags usually made of plastic -- and the 50 and 100-pounders out of gunnysack material?  Sounds to me like there'd be an extra-big jump in weight someplace there.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: McRat on May 28, 2009, 11:17:45 AM
That sounds like a great exercise program.    :-)

I think I should switch to that instead of my "12oz Curls" routine ...








NAH!!!!   :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on May 28, 2009, 01:44:44 PM
That sounds like a great exercise program.    :-)

I think I should switch to that instead of my "12oz Curls" routine ...

NAH!!!!   :cheers:

Actually the two routines could work together.... I usually do 12 oz curls... decreasing weights... multiple repetitions.... but then I discovered the potato thing.....  Don't worry SSS, if you can't do the 50# for a full minute right away.... work yourself up to it... the last thing you need is to get injured exercising this close to racing


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 29, 2009, 09:12:10 AM
I got these from my 90-year old aunt just yesterday:

Arbitrator:  A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

Avoidable:  What a bullfighter tries to do

Bernadette:  The act of torching the mortgage

Control:  A short ugly inmate

Counterfeiters:  Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse:  What a British barber does for a living

Eyedropper:  A clumsy opthalmologist

Heroes:  What a guy in a small boat does

Leftbank:  What the robber did when his bag was full of money

The other ten will sooner or later be posted.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 04, 2009, 07:50:27 AM
Deaf guy go to the store to buy condoms. Not knowing how to "sign" for what he wants, He exposes himself and puts $10 onthe counter. Clerk looks at him and shakes his head. Deaf guy thinks " Hmmm.... Must be some high priced condoms" and places  $20 next the the first bill. Clerk lays his manhood on the counter ,picks up both bills on walks away. Deaf guy goes off  and starts "signing" all sorts of vulgar stuff at the clerk. the clerk says...." If you can`t afford to lose, Don`t bet"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on June 04, 2009, 08:32:13 PM
Two French paratroopers were sent to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar.

 "Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'ow' av  you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I  'av  'ad  ze most terrible day! Terrible!!                                                                                                                                                               &n bsp;    At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg  'airy  sergeant.

'E dragged me out of ze bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened ! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle
platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e  said  "Jurmp "

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not.  I told  'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five
feet.  Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen  'e  made me climb up zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze
ground, and  'e  said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not.  I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten
feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform  wun' undred feet above ze
parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said
 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre  Bleu!  mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp ?"

"A leetle beet, rite at ze beginning."
 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on June 04, 2009, 08:56:59 PM
Well, speaking of condoms . . .

A man from Pennsylvania is coming back from his first trip to Bonneville.  He stops in Iowa City, Iowa to get gas, and decides to check out the farmers market downtown. 

He comes across a farmer selling sweet corn (in season, of course), and inquires with the grower about his produce.

"Best in the Midwest", said the confident farmer, obviously proud of his product.  "Here, try an ear", he said, and shucked it raw, right there in front of him.

The wary Pennsylvanian said, "What, raw sweet corn?"

"Picked just hours ago - you'll never taste anything better".

Sure enough, the raw sweet corn tasted heavenly.  "I've got to take some of this home", said the Pennsylvanian to the farmer.  "How many ears do you have?", he asked.

"I've got twelve dozen left", said the farmer.  He continued, "If I can get all of this sold before two o'clock, I can still get down to St. Louis in time for the Cardinals game against the Cubs.  Why don't you make me an offer?"

The two haggled over price for a few minutes, and finally agreed upon $3.00 a dozen for the whole lot.

The Pennsylvanian handed the farmer $36.00, and the farmer, noticing the customer's license plates, helped him load the corn into his car.  But before they parted company, the farmer added, "You're going to want to shuck that corn and wrap it, or it won't keep until you get home".

The Pennsylvanian asked, "What method would you recommend?"

"Get yourself some unlubricated condoms, shuck the corn, put the ear in the condom, and tie it off.  It'll keep for weeks that way", said the farmer.

The Pennsylvanian and the farmer parted company, the farmer heading to St. Louis to see the Red Birds clobber the Cubs, and the Pennsylvanian driving on to Davenport, where he was planning on spending the night.  Before he got to his hotel, he stopped at the Walgreen's, and went back to talk to the Pharmacist.

"I need a gross of unlubricated condoms, sir!", said the Pennsylvanian.

Somewhat surprised by the request, the Pharmacist was nevertheless able to fill the order, and the Pennsylvanian left just as the store was closing.

He immediately went to his room at the Red Roof Inn, and started shucking corn, carefully wrapping each ear as the farmer had described. 

But when he came to the last ear, he realized that the Pharmacist had shorted him one condom!  He recounted the ears, and sure enough, 144 ears, 143 condoms.

The next morning, the Pennsylvanian went back to the Walgreen's, approached the Pharmacist and said, in a not-too-polite tone, "I came in last night to buy twelve dozen condoms, and you only gave me 143!"

The Pharmacist, embarrassed by his oversight, said, "Sir, I'm so sorry I ruined your stay in Davenport!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 05, 2009, 10:52:40 PM
Speaking of the " Cubs".....The bride and I went to the local minor league park last night for a game. Guy behind us says to his buddy...".Know what "Cubs" stands for?"...." C ompletely U seless B y S eptember. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on June 18, 2009, 11:21:25 AM
Just received via email from an local Bonneville record holder:

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
 
The waitress asks them for their orders.
 
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

She turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
 
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 
A short time later the waitress returns with the order, "That will be $9.40  please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
 
The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
 
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
 
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
 
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
 
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,"  says the man.
 
"Same," says the ostrich.
 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
 
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
 
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
 
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My  first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
 
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll  always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
 
"That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
 
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
 
The man  sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 26, 2009, 09:16:02 AM
Six yr. old kid runs into his school room and yells -'Ms. Davis ,There`s a cat on the play ground and I think he`s dead"! Teacher asks why he thinks the cat is dead. Kid says- " I p#ss%d in his ear and he didn`t move" Teacher says ' You did WHAT"???!!! Kid says " You know,...you put your lips by their ear and go "Pssst"  :wink:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: DallasV on June 26, 2009, 11:51:21 AM
These are 2 poems of the search for ones soul mate. One written by a woman one written by a man. Very touching, the las one brings a tear to my eye.


WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
 I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
 One who's handsome, smart and strong.
 One who loves to listen long,
 One who thinks before he speaks,
 One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
 I pray he's gainfully employed,
 When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
 Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
 Massages my back and begs to do more.
 Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
 Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
 I pray that this man will love me to no end,
 And always be my very best friend.
 
 
 MAN'S POEM

 I pray for a wealthy deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
 who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
 doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s#it.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on June 26, 2009, 01:26:07 PM
With all due respects, I'd prefer one with a liquor store and a chrome shop.

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 26, 2009, 01:36:42 PM
With all due respects, I'd prefer one with a liquor store and a chrome shop.

Mike
And a Ferrari dealership :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on June 27, 2009, 08:14:50 PM
The best woman on earth is a fat, tatooed woman!   That way you get heat in the winter, shade in the summer, and moveing pictures all year long!        Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on June 28, 2009, 01:47:48 PM
 :mrgreen: By the way, I just heard the latest on what is going to happen with Michal Jackson's body!  The family is going to have him cremated, and they will re-cycle all the plastic from his numerouse plastic surgeries.  They will be using it to make "Leggo's" type blocks.    This way the Kids will finaly get a chance to play with Him, instead of vica versa!    Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: aircap on June 28, 2009, 09:11:33 PM
Not funny.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on June 28, 2009, 09:12:55 PM
Now that I look at it ,,,your right.  I copied it from a biker friend,  I appolgise!     Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: John Noonan on June 29, 2009, 10:42:47 AM
Not funny.

I find it humorous however not tactful, whoever said I was.. :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on June 29, 2009, 06:14:13 PM
 :-D  John, I've never been known for tactfulness, but I really don't want to come off as insensative either.  I just don't like to give bad impression to anybody I haven't even meet yet!     Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: John Noonan on June 29, 2009, 08:41:09 PM
Landracing.com > Humor -- stories, links, etc --
may not be right for kids to read!
> THE place for (what you think is) funny stuff. >

Crow,

Joke em if they can't take a ....

 :cheers:




Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on June 30, 2009, 12:17:34 PM
Love ya John!  BCNU at the Salt Flats!    Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: landsendlynda on June 30, 2009, 12:24:43 PM
HA! Michael Jackson fan or not...that was funny!!   :-D  :-D  :cheers:

Lynda


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: salt27 on June 30, 2009, 12:40:36 PM
It made me smile.  :-D

Don


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on June 30, 2009, 03:14:51 PM
I feel a little better now!  Thanks!  (Now THATS funny!)   Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 01, 2009, 09:06:39 AM
One for the Crow.....How do you know it`s bed time @ Michael Jackson`s house?....The big hand is on the little hand :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: sabat on July 01, 2009, 09:27:56 AM
Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Fish.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 01, 2009, 09:31:26 AM
 :? roses are red, violets are blue, I like peanut butter,  can you swim?    Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on July 01, 2009, 07:42:59 PM
Name two useless things with one glove . . .

The Los Angeles Dodgers . . .

And Michael Jackson.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 02, 2009, 07:54:00 AM
I see that to honor the memory of Michael Jackson, K-Mart is having a sale.........Boys pants 1/2 off.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 02, 2009, 08:56:29 AM
Well, fine -- if that's the way you want to be -- here's a saying I learned from my mother:

"Thirty days hath September,

April, May, and no wonder.

All the rest eat peanut butter

Except Grandma -- she drives a Buick."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 02, 2009, 09:00:50 AM
And remember what Abe Lincoln said,,,,, "If at first you don't suceed,  Suck. suck, until you do suck seed!"     (I dion't think he really said that, do you?)      Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 02, 2009, 12:39:50 PM
And remember what Abe Lincoln said,,,,, "If at first you don't suceed,  Suck. suck, until you do suck seed!"     (I dion't think he really said that, do you?)      Crow
The prefix of "Success" is "Sucks"?

 :?

Now that I think about it, I guess it is!

 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 02, 2009, 01:10:34 PM
Gravity is a myth.  In the real world, the earth sucks, that's all.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 02, 2009, 05:47:09 PM
 :?  If you think you have "it" all together,  whats that all around "it"?    Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 02, 2009, 07:59:38 PM
O.K. Slim....."Piggly wiggly/ bird bath pie/fish lips,cat hips/ poke you in the eye"(  a shiny quarter to any one who knows the author of that gem) :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on July 02, 2009, 10:14:57 PM
B. Kliban


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 03, 2009, 10:23:03 AM
 :? Abe Lincoln???    Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 03, 2009, 10:41:53 PM
B. Kliban
D#$@.....How soon you want the quarter??


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 04, 2009, 07:31:56 AM
Jerry, I was gonna say Kliban, too.  Send me the loose change, okay?  I was late 'cause I was trying to visualize some other Kliban works -- like the cat:

"Cat:  H@ll of a nice animal,frequently mistaken for a meatloaf."

That was his, too, right?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on July 04, 2009, 12:09:32 PM
Yep

(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_CMCW48QGUb8/R2afd0Nzj7I/AAAAAAAAATI/D3-bwPJgKW0/s400/meatloaf.gif)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on July 04, 2009, 03:45:03 PM
Keep the quarter, it's worth that much for the memories of thumbing through Playboy in my youth, when I wasn't reading Road & Track for Henry Manny pieces.  Regards . . .


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on July 05, 2009, 01:59:23 PM
That's Henry N Manney III to you sir!

The April fools edition of Road & Track always contained "road tests" by Henry of interesting vehicles.

1962: San Francisco Cable Car
1963: London Bus
1964: Morris Major-Mini-Minor
1965: None
1966: Gresley A3 Pacific Locomotive
1967: Sopwith Camel F.1
1968: Electrophant
1969: Greyhound Bus
1970: Mercedes Benz GT (Garbage Truck)
1971: (January) Jaguar XK-EE 12
1972: Goodyear Blimp
1973: Hop Rod Pogo Stick (headroom and ground clearance both listed as "variable").
1974: Maserati MT-3 Bicycle
1975: Cal Poly Rose Parade Float
1976: None
1977: Arrow JP 770 DW Roller Coaster Car
1978: Quantu-Motion Motorboard (motorized skateboard)
1979: Soarmaster C5A Commuter Special (motorized hang glider)
1980: Willis Flyer (laydown go-cart)
1981: Budweiser Clydesdale 8-Horse Hitch
1982: Route 66 "road" test
1983: Sedan Chair
1984: Kenworth W900 Aerodyne
1985: KSC 554,756 Hardtop (Space shuttle hauler)
1986: Pontiac 0-77 Excitement Hot Air Balloon
1987: Six Italian Urban Electrics (Bumper cars)
1988: Queen Elizabeth 2 versus Concorde
1989: None
1990: North American Mustang P-51D
1991: Hover Dynamics RX2000 (Hovercar)
1992: Runyan Racing 20DT (Dog sled)
1993: JPL Rocky IV Microrover (Martian surface rover)
1994: Three Great Subterrainean Transport Systems (London, Paris, and Tokyo Subways)
1995: America 3 (America's Cup Yacht)
1996: Indiana Jones Adventure Troop Transport Ride
1997: 1958 Porsche Junior (Tractor)

And Henry drove the Cyclops at Le Mans.
Well . . . Stan Mott created a cartoon that took on a life of its own with Henry driving.
This will help.
http://web.archive.org/web/20040814164956/www.cyclops.force9.co.uk/frames/cyclops.html (http://web.archive.org/web/20040814164956/www.cyclops.force9.co.uk/frames/cyclops.html)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 05, 2009, 03:27:28 PM

NELSON MANDELA


Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a  clip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man  starts to yell louder,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck ofbrake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the littleChinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hehears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong  name! Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
-
-
-
-   
-
-
-
-   
-
-
   'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

 
 
 



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 06, 2009, 10:35:43 PM
A chicken and a horse were out playing together one day when the horse got stuck in a large mud bog.  The horse yelled to the chicken to do something to save his life.  The chicken ran back to the farm but the farmer had driven the only tractor to town.  Then the chicken saw the farmers new shiney Harley in the barn.  The chicken tied a rope to the back of the bike and rode it to the field where the horse was slowely sinking in the bog.  The chicken threw the rope to the horse and told him to hang on.  The horse grabbed the rope and the chicken slowely pulled the horse out of the bog with the Harley.  Because the chicken had saved the horse they became the best of friends.  The chicken rode the Harley back to the barn and parked it and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned from town.    About a week later the horse and chicken were again out playing and the chicken fell into another bog.   He yelled to his friend the horse to save him.   The horse straddled the bog and told the chicken to grab his hangey downy thingy.  The chicken got a good hold on the horses kanutin valve ( hangey down thingy) and the horse pulled the chicken out of the bog.  Again they were the best of friends for life.     The moral to this story is.......You don't have to be hung like a horse to pick up chicks, if you have a Harley..................Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 08, 2009, 09:38:56 AM
It was holoween nite and a little kid was in his costume standing on a street corner.  A little old lady saw him and said, "Oh hon, your so cute in your costume, what are you supposed to be?"  The little boy looked up at her and said, "lady, I'm a pirate!"  The little old lady said, " Well, if your a pirate, where are your buccaneers?  The little boy replied, "Under my buckin hat lady, where do you think they are!" :-o


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 08, 2009, 01:31:31 PM
Guy goes to the optomitrist for an eye exam. Doc. says " You need to quit masturbating all the time" Guy says "That`s not an old wives tale, It really does effect vision"?? Dr. says............." Your eyes are fine, but it upsets the old women in the waiting room"  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dr Goggles on July 08, 2009, 03:24:03 PM
................man sitting in Doctor's surgery, Doc says, " I know you won't like what I'm going to say but you are going to have to stop masturbating"...the man says ...." but why?"..........



doc says..." so I can examine you"..... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 08, 2009, 05:09:41 PM
Well, while we're on THIS subject . . .

Attributed to the great Gene Tracy -

A father goes into his son's bedroom and catches him in the act of pleasuring himself.

The father says, "Son, you've got to stop doing that or you'll go blind".

The kid says, "Can I just keep going until I need glasses?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 09, 2009, 10:14:37 AM
 :-o For some reason I had a "hard" time reading that last post!    Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 09, 2009, 01:36:41 PM
GENE TRACY?????......." I`ve been busier than a pair of jumper cables at a (fill in the blank)` funeral" :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 09, 2009, 07:36:34 PM
:-o For some reason I had a "hard" time reading that last post!    Crow

Well, I had a detached retina myself a few years back -

Makes it tough to see to shave your palms . . .


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 10, 2009, 11:46:54 AM
If you don`t believe that the dog is man`s best friend, try this test.....Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car and drive around for an hour. Open the trunk and see which one is happy to see you :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 14, 2009, 09:12:46 AM
Received a bill from from a supplier and they offer a  15% discount for prompt payment. Not being good at math, I asked my office girl "Sarah" for help. "If I gave you $ 25,000, minus 15%, How much would you take off'? I asked. "Everything,but my earrings" She replied  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 14, 2009, 02:47:45 PM
This just in, from my sister:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .




(scroll down)

 




'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

 



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 16, 2009, 05:10:15 PM
I found out why Smokey the Bear and missus Smoley never had any little Smokies!   Every time she would get hot,,,he'd throw a shovle full of dirt on her!   Dumb bear!     Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 21, 2009, 09:33:16 AM
Kid walks up to his grandfather and says" Make a noise like a frog"  Grandpa says "For what"? Kid says..........." Because mom told dad as soon as you croak we`ll clean out your bank account and go to Disneyland"  ( no doubt a little truth to that one) :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on July 22, 2009, 12:12:23 PM
Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Rooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged.
 
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my azz.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes Baker


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 24, 2009, 07:55:34 AM
Guy goes to the barber shop and brings his 5 yr. old daughter with him. The girl sits on the floor next to the chair ,eating a snack cake. Barber says " You`re going to get hair on your Twinkie" Girls says ..." Yeah, And boobies too"!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 11, 2009, 07:15:04 PM
New for the avid campers and BarBQ-ers, perfect for your stay at the bend in the road:

(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee171/4-BarrelMike/Miscellaneous%20stuff/BBQtools.jpg)

Mike



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on August 12, 2009, 04:19:05 PM
 :-D :-D :-D :-D  Now that I goota have!!!!!!!!!    Thanks,     Crow.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on August 17, 2009, 11:05:15 AM
Know the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment. Swine flu requires oinkment. ( should`ve saved that one for Friday) :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Rchop on August 17, 2009, 04:56:48 PM
I was in a pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I just timed my farts along with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint of beer, looked around the pub and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then, suddenly, I remembered that I was listening to my iPod.  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dr Goggles on August 18, 2009, 01:34:57 AM
GENE TRACY?????......." I`ve been busier than a pair of jumper cables at a (fill in the blank)` funeral" :cheers:

Busy? busier than a foster kid on fathers day!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on August 18, 2009, 10:29:24 AM
A man in Denver answered an ad in the paper for a gynocoligist's assistant.  When he went to the Doctprs office for the interview the Dr. told him the job paid $500.00 a month.  The man asked the Dr. what his duties would be.   The Dr. explained,,," First you will help the women remove all their clothes,  then you will wash their private parts , apply shavein cream to them,  shave them and then rub oil on the parts to sooth the razor burn.  When this is all done you send them into me for their exam.  But in order to get this job you have to go to Billings, Montanna.  The man asked, "Billings is 550 miles away from Denver, what will I be doing there?   The Doctor said, " Thats where the end of the line is to interview for the job.          Crow.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: DallasV on August 18, 2009, 10:46:52 AM
25 things you may find interesting things when you have children.

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Childs voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan..

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old child can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old child.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably do NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.


25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on August 18, 2009, 08:47:10 PM
GENE TRACY?????......." I`ve been busier than a pair of jumper cables at a (fill in the blank)` funeral" :cheers:

Busy? busier than a foster kid on fathers day!

Spread thinner than a quart of cheap paint.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: pookie on August 18, 2009, 10:01:36 PM
CROW.... Now that joke is really funny..... I read it 10min ago and I am still laughing..... GOOD ONE!!!!!!!           mike R.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on August 19, 2009, 09:42:14 AM
 :-D Just trying to keep the smiles coming!     Crow.    {I got a million of 'em.)          Crow.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on August 28, 2009, 09:51:00 AM
Nancy decided to buy Jon a new pet. She spots a parrot with the most remarkable plumage this side of Liberace and inquires as to price. Pet store owner tells her she should make another choice ,as the bird was raised in a brothel and has a habit of being some what "colorful" .Nancy, Thinking this will be funnier than a rubber crutch in a polio ward, Buys the bird. All the way home the bird squawks "New madam, New madam" She takes him in the house and he yells " New house, New madam"  Two ladies from church stop by and he yells, " New house, new madam, new girls" Jon  comes home from a hard day of what ever it is that he does, and the bird says..." Hey Slim...Long time, No see" :cheers:


Title: Bottle of Wine
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 31, 2009, 01:50:57 PM
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women  shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
 


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever & evil.

Don't mess with them.    :cheers:


Title: Higher Education in the Modern Age
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 03, 2009, 02:29:38 PM
A college Creative Writing class was told that they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The instructions were that the story had to contain the following three themes:
1.  Religion
2.  Sexuality
3.  Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class:

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on September 14, 2009, 07:41:10 AM
Somehow I got separated from my grandson at a large shopping mall.
So he approached a uniformed policeman and said,
 "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he like?"

Trey hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Black Russians made with good Vodka and women with big tits."

I love that kid...


Title: Human Geography
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 28, 2009, 12:02:02 PM
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa.
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
   
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain.
With a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel.
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada.
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....An adventurous
spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran. 
Ruled by nuts



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on September 28, 2009, 06:29:10 PM
Mike, I'm dying here. :-D 

Brilliant. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 28, 2009, 06:57:58 PM
I got it from Pete Richardson, shudda put that in the joke.   :roll:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 04, 2009, 01:55:45 PM
The Poor Old Cow!

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go to the farmhouse and explain what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me.

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 05, 2009, 07:22:51 AM
Did you know that when a mountain climber dies on Mt. Everest, the body is left there for eternity? After a brief service the other climbers join hands and sing......................." Freeze a jolly good fellow"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on October 07, 2009, 09:42:18 AM
sorry, it's not Friday...  :roll:

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. 
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 07, 2009, 11:22:23 AM
Exercise for people over 40

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side.
 
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
 
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.  Then try 50-lb. potato sacks.
 
Then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb.. potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.   (I'm at this level.)
 
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

 :mrgreen: Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on October 07, 2009, 11:44:38 AM
The nun runs in to the Mother Superior complaining about the construction workers language.

The Mother Superior says it's ok if they call a spade a spade.

The nun says they didn't. They called it a f***ing shovel.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 07, 2009, 02:23:45 PM
Reminds me of the nun who tells Mother Superior that she picked up a case of syphilis on her trip to town. Mother says  " Thank heaven, I`m tired of 7-up" :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on October 16, 2009, 06:32:38 PM
sorry, it's not Friday...  :roll:

That's okay - it's not Lent, either.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 17, 2009, 10:56:03 AM
Here is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
         
   •      If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
   •      If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
   •      If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
   •      If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
   •      If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
   •      If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
   •      If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and
          they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1      spending it at yard sales, or     
2      going to ball games, or     
3      spending it on prostitutes, or     
4      beer, or
5      tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

Conclusion:
 
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on October 17, 2009, 12:01:45 PM
Scads of Henni Youngman jokes:

Airline Jokes

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Doctor Jokes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Drunk Jokes

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Golf Jokes

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Hollywood Jokes

Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back "How about $20,000?" I said "I'll pay it!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

Homeless Guys Jokes

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Horse Race Jokes

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

THERE ARE A BUNCH MORE IF YOU ASK NICELY....


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: landsendlynda on October 17, 2009, 12:09:57 PM
Nicely, would you ask fasthonda for more jokes please?  :-D

Lynda


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on October 17, 2009, 12:20:38 PM
Still sufferin' from too much Birthday hilarity, huh, LYL?  Okay, here:

Horse Race Jokes

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Hotel Jokes

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Insults

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Introductions

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop The Music!!"

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Italian Jokes

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

Jewish Jokes

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

2 Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

Job Jokes

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: manta22 on October 18, 2009, 11:23:40 AM
Henny Youngman lives!

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on October 18, 2009, 03:13:05 PM
The newly-ordained young priest was soon to offer his first mass - but was quite nervous about the deal.  An older, more experienced cleric took young Father Tommy aside and suggested that if he were to take a sip of wine not long before the ceremony began he might be more relaxed.

Well, Fr. Tommy followed the advice -- too much, in fact.  He was quite a few sheets to the wind when he was at the altar, but nevertheless managed to get through the entire ordeal.  Or so he thought.

The main pastor of the parish took Tommy aside after all was done - to counsel him.  He said "Father, we understand that you were nervous and that you made a few slips of the tongue.  It wasn't a big deal when you mis-identified those souls that were remembered in special masses for the next week.  We didn't object when you got the name of the cemetary wrong when you were telling the flock of the funerals scheduled for the next few days.  After all, I knew you had had that drink of sacred wine and your tongue might be a bit loose.  But -- we just have to draw the line someplace, and have to ask you to be more careful in the future.  Next weekend there will not be, as you so stated, a peter pull at St. Taffy's Church!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on October 18, 2009, 04:20:51 PM
This just in from my sister, a minister in the United Church of Christ:

"How to get to Heaven from Scotland"

I was testing the children in my Glasgow Sunday School class to see if the understood the concept of getting into heaven.  I asked them "If I sold my house, had a big jumble sale, and then gave all of my money to the church - would that get me into heaven?

"NO", the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn and tended the garden and kept everything tide - would that get me into Heaven?"

Again - the answer was a resounding "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband -- would that et me into Heaven?"

Once more they shouted "NO!"

I continued -- "well, then -- how can I get into Heaven?"

A si year old boy in the back of the room shouted "Foirst yuv got tae be fuklin' deid."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on October 18, 2009, 04:50:52 PM
Nifty comebacks when dis-agreeing with Little League Umpires (or tech inspectors, for that matter).

Remember, Practice Makes Perfect, but "Don't Try This At Home!"


The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my
husband I'd give you poison,"and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink
it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said
Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure.- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner...(about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -
Ernest Hemingway... (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend...if you have one." George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is
one." - Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E.
Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar
Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather
than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dr Goggles on October 18, 2009, 05:07:40 PM
Quote
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

he was the Prime Minister of Australia from 'bout 90 to 96...he said that in Parlianment to the leader of the Opposition John Hewson , the actual quote was "look at you, you're just a shiver...." after an extended dressing down where Hewson just sat there dumbfounded while Keating just dismantled him with the rest of his government in hysterics behind him.... . Once , asked by Hewson why he wouldn't call an early election Keating responded ..."because I want to do you slowly" to screams of laughter....

he was very very quick, and since has had a successful musical written about him, which is of course hilarious....none of our conservative leaders have quite have that "style".....he was pilloried for putting his arm around the Queen , a terrible breach of regal custom... , personally I think he planned it..


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 31, 2009, 09:16:51 AM
Two guys are sitting in a bar and one says to the other....." Did you know lions have sex up to 15 times a day"? The other says " Well, DODGE.....I just joined the Rotary Club" :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on November 02, 2009, 03:03:13 PM
Best darn holloween Joke I've seen this year.....

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.  The Mrs.. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.  He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
 
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. 

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.  She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. 

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished  , naturally, since he was her husband.  Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.     

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.     

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.  She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. 

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." 

"Did you dance much ?" 

