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Humor -- stories, links, etc -- may not be right for kids to read! => THE place for (what you think is) funny stuff. => Topic started by: floydjer on March 20, 2009, 10:11:27 AM



Title: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 20, 2009, 10:11:27 AM
I`ll start. (Q) What`s red and bad for your teeth?  (A) A brick :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on March 20, 2009, 10:14:19 AM
How do you catch a rabbit??                             Sit behind a bush and make a noise like a carrot.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: manta22 on March 20, 2009, 11:17:58 AM
Q: What's purple and almost conquered the world?

A: Alexander the Grape.  :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Kansas Bad Man on March 20, 2009, 11:31:07 AM
 :lol:

My kindergarten great-grandaughter gave me this one the other day.


Q.  "Why did the chicken cross the playground?"

A.  "To get to the other slide".





Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: willieworld on March 20, 2009, 11:32:46 AM
this reminds me of a rule in the scta rule book

 Q. whats the difference between an orange and a motorcycle ?   A. they both have handlebars, except the orange                                  willie buchta


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 20, 2009, 11:53:20 AM
Q. Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

A. Because he had a chicken stapled to his forehead.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 20, 2009, 01:27:55 PM
How do you catch a rabbit??                             Sit behind a bush and make a noise like a carrot.
Oh, well then...How do you catch unique rabbits?...........Unique up on them. ( If they are tame rabbits, you catch them the tame way) :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: smitty2 on March 20, 2009, 02:54:12 PM
A duck walks into a pharmacy and ask's the drugist for a tube of chapstick.
The drugist ask's if it a cash transaction or a charge.






The duck reply's.......   Just put it on my Bill. :roll:



Smitty   :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: smitty2 on March 20, 2009, 02:56:29 PM
 A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walk into a bar.
The Bartender looks at them and ask's......  What is this? Some kind of joke? :-D


Smitty...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: smitty2 on March 20, 2009, 03:17:53 PM
One night a guy came out of a bar.
He was stumbling all over and could not stop laughing.
He went to his car and tried to put the key in the lock.
After trying a few times he finally got it.

While this was happening a cop was watching him.

After the guy fell into his seat he tried to get his car to start, but
instead he turned on the windshield wipers and did a lot of other
things.
This went on for about a hour.

While this was happening a bunch of guys walked out of the bar, got in
their
cars and left. Also during this time the cop was still watching the
guy
having a hard time with his car.

After everyone had left, the cop went up to the guy and the car and
said,
"Sir, I need to give you a breathalyzer test."

Well, the guy took the test, but when the results showed, the guy was
completely clean.
The cop had no idea how that could happen so he asked the guy why that
happened.



Well, the guy replied, "Sir, tonight I was the designated decoy."


Smitty...  :cheers:



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: smitty2 on March 20, 2009, 03:18:31 PM
 Okay.... I'll quit. :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 20, 2009, 04:15:32 PM
Is there a prize???  :mrgreen:

Bubba was dead.
At least, they thought it was Bubba.
It had been a terrible fire.  Burnt off his fingers.  Burnt off his face.
The Medical Examiner called Bubba’s good friend Jethro in to identify the body.
“Now this is going to be ugly,” he says, “but I need you to help.”
“Ok,” says Jethro.
The Medical Examiner pulls the sheet off of the body.
“Oh, gawd!” says Jethro.  “I can’t tell.  Turn the body over.   Let me see the backside.”
They turn the body over.
“No, that’s not Bubba.”
The Medical Examiner wonders, but lets Jethro go.  He then calls in Bubba’s other good friend, Billy Bob.
“Now this is going to be ugly,” he says, “but I need you to help.”
“I can do it,” says Billy Bob.
The Medical Examiner pulls the sheet off of the body.
“Oh, gawd!” says Billy Bob.  “I can’t tell.  Turn it over.   Let me see the backside.”
They turn the body over.
“No, that’s not Bubba.”
“Now wait,” says the Medical Examiner.  “Jethro said the same thing.  How can you tell that it’s not Bubba by looking at the backside?”
“Simple,” says Billy Bob.  “Everywhere Jethro and I went with Bubba, everyone would point at him and say ‘Look, there’s Bubba with the two azzholes.’”


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: willieworld on March 20, 2009, 04:47:19 PM

> > Dear Abby:
> >
> > I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love" for
> > grandparents to give misbehaving grandchildren, whose own parents let
them
> > run wild. I have followed your advice, and enclosed a picture
> demonstrating
> > my technique when my grandson just won't behave while I'm baby-sitting
for
> > his parents. They have told me not to spank him, so I just take him for
a
> > ride, and he usually calms down afterward.
> >
> > Sign me,
> > Tough Love Grandma
       Sheri Buchta










Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on March 20, 2009, 06:12:36 PM
Wife is doing the laundry and finds a condom in hubby's pocket.  She has never seen one.

"George, what's this thing in your pocket?"

"Uh, well, geez Lucy, it's a cigarette cover.  It keeps my smokes from getting wet in the rain."

That weekend Lucy is out doing errands and hits the neighborhood drugstore.  She sees the condoms on display behind the counter, as she is getting her meds.

"I'll also take some of those," pointing at the condom rack.

"Which kind would you like?"

"It doesn't matter what brand, as long as they will fit Camels."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 20, 2009, 07:50:16 PM
The wimpy little guy walks into the biker bar and heads straight for the biggest, baddest biker.

He says, "Hey!" and reaches up as high as he can and pokes him in the chest.

"Is that your Pit Bull outside?"

The guy says, "Yeah, so what."

"My dog just killed your dog."

The biker was blown away. His dog was the baddest on the planet. "How did that happen?"

"Your dog choked to death on my Chihuahua."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on March 20, 2009, 08:07:00 PM
I'm sure you've all heard this before, since it been in all the papers, but just in case:

Arthur is the security guard at Von's in Santa Ana.  Everyone loves Arty.
He's working Saturday afternoon and hears over the PA, "Code Red in produce, Code Red in produce!"
Code Red means they need security help pronto.
Arty goes to produce and sees two men raising a ruckus with each other...

"IT'S MINE!!!"
"NO IT AIN'T, I SAW IT FIRST!!!"

"What's the problem gentlemen, something I can help with?" asks Arty.

"A dollar fell out of my pocket, and this jerk picked it up and won't give it back!"
"YOU LIAR!!!  That dollar was just sitting there, and you were too stupid to pick it up, so it's mine!"

"You two will have to take your argument outside, you're scaring the customers" states Arty.

"I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!"
"ME NEITHER!"

Next thing you know, all three are fighting in produce, and Arty knows he's outnumbered, so he puts a choke hold on one combatant till he passes out, then the other.

The papers the next day all read:

ARTY CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR THIS WEEKEND AT VONS






Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 27, 2009, 07:57:45 AM
Do you know what happens when ducks fly up-side down?.....They quack up :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Kansas Bad Man on March 27, 2009, 11:35:10 AM
 :|

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Eric, the 11 year old who lives next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.  Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.  As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"  He replied, "It was an ID 10 T error."  I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID 10 T error?  What's that?  In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID 10 T error before?"  "No," I replied.  "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down: IDIOT

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on March 27, 2009, 12:43:09 PM
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29913178/

Don't accept an invite to a BBQ from this guy...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on March 27, 2009, 01:33:44 PM
It's not a joke, per se, but the concept of this guy going in for a job interview does make me smile.  No, I laugh.  What would you do if your needed a new guy at the office and this walked into the interview office?



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: A2WindTunnel on March 27, 2009, 02:25:01 PM
Click on the link to watch this video... pretty funny..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpuuAa7gdE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpuuAa7gdE)





.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: thrust39 on March 27, 2009, 05:14:07 PM
Warning guys, don't try this at home!!!

Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250
to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally,
he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she' s no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do
the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 03, 2009, 08:24:13 AM
A dog walks in to a bar. His left front foot has a bandage wrapped around it. He leans on the bar and says......."I`m looking for the man that shot my paw"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Uncle Jimbo on April 03, 2009, 09:18:18 AM
Little Italian kid going to Confession


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with  a loose girl'.    :-D

 The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey LaRusso  ?' 

'Yes, Father, it  is.'      :evil:

 'And who was the girl you were with?'
 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'       :roll:

 Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

 Was it Tina Minetti?'
 'I cannot say.'

 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
 'I'll never tell.'

 'Was it Nina Capelli?'
 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

 'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
 'My lips are sealed.'

 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

 The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey La Russo, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,  'What'd you get?'

4 months vacation and five good leads.      :cheers:




Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Uncle Jimbo on April 03, 2009, 09:27:00 AM
Morris, an 82 year-old gentleman, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'      :-D



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 03, 2009, 09:54:54 AM
A little boy walks up to the little girl and points to his and says, "I've got one of these and you don't."

The little points to hers and says, "I've got one of these. And with one of these I can get all of those that I want."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Ron Gibson on April 03, 2009, 03:43:00 PM
Two babies were lying in the the maternity ward at the hospital.
One asks the other "are you a girl baby or boy baby?"
She says " I'm a girl baby, what are you?"
He says "I'm a boy baby"
She says "how do you know that?"
He says "wait till this nurse leaves the room and I'll show you"
Shortly the nurse leaves the room.
He throws back the covers and says "See, BLUE Booties"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 08, 2009, 09:46:07 AM
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: sabat on April 08, 2009, 10:10:02 AM
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.




LOL!!!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 08, 2009, 10:44:05 AM
Once upon a time there was a guy that had an unusual attribute -- in that when he'd pass gas it  made a sound sorta like the noise of a motorcycle engine running.  He went to this doctor and that, trying different diets and new exercise programs and all sorts of stuff.  But now matter what he did -- when the urge to relax came upon him he'd emit a sound that sounded like a bike's motor slowing down on a corner.

Eventually one doctor told him "I can't figure it out, but I've got an acquaintance in the medical field that has been known to resolve mysterious ailments using ancient Far Eastern philosophy.  I'll make an appointment for you to see Doctor Chung, okay?"  The guy was willing, by this time, to try anything, so he goes to see this very old, very wise Chinese dentist.

The guy has been at the dentist's office for only a few minutes when the Doc asks the fellow to open his mouth.  He peers in for a little while, then says "Ah, so!  I see the problem!" and proceeds to prescribe a bit of medication for a swelling in the man's upper gum.

Two weeks later our poor flatulent fellow realises that he hasn't emitted a bike-like sound for days.  He's so pleased that he goes to visit Dr. Chung again so he can ask how the doctor figured out the problem. 

Upon being asked, the good doctor replies:  "Ah, ancient Chinese wisdom says "Abcess makes the fart go Honda!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: DavidinDurango on April 08, 2009, 02:45:41 PM
Once upon a time, I "thought" my opportunities for sexual release were below par.  My old pal SSS says: try my doctor, he's chinese but well respected.

So I make the appt. and explain to the doc that I'm not getting enough fun in my life and he says "Sounds like Ed Zachary disease!"

The good doctor then has me take off all my clothes and "craw rerry fass" to the other side of the room and back. "Jus as I thought, you hava Ed Zachary disease."

After a few moments of panic, I asked him exactly what that was . . .

"You face look ed zachary like you Acura."  (can I say @$$?)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 08, 2009, 03:17:56 PM
 :? Uh......It`s Wednesday........ :cheers:J.B.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 08, 2009, 06:35:51 PM
A woman who owned a business was looking for a box truck to deliver her goods.

Okay, stop right there - that's not the joke.

The salesman took her around the lot, and he showed her a number of cab-over Ivecos, Mitsubishis and Isuzu's, but in the back of the lot was this beat up old 15 foot Volvo that had been used by the water department.  It was an ugly shade of blue-green, and cost twice as much as anything else she had been shown, but she pointed at it and told the salesman, "Write it up".

The salesman was happy as a clam, although a bit confused.  As the paperwork was being finished, she got out her checkbook and started to write out the check, when the salesman stopped her and asked,

"You know, I've shown you much better vehicles then this one.  Why would you want to spend so much money on what is clearly an inferior truck?"

The woman smiled and said, "There's just something about an aqua Volvo van." 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jl222 on April 08, 2009, 06:48:10 PM
 :roll: :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Peter Jack on April 08, 2009, 07:38:33 PM
I think I'm dreading Friday! :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 08, 2009, 07:46:41 PM
Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tourbus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire. The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened down.

Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.

Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress.

The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words?
"Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing......

"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel!!!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 08, 2009, 08:09:33 PM
Note: I just couldn't wait until Friday!

In a kingdom far, far away, and a long, long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful. Suddenly, a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, "How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rent limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!" The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. "There!" he said and vanished.

All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them? The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.

The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armor and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.

One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left. The king looked about him. "Is there anyone brave enough to rescue us from this horrible curse?" he said.

"I will, sir!" said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died. The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn't! Each time they tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!

Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighboring kingdom's wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him. "How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn't get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?"