"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on November 04, 2009, 07:30:00 PM
Another from Pete Richardson:

This is such a beautiful story of a bagpiper who was late for a funeral.

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the   Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 05, 2009, 10:21:07 AM
Why do cows wear bells ?......Because their horns don`t work.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on November 10, 2009, 08:30:23 PM
The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints.

The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a
ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
 
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
story window 100 yards away.
 
KABOOM!
 
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
 
KA-BLOOEY!
 
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
 
BULLS-EYE!
 
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
 
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.
 
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
 
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
 
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"
 
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
 
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
pauses, and then tearfully says,
 
 
"I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 12, 2009, 10:34:34 AM
Guy walks in to a bar grinning from ear to ear and orders a beer. Bartender asks what he`s so happy about and the guy says...." Well,   I live by the railroad tracks, And on my way here I found a beautiful blonde tied to the rails , just like in the movies. I cut the rope off and took her home and we had sex of every type you could imagine. On the counter, In the hall, standing, sitting ,kneeling, in the tub.......everywhere" Bartender asks "Was she pretty"? Guy says- " Don`t know......Didn`t find her head" :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on November 12, 2009, 10:56:11 AM
"Joke"  :-P like that, Floyd, oughta get your comp license reduced at least two categories  :roll:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Stan Back on November 12, 2009, 11:15:10 AM
"Don`t know......Didn`t find her head"

Then how'd he know she was a blonde?

Oh, well, never mind.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on November 12, 2009, 11:18:04 AM
Ummm... Stan.... ummm.... how can I say this delicately?   Ummm... if you have to ask....   :roll:  ummmm


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on November 12, 2009, 10:14:58 PM
It's Friday in England already, Right?

 A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor
> comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you
> probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway..
> You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.....
> something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is,
> your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find
> it.'
>
> The man groans, but the doctor goes on,  'We have the technology now 
> to build you a new
> willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But
> the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
>
> The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to
> decide how many inches you want.. But it's something you'd better
> discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and
> you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if
> you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five
> incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that
> she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
>
> The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next
> day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
>
> 'I have,' says the man.
>
> 'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
>
> 'Yes, she has,' says the man.
>
> 'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
>
> 'We're getting granite countertops.'


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on November 13, 2009, 10:24:48 AM
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out-of-townacquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.

The gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of Alabama .

 When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested,

"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said this fine example of Southern womanhood, "Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?" Our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.

When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

Oh my, goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did."

Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said with a small smile. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U- turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman woke up first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in  bed and with remorse thought, "What the heck have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said, "Why, the same thing I always tell them: You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
 





Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 13, 2009, 11:42:45 AM
Well, I see the necrophelia joke went over big.................How about this one.   Two Irish women are digging potatoes when one says to the other...."This spud reminds me of my late husbands testicles"  Other lady says " Really.....They were THAT big"? First gal says " No...This dirty" :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on November 14, 2009, 04:02:37 PM
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
 
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
 
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
 
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
 
ABBOTT: Mac?
 
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
 
ABBOTT: Your computer?
 
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
 
ABBOTT: Mac?
 
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
 
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
 
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
 
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
 
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
 
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
 
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
 
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
 
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
 
ABBOTT: Office.
 
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
 
ABBOTT: I just did.
 
COSTELLO: You just did what?
 
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
 
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
 
ABBOTT: Yes.
 
COSTELLO: For my office?
 
ABBOTT: Yes.
 
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
 
ABBOTT: Office.
 
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
 
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
 
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
 
ABBOTT: Word.
 
COSTELLO: What word?
 
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
 
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
 
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
 
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
 
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
 
ABBOTT: Money.
 
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
 
ABBOTT: Money.
 
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
 
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
 
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
 
ABBOTT: Money.
 
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
 
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
 
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
 
ABBOTT: One copy.
 
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
 
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
 
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
 
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
 
(A few days later)
 
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
 
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
 
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on November 17, 2009, 12:15:14 PM
Another from Pete Richardson:

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming or universal health care?" and he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know Subaru?"

 :mrgreen:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 18, 2009, 11:15:29 AM

>   Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.

> 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The  Stewardess looks at him and  says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion  allowed per  passenger.

>  2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to  the other and says, 'Dam!'

>  3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it  sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it,  too.

> 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'  The  other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm  positive.'

>  5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain  during a root  canal? His goal: transcend dental  medication.

>   6. A group of chess  enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the  manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.   
But why they  asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts  boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up  for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amahl.  The other goes to a family in  Spain; they name him Juan. Years later,  Juan sends a picture of  himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the  picture, she tells her husband she wished she also had a picture  of Amahl. 
 her husband responds,  'They're twins! If you've seen Juan,  you've seen Amahl.'

> 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival  florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the  good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged  the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade'  them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying  he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

> 9.  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which  produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate  very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he  suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile  mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And, finally, there was the person  who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one  of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

................30...............

I got these from a friend in Mensa.  Take 'em for what they're worth to you.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Glen on November 18, 2009, 11:25:48 AM
Sure will be glad when racing season starts, these jokes are not helping with LSR fever.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: landsendlynda on November 18, 2009, 11:29:32 AM
Amen!! Glen   :roll:

Lynda


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on November 18, 2009, 11:31:24 AM
Mensa?  ANd that's the BEST they've got?

More like Densa (an actual group that pans Mensa) don't you think?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: McRat on November 18, 2009, 11:55:33 AM
Hmmm...  That's an interesting thought.  Start a Densa' Chapter!  The hats will have propellers on the top and say Bubba Gump Shrimp Co...


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on November 18, 2009, 12:37:21 PM
Propellers with solar cells so at least some teeny, tiny part of our lives is green.  BTW for those who've been sniffing the Berryman's a llittle too long, here's a link

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Densa


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 18, 2009, 01:17:20 PM
Jim, who said that's the best they've got?  Sorta jumping to a conclusion, aren't you?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 18, 2009, 02:00:39 PM
I read once that Mahatma Gandhi was in awful shape physically. All those years of bare-foot walking, bad diet and lack of dental care left him a................."Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis" :wink:(was it Ambrose Bierce that defined a pun as the lowest form of humor,especially if you didn`t say it first)?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on November 18, 2009, 02:25:04 PM
the smartest 2% of the population (the criteria for membership eligibility for Mensa)

That's one out of fifty people.  Not so special, really.  Though I do have my Mensa membership card in my wallet.  What's it good for?  Telling people you have it.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 18, 2009, 03:18:12 PM
Hmmm...  That's an interesting thought.  Start a Densa' Chapter!  The hats will have propellers on the top and say Bubba Gump Shrimp Co...
Pat, Try not to mention propellers....might conjure up an evil spirit. J.B.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on November 18, 2009, 03:41:10 PM
MENSA card in your wallet, huh?  Sorta like a CB license (you do have a license to use your CB don't you?).  You send the FCC $4 and ALL they do is send you back is a "license" that basically says, "Thank you for your $4."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: McRat on November 18, 2009, 03:44:53 PM
I wanted to join Mensa so I called them.  When I told them I race pickup trucks, the line went dead.  I guess they didn't pay their phone bill?   :?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on November 18, 2009, 03:47:48 PM
If you raced a vehicle powered by quantum foam, you'd be in.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 18, 2009, 04:10:33 PM
If you've got to ask "Why join Mensa" -- you probably don't qualify.  All it takes is a score in the top two percentile of any of the many standardised intelligence tests -- whether the SAT or ACT or the test that Mensa has put together, or the GRE or the military's IQ test, or -- if you've got another test that isn't listed among the ones they recognise -- ask them and they'll check to see if it meets their standards.  That's all it takes.  If you pass and are accepted -- the real test is next, 'cause you're allowed to pay yearly dues to have that card to carry in your wallet.  It proves that you can score in the top two percent.  If you "pass" this second test -- you don't pay the money, secure in the knowledge that you don't need to buy that card.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: McRat on November 18, 2009, 04:21:22 PM
Well if more of you guys would pay your dues, their phone would still be working, and I could join!   :x


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on November 18, 2009, 06:26:13 PM
I have the card, based on my US Navy GCT/ARI in 1968.  Only paid dues once.  It's tattered, but I was once out at a landslide site with a group of engineers, one of whom asked how it happened.  I gave my take (gravity, which they didn't like, and probably a broken water line on the top of the bluff--true!), and she said, "You're probably a Mensa member,"  in response to which I brought out my card and handed it to her.  Ruined my career, them not wanting me to be openly perceived as smarter than anyone else.  The genius part was finding the money to clear this road from downtown to the airport.  One call to the County Road Administration Board in the state capitol, a roll of film, maps, and a white paper, sent it with the county engineer to a meeting with the CRAB board with my estimate of $243,000 to clean the mess, and I was told, three months later, after finding another $269K for a river study, my position was no longer needed.  Didn't like the job anyway.



 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 18, 2009, 09:36:34 PM
Speaking of  "cards", at the last presidential election the nice girl at the poll asked me for I.D. w/ picture. I handed her my concealed hand gun permit. Could have cut the tension with a knife. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on November 18, 2009, 09:43:24 PM
Speaking of  "cards", at the last presidential election the nice girl at the poll asked me for I.D. w/ picture. I handed her my conceiled hand gun permit. Could have cut the tension with a knife. :cheers:

If you have time to kill, present you concealed carry permit and boarding pass to the TSA the next time you are at the airport. It's worth the wait...


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: McRat on November 18, 2009, 11:06:24 PM
I was delayed for an hour at an airport once because they were worried about whether my carry-on contents were safe to bring aboard.

They could not figure out what the were, even though I had the blueprints with me.

They were aircraft parts for a 737, the same type plane I was attempting to board.  I guess they were afraid I was going to repair the plane?  Wouldn't want anyone to being doing that I suppose...


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on November 19, 2009, 10:26:19 AM
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly (my favorite)

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future. (though this is good too)

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. (this also rocks)

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito,
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature: (This one, too, was
our very favorite. As have others in life, seems that
we've encountered an inordinate amount of these "types"!!) :~)

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an Acura-hole.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on November 19, 2009, 11:34:06 AM
Okay, OKAY, k.h.  YOU WIN!!  All right?

ROTFF-LOL ! ! !

MORE, more, please!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on November 19, 2009, 11:50:58 AM
I'm cheating.  Just cutting and pasting Mensa/Densa bits.  Personally, I define genius as:  A good memory and the ability to figure things out.  Don't even have to be literate to do that and live to a ripe old age.  I went to one Mensa meeting.  That was enough.  People dressed like characters from novels.  A legal secretary twice my age hitting on me.  A gaggle of seedy bearded guys who looked like Skid Road bums who turned out to be professors at the local university. Anyway, here's a sample of the brain noodling offered by those Mensas with an unwarranted feeling of superiority: 

Brain Exercise

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with
reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to
question four.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If
you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and
exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 19, 2009, 12:11:37 PM
I've often likened a person that's qualified to be a member of Mensa to a high-horsepower sports car.  The car is capable of amazing speed, handling, and such -- but can still spin the wheels and get stuck in the mud (or snow).  both need to be used properly and with care.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on November 19, 2009, 12:24:31 PM
Here is another mental test:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer)
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The King of the Forest is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

Note: According to sources, Anderson Consulting Worldwide (now "Accenture"), said around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting reportedly said this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on November 19, 2009, 01:05:24 PM
Bless the consultants, for they shall inherit the billing revenue.

Having hired enough and been one, a consultant may be defined as someone who charges you to use your watch and tell you what time it is.

I digress back to Mensa/Densa.  Years ago, when people learned I was in Mensa, they asked me since I was so smarty, why I wasn't rich.  My stock answer was, "chocolate cake is rich, I prefer being wealthy." 

Can we tell politically incorrect jokes here?  Like, did you hear about the two judges of a particular sexual persuasion who tried each other?  OK, that's not PC enough. 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: McRat on November 19, 2009, 02:56:17 PM
Guess I didn't read #5 well enough.  The hour hand goes 30° per hour on the few clocks I have left that have hands.

I do have an old busted Grandfather clock.  My wife wants to throw it away because it's broke, but I tell her that it's right twice a day, which is often better than my typical day...


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on November 19, 2009, 03:10:23 PM
That's me, right twice a day according to senior management (wife).  Here's a joke I heard in German 20 years ago and herewith translate and modify to fit this forum:

So, two LSR racers are driving across the country to get to Bonneville.  One turns to the other and asks, "Did you fart?"  The other responds, "Why, you think I always smell like this?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: McRat on November 19, 2009, 03:55:30 PM
My wife keeps telling me to read instructions before using things, and I just can't get the hang of it.

I bought some new deodorant, and read the instructions:

Remove cap and push up bottom.

Well, I can barely walk now, but when I faart, the room smells great.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on November 19, 2009, 04:15:18 PM
 :-o When you get the chance, read the instructions on the can of Draino.    First thing it says is not to put in standing water.........What in the heck good is it then,  your trying to get rid of standing water in the sink!?     Crow.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on November 19, 2009, 04:24:36 PM
I recently changed the idler pulley on my wife's mini van. I am not making this up, the first instruction on the package said "Please turn off engine before installing".

Seriously, who on earth would try to change a pulley when the engine is running? I guess they would be easy to identify after the fact, and their nickname would be something like "stumpy"...


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: McRat on November 19, 2009, 04:27:01 PM
I love Chinese Instuwksons:

1)  Cover of top removed by screwdriver.
2)  Battery installed inside.
3)  Cover of top install.  
4)  Screw it up.

I usually get step 4 right.

BTW - Yes, those are real instructions I read on a wireless phone system for battery replacement.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on November 19, 2009, 04:43:45 PM
The deodorant joke had me spitting coffee.  There's some mileage left in that one.  Off to work before my wife and kids starve.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dr Goggles on November 19, 2009, 05:04:03 PM
I recently changed the idler pulley on my wife's mini van. I am not making this up, the first instruction on the package said "Please turn off engine before installing".

Seriously, who on earth would try to change a pulley when the engine is running? I guess they would be easy to identify after the fact, and their nickname would be something like "stumpy"...

turn the motor off? what , do think I've got nothing better to do than walk all the way around to the front of the car and waste my energy twisting that stupid key?.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQhfcdQf1QA

by the way I had a packet of Portuguese coffee once that had instructions on the side ...step 3 "Get the cup not"......oh , OK ...I won't then :?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on November 19, 2009, 05:47:32 PM
I recently changed the idler pulley on my wife's mini van. I am not making this up, the first instruction on the package said "Please turn off engine before installing".

Seriously, who on earth would try to change a pulley when the engine is running? I guess they would be easy to identify after the fact, and their nickname would be something like "stumpy"...

turn the motor off? what , do think I've got nothing better to do than walk all the way around to the front of the car and waste my energy twisting that stupid key?.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQhfcdQf1QA

by the way I had a packet of Portuguese coffee once that had instructions on the side ...step 3 "Get the cup not"......oh , OK ...I won't then :?

That's a belt change on a two pulley system with little tension on the belt (and probably only a 28-34HP motor). Try changing the pulley on the crank end while it's running (I'll even give you a week to do it) and I'll be mighty impressed!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dr Goggles on November 19, 2009, 06:54:37 PM
That's a belt change on a two pulley system with little tension on the belt (and probably only a 28-34HP motor). Try changing the pulley on the crank end while it's running (I'll even give you a week to do it) and I'll be mighty impressed!

I'm thinking the handle of that screwdriver would about half way up yr left nostril before you even thought, "this is my tenth bad idea today"........ :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 19, 2009, 07:24:29 PM
A Giraffe walks in to a bar and says...."The high balls are on me"!! ( just trying to stay on topic) :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on November 19, 2009, 08:20:40 PM
A marine biologist discovers he can keep porpoises alive indefinitely by feeding them seagulls.  To prove it, he puts a few in his home swimming pools and every day brings seagulls home for them to eat.  A lion escapes from the local zoo and finds its way to his home, deciding to nap on a sunny section of sidewalk leading to the pool.  The biologist comes home with a few birds, sees the sleeping cat and gingerly steps over it.  Out of the bushes jump a slew of law enforcement officials.  Why?  They charged him with carrying gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

Bennett Cerf lives.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: aircap on November 19, 2009, 09:25:51 PM
Quote
Bennett Cerf lives.

Now there's a name I hadn't heard since I was a kid!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on November 21, 2009, 06:02:28 PM
Two racers go to a junkyard for spare parts.  The junkyard is large, so the owner suggests that the pair look around to see if they can find what they want and warns the men to look out for his pet goat.

Out in the junkyard the men pass a hole in the ground.  One of them kicks a pebble into the hole and both are surprised that they do not hear the pebble hit bottom.
The two racers forget the spare parts mission and begin throwing larger and larger items into the apparently bottomless hole.  They don't hear anything hit bottom, so they heave a transmission into the hole.  Suddenly a goat runs up to the side of the hole, pauses, then jumps in.  Shaken by the goat's suicidal leap, the racers return to the junkyard owner.

"Did you find your parts?"  the owner asks.  Without mentioning the items they had thrown into the hole, the men tell the owner about the goat that jumped to his death.  The owner says, "That's funny, but it couldn't have been my goat.  Mine was securely tethered to a transmission."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 22, 2009, 12:10:44 AM
I remember thinking "That frisbee looks like it`s getting bigger"....And then it hit me. :roll:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on November 23, 2009, 12:53:19 PM
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
 
George replies, 'God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'
 
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God . Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'

 


'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on November 23, 2009, 12:59:18 PM
The three old guys are trading medical problems.

Fred says "I'm 65 and I can only sleep until 6:00 am because I have to get up and pee."
George says "I'm 75 and I can only sleep until 5:00 am because I have to get up and poop."
Sam says "I'm 85 and sleep like a baby until 9:00 am because I already peed and pooped."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 27, 2009, 02:15:15 PM
Mrs. B was in a foul mood last night so I asked what was wrong. She said winter is here,it`s cold, snowy and nasty and a group of her friends are going to Hawaii for a month but she can`t go because I`m spending the family fortune building my `liner. I`m a sensitive guy, So I know how to handle women. I bought her a snow blower. It needs a head gasket, but once she fixes that, she should be able to earn money clearing the neighbors drives/walks and join her pals. I`ll  keep you posted on how this turns out. :wink:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: wolcottjl on November 27, 2009, 02:53:10 PM
Carrie Prejean said yesterday that the solo sex tape of her that's on the Internet was a gift from her to her boyfriend.

I have to admit, as a guy, it sure beats a sweater and Old Spice...




A new report found that there are 237 millionaires in Congress.

Some of that is oil money, some of it is from family money, but mostly it's just old fashioned bribes.




Just read on google news that the FDA has approved a new drug that will give people longer eyelashes.

Well, thank God we are not wasting time and money on cancer research.



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: DavidinDurango on November 27, 2009, 07:35:39 PM
Never mind, I probably can't say that here . . . .


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on November 27, 2009, 10:12:47 PM
 :cheers: Your probably right!         Crow.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: McRat on November 27, 2009, 10:56:02 PM
Behavioral psychology is the science of pulling habits out of rats.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 28, 2009, 08:02:06 PM
Never mind, I probably can't say that here . . . .
Go ahead.....I`ll read it


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on December 01, 2009, 11:09:09 PM
We all know Stan is getting on in years.....

Stan's doctor requested a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave him a jar and said, 'Stan, take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day Stan reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, it was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and Stan explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!  'Stan! You asked the neighbor lady?'

Stan replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'  :-D

Similarity to anyone on this board is purely coincidental....  :roll:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on December 02, 2009, 11:34:00 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road? That`s where he left his coupe. ( Yes I know...C-o-o-p)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on December 02, 2009, 06:35:59 PM
Why did the punk rocker cross the road? Because he had a chicken stapled to his forehead.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on December 02, 2009, 10:10:23 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the deer how to do it safely.

Anyone for grilled venison?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on December 04, 2009, 09:40:24 AM
Who was the little girl that scared away the wolf by belching at him??? Oh yeah....."Little rude riding hood"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on December 04, 2009, 10:30:19 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the deer how to do it safely.

Anyone for grilled venison?

Here you go MM.

(http://i889.photobucket.com/albums/ac92/bbarnhart_photos/Misc/Free_Deer.jpg)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on December 11, 2009, 07:39:44 PM
Woman is in line at the grocery store with two small girls by her side. Guy behind her asks if the girls are twins. Woman says "No.....You think they look that much alike""? Guy says " No, You are just so ugly I didn`t think anyone would do you twice" :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: McRat on December 15, 2009, 02:53:36 PM
Subject: Early Dismissal

It is near the Christmas break of the school
year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really
nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to
have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I
ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want
to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven
Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says,
"Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can gohome."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says,
"Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your
country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says,
"John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able
to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bit*#$ would
keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID
THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on December 15, 2009, 07:59:31 PM
True story-

You may or may not know this, but back before a certain SDRC member got into the fiberglass motorcycle fairing business, he used to sell furniture.  (In the interest of confidentiality, he shall remain nameless, but, as a hint, his initials are Kent Riches). 

Now being the enterprising young dude that he was, he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, and although he had never traveled outside the USA, he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving in the French city he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed, and to hear Kent tell it, to this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: stratman59 on December 16, 2009, 10:10:47 PM
He who drinks gets drunk.
He who gets drunk falls asleep.
He who falls asleep does not sinn.
He who does not sinn goes to heaven.
So come on guys lets get drunk and go to heaven.


Robbie


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on December 16, 2009, 10:30:39 PM
Something else to worry about ...
 
 
 
 I'm not really concerned about swine flu. Here's my concern.
 
 * 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease.
 
 
 * 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.
 
 
 * This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . Swine flu.
 
 
 Next year is the year of the cock - Anybody else worried?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on December 17, 2009, 01:06:47 AM
The joke talking about heaven reminds of me when Leroy went to church.

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies:  "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."


The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: stratman59 on December 21, 2009, 07:04:00 AM
What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on December 21, 2009, 11:04:48 AM
What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer  :cheers:

or....

That badge looks stupid.

or

You'll never get those cuffs on me you p@ssy!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: stratman59 on December 22, 2009, 06:56:58 AM
What do donkeys send out near Christmas?

Mule-tide greetings :-D



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on December 28, 2009, 12:05:16 PM
Blonde is making her way home from the bar when a cop pulls her over. Officer tells her she`s weaving all over the road and he wants her to take the breathalyser test. Girl blows in the tube,Cop looks at the device and says "Looks like you had a few stiff ones" Girl says........" It tells you THAT too"? :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on December 29, 2009, 12:35:23 AM
A rancher was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the rancher, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

The rancher looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg ,Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the rancher and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the rancher.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the rancher says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government", says the rancher.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the rancher. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep....

.... Now give me back my dog."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: stratman59 on December 29, 2009, 06:26:01 AM
 :-D :lol: :lol:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: stratman59 on December 29, 2009, 08:40:32 PM
Local Golf Club
This sign was posted at a local golf club

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: doug odom on January 05, 2010, 11:59:08 AM
The local police got a report of a break in and burglary at the pharmacy supply warehouse. The video security cameras show 4 men, 55 to 65 years old stealing a pallet of Viagra.

The police are now on the look out for 4 hardened criminals.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on January 06, 2010, 09:41:59 AM
Bill and Steve are playing a round of golf. All morning they are stuck behind two dreadfully slow women. Bill decides to ask them if he and his pal can play through. He takes the cart to go talk w/ them, but, 1/2 way there he turns around and comes back . "Good Lord" he cries "One of them is my wife, The other is my girlfriend, I can`t talk to THEM". Steve says he`ll do it. Off he goes,1/2 way, turns about and returns to where Bill is and says............."Small world"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on January 06, 2010, 04:10:15 PM
Little John the Baptist
 

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.  He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.  She smiled and went about her work. 
 
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that!  Cats don't like water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on January 07, 2010, 06:44:57 PM




Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London. 

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him
in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get
up and get a Coke." 


   "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat,

I'll get it for you."




    As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and
spat in it. 


    When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, "That
looks good, I'd really like one, too." 


    Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone, the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and
spat in it. 

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. 




    As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his
Arab neighbors. 

"Why does it have to be this way?

How long must this go on?

This fighting between our nations?

This hatred?

This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and p*ss*ng in Cokes?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on January 07, 2010, 11:25:26 PM
Sounds like the Amo boys and coffee...


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Stupid Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on January 08, 2010, 08:33:54 AM
Little John the Baptist
 

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.  He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.  She smiled and went about her work. 
 
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that!  Cats don't like water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church!"

Pretty sure that loud bumping noise is my Baptist mother rotating in her grave.(on the other hand, Her only son thought it was great) :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on January 11, 2010, 01:09:51 PM
For your edification -- but I'll offer that it sounds like a couple of the "California guys" that are on this site. . .

(http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii147/SeldomSeenSlim/th_swansong1.jpg) (http://s263.photobucket.com/albums/ii147/SeldomSeenSlim/?action=view&current=swansong1.flv)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 11, 2010, 01:39:39 PM
That's good!  But you don't have to waste photobucket space as it's also on Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_6I50oXAVM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_6I50oXAVM)

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on January 11, 2010, 02:09:42 PM
Thanks -- but since last year, when I posted so much during the events and the Shootout -- I have a Photobucket "pro" account which allows me a big handful of empty gigabytes for storage for my $25/year.  And also -- I don't spend much time at youtube -- only have gone there by following someone else's link to a video.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 11, 2010, 02:30:58 PM
...also -- I don't spend much time at youtube -- only have gone there by following someone else's link to a video.

Pretty much the same for me.  But, I wanted to email it to my "elderly" uncles  :mrgreen: and didn't want to steal your bandwidth, so I went looking - took all of 5 seconds to find the second version.

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on January 11, 2010, 03:18:17 PM
Speaking of "You tube"....Log on there and type "Tim Wilson" in the search bar. And don`t blame me for all the vugarities that stream out. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 25, 2010, 04:17:28 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Heaven

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.  'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' 

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.  'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.  This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

 :cheers:
 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on January 25, 2010, 06:22:09 PM
My, my.  Stan Boreson and his basset hound, No Motion, named after the unlimited hydroplane, Slo Motion, both Seattle natives.  He had a kids show on local TV in the afternoon hours with "salty Scandenavian schtick."  Now 85, he doesn't look a day over 84.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on January 26, 2010, 11:20:22 PM
I thought I'd run G Production.
Watcha think?

(http://funmeme.com/image.axd?picture=Redneck-Hotrod.jpg)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 27, 2010, 12:29:15 AM
OW!  That HURTS!



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on January 27, 2010, 10:12:47 AM
Dean, someone is upset with you, you link has been teminated... however here is a little entertainment to keep the thread running
 :cheers:

I called a company and orderd their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands a voluptuous, athletic, 21 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduced herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign read 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I gave up..

The same girl showed up for the next four days and the same thing happened. On the fifth day, I weighed myself and was delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised. I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stood the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that read, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I was out the door after her like a shot. That girl was in excellent shape and I did my best, but no luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happened.  I am gradually getting in better and better shape and almost caught her on the last day.

Much to my delight when I weighed myself on the fifth day I discovered that I lost another 20 lbs. as promised. I decided to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asked the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' I said, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I opened it I found a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

I lost about 63 pounds that week.   :-D

 



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: wobblywalrus on January 28, 2010, 12:40:03 AM
That's a good one.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on February 11, 2010, 11:12:10 AM
3 foot tall guy runs in the door of a Doctor`s office yelling "Help,help...I`m shrinking" Doc. says " Calm down......be a little patient"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on February 11, 2010, 11:07:04 PM
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.  She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.  In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in intensive care.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.  As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.  She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.  She was jubilant.  Then she remembered her husband.  Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.  She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!  I hope you're proud of yourself!  While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in intensive care!  It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!  For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care.  He will now be your career!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.  He's dead.  Show me what you bought."





Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on February 12, 2010, 10:57:46 AM
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on February 18, 2010, 09:49:56 AM
8 guys graduate from med. school together. They decide to meet in ten year intervals to compare lives. At 35, they  meet at Guido`s because the waitresses have big breasts and wear low cut tops. At 45 ,they meet at Guido`s because of the buffet. At 55, It`s Guido`s since they have a "Heart-Smart' special. Come 65, They choose Guido`s for the quiet back room. where you don`t need to yell over the music. 75 rolls around and Guido`s is chosen because it`s handicap accessable. At 85 ,They agree on Guido`s because none of them have been there before. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: HotRodV8 on February 18, 2010, 06:22:08 PM
My psychiatrist asked me if I had difficulty making decisions?
I said, well... yes and no.

She also said I was doing very well and I could now lay on top of the couch.  :-o


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: HotRodV8 on February 18, 2010, 06:24:44 PM
One day I was so hungry, but the way I felt, I just couldn't eat on an empty stomach.  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on February 22, 2010, 05:43:26 PM
After a long night of passion the guy notices a photo of another man on the dressing table.

He's curious. "Is this your husband?" he asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, stop worrying," she says, nibbling at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, of course not! Are you jealous? I love it when you're jealous." she answered.

"Well, who the hell is he, then." he demands.

"Oh, alright then, if you must know," she whispers in his ear, "That was me before the surgery."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: aircap on February 22, 2010, 09:27:22 PM
Yowza. :-o


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on February 23, 2010, 10:30:17 AM
If Abe Lincoln was so honest,....Why are banks closed on his birthday???


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on February 23, 2010, 10:40:28 AM
If Superman is so smart, why does he wear his underpants outside of his trousers?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on February 23, 2010, 10:42:54 AM
Ask the invisable man and Wonder Woman about that Super dude!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: HotRodV8 on February 23, 2010, 10:43:59 AM
If Abe Lincoln was so honest,....Why are banks closed on his birthday???


?Because the banks are dishonest?  :?


Honest!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: landsendlynda on March 02, 2010, 11:23:55 PM
What do you call a broken Gecko?


Reptile dysfunction.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 08, 2010, 08:45:35 PM
How Fights Start.......   
 
 
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started....
================

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
 ================

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
 ================

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......
 ================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
================

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as
he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
================

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
================

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started...
 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 09, 2010, 06:23:20 PM
Irish Gas Station

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was. 
 
"Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irish man smiled, doffing his cap.  As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.

"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant, "those fellas at Ford think of everything!"

 :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on March 10, 2010, 03:20:01 PM
As long as we are telling religious jokes...  :cheers:
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, as he reaches for them, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he sees a parrot. "Who are you?" the burglar asks."Moses," the bird replied."Who the heck would name a bird Moses?" the man laughed."I dunno," Moses answered," I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on March 17, 2010, 03:45:11 PM
Following Sunday service, a lad is looking at a bronze plaque with a list of names on the wall of a church foyer.  "What's that?" he asks the preacher.

"Why, that's a memorial to those who died in the service."

"Which one," says the boy, "8:00 a.m., or 10:30?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on March 17, 2010, 09:10:51 PM
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a
while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think
from listening to you, that you're from Ireland. 
 
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
 
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are
ya from?'
 
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
 
The first one responds, 'So, am I!!  And what street did you
live on in Dublin ?'
 
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west
end. I lived on  Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
 
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I!  So
did I!  And what school did ya go to?'
 
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart Of
Mary, of course.'
 
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I!  Tell
me, what year did you graduate?'
 
The other woman answers, 'Now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
 
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down
upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the
same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart
Of Mary in 1964 me self!
 
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders
a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his
head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
 
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
 
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

Cheers to we sons of the old sod, (for today anyway).  O' k.h.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 18, 2010, 12:43:25 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
 
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
 
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
 
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
 
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
 
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
 
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
 
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
 
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
 
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
 
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
 
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
 
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
 
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
 
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
 
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'  Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
Chief: 'A senator?'  Cop: 'Bigger.'   
 
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'  Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
 
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
 
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
 
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: jimmy six on March 18, 2010, 01:31:55 PM
I've heard this before....Except it wasn't God in the back seat; it was Hardy Allen....Everyone know Hardy is more well known than the Pope............................JD


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Elmo Rodge on March 18, 2010, 03:42:01 PM
I've heard this before....Except it wasn't God in the back seat; it was Hardy Allen....Everyone know Hardy is more well known than the Pope............................JD
You ain't foolin', JD. Wayno


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 03, 2010, 12:58:35 PM
Happy Easter from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.  He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.  Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.  A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.  She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible, "he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, " Don't worry."  She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.  She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.  Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.  He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.  It says..

|
V








|
V



(This is bad!)



(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)


(You can still delete it)







|
V




(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,

"Hair Spray -

Restores life to dead hair,

and adds permanent wave."


Happy Easter!!!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: landsendlynda on April 03, 2010, 01:11:29 PM
That has got to be the best rabbit joke ever!!

Lynda


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on April 03, 2010, 01:42:39 PM
Last night, I lost the local pub TRIVIA QUIZ by 1 point!



The last question was...

Where do most women have curly hair?






Apparently the correct answer is "Africa."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Cajun Kid on April 03, 2010, 01:52:22 PM
Last night, I lost the local pub TRIVIA QUIZ by 1 point!



The last question was...

Where do most women have curly hair?






Apparently the correct answer is "Africa."

Well,,, I bet your answer was still in the "Southern Hemisphere"   :mrgreen: :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 05, 2010, 02:23:54 PM
It's Friday somewhere, isn't it?


"Ole and Sven had really 'packed on the pounds' by over-eating during Christmas and the New Year's Holidays, so their doctor put them on the same diet.

 
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

 
When the Norwegians returned, they shocked their doctor by having lost nearly 25 POUNDS each. "Why, that's positively amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
Then Ole and Sven nodded and said, "We vant to tell you though, we
taut we was gonna drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, yust from all dat skippin!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 07, 2010, 01:32:04 PM
Just in from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and to comfort her.  When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble.  "Oh, no, dear," replied granny.  "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells began to ring.  It was just the right rhythm.  Nothing too strenuous, just in on the ding, out on the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive if that fricking ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Brings a tear to your eye, don’t it.

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Brian Westerdahl on April 10, 2010, 07:28:24 AM
This was told to me as a true story.  I have no reason not to believe that it isn't.  I don't think you could make this up.  There was a lady that had a child with Downs Syndrome and they lived by them selves.  She would go over and check on him or her ( I am not sure if it was a girl or boy)  doesn't matter every two or three days.  One day she went over to check on them and the child said I have a troll locked in the closet she said what!!! I have a troll locked in the closet.  The closet had all kinds of furniture stacked in front of the door tables chairs desk all kinds of stuff.  The Mom unstacked all the stuff and opened the door and there was a midget in there. They had been in there for two days.  It was a Jehovah Wittness that was going around knocking on doors handing out there info.  Just a funny story.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 19, 2010, 11:47:40 AM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

The Last Nickel
 
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
 
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
 
"No," the woman replied.  "I'm with the I.R.S."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: oz on April 19, 2010, 01:28:16 PM
A young christian man still a virgin decides to propose to his long time girlfriend but feels he must confess to her his deformity!
He explains.
Before I ask you to marry me i must confess I have a baby sized penis.

She smiles sweetly and says.
size isnt everything and i love you for who you are you mean the world to me and I would love to be your Wife.

They marry in due course and on there honeymoon they cant wait to feel each others soft caress.

He un does her blouse as she slips her hand down the front of his pants and lets out a huge scream!!!

You said you had a baby sized penis!


I have he replies 8lb 7oz


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 19, 2010, 01:38:50 PM
Fred is getting married and his buddies take him out for a wild batchelor party.

They get him a hooker. Fred thinks about this and says what the heck, I'm not married yet and I could use some wild sex.

As it turns out, it was too wild. In fact, she broke his penis.

The next day he rushes to the doctor.

Doc! I'm getting married today! What can I do!

The doctor tells him it really is broken and all he can do is put a wooden brace on it.

Fred worries about this all day. He worries about it during the ceremony. He worries about it during the reception.

Fred and his new wife finally arrive at the hotel. Fred is in a panic, he doesn't know what to do.

His new wife heads into the bathroom to change. She come out in this sheer negligee.

She comes out into the bedroom, throws off the negligee and says "Never been used".

Fred drops his trousers and says "Still in the box!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 27, 2010, 11:33:14 AM
Guy calls his friend and starts bragging about the wild night of love he enjoyed with his girl friend and her twin. Buddy asks if he had trouble telling them apart. He replies " Not at all, Her brother has a moustache........................................." :-o


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Cajun Kid on April 27, 2010, 12:30:33 PM
Now Floyd,,

Thats just darn right Wrong !!!!! :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 27, 2010, 09:04:06 PM
Now Floyd,,

Thats just darn right Wrong !!!!! :cheers:
Made your head hurt, didn`t it!! (and it`s Jerry)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on May 01, 2010, 09:48:08 AM
From a Brit friend--

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.. He gives up and goes back tobed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. 'The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep %#&!*%.'


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Cajun Kid on May 01, 2010, 12:30:34 PM
K H,,, that sure does sound like politics,,, so true,,,

Charles


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on May 17, 2010, 05:05:22 PM
THE MALE CYCLE

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.  She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.   :cheers:  :mrgreen:  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on May 17, 2010, 07:19:18 PM
A woman goes to a psychiatrist in extreme agitation.

The doctor asks her what the problem is.

The woman answers, "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every time my husband comes home drunk we have a terrible fight that lasts for hours and gets me completely unnerved and I can't sleep."

The shrink says to her, "I have a real good medicine for that.   When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.  She says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!  Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea.  I swished and swished, and not once did we get into a fight."

The psychiatrist says, "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

     


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on May 18, 2010, 11:38:35 PM
And now, for you engineer types, a some critical information to help you go faster as you put more and more foreign ponies into domestic iron, and, ummm... vice versa:

Despite never having adopted the metric system for day to day life, Land Racers tend to be familiar with the basic units, like grams (especially kilograms), meters and such. But when it comes to lesser known units, they're clueless, so we thought we'd help the educational process along a bit.

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = 1 straight line
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
4 nickels = 1 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
and...

100 Senators = Not 1 good decision

Glad I could help
 



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 19, 2010, 09:26:46 AM
 :-o  Somebody has tooooo much time on their hands,,,,funny as heck tho!     Crow.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 29, 2010, 06:59:58 AM
It's great to own and operate a sign engraving company.  I had some spare time yesterday, and the little sign in the bathroom next to the sub sandwich shop in the building -- needed freshening, I decided.  The sign reminds employees to wash hands after using the bathroom -- you've all seen that type of sign, right?

Here's the replacement I made for the old sign:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: landsendlynda on May 29, 2010, 11:19:05 AM
Now that's a sign I could live with!!!    :cheers:   Too bad the food joints don't.

Lynda


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: doug odom on May 29, 2010, 11:37:26 AM
Reminds me of the joke with the punch line........ well wash your hands real good and make me a cheeseburger.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on May 29, 2010, 12:35:16 PM
Sensitive Stuff

Three lakester pilots were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and
Donnie.  As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and
is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says,
'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you beer?'
'Well, not zackly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door,  I
said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.  I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Lakester pilots are good at that sensitive stuff.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on May 30, 2010, 12:41:32 PM
Reminds me of the joke with the punch line........ well wash your hands real good and make me a cheeseburger.
And a FINE joke that one is!!!! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:JB


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on June 05, 2010, 12:10:36 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of students


The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade.  My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!  I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.  While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on June 10, 2010, 09:28:41 AM
NOT from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:  :mrgreen:

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now?

 8-)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: doug odom on June 10, 2010, 01:24:00 PM
Honey, I want to buy a new tool.
 "What to you need a new tool for"?
Well honey you know, to fasten things together.
 "Do you really need this new tool"?
Well honey you know people look at my work and you don't want them to think I do shoddy work do you?
 "How much does this new tool cost"?
Well honey, it's not so much what does it cost. It's an investment in better workmanship and product.

So that my friends is how my wife got her new $3,000 sewing machine.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 1212FBGS on June 10, 2010, 03:21:13 PM
boy how true that is..... i bought a old sprint car, my wife buys an Audi TT...... I get a dog, my wife buys a Hummer..... what i dont think is fair is she took all three in the divorce.... miss that dog.... true not a joke!
kent


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on June 10, 2010, 07:51:29 PM
 :-D  But you got Troy!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: isiahstites on June 12, 2010, 11:45:38 PM
boy how true that is..... i bought a old sprint car, my wife buys an Audi TT...... I get a dog, my wife buys a Hummer..... what i dont think is fair is she took all three in the divorce.... miss that dog.... true not a joke!
kent

No Subaru! The last bike I bought cost me a new diamond ring.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Cajun Kid on June 13, 2010, 08:45:33 AM
boy how true that is..... i bought a old sprint car, my wife buys an Audi TT...... I get a dog, my wife buys a Hummer..... what i dont think is fair is she took all three in the divorce.... miss that dog.... true not a joke!
kent

No Subaru! The last bike I bought cost me a new diamond ring.

I can top that,, The first shop and the Vicky cost me a swimming pool and deck (for my wife and kids) the New Shop cost me a 2008 Mercedes Benz for my Wife... The Stude,,, heck I am so broke now I may not have to reciprocate on this one  :evil: :evil: :cheers: :cheers:

Charles


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 04, 2010, 12:58:51 PM
Young Cousin Becky went fishing, her first time, and came back to the cabin with one fish on her stringer.

"Look, Pa, I caught me a twelve inch trout!" she exclaimed.

Her father looked at the fish with grave concern.  He didn't want to hurt the young girl's feelings, but what she had on her stringer was a two inch minnow.

"Well, ain't that fine, Becky", he said, but then added, "But you haven't done a lot of fishin'.  What makes you think that's a twelve inch trout?"

"Well, I have to admit it", said Becky, "I don't know if it's a trout or not, but it shore looks like cousin Jethro's twelve inch trout!"





Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on July 14, 2010, 10:39:06 AM
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff has broken his silence: 

WHY  WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my  wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to  browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six  months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a  trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's  restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved  a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set  up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd  invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his  'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on July 14, 2010, 10:43:08 AM
Why men shouldn't write advice columns:

(http://andrewromanblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/advice1.jpg)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on July 15, 2010, 12:20:59 PM
NOT from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A young cowboy from  Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!  They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.  The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.  "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot Old Blue, before he talks to your mother."

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.   :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 20, 2010, 01:48:32 PM
A guy goes to the doctor because of an ear problem. Doc. asks him to describe the symptoms. Guy says; "Homer is big and fat, Marge is skinny with blue hair" :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on July 24, 2010, 04:13:22 PM
 

A gas station owner back East someplace was trying to increase his sales.  So he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with a Fill-Up.'

Soon a 'busa rider pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The 'busa rider guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, the same rider, along with a buddy, Bubba (a Harley rider), pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. 'Busa man guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, 'busa said to his buddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Bubba replied, "No it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on July 24, 2010, 11:26:42 PM
BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday.



Monica Lewinsky turns 44.   
Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast, don't they?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: maguromic on July 24, 2010, 11:40:51 PM
After reading this I almost chocked on my evening cigar.  :lol: Tony


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 24, 2010, 11:56:50 PM


Monica Lewinsky turns 44.   
Can you believe it?
Ahh, the return of the human humidor.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 25, 2010, 10:44:10 AM
 :-o I think we all should ab stain with the Lewinski jokes!   


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: salt27 on July 25, 2010, 12:56:25 PM
:-o I think we all should ab stain with the Lewinski jokes!   

Crow,
You are right, let's just let this blow over.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 25, 2010, 06:32:19 PM
:-o I think we all should ab stain with the Lewinski jokes!   

Crow,
You are right, let's just let this blow over.

No Lewinski Jokes?  That suc . . .

oh, never mind . . .


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 26, 2010, 09:18:58 PM
That was the best you could "come" up with??????? :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stan Back on July 27, 2010, 10:52:47 AM
Don't be hard on him.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on July 27, 2010, 11:24:54 AM
Stan, don't be such a softy!

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 28, 2010, 01:08:33 PM
I`m with Mike on that one....Give `em the shaft, Stan


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stan Back on July 28, 2010, 01:27:05 PM
Give that man a cigar -- he's the weiner!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 28, 2010, 06:26:22 PM
The other guitarist in my band actually met ML at a party when he lived with his brother in LA.  He said, "She was kind of a pr#ck."

I thought that an odd turn of a phrase, because usually when you're talking trash about a girl, the "B" word,  or (and heaven forbid anywhere around my wife) the "C" word is used instead of the "P" word.

I thought about it a second, and in a moment of lager induced inspiration, I replied, "Well, you are what you eat."

You just don't get setups like that very often - so I take 'em when I can.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: landsendlynda on July 28, 2010, 10:14:11 PM
You know, you guys have pretty much sucked this fish dry....

Lynda


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 29, 2010, 08:07:27 AM
We have??? Awww.. nuts, that`s hard to swallow...But thanks for the tip :evil: Glad you took time to ad dress this.................... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on August 04, 2010, 04:00:03 PM
From the lead up  to a recent wedding in the Clinton family:
 
Hillary, playing the perfect Mom, asked Chelsea...

"Have you had sex with Marc?"
 
Chelsea responded.... "Well, not according to Dad."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: DavidinDurango on August 04, 2010, 05:11:46 PM
(http://images54.fotki.com/v563/photos/4/43175/1803460/bear810005-vi.jpg)

My Monica hat.  Yes, I'm the stylish breeder.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 04, 2010, 09:22:24 PM
It looks like my crazy uncle in Red Bluff is finally off of his meds again:   :cheers:

MURDER AT WALMART
 
 
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
 
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'  Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Uwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
 
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
 
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
(You're going to hate me for this...)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

 :mrgreen:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on August 05, 2010, 10:06:50 AM
It looks like my crazy uncle in Red Bluff is finally off of his meds again:   :cheers:

MURDER AT WALMART
 
 
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
 
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'  Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Uwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
 
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
 
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
(You're going to hate me for this...)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

 :mrgreen:

http://instantrimshot.com/ (http://instantrimshot.com/) There...all better now.  :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on August 05, 2010, 02:11:55 PM
Hey Mike,   Wrong thread /Wrong day.................... :evil: :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 11, 2010, 06:44:46 PM
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff doesn't care what day it is  :mrgreen:

Las Vegas Churches Accept Gambling Chips

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.




\/






\/




(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee171/4-BarrelMike/Miscellaneous%20stuff/rotfl.gif)



\/




(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee171/4-BarrelMike/Miscellaneous%20stuff/rotfl.gif)


Of course, it is done by the chip monks.



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on August 19, 2010, 01:54:00 PM
Okay, news just in that Monica is now voting Republican.  Seems the Democrats left a bad taste.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on August 19, 2010, 01:54:39 PM
TOP 10: LAWS OF AUTO RACING


10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today".

9) You only get the lead when you need fuel.

8) If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.

7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race.

6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week.

5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need.

4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the car.

3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps down.

2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at.

1) A 10-car pileup will never happen *behind* you!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on August 19, 2010, 01:58:30 PM
A man walks into a bar with his dog. A Skittles Cup race is on a TV.

He sits down and asks how his favorite driver is doing. The bartender says "Running 25th". The dog jumps up, and runs around
the barstool 25 times. A couple of laps later, the bartender says "Your driver is up to 10th". The dog jumps up again and runs around
the barstool 10 times. A few laps later, the bartender says "He's up to 3rd",
after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 3 times
The bartender says "WOW!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if
your favorite wins?"

"I don't know", says the man, "I've only had him for 2 years!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on August 19, 2010, 09:04:24 PM
 :-D A little philosphy I acquired at Jon's Salt Talks,,,,,,"Kick starting a Harley Davidson is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me attempt this silly ritual"   ( thanks to all that cheered when my scooter started on the 7th kick!)    Crow.      P.S....It usualy starts on the 1st or 2nd kick.      Crow


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on August 20, 2010, 08:58:18 AM
If lawyers take Viagra....Do they grow taller??? :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on August 20, 2010, 09:36:59 AM
 :-o  All I get is a stiff neck!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on August 20, 2010, 10:56:27 AM
Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions (What they say and what they really
mean):

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We still guessing, at this point.)

We're following the standard. (We've always done it this way.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Please read and initial. (We want to spread around the responsibility.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

Tell us your interpretation. (Let's hear your bull.)

We'll look into it. (Forget it! We've got so many other problems already, we'll never get to it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're no likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

I haven't gotten your email. (It's been days since I've checked my email.)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 01, 2010, 04:11:10 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff (modified slightly for topicality):

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect to Bonneville for Speedweek.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what could they do.

Two days later the three get to the bend in the road, only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, a cooler full of cold beer, and ribs cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, she had handcuffs and rope!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

Then she said "Do what ever you want."

"So Here I am!!"

 :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 01, 2010, 07:00:07 PM
Admit it Mike..That`s a true story................... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: will6er on September 02, 2010, 10:40:06 PM
:-o  All I get is a stiff neck!


You're swallowing too slowly!

Will


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on September 02, 2010, 11:35:26 PM
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,

'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: John Noonan on September 03, 2010, 12:20:30 AM
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,

'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'


 :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 11, 2010, 07:33:19 AM
******Disclaimer******  Domestic abuse is not funny, So don`t get all huffy with me :cheers:------- This guy goes in front of the judge after punching his wife for the fourth time. The judge asks why he keeps beating her. Guy says " Must be the weight advantage, longer reach and quicker footwork" :-o


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on September 11, 2010, 11:12:22 PM
When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store
with a $1, & I'd come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread,
3 pints of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, & 6 eggs.
You can't do that now.
Too many security cameras.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 16, 2010, 12:43:54 PM
(http://fire-awards.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/Fireman_Revenge.jpg)

 :cheers:  :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on September 16, 2010, 02:07:39 PM
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 23, 2010, 04:45:04 PM
Pretty slow around here...

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v48/Scorpion101/Vegetables.jpg)   :mrgreen:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 28, 2010, 06:07:20 PM
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 06, 2010, 10:48:20 AM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Finally!

A shoe phone for seniors!

(http://www.thelaughline.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/cell_phone_for_seniors.jpg)

 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on October 06, 2010, 10:55:25 AM
 :? ?  :?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stan Back on October 09, 2010, 04:11:05 PM
Took me a while.

(It's got a dial.)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on October 10, 2010, 09:47:42 AM
 :? Got the dial part,,,,,,,what is a "shoe" phone?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Cajun Kid on October 10, 2010, 10:33:34 AM
Ever watch  "Get Smart" ?  Shoe Phone before cell phones  LOL

Charles


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on October 10, 2010, 11:14:18 AM
Ever watch  "Get Smart" ?  Shoe Phone before cell phones  LOL

Charles

Got it, Chief!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on October 10, 2010, 02:40:43 PM
 :-D I was THAT close!    Thanks for the explaination!            Crow.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: relaxedphit on October 10, 2010, 08:20:56 PM
Ya wanna go old school....Dick Tracey


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: RidgeRunner on October 10, 2010, 08:30:22 PM
Now that I might have understood.  At least I wasn't alone.

                  Ed


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 12, 2010, 09:30:36 AM
Friday has come early this week...................This guy loses all his toes to frostbite and his friends abandon him.....I guess they were lack-toes intolerant :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Moxnix on October 18, 2010, 10:09:46 PM
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.   
The waiting room was filled with patients.  As he approached the receptionist's desk,he noticed that the receptionist was a large
unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler..   
He gave her his name.
 
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
 
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man....   

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,  "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,    BUT I DON'T WANT
THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: johnneilson on October 19, 2010, 01:08:17 PM
From my buddy who claims the world is sick and he is a happy guy.....

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong!

The ship sinks, and there are only 3   Survivors, Dave, John and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island

and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men

and women to do.

After several years

of casual sex all the time,

Debbie felt absolutely horrible

about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both

Dave and John was so immoral

and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Dave and John

managed to get through it.

After a while, Dave and John's

resistance to nature's urgings waned,

and the inevitable happened.

 

 

A couple more years went by

and Dave and John began to feel

absolutely horrible about what

they were doing.

 


So they buried Debbie.


Note:  John, there was a bunch of garble and email and so on that was tacked on to the end of your story, so I deleted it.  If you really did want it -- well, put it back.  I doubt that you did it on purpose, though. . .   Jon a/k/a Seldom Seen Slim

Thanks, I need to be careful with the control V command.........John   Spaz Extraordinaire


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 19, 2010, 07:17:57 PM
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff is getting excited about the coming election, so, a political joke:

The Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

“Oh please excuse me,” said the bunny.  “I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.” 

“That's perfectly all right,” replied the snake.  “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

 “Well, I really don't know,” said the bunny.  “I'm blind, and I've never seen myself.  Maybe you could examine me and find out.”

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said,  “Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose.  You must be a bunny rabbit!”

The bunny said, “I can't thank you enough.  But by the way, what kind of animal are you?” 

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked,  “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, “you’re cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls........You must be a POLITICIAN”.

 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 20, 2010, 08:24:14 AM
Mike`s uncle in Red Bluff called and told me this one :cheers:   This guy is driving home at 3 a.m. when a cop stops him and asks where he`s going. The man says he`s going to a lecture on the damage done  to the human body and mind from alcohol abuse. the officer asks who is giving the lecture and the guy  says "My wife" :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 30, 2010, 09:20:11 PM
Snow white and the seven dwarves were sitting a hot tub feeling happy............Then Happy got out and they all felt Grumpy :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 30, 2010, 11:40:11 PM
Ho!  That was really Dopey! 

(http://greenewable.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/681dopey-posters.jpg)

 :mrgreen: Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on November 07, 2010, 07:14:30 PM
(#1444) How to impress a woman
Wine her; Dine her; Call her; Hug her; Support her; Hold her; Surprise her; Compliment her; Smile at her; Listen to her; Laugh with her; Cry with her; Romance her; Encourage her; Believe in her; Cuddle her; Shop with her; Give her jewellery; Buy her flowers; Hold her hand; Write love letters to her; Go to the ends of the Earth and back again for her.

(#1445) How to impress a man
Show up naked; Bring him chicken wings; Don't stand in front of the TV.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: aircap on November 07, 2010, 08:23:00 PM
Quote
(#1445) How to impress a man
Show up naked; Bring him chicken wings; Don't stand in front of the TV.


For many guys, they'd want beer.
I don't want wings or beer.
Some good BBQ and a cold Dr. Pepper would go down fine.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on November 16, 2010, 01:14:59 PM
The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece. After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on November 23, 2010, 07:00:47 PM
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

  

(scroll down..... .............)


  


  



  

"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on December 07, 2010, 12:05:16 AM
A  man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the  door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push."Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"  He slams the door and returns to bed.   

"Who was that?" asked his wife.  "Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.  "Did you help him?" she asks.  "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!  God loves drunk people too."     
                                                 
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"  "Yes," comes back the answer.  "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.  "Where are you?" asks the husband.  "Over here on the swing set," replied the  drunk.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on December 08, 2010, 03:52:21 PM
Q.  Why do Driver Ed classes at modern high schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A.  Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on December 08, 2010, 06:10:20 PM
Or the variation: when I was a kid, we were so poor that the high school used the same car for Driver Ed and Sex Ed.   :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 116ciHemi on December 09, 2010, 05:50:29 PM
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"


(scroll down..... .............)
   

"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?"

This one is funny to me, especially after last weekend. Part of what my AFROTC detachment does is usher hockey games at the school. A couple came in to my section, and the older gentleman  had the look of a former serviceman. You can tell if you've been around the military for awhile. Anyway, it didn't strike me as unusual. The next night was our detachment dining out, our formal dinner. Our guest speaker was a retired USAF Major General- the same man that I had noticed at the hockey game. You never know who is watching.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on December 10, 2010, 11:58:22 AM

> > A hooded robber burst into an Oklahoma bank and forced the
> > tellers to load a sack full of cash.
> >
> > On his way out the door, a brave Oklahoma customer grabbed
> > the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face.
> > The robber shot the customer without a moment’s
> > hesitation.
> >
> > He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the
> > tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot
> > him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently
> > down at the floor in silence.
> >
> > The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my
> > face?’
> >
> > There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone
> > was plainly afraid to speak.
> >
> > Then, one old cowboy from West Texas tentatively raised his
> > hand and said, ‘My wife got a pretty good look at you.’



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on December 11, 2010, 01:21:17 PM
Dear Lord:

So far today, God, I've done alright,
I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my
temper, haven't been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.

I'm very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, God, I'm going
to get out of bed. And from then on
I'm going to need a lot more help.

Amen


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on December 11, 2010, 01:51:53 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

$7.00 Sex
 
An  Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row; the couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.  She's married; so we can't go to her house.  I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.

'We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.'



SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT...

 :cheers:



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: N.F.S. on December 12, 2010, 01:36:29 PM
I couldn't figure out why the Frisbee seemed to be getting bigger and bigger... and then it hit me.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Rcktscientist on December 14, 2010, 12:52:52 PM
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax:

Ø  Do not argue with an idiot.  He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø  I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.  Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø  The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on the list.

Ø  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø  If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Ø  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public
.
Ø  War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ø  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø  The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø  Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø  A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø  How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø  Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see  one tumble down the stairs.

Ø  Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very  edge of the pool and throw them fish. 
 
Ø  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø  A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø  Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify", I put "DOCTOR".

Ø,  I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø  Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø  Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø  You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø  The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø  Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

Ø  Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø  Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø  I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø  Some cause happiness wherever they go.  Others whenever they go.

Ø  There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø  I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure.

Ø  When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø  You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 
Ø  To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø  Some people hear voices.  Some see invisible people.  Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø  A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Ø  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: rambler jack on December 14, 2010, 03:17:30 PM
Never go into a battle of wit half armed !


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on December 16, 2010, 10:29:03 PM
Good King Wenceslas calls his regular pizza place.

Pizza guy asks him, "You want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dakzila on December 22, 2010, 11:41:11 AM
It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."



Merry Christmas to all and to alll a good night!

Buzz1513B


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on December 22, 2010, 04:49:05 PM
 :-D
           Now THAT is funny, I don't care who you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!




 :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 11, 2011, 08:48:31 PM
Stolen from Jack Bogdansky's blog:


How it should be done
At a time when the nation could use some cheering up -- and the need for civility in discourse is on everyone's minds -- here is a collection, sent to us by a friend last week, of high-class insults:

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx



Read more: http://bojack.org/#ixzz1AmVlQwXr


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on January 11, 2011, 08:56:22 PM

How it should be done


 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on January 13, 2011, 02:13:35 PM
IRISH TRADITION

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick,took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat  . . . and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August !!!!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 13, 2011, 02:20:17 PM
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff sent me that this morning!    :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: rambler jack on January 13, 2011, 02:51:25 PM
On halloween a young boy goes trick or treating dressed as a pirate. He rings the door bell and when a man answers he says I see you are a pirate. He asks where are your buccaneers. The boy says under my bucking hat.   :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 14, 2011, 10:19:16 PM
Stolen from Jack Bogdansky's blog:


How it should be done
At a time when the nation could use some cheering up -- and the need for civility in discourse is on everyone's minds -- here is a collection, sent to us by a friend last week, of high-class insults:

...

LOL.  I posted that Tuesday morning.  On Thursday morning Jack Bogdanski blogged:

One thing leads to another
Our list of high-class insults from the other day wound up on a bulletin board that also contains this collection of wise sayings:

- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
...


http://bojack.org/2011/01/one_thing_leads_to_another.html#more (http://bojack.org/2011/01/one_thing_leads_to_another.html#more)

"bulletin board" is a link to my Tuesday posting.  He obviously read some of the humor because he borrowed from Rcktscientist's posting of Dec 14 above but without the explanation of "paraprosdokian"

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Ron Gibson on January 15, 2011, 11:42:38 AM

 Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they
 talk about their moonshine operation.

 Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
 cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
 real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
 'Kin ya swallar?'

 The woman shakes her head no.

 Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

 The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

 The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
 her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
 tongue.
 The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
 flies out of her mouth.
 As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his
 table.
 His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver'
 but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 18, 2011, 09:00:24 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN:  The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
       
BARACK OBAMA:  The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change!  The chicken wanted change!
       
JOHN McCAIN:  My friends that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
       
HILLARY CLINTON:  When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
       
GEORGE W. BUSH:  We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.  The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
       
DICK CHENEY:  Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL:  Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
       
BILL CLINTON:  I did not cross the road with that chicken.
       
AL GORE:  I invented the chicken.
       
JOHN KERRY:  Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
       
AL SHARPTON:  Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
       
DR. PHIL:  The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
       
OPRAH:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
       
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN:  We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
       
NANCY GRACE:  That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
       
PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
       
MARTHA STEWART:  No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
       
DR SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not
been told.
       
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die in the rain, alone.
       
JERRY FALWELL:  Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.'  Yes, my friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
       
GRANDPA:  In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
       
BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
       
ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
       
JOHN LENNON:  Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
       
BILL GATES:  I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2011.  This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
       
ALBERT EINSTEIN:  Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
       
COLONEL SANDERS:  Did I miss one?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stan Back on January 18, 2011, 09:54:57 PM
Thank your uncle for his vision.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on January 19, 2011, 12:55:14 AM
Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

Because he had a chicken stapled to his forehead.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on January 21, 2011, 10:02:43 AM
At about 8:30 this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling to stay afloat, because of the large backpack of illegal drugs he was wearing on his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. And, being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM and they still haven't responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on January 21, 2011, 01:27:31 PM
Trust me on this one Stainless.............The sensitive types are going to stuff your p.m. box.  :cheers: Jerry


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on January 22, 2011, 07:24:48 PM
An old 'liner driver comes into a new little back street casino after a hard day on the salt and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over  the bar:
COLD  BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER:  $2.25
CHEESEBURGER:  $2.50
CHICKEN  SANDWICH $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old driver walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled tourists.
She  glides down behind the bar to the old guy.
"Yes?"  she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help  you?"
The  old pilot leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he  whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She  looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Yes Sir , I sure  am."
He leans closer and into her left ear and says  softly,
  
"Well,  wash your hands REAL good because I want a cheeseburger."



(It takes a pure heart to run a 'liner.  'Sides, he probably already figured "2 gallons of Nitro and a cheesburger, or.....")



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on January 22, 2011, 07:26:59 PM
.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on January 31, 2011, 02:24:17 PM
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so stupid that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: debgeo on January 31, 2011, 03:05:06 PM
Good Laugh  :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:THANKS needed that I am working on my taxes :-(


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dakzila on January 31, 2011, 07:15:22 PM
At about 8:30 this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic who was also struggling to stay afloat, because of the large backpack of illegal drugs he was wearing on his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. And, being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 PM and they still haven't responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.


Thanks Stainless.....love it!!!!!

Buzz 1513B


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on February 04, 2011, 10:20:44 AM
My wife asked me how many women I`ve slept with...I told her she was the only one...All the others kept me wide awake. :cheers:(visiting hours are from 6-8 p.m. )


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on February 05, 2011, 07:01:05 PM
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get
together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the
house always prepared a meal.
 
When it came time for Jon and Nancy to be the hosts, Nancy wanted to outdo
all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but
mushrooms were a little expensive. When she told him Jon said "No mushrooms. They are
too expensive.   Why don't you go down to the creek bed and pick some of those
mushrooms?"
 
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
 
He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Nancy decided
to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her
smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the
yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Nancy
watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she
decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Nancy even hired a
lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a
fancy little cap on her head just like a maid. After everyone had finished, they relaxed,
socialized, and played cards and dominoes. About then, the lady from
town came in and whispered in Nancy's ear.

"Mrs. Wennerberg, I'm sorry to tell you this, Ol' Spot is dead."

Nancy went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the
doctor and told him what had happened.  The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will
call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give
everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be
fine. Just keep calm."
 
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and
pumped out their stomach.
 
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think
everything will be fine now." and he left.
 
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room discussing the evenings excitement.
 
Then the lady came in and said, "Nancy, you know, that fellow that ran
over Ol'Spot never even stopped."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on February 05, 2011, 11:18:00 PM
****Forgive me for this one ******      This biker sits down next to a truck driver in a roadside cafe`. The trucker is staring off into space ,with a bowl of chile in front of him. After 15 minutes or so, The biker suggests that he would eat the chile if the trucker doesn`t want it. The driver agrees and the biker starts to eat. 2/3`s of the way to the bottom of the bowl, The saddle tramp notices a decaying mouse corpse in the soup.... and  instantly vomits into the dish. The trucker looks over and says " That`s about as far as I made it too" :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on February 12, 2011, 12:33:49 PM
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff is unemployed again  :-( .  Here's his story about his latest job (firing):

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 1212FBGS on February 12, 2011, 04:55:20 PM
Hey Mike...
i was talkin to yer crazy uncle in Red Bluff the other day and he was trying to explain the current state of affairs of some other countries.... i took some notes

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.  Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
 
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pizzed Off" to "Let's get the Baztards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
 
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
 
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
 
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


kent
 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Glen on February 12, 2011, 06:37:41 PM
President Reagan said  We win they lose.  :-D

Now that's the correct answer. no pussy footing around like the current person filling that office.  :roll:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on February 13, 2011, 11:42:33 PM
I got this from my crazy "Uncle" Kent (1212FGBS) in Vista.

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out
line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had.. an elephant?  So, since I'm retired and
have little to do, on impulse I told her that "No, I didn't have a
dog.  I was starting the Purina Diet again."   I added that I probably
shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but had lost
50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a "Perfect Diet"  The way that it
works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simple
eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.  (I have to
mention her that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in Intensive Care because the dog
food poisoned me.  I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a
poodle's Acura and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Cosctco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.  They have all the time in
the world to think of crazy things to say.



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dr Goggles on February 16, 2011, 07:04:17 PM
President Reagan said  We win they lose.  :-D

Now that's the correct answer. no pussy footing around like the current person filling that office.  :roll:

(http://ugliesttattoos.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/2b659782-bade-4152-af53-631fc7a0421c.jpg)

I wonder if there'll ever be Barry Cabana tramp stamps?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: racergeo on February 16, 2011, 10:51:48 PM
  Kent thanks for the excellent post. very funny as was the one attributed to you from Honda Jim. Funny stuff. Now if we could just get that Dr. Googles guy to shape up this would be a very civil sight :lol:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: ol38y on March 03, 2011, 02:37:54 PM

Since it's not Fri..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she
and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist
assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was
that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat
him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss,
but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for
it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car,
and $3,000 a month living expenses


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dr Goggles on March 03, 2011, 03:48:28 PM
very good Larry.

Now,

An Irishman who has just got a new job is sitting at the kitchen table carving numbers into a huge potato….
 
His wife says.
 
“what the feck are you doing”
 
“Well, everybody told me if I got a job …..I’d have to…..getupotatoclock”
 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: racergeo on March 03, 2011, 05:33:37 PM
  You are killin me.......That is so good


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 22, 2011, 06:14:36 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Recently, New Zealand and Japan had terrible earthquakes with many aftershocks. Some were thought to be oscillatory, while others were believed to be trepidatory.  It occurred to me that most people might be confused about this, so I thought it wise to let everyone know the difference.


 

What's the difference between an oscillatory and a trepidatory earthquake?

1. This calculation is just for engineers:

(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee171/4-BarrelMike/Miscellaneous%20stuff/Earthquake01.gif)




2. And this one is for laymen -- like most of you:

This is a trepidatory earthquake -- an up and down movement.....

(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee171/4-BarrelMike/Miscellaneous%20stuff/Earthquake02.gif)

This is an oscillatory earthquake -- a side to side movement...

(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee171/4-BarrelMike/Miscellaneous%20stuff/Earthquake03.gif)

And this is a combination of both trepidatory and oscillatory:

(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee171/4-BarrelMike/Miscellaneous%20stuff/Earthquake04.gif)


Isn't science beautiful when properly explained?

 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: MC 1314 on March 22, 2011, 07:05:18 PM
Miike, I almost posted that this AM, got busy and forgot, thanks for reminding me!
Bob


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: SaltRat on March 22, 2011, 07:28:26 PM
I think I'm hypnotized!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Gwillard on March 22, 2011, 07:54:51 PM
I studied both explanations and all three examples in college.  :lol:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stan Back on March 22, 2011, 08:42:29 PM
I watched for 10 minutes expecting one of them to escape containment.  Now I've got my own personal tsunami to clean up.

Stan


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Captthundarr on March 22, 2011, 08:48:36 PM
Wow they all look like my 3 x wives :-D :-D :-D the middle one looks like wife #4  :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :cheers: kool


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 26, 2011, 11:17:45 PM
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff sadly reports the death of a TV icon:

The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday at Crescent General Hospital due to complications from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes to the belly.  He was 71.

Dough Boy was survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on March 27, 2011, 12:02:30 PM
From a crazy Irish friend in Alaska:

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my
wife one day and said, "forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but
I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now .... I have a $800,000.00 home, a $55,000.00 car, a nice big bed and
a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman.. It seems
to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find
a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once
again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa
bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's
problems.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on March 27, 2011, 05:43:47 PM
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/11556484



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Glen on March 27, 2011, 06:02:41 PM
SPAM


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on March 27, 2011, 06:08:46 PM
Come on, Glen, I wouldn't spam ya . . . :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 27, 2011, 07:57:41 PM
I'm glad to learn that beer doesn't get warm in the trunk of a car in impound!   :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Captthundarr on March 28, 2011, 10:26:21 AM
Ya gotta love the protocol and remember to keep some "balast" in the pits. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stan Back on March 28, 2011, 02:55:49 PM
I can verify that that was an actual conversation.  The principals were filmed, too, but not shown to protect the non-innocent.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on May 21, 2011, 09:55:26 AM
Slim and Nancy were driving from Marquette to Mackinaw City, ( Slim LOVES Mackinaw Island) And Slim put his hand on Nancy`s leg...Nan` says " Jon,....You can go as far as you want". So......He drove all the way to Detroit.................... :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 21, 2011, 10:05:42 AM
Jerry, I'm not sure what to say about that one.  Give me a few minutes.  We're in Denver -- went WAY past Detroit. :-D  That's all the way and then some. . .


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 21, 2011, 12:19:56 PM
Bill and Bob, two not so bright guys were asked to measure the height of the flag pole.

Bill grabbed one end of the tape measure and gave the other end to Bob and told him to climb up. As much as he tried, he could only get half way before he slid back down.

They traded ends and Bill tried to climb up. He did no better.

Sam comes along and notices their difficulty. He tells them to pull the flag pole out and lay it on the ground. Sam walks off.

Bill says to Bob, "That idiot. We were told to measure the height, not the length."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on May 25, 2011, 07:19:44 AM
The police came to my neighbor's front door last night holding a picture of his wife, then asked "is this your wife sir?".

Shocked he answered, " Yes!".

They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".

He said "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the dog."



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on May 25, 2011, 11:58:25 AM
Survival video for Michigan's Upper Peninsula, SSS's backyard:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fErdLIBi2Jw&feature=player_embedded


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 25, 2011, 12:56:05 PM
No doubt -- that fellow has the accent down just right.  The background scenery got me all fired up to go for a walk out in the woods behind out house.  A summer day (or winter, or fall or spring) out in the woods in the UP is something too good for most of the rest of the world.  Stay home - let us enjoy our own stuff, hey?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 116ciHemi on May 25, 2011, 10:58:11 PM
Another one that might help you understand the UP and Michigan Tech.
http://comedians.jokes.com/john-oliver/videos/john-oliver---exactly-where-i-need-to-be


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 26, 2011, 05:57:06 AM
When I was in Hoton (Michigan Tech to those of you that don't know the background) I did spend a winter driving taxi* on the crack o' dawn shift.  I can identify with Dave.

*Okay - quick note here:  Houghton/Hancock (Houghton is the home of Michigan Technological University, my alma mater and Walt's school these days) is the metro (what a laugh!) area there -- a pair of towns, one on either side of the Portage Canal waterway.  "On either side" -- good phrase, because both towns have STEEP hills leading down to the water.  Did I give the impression to you - that the hills are steep?  Not insurmountable, but pretty steep.  The area gets 250 - 350 inches of snow per winter -- a product of having Lake Superior on about three and a half sides of the area (look at a map of the Keweenaw Peninsula.  It's the part of the U P that sticks out into Lake Superior).  So -- take STEEP hills, add LOTS of snow every day (one winter when I was there we received measurable snowfall 54 days in a row -- new record! :cheers:).  To that snow and steep hills add 5AM -- when the snowplows were just getting started.  Steep, snowy, unplowed.  The taxis in the "fleet" (there were two cars at Jerry's Taxi Co.) were late-60s Plymouth four-doors - slant-six engine, three speed on the column, walnut shell snow tires REAR WHEEL DRIVE.

And some of you wonder why the prospect of driving on a road with an overnight snowfall of six or 8 inches doesn't cause me a moment's concern?

Thanks for the video, Walt.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on May 29, 2011, 09:01:36 PM
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and  park themselves on a barstool.
One of them says to  the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at  the hip. I'm John, he's  Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'
The  bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet,  lads?'
 'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We  go to England every  year,  rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?'
 Jim agrees.
'Ah, England !' says the bartender.  'Wonderful country... the  history,  the beer, the  culture...'
 'Nah, we don't like that British crap,'  says John.
 'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's  us, eh Jim? And we can't stand  the English --- they're so arrogant and  rude.'
 'So why keep going to England ?' asks the  bartender.
 'Ah, It's the only chance Jim gets to  drive.'
 



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 17, 2011, 06:41:18 AM
The police respond to a domestic  disturbance call and find a rather dead guy in a pool of blood....His wife is standing over his body, Holding a bloody golf club. Cop asks how many times she hit him and she says ..." Six, maybe seven........Put me down for five" :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dr Goggles on June 17, 2011, 06:58:39 AM
The police respond to a domestic  disturbance call and find a rather dead guy in a pool of blood....His wife is standing over his body, Holding a bloody golf club. Cop asks how many times she hit him and she says ..." Six, maybe seven........Put me down for five" :cheers:

so, at my place right now she said...." hmmm, golf humour"....then she said..."is that as good as it gets this week?"



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: johnneilson on June 17, 2011, 09:02:45 AM
I read in the paper that the local hookers are starting to unionize.
Among other things, they are tired of being referred to as 'Ho's".
They prefer to be know as "Testicle drainage technicians".

J


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 17, 2011, 12:46:52 PM
Reminds me of the time I was in South Beach.....Saw this stunning young lady and walked up to her, I asked if she`d have sex with me for a million dollars. She said " Sure"!!  I asked .."How about for 50 cents"? She said " What kind of woman do you think I am "?? I told her she had shown me what kind of woman she was.....Now we were just negotiating price.  (oddly.....My lady friends don`t think that`s funny)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on June 17, 2011, 02:59:24 PM
Jerry:

That's an old one.  Cute, but older than the hills.  Thanks for dredging up stuff like it.

So - when will you be appearing on the Forum for more than just the weekly ration of jokes?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 20, 2011, 06:51:40 AM
Well Slim,...I view the threads on a daily basis....But only chime in when I have knowledge on the subject..................(little self depricating humor for you) :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on June 20, 2011, 08:04:12 AM
Ah - now I know why you darn near never post. :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on June 22, 2011, 07:05:51 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Trip to Italy

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry .."

 :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on June 28, 2011, 07:05:30 PM
Military humor from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

________________________________

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

_____________________________

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
________________________________

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!  Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

________________________________

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

______________________________

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
________________________________

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
 




Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on July 14, 2011, 12:44:23 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from?  How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.  The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.  I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.   As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.  As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.  Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No!  No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.  "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.  How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.  There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses.  "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.  She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.  You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"  She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a golf course?"



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tomsmith on July 14, 2011, 07:55:46 PM
An old guy … ok, a guy my age and not in the best of shape.... Was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy and beautiful young woman.
                               
He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."

 

 

 

 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on July 26, 2011, 11:26:36 PM
The fail blog has noticed us.
(http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/demotivational-posters-planking-at-mph.jpg)
The link is here.
http://verydemotivational.memebase.com/2011/07/26/demotivational-posters-planking-at-mph/ (http://verydemotivational.memebase.com/2011/07/26/demotivational-posters-planking-at-mph/)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 31, 2011, 04:29:49 PM
From my crazy (neither gone nor forgotten) uncle in Red Bluff:

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head. In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build A bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make my woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want 2 lanes or 4 on that bridge?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Bob Drury on August 31, 2011, 09:41:14 PM
  A couple of guy's came into my pit and in the course of discussion mentioned that they stayed in Well's the night before.
  When I asked if they stayed at Donna's or Bella's they laughed but said outside one of the establishment's was a sign that read: "what swells in Wells stays in Wells".      Bob


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 16, 2011, 05:50:29 PM
6th grader comes home at dinner time and there is a robot standing in the dining room. He asks about the mechanical man and his dad explains that it is a lie detecting machine. Father asks where the son has been and he replies that he was at Billy`s doing homework. The robot smacks the kid in the head. Dad asks again. Son says he was at Billy`s watching porn. Dad says at that age he didn`t watch porn. Robot smacks dad in the head. Mom says "Well, He is your son. "  Robot turns and smacks mom in the head. :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 28, 2011, 02:12:13 PM
"Elderly" jokes from an older  :roll: local Bonneville record holder:

-----

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it..'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so a s not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

-------

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

-----

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

-----
 
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

----
 
Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

----
 
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

-----
 
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

----
 
One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Here's to all you old guys!  :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fredvance on October 28, 2011, 04:32:40 PM
I resemble that remark! :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Ron Gibson on October 29, 2011, 09:35:28 AM
  A young couple were going to a costume party for the evening. She went upstairs to get ready. When she came down, she was stark naked except for a pair of riding boots.
  Her husband said what in blazes do you think you are doing?
  She said I'm going as Lady Godiva. You better go get ready.
  He went upstairs far a couple of minutes and when he came down, he was completely naked except for a feather in his hair.
  His wife said what do you think you're doing?
  He said if you think you can go as Puss N Boots, I can go as Cock Robin.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Nortonist 592 on October 31, 2011, 11:51:50 PM
Don't forget the clocks go back next Sat.  This time last year I was at a dyslectic friends house.  When I walked in he was smearing black shoe polish on his penis.  I had to slap him on the back of the head and tell him " No!!!!  You turn your clock back!".


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 04, 2011, 09:08:02 AM
This sloth walks in to a police station and says he`s been attacked by turtles. The cop asks if he can give a description and the sloth says .." No....It.....happened....so.....fast...."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: k.h. on December 22, 2011, 10:38:17 AM
I just got off the phone with a friend living in Colorado at 9000'.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist
high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is
increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look
through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: johnneilson on December 22, 2011, 10:55:20 AM
When asked if I wanted to move to South Dakota, I replied, "no, thank you it is still and clear".




"Clear up to your Acura, and still snowing"

sorry, I like toying with the idea of letting her in.............


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on December 30, 2011, 08:51:39 AM
Many years ago, A girl came home from the 3rd grade and said to her mother..." We girls were on the playground and Jon Wennerberg walked over and pulled out his "weiner" !!  Mother, Not wanting to made a big deal out of the situation , asked the girl what she thought of it. " Peanut" was the reply. "That small"?? asked mom. " No,..........Salty" said the child. :evil: (I`ll go to my room now) :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on January 25, 2012, 11:03:59 PM
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards President Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Cereal KLR on January 26, 2012, 01:20:56 PM
 

 

 

 






 

 

The Fisherman....

A guy is 82 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around, couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll
turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that
all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, then placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age
I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on January 26, 2012, 07:55:47 PM
THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a  mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler,which I've never seen done in my entire career".


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on January 27, 2012, 08:15:37 AM
Did you know the Three Wise Men were firemen from Kentucky? Says so in the Bible......"They came from afar.............." :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on January 27, 2012, 09:39:41 AM
Wrong thread Jerry, that one goes on the bad joke Friday...
did you remember to smoke your meds this morning  :-D
 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Rcktscientist on January 27, 2012, 11:29:17 AM
An oldie, but good for a laugh...also works for Drivers/Crew Chiefs!

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints (i.e., problems) submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an S).

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident........

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And finally...
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on January 27, 2012, 06:24:44 PM
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.  :-o


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on January 28, 2012, 09:26:08 AM
Slim,.Bob`s picking on me  :wink:>>> Did you know there is mention of P.M.S in the bible???  Look it up...." Mary rode Joseph`s Acura all the way to Bethlehem....."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: SaltRat on January 28, 2012, 12:27:36 PM
PMS in the Bible? c'mon!

How about:

the first mention of sexual abuse on TV?
(Oct 16, 1958 when Mrs. Cleaver said: "Ward, don't you think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night?")

or the first mention of "wimmen troubles" on TV:  March 17, 1960:  Mrs. Cleaver says "Ward, I'm a little worried about the Beaver."

where's my rimshot?

Veni, Vidi, Veloce


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on January 28, 2012, 03:46:19 PM
Salt Rat ,   www.instantrimshot.com


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on January 28, 2012, 07:27:10 PM
Jerry, we should get together for a quiet evening of Bible study.  I was always fascinated by the automotive references in the Good Book.

The earliest one proved that God was a Mopar guy, when he drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in his Fury.

His Son's minions clearly preferred Hondas, although having ridden in one, I have no idea how a zealot, a tax collector, four fishermen (two of whom were fishing on the wrong side of the boat) and six other menchs ever met in an Accord. 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: SaltRat on January 28, 2012, 09:34:26 PM
Salt Rat ,   www.instantrimshot.com

thank you, not the same without . . . .


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on January 31, 2012, 09:22:15 AM
Chris, As further proof....From the book of Revelations; " The Lord shall return upon a White Charger.."  Definately Mopar people ...... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 06, 2012, 12:18:52 PM
While not strictly a joke - I'll post it here anyway.  I forget if we've had this particular story on the Forum before -- but for sure we'll so be it now.

"A Treatise on the Importance of Smoke

(by ?Joseph Lucas)

All electrical components and wiring harnesses depend on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of charged ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke." Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. Don't be fooled by scientists and engineers talking about excited electrons and the like. Smoke is the key to all things electrical.

We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working.  This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.  For example, if one places a large copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions.  The logic is elementary and inescapable! The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring harness springs a leak and lets all the smoke  out of the system, nothing works right afterward.

Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they regularly released large quantities of smoke from the electrical system.  It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts.  Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks, and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defence secrets.  Therefore, it  follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

Sometimes you may miss the component releasing the smoke that makes your electrical system function correctly, but if you sniff around you can often find the faulty component by the undeniable and telltale smoke smell. Sometimes this is a better indicator than standard electrical tests performed with a volt-ohm meter.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a clear and logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components and why they fail.