The boy looked up at the king and replied, "Your majesty, it occurred to me after the last knight was killed that the only way to escape this curse was to . . .

let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: grumm441 on April 09, 2009, 06:20:22 AM
A young woman goes into a cocktail bar and asks the barman for a double entendre
So he gives her one
 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 09, 2009, 08:19:34 AM
.............and today is Thursday (!!!) :evil:J.B.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: DavidinDurango on April 09, 2009, 08:39:42 AM
Don't read it yet . . . .

:? Uh......It`s Wednesday........ :cheers:J.B.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 09, 2009, 09:06:55 AM
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve bears beers in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings. Or drug addicts."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now.

That was a bar bitch you ate."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on April 09, 2009, 11:03:12 AM
What's the difference between a group of intelligent pigmies and a women's track team?
One's a group of cunning runts ...



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on April 09, 2009, 11:11:20 AM
The reason Smokey the Bear and Mrs. Smokey never had any little smoky bears????  Every time she would get hot.....he'd throw a shovel full of dirt on her!     Crow


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 09, 2009, 01:23:33 PM
Don't read it yet . . . .

:? Uh......It`s Wednesday........ :cheers:J.B.
Zzzzing!!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: grumm441 on April 09, 2009, 05:59:56 PM
It's friday where i am


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 09, 2009, 06:08:48 PM
It's friday where i am
Always on the razor's edge, these Aussies.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on April 09, 2009, 06:14:06 PM
The difference between a nun and a girl in the bathtub?

One has hope in her soul ...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jl222 on April 09, 2009, 09:42:56 PM
Once upon a time, I "thought" my opportunities for sexual release were below par.  My old pal SSS says: try my doctor, he's chinese but well respected.

So I make the appt. and explain to the doc that I'm not getting enough fun in my life and he says "Sounds like Ed Zachary disease!"

The good doctor then has me take off all my clothes and "craw rerry fass" to the other side of the room and back. "Jus as I thought, you hava Ed Zachary disease."

After a few moments of panic, I asked him exactly what that was . . .

"You face look ed zachary like you Acura."  (can I say @$$?)

  This joke can be hazardous at times. Linda was giving me an overdue haircut today when she said i looked awful I said '' I must have ed zachary disease'' then we kept chuckling but no nicks somehow :-D


  JL222 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on April 09, 2009, 11:22:03 PM
Yuppie is involved in a horrific traffic accident while he was talking on the phone.
CHP show up to assist the victims.

"MY BEEMER!!!  MY BEEMER!!!" sobs the yuppie.

"Don't worry about your damnn car!  Your arm got tore off at the shoulder, and I can't find it anywhere!!" exclaims the officer.

"MY ROLEX!!!!!" screams the yuppie ....


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 10, 2009, 08:20:56 AM
The bride and I went to a zoo in a small town. They only animal they had was a small dog. It was a Shih Tzu :cheers: J.B    Happy Friday


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: thrust39 on April 10, 2009, 05:39:00 PM
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

 

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the
Acura and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 10, 2009, 05:43:08 PM
Okay, let's see if I can make this one work.  It's a technological challenge.

A whale goes into a bar, and puts a bottle of Jack Daniels on the bar, along with his revolver.

The bartender looks up, and says to the whale, "Listen, pal, first off, you can't bring your own packaged goods in here.  Secondly, I will NOT permit you to bring a weapon in here!"

So the whale says - (click on link)

http://neptune.atlantis-intl.com/dolphins/sounds/grindwal.mp3 (http://neptune.atlantis-intl.com/dolphins/sounds/grindwal.mp3)



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 10, 2009, 07:14:18 PM
Well, well, well.  I'm certainly glad I used up some otherwise-unneeded bandwidth to listen to that bit of whale sound.  Thanks.  I think.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on April 11, 2009, 01:01:17 AM
The madam opened the brothel door in Sydney and saw a
 rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his
 late forties or early fifties.

 'May I help you sir?' she asked
 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
 Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

 Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she
 charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled
 out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they
went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more
 requesting to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one
had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too
 expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still
 $5000.

 Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie,
 and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone
 was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive
 night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

 After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one
 has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you
from?'.

 The man replied, 'Brisbane'.
 'Really', she said. 'I have family in
 Bisbane.'

 'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and
 I am her solicitor. She asked me to give you your $15,000
 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are
certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on April 11, 2009, 01:43:21 AM
...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 11, 2009, 12:57:46 PM
You're really trying to test me, aren't you?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: manta22 on April 11, 2009, 06:29:24 PM
On a recent drive back from the East, I noticed this sign-- a new LSR venue?  :-P

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: grumm441 on April 12, 2009, 12:26:56 AM
Okay, let's see if I can make this one work.  It's a technological challenge.

A whale goes into a bar, and puts a bottle of Jack Daniels on the bar, along with his revolver.

The bartender looks up, and says to the whale, "Listen, pal, first off, you can't bring your own packaged goods in here.  Secondly, I will NOT permit you to bring a weapon in here!"

So the whale says - (click on link)

http://neptune.atlantis-intl.com/dolphins/sounds/grindwal.mp3 (http://neptune.atlantis-intl.com/dolphins/sounds/grindwal.mp3)


Well there's five minutes of my life I'll never get back
G


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on April 12, 2009, 09:45:41 AM
A dog walks into a Western Union office and requests to send a telegram. The telegraph operator asks what he would like to send and the dog replies, "Woof-Woof-Woof  Woof-Woof-Woof Woof Woof-Woof".
The operator tells the dog the rate is 10 cents a word, $1.00 minimum. "Would you like to add a tenth 'woof' to your message" he asks?
"Ten woofs?" says the dog. "Why, that message would make absolutely no sense at all."


Title: question for Freud
Post by: Stainless1 on April 12, 2009, 11:08:36 AM
Freud, got a test question...
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.   Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please give due consideration before you answer.


THE SITUATION:


You are in Richmond Virginia. On the James River to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photojournalist and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless  There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

===============================================

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. Somehow they look familiar. You suddenly realize who they are. It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!!  At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options: You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful people.


===============================================

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
 :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 12, 2009, 11:33:04 AM
Well, I see my bass player joke brought the the everyday thread to a screeching halt. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 12, 2009, 12:05:21 PM
Well, I see my bass player joke brought the the everyday thread to a screeching halt. :cheers:

Anything dealing with bass players tends to slow things down.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on April 12, 2009, 03:24:19 PM
 :-o  Unless it's a bass playing whale!!!  That would really stop things!  Crow


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 12, 2009, 03:27:41 PM
 :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on April 13, 2009, 11:05:48 AM
This is either early or late... retired guys never know what day it is.....  :-D

Fort Worth Police today reported finding an unidentified male body in the Trinity River.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.
He was wearing fishnet stockings, high heels, a garter belt, a strap-on, make-up, and an Obama T-shirt. 
They also found a cucumber protruding from his rectum.

The police thoughtfully removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on April 13, 2009, 11:20:02 AM
Sure glad racing starts in a few weeks. And that ain't no joke. Have had the salt fever since 1953 and a little El Mirage dirt fever for the same period. I guess the dirt fix will be first, then the big fix in August.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fredvance on April 13, 2009, 02:35:50 PM
I got a mini-fix at the Texas Mile two weeks ago :cheers: Now the 4 months to Speedweek doesn't seem very far off. :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on April 13, 2009, 09:22:16 PM
we have to entertain ourselves somehow...
here is a bunch of odd facts...

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.   
 
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb). 

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
   
Women blink twice as often as men. 

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
   
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. 

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. 

 
Women reading this will be finished now. 

Men are still busy checking their thumbs. 



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Tzoom on April 13, 2009, 10:16:55 PM
Received from a friend today:

The other day I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. one is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I've been married for 20+years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels & a mask just over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here is how it went:

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over & found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos & a mask. He saw me & said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.." We made love all night long.

The mistress:

The other night I met my lover at his office & I was wearing the >leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes & a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to tell my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos, & a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door & saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 16, 2009, 07:17:18 PM
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard four pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Geo on April 16, 2009, 08:52:32 PM
Hmmmm...  Seems to be the beer problem.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 17, 2009, 08:52:34 AM
Guy goes to a bar where he meets a shapely blonde. They hit it off and,after a few drinks, Go to "her place". After several rounds of wild monkey love he looks over at the night stand and sees a picture of a man.  "Good Lord you`re married"!!! He shouts. "No" she replies "That`s me before the operation" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 21, 2009, 01:13:59 PM
This good old boy from Texas arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter invites him in to explore the glory of Heaven. After looking everything over, St. Peter asks him what he thinks of Heaven. The good old boy says, "Well . . . We've got bigger in Dallas."

St. Peter is put off by this. He gives him a more extensive tour. The good old boy says, "Well . . . We've still got bigger and better in Dallas."

St. Peter is fuming at this point. He takes him over to the edge and points down to the flames of Hell. "Have you got bigger and better in Dallas?"

The good old boy scratches his head for a moment and says, "Well . . . No."

"But we've got some boys over in Houston that can put that thing out!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 24, 2009, 08:09:11 AM
Guy goes to the doctor for a check-up. The full time he`s in the exam. room a big,fat Tabby cat lays on a counter looking at him. When the doc. needs an instrument, he calls in a black retriever to "fetch' it for him. Exam complete, He walks to the front desk and the nurse says, "That`ll be  $2,759 Dollars, Please." Shocked by the price, the guy asks for  a break-down of the costs. She replies; " $259 for the exam, $500 for the "Lab work" and $2,000 for the "Cat scan" :cheers:  P.S.  My wife, The Radiologic Technologist, thinks that`s the funniest thing ever.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 24, 2009, 01:08:14 PM
Courtesy of a friend of mine, Peter Lamb -

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
 
 
1. A Bible.
 2. A silver dollar.
 3. A bottle of  whisky.
 4. And a Playboy magazine.
 
 
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
 
 
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.
 
 
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold. 'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered 'He's gonna run for Congress.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 01, 2009, 12:18:07 PM
Two lesbian frogs are  "'sharing the afternoon" when one says to the other...."People are right,...You do taste like chicken" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: maguromic on May 01, 2009, 01:09:43 PM
That's just fowl.  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: smitty2 on May 01, 2009, 04:22:11 PM
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?......                      A stick.

When I was a kid I thought Cheerio's were Donut seeds.

Last week I burned my hand really bad...       I was trying to speed read a book of matches.

 :cheers:   Smitty


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on May 01, 2009, 05:42:09 PM
How come everytime some yahoo fires up a Ditch Witch in my backyard, it heads straight to the nearest gas line or live electric line?

The only thing I can figure:

When natural gas fumes get into an engine, it runs stronger. 
When there is plenty of juice in the battery, it runs stronger.
New engines have computers in them.
Modern computers can "learn" and adapt.
So the new Ditch Witches actively seek out natural gas and electricity.

Is this Comedy?  Not if you are the one paying for the repairs...  :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 01, 2009, 06:04:32 PM
Charlie shows up for work with two serious burns on either side of his face.

His buddy asks him what happened.

"I was doing some ironing for my wife when the phone rang. I got mixed up and picked up the iron."

"What happened on the other side?"

"I had to call the doctor!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 01, 2009, 06:08:38 PM
Charlie shows up for work with two serious black eyes.

His buddy asks what happened.

"I went to church on Sunday just like always. I was standing behind Cindy Smith, the pastors wife. I noticed that her dress was caught in the crack and looked uncomfortable, so I pulled it out. She turned around and clobbered me."

"How did you get the other black eye?"

"Well, I had to put it back, didn't I?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on May 01, 2009, 06:11:03 PM
"Chucky?  Taste this and tell me what it is."

"PHEWWWW!!!  THAT'S GASOLINE YOU IDIOT!!"

"No shiit.  Is it leaded or unleaded?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Ron Gibson on May 01, 2009, 11:49:56 PM
  There was a young lady in a small town, with a last name of Green. As in many towns, there are some with looser morals than others. Due to her ways, she had acquired the nickname of Nooky Green.
 
  Several members of the local church had be trying for some time to get her to abandon  her wayward ways repent and start attending church. Finally, one Sunday, she decided to repent her sins. All she had to wear was her normal clothes, so she came to church in her very best micro-mini skirt. Prepared to give herself, she sat in the very front row to be ready.

As the service was preparing to start, the pastor was looking over the group and spotted her sitting in the front row in her finery.
 
  He turned to the Deacon and said "Is that Nooky Green?"

  The Deacon squints at her and  says "I don't think so Sir, I think it's a reflection from the stained glass windows."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 02, 2009, 06:57:02 PM
Herb is visiting from the city to his brother's farm. Charlie is showing him the barn, the combine, the feed lot . . .

Herb says, "Hey! What happened to that pig. He's missing three legs!"

Charlie replies, "That pig! That pig! He saved my life! I was running the combine when it jammed. I was trying to get it unjammed when it popped into gear and lurched forward. That pig dashed over and shoved me out of the way. That pig! He saved my life."

"Yeah, but what happened to his legs?"

"That pig! He saved my life again two months later. I was driving back to the farm on a rain slicked road and I lost control of the truck. It went off the road into a ditch and was crushing me. That pig came over and lifted the truck off of me. That pig! He saved my life."