"A gentleman does not motor about after dark." -

(Joseph Lucas, 1842 - 1903)

I learned a long time ago that once you let the "Factory Smoke" out of any electrical device, it is next to impossible to replenish..."



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Peter Jack on February 06, 2012, 12:29:09 PM
Jon, here's how you fix the problem.  :-D :-D :-D

http://www3.telus.net/bc_triumph_registry/smoke.htm

Pete


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Glen on February 06, 2012, 01:20:00 PM
Now we have the answers thanks to Peter Jacks research and cataloging all of this pertinent engineering babble speak. It sounds like a democratic attorney wanting to change a law or running for re-election.
 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 06, 2012, 02:42:49 PM
And there's also this treatise:

"> A Treatise on the Importance of Smoke
>
> (by ?Joseph Lucas)
>
> All electrical components and wiring harnesses depend on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of charged ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke." Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. Don't be fooled by scientists and engineers talking about excited electrons and the like. Smoke is the key to all things electrical.
>
> We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working.  This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.  For example, if one places a large copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions.  The logic is elementary and inescapable! The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring harness springs a leak and lets all the smoke  out of the system, nothing works right afterward.
>
> Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they regularly released large quantities of smoke from the electrical system.  It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts.  Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks, and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defence secrets.  Therefore, it  follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.
>
> Sometimes you may miss the component releasing the smoke that makes your electrical system function correctly, but if you sniff around you can often find the faulty component by the undeniable and telltale smoke smell. Sometimes this is a better indicator than standard electrical tests performed with a volt-ohm meter.
>
> In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a clear and logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components and why they fail.
>
> "A gentleman does not motor about after dark." -
>
> (Joseph Lucas, 1842 - 1903)
>
> I learned a long time ago that once you let the "Factory Smoke" out of any electrical device, it is next to impossible to replenish........"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Peter Jack on February 06, 2012, 02:44:18 PM
Thanks Glen. Now I won't bother to read it. I just knew about the pictures and Googled to find them. That was the first site I came across.  8-) 8-) 8-) :evil:

Pete


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 07, 2012, 10:36:23 AM
This is for those of you that wonder why Nancy and I stay up here in the Great White North.

It's winter in Upper Michigan
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Michigan
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
You may think I'm a fool.
I could never leave the UP
Cause I'm frozen to the stool.



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 10, 2012, 08:28:07 PM
Submitted to me by a typing-challenged person:


Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
 "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lordy- it's 2012 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on February 29, 2012, 11:43:24 AM
From Pete Richardson:

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.  I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.  So what do you think about that, Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.  "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.  One day he was setting off to go hunting.  In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.  As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.  He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.  Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.  Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: robfrey on February 29, 2012, 01:50:53 PM
Mike, That is awesome! I love it!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on February 29, 2012, 09:58:37 PM
 :cheers:  Slim,,,,I'm still laughin' at Ole, a half hour later!  Ya got me vit dat vun!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: johnneilson on February 29, 2012, 10:36:40 PM
umm umm opps, I guess the doctor fudged pausing my printer.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 02, 2012, 06:23:48 PM
This is the 50th anniversary of Wilt Chamberlains incredible 100 point game.

Wilt was reported to have slept with 13,000 women.

Wilt ran into Ronald Reagan in the bathroom at a fund raiser years ago.
Ronnie couldn't help but comment on the size.
"Wow is that big! Has it always been that size?"
Wilt said, "it's always been big, but I bang it on the bedpost to make it bigger."

A few days later back in the White House he remembered the conversation.
He started banging it on the bedpost.

Nancy shot up from the bed.
"Wilt is that you?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: jacksoni on March 02, 2012, 07:47:59 PM
hmmm, I heard was 20000 women. thats a new on every day for 54 years. Even at 13000 is 36 years or something. Is a little like most of the car/engine forums- everybody is an engine builder and has a 10 sec car. ( or >200mph etc to put in LSR perspective) Even the same one every day for 54 years is a bit of a feat! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:

Wasn't the one about the farmer with the bull who inseminated 200 cows a year, wife said hey, he said not same cow joke on here already?  ooooppppppss?  more  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dr Goggles on March 02, 2012, 08:42:00 PM
This is the 50th anniversary of Wilt Chamberlains incredible 100 point game.

Wilt was reported to have slept with 13,000 women.

Wilt ran into Ronald Reagan in the bathroom at a fund raiser years ago.
Ronnie couldn't help but comment on the size.
"Wow is that big! Has it always been that size?"
Wilt said, "it's always been big, but I bang it on the bedpost to make it bigger."

A few days later back in the White House he remembered the conversation.
He started banging it on the bedpost.

Nancy shot up from the bed.
"Wilt is that you?"

Couldn't let this pass.

1./ Wilt is a funny name for a guy with a reputation like that.

2./This joke was hard to go along with because Ronnie didn't regularly remember his own name let alone  a conversation a few days later


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 03, 2012, 08:32:46 AM
Doc G, ...And "Magic Johnson" wasn`t a bit of a misnomer ????? :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: wobblywalrus on March 03, 2012, 09:20:48 AM
Beds do not have posts anymore.  It is a shame.  Lots of relationships were tied up and consumated on those old wonders.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on March 17, 2012, 08:18:46 AM
This is from my sister in Berg, Switzerland:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it...

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an axxhole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'axxhole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an axxhole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'axxhole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an axxhole!' And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first axxhole (I had
his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW axxhole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax.
It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an axxhole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two axxholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called axxhole #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, 'You're an axxhole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Axxhole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow
ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, axxhole,' and hung up.

Then I called Axxhole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, axxhole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your axx'

I answered, 'Well, axxhole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on
my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two axxholes beating the crap out of
each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and
surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.
 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: gearheadeh on March 17, 2012, 10:25:02 AM
Wow Jon ....That is a good one!
I felt obligated to read it to my wife, she said it was both funny and TWISTED   :evil:

 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on March 17, 2012, 10:50:37 AM
An, to follow that one, here's a video clip from lee (said sister in Switz):

http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/138148/detail/


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 21, 2012, 08:08:24 PM
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back..

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on March 22, 2012, 08:23:02 AM
No, no, no -- fine with the silly jokes, but too much with political/racial slurs.  Sorry, but let's not have them.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 22, 2012, 09:12:44 AM
No, no, no -- fine with the silly jokes, but too much with political/racial slurs.  Sorry, but let's not have them.

#450 & #452 aren't ???


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on March 22, 2012, 09:47:11 AM
Mike, you've got a valid point - and one well worth considering.  But then - this being a race website I don't want to belabor any point too much.

The 450 & 452 posts do, indeed, involve political figures - but of the past vs. today's active political world.  I'll guess that I would use that difference to explain why I didn't object to the posts.  It was bad enough back in the Reagan days, but things sure seem far more vitriolic now that in the 70s -- at least when it comes to politicians (albeit way more "humor genres", too).  Maybe I could justify my action is defining the no political jokes attitude to be no jokes referring to current officeholders and those who aspire to be elected.

But then - maybe that's too fine a line to draw.  I don't want to be too picky and make any of the Forum members think I'm showing off how fast I can use my delete button ( as has happened in the past, even on subjects that did relate to racing).

So - I guess I'll try to be more open-minded about what qualifies to be in the joke & humor threads, and hope that all of us will be.  Let's not get a big discussion going here, okay?  If you feel the need for more talk about this -- send me a PM or an email.  Thanks.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Cereal KLR on March 22, 2012, 03:38:07 PM
It was my joke, in poor taste and a good call for removal, so no harm/foul.

So with that in mind..this should be better.



A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No Subaru, what law firm do you work for?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on March 30, 2012, 12:28:50 PM
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"  :x


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 02, 2012, 09:22:39 AM
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

"I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

"Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

"After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No..........I'm a rabbit in Arizona"   :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 08, 2012, 01:10:39 PM
(http://cache.bordom.net/server/?type=image&size=full&id=aHR0cDovL2NhY2hlLmJvcmRvbS5uZXQvc3VibWl0dGVkLzRmNzkxZmMwNzFkMzNfcGhvdG8uanBn)

 :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on April 08, 2012, 02:45:07 PM
That reminds me I'm craving wings and beer... :cheers:
thanks Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 23, 2012, 09:06:36 PM
SCAM ALERT!

Please be careful. I have become victim of a clever scam. This happened to me and it could happen to you.
The victims are always male.

Here's how the scam works.
Two seriously good good-looking 18 year old girls knock on your door.
They both start wiping windows with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to the bus stop.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start to have sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet!

My wallet was stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again Saturday, yesterday, and most likely tomorrow!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Captthundarr on April 23, 2012, 09:47:50 PM
Can't wait to get my wallet stolen :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on April 24, 2012, 08:16:46 AM
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police DUI check point but as it was a bus, they waved it through without stopping.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Cajun Kid on April 25, 2012, 09:34:20 PM
Now that was funny ....


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on August 16, 2012, 08:29:46 AM
English lesson for today.  Oklahoma is not pronouned  O-klahoma. It`s Okla-homa. There is a big gap in the middle.       See? :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on August 16, 2012, 06:04:39 PM
English lesson for today.  Oklahoma is not pronouned  O-klahoma. It`s Okla-homa. There is a big gap in the middle.       See? :cheers:

Panhandler?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 17, 2012, 07:58:55 AM
A sunday school teacher was covering the origins of Easter and asks the class what they know about the resurrection. Little Jonny (sorry Slim) stands and says ..............." If it lasts more than four hours, You should see a doctor" :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 18, 2012, 09:40:36 AM
A friend of mine has taken up drinking brake fluid.....I told him it`s probably not a good thing to do , But he insists he can stop any time........................


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on December 23, 2012, 10:44:28 PM
In town recently a lawyer was arrested for running a meth lab out of his office.
I hope the fact that this guy's a lawyer doesn't send the message that somehow all meth dealers are sleaze balls.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on January 04, 2013, 12:37:32 PM
Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!” She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.” We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.” I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No baby, I don’t feel like it.” Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?” I said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either…


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Captthundarr on January 04, 2013, 01:56:00 PM
Wow, I usually don't have to put forth that much effort to"go without". :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: SaltRat on January 05, 2013, 12:20:08 PM
WHY MEN ARE  SELDOM DEPRESSED:
         
           
 Men Are  Just Happier People -- What do you  expect from such simple  creatures? Your last  name stays put. The garage  is all yours. Wedding  plans take care of themselves. Chocolate  is just another snack. You can be  President. You can  never be pregnant. You can  wear a white T-shirt to a water  park. You can  wear NO shirt to a water park. Car  mechanics tell you the truth. The world  is your urinal. You never  have to drive to another gas station restroom because  this one is just too icky. You don't  have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a  bolt. Same work,  more pay. Wrinkles  add character. Wedding  dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People  never stare at your chest when you're talking to  them. New shoes  don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood  all the  time. Phone  conversations are over in 30 seconds  flat. You know  stuff about tanks. A five-day  vacation requires only one  suitcase. You can  open all your own  jars. You get  extra credit for the slightest act of  thoughtfulness. If someone  forgets to invite you, He or she  can still be your friend. Your  underwear is  $8.95 for a  three-pack. Three pairs  of shoes are more than enough.. You almost  never have strap problems in  public. You are  unable to see wrinkles in your  clothes.. Everything  on your face stays its original  color. The same  hairstyle lasts for years, maybe  decades. You only  have to shave your face and neck. You can  play with toys all your life. One wallet  and one pair of shoes -- one color for all  seasons. You can  wear shorts no matter how your legs  look. You can  'do' your nails with a pocket  knife. You have  freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.  You can do  Christmas shopping for 25  relatives On December  24 in 25 minutes. No wonder  men are happier. Send this  to the women who can handle it And to the  men who will enjoy reading it.  Men Are Just  Happier People           
          NICKNAMES
         ·          If Laura,  Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each  other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
         ·          If Mike,  Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer  to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .
         
          EATING  OUT
         ·          When the  bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in  $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of  them will have anything smaller and none will actually  admit they want change  back.
         ·          When the  girls get their bill, out come the pocket  calculators.
         
          MONEY
         ·          A man will  pay $2 for a $1 item he  needs.
         ·          A woman will  pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on  sale.
         
          BATHROOMS
         ·          A man has  six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,  shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel.
         ·          The average  number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is  337.  A man would not be able to identify more  than 20 of these  items.
         
          ARGUMENTS
         ·          A woman has  the last word in any  argument.
         ·          Anything a  man says after that is the beginning of a new  argument.
         
          FUTURE
         ·          A woman  worries about the future until she gets a  husband.
         ·          A man never  worries about the future until he gets a  wife.
         
           
          MARRIAGE
         ·          A woman  marries a man expecting he will change, but he  doesn't.
         ·          A man  marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but  she  does.
         
          DRESSING  UP
         ·          A woman will  dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the  trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the  mail.
         ·          A man will  dress up for weddings and  funerals.
         
          NATURAL
         ·          Men wake up  as good-looking as they went to  bed.
         ·          Women  somehow deteriorate during the  night.
         
          OFFSPRING
         ·          Ah,  children  A woman knows all about her  children.  She knows about dentist appointments  and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret  fears and hopes and  dreams.
         ·          A man is  vaguely aware of some short people living in the  house.
         
           
          THOUGHT FOR  THE  DAY
         A married man  should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in  two people remembering the same  thing!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on January 29, 2013, 12:14:29 PM
Well as much as part of this belongs in the Friday thread, most of it should be here....

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: USFRAMONTE on January 29, 2013, 06:37:42 PM
I think that is acute story. 
Gave me a good laugh today, thanks Bob er..Stainless.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Ron Gibson on January 30, 2013, 10:14:53 AM
 Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave
      myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.

      They were not in my pockets or my purse. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

      Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking
      lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

      My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.

      As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking
      lot was empty.

      I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car,
      and that it had been stolen.

      Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times
      like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

      There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. He
      barked,
      "I dropped you off!"

      Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

      He retorted, "I was on my way, but I'll be delayed."
      "Why is that?" I asked.
      "Because I was pulled over by the police and now have to convince them that I didn't steal your car.
      Yep, it's the golden years.
Ron


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: doug odom on January 30, 2013, 11:32:12 AM
A guy walks into the bar and pulls out a gun.

 He says " I'm here to shoot the SOB that has been having sex with my wife".

 A voice from the back of the room yells out " YOU DIDN'T BRING ENOUGH AMMUNITION ".


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on February 14, 2013, 11:12:20 AM
Custom race car painting

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=MZIlNb4KIRk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=MZIlNb4KIRk)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Peter Jack on February 14, 2013, 11:38:09 AM
We've obviously been paying way too much for autobody work!!!  :-D :-D :-D

Pete


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on February 15, 2013, 09:00:39 AM
3rd grade teacher asks little Jon to stand and recite a sentence starting with " I"...Jon stands and says " I is..."  The teacher stops him as says " No, That would be incorrect...I am would be proper grammar" Little Jon starts over  " I AM the 9th letter of the alphabet.." :wink:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on February 24, 2013, 12:20:58 PM
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . "I've got problems.   Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me 3 times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears !"
"How much do you charge?' "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the expert.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later, he met me on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, 80 bucks a visit 3 times a week comes to 12,480 dollars a year. It is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
He told me to just cut the legs off the bed!  Ain't nobody under that bed now!"





Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Jon on February 25, 2013, 03:41:34 AM
(http://img.tapatalk.com/d/13/02/25/sa6y5ume.jpg)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: manta22 on February 25, 2013, 06:38:25 PM
That's a slightly modified version of a bogus story that has been around for at least 40 years. It always happened to a "friend".
Now it is in the newspaper??? I guess it does show you why the press has such little credibility these days. Rebecca Dudly should be promptly fired for perpetrating this canard as fact in a newspaper.

Harumph, harumph.  :x

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: wobblywalrus on February 25, 2013, 08:55:08 PM
It fooled me.  It is new for us younger guys.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on March 01, 2013, 10:14:11 AM
An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. 
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.  :-o
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake!  Leave it on the  porn channel.  You already know how to fish!"
 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: robfrey on March 04, 2013, 05:11:15 PM
Perpetual motion machine! It's brilliant!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvRzWYCZ2e0


Title: Re: Re: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on March 04, 2013, 06:56:57 PM
Perpetual motion machine! It's brilliant!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvRzWYCZ2e0

Bring one of your cats over to the dyno, I'll bring the jelly. Let's see if we can get some good numbers on this idea. Silly question, where do we put the input shaft on the transmission and Is your cat a normal GM spline?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on March 05, 2013, 12:16:18 AM
Friend just called, says he invested in a company selling to Iran,
said he thought I should buy in now
They are making land mines that look like prayer mats.  It's doing well. 
He says prophets are going through the roof!

Sorry Jerry couldn't wait for Friday so I posted here.  :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on March 05, 2013, 08:33:38 AM
Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!” She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.” We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.” I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No baby, I don’t feel like it.” Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?” I said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either…

:-D :-D :-D :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 25, 2013, 10:57:18 AM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on April 11, 2013, 10:17:01 PM
Thought this interesting tidbit should be shared

Jorge Mario Bergoglio was not the Cardinals' first choice to be the new pope, and to become Pope Francis. Their first choice was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.
 
Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting bombers until his aircraft was shot down in 1943  and he lost his left arm.  Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
 
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in.  Archbishop  Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye.  The high silver content in the mine's  air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
 
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy.  They felt that the Church would never accept.............................
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
.A one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

This was just too long for Jerry's thread


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 12, 2013, 07:43:48 AM
Not bad!!  Did you come up with that one all by yourself, Stainless?  If so I'll award you at least two gold stars on your report card for this semester.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on April 12, 2013, 08:35:13 AM
Not that sharp witted... but I'm half way there...  :roll:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 12, 2013, 09:12:38 AM
Mary was in the store when she received a phone call that her daughter had been in an accident and was in the hospital.
No broken bones, but Mary left the store in a hurry to get to the hospital.

Outside, Mary got back to the car only to discover that the keys were locked inside.

She found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. Never having tried to break into a car,
Mary said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and said, "Please God, send me help."

Just then a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded old man who was wearing an old biker skull rag got off and asked if he could help.

Mary said, "My daughter has been in an accident and I have to get to the hospital! My keys are locked in the car!"

He walked over to the car an in less than a minute the car was open.
Mary hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh thank you God, you sent me a professional!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: aircap on April 12, 2013, 11:03:54 PM
Quote
A one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

I am forwarding this bit of genius to every Catholic I know....


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on April 13, 2013, 02:34:40 AM
Great one Stainless. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: will6er on April 13, 2013, 07:56:50 PM
Stainless forgot the other unsuccessful candidate.

Father Sikola had been a priest for years, but just couldn't get a promotion.
He finally asked his Bishop what the problem was.
The Bishop said, "You have done a stellar job, but there is only one thing wrong. Just consider- if you were to move up to Monsigneur, then possibly Bishop, you could then become a Cardinal. If, God willing, you were elected the Holy Father, how would it sound if millions of Catholics were led by Pope Sikola?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 13, 2013, 08:31:47 PM
I've lived in the UP of Michigan for way too many years.  I had to read that one three or four times to figure out the joke.

(For those of you that aren't steeped in Finnish culture, there are more Finns up here than anyplace except in Finland.  And in the Finn language ALL - no exceptions - AA words are accented most strongly on the first syllable.  Ergo: What's Pope SIKK o la?). :?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: RichFox on April 13, 2013, 08:42:06 PM
Pepsi Cola?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Captthundarr on April 13, 2013, 08:47:48 PM
Ya'll sure are quick... :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 16, 2013, 08:10:56 AM
News from Grand Rapids...............A 39 year old man was found dead in the Grand River last night. He was wearing fishnet stockings, stilletto spike boots,a leather mini shirt,blonde wig ,a Detroit Lions jersey and day-glow orange lipstick.  To save his family from any humiliation...The police removed the jersey before having them view the body. :cheers:


Title: Lakester romance..... or not
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on April 16, 2013, 03:05:28 PM
Husband decides to take his lakester and spend a week, where else... Speedweek!

Lonely wife, being the romantic sort, sends her husband a text:
 
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. 
 
I love you!
 
The husband, typically non - romantic lakester type, replies, "I am in the porta pottie.  Please advise."


 
 
 
 
 
 



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 17, 2013, 09:20:18 AM
Three highley educated professional types are given a task...........determine the  area of air displaced by a red rubber ball.  The physicist places the ball in a graduated beaker half filled with water, notes the level of rise in the liquid and calculates the displacement.  The scientist measures the ball`s diameter and uses basic calculations to achieve the same number.  The engineer rolls the ball in his hands for a few moments....locates the part number and then accuses the manufacturing department of hiding his "Red rubber ball displacement chart" in an attempt to make him look bad. :cheers:( much funnier if it weren`t so true)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 17, 2013, 10:07:38 AM
SCTA wanted to know how tall the flag pole was at the start line.

So they asked two roadster guys to find out. After trying to push a tape measure to the top, climbing on each other shoulders and other failed attempts,

A streamliner guy walks buy and says, "Lay it down on the ground and measure it."

The two roadster guys look at each other and one says, "Idiot, they wanted height, not length!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 17, 2013, 10:09:39 AM
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 17, 2013, 10:31:49 AM
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those a*%#holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f$@king sheet rock."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on April 17, 2013, 10:36:56 AM
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam
to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just
eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the H-D inside!"



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 17, 2013, 10:50:42 AM
By Golly......Pi  IS  3.14.................


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 17, 2013, 12:48:31 PM
God love the Aussies!

(http://www.fugly.com/media/IMAGES/Funny/viagra-fencing.jpg)

 :cheers:

Mike


Title: Press Release
Post by: ONEBADBUG on April 17, 2013, 06:32:21 PM
HARLEY DAVIDSON FACES STIFF COMPETITION FROM JOHNSON MARINE WHO INTRODUCES A NEW LINE OF MOTORCYCLES

At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson. Peter Long, Johnson's Brands Marketing Manager said, "We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers." Long added, "We at Johnson are convinced that our product hits the target dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish."

The new line of bikes, marketed under the name Big Johnson Motorcycles, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. "Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after."

At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agree. "When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson," said one Harley owner. "But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson."

Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related products. "We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson," said Long, "But image is very important to people. If they don't have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one."

Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. "I just don't see the need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson," he said. "And I can't imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this - You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you are not likely to have both."

"Given the choice," said Long, "I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson."



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: wobblywalrus on April 18, 2013, 10:06:09 PM
I am happy with my Big Johnson.  It does not start in cold weather.  Lucas electrics.  Operating costs are expensive when it is run on alcohol.  Otherwise, I do not foresee trading it in on a Harley.     


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Jon on April 19, 2013, 03:13:36 AM
Most biker's ladies would be happy with their guy's Big Johnsons, as long as they don't insist on constantly polishing it in the driveway.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 06, 2013, 04:06:17 PM
A scientist is conducting an experiment on how far a frog is able to jump. For the first trial he places the frog on the table and yells, "Jump!" The frog jumps four feet two inches.

The scientist takes out his notebook and writes in it, "With four legs, frog jumps four feet two inches.
The scientist then takes out a knife, amputates one of the frogs legs and places him back on the table. Again, he yells, "Jump!"

The frog now jumps two feet one inch. The scientist takes out his notebook and writes down, "With three legs, frog jumps two feet one inch."
The scientist takes out a knife again and amputates another leg. He places the frog back on the table and yells, "Jump!"

The frog jumps one foot. The scientist takes out his notebook and writes down, "With two legs, frog jumps one foot."
He takes out his knife and again amputates another leg. He places the frog back on the table and yells, "Jump!"

The frog jumps 5 inches. The scientist takes out his notebook and writes down, "With one leg, frog jumps 5 inches."
He takes out his knife and amputates the remaining leg of the frog. He places the frog back on the table and yells, "Jump!"

The frog doesn't move.

The scientist takes out his notebook and writes down, "Frogs with no legs are deaf."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 06, 2013, 04:07:46 PM
After extensive research, scientists have proven that if your parents didn't have any kids, chances are you won't either.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 08, 2013, 10:17:48 AM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7380715776/h4BBFF51C/)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: manta22 on May 08, 2013, 11:46:35 AM
Owww-- that hurts!

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: relaxedphit on May 10, 2013, 12:31:58 PM
Is that smoke coming off the tire? I bet the tire wasn't the only thing that locked up that day.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 10, 2013, 12:57:42 PM
Analysis, Mr. Spock.

Nice of his buddy to gas it hard in the first place and dump him off the back. He was heading for the pavement . . . if the tire didn't "save" him.

I'm real sure the tire did a good job of grinding through those thin jeans.

The backpack may have taken some of the brunt . . . and strangled him in the process.

Not to mention the vicious nut crunch. OWWOOOOO!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on May 13, 2013, 07:49:15 AM
O.K ...I`ll say it...............................Is that why those are called "Crotch Rockets"????


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 13, 2013, 09:28:10 AM
 :roll:
 Now THATS ^^^^^^^^^^ funny !!!!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: John Burk on May 13, 2013, 11:41:51 AM
That's his girlfriend .
http://youtu.be/BVpIhu3FNdk


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: rouse on May 13, 2013, 06:22:14 PM
That gives a whole new meaning to the word skid-mark  :-o


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: LSR Mike on May 20, 2013, 03:25:56 PM
Tool Descriptions...Harvested from my friends at the Mitsubishi Forum

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brakedrum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZRS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 20, 2013, 06:38:54 PM
Mike, I've seen that one -- and others like it -- many, many times.  And yet -- I still get a big smile and chuckle a few times when I read through.  Thanks.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on May 22, 2013, 01:18:41 PM
This guy is at work and injures himself......He calls home a tells the wife that he cut his finger off in a punch press...His wife exclaims  ..." The whole finger"???...The guy replies ..." No.......The one next to it..." :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Freud on May 24, 2013, 03:40:43 PM
Do we really need two humor pages?

FREUD


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: SaltRat on May 24, 2013, 05:11:06 PM
Is two enough?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: relaxedphit on May 28, 2013, 12:43:28 PM
We need two avatar pages. I couldn't start one, they alredy have a "people of walmart" site


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on May 31, 2013, 06:34:38 AM
Do we really need two humor pages?

FREUD
Wait until I start my build diary.................................. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Freud on May 31, 2013, 12:21:33 PM
floydjer, will it be in the humor section?

FREUD


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on May 31, 2013, 12:58:02 PM
Dan...Not intentionaly :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 05, 2013, 11:51:09 AM
Not a joke , But humorous none the less.......................I went to Autozone for a weed-whacker spark plug....25 yr.old counter fella asks if I need anything else..."Hmmm..How about wheel cyl. kits for my 1940 Ford 2 dr. sedan" ?...He scrolls for a while...then a while longer ..Then asks " 1/2 ton or 3/4 ton"?  " No,no " I say......" Two door sedan"  (yes I know that Ford used the same chassis from `35 `til `41 on the cars and pick-ups)  He looked at me as only a saddened parent could and said ...matter of factly...." Ford did not make cars in 1940".....Good grief :roll:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Captthundarr on June 05, 2013, 12:56:26 PM
And thats our future leadership speaking..... :-o


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on June 05, 2013, 01:24:18 PM
Jerry, I'll assume that the book didn't go back that far -- and that's why the young lad said that Ford didn't make cars back then.  If it ain't in the book then it don't exist and never did - right?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 05, 2013, 01:30:03 PM
S-3...No, The computer showed trucks back to `39....So he knew there were Ford trucks then...They just didn`t build cars yet :?  ( guess I need to get 5 titles ammended to show the correct years)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stan Back on June 05, 2013, 02:42:27 PM
Laughed out loud at that one.

On another note - hmmmmmmmmm.  Try fitting the '35 to '38 wheel cylinders on a Forty!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on June 05, 2013, 03:42:51 PM
Jerry, I'll assume that the book didn't go back that far -- and that's why the young lad said that Ford didn't make cars back then.  If it ain't in the book then it don't exist and never did - right?

Slim, you must be old, a young lad would never use a book :-o


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on June 05, 2013, 03:51:47 PM
Older than you, Mr. Pipsqueak. :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: gearheadeh on June 05, 2013, 05:31:09 PM
Older than you, Mr. Pipsqueak. :-D

My ,my, what a difference TWO years makes   :-o

 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 05, 2013, 06:33:07 PM
Laughed out loud at that one.

On another note - hmmmmmmmmm.  Try fitting the '35 to '38 wheel cylinders on a Forty!
"The safety of steel, From the pedal to the wheel" eh Stan :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 22, 2013, 04:05:17 PM
what does it mean when you find a horse shoe?????  It means that a horse is walking around in his socks.   ( couldn`t wait for friday)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bucketlist on June 28, 2013, 01:07:05 AM
I recalled a remark from an SCCA publication long ago about the timing crew:

These are the souls that time men's tries.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 28, 2013, 11:08:11 AM
Going to Auto-Zone to get a belt for the lawn edger.....Wish me luck. :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on June 28, 2013, 12:16:06 PM
Jerry, I spent a couple of minutes on that one -- and can't find the joke.  Where is it? :?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 28, 2013, 01:27:30 PM
Same people that told me....Matter of factly...That Ford didn`t build cars in 1940.      " Make, model and engine?"   Uh...It`s for my lawn edger...............Blam..Head explodes :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Captthundarr on June 28, 2013, 01:34:18 PM
Jerry, kind of like, Went to Advance Auto for a belt for my....... LMAO. They just let in mill through the parts til I find what I want. :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on June 28, 2013, 01:37:27 PM
Oh.  I've never used a lawn edge, 'specially a 1940 Ford model. :?  Sorry. . .


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 28, 2013, 01:47:13 PM
Reminds of the time I went to NAPA  to get a belt for the drill press..........." I need a v-belt in this width, Onlt 1 1/2 - 2 inches longer"   Counter guy " If you give me the make ,model and year...I can give you the exact replacement"   Me..." It`s a 1937 Atlas Model 324 drill press"     Counter guy..." How long did you need that" ?  Me (being my usual smart a$$ self)  " I`ll need it for a long time...It`s going on my drill press"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 11, 2013, 02:08:28 PM
Why did the Rat-Rod builder cross the road????...Because the weld broke where he had attached the galvanized pipe fitting to the rusty, bent crow bar he used for a drag link :)  ( not a big fan of rat rods)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: manta22 on July 11, 2013, 07:06:20 PM
Reminds of the time I went to NAPA  to get a belt for the drill press..........." I need a v-belt in this width, Onlt 1 1/2 - 2 inches longer"   Counter guy " If you give me the make ,model and year...I can give you the exact replacement"   Me..." It`s a 1937 Atlas Model 324 drill press"     Counter guy..." How long did you need that" ?  Me (being my usual smart a$$ self)  " I`ll need it for a long time...It`s going on my drill press"

It's like asking for an endless belt, 28" long.... :-D

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 12, 2013, 07:06:32 AM
Q:  Why are there all of those people named "Widdison" in the phone book?

A:  Because they've all got telephones.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 12, 2013, 07:08:43 AM
Wrong thread Jon.................................................. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 12, 2013, 09:16:43 AM
Hunh?  What'd I do wrong? :?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 12, 2013, 09:48:00 AM
well,...It`s friday and that joke was little on the.............................. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stan Back on July 12, 2013, 04:31:12 PM
Perhaps if you diagram it  . . . ?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 12, 2013, 07:03:19 PM
I thought the diaphragm was for ladies that don't want to get pregnant, or is part of a speaker for the hi-fi.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: johnneilson on July 13, 2013, 11:45:21 AM
no, isn't the diaphram in a lucas fuse to guarantee it leaks oil


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 13, 2013, 12:30:11 PM
...Alexander Diaphram Bell ????


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on August 04, 2013, 10:09:48 AM
A first grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal,

"Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry, after a moment "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Harry: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut" Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Harry: "Bubblegum" Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer... Harry: "Shake hands". Ms. Brooks: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?" Harry: "Yep". Ms. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do". Harry: "Tent" Ms. Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first". The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Harry: "Wedding Ring" Ms. Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good". Harry: "Nose" Ms. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver". Harry: "Arrow" Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Fire truck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Harry to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on August 07, 2013, 09:52:28 AM
My wife calls me gullible and financially irresponsible.

HAH! I can't wait to see her face when she hears I won the Nigerian Lottery!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on August 12, 2013, 09:57:15 AM
A Roman Soldier walks in to a bar, holds up two fingers and says " Five beers please"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: FADED on August 12, 2013, 06:26:30 PM
A dislexic man walked into a bra..................

My friend is addicted to brake fluid, he sez he can stop at any time


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Freud on August 30, 2013, 10:55:06 PM

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
 
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

 
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly

embarrassed and moved to another table.

 
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and
 
said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.

I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
 
 
The guy then responded with a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH!"

 
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: manta22 on August 31, 2013, 12:07:10 PM
A Roman Soldier walks in to a bar, holds up two fingers and says " Five beers please"

A Greek soldier walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says "I think you mean a "martini". The Greek soldier says "If I wanted two, I'd ask!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bucketlist on September 01, 2013, 01:34:50 AM
While we're on the subject of numbers -

There are 10 kinds of people, those who understand binary numbers and those who don't.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 24, 2013, 12:33:28 PM
My neighbor knocked on the front door at 3 this morning....................Fortunately I was still up practicing on my bagpipes................


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on September 24, 2013, 12:50:20 PM
My neighbor knocked on the front door at 3 this morning....................Fortunately I was still up practicing on my bagpipes................

Ever notice how one joke can remind you of another...

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back in a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you fooling around for? Hurry up and play the Dodge thing!"

The octopus says "Play it? If I can figure out how to get its pyjamas off I'm gonna make love to it!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 24, 2013, 12:59:05 PM
I was standing at an ATM when this little old lady asked if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over. :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on September 24, 2013, 02:57:29 PM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you
know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Freud on September 24, 2013, 03:22:01 PM
Rob, I'm happy that you weren't on the road to Bendover.

Had you been we wouldn't have had that last joke to laugh about.

FREUD


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 25, 2013, 07:38:52 AM
I saw a poor elderly lady fall and knock herself out  in a parking lot last night.....I know she was poor because she only had $ 1. 56 in her purse................................. :evil: :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 25, 2013, 07:55:50 AM
I think it`s just awful that Lance Armstrong is being mis-treated by the press and public. Heck, he won the Tour de France  7 times while using drugs.......Back when I was using drugs, I couldn`t even find my f`n bike...................... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: USFRAMONTE on September 25, 2013, 09:01:38 AM
Once again Jerry moves to the head of the class.....oh wait a second.....I ment to say he is still at the
head of the class.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on September 25, 2013, 05:17:20 PM
I'm trying to figure out why they mine potash at the salt flats... shouldn't they move their operation to Colorado or Washington  :roll:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Elmo Rodge on September 25, 2013, 05:25:19 PM
I'm trying to figure out why they mine potash at the salt flats... shouldn't they move their operation to Colorado or Washington  :roll:

You're thinking of pot ash. Two words.  :wink: Wayno


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 26, 2013, 09:35:45 AM
I'm trying to figure out why they mine potash at the salt flats... shouldn't they move their operation to Colorado or Washington  :roll:

Then they`d have to transport it...can`t use open trailers..Probably use reefers............


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 26, 2013, 09:36:22 AM
..............To take it to their joint.......................


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 26, 2013, 09:37:59 AM
....Just weeding out the bad puns................


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 26, 2013, 09:47:40 AM
How many stoners does it take to change a light bulb???.... Who cares...i have a lighter anyway................... :mrgreen:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 26, 2013, 09:50:07 AM
Sorry if I seem blunt...That`s just how I roll...........................


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on September 26, 2013, 10:04:17 AM
I'm trying to figure out why they mine potash at the salt flats... shouldn't they move their operation to Colorado or Washington  :roll:

Then they`d have to transport it...can`t use open trailers..Probably use reefers............

I'd bet the drivers name would be herb.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on September 26, 2013, 10:06:38 AM
floydjer's pretty good at this, not one of his puns were half baked.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 26, 2013, 10:16:04 AM
I'm trying to figure out why they mine potash at the salt flats... shouldn't they move their operation to Colorado or Washington  :roll:

Then they`d have to transport it...can`t use open trailers..Probably use reefers............

I'd bet the drivers name would be herb.
And they`d be double-jointed


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: USFRAMONTE on September 26, 2013, 10:17:15 AM
That is the reason we all refer to him as our "Bud".


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 26, 2013, 10:24:15 AM
Couldn`t leaf it alone could you Monte ???


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: USFRAMONTE on September 26, 2013, 10:50:16 AM
Jerry and the rest of you miscreants, you have me laughing hard enough that I'm all twisted up.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 26, 2013, 11:18:05 AM
Do fish party with sea weed???


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on September 26, 2013, 11:22:20 AM
Jerry, that might be one toke over the line...  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 26, 2013, 01:13:49 PM
Reminds me of the two stoners headed home  along the rail road tracks after a party...One says ' Man, these are the longest stairs I`ve ever seen" The other replies " At least we have a rail to hold on to ....."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 26, 2013, 01:15:39 PM
Jerry, that might be one toke over the line...  :cheers:
You hooked me with that one.....It was on a whole ` nother scale...........................


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Elmo Rodge on September 26, 2013, 05:52:56 PM
Jerry, that might be one toke over the line...  :cheers:
Like this?  8-) You want watch the Lawrence Welk one.
http://search.yahoo.com/search;_ylt=AuPHhZL6UY0ny4Q9n396opabvZx4;_ylc=X1MDMjAyMzUzODA3NQRfcgMyBGJjawM4ZzIwZDRoOTQ1c2ZzJTI2YiUzRDQlMjZkJTNENl94T1lIRnBZRUo5cjd4Q3M4STZTQVVMel9OQzhtU0l1RU1MaHctLSUyNnMlM0RlMiUyNmklM0Q5ZlFJYk1Ccl9oNDZBdmVFUU9YSQRmcgN5ZnAtdC0xNDUEZnIyA3NhLWdwBGdwcmlkA25IdHluaEZzUmZDYk5VWHguUVNaa0EEbl9zdWdnAzEwBG9yaWdpbgN3d3cueWFob28uY29tBHBvcwMxBHBxc3RyA09uZSB0b2tlIARwcXN0cmwDOQRxc3RybAMyMgRxdWVyeQNvbmUgdG9rZSBvdmVyIHRoZSBsaW5lBHRfc3RtcAMxMzgwMjM1ODM1OTc3?p=one+toke+over+the+line&toggle=1&cop=mss&ei=UTF-8&fr=yfp-t-145


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on September 26, 2013, 06:49:48 PM
Jerry, that might be one toke over the line...  :cheers:
Like this?  8-) You want watch the Lawrence Welk one.
http://search.yahoo.com/search;_ylt=AuPHhZL6UY0ny4Q9n396opabvZx4;_ylc=X1MDMjAyMzUzODA3NQRfcgMyBGJjawM4ZzIwZDRoOTQ1c2ZzJTI2YiUzRDQlMjZkJTNENl94T1lIRnBZRUo5cjd4Q3M4STZTQVVMel9OQzhtU0l1RU1MaHctLSUyNnMlM0RlMiUyNmklM0Q5ZlFJYk1Ccl9oNDZBdmVFUU9YSQRmcgN5ZnAtdC0xNDUEZnIyA3NhLWdwBGdwcmlkA25IdHluaEZzUmZDYk5VWHguUVNaa0EEbl9zdWdnAzEwBG9yaWdpbgN3d3cueWFob28uY29tBHBvcwMxBHBxc3RyA09uZSB0b2tlIARwcXN0cmwDOQRxc3RybAMyMgRxdWVyeQNvbmUgdG9rZSBvdmVyIHRoZSBsaW5lBHRfc3RtcAMxMzgwMjM1ODM1OTc3?p=one+toke+over+the+line&toggle=1&cop=mss&ei=UTF-8&fr=yfp-t-145

ROTFLMAO!

I can just hear Lawrence -

"We needa geta songa dat'll reacha the youngsters".

So - it's Jerry's Birthday, and this whole thread has gone to pot.

Some people might say it's all coincidence.  :roll:



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: manta22 on September 26, 2013, 07:54:47 PM
Wunnerful, wunnerful. Turn off the bubble machine....



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dr Goggles on September 26, 2013, 08:06:13 PM
Bogart and craft :roll:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on September 26, 2013, 08:19:34 PM
Wunnerful, wunnerful. Turn off the bubble machine....



Is THAT what that was -

I heard the gurgling sound, but after the smoke cleared, all I saw was Star Trek on the TV and a half eaten bag of Cheetos . . .

 :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: manta22 on September 26, 2013, 09:16:22 PM
Wunnerful, wunnerful. Turn off the bubble machine....



Is THAT what that was -

I heard the gurgling sound, but after the smoke cleared, all I saw was Star Trek on the TV and a half eaten bag of Cheetos . . .

 :-D

Obviously, Stan Freeburg had been there.............



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Elmo Rodge on September 26, 2013, 10:17:13 PM
Wunnerful, wunnerful. Turn off the bubble machine....



Is THAT what that was -

I heard the gurgling sound, but after the smoke cleared, all I saw was Star Trek on the TV and a half eaten bag of Cheetos . . .

 :-D

Obviously, Stan Freeburg had been there.............
With Saint George and the Dragonet.  :-D Wayno


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 27, 2013, 07:02:39 AM
We shouldn`t make jokes about pot....It does have two known side effects......Memory loss and  ......I forgot what the other one is. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 27, 2013, 07:03:48 AM
Oh yeah........It`s memory loss. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: relaxedphit on September 27, 2013, 11:34:27 AM
Who needed MTV? We did just fine with Jimi, Stones and Zepplin while watching that adjust your color bar on my black & white TV.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on September 28, 2013, 10:52:01 AM
Cliff Clavin on beer:

“Well, you see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it’s the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on September 28, 2013, 10:53:45 AM
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!
If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00.
If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank it, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00.

Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401- Keg Plan


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 03, 2013, 10:06:53 AM
Why is the third hand on a clock called the second hand ??? :?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: maguromic on October 03, 2013, 10:35:00 AM
Why do people always complain about loose fitting tights?  :?  Tony


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on October 03, 2013, 11:41:32 AM
Dean, you just made my day. If we ever meet a six pack is yours. :cheers: If you drink beer?.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 03, 2013, 12:23:19 PM
Why do we sing " Take me out to the ball game " when we are already there??...And why are they called "stands" when you use them to sit???....................How did Webster know the  correct spelling of all those words????? :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: wobblywalrus on October 07, 2013, 07:44:15 PM
On the lunch room table at work...


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on October 07, 2013, 11:53:03 PM
Nice one Bo. :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on October 09, 2013, 04:14:54 PM
The folks at the National Weather Service want to get paid too.

(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7841392128/h42405F51/)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Podunk on October 15, 2013, 06:28:30 PM
Dean,
Are you sure it was Cliff that said beer makes you smarter? Sure sounds like my brother inlaw.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: will6er on October 15, 2013, 09:31:20 PM
Well- it made Bud wiser.

Will


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: jimmy six on October 17, 2013, 10:40:57 AM
Not too funy but it will make you laugh if you have never heard it


As a child growing up in Texas ...


Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little bad- Acura compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down?
Tough sumbich..

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head...

I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.

So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?

You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.

Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH S--T! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh S--t.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture.
Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-b--ch got up and ran off..

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my
Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport
having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. Dodge IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.


I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good
discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

~Author Unknown


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on October 17, 2013, 11:07:07 AM
That's excellent Jimmy.  Thanks man. :-D :-D :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on October 17, 2013, 02:33:51 PM
True story:  when I was 8 or 11 or so we had a big elm tree in the backyard (at the farm) cut.  The thing was at least three feet in diameter, and once the tree was gone the stump acted unmoveable.  So we'd build fires on it and hope to eventually burn it out.  One time I had started the fire - garbage, I presume - and put a nearly-empty paint rattle can in the fire.  A few minutes later I was witness to an exciting display of how to blow the end out of a paint cannister.  Sure was a good thing that Dad wasn't home and Mom was used to my "adventures".

The preceding is a true story.  Some day I'll tell you of rebuilding the motor from a vacuum cleaner -- using gasoline for a solvent.  Maybe I should have let the gas evaporate more before I reassembled and turned it on.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: wobblywalrus on October 17, 2013, 08:49:26 PM
In my younger days, actually when I was an adult, I did this.  I was going to buy a bullet mold for my new 44 revolver.  Melting down old lead pipe to make bullets was cheaper than buying them.  I got one of the bullets for my 45 and hammered it a half inch down the exit end of the barrel.  I was going to measure it with a micrometer to to get its diameter so I could order a mold.  I could not get the bullet out of the barrel.  A brilliant idea came to mind.  I will simply load a chamber and shoot it out.  Yea, right.  It shot out just great and blew up the end of the barrel.  Man, it was loud.  About an inch of the barrel near the chambers was still good so I sawed off the bad section and had a snub nose special.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: relaxedphit on October 18, 2013, 12:05:17 PM
Not funny I know, but for you precise types, Bill Ruger knew that reloaders were going to go all out with his Super Blackhawk .44 and over bored the barrels. IHMSA shooters were not getting acceptable SD's from their loads nor accuracy. When several were slugged with pure plumbers lead, the bores averaged from 0.431 -0.432. This was back in the early 70's and may have changed, but that was why so many competitors went to the Dan Wesson .375 magnum for revolver class (and no that's not .357).


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 25, 2013, 06:41:33 AM
Let me steer this JOKE THREAD back on topic :roll:   ...I went to Lowe`s to pick u some paint, At the check-ot the cashier looked at me and said " Strip down, Facing me"....Bad enough they need my zip code  but this ???  So there I was, Naked , And she said " No, no,no....Your debit card goes in Strip down facing me" :cheers:


Title: Re:
Post by: bbarn on October 25, 2013, 07:19:12 AM
Saw this one somplace else, it isn't about me...I swear!

Why is it when Miley Cyrus is naked and licking a sledgehammer they call it art and when I do it they tell me I am drunk and have to leave Home Depot immediately?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on October 27, 2013, 01:20:01 PM
OK, didn't know whether to put this in shop safety or this thread...
As we slowly move through retirement, we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.
 
Like the guy pictured below,
Yep I saw it right away too....
 
No safety glasses or hearing protection.

And I caught something else that is really important:
 
he has no gloves on.

Be safe out there guys


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: relaxedphit on October 30, 2013, 12:37:30 PM
That's a redneck vasectomy


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Peter Jack on October 30, 2013, 12:45:07 PM
Probably cure constipation at the same time.  :-o :-o :-D

Pete


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: rouse on October 30, 2013, 05:07:10 PM
Crab cure!!!!!! Texas style

Rouse


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Freud on October 30, 2013, 07:21:48 PM
This was smuggled in from OZ with a forged passport:


woman gets onto a bus with her baby, the  driver says " lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"...she gets her ticket and storms down the bus, as she sits down she looks terribly upset and is cooing to her young 'un, a fellow passenger asks her what is wrong. "the driver just insulted me"....The man says, "Well, you go and give him a piece of your mind while I hold your monkey"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: jimmy six on October 31, 2013, 11:42:53 AM
SENIORS & COMPUTERS...........

As we SilverSurfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
 
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
 
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
 
Eric grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.
 
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:
 
ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little Subaru head


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Podunk on November 02, 2013, 06:59:28 PM
I just told my wife the ID 10 T joke. When we stopped laughing she sez " Well, what was wrong with it?"


Title: Re:
Post by: bbarn on November 02, 2013, 07:34:02 PM
The other problem we computer people run into is the PICNIC problem...Problem In Chair Not In Computer.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on November 15, 2013, 11:03:00 AM
I hope this is the right thread. I have a 4 inch body lift on my truck and 2 days ago my truck started to shake once I got going faster than 70 and I think it's the suspension or the tires are unbalanced and since the girls are no longer paying attention to this post does anybody know any good porn sites?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 15, 2013, 02:18:43 PM
Dean, I didn't know there were any bad porn sites. :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: USFRAMONTE on November 15, 2013, 02:21:40 PM
My nieghbor lady told me the most popular guy at the nudist colony ....

is the one that can carry two cups of coffee and six donuts all at the same time.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on November 20, 2013, 10:47:46 AM
Dear Justin Bieber haters.

I owe my life to Justin.

On March 29, 2009 I was in a coma for six months after a terrible automobile accident.

One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song.

I got up from my coma and turned the damn thing off.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 22, 2013, 09:07:02 AM
Dean, I didn't know there were any bad porn sites. :evil:
  www.       ....Nevermind


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on December 05, 2013, 11:33:52 AM
Perhaps you've heard the news that some of the major shippers are now considering using drone technology to deliver packages to customers -- even residential places.  Imagine finding this on your front door some day soon:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on December 06, 2013, 12:38:07 PM
Amazon drones! Ha!

The United States Postal Service responds!
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7936470528/h814D562D/)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on December 06, 2013, 12:52:43 PM
MATH IS IMPORTANT TO LAND SPEED RACING

(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7934742272/hE71627C3/)
(http://joke.qq.com/images/joke/200504/15/xhp/07.jpg)
(http://thegrandnarrative.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/sexual-math.jpg?w=680&h=511)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on December 06, 2013, 12:57:08 PM
Amazon drones! Ha!

The United States Postal Service responds!
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7936470528/h814D562D/)

Long overdue.  It's good to see the USPS has finally adopted modern material handling techniques and methods that are inherently less destructive to the product being shipped.

Now if they can only speed up the line at the Pist Office . . .


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: jimmy six on December 06, 2013, 01:57:41 PM
They could learn a lot from "punkin chunkin" :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on December 07, 2013, 02:20:57 PM
My kid and I built a trebuchet years ago. If you are unfamiliar with that word, two things. One, I feel sorry for you. Two, a catapult directly launches a projectile.
A trebuchet uses a rope or cable to slingshot around the fulcrum arm to amplify distance.

Our first test run was in a large field. With a cantaloupe we cleared the fence and put it in some guy's back yard. :)
We took it to many a Boy Scout event. The launch weight was supplied by Boy Scout bodies standing on a platform. Much easier than transporting all that weight!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on December 14, 2013, 11:07:58 AM
Helen was talking to Mary and asked; "Gee Mary why did you have so many kids?

Mary said; "it's because I'm hard of hearing."

"You had six kids because you're hard of hearing?"

Marty would come home late and drunk.
He would hop into bed, slap me on the ass and say; "You want to sleep or what?"
And I'd say; "What?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on December 15, 2013, 10:16:41 AM
A student asked his English professor, “What is the definition
of a dilemma?"
 
"The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an
example to illustrate that."
 
"Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked
young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."
 
"Who are you going to turn your back on?"
 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: jacksoni on December 15, 2013, 10:41:03 AM
Ah... a "lucky Pierre" :-o


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on December 15, 2013, 12:28:24 PM
Ahhh,,,,,"Pierre",,,, a dehydrated Frenchman.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: rouse on December 16, 2013, 09:41:52 AM
A student asked his English professor, “What is the definition
of a dilemma?"
 
"The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an
example to illustrate that."
 
"Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked
young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."
 
"Who are you going to turn your back on?"


And I thought I've been between a rock and a hard spot before :-o

Rouse
 



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on December 17, 2013, 10:37:00 AM
I see that my sweet and innocent joke thread has turned into a den of filth and perversion.  Keep up the good work !   :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on December 17, 2013, 11:03:13 AM
Jerry, I'll try
You know there are so many TV channels, and investigative reporters, each one trying to make the big story'
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

This interview went as follows:

The lady reporter:  “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said?  “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed):  “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer:  “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter:  “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer:  “I am getting to the point, Miss.”  “Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?”

End of interview.... no big time here...


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on December 17, 2013, 11:22:56 AM
 :-D :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on December 17, 2013, 10:04:30 PM
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

 So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

 He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

 Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

 "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

 That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

 He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

 Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

 The computer prints the following:

 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
 Thank you for shopping @ Costco!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on December 18, 2013, 11:05:30 AM
A student asked his English professor, “What is the definition
of a dilemma?"
 
"The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an
example to illustrate that."
 
"Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked
young woman on one side and a gay man on the other."
 
"Who are you going to turn your back on?"
 


Ain't that life for ya? You try to do the right thing, and you STILL wind up taking it in the . . .


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Freud on December 19, 2013, 12:23:50 PM
Posting a day early but if you are patient you can wait for Friday to open this.

It is FUNNY.

He bought a JEEP.

Enjoy this.
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?feature=player_detailpage&v=fybch3DX8c8

FREUD


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Peter Jack on December 19, 2013, 01:52:25 PM
That IS funny.

You're okay with the calendar police on this thread Freud. The one where you can get into serious trouble is the one that's specifically labled as the Friday joke thread.  :-D :-D :-D

Pete


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Freud on December 19, 2013, 06:34:25 PM
Our humidity is so high that the sand in my hour glass is sluggish.

Glad to know about that violent humor page.

FREUD


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on December 20, 2013, 12:56:26 PM
 :roll:
^^^^^^ Maybe thats how day light savings came about ? 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: robfrey on December 21, 2013, 03:42:02 PM
I love to go to the park and watch children run around because they have no idea I'm using blanks.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on January 10, 2014, 12:10:48 PM
A man walks into a bar and boasts, "I'm a wine expert.  I can tell you  everything about a wine just by tasting it." 
The bartender decides to test  him. 

After blindfolding the wine expert, the bartender pours him a glass of  red wine. 
The wine expert tastes it and says, "Ah, this is a French Chateau  Lafitte-Pierre, '92, harvested during a slight drought, and the grapes were crushed by a man wearing striped trousers and bifocals." 

Impressed, the  bartender offers him a second glass of wine. "This is an Italian wine, a Pinot  Grigio, '94, a small vineyard near the coast, and the grapes were harvested during the full moon."
The testing goes on and on, with the expert offering  more and more details about each wine he tastes. 

The bartender becomes  irritated and decides to play a trick on the wine expert. Hurrying outside, he  fills a glass with urine from his horse, then rushes back into the bar and offers it to the wine expert.  The wine expert tastes it, then spits it out.  "Ptoo! Ugh! This is nothing but urine!" 

The bartender  replies, "Yeah, but whose?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Ron Gibson on January 18, 2014, 11:25:49 AM
Subject: Women's Acura Size Study
 
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting.
 
            30% of women think their Acura is too fat,
           10% of women think their Acura is too skinny
            the remaining 60% say don't care, they
love him, he is a good man and wouldn't trade him for the world.

Ron


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on February 01, 2014, 11:48:28 AM
And you think you are absolutely dedicated to what you do . . .

(http://media.miamiherald.com/smedia/2014/01/31/18/24/39-1aFDUF.St.55.jpeg)
Quote
MECHANICSBURG, Ohio -- An Ohio man's family has fulfilled his dying wish — to be buried astride his beloved Harley-Davidson motorcycle encased in a see-through casket.

But it wasn't easy. The project required an extra-large cemetery plot to accommodate a Plexiglas casket for Billy Standley and his hulking custom-painted 1967 Electra Glide cruiser. Five embalmers worked to prepare his body with a metal back brace and straps to ensure he'll never lose his seat.