"Yeah, but he's missing three legs!"

"Well, of course! You don't eat a pig like that all at once!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on May 02, 2009, 07:49:52 PM
Yesterday was Friday, points are taken away for day late stuff, even flu pigs


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 04, 2009, 10:37:56 AM
Yesterday was Friday, points are taken away for day late stuff, even flu pigs
Thought I am in charge of non-Friday snide remarks :wink:Jerry


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on May 04, 2009, 10:41:04 AM
Saturday is a free day for snide remarks.  :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on May 04, 2009, 10:47:28 AM
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.  :roll:
 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on May 04, 2009, 12:23:31 PM
How true!  But you have to realize that it's never been more like this than it is right now.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on May 04, 2009, 12:30:54 PM
Today is the first day of the rest of your tax year.  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 04, 2009, 02:57:39 PM
 :? Hickory, dickory, doc!  Two mice ran up the clock!  The clock struck one!  the other escaped with insurable injuries.   Crow


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 05, 2009, 08:22:36 AM
Saturday is a free day for snide remarks.  :evil:
I stand corrected :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 05, 2009, 07:56:44 PM
(http://boingboing.net/images/x09/pooflu.jpg)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on May 05, 2009, 08:11:12 PM
Sending you a calendar Dean, or will give you one at the lakes if you have the correct day to be there. :-D :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 06, 2009, 01:08:50 PM
ZZZZZING!!! :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 06, 2009, 02:28:14 PM
Hey:

I've found a really good raison d'ete for this thread.  Tonight's the final meeting of the year of the Marquette Range Engineers Club.  I've been a member for more than thirty years, and have been honored by being elected president for about a decade now.  Each meeting I tell a joke or two.  In fact -- I think that's the biggest reason they keep re-electing me - I've usually got good jokes.

So just now I've printed off a few of the "gems" that are listed here.  I took all of the fifth page and will have ammo for the entire evening. 

If nothing else -- maybe I'll get them disgusted enough that they'll elect someone else for a change.

Thanks for the humor, boys and girls.  One of these days I'll dig out my dad's old "humor file" and post some of those for you.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on May 06, 2009, 04:09:32 PM
Tonight's the final meeting of the year of the Marquette Range Engineers Club. 

May 6  :?  :?

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 06, 2009, 06:09:06 PM
Quote
Sending you a calendar Dean, or will give you one at the lakes if you have the correct day to be there.

Quote
Tonight's the final meeting of the year of the Marquette Range Engineers Club.

I'm way too busy. I'm helping plan the 1998 annual meeting of the Los Angeles Procrastinators Club.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on May 06, 2009, 06:51:37 PM
Dean, seeing as you have a ironing board with two wheels so you can lay on your back side and take a ride shows why you are behind times (years) You probably take a nap on the run and wake up a day later and wonder where you are or was. Maybe you can takes Jons spot and tell old jokes. See ya at the lakes. The 16th & 17th of this year. :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on May 06, 2009, 07:33:51 PM
I'm way too busy. I'm helping plan the 1998 annual meeting of the Los Angeles Procrastinators Club.

I'm going to move out there one of these days.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 07, 2009, 10:11:42 AM
Mike, the Engineers Club meets October through May.  That's why this was the "final" meeting.  The jokes went over very well, thank all of you.  I got re-elected, as usual.  The good news is that we collected enough in donations and other stray income - to increase the amount of scholarship money this year.  For a long time we've given a $550 scholarshihp to Michigan Tech, Northern Michigan University, and the surveyor's professional/honor society at Michigan Tech.  This past year I asked the members to consider contributing a bit more -- and we ended up with enough to give $750 scholarships.  Maybe the jokes were part of that.

Okay, back to the jokes, folks.  Maxton is only eight days from now.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 07, 2009, 10:25:53 AM
 :-o Hi diddle diddle,  the cat and the fiddle,  the cow jumped over the moon!   Now wasn't that an assanine feat for a creature of the bovine cult to attempt?    Crow


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on May 07, 2009, 01:21:41 PM
The cow was MOONING DEAN. :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 07, 2009, 02:20:16 PM
Hey:

I've found a really good raison d'ete for this thread.  Tonight's the final meeting of the year of the Marquette Range Engineers Club.  I've been a member for more than thirty years, and have been honored by being elected president for about a decade now.  Each meeting I tell a joke or two.  In fact -- I think that's the biggest reason they keep re-electing me - I've usually got good jokes.

So just now I've printed off a few of the "gems" that are listed here.  I took all of the fifth page and will have ammo for the entire evening. 

If nothing else -- maybe I'll get them disgusted enough that they'll elect someone else for a change.

Thanks for the humor, boys and girls.  One of these days I'll dig out my dad's old "humor file" and post some of those for you.
I just happen to have a pic. taken in the parking lot(See if  you can spot Slim`s car)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 07, 2009, 02:21:28 PM
 9 hours/8 min `til Friday :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on May 07, 2009, 02:24:15 PM
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor doggy a bone ...

Nope, won't go there.

Probably bypass the Man from Nantucket as well. :-P

OK, let's try:

Willie saw some dynomite
Could not understand it quite
Curiousity seldom pays
It rained Willie seven days

-anon-


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 07, 2009, 05:11:42 PM
 :roll:Jack and Jill went up the hill.  They each had a buck and a quarter.  Jill came down with two fifty,  Ya think they went up for water?????   Crow


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on May 07, 2009, 06:08:14 PM
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun,
Silly Jill forgot her pill
Now they have a son.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 07, 2009, 06:30:54 PM
Jack and Jill went up the hill,  rideing on an elephant,,,,Jill got off, and helped Jack off, the elephant!    Crow   :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on May 07, 2009, 06:36:46 PM
Every day, at 5 PM, a doctor stopped at his local tavern and ordered up a Frangelico on crushed ice.

One night, the bartender realized that he was out of the liquor, and so he improvised with a cheap hickory flavored liquor to replace the doctor's hazelnut flavored favorite.

He handed it to the doctor, who tasted it and immediately spit it back into the glass.

"What on earth is this you're trying to poison me with?", asked the incredulous general practitioner.

Replied the barkeep, "It's a Hickory Dacari, Doc."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 07, 2009, 07:05:38 PM
 :-D  :-o MM, you got me on that one!   Crow


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 07, 2009, 07:09:53 PM
   :?  Sis on you pister, you ain't so muckin futch!  Go in your own jack yard and back off!  I ain't under the anfluance of incohol as some thinkle peep I am,  I just had tee martoonies and   a bubble durbon!   Now don't that shickle the tit outa you!  Crow                              And the stander I long here,,,,the getter i drunk!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on May 07, 2009, 07:29:45 PM
Youse guys need to go racing and that ain't no joke :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on May 07, 2009, 08:35:49 PM
Youse guys need to go racing and that ain't no joke :cheers:

A week to go, and I haven't started the truck yet.  Looks like another mad dash at the last minute. :|


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 08, 2009, 08:14:40 AM
Sitting on the deck last night, having a cigar, and I decided to stay up until sunrise.  And then it dawned on me........................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: DavidinDurango on May 08, 2009, 08:31:36 AM
Amen!

Youse guys need to go racing and that ain't no joke :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Freud on May 10, 2009, 06:24:17 PM
In my opinion, this comes under the heading of humor.

It better not be LSR.

http://www.bangshift.com/blog/Carnage-of-the-Week-Nastiest-Engine-Explosion-Ever.html

FREUD


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fredvance on May 10, 2009, 07:22:03 PM
Where's the head and block? :?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on May 10, 2009, 08:52:30 PM
I know it's Sunday, but what the heck.

Four brewery owners walk into a bar. The one from Corona orders a Corona and says it's the best. The one from Budweiser orders a Bud, and says all other beer is inferior. The one from Coors orders a Coors and brags about mountain spring water. The one from Guinness orders a Coke. The other three are shocked and ask him why not a Guinness? He answers, "You guys aren't drinking beer, I thought I wouldn't either."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on May 10, 2009, 09:13:34 PM
Just think this time next Sunday we will be wanting results from El Mirage and Maxton. You won't give a a crap about Friday jokes, that is except Dean. :-D :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 10, 2009, 11:57:14 PM
No, actually I will be at El Mirage thinking about barbecued Glen on a stick.  :mrgreen:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on May 11, 2009, 09:04:37 AM
Dean, I will be there and Willie and Sheri are doing the cooking. I'm so old  and the skin is thick so I am off the menu. How ever I will pick up some road kill along the way so you can have something to eat, LIKE CROW!!!! :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 11, 2009, 10:11:44 AM
Glen, I'll have to admit I admire your modesty about having tough ol' skin and therefore being no good for eating.  I won't comment.  As for what we'll be doing next Sunday -- I hope to be admiring a "new record" certificate that I get from a pass on the production bike.  I'll be sorely missing Nancy, though -- she's got to stay at home and work at Lowe's.  At least she's been promised the June Maxton event off.

As for jokes -- did I report that the jokes I got off this thread last Wednesday went over very well at the Range Engineers Club meeting.  Thanks to all that provided the witty humor and thoughtful insight.

HAH!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 11, 2009, 02:33:08 PM
If any of you will be eating CROW at El Mirage I'd sure like to meet you first!! :roll: :roll: :-D    Crow


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: John Noonan on May 11, 2009, 02:59:29 PM
If any of you will be eating CROW at El Mirage I'd sure like to meet you first!! :roll: :roll: :-D    Crow

Crow, that was funny..

Did you ever fix that starter?  And I don't mean Jim Jensen.. :cheers:


J


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 11, 2009, 03:23:49 PM
 :-D John, still have the new one in the box.  Found some grounding issues with the sol.  Still waitin for it to take a complete poo-poo before I chaange it out.  Bye the way,  Thanks for askin????  BCNU soon       Crow


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 11, 2009, 03:25:48 PM
John,  also , I think Jim is beyond repair, don't you?  I like him the way he is,,,,,,un-fixable!   Crow


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on May 11, 2009, 06:18:20 PM
minor cosmetic damage  :wink::

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=110388109923&ssPageName=ADME:B:EF:AU:1123


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on May 11, 2009, 06:32:06 PM
minor cosmetic damage  :wink::

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=110388109923&ssPageName=ADME:B:EF:AU:1123

"This was an awesome bike prior to the makeover........" ??!!??   :roll:

Interesting turn of a phrase.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 15, 2009, 09:26:41 PM
A drunk is walking along the bank of the Grand River, swilling a 40 oz of Olde English 800, when he spots a group of well dressed people standing waiste deep in the water. He staggers over by them and a minister turns and says "SINNER....Do you want to find Jesus"?- Drunk says "Sure" The Reverand dips him in the water ,pulls him out and says " Have you found the lord"?--Drunk says  "No"  Reverand dips him again.....Same question/same answer. Rev. dunks him a third time and asks "NOW..Have you found your savior  the Lord"?!! Drunk says " Are you SURE this is where he fell in"?  ( terrible joke for a baptist to tell, But hey....) :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on May 16, 2009, 08:33:52 AM
Don't know if this is just a coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian horse racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs and infects hundreds of people sometimes fatally around the globe .

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm? 

 
It gets worse........

Next year......


2010 - Chinese year of the Cock ----- What could possibly go wrong? 

Maybe I'll invest in Viagra stock while the prices are down....  :-D



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Ron Gibson on May 16, 2009, 08:50:07 AM
Three women were discussing the nicknames they called their husbands.
The first says "I call mine 2X6 because he has 6 is good twice".
The second says "I call mine  1X8 for the same reason"
The third says "I call mine Jim Beam"
The first says "But that's a likker"
The third says "And what's wrong with that?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on May 16, 2009, 08:54:37 AM
A drunk is walking along the bank of the Grand River, swilling a 40 oz of Olde English 800, when he spots a group of well dressed people standing waiste deep in the water. He staggers over by them and a minister turns and says "SINNER....Do you want to find Jesus"?- Drunk says "Sure" The Reverand dips him in the water ,pulls him out and says " Have you found the lord"?--Drunk says  "No"  Reverand dips him again.....Same question/same answer. Rev. dunks him a third time and asks "NOW..Have you found your savior  the Lord"?!! Drunk says " Are you SURE this is where he fell in"?  ( terrible joke for a baptist to tell, But hey....) :cheers:

Good one! Everytime I hear or read that joke I can envision Foster Brooks and Dean Martin standing in waist deep water, but i don't think they ever made a skit of it.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 22, 2009, 07:17:35 AM
Woman walks into the kitchen and  there stands her husband with a fly swatter. She asks what he`s doing  and he answers " Hunting" . She asks..."Killing any"? He says " Two males , Eleven females" She says " How do you tell them apart"?....."Males were on a beer can.....Females were on the phone......." :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 22, 2009, 09:59:13 AM
Three samurais were competing for the emperors daughter.

After many rounds of competition all were dead even.
The final round consisted of a sword and a fly.
The first samurai swiftly cut the fly in two.
The second samurai quartered the fly with two phenomenally fast strokes.
The third samurai swung at the fly. It continued on flying.
"He missed!"
"Ah, not correct. The fly will never again reproduce."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: LittleLiner on May 22, 2009, 10:53:53 AM
Retired couple from Texas is driving through Nevada and stop for gas at a full service station.  The attendant comes over to the car and the conversation goes like this:

Husband:  “Fill it with regular.”
Attendant: “OK.  Do you want me to check under the hood?”
The wife is hard of hearing and says to the husband: “What did he say?” 
Husband: “He wants to check under the hood!” 
Wife: “Oh,  . . . OK”
Husband (to attendant): “My wife is a bit deaf.”
Attendant sees the license plates and says: “So I see you are from Texas.” 
Wife: “What did he say?”
Husband: “He asked if we were from Texas!”
Wife says “Oh, . . . OK”
Husband (to attendant): “Yeah we are on vacation from Fort Worth.”
Attendant: “You know I was once in Fort Worth about 30 years ago,. I met a gal at a bar.  We both got drunk and we went to a motel.  That had to be the absolute worst night I ever spent in my life.”
Wife: “What did he say?”
Husband:  “He says he thinks he knows you.”


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 22, 2009, 02:06:02 PM
Look back to the Samuri and the fly joke.    I think the last line was   "Aahh So,  Fry may fry,,,but, fry no fruck no mo"   (Don't mean to cap the joke, just being politicaly correct.     Crow


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: aircap on May 22, 2009, 08:44:10 PM
Loved the one about the drunk and Baptists....


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on May 22, 2009, 08:52:22 PM
Loved the one about the drunk and Baptists....

don't you mean the drunk and the Dunkards :wink: :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 22, 2009, 10:16:21 PM
 :-D Now thats funny!   Crow


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 29, 2009, 04:31:52 PM
Three moles are tunneling along when the first says..."I smell honey" A few minutes later the second one says  " I smell sugar"  The third mole says...." All I smell is mole-a$$es" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on May 29, 2009, 05:11:52 PM
I need some serious man-to-man advice.  :-(

My wife has been coming home late and acting funny lately.  She just started going to the gym, and she keeps talking about her personal trainer.  Jim, this, Jim that. :x

Well I let suspicion get the best of me.  I followed her to the gym.  After an hour, she came out with a man.  They got into his car and drove off.  I followed them to a house in Irvine.  They went into the house, then after a couple of minutes the lights went out.  I waited awhile, then decided to get out of my car and go peer in the window.  As I approached the house, the lights came on.  I ran back to my car and ducked down behind it. 

I looked at my door, and noticed a big scratch about a foot long in it, about .010" wide.  Just great.  What next??

So I'm really in a predictment.  What do I do?

Do you think it will buff out?  Or should I have the whole door repainted?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on May 29, 2009, 05:57:10 PM
I need some serious man-to-man advice.  :-(

My wife has been coming home late and acting funny lately.  She just started going to the gym, and she keeps talking about her personal trainer.  Jim, this, Jim that. :x

Well I let suspicion get the best of me.  I followed her to the gym.  After an hour, she came out with a man.  They got into his car and drove off.  I followed them to a house in Irvine.  They went into the house, then after a couple of minutes the lights went out.  I waited awhile, then decided to get out of my car and go peer in the window.  As I approached the house, the lights came on.  I ran back to my car and ducked down behind it. 

I looked at my door, and noticed a big scratch about a foot long in it, about .010" wide.  Just great.  What next??

So I'm really in a predictment.  What do I do?

Do you think it will buff out?  Or should I have the whole door repainted?

Have Jim buff it out.  He's a body man, right?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 29, 2009, 06:00:52 PM
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought be a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 1212FBGS on May 29, 2009, 06:27:07 PM
electricity is NOT your friend
 
AKA - Don't frigg with electric fences...

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, 
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in town. 

To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran 
a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest 
cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then 
used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. 

The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the 
better the fence works. 

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel 
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew 
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the 
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems 
as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. 

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand 
and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the 
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an 
upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first 
thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. 

My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing 
in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled 
over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with 
the engine. 

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower was fighting 
over who would control my electrical impulses. 

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to 
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of 
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back 
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there 
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was 
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning at 8 grand. 

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto 
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't 
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but 
Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that 
were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go 
of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through 
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking 
I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs 
out of gas. 

'Dodge!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the 
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run 
pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered 
in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please 
die ... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam 
idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor 
waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. 

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, and 
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take 
me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in 
the misery my own stupidity had created. 

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying 
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It 
was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead 
grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead 
spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on 
to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing 
had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically 
induced sleep I realized a few things: 

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek 
(not the left, just the right). 

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as 
you might think. 

4- My left eye will not open. 

5- My right eye will not close. 

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our 
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it 
was better than new after that. 

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot 
long. 

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of 
the number 4. (I still don't understand this!!!) 

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I 
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make 
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. 

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I 
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT 
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to 
triple check before I mow.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on May 29, 2009, 06:32:45 PM
That reminds me, when you and some drunken friends make a bet that whizzing on an electric fence can't shock you, have someone else prove it.

It feels like someone kicked you in the nuts.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on May 29, 2009, 06:34:13 PM
I need some serious man-to-man advice.  :-(

My wife has been coming home late and acting funny lately.  She just started going to the gym, and she keeps talking about her personal trainer.  Jim, this, Jim that. :x

Well I let suspicion get the best of me.  I followed her to the gym.  After an hour, she came out with a man.  They got into his car and drove off.  I followed them to a house in Irvine.  They went into the house, then after a couple of minutes the lights went out.  I waited awhile, then decided to get out of my car and go peer in the window.  As I approached the house, the lights came on.  I ran back to my car and ducked down behind it. 

I looked at my door, and noticed a big scratch about a foot long in it, about .010" wide.  Just great.  What next??

So I'm really in a predictment.  What do I do?

Do you think it will buff out?  Or should I have the whole door repainted?

Have Jim buff it out.  He's a body man, right?

Good call!  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on June 05, 2009, 09:17:31 AM
Had a hard time deciding if this should go here or the GM thread...  :roll:

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
     
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
     
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland'.

Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special airplane'.
     
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes'.
     
Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'
     
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
     
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your Acura from drowning!'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 05, 2009, 11:13:02 AM
One that will only make sense to Slim/.....Hank, Bill and Tom go fishing. After 19 beers too many ,Hank falls out of the boat. 20 min. later, Bill and Tom notice. They dive in and recover a limp,lifeless water logged body and start C.P.R. Bill says " Man, Never noticed Hank has such horrid breath"  Tom says.............." Breath? I didn`t even notice he was wearing a snowmobile suit in July"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: John Noonan on June 05, 2009, 12:13:53 PM
Makes sense to me... :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: racergeo on June 12, 2009, 01:30:19 AM
   Seldom Seen Slim says to Sumner, Sum you heard about that new 4 engine streamliner built by Dick Burns? Sum says no, but who's Dick Burns?  SSS says, yours!!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: LittleLiner on June 12, 2009, 10:02:31 AM
Two LSR racers (Bill and Jake) are having a beer at the motel

(Bill)  “So are you still getting a lot of grief from the Mrs about spending too much money on racing?” 

(Jake) “Heck no! I found a way to put an end to that.”

(Bill) “Really?  . . . Man, I’d like to know how you did that.”

(Jake) “Simple, the first thing I did was get a fire suit for my wife.”

(Bill) “Wow!  That was a great trade!”


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: STUTZ on June 12, 2009, 12:23:19 PM

Lucy came home from the shops one day and found Bill in the kitchen with a fly squatter.
What are you doing "she asked"
Killing flies "Bill replied"
Gettin' any "Lucy asked again"
Yep "said Bill" three males and two females.
How do you know the difference? "asked Lucy"
Well, there were three on the beer can and two on the phone. "said Bill"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: gearheadeh on June 12, 2009, 04:05:02 PM
   Seldom Seen Slim says to Sumner, Sum you heard about that new 4 engine streamliner built by Dick Burns? Sum says no, but who's Dick Burns?  SSS says, yours!!!



Bravo   Bravo   A truly made for LSR corn dog original.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 19, 2009, 10:46:57 AM
These two Yoopers ( oops, sorry Slim)..These two guys from Newaygo are driving along in a pick-up with a fresh kill bear laying in the box. A  D.N.R. officer stops them and asks for their "Bear tag". Driver hands it to him . Cop says " Nice bear, Who shot him"?  Driver says " I did....One shot  Right between the eyes" Cop says " I see that, But how did he get the holes in his front feet" ? Passenger chimes in with...." Well, He put his paws up to shield his eyes when I put the spot- light on him" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Super Kaz on June 25, 2009, 12:39:14 PM
electricity is NOT your friend
 
AKA - Don't frigg with electric fences...

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, 
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in town. 

To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran 
a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest 
cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then 
used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. 

The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the 
better the fence works. 

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel 
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew 
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the 
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems 
as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. 

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand 
and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the 
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an 
upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first 
thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. 

My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing 
in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled 
over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with 
the engine. 

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower was fighting 
over who would control my electrical impulses. 

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to 
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of 
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back 
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there 
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was 
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning at 8 grand. 

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto 
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't 
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but 
Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that 
were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go 
of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through 
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking 
I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs 
out of gas. 

'Dodge!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the 
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run 
pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered 
in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please 
die ... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam 
idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor 
waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. 

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, and 
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take 
me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in 
the misery my own stupidity had created. 

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying 
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It 
was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead 
grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead 
spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on 
to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing 
had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically 
induced sleep I realized a few things: 

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek 
(not the left, just the right). 

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as 
you might think. 

4- My left eye will not open. 

5- My right eye will not close. 

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our 
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it 
was better than new after that. 

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot 
long. 

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of 
the number 4. (I still don't understand this!!!) 

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I 
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make 
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. 

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I 
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT 
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to 
triple check before I mow.


Sound like the Time my buddy Tazed himself to see what it was like :-o!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 26, 2009, 09:09:47 AM
Sitting on the deck last night, having a cigar, when the the bride says " Would you re-marry if I died'? I told her I would ,as the house needs the female touch. She asked if I`d let my new wife use her things, Jewelry, Cars bike etc. I told her I would as it be be wastefull to buy new ones. "How about my golf clubs"? she asked.   "No,.....She`s left handed, you`re right handed." :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on June 26, 2009, 09:14:16 AM
Sitting on the deck last night, having a cigar, when the the bride says " Would you re-marry if I died'? I told her I would ,as the house needs the female touch. She asked if I`d let my new wife use her things, Jewelry, Cars bike etc. I told her I would as it be be wastefull to buy new ones. "How about my golf clubs"? she asked.   "No,.....She`s left handed, you`re right handed." :cheers:

And just about then a 9-iron slammed into the side of yer head, right?  :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: LittleLiner on June 26, 2009, 09:30:44 AM
Two priests are waiting for a connecting flight at O'Hare Airport.  To kill some time they strike up a debate about when life really begins.  Is it Conseption? Birth? Somewhere in between?  They can't seem to agree and notice a Rabbi walking by.  So they ask the Rabbi (he also being a man of God) if he can help them resolve this issue.  They ask him "Rabbi, when does life begin?"  The Rabbi thinks for a long time and then he says . . " Life does not truly begin until the kids are gone and the dog is dead"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 26, 2009, 01:52:57 PM
One more ..........Do you know the difference between a corn husker with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? The corn husker shucks between fits. ( i`ll go to my room now) :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: artmodelman on June 26, 2009, 02:32:10 PM
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the jungle?

artmodelman
Jim Keeler


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 29, 2009, 12:51:35 PM
No, but I heard 4 cannibals were playing poker, and one threw-up a good hand................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: DavidinDurango on June 29, 2009, 06:39:09 PM
Know why cannibals don't eat clowns?












They taste funny.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on June 29, 2009, 06:57:19 PM
One cannibal to another, after the fancy dinner/dance:

#1:  Well, how was your evening?

#2:  Oh, it was great.  I had a ball.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Ron Gibson on July 03, 2009, 10:32:48 PM
WHO IS JACK SCHITT ????

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt"  Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.  Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religous couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt,
 Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt  married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After 15 years of marriage, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, named Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseparatable through childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event.  The Schitt- Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

So, NOW if someone says " You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list

Ron


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 03, 2009, 10:48:48 PM
Guy comes home from work,plops in front of the T.V. and says to the wife " How about bringing me a beer before it starts"? She says "O.K." Two minutes later, he asks for another brew " before it starts". This goes on, in two min. intervals, for 90 minutes. She brings the beer, stands between him and the television and says " You going to do ANYTHING besides getting drunk and watching T.V." ? He says......." Great....It started" :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on July 04, 2009, 06:57:10 AM
Two minute intervals for 90 minutes...that's a Subaru load of beer!
Good one nonetheless.  :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 10, 2009, 11:49:45 AM
Pirate walks in to a bar with a roll of paper towel on his head. Bartender asks "What`s up with the towel roll"? Pirate says,...."Aaaarrr...there`s a bounty on me head"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 10, 2009, 11:50:30 AM
Baby seal walks into a club............................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 17, 2009, 10:02:41 AM
Lady opens the refrigerator and a rabbit is sitting inside. "What are you doing in there"? she asks. rabbit say`s" Isn`t this a Westinghouse"? Lady says that it is -Rabbit say`s " I`m westing"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: sabat on July 17, 2009, 12:44:33 PM
Floyd, you are certainly keeping your posts on-topic.  :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 17, 2009, 12:48:43 PM
Floyd, you are certainly keeping your posts on-topic.  :-D
Thank you! ( and it`s Jerry) :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on July 17, 2009, 01:00:18 PM
When you live in Michigan telling jokes is about all there is to do. :-D :-o :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on July 17, 2009, 01:04:07 PM
A rich Saudi Prince became enamored with Land Speed Racing.  He decided that he wanted a faaaaast two-wheeler and a faaaaaaster four-wheeler.

Being a patriot, though, he wanted his LSR shop to be in Saudi Arabia and his vehicles to be built in his shop, so he hired one of the best bike builders and one of the best car builders to help him set up his shop and get started on the vehicles.  As an afterthought, he hired a well-known LSR website guy to set up a website to document his builds.

When the bike and car guys had all of the necessary tools and parts collected, the Prince sent his private 747 to carry the cargo and the two car builders and the website guy to Saudi Arabia.

The plane was opulent and our three heroes were the only passengers, so the flight was VERY pleasant.

After many hours of flight, the 747 began its descent for landing.  Suddenly the jet lost all power and began spinning out of control.  At the last second, the pilot was able to get enough control to make a crash landing.  Unfortunately, the only survivors were the three Americans.

Now the bike builder got his start riding bikes in the desert, so he took charge of the group.  After collecting enough food and water to survive the trek to civilization, our heroes set out across the desert.

On the third day of their trek, the car builder tripped on something and fell on his face in the sand.  A quick examination showed that he had tripped on a brass lantern.  Now he was a pretty smart guy and recognized the lantern for what it was, so he began polishing it with his shirt tail.

POOF!  Out popped a genie!!!

“Well, now,” said the genie.  “Normally I grant three wishes to the person who frees me from the lantern, but, since there are three of you, I’ll grant each of you one wish.”  Turning to the car builder, he asked, “What is your wish?”

“I wish I was in my red roadster cruising down the Pacific Coast Highway as the sun is setting.”   And, POOF! he was gone.

The genie turned to the bike builder.  “I wish I was riding one of my motorcycles across a Southern California desert.” And POOF! he was gone.

The genie then turned to the website guy and asked the usual question.  “Gee,” said the website guy, “I’m lonely.  I wish they were back.”

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 18, 2009, 12:10:27 PM
Yet another danger of living in Wisconsin.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090718/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_wienermobile_wreck (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090718/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_wienermobile_wreck)

And this is NOT the first time that crap like this has happened up here.

You learn something new every day.

I didn't know Mercedes-Benz made RV's.
And at least one real sporty looking race car hauler. J.B.

Floyd - I remember that hauler.  It was bought in the late 50's by Carl Weinerberger, who was a fantastic fiberglass body guy in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, and a part-time sausage maker.  He bought it, and kept the stock frame, but did some modifications to the body.  For years, he unsuccessfully campaigned it in off-road ice racing events throughout Wisconsin, Minnesota, and the U.P.
(http://www.autotrader.co.uk/EDITORIAL/editorial_images/non_imported/crashed_wienermobile.jpg)

I'm afraid to step out of my garage!



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 18, 2009, 05:45:53 PM
 :-D Latest thing on the web about the weeniermobile, now the driver ( a woman ) has run the mobile into a garage, without opening the door!      Crow


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 20, 2009, 04:30:20 PM
 :roll:  The best woman in the world to have is a fat, tatooed lady!   That way you have heat in the winter, shade in the summer, and moveing pictures year round.      Crow


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: sheribuchta on July 23, 2009, 05:07:12 PM
I know I'm a little early but I had to share this one with y'all....
It's too cute.
Sheri Buchta

Ear Infection

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong  and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 85-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the  Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private..'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't Plymouth out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 23, 2009, 09:29:27 PM
 :-D Sheri!  Remember that "don't mess with seniors" the next time I start giving you a hard time!   Just ribbin ya a little.    Crow


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 24, 2009, 01:05:24 AM

Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!


Woody Allen said it best -

There's no a*@hole like an old a*@hole - They've had more practice.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 24, 2009, 07:51:55 AM
Two T.V. antennas got married.......The ceremony was boring, but the reception was great.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 24, 2009, 03:34:21 PM
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, here's one for the ages.  My mom used to tell this joke.  She's the only person I ever heard with it, no doubt because it's so long and complicated.  It needs to be read out loud -- that is, SPEAK IT, don't just read it and mumble along.  Okay -- here, in memory of my mom, dead some ten years now, is the story of Archibald S. Holebroke.

"Once upon a time there was a school that needed a new second grade teacher, so they hired Caroline Woodrick.  Miss Woodrick introduced herself to the students and then asked them to introduce themselves.  The first little boy said: "My name is Abner Baker, spelled A-b-n-e-r   B-a-k-e-r."

"Fine", said Caroline, "but I would like each student to learn to syllabalize progressively.  Here is how your name, Abner, should sound:  A-b gets your Ab, n-e-r gets your ner, gets your Abner.  B-a-k gets your bake, gets your nerbake, gets your Abner Bake.  E-r gets your er, gets your Baker, gets you nerBaker, gets your Abner Baker."

And so Miss Woodrick led the entire class through syllabalizing progressively until she came to Archie, who didn't want to do it because his name was so long. 

"Oh, come now", said Miss Woodrick.  "I'll help you."  And this is how Archibald S. Holebroke's name sounded:

(NOTE:  Pronounce the "I" in Archie's name with a long sound -- that is, "Eye", not "ih".  You'll see why later).

"A-r-c-h gets your Arch.  I gets your I, gets your Archi.  B-a-l-d gets your bald, gets your ibald, gets your Archibald.  S gets your S, gets your bald S, gets your ibald S, gets your Archibald S.  H-o-l-e gets your Hole, gets your S. Hole, gets your bald S. Hole, gets your ibald S. hole, gets your Archibald S. Hole.  B-r-o-k-e gets your broke, gets your Holebroke, gets your S. Holebroke, gets your ibald S. Holebroke, gets your Archibald S. Holebroke."

End of story.

And - for what it's worth, Caroline Woodrick was a school teacher associate of my mom.  I doubt that Miss Woodrick really did syllabalize progressively, but let's give Mom the benefit of the doubt and allow her to personalize the joke.

Over and out.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on July 24, 2009, 10:06:49 PM
Well, I can't top that one, but....

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's Acura I've ever seen."
Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.
A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's Acura too," he said.
A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 31, 2009, 11:22:16 AM
No matter how hard you push the envelope......It`s still stationary :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Tzoom on July 31, 2009, 01:56:58 PM
Two T.V. antennas got married.......The ceremony was boring, but the reception was great.

Groan.  I'm going to go sit in the corner and rock back and forth for awhile now.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on August 03, 2009, 04:06:11 PM
"No matter how hard you push the envelope......It`s still stationary."

It's stationery, too.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: cheeto racer on August 04, 2009, 04:44:41 PM
a pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel affixed the the front of his pants.   the bartender says hey  you know you got a ships wheel on the front of your pants  and the pirate replies arrrrrrrrhh it driving me nuts...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on August 07, 2009, 06:41:26 PM
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.
 
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to the mall and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :
 
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
 
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love"
 
PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing
 



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on August 07, 2009, 06:54:47 PM
..that was particularly good Kapitan :cheers:   


John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
    He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to  buy
    an unusual pet.
   After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
   which came in a little white box to use for his house.
  He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
 decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
  So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to
 Frank's place with me and have a beer?'
 Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet.
 This bothered him a bit, he waited a few minutes and then asked  him again,
 'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?'
 Again,  there  was no answer,
Nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.
 So, he waited a few more minutes , thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This Time,putting
 his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
                           'Hey, in there!
 Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?
           


 A little voice came out of the box:
 "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my flicking shoes on!


Title: Old Guys Rule!
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 11, 2009, 05:43:36 PM
An old, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said, "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 28, 2009, 09:36:26 AM
97 year old goes to the Dr. Doc. says ' You`re in great shape for your age, Do you still have intercourse"? The old boy says "Let me ask the wife" He leaves  the room for 30 seconds, comes back in and says " No , We have Blue Cross.


Title: The Farm
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 28, 2009, 09:41:35 PM
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)




(see below)











"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 04, 2009, 07:48:16 PM
First day of college the Dean addresses the students  and tells the males that the female dorms are off limits, anyone caught there will be fined $50 for the first offense- $100 for the second and $250 for the third. A hand goes up and a guy asks...." How much is a season pass" ?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 11, 2009, 09:17:54 AM
Which days are the strongest?  Saturday and Sunday. The rest are "weak days"  ( Yes Stan, They are also weekdays) J.B.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on September 11, 2009, 09:44:52 AM
Which days are the strongest?  Saturday and Sunday. The rest are "weak days"  ( Yes Stan, They are also weekdays) J.B.

That one left me in a weak daze . . . :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on September 11, 2009, 11:25:55 AM
As long as we're using that word -- did you know that there are three stages in a man's sex life?

There's tri-weekly,

Try weekly,

and try weakly.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: gearheadeh on September 11, 2009, 01:52:31 PM
 
Ramblings  of a Retired Mind
 
 
•   I  was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
 
•    You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
 
•   I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
 
•    I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
 
•   I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it  'Pumping Rust'.
 
•   I've gotten that dreaded Furniture disease. That's when your Chest is falling into your Drawers!
 
•   When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
 
•   Employment Application Forms always ask who is to be notified in case of an Emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
 
•   Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
 
•   I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were "Cramming for their Finals".
 
•   As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
 
 
                           
 
"Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life" 
Because:  "Life is a journey to be  savored."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 19, 2009, 02:54:28 AM
I joined an exercise class for men over 50 years of age and they told me to wear loose fitting clothes. If I had any loose fitting clothes , I would`nt have joined .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 09, 2009, 08:58:09 AM
Two ladies from the Salvation Army stopped by and asked if I would like to donate used clothes to help the homeless and hungry. I said " Girls, If my clothes fit them, They must not be all that hungry"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 09, 2009, 09:08:52 AM
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer says, 'This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence,' says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man.  'I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, ' What a coincidence...'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on October 09, 2009, 09:23:53 AM
So a bear walks into a bar in Bonneville and says to the bartender: "Bartender! I want a beer!"
Bartender then replied "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville."
"WHAT!" roars the bear, "This bear wants a beer in this bar in Bonneville!"
"I'm sorry, sir, but it's illegal. I could loose my license if I serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville."
"All I want is a beer! Can't you serve this bear a beer in this bar in Bonneville?"
"No sir, I can't."
"That's it!" Roars the bear "If you don't serve this bear a beer in this bar in Bonneville. I am going to have to doing something drastic!"
"Ok, sir" replied the bartender" but I just can't serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville."
So the bear points to a lady sitting at a table in the bar.
"You see that lady? If you don't serve this bear, a beer, in this Bonneville bar, I'm going to eat that lady."
"Well I'm sorry sir, but I just can't serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville"
"Fine!" and the bear eats the lady and comes back over to the bartender.
"Now will you serve a beer to a bear in a bar in Bonneville?”
"Nope. We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Bonneville. Or drug addicts."
"Drug addicts?" asked the bear.
The bartender replied... "because that was a bar bitch you ate." (barbiturate)



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on October 18, 2009, 12:06:40 AM
'Nuf said.  BJ's birthplace... President Hussein's HOPE message??  Co-inkidink?  Not hardly.

I like the "ventilation".


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: landsendlynda on October 18, 2009, 12:13:12 AM
3 nuns stood at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter says, " Before you can enter, you each have to answer one question."

St. Peter turns to the first nun and asks, " Who was the first man?"
1st Nun answers, "Adam."

The Gates open; the choir sings; and the nun walks thru.

St. Peter turns to the second nun and asks, "Who was the first woman?"
2nd Nun answers, "Eve."

The Gates open; the choir sings; and the nun walks thru.

St. Peter turns to the third nun and asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
3rd Nun thinks and thinks and finally says, "Boy, that's a hard one!"

The Gates open; the choir sings........


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: beemergb on October 18, 2009, 07:10:48 AM
An outraged doctor shouts at a dislectic nurse ,what the hell have you done ! I told you to penile device his boil !  :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on October 18, 2009, 10:06:42 AM
Billy died...  His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jan.

"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jan, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Joyce .. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jan exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500.  I donated $500 to the church.

The whiskey, beer and snacks were another $500.  The rest went for the Memorial Stone."


Jan computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone?  My God, how big is it?"
 
"Two and a half carats."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on October 18, 2009, 12:21:55 PM
Tom is a sailor in the merchant marine and has been away from home and hearth for almost a year.  He gets to the house and finds his pregnant wife waiting for him!

He is thunderstruck and asks her:  "Was it my friend Bill that did this?"

She says "No, it wasn't your friend Bill."

"How about my buddy Louie?"

"Nope, it wasn't your buddy Louie."

"Oh, then it must have been my life-long chum Al", he says.

She responds "Your friends, your friends,  Don't you think I've got friends, too?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: DavidinDurango on October 18, 2009, 12:53:39 PM
Female room-mate wanted:  9 to 90, blind, cripple or crazy.
I'm looking for a girl with a good appetite, a girl that can eat me under the table.

Write you application on a $100 bill . . . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 23, 2009, 08:20:29 AM
What would you call a guy with a rubber toe?.........."Roberto" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 23, 2009, 12:17:27 PM
A man left work one Friday afternoon but, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was berated for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 23, 2009, 08:44:28 PM
Costume

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.  He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your Acura and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
 
 :mrgreen:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 26, 2009, 11:30:25 AM
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, terrorism attacks, world war 3, global warming, my retirement savings, Social Security, my job, national health care, and my credit card debt... that I called Lifeline.   
 
Got a freakin' call center somewhere in Pakistan.   
I told them I was suicidal -
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...   :mrgreen:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on October 26, 2009, 12:35:45 PM
The US troops in Afghanistan still have a sense of humor.  One of them sent this out and it's making the rounds:

YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF:
 
 
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against...

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.


And to that last one I'd add that anthrax is a venereal disease.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: landsendlynda on October 26, 2009, 01:00:50 PM
LMAO!!  k.h.!!  Thanks!

Lynda


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on October 29, 2009, 07:09:00 PM
I need some serious man-to-man advice.  :-(

My wife has been coming home late and acting funny lately.  She just started going to the gym, and she keeps talking about her personal trainer.  Jim, this, Jim that. :x

Well I let suspicion get the best of me.  I followed her to the gym.  After an hour, she came out with a man.  They got into his car and drove off.  I followed them to a house in Irvine.  They went into the house, then after a couple of minutes the lights went out.  I waited awhile, then decided to get out of my car and go peer in the window.  As I approached the house, the lights came on.  I ran back to my car and ducked down behind it. 

I looked at my door, and noticed a big scratch about a foot long in it, about .010" wide.  Just great.  What next??

So I'm really in a predictment.  What do I do?

Do you think it will buff out?  Or should I have the whole door repainted?

next time I drop her home I'll have a look at it for ya......

Kind regards , Jim


btw , it's Friday here...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on October 29, 2009, 11:53:33 PM
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do
the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For
lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

“He said you're going to die," she replied.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: PanchoPistoles on October 30, 2009, 07:54:08 AM
A very old man was walking along by a pond when he heard a voice call out.  He looked around but all he saw was a frog sitting on the bank. The frog said "hey old man, if you pick me up and kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful young woman and we will make wild, passionate love all day and night". The old man bent down and picked up the frog and put it in his coat pocket. The frog said "I don't think you understood me. You have to kiss me to turn me into a beautiful young woman so we can make wild, passionate love all day and night" The old man said "I understood you, but at my age I would rather have a talking frog".


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 30, 2009, 08:22:24 AM
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dakzila on October 30, 2009, 12:07:42 PM
 :-o

Swine Flu Warning........

(http://i959.photobucket.com/albums/ae75/Dakzila/Swine_Flu.jpg)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: racergeo on October 30, 2009, 04:40:59 PM
  For the above few jokes I am laughing my lips off!!!!!! :lol:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on October 30, 2009, 05:30:39 PM
:-o

Swine Flu Warning........

(http://i959.photobucket.com/albums/ae75/Dakzila/Swine_Flu.jpg)
I'm sorry to hear that my ex-wife isn't feeling well.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 13, 2009, 07:51:04 AM
What do call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on November 13, 2009, 10:14:04 AM
I finally got around to going fishing this mornin, but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels. and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dakzila on November 13, 2009, 11:17:52 AM
A snake with a good taste for wiskey!!!!

Buzz


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on November 13, 2009, 11:27:32 AM
What do call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh

What do you call a deer with a one bad eye? A bad eye deer.  (say it fast and think "southern")
What do you call a deer with a two bad eyes? No eye deer.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs?  Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

Feel free after each one of these jokes to click on this http://instantrimshot.com/ (http://instantrimshot.com/)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on November 13, 2009, 11:58:33 AM
Quote
What do you call a dog with no legs?  Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

What do I call a dog with no legs? Cigarette.

I take him out for a drag every morning.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 13, 2009, 12:41:19 PM
What do you call a water skier w/ no arms/legs?   "Skip"  ( Glad to see this thread is back on topic) :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on November 13, 2009, 01:03:14 PM
What do you call a water skier w/ no arms/legs?   "Skip"  ( Glad to see this thread is back on topic) :-D

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs...

laying at your doorstep?  Matt
hanging on the wall? Art
in your mailbox? Bill
laying on the beach? Sandy
laying in a pile of leaves? Russel
floating in the pool? Bob
laying on a shovel? Doug
laying in a hole? Phil



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dakzila on November 13, 2009, 01:55:42 PM
What do call a fish with no eyes?  A fsh

What do you call a deer with a one bad eye? A bad eye deer.  (say it fast and think "southern")
What do you call a deer with a two bad eyes? No eye deer.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs?  Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

Feel free after each one of these jokes to click on this http://instantrimshot.com/ (http://instantrimshot.com/)

Love the rim shot!!!

Buzz


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on November 13, 2009, 03:06:16 PM
Forwarded to me by Ed Hillstrom.



DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh,
Subaru!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can
also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
next tool that you will need.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on November 13, 2009, 03:08:23 PM
Q: What can you do with a dog with no legs?

A: Take him for a drag.  :lol:


Much thanks to Joe Walsh and The James Gang.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on November 13, 2009, 03:19:52 PM
GWillard, I have experienced every one of those....I laughed so hard that people in my office are starting to look at me funny.

(http://e.deviantart.net/emoticons/r/rofl.gif)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on November 13, 2009, 06:57:17 PM
True story.

Let me start by saying that, as a rule, I kinda like cats.  I've got one in my lap right now.

Last year, the state of Wisconsin DNR considered rule changes that would permit the hunting of feral cats.  Due to the enormous public outcry, with few people understanding the difference between feral cats and stray domestic cats (and sadly, probably including some hunters), the proposal didn't fly.  So Fluffy remains protected in Wisconsin.

My good friend Dirk and I were discussing this on his porch, and as he is wont to do, he waited for me to pour my Jim Beam Rye back in my hat before uttering -

"So many cats - so few recipes".

 :-o

Yup - right out my nose and all over my shirt.  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on November 13, 2009, 10:08:02 PM
Random Thoughts for the Day:

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5.  Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?   I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dodge it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?"  How the hell do I respond to that?

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on November 14, 2009, 11:19:29 AM
Mike, those thoughts might be random, but you sure hit it on the head.

"Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong."

Rule # 1. I am never wrong.

Rule # 2. If I am wrong, refer to rule #1.

"There is great need for a sarcasm font."
(http://pages.sbcglobal.net/dean4/_images/Sarcastic.JPG)
http://www.acidfonts.com/freefonts/sarcastic.htm (http://www.acidfonts.com/freefonts/sarcastic.htm)

"How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?" Fold? What is that word?

"Was learning cursive really necessary?" Hell, I never did. If I can't give it to you from a computer then you will never see it."

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?"  How the hell do I respond to that?
If you haven't learned spontaneous story telling by now, you are late in the curve. "He would probably flip the car over, and I would have to execute a 360 spin to land the car properly. I would leap out of the car and we would have a fight to the death. Dad would win."

My son is 28 and as he was growing up he was constantly astonished that I knew exactly what kind of mischief he was up to. I just didn't bother to tell him I had done all those things he wasn't allowed to do. And more. I really didn't tell him about all the stuff I set on fire or blew up! By 13 I already had made my own black powder. Fun through chemistry.




Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on November 14, 2009, 12:04:52 PM
Aaagh!  I did it again!

Unfortunately, my random thoughts aren't so lucid.   :mrgreen:  or publishable!

I should have stated at the top that it was something I received via email.

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fredvance on November 14, 2009, 12:09:12 PM
What's a blue ray? I'm still useing my BetaMax!! :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on November 14, 2009, 12:16:21 PM
What's a blue ray? I'm still useing my BetaMax!! :-o

Don't laugh - Cheap Trick just released their new album, and you can get it on 8-track.

http://cheaptrick.shop.musictoday.com/Dept.aspx?cp=10_21036 (http://cheaptrick.shop.musictoday.com/Dept.aspx?cp=10_21036)

Scroll about a quarter of the way down, and there it is.

I'm trying to remember if I grabbed the Craig Powerplay out of my Corvair before I junked it . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 14, 2009, 02:41:59 PM

The Best Smart Acura Answers of 2008!!
 
SMART Acura ANSWER #6
 
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


 
SMART Acura ANSWER #5
 
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


 
SMART Acura ANSWER #4
 
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


 
SMART Acura ANSWER #3
 
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


 
SMART Acura ANSWER #2
 
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


 
SMART Acura ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
 
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-Acura student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


 
A BONUS EXTRA
 
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's Dodge near perfect.



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 15, 2009, 11:35:27 AM
Mike, No need to save phone #s. Just do what I`ve done. Take a phone book ,and using a marking pen cross out all the people you don`t know. :cheers:J.B.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Nortonist 592 on November 19, 2009, 10:09:56 PM
Why did the siamese twins go to London?








So the other one could drive for a while.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 20, 2009, 07:40:19 AM
Two guys are fishing when a D.N.R. officer pulls up to the boat and  asks for their fishing lic. One guy fumbles his wallet and in the lake it goes. Just as he reaches in the water to retrieve it, A big fish grabs it and swims away. That fish passed the wallet to another fish, who did the same until a school of them were taking part in the  "game". The 3 men watched in awe ,as none of them had ever seen " Carp to carp walleting"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on November 20, 2009, 09:57:00 AM
 :roll: OOoooooooooo!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on November 20, 2009, 10:14:00 AM
The economy is so bad … (How bad IS it?!) …

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 Ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

The economy is worse than divorce.  I lost half my money and still have the wife.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal...Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear.

 :mrgreen:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on November 20, 2009, 12:14:36 PM
And if it cost a quarter to s h i -,  I'd have to throw up!                Crow.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 20, 2009, 02:41:15 PM
I asked a masochist friend why she married a sadist .She said...."Beats me"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on November 20, 2009, 02:46:31 PM
You know what you give the cannibal that is late for dinner?

The cold shoulder...http://instantcrickets.com/ (http://instantcrickets.com/) Hello, is this mic on?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on November 25, 2009, 09:36:50 PM
Not a joke...or Friday...but what the heck.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buttered_cat_paradox (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buttered_cat_paradox)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: aircap on November 25, 2009, 09:58:52 PM
I like it.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 27, 2009, 02:31:20 PM
A couple go out for dinner and the guy asks the waitress what the evenings specials are. She tells him it`s chicken on wild rice w/ a cream sauce. He asks "How is the chicken prepared"? Waitress says " We break it to him gently and tell him it`s nothing personal" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on November 27, 2009, 03:31:23 PM
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
 
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
 
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like ten million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!  And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

' NO Subaru .' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'   


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on November 27, 2009, 06:25:52 PM
Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's freakin hilarious!

I know, I know...that's probably in bad taste and I'll pay for it later. I just can't resist a joke with an unexpected punchline. This one is the opposite, it has an expected punchline.

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

See, not as funny as the first one...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 04, 2009, 09:38:37 AM
What do you call video of pedestrians?............."Footage"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jimmy six on December 04, 2009, 11:21:58 AM
 Not so Stupid........................

A Redneck from Texas walked into a bank in
New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told
the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to
borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need
some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed
over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on
the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced
the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using
a  $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the
$5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said,
'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a
highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real
estate and financial interests all over the world. Your
investments include a large number of wind turbines
around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?

The good  'ole Texas boy replied, Where else in
New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only
$23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?


 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on December 04, 2009, 02:05:25 PM
I just received this from my uncle in Red Bluff California:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.  When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a  break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.  So my wife called him a Subaru-head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.  It's important at our age.
 
 :cheers: Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: doug odom on December 04, 2009, 04:16:01 PM
JD, That reminded me. In the 60's my wife worked in Beverly Hills on Wilshire Blvd. The guys in the Standard Gas station across the street told her that the actress Edie Adams would always pull into the back of the station and tell them she wanted her battery charged and take off. 3 hours later she would come back and pay $1 for the battery charge. Being so good looking none of the guys minded that she was saving $8 by not parking in the parking lot next door for $3 an hour.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: HotRodV8 on December 11, 2009, 12:04:26 AM
TGIF

What is Tiger Wood's favorite Christmas song?




I'm dreaming of a white mistress.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: stratman59 on December 11, 2009, 06:36:25 AM
I have a friend who's a pilot on a 747 I said

Hi Jack

He shot me


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 11, 2009, 08:30:34 AM
Two cows are standing in a field. One cow looks toward the sky and says " Moo" The other cow says"  Dodge ,I was just going to say that " :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 11, 2009, 08:33:32 AM
TGIF

What is Tiger Wood's favorite Christmas song?




I'm dreaming of a white mistress.
That was racist,tacky,sophomoric, rude, un-p.c. and un-called for.......Keep up the good work :evil:   Jerry


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: HotRodV8 on December 11, 2009, 09:49:11 AM
A ten year old boy and a 10 year old girl were playing in a park somewhere in West Wendover.

It seems the boy noticed that the girl could do most of the climbing and swinging he could.

A bit frustrated, he told her boys were better than girls. And of course she said no they weren't.

The boy pulled a ball of string out of his pocket and said "I bet you don't have one of these." She pulled out a larger ball of string with many colors.

He then took out 87 cents and said "I bet you don't have this much." She took out a dollar and 50 cents.

Quickly, he pulled out a green frog and said "I bet you don't have one of these." Slowly, she pulled out a larger green frog with bright red spots.

Not to be out done, he said OK, he pulled his shorts down and said "I bet you don't have one of these." The girl hesitated and then pulled down her shorts and looked down. She said "You are right I don't have one of those, but with one of these I can get as many of THOSE as I want."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: relaxedfit on December 11, 2009, 03:11:49 PM
Phillips Screwdriver:

Milk of magnesia and vodka


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 11, 2009, 03:31:12 PM
Metric screwdriver...........100ml. vodka-300ml. O.J. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on December 11, 2009, 04:15:18 PM
A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.

As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."

The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on Earth did you know?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: will6er on December 11, 2009, 11:14:42 PM
Pile Driver

Vodka and Prune Juice

Will


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: stratman59 on December 18, 2009, 07:15:02 AM
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.

Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.

Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.

Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.

Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.

Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Cajun Kid on December 18, 2009, 08:06:13 AM
Robbie,, 7:15am Posts ?  You have to much free time on your hands,,, come on up here and help me work on my car !!!!

Have a good weekend,,, we are prepping for the "massive snow storm today/tomorrow"  yeah right !!

Charles


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 18, 2009, 08:16:25 AM
Why did the woman cross the road?.....Better question,....What`s she doing out of the kitchen?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SPARKY on December 18, 2009, 09:12:57 AM
after reading some of these jokes  If I were some of you guys---I wouldn't worry about if your wife caught porn  :-o on your computer it think the greater danger would be some of the jokes you are posting----lol--- me looking over my shoulder :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 18, 2009, 01:01:46 PM
Why did the one-handed man cross the road? To get to the second hand store :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: stratman59 on December 24, 2009, 02:49:30 PM
 "Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"

"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."   :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 25, 2009, 10:32:21 AM
What does Rudolph the Reindeer say when he tells a joke?........"This one will sleigh you" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on December 25, 2009, 10:35:14 AM
Vet Schooled:

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor
started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an
example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the
arse of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the arse of the dead cow and sucking on
it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on December 25, 2009, 11:48:51 AM
(http://www.turbopinto.com/Smileys/default/puke.gif) I don't think I want Christmas breakfast.


















 :-D Merry Christmas to all!

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: RidgeRunner on December 25, 2009, 12:13:16 PM
     Gotta admit it's an effective method of instruction for a lesson to be well remembered.  From an alumni of the school of hard knocks.

            Ed


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on December 25, 2009, 12:27:48 PM
Late model Corvette: Smokin' burnout (http://videos.streetfire.net/video/Burnout-Fail-Clutch-of_726077.htm)  :mrgreen:

Mike



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on December 25, 2009, 12:49:50 PM
Linky-no-worky.  :|

But while we wait for maintenance, my favorite children's poems:

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
So now they have a son.



Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And so are you.

But the roses are wilted
The violets are dead
The sugar bowls empty
Just like your head.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: stwheeler on December 25, 2009, 01:52:03 PM
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

 

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

 

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

 

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

 

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

 

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right when he said, "Your pecker gets harder when you're away from home".


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on December 25, 2009, 02:10:05 PM
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor daughter a dress.

The cupboard was bare.
And so was her daughter, I guess.



Correct link to the burnout video
http://videos.streetfire.net/video/Burnout-Fail-Clutch-of_726077.htm (http://videos.streetfire.net/video/Burnout-Fail-Clutch-of_726077.htm)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on December 25, 2009, 02:15:32 PM
How long does it take to load?  I waited a couple of minutes -- couldn't even see the beginning.  But -- I did get an ad that popped up after I closed the streetfire page.  I've now got a reason to not go to yet another site.  Thanks for trying, Dean.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on December 25, 2009, 02:33:10 PM
...
Correct link to the burnout video
http://videos.streetfire.net/video/Burnout-Fail-Clutch-of_726077.htm (http://videos.streetfire.net/video/Burnout-Fail-Clutch-of_726077.htm)

Two possibilities:

He has no clue how to do burnouts in a Manual.

He has no idea how to turn off the A/H and T/C so he can do a burnout.

For our Z06:
Turn off both T/C and A/H.
Roll through water, stay on the damp area, not the pit.
Put in 1st gear, clutch in.
Take RPM to 6000-6500.
Drop clutch instantly as you floor the throttle and swap clutch foot to brake, using no more pressure than necessary.
With modern drag tires, you shouldn't need much heat, so just get a bit of smoke, roll out as you feather throttle down gently and push in the clutch.  Do not let the tires hit hard, or you can break the Getrag.
Turn on A/H but leave T/C off (comp mode).

If OEM street tires, do not even bother with the burnout, it will seldom help.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on December 25, 2009, 02:49:49 PM
Here's my wife heating the tires in manual 2000 Camaro (has T/C but no A/H):

http://www.qinsp.com/Pat/kat1201burnout.MPG

Me goofing in the same car:

(http://www.qinsp.com/Pat/burnout1.jpg)

Couldn't find any vette pics.



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on December 25, 2009, 03:15:00 PM
Linky-no-worky.  :|




Fixed  :oops:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 25, 2009, 03:25:46 PM
I normally wouldn`t wish for harm to a basic idiot, But, that idiot should have lost his throttle foot to the clutch gods on that one. :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on December 25, 2009, 04:13:33 PM
I normally wouldn`t wish for harm to a basic idiot, But, that idiot should have lost his throttle foot to the clutch gods on that one. :-o

I'd only get pissed if he goes to his Chevy dealer and asks them to warranty his clutch.  Pretty sure he will though. 

Some of the newer cars have "abuse management" tables in the ECM that stop idiots like that, but I know the 2001-2004's Z06's did not, not sure about the new ones.  My pickup has it, but I crippled it.  While it's still under warranty, I have a hunch that if I showed up for warranty work, I'd get sued by the family of the service writer who died of laughter.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on December 28, 2009, 10:11:30 AM
Big news in Wichita's paper this morning, seems there was a jail break last night and a midget fortune-teller escaped.

The headline ........  SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE

Yea, it ain't Friday but someone had to get this thread back on track  :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on December 28, 2009, 10:33:45 AM
This one's really true scoop:

Back when public radio was just beginning to be "public radio" instead of "educational radio" -- the public broadcasting folks had a great PR guy who came up with this phrase to describe the service.  He said that "Public radio is the rare medium that's well-done". 

Really he did, I kid you not.  It was on the radio back in the late 60's and early 70's.  I don't remember his name -- it was the 60's, you know. . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 28, 2009, 11:32:31 AM
Slim...........You of all people. ( I`m referring to the day,of course)JB


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on December 28, 2009, 11:40:26 AM
This one's really true scoop:

Back when public radio was just beginning to be "public radio" instead of "educational radio" -- the public broadcasting folks had a great PR guy who came up with this phrase to describe the service.  He said that "Public radio is the rare medium that's well-done". 

Really he did, I kid you not.  It was on the radio back in the late 60's and early 70's.  I don't remember his name -- it was the 60's, you know. . .


I heard something similar describing why television is called a "medium". It is because nothing on it is either rare nor well-done.  :-P


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 08, 2010, 09:08:31 AM
What do you call a fly with no wings??..............A walk


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 15, 2010, 08:04:13 AM
Rudy and Sasha are sitting in their Moscow apartment when Rudy looks out at the clear,blue sky and says " Looks like rain". 10 seconds later, a rain of biblical proportions starts. Wife asks how he predicted that and he replies............."Rudolph the red knows rain, Dear"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 15, 2010, 01:51:30 PM
"Ultimate Redneck Waterskiing": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5AcQahwKs0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5AcQahwKs0)

  :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on January 21, 2010, 06:34:22 PM
A husband asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"


She replies, "I'd take half, then leave you."


"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6.00, now get out."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: DavidinDurango on January 21, 2010, 06:49:35 PM
Is that Rudolph, the communist weatherman????


Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear.



What does Rudolph the Reindeer say when he tells a joke?........"This one will sleigh you" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 22, 2010, 09:57:27 AM
What do oceans say when they meet?.........Nothing, They wave.  ( I`ll be here all week,Don`t forget to tip your waitress)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 29, 2010, 08:15:23 AM
Q) What says "tick tock woof, tick tock woof"?A) A watch dog :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on January 29, 2010, 10:20:06 AM
Q) What goes "whiff whiff pong, whiff whiff pong, whiff whiff pong? A) Two guys playing tennis in corduroy shorts.  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on January 29, 2010, 10:29:52 AM
The German prisoner of war camp was not going well.

The commandant was infuriated that the American prisoners would not cooperate.

The commandant had all of the prisoners lined up in the broiling sun.

"You vill stand at attention! You vill not move a muscle until I tell you to do so."

Several hours go by. The commandant returns.

"I see you are restless. I vill give you something to do. You will stand at attention. You vill move your head side to side and say 'tick tock, tick tock' until I tell you to stop."

The entire camp is standing in the unendurable heat going "tick tock, tick tock".

There heads are going back and forth, and after a while a few of them start swaying front to back just before they faint from the heat.

As the afternoon wears on one by one they fall.

As the heat peaks there is finally just one soldier still standing. He is moving is head to one side only and saying "tick, tick, tick."

The commandant returns to this one still standing soldier. He walks up to him and studies him carefully.

"I see you have disobeyed my command. You stand in front of me going 'tick, tick, tick.' It is no matter."

"Ve have ways to make you tock."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: LittleLiner on January 29, 2010, 01:28:06 PM
This one's really true scoop:

Back when public radio was just beginning to be "public radio" instead of "educational radio" -- the public broadcasting folks had a great PR guy who came up with this phrase to describe the service.  He said that "Public radio is the rare medium that's well-done". 

Really he did, I kid you not.  It was on the radio back in the late 60's and early 70's.  I don't remember his name -- it was the 60's, you know. . .

I also heard the same guy went to a palm reader to have her tell him his fortune.  As she looked at his palm she said with a smile and a giggle . ."you will die young". 

She laughed again and said, "You will soon lose all your money and possessions." 

Then with a great belly laugh she shouted, "AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU! HA! HA! HA!"

Well he didn't see the humor in his fortune and was so outraged at her laughter that he began to beat the fortune teller to within a inch of her life. 

The police arrived and took him to the judge.  The next day the front page of the local paper said - "Man arrested for striking a happy medium."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 29, 2010, 03:18:18 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Teeth down there

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
 
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.
 
One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."  With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: wolbrink471 on January 29, 2010, 05:47:28 PM
My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."  

So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in for a bit, pulled out, flipped her back over and messed her face and hair.  

She stormed out of the bedroom.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.




 :|


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: RICK on January 29, 2010, 06:57:02 PM
Well,  as long as we are all confessing to our sexual adventures,,,,,,,,

 The wife and I did it "DOGGY STYLE" last night.   I sat up and begged,,,,She rolled over and played dead.




Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 29, 2010, 07:02:15 PM
And the stupid joke thread turns to the gutter.............. :evil: :cheers: :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bvillercr on January 29, 2010, 07:11:10 PM
There was a blond and a brunette in an elevator when a young handsome man walks in.  The blond looks at the brunette and whispers, hey he's hot.  The brunette looks at her and whispers back, yeah but he needs Head and Shoulders.  The man walks out of the elevator and the blond says to the brunette, how do you give shoulders?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on January 30, 2010, 08:20:33 PM
 Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

 Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold..

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on January 31, 2010, 11:34:01 AM
 :-D And,,,The law of kick starting a Harley Davidson.....The amount of kicks it takes is directly proportional to the amount of people watching you attempt this.        Crow.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: landsendlynda on February 02, 2010, 05:12:01 PM
Now this only going to be funny if the Swear Police are on a donut break:

Ready?

Okay, repeat this phrase:

Eye yam sofa King wee Todd Ed, sofa king wee Todd Ed.

That's it, that's all I've got.

Lynda


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on February 02, 2010, 06:06:14 PM
 :-D  Amen!     


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 02, 2010, 06:14:02 PM
Cute, Lynda.  I'll try to remember that for the first time we show up at Land's End next summer.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on February 03, 2010, 10:44:58 AM

NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon fires entire pit crew


This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's proposal to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had also changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Kasey Kahne for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: robfrey on February 03, 2010, 10:58:28 AM
BBarn- that is good stuff. LOL!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 03, 2010, 11:13:21 AM
Uh....Hmmm.....It`s not..............Oh forget it :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on February 03, 2010, 12:47:32 PM
 :-D  Not politically correct, but dang funny.   :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on February 03, 2010, 01:56:35 PM
:-D  Not politically correct, but dang funny.   :cheers:

It's not politically correct if you take it that way. I debated a bit before I posted it, I came to the conclusion that it was neither racist nor derogatory to any group but inner-city thugs that have chosen a life of crime over a life of production.

For any that may have been offended, I am sorry you are offended, not sorry that I posted it. I took the time to actually read it a couple of times and from my perspective, I found nothing racist in it. As far as politically correct, I don't buy into the whole PC thing. People are people, you take them at their word until something they do or say contradicts their word. Our founding fathers were pretty clear on their intentions, no where in their writings does it say that we have to answer for other people's opinions or thoughts on our own thoughts or statements. If someone chooses to snub me or think less of me, that's their choice, I won't taunt them with my beliefs and demand that they change their point of view to match mine.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: maguromic on February 03, 2010, 02:04:50 PM
(http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj236/maguromic/26489708.gif)     


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 03, 2010, 02:26:06 PM
:-D  Not politically correct, but dang funny.   :cheers:
I`m not going down the P.C. road again. It`s just......not........FRIDAY(!!!!)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on February 03, 2010, 02:55:40 PM
But you do have to be politically correct.

Reminds me of the time I was walking down the street with a buddy.

He says, "Two Polocks were walking down the street . . . "

I cut him off. "Wait a minute. In this day and age you can't be discriminating against minorities. I'll bet the joke would be just as funny if you used Martians."

My buddy keeps walking. He says, "Two Polock Martians are walking down the street . . . "


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 03, 2010, 03:17:39 PM
Dean.........Go to your room :cheers:(and stay there `til.........Friday)!!!  :wink: J.B.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 05, 2010, 07:32:35 AM
The Invisible man married the Invisible woman..............Their kids were nothing to look at :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on February 05, 2010, 08:48:47 AM
Best stupid joke of all time.

One day there were three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. Baby tomato is walking too slowly, so the daddy tomato goes back, steps on him and says "ketchup!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on February 05, 2010, 10:44:46 AM
Best stupid joke of all time.

One day there were three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. Baby tomato is walking too slowly, so the daddy tomato goes back, steps on him and says "ketchup!"

http://instantrimshot.com/


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on February 05, 2010, 11:30:51 AM
Guess we will have to keep that one open all day Friday... I went back a page read the jokes and clicked the drum.... made most of them a lot more bearable...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 12, 2010, 08:07:10 AM
Guy walking on the train tracks was struck by a locomotive and lost his entire left side. Doctor says he`ll be all right. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on February 12, 2010, 08:39:48 AM
Baby polar bear asks Daddy polar bear, " Dad, am I 100% pure polar bear?"

To which Daddy polar bear responds, " Well, son, both my parents were 100% pure polar bear, and both your mother's parents were 100% pure polar bear, that makes us both 100% pure polar bear. So yes, son, you are 100% pure polar bear. Why do you ask?"

"Cuz I'm freezing my Acura off, Dad!"

 :-P


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: HotRodV8 on February 12, 2010, 09:53:29 AM
Guy walking on the train tracks was struck by a locomotive and lost his entire left side. Doctor says he`ll be all right. :cheers:

Floydjer - -

My new girlfriend told me that joke. She only has one leg. Her name is. . .  Eileen.
 :-D

Note: Was that a Conservative locomotive?

So there, I didn't want you to be one leg up on me.  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on February 12, 2010, 10:15:49 AM
Hillybilly family in Tennessee struggles to save every penny to put one kid through college.

It is graduation day.  The father is so proud.  His son starts to approach the podium to receive his diploma ...

"THAT'S MA SUN BILLY!!!  HE IS SOOO SMART!!!  HE CAN SPEAK IN ALGERBIE!  SAY SOMETHING IN ALGERBIE BILLY!!!", bellows dad from the audience.

Billy is a bit humiliated, but wants to settle his dad down.  "Uh, Pi R Squared?" says Billy.

Pa turns to Ma and shakes his head and looks down.  "I'm so embarrassed Ma.  Everyone knows pies are round.  All that work down the drain ..."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on February 12, 2010, 10:28:22 AM
I resent those Pollock jokes, and I'm considering organizing a boycott of this website. :x

Pollock is a very tasty North Atlantic fish that many people base their livelihood and survival on.  It is not something to be scorned or ridiculed.   :x


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: OhioFatboy on February 12, 2010, 01:39:22 PM
Guy walking on the train tracks was struck by a locomotive and lost his entire left side. Doctor says he`ll be all right. :cheers:

Floydjer - -

My new girlfriend told me that joke. She only has one leg. Her name is. . .  Eileen.
 :-D

Note: Was that a Conservative locomotive?

So there, I didn't want you to be one leg up on me.  :cheers:

is her favorite restaurant ihop


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on February 12, 2010, 02:02:08 PM
Reminds me of my old girlfriend, Peg.  Didn't have a leg to stand on.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on February 12, 2010, 02:34:26 PM
Our secretary, Miss Tamaguchi only has one leg as well.

Her first name is Irene.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on February 12, 2010, 07:41:00 PM
I resent those Pollock jokes, and I'm considering organizing a boycott of this website. :x

Pollock is a very tasty North Atlantic fish that many people base their livelihood and survival on.  It is not something to be scorned or ridiculed.   :x

Your wife must be a better cook than mine.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 19, 2010, 08:22:36 AM
When we were young, My sisters "smoked" so many candy cigarettes, I got second hand diabetes.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 19, 2010, 02:51:57 PM

> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
> situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
> wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The
> dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
> later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
> 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
>


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 19, 2010, 03:39:31 PM

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: DallasV on February 19, 2010, 03:56:40 PM
Thought for the day:
Some people are a lot like slinkies, Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on February 19, 2010, 08:43:53 PM
Thought for the day:
Some people are a lot like slinkies, Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

That's one of my favorites! I have it on my office wall along with "Never underestimate the power of a large group of stupid people" and "Nothing is foolproof to the sufficiently talented fool"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: landsendlynda on February 19, 2010, 09:53:56 PM
Thought for the day:
Some people are a lot like slinkies, Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

They must have met super Kaz!!   :roll:

Oops, sorry Jon   :-D

Lynda


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on February 19, 2010, 10:50:49 PM
This morning, I went down to have my dog apply for welfare. 
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". 
So, I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, lazy,
can't speak English, and has no clue who her father is. 
So, she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dog gets her first check this coming Friday. 
Dodge, this is a great country.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 20, 2010, 01:46:14 PM

> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
> situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
> wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The
> dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
> later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
> 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
>
I happen to "Know a guy" that did that, "Back in his drinking days".....Sat there acting like he was looking for something so people wouldn`t think he was stupid.....or real drunk. :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 26, 2010, 10:49:27 AM
Stopped by a Blonde friend `s house to see how her bathroom paint job was progressing. She was standing there wearing a ski parka and a 3/4 length leather jacket. I asked about her attire and she said "The can says for best coverage,apply two coats"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 26, 2010, 11:44:51 AM
Getting to the bottom of the barrel, Jerry.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: HotRodV8 on February 26, 2010, 11:52:10 AM

> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
> situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering
> wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The
> dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
> later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
> 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
>

SSS - -

I have Floridian neighbors like this.

The report did not go on to say she mention that "after they took all that stuff, they installed a beautiful padded dashboard."

S-J-F  :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 26, 2010, 12:26:29 PM
Getting to the bottom of the barrel, Jerry.
But......I`m staying "on topic"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on February 26, 2010, 01:08:14 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed; lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.  Then, the still shaking driver said,  'Are you OK?
I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
 
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.  Today is my very first day driving a cab I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.'



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on February 26, 2010, 01:15:11 PM
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on February 26, 2010, 04:11:26 PM
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on February 26, 2010, 07:16:53 PM
(http://hill-kleerup.org/blog/wp/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/girl-scout-cookies.jpg)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 01, 2010, 12:11:26 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
 
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
 
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
 
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
 
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.  You don't have any milk.'
 
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 05, 2010, 05:55:21 AM
The Judge said to me " You`re here today for public intoxication" And I said "Great!! When do we start"? :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SHughes on March 05, 2010, 10:39:44 AM
A guy goes to Heaven & sees clocks all around & asks St. Paul what they're for. St. Paul says they show how many times someone has lied. He points at George Washington's and says, "It's only moved once, because he only lied once. & that is Mother Theresa's. It hasn't moved at all because she never lied." Guy asks, "What about President Obama?" St. Paul says, "His is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"




Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on March 05, 2010, 04:54:44 PM
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the
cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The
cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more
impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have
to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.
 
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he
returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move the cowboy, but with no success.
 
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation
briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied....... "The balcony."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 05, 2010, 06:35:17 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

HER DIARY:

Dear Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster...


HIS DIARY:

My boat wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 08, 2010, 06:00:09 PM
From my crazy uncle (an OLD guy  :mrgreen: ) in Red Bluff:

An old guy was in Lowe's the other day, pushing his cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing his cart.  He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that.  I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't  paying attention to where I was going.."

The young guy says, "That's OK.  It's just a coincidence.  I'm looking for my wife, too.  I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other.  What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she’s 24 years old, tall, with  blond hair , green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.  What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, "Doesn't matter.  Let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.  :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on March 08, 2010, 09:20:31 PM
An Amish family was on their first ever trip to the big city. While Ma and the girls went window shopping, Pa and his sone went to take a look inside a skyscraper. As they entered Pa watched an old, no-so-attractive, half-bald woman walk into an elevator. He watched as the door shut, then a minute later the door opened and out stepped a beautiful young woman all vibrant and full of energy. Another old woman went in, and a minute later another young lady walked out. The young boy tugged on Pa's arm and asked, "Pa, what IS that room??" Pa answered quietly, "I'm not 100% sure, son, but go git yer mother. QUICK!!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on March 09, 2010, 11:52:00 AM
DON'T tell Warner.  He'll have a conniption fit trying to figure out what class it belongs to.

Sorry if this isn't a joke.  More like a series of them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-Lnfpulwjc&feature=PlayList&p=4581B372D85A1E14&index=24&playnext=4&playnext_from=PL


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on March 09, 2010, 12:06:32 PM
Is that the real propster. :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 09, 2010, 03:38:50 PM
Trying to summons the demon Glen????


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 12, 2010, 08:01:59 AM
 A couple "be" lying in bed one night when a knock is heard at the door. Guy goes to the door and a really drunk guy asks if he can get a push. Home owner  declines and slams the door. Wife tells him to think back a few months when their car broke down and a nice person gave them a push. Guy puts on his clothes,shoes and hat, goes outside and yells to the drunk "Still need a push"? Drunks says he does. Guy says "Where are you"? Drunk says " Over here on the swing" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on March 12, 2010, 10:40:02 AM
Jerry, let's keep an eye out for incorrect verb tenses.  "A couple" is singular, so the verb should NOT be "are", but rather "is".  Thanks for your attention to this matter.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on March 12, 2010, 11:59:31 AM
Jon --

How'd you know the couple were single.  I'd heard they were married (?).

Stain


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 12, 2010, 01:08:34 PM
Stolen from another Mike, a Canadian, eh?

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations... She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:




















Always keep your condoms in your car..  :mrgreen:




Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on March 15, 2010, 01:03:32 PM
And on a related note:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1Jpesze3cM&feature=related


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on March 15, 2010, 01:06:53 PM
And now that we have a bit of a segue (that's Segway for those who are "counting"), and since it's not Friday, try this.  It's a bit of an old favorite, but I still love it. 

And if they'd been chasin' a Chevy they wouldn't a caught it in the first place.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y03K1QkuFYM


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jimmy six on March 17, 2010, 05:10:59 PM
   Sorry I couldn't wait til Friday.................................. 

THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....
And BBQ's...... He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's,  and God saw that it was good.
 
On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming, and BBQ's on the beach,
and God saw that it was good.
 
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer
and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..
 
On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans,chops, sausages,
steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
 
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...

Well.... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas  to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.....

It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 19, 2010, 08:28:43 AM
Why is it that when a woman is pregnant her friends all rub her belly and congratulate her, But they don`t rub the guy "below the belt" and say "Nice work'?? :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on March 19, 2010, 08:53:31 AM
Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!" Ê

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: wolbrink471 on March 19, 2010, 02:05:11 PM