Standley's family said he'd been talking about it for years and liked to take people to the garage to show off the unusual casket his two sons had built for him. He told people he didn't just want to ride off to heaven, he wanted the world to see him do it in the big see-through box.
"He was a quirky man," daughter Dorothy Brown said. "But when it comes to us kids, he loved us, he raised us well and, of course, we wanted to help him."

The Dayton Daily News (http://bit.ly/1dS4hsq ) reported that Standley, of Mechanicsburg, west of Columbus, died of lung cancer Sunday at age 82. He was buried Friday.

Newspaper photos of the prepared casket showed Standley with his eyes closed astride the big bike. He was dressed in black leathers, a white helmet and glasses, his gloved hands grasping the handlebars.

Standley told his family his motorcycle helped him retain his sense of adventure after he settled down to raise four children, which was quite a compromise for the man who made his start at 13 as ranch hand and rodeo rider.

He started the project himself, buying three extra burial plots next to his wife, Lorna. His sons, Pete and Roy, fashioned the casket out of Plexiglas, reinforcing the bottom with wood and steel rods to handle the extra weight.

Enlisting the help of Vernon Funeral Homes, Standley ensured his funeral would be held outside, so all his biker friends could watch his final ride.
His family agreed the processional to the cemetery might be considered a little bizarre, even shocking.
"He'd done right by us all these years, and at least we could see he goes out the way he wanted to," Pete Standley said.

Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2014/01/31/3904702/ohio-man-will-be-buried-astride.html#storylink=cpy


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: theazoldcrow on February 01, 2014, 12:00:24 PM
 :? And just why is this considered a "joke" ?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 01, 2014, 12:48:05 PM
While putting the story of the guy on his H-D forever in the joke thread might be considered by some to be an insult to the memory of the fellow, I'd say that the story is pretty much an example of "theater of the absurd", and that makes it worthy of being posted here.  Yes, it could have been put in the Passings thread, but since the guy wasn't an LSR guy -- I think this is as good as any.  Shall we contact his family and see if they're hurt/insulted?  I'd write the note if you think I should.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: manta22 on February 01, 2014, 03:34:30 PM
Similar things have happened before-- I remember a news story about a woman who died and in her will it specified that "...she was to be buried in her Ferrari, dressed in her favorite nightgown, sitting behind the wheel with the seat adjusted to a comfortable position."

Then there is the inscription on a grave marker in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, AZ:

"Here lies Lester Moore

Four slugs from a forty-four

No less, no more"

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: stwheeler on February 01, 2014, 04:18:51 PM
Subject:  FATHER

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore
his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.
 
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear a condom . . . and put your pants on
backwards instead of your collar.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on February 01, 2014, 06:27:43 PM
An oldie, but appropriate today, I think:

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.  As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.  He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

"No," the man replied.  "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the first man.  "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.  I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.  This will be the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.  That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man sadly shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."


 :cheers:   :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on February 07, 2014, 10:07:36 AM
The Australian Ventriloquist

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into the village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yes"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a liar!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Freud on February 07, 2014, 10:45:10 PM
barn........is that what you told that girl that you photograffed in your car at GNRS?

My hearing is going away and I couldn't catch all of it.

FREUD


Title: Re:
Post by: bbarn on February 08, 2014, 11:44:25 AM
Freud, I told her the sheep was nervous!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on February 26, 2014, 12:30:41 AM
A man received the following text message from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob.  I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess something to you to get it off my chest.  I have been tapping your wife, day and night whenever you're not around.  In fact, probably more than you.  I'm not getting it at home, but that's not an excuse.  I can no longer live with the guilt so I had to tell you, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.
 
The man, anguished and feeling utterly betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, walked over to her and shot his wife and killed her.
 
A few moments later, a second text came in:
 
Dodge autocorrect.  I meant "wifi", Bob, not "wife".  Sorry.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on February 27, 2014, 08:47:54 AM
Mrs. Floydjer and I were driving home from dinner last evening and I spotted what I thought to be a cat sitting in the sub-zero slush at road`s edge. I stopped the car, Patti flung open the door and it was a baby skunk. I suggested we take the poor ,wet,cold beast home and nurse it to maturity...perhaps the wife could place it between her legs for warmth during the ride?  " What about the smell" ? she inquired...." Plug his nose...He`ll be fine" I uttered all-knowingly....................... :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 01, 2014, 08:45:33 PM
Q: How many land speed racers does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A: None. She better have that bottle open!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 05, 2014, 01:07:04 PM
Mrs. Floydjer just walked into the shop and asked if I could look at her car for her. I asked what the issue was and she replied " Water in the carburetor"  I pointed out that her car is fuel injected , But wondered how she came to the water conclusion??   " Because it`s in the pool" was her answer


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 05, 2014, 01:10:06 PM
Q: How many land speed racers does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A: None. She better have that bottle open!
Hey Dean.....In the book of Genesis  (the bible, not the rock band ) God states that "Obediant wives shall be found in all corners of the world"    Then he made the world round. Probably still laughing about that one............... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 05, 2014, 07:36:05 PM
I'm thinking this church is probably different than yours . . .

(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8086798336/hF7F9B8A4/)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 05, 2014, 07:40:04 PM
Cool find, Dean.

http://www.faithvillage.com/blogpost/7f0d49b3731a4f27b14020227ff77acb/ruth_4_strange_negotiations (http://www.faithvillage.com/blogpost/7f0d49b3731a4f27b14020227ff77acb/ruth_4_strange_negotiations)

 :cheers:   :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 06, 2014, 09:26:31 AM
You guys do know that God is a Mopar man???   Jeremiah 32-37  "....I shall drive then out in my Fury " :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 05, 2014, 08:39:57 AM
Since it's now Saturday I'll put this here instead of the Friday location:

I was walking along Clifton beach in Marquette when I came across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

I picked up the lamp and gave it a rub. A genie appeared and told me I had been granted one wish.

I thought for a moment and said, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK then, I want to die only when any American government balances its budget, eliminates its debt and stamps out corruption”

"You sneaky bastard," said the genie...............



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 07, 2014, 09:10:36 AM
Hmmmmm....Good thing you didn`t request a foot tall rooster......................... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on April 08, 2014, 07:14:50 PM
Are you referring to the "Seldom Seen" part of "Slim"?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 09, 2014, 10:01:23 AM
Are you referring to the "Seldom Seen" part of "Slim"?
uhhh...............Yes :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on April 09, 2014, 02:16:38 PM
I've had a Phd since I was 15. A pretty hard *ick :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 09, 2014, 02:24:37 PM
No kidding?? I was born with OCD....Old Car Disorder.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 09, 2014, 03:00:57 PM
Jerry, didn't you mean to say "old codger disorder"?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 10, 2014, 09:27:46 AM
Pace yourself Monte :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 10, 2014, 10:23:25 AM
Jerry, that's exactly what my wife says to me!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 10, 2014, 11:57:16 AM
Monte, did you leave off the first few words of her comment to you?  Something like "Pick up the. . ."? :roll:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 10, 2014, 01:34:54 PM
 :?..............Friday already???


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 10, 2014, 02:17:19 PM
Just warming up......trying to pace myself!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on April 17, 2014, 11:27:47 AM
Sighhh..... the frustrating life of an aging Landspeed racer

http://arloandjanis.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/1985-10-11-gauzy-blouses.gif


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: will6er on April 17, 2014, 10:37:30 PM
I have OCD and ADHD.

Everything has to be perfect...but not for long.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 18, 2014, 07:44:20 AM
No kidding?? I have C.R.A.F.T....Can`t Remember A F`n Thing.......................


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: jacksoni on April 18, 2014, 07:57:28 AM
And CRS- Can't remember s..t


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Plmkrze on April 18, 2014, 09:34:40 AM
And as you get older you get "ATF".  Afraid To Fart!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on May 06, 2014, 01:01:57 PM
You can tell alot about a woman just by looking at her hands...For example/ If she`s holding a gun? She`s probably mad about something...........


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 07, 2014, 10:55:16 AM
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of
his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where
there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big
brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking
clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his
astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the
friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked
up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped
back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly,
someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You idiot! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on May 07, 2014, 09:16:03 PM
 :-D :-D You guys are too much. You make my day.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: wobblywalrus on May 08, 2014, 12:16:07 AM
I know, Mike.  Them jokes are funny.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Freud on May 09, 2014, 01:54:17 PM
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her  youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob?s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘ Bob  how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies,Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask.  'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says,            'No, I told her I was 90.'


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 12, 2014, 10:26:52 AM
Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto.
They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on May 12, 2014, 10:30:17 PM
Between Jerry and Dean we're all set. :wink:

Good one Freud. :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 15, 2014, 06:11:58 PM
Even Duct tape can't fix stupid . . .

but it can muffle the sound!  :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on June 06, 2014, 02:39:00 PM
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?  We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't  know Jack Schitt!'  Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.   Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and  owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.  They had one son, Jack.

In  turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious  couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,  Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against  her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a  high school  dropout.

After  being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.  Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She  was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a  rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two  of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were  inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.  The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian  bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now  when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you  can  correct  them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on June 19, 2014, 08:16:38 AM
Mike:

I guess I managed to NOT read each and every post last week when you posted that one - about the Schitts.  I see that it was put up on the sixth of June.  How fitting - a joke about the Schitt family -- on the anniversary of my first wedding.  I'm amazed that you knew about it and the marriage well enough to join me in thinking about Schitt for that day. . .


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on June 19, 2014, 11:21:41 AM
So - you pull into the gas station after having a few beers - or maybe a bunch of beers.  You stop at one of the pumps and look over beside you -- and wonder if maybe you should have taken the pledge after all:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 19, 2014, 11:58:46 AM
That would freak me out if I saw it driving up ahead of me.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 19, 2014, 12:04:06 PM
What would freak you out Monte?? The truck being right side up for a change???...... :cheers:  ( Kidding...calm down) JB


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: salt27 on June 19, 2014, 01:00:38 PM
So - you pull into the gas station after having a few beers - or maybe a bunch of beers.  You stop at one of the pumps and look over beside you -- and wonder if maybe you should have taken the pledge after all:


Must be an Australian import, when did Goggles get here.   :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on June 20, 2014, 07:32:30 AM
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?  We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't  know Jack Schitt!'  Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.   Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and  owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.  They had one son, Jack.

In  turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious  couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,  Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against  her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a  high school  dropout.

After  being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.  Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She  was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a  rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two  of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were  inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.  The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian  bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now  when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you  can  correct  them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt



Is Jack Schitt any relation to Tuff Schitt?  

Tuff was a popular athlete until an admiring fan got in his face one day
and Tuff punched the idolizing fan causing his popularity to swiftly declined
(hence the ensuing expressions - when the Schitt hit the fan!-)

That’s what I heard anyway, I don’t really know Jack Schitt.



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Ron Gibson on June 20, 2014, 08:00:54 AM
 I think Tuff was a grandson of Jacks by Giva's second marriage and his wife Igota Schitt.


Ron


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 20, 2014, 09:16:48 AM
Or his second cousin the Minister....Holy s....... :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on June 20, 2014, 11:24:36 AM
Pisa Schitt's Italian father, Tony, is an automobile manufacturer.  To honor his daughter's marriage, he renamed his vehicles: he now officially builds Schitt boxes.

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 24, 2014, 09:12:20 AM
How do you catch an elephant?????   First, Dig a big hole. Next, Line the hole with peas and fill it with ashes.  When the elephant stops to take a pea...Kick him in the ash hole. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 04, 2014, 05:15:21 PM
HAPPY JULY 4 EVERYONE.................. This  terrorist blows himself up and (somehow) ends up in heaven, Just as he clears the Pearly Gate,A large group of old white guys gather around him in a circle and George Washington walks over and kicks him in the nuts.  He crashes to the ground then Thomas Jefferson kicks him in the head and Alexander Hamilton starts wailing on him with a stick....The terrorist cries out " You cannot do this....where are my 72 virgins"??   George Washington smiles and says " Virgins??...No son..You get 72 VIRGINIANS" :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Ron Gibson on July 07, 2014, 04:21:46 PM


 Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in > Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have > some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can!  Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the > Piggly Wiggly  grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made > a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.  So we gave him his > two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

Limit all US politicians to two terms.


 One in office


Ron

 One in prison




 Illinois already does this.






Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: SaltRat on July 25, 2014, 09:21:21 PM

Hi kids, this from a friend in Texas . . .yeah, it could happen.  You may have a favorite state to substitute for Arkansas . . .

   

      Lost in Arkansas
     
     Bob a young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

     Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmer’s house and decided this would be a good place to start.

     He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Jack) agreed to answer his questions.

     Bob asked farmer Jack what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Jack replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”;

     “I can’t print that,” said Bob the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Jack thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a real good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.”;

     Again Bob knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Jack, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”

   Farmer Jack hung his head and replied,“Well, I got lost once".


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on July 25, 2014, 10:48:49 PM
(http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee171/4-BarrelMike/Miscellaneous%20stuff/rotfl.gif)

Mike :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on July 26, 2014, 11:13:07 AM
Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man said, "Whatcha got there son?" Johnny said, "Got me some chicken wire." "Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son?" asked the old man. "Gonna catch me some chickens!" said Johnny. "You cant catch chickens with chicken wire!" said the oldster. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street. About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old mans front porch . . . with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes. About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old mans porch. "Whatcha got now son?" "Got me some duct tape." "And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?" the old man asked. "Gonna catch me some ducks!" "You cant catch ducks with duct tape!" said the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking. About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief. About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch. "Whatcha got now son?" asked the old man. Johnny said, "Got me some pussy willow." The old man said, "WAIT RIGHT THERE WHILE I GET MY SHOES!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 26, 2014, 12:22:10 PM
Finally...I can post a joke that offends Nascar fans AND mentions one of my favorite bands...."What do Dale Earnhardt Sr. and Pink Floyd have in common???....They both had their last big hits with " The Wall" :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on July 28, 2014, 12:29:27 AM



One day a man decided to retire...





He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his life, that is, until the ship sank.




He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts.






After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rowed up to the shore.




In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed
when my fishing boat sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if
I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down
island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used
the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after
a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.


Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a tree house.





While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says
casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another
drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would
you like a Jack Daniels neat?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories,
the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom
cabinet upstairs."


No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a
swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her
blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically
positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to
sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both
been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last
time you had a really good ride? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as
tears start to form in his eyes,

!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
 "You've built a Harley  ?"



















































Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on July 28, 2014, 07:45:03 PM
The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!" She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember: youre in this together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner." The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the teacher. "I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on July 30, 2014, 12:02:40 AM
BLACK BRA size 38
This is too funny not to share
 
The Business Deal


A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge R50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him R60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of

50, and this time for R75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for R200.00 each."




...and this is why the Chinese own us!

Business is Business!
 
 

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on August 31, 2014, 07:45:05 AM
Johnboy called last night and told me this story....

"I met an older woman at the Mandalay Bay bar last
night. She looked pretty good for a 70-year-old. In fact,
she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking
she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of
beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's
Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a
mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind
began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter
might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We
drank a bit more, then she said with a wink,
'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to
her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and
shouted upstairs:



'Mom...you still awake?'"  :-o



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on August 31, 2014, 05:32:23 PM
We still had a good time :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 26, 2014, 10:33:03 AM
Just returned from my Friday breakfast with the old car guys.....Tom mentioned that his hearing is  so bad that he sleeps right through the alarm clock AND his wife`s nagging.....Bill said his cataracts are so bad that he can`t see his watch well enough to read it....Harvey mentioned that his muscles are so stiff he can`t turn his head to admire the young girls anymore.....We all agreed that at our age...... Driving around in our old cars is the only fun we have left................... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 30, 2014, 07:17:56 AM
Went to the corner store last night to get a bottle o` wine for the bride (being half in the bag helps her tolerate me)..As I  walked out...a gorgeous young woman walked over and asked  if I were interested in trading sex for liquor..." Maybe "   I said " What brand do you have " ? :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on October 15, 2014, 09:28:53 PM
Okay, it seems a little dead around here.  I guess all the rain had quenched your humorous proclivities.  
So, in order to waste as much of your time as possible, I'll give you the below link - BTW it will help if you're a fan of the Lone Ranger.
And of the evil, appetite enhancing, weed.

http://stg.do/0N3c

P.S. send any of that rain you don't want down to San Diego, okay?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: salt27 on October 15, 2014, 10:31:09 PM
Now that was funny, Thanks.   :-D :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: wobblywalrus on October 17, 2014, 09:17:52 PM
Ol Joe was ahead of his time when he wrote this one www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVyeBB1QahM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVyeBB1QahM)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: wobblywalrus on October 21, 2014, 12:48:07 AM
The stick shift.  A 21st century anti-theft device.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 28, 2014, 12:17:27 PM
I may be over thinking this...But, My doctor put me on a prescription that he says I`ll have to take for the rest of my life.....I just picked up the pills from the pharmacy and the bottle clearly says  " No re-fills'


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 28, 2014, 12:37:16 PM
Don't worry about it. 

We'll maintain Stupid Joke Friday after you're gone.  (http://i233.photobucket.com/albums/ee171/4-BarrelMike/Miscellaneous%20stuff/poke.gif)

Mike  :mrgreen:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: rouse on October 28, 2014, 04:03:03 PM
Maybe we could all learn something about this, or maybe it's just funny??

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AF9nBjgcX3E

enjoy, I did :-D :-D

Rouse


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Peter Jack on November 21, 2014, 09:26:12 PM
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door. 

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.   

"No, they went to town."

 "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"             

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." 

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".   

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You will have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on November 21, 2014, 11:32:08 PM
I may be over thinking this...But, My doctor put me on a prescription that he says I`ll have to take for the rest of my life.....I just picked up the pills from the pharmacy and the bottle clearly says  " No re-fills'

If you're good you'll live forever, If you're bad, you'll die when you die!!!!
Jerry you're AWESOME. :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tallguy on December 09, 2014, 04:40:51 AM
I traded my wife for a six-pack of beer.

I wish I had her back . . .




. . . I'm THIRSTY AGAIN!!!!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on December 16, 2014, 08:18:01 AM
One day at the retirement home a resident named Gladys burst into the dining room and raised a clenched fist while shouting" If you can tell me what`s in my hand...I`ll give you the best sex ever...All night long " !!  An old geezer in the back row shouted " An elephant"?  Gladys thought for a moment and replied " Close enough " :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on December 18, 2014, 07:00:30 PM
It's Friday here in Africa so here's my contribution. :cheers:

This one is for my mate Jerry.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMeXg0etofQ


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on December 23, 2014, 12:38:48 PM
An associate of mine went to his favorite brew-pub last evening.  A rather large woman aproached and said " Say, You`re cute...How about giving me your number" ?  he replied " Sure, You have a pen"?  When she said that she did he said " Better get back in it before the farmer sees that you`re gone"   His dental surgery is next monday.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on December 23, 2014, 05:07:13 PM


 :dhorse:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6pC03WRcE0


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on January 06, 2015, 09:40:00 AM
3 moles are crawling down a tunnel...The first mole says " I smell pancakes"  the second mole says the same thing..The third says " All I smell is molasses.............................."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tallguy on January 07, 2015, 07:14:26 PM
Riddle . . .

Q:  What do you call a U.S. Marine who thinks he's perfect?

A:  An arrogrunt.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on January 19, 2015, 08:27:27 AM
Went down to the Fla. Keys for the weekend...saw a car with a bumper sticker that read " I Miss Chicago'..So I smashed all the windows,stole the radio , flattened all 4 tires and  stuck an Obama sticker on the trunk lid.  Hope he feels at home now.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: jdincau on January 21, 2015, 06:28:03 PM
John Kelly, 75 years of age, was stopped by police around 2 am
and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

John replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
 
The officer asked, “Oh, really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”
 
John replied, “That would be my wife.”


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Podunk on January 22, 2015, 08:19:54 PM
Stella and Belle,two mature southern ladies, were having tea one day.Stella says "My husband bought me a big diamond ring for our anniversary". Belle responds with her best southernese "That's nice." Stella then tells Belle that her husband bought her a new Cadillac for her birthday. Belle answers " That's nice." Stella then asks " What has your husband bought you lately?" Belle proudly says " My husband sent me to the finest charm school in Atlanta." Stella asks "WHAT could you possibly learn in charm school?"
Bella gently answers " They taught me to say That's Nice instead of F**k You.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Podunk on January 22, 2015, 08:33:53 PM
Young Joe calls off sick one day. The boss asks what's wrong? Joe says he didn't sleep well, he has a headache and his stomach is upset. The boss tells Joe he really needs him to get an order out. He tells Joe that when he feels like that he has a light breakfast, takes a hot shower and makes love to his wife. Makes him feel much better and he can make it thru the day.
About 2 hours later Joe comes in and tells his boss "I did like you said Boss. I feel much better. By the way Boss you got a real nice house."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on January 23, 2015, 08:31:54 PM
Good jokes guys. :-D :-D :-D :-D
Thanks.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: jimmy six on January 24, 2015, 01:10:12 AM
Slightly off color but not offensive and for most of us old guys on the site:


A farmer stopped by his local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
 
On the way home he stopped at the hardware shop and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed shop and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.  However, struggling outside the shop he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
 
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.  She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 14 gardenia close?'
 
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
 
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
 
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
 
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
 
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on January 26, 2015, 09:50:15 AM
I went for a stoll along the shore of Lake Michigan yesterday around noon to admire the ice. Just off shore I spotted a bomb laden terrorist bobbing in the 33 degree water struggling to climb aboard and ice flow. Not wanting the poor fellow to drown, I notified the police and Coast Guard.It is now 9;49 a.m. and they have yet to respond and I see that he has drowned. I`m starting to think I may have wasted 2 postage stamps.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 26, 2015, 10:45:29 PM
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.  Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd
almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

 :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on January 26, 2015, 11:10:38 PM
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.


Title: other jokes
Post by: sofadriver on February 07, 2015, 09:08:49 AM



The Lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon.
 
"I have some good news and I have some bad news,"
 The Tycoon replies, "I've had an awful day, let's hear
the good news first."
  The lawyer says, "Well, your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this
 week that she feels are worth a minimum of $2-3 million
 dollars."
  The tycoon replies enthusiastically, "Well done, very good news indeed.
 You've made my day.  Now what's the bad news?"
  The lawyer answers, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."


Title: other jokes
Post by: sofadriver on February 07, 2015, 09:14:46 AM
 
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Just like I'm talking to a wall."  






Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 15, 2015, 09:40:26 AM
I'll take the wind out of the sails of Jerry and Monte with this/these, I betcha:

 
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
 
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
 
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
 
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
 
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
 
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
 
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
 
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
 
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
 
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
 
.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
 
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
 
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
 
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
 
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
 
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
 
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
 
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
 
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
 
And the cream of the twisted crop: Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on February 16, 2015, 09:02:09 AM
Take the wind out of my sails????/  You`ll need to try a different tack Jon............


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on February 16, 2015, 12:43:34 PM
Yep, I don't think Jerry will keel over from that compilation of one liners... but Monte will probably be ready to come about on Friday...
 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Ron Gibson on March 11, 2015, 09:59:34 AM
Subject: FW: SMART A*


    Two young businessmen in Colorado were sitting
  down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in
  the shopping mall.

      As yet, the store's merchandise
      wasn't in --

      only a few shelves and display racks
      set up.

      One said to the other, "I'll bet
      that any minute now some senior is going to walk by,
      put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

  Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious
  senior gentleman walked up to the window,looked
  around intensely and rapped on the glass, then
  in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

      One of the men replied sarcastically,"We're
      selling Acura-h***s."

      Without skipping a beat, the old
      timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two
      left."

      Seniors -- don't mess with them.
      They didn't get old by being stupid!

Ron


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 13, 2015, 07:07:32 AM
Ron..Old age and treachury will always triumph over youth and exuberance


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Podunk on March 23, 2015, 05:39:06 PM
My wife's birthday is coming up. She is a year younger than me. I told her to act her age.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Ron Gibson on April 10, 2015, 11:49:13 AM

Random thoughts as we age ...
The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don't have white hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ?
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad!!!
And, of course… Have I sent this to you already… or did you send this to me?

Ron


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on April 17, 2015, 02:55:15 PM
Da Bears
A guy walks into a bar wearing a BEARS jersey and carrying a little dog that is also wearing a BEARS jersey and a tiny BEARS helmet.
The guy says to the bartender, 'Can my dog and I watch the BEARS game here?  My TV at home is broke and my dog and I want to see the game.'
The bartender replies, 'Normally, dogs in the bar would not be allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar.
But, if there is any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave.'
The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game.
Pretty soon the BEARS kick a field goal and the little dog jumps on the bar and walks down the bar giving everyone a high five.
The bartender says, 'Hey, that's cool!  What does he do for a touch down?'
The guy answers, 'I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years.'


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 17, 2015, 05:48:58 PM
Da Bears
A guy walks into a bar wearing a BEARS jersey and carrying a little dog that is also wearing a BEARS jersey and a tiny BEARS helmet.
The guy says to the bartender, 'Can my dog and I watch the BEARS game here?  My TV at home is broke and my dog and I want to see the game.'
The bartender replies, 'Normally, dogs in the bar would not be allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar.
But, if there is any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave.'
The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game.
Pretty soon the BEARS kick a field goal and the little dog jumps on the bar and walks down the bar giving everyone a high five.
The bartender says, 'Hey, that's cool!  What does he do for a touch down?'
The guy answers, 'I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years.'

COOL - an opportunity to beat up on FORDBOY!

Why do DA BEARS' where blue?

You'd turn blue, too, if you've been choking for THIRTY YEARS!

And while we're picking on teams in the NFC North . . .

What do the Vikings and a stolen car have in common?

NO TITLE.

Stainless, I miss Eddie Podolak . . .


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on April 17, 2015, 10:00:38 PM
He's old, but not dead... I think...
Glad I never got fired for having too much fun  :-o  :|
 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fordboy628 on April 18, 2015, 08:00:23 AM
Hey midget,

What's worse?

Being Bears Blue?     (Seminal NFL franchise with 9 NFL Championships and 26 Hall of Famers.   Yeah I know GB has more championships, 13 and less Hall of Famers, 21.)

Or being Cubbie blue?   (over a century long championship drought . . . . . .)

Ya play football with: a Helmet!    Ya play baseball with: a cap . . . .

Just askin'
 :cheers:
Neverbepackerboy


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 18, 2015, 03:35:35 PM
Hey midget,

What's worse?

Being Bears Blue?     (Seminal NFL franchise with 9 NFL Championships and 26 Hall of Famers.   Yeah I know GB has more championships, 13 and less Hall of Famers, 21.)

Or being Cubbie blue?   (over a century long championship drought . . . . . .)

Ya play football with: a Helmet!    Ya play baseball with: a cap . . . .

Just askin'
 :cheers:
Neverbepackerboy

That answer is simple.  It's better to be a Cubs fan.

Why?

Because between the starters and the bullpen, the Cubs have twelve guys on the team that have demonstrated that they can hit a guy wearing a helmet with a ball at 20 yards. 

The Bears don't have one.

And to be honest, even if the Bear's offensive line were permitted to use heavy wooden clubs, Cutler would still spend the better part of the game on his back, staring at the sky.

More cheese, please . . .


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on June 03, 2015, 10:21:07 PM
Sheesh this thread appears to be dying.  In the interest of keeping it going I'll go back to Page 1, Joke 1 to pick up the theme for this one.

Ready?

Okay.

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The old man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?  They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,

"They won't let me in without a tie…"



Okay, Jerry.  You can pick it up from here.  Page1, Joke 1 was soooo long ago you can probably just submit reruns and it'd be months before anyone would catch on.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on June 03, 2015, 11:13:52 PM
That reminds me of the other day  I was walking through the mall and saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of the Proposed U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?”
 
The clerk said, "F--- off, get out and stay out!"
 
I said, "Yes, that's the one.  Do you have it in paperback?”
 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on June 04, 2015, 11:08:26 AM

Every night after dinner, Stainless took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Stainless still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husbands behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why dont you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why dont you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Stainless took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Stainless in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Stainless down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Stainless, "Its pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, dont you think?"
Stainless replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. Ill get in trouble when I get home anyway!"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: sabat on June 04, 2015, 02:33:07 PM
This seems to be as good a place as any for this picture.



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on June 04, 2015, 03:45:48 PM
I don't get it.  What's a picture of Chris Christie have to do with a joke where Stainless' name is substituted for Billy Jeff (AKA BJ) Clinton's?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tallguy on June 05, 2015, 01:58:46 AM
I realize I'm getting off the "track" here, but now that Clinton has been
mentioned, I couldn't resist sharing what I heard was a true story:

Shortly after all this "Monicagate" stuff was in the news, a vacuum
cleaner manufacturer introduced a newer, more powerful model . . .
and they were considering calling it the "Monica" . . . but decided not
to.  I think that's a true story, for what it's worth.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on June 05, 2015, 02:04:25 PM
Well if we are picking on BJ...

Bill  Clinton was driving up to the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama's  dog crushing it flat as a fritter.  He climbed out of his Jag and  sat down on the grass totally distraught.  He knew Michele would go  ballistic.
   Then he noticed a lamp under his butt, half-buried in the ground.  He dug it up, brushed it  off and immediately a Genie popped out.  "You have freed me from thousands  of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you one  wish."
   Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you  this damned dog."
   They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny.  "Do you think you could  bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.  The Genie looked at the  remains and shook his head.  "This critter is too far gone for even me to  bring it back to life.  Maybe there's something else you'd  like?"
   Bill thought for a minute reached into his pocket and pulled out two  photos.  "I had an affair with this young girl called Monica,"  said Bill, showing the genie the first photo.  "But I'm actually married to  this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo.  "You  see Hillary isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make her look like  Monica?"
   The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Dodge, let's  have another look at the dog!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: sofadriver on June 06, 2015, 11:25:30 AM
81 year old Burt finally decided to buy the fancy cowboy boots he'd wanted his whole life. When he got home he stood in front of his wife and asked "See anything different about me?"
"Nope" she said.
Burt stomped his feet to call attention to his boots. "How about now?".
"Nope" she said.
A little miffed, Burt stripped off all his clothes except the new boots. "Well, how about now ?".
The old gal said "Burt, it's hanging down. It was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily Burt says "THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!".
"Oh" she says. "Shoulda bought a hat, Burt. Shoulda bought a hat".


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Rcktscientist on June 26, 2015, 01:03:15 PM
My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we got married...


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Rcktscientist on June 26, 2015, 01:04:57 PM
When I was young my mom would send me to the store wit a dollar. I'd come back with a loaf of bread, milk and a dozen eggs. Can't do that any more, too many cameras.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on July 10, 2015, 07:23:19 PM
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isnt polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldnt tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex." :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on July 16, 2015, 10:36:37 PM
Got this from Freud... thought everyone could use a laugh... maybe take the pressure off the SpeedWeek threads  :-D

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME  YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

Tom's reply:    "I wasn't.........."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on July 17, 2015, 08:09:19 AM
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

 There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
 We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls,
 But do you really know the difference between them?
 In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

 GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

 BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

 I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

 Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both result in serious bodily injury or death.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 23, 2015, 07:44:21 AM
Chuck Norris has never submitted an on-line form..........Chuck Norris DOES NOT submit............... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on July 24, 2015, 11:18:27 PM
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that hes on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I dont fink my pet python weally gives a thit.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on August 24, 2015, 10:39:01 PM
When I noticed Freud was yet another year older it occurred to me that I should take stock of myself...
Here are a dozen things I know as I get older...

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment.  Now it's like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.  I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Y'all have a great day  :cheers:
 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: sofadriver on August 24, 2015, 11:02:54 PM
3. I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me off.

 :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 02, 2015, 07:49:43 AM
Is it just me? Or do others find it odd that women are not offended by J.C. Penney calling their line of clothing for older women " Sag Harbor".....??? :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on September 27, 2015, 08:42:31 PM
As some of you know, I am an assistant coach on a little league baseball team.  We were nearing the end of the season and during the game, I slowly walked up to one of my 9-year-old baseball players, paused, then asked,
“Do you understand what a baseball team is? What cooperation for the team is?”
 
The boy nodded slowly in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not always whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

“So,’ I continued, “I'm sure then you understand, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or Alfa. Does that  make sense to you? “

The little boy again nodded 'yes'.

Not stopping there I went on, “And when we take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play in the game, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coaches ‘dumb Acura or shithead’ is it?”

“No,” The little boy shook his head looking a bit ashamed...



“GOOD”  I said. . . . “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!”
 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: sofadriver on October 03, 2015, 10:22:53 AM


Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota StateTrooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside.


The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from  the cold weather.

“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the sad reply.


"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't,"  said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely, and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as
promised.


Moments later the bike started, and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.


It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill...."


 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on October 05, 2015, 10:24:07 PM
My neighbor cleaned up his yard, trimmed the trees and put all the stuff at the end of the driveway for the trash guy to pick up... came home to a note on the pile saying he needed to tie up the stuff or put it in garbage bags or they wouldn't take it.  So he asked me for a little help packaging the stuff for the garbage truck.... I thought it was a nice job....


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: sofadriver on October 05, 2015, 11:11:20 PM
My neighbor cleaned up his yard, trimmed the trees and put all the stuff at the end of the driveway for the trash guy to pick up... came home to a note on the pile saying he needed to tie up the stuff or put it in garbage bags or they wouldn't take it.  So he asked me for a little help packaging the stuff for the garbage truck.... I thought it was a nice job....


Only someone with a sick and twisted mind would do something like this.

I like it!  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Podunk on October 06, 2015, 06:33:45 PM
 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on October 06, 2015, 06:53:39 PM

Only someone with a sick and twisted mind would do something like this.

I like it!  :cheers:

that sounds close to the description of anyone that runs on the salt...  :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on October 06, 2015, 07:41:42 PM
 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on October 06, 2015, 08:00:54 PM
I hereby award Stainless with two attaboys and a hearty giggle.  Good job, man!  :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 07, 2015, 08:49:10 AM
I hereby award Stainless with two attaboys and a hearty giggle.  Good job, man!  :cheers: :cheers:
what???.... No " Raisin Pie' you gray -bearded old saddle tramp ???? :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on October 07, 2015, 09:31:57 AM
"Raisin pie"?  WTF?  I've heard of eating a "cream pie" before - but not raisin.  Care to elucidate?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Ron Gibson on October 07, 2015, 10:54:18 AM
Stainless,  :cheers: :cheers:

Ron


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on October 07, 2015, 12:46:47 PM
"Raisin pie"?  WTF?  I've heard of eating a "cream pie" before - but not raisin.  Care to elucidate?

You would have to know Spider or have some old Easy Riders in the reading room :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on October 07, 2015, 01:21:06 PM
Well, if that's what it'll take -- I guess I'll remain in the outside.  Hunh?  Back to raisin pie and cream pie.  Quite a difference, I should certainly think.

Jon the Happy Wittol


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 07, 2015, 01:57:03 PM
"Raisin pie"?  WTF?  I've heard of eating a "cream pie" before - but not raisin.  Care to elucidate?

You would have to know Spider or have some old Easy Riders in the reading room :-D
Exactly....also a jail-house delicacy...you ferment the left over raisins in your toilet tank and get wound up tighter than the E -string on a Laplander`s mandolin. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: wobblywalrus on October 07, 2015, 06:58:47 PM
This reminds me to stay out of trouble with the law.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on October 11, 2015, 07:35:54 PM
got this from FeRd  :-D

 In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He’s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
...
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”
”Well, sir, I graduated with honors from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…..”
At that point, the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to go Fiat himself.”
  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 11, 2015, 10:26:27 PM
Moderately "naughty" but really funny: http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2014/07/84-year-old-man-surprises-americas-got.html?m=1 (http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2014/07/84-year-old-man-surprises-americas-got.html?m=1)

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on October 12, 2015, 05:01:23 AM
My neighbor cleaned up his yard, trimmed the trees and put all the stuff at the end of the driveway for the trash guy to pick up... came home to a note on the pile saying he needed to tie up the stuff or put it in garbage bags or they wouldn't take it.  So he asked me for a little help packaging the stuff for the garbage truck.... I thought it was a nice job....


Only someone with a sick and twisted mind would do something like this.

I like it!  :cheers:

I'm dumping one just like that over my wall next weekend. Maybe the neighbor will have a heart attack!!! :-D I'm tired of all the tons of leaves his tree dumps in my yard every year. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 13, 2015, 08:27:45 AM
hey Bob...Here`s how I always leave the bedding after a hotel stay............


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on October 13, 2015, 12:01:32 PM
hey Bob...Here`s how I always leave the bedding after a hotel stay............

I am stealing this idea for sure!
(http://i.imgur.com/RUoZixL.gif)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 13, 2015, 12:45:16 PM
You may as well.....I did... :roll:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on October 13, 2015, 09:30:40 PM
I would suggest that is a good way for everyone to leave their casino room after SpeedWeek... if we ever get to have another one of those
 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 04, 2015, 03:03:15 PM
Patti and I went shopping last night and I lost her in the store....So, I walked up to a cute young girl and asked if she could help me find my wife...' You have no idea of where she is"? the girl said....I told her " No..but every time I talk to a little hotty with t*ts as nice as yours...She shows up. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 10, 2015, 09:20:48 AM
PepsiCo has announced they will soon release a soft drink that treats  " Male dysfunction"...It`s called  " Mount and Do....(can`t wait to pour myself a stiff one.....) :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on November 10, 2015, 05:47:28 PM
Afraid you would forget that one by Friday Jerry?
I know the feeling, I think I'll post that thought on Friday, then on Friday I think... what was that I was going to post....  :roll:
 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 10, 2015, 06:04:22 PM
Gee, I only do that about a jillion times a day, Stainless.  Thanks for letting me know it ain't only my head that leaks a little. :roll:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on November 10, 2015, 06:30:59 PM
Exactly!  We need a "Stupid Joke Saturday thru Thursday" thread. :mrgreen:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: jacksoni on November 11, 2015, 08:03:02 AM
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says "WTF"....


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 11, 2015, 09:17:08 AM
The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic levels..................... :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on November 16, 2015, 09:32:15 PM
Last Sunday the pastor asked if  anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.  Suzie Back stood and walked to the podium.  She said, "I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Stan, had a terrible car wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him."
 
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Stan must have experienced. "Stan was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
 
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Stan's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Stan.   
 
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Stan is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.
 
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.  He said, "I'm Stan." The entire congregation held its breath.  "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 :cheers:
 


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stan Back on November 17, 2015, 12:17:53 PM
I thought you were my friend -- it took some balls to delve into my medical history.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on November 17, 2015, 12:53:09 PM
Yeah, he's really being a dick about it.   :dhorse:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: salt27 on November 17, 2015, 01:29:20 PM
This is just nuts, lets bag it for now.   :roll:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 17, 2015, 02:11:23 PM
Give `em the shaft Stan...Don`t let them get a head of you :cheers:( That was a tip for you....)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on November 17, 2015, 03:37:11 PM
There is some stiff competition in here for the best pun. I can see men trying hard to best one another.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 17, 2015, 03:44:24 PM
Stan, be careful.  No calling people a schmuck on this site, please.  I'd have to send you to the corporum cavernosa for a time out or until the swelling subsides.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 18, 2015, 08:40:02 AM
Stan, be careful.  No calling people a schmuck on this site, please.  I'd have to send you to the corporum cavernosa for a time out or until the swelling subsides.
[/quote I guess we saw that one coming.....................................


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on November 18, 2015, 09:46:05 AM
Stan,  I heard you were a scrambled eggs kind of guy.....

and that is how we have fun when it's not Friday
 :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on November 23, 2015, 04:37:40 PM
While we are on the subject, I just got this in an email

The first testicular guard... the "cup" was first used for Hockey in 1874
The first helmet used in Hockey was worn in 1974

So it only took about a hundred years for Hockey players to realize their brain was also important   :-o

 :cheers:

Ok ladies... you can stop laughing right about now  8-)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on November 23, 2015, 08:28:21 PM
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S Acura?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on January 14, 2016, 06:14:40 PM
Test drive.  :-D


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UdGgLeU6PI


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on January 26, 2016, 09:00:19 AM
This cannot wait `til Friday.....why couldn`t the chameleon change color???  he had a reptile dysfunction...............


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on February 02, 2016, 02:33:22 AM
  This is for Jerry.
                                                     
Yesterday I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store near home.
I placed them on the front seat and headed back home.
 
 
 
 
 
                       
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde, was filling up her car at the next pump.
                                                                     
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
 
 With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top, she said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" 
 
 
 
                       
 
I thought about it and said,
"What kinda beer you got"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on February 18, 2016, 12:36:37 PM
a giraffe walks into a bar and yells " The highballs on me ........." :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on February 18, 2016, 12:51:30 PM
It's a prank not a joke but still made me laugh very heartily. This is the third one if you search youtube the second one is pretty good too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPyYK_mhtwg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPyYK_mhtwg)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: sofadriver on February 18, 2016, 10:48:30 PM
It's a prank not a joke but still made me laugh very heartily. This is the third one if you search youtube the second one is pretty good too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPyYK_mhtwg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPyYK_mhtwg)

awesome! :-D :-D :-D :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tallguy on February 23, 2016, 01:00:22 AM
I'm not myself until I've had coffee . . . that's why my wife won't let me have any.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 14, 2016, 08:29:39 AM
This cannot wait until Friday......what do you do if you are attacked by a group of circus workers????  Go for the juggler.. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread - bad joke pi day
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on March 14, 2016, 08:49:24 AM
Bad joke pi day?  I'm in.  :cheers:

Due to a lack of snow, the annual Iditarod was conducted with automobiles this year.

The winner was driving a Mushtang.



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fordboy628 on March 14, 2016, 09:19:28 AM
Me too.

Area of a circle  = π*R²

"Everybody knows pies are round, not squared."   Gracie Allen


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fordboy628 on March 14, 2016, 09:23:10 AM
I like to think of myself as sort of π-like . . . . . .

Irrational, but well rounded . . . . . . .


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 14, 2016, 10:16:15 AM
Oh yeah??? well how do you think the un-thinkable????...with an ithe berg.. :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 17, 2016, 08:41:22 AM
speaking of which..I`m writing the screen play to a movie..Sort of a cross between Titanic and the Sixth Sense...I`m calling it " Icy Dead People"


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on June 21, 2016, 01:06:53 PM
The bride and I were out for dinner last eve` and at the next table were 3 rather large women having a somewhat  loud  conversation in what I thought to be a Scottish accent....So I leaned over and asked "  Are you ladies from Scotland " ?  The largest of the bunch yelled " No...Wales..all 3 of us "   So I replied  " Oh....So you 3 whales are from Scotland ?....." :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on August 11, 2016, 07:48:34 AM
I went to the doc, for my annual....Doctor says " It`s normal for a man to get an erection during a prostate exam" I told him I didn`t have an erection and he said .." But I do....."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on August 17, 2016, 08:37:49 AM
It`s official....Mrs. Floydjer has been around me too long....We were on our daily walk around Reeds Lake and passed a home project in progress. It`s  6,000 sq.ft brick Tudor....The new owners had it rotated 180 degrees so that the bedrooms face the lake....No, I`m not kidding. Anyway, I commented that the lawn that wasn`t there yesterday seemed to be there now...Patti said "  They must have "sod-omized" it".......jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Peter Jack on August 17, 2016, 09:16:08 AM
Jerry, you're obviously married to the right lady!  :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:

Pete


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: creekrat on August 17, 2016, 10:51:27 AM
Hear about the guy with a new Vette trying to outrun a statie on the freeway. After hitting 140 and still not pulling away, he pulls over to take his due. Statie says; sir, if you can give me a good reason for doing 140 on my highway, I'll cut you a break. Guy responds; officer, a year ago my wife took off with a cop, all I could think was that was you trying to bring her back. Cops reply; sir, you have a good evening!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on August 22, 2016, 03:51:46 PM
Memorable Password


Always choose a memorable password!

 

A lady helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password,
Selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife
And with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye,
He selects a word:

Mypenis.


As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife
Collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!


 
The computer had replied:

TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: jacksoni on August 23, 2016, 06:14:44 PM
Ah, out of town and not keeping up with these past few. Priceless! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on August 23, 2016, 08:41:58 PM
IF ONLY WOMEN WOULD TRUST THEIR HUSBANDS!

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard
as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let
them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tauruck on August 29, 2016, 10:51:13 PM
How's this one!.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 02, 2016, 12:19:23 PM
Neighbor` dog chased a little kid on a bike.....So I guess they are going to take the dog`s bike away to punish him......(that couldn`t wait 2 days )


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 02, 2016, 01:13:49 PM
Jerry, that could have waited way more than just two days. . .


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on November 02, 2016, 04:29:01 PM
Neighbor` dog chased a little kid on a bike.....So I guess they are going to take the dog`s bike away to punish him......(that couldn`t wait 2 days )

 :-D  :-D  :-D  :-D  :-D
Thanks for proper placement  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 15, 2016, 10:58:29 AM
Not a joke..But funny.  youtube "Chain saw racing".....Chainsaw powered bike-ski  thingie is a side splitter too :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on January 30, 2017, 10:54:35 AM
Hey Woodie...If you need someone to go picketing with....Sign me up... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on January 30, 2017, 08:35:49 PM
Hey Jerry, we do have a Saturday thru Thursday thread to sow those into  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on January 31, 2017, 09:46:40 AM
Nah...that thread is Stan`s  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 23, 2017, 07:52:39 AM
Know why boats are named after women?? Because they go where they want to go...You are just along for the ride...Then there is the maintenance issue.... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: tallguy on March 26, 2017, 07:22:05 PM
Three explorers set off on an expedition to be the first to arrive at the South Pole, only to find a thriving civilization
when they get there. The chief of this community told the explorers, “We have but one law here. Don’t step on any penguins.”

The explorers looked about them, seeing penguins everywhere. It was almost impossible not to step on one. Sure enough,
almost immediately, one of the explorers accidentally steps on a penguin.

The chief passes swift punishment: “For your crime, you must marry one of our ugly women!”

The very next day, try as he might to avoid it, a second explorer accidentally steps on a penguin. Again, the chief arrives
and forces him to marry one of the tribe’s extremely ugly women.

The third explorer observed what happened to his fellow travellers, and not wanting to be forced to marry an ugly woman,
is VERY careful of where he steps. He manages to go for months without stepping on any penguins. One day, the chief arrives
with the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, and tells the explorer that they are to be wed immediately.

The explorer turns to his new bride and says, “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I wonder what I did to
deserve being married to you?”

The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a penguin.”


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 28, 2017, 11:42:38 AM
I like cooking my family and pets.  ( Slim was right, Commas are important ) :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 30, 2017, 11:51:10 AM
What illness is Cured Ham cured of?????....Swine flu.... 8-)


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 30, 2017, 01:53:25 PM
If you beer-batter fish, have you committed alcohol abuse?   :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on March 31, 2017, 08:24:44 AM
I`ve heard it called "flogging the dolphin".... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 09, 2017, 07:21:26 PM
Lifted from FB, but at least I kept the artist's name on the 'toon.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: jacksoni on April 18, 2017, 06:35:20 AM
Who has the  best Chinese take out?




United Airlines :oops:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on April 18, 2017, 09:03:44 AM
Great dental plan, too!  :-o :-o Especially front tooth extraction!  :-( :-(


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 18, 2017, 10:07:30 AM
You guys can slap me around as long as I get the same pay-out as that little self-important, entitled snowflake will be getting . :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on April 18, 2017, 10:15:56 PM
Jerry, we could all pool our money together and not get close to the settlement he will get... of course the lawyers will get half....

An episode like that could put some cash in the racing budget...  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 20, 2017, 12:18:39 PM
United is still a bloody good airline................... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on April 21, 2017, 06:49:45 AM
Who has the best Chinese takeout?

United Airlines


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 21, 2017, 09:07:45 AM
Wicked echo in here  :cheers: Speaking of which...I just happen to have " Echoes" CRANKED in the shop....


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 21, 2017, 11:36:54 AM
Didn't Pink Floyd usta play that tune?


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 21, 2017, 11:56:44 AM
The only problem is that the guy is Vietnamese, not Chinese.  Sort of makes the jokes lame.   :dhorse:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: jacksoni on April 21, 2017, 11:59:19 AM
The only problem is that the guy is Vietnamese, not Chinese.  Sort of makes the jokes lame.   :dhorse:

Mike
All of these jokes are lame, that's the point!! :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 21, 2017, 01:20:06 PM
Lame or not...he should have  wok`d  off when told to................... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 25, 2017, 09:05:30 AM
And here I thought I was kidding when I've used oddball fractions, but geez -- these guys seem to have made it for real.

https://www.amazon.com/Yescom-Automatic-Pneumatic-Transfer-Sublimation/dp/B011489CGY/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1493128920&sr=8-7&keywords=mug+press


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stan Back on April 25, 2017, 10:02:08 AM
I think that's the formal dimensions for a "C" cup.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: rouse on April 25, 2017, 11:11:03 AM
And here I thought I was kidding when I've used oddball fractions, but geez -- these guys seem to have made it for real.

https://www.amazon.com/Yescom-Automatic-Pneumatic-Transfer-Sublimation/dp/B011489CGY/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1493128920&sr=8-7&keywords=mug+press

See what's coming out of our public schools nowadays. No one knows how to convert 80mm to English measurements.

Sad, funny , like ironic funny, not like Ha Ha funny. Somebody actually got paid to make that add, WOW!


Rouse


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 26, 2017, 08:27:16 AM
Convert metric to English?? ...Easy..I just enter the measurement into the D.R.O on the mill and toggle the readout ..BINGO


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on April 26, 2017, 11:38:29 PM
Convert metric to English?? ...Easy..I just enter the measurement into the D.R.O on the mill and toggle the readout ..BINGO

Ugh... guys... I think the English use mm.... but converting to 80mm to English measurements i get .004 chains or .0159 rods  :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 27, 2017, 08:17:46 AM
O.K. Bob..metric to fractional or SAE..Now , will one of you post something funny??? :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 27, 2017, 08:18:44 AM
United Airlines...We put the Hospital in Hospitality :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 27, 2017, 08:24:07 AM
wysant.com/resources/lessons/math/elementary_math/measurements


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on April 27, 2017, 09:36:36 AM
Crap Jerry... I thought posting in English measurements... rods and chains was funny...  :|

Ok I'd like to say I believe in atoms but I can't... they make up everything  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 27, 2017, 10:14:42 AM
Yo Bob.. What do you do w/ a dead chemist???...Barium..... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on April 27, 2017, 11:04:42 AM
I would make another chemistry joke, but in my mind they Argon  :dhorse:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 27, 2017, 11:39:24 AM
That would be great if you could periodically bring some to the table.............


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on April 27, 2017, 11:40:15 AM
Know any sodium jokes???...Na     :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 12, 2017, 06:33:51 PM
I just got an email with this in the header.  I think I need to be vigilant and report to all of you racers out in California --

Get your Tin Foil Hats and put 'em on NOW!  This could be serious and youse guys need to don your protective hats before the RAYS get you!



Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: manta22 on May 12, 2017, 07:25:04 PM
I guess the adjacent states- Oregon, Nevada, & Arizona need not worry- just California.  :roll:

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 12, 2017, 07:39:58 PM
Well, to tell da trute, if you follow this and go to Space Weather you'll see that the article talks about the readings taken by high altitude balloon-lifted instruments flying over California.

http://spaceweather.com

I like my interpretation better. :evil:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: wobblywalrus on May 13, 2017, 01:26:41 AM
Lots of labels say "Contains chemical known to cause cancer in California" or something like that.  That place is dangerous.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on May 16, 2017, 08:35:06 AM
I miss my dad..All the fun things we did together and interesting projects he let me help him with..I still remember his last words to me.." Stop shaking the f`n ladder ya little b*stard..." :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on July 12, 2017, 11:24:46 AM
Patti and I had a good laugh over how competitive we both are....I laughed more............... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on September 13, 2017, 08:41:47 AM
Two hamburgers had a baby...They named her Patti................


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 11, 2017, 09:28:18 AM
Grand Rapids Police Dept. have replaced their sirens with a speaker playing the National Anthem...They figure the perps will take a knee rather than run,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on October 11, 2017, 09:34:52 AM
Grand Rapids Police Dept. have replaced their sirens with a speaker playing the National Anthem...They figure the perps will take a knee rather than run,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, :cheers:

Jerry, don't they know that stuff only happens on TV...  :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on October 11, 2017, 09:38:16 AM
Still be easier to catch those that stand and salute!  :x :x :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Stainless1 on October 11, 2017, 08:19:04 PM
Still be easier to catch those that stand and salute!  :x :x :cheers: :cheers:

No chance of any of the perps doing that... especially the ones in the nfl  :x


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 18, 2017, 12:06:06 PM
The bride and I were walking around G.R. during ArtPrize...I saw a vendor selling ice cream and decided I needed a cone....Patti told me I could slow down on the ice cream and poked my gut....With a sneer I walked over to a parking meter and vaulted over it..Leap frog style..." How many fat guys have you seen do that " I inquired..." One" was her reply :cry:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 18, 2017, 12:19:31 PM
Wrong thread and two days early.   :evil:

Mike


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 19, 2017, 07:47:08 AM
right you are Mike.....My face is redder than the map on election night.... :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 23, 2017, 10:29:29 AM
this woman was arrested after beater her spouse do death with his vintage guitars.....judge looks at her record and says " First offender"?....She replies " First a Rickenbacher, THEN a Fender..."


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: QikNip on October 30, 2017, 01:12:03 PM
From my son-in-law... "If you make it idiot proof, they'll just make a better idiot'".


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: bbarn on October 30, 2017, 05:58:15 PM
From my son-in-law... "If you make it idiot proof, they'll just make a better idiot'".


...or...

Nothing is fool-proof to the sufficiently talented fool.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fordboy628 on October 31, 2017, 07:32:51 AM
From my son-in-law... "If you make it idiot proof, they'll just make a better idiot'".


x2

Something I deal with every day I'm at the drag shop . . . . . . . . . . .

Sample question while "inspecting" 4 out of 8 spark plugs with melted side electrodes:   "Do you think my mixture could be too lean?"

 :dhorse: :dhorse: :dhorse:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: fordboy628 on October 31, 2017, 07:35:52 AM
Just for Halloween:

What costume does a cow wear on Halloween?       A Moo-me, of course!!

 :dhorse:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on October 31, 2017, 07:46:33 AM
My school did not offer this course.....


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on October 31, 2017, 11:08:25 AM
Mark Twain said something to the effect, "You can't make something idiot proof - the idiots are too damned devious!"  :-o :-D


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: Podunk on November 02, 2017, 06:07:25 PM
Some are home schooled.


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: floydjer on November 09, 2017, 12:04:43 PM
I just heard on the news that a midget had his pocket picked....How could anyone stoop so low ???? :cheers:


Title: Re: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread
Post by: salt27 on November 09, 2017, 10:53:52 PM
I just heard on the news that a midget had his pocket picked....How could anyone stoop so low ???? :cheers:

Probably stretching exercises.   :-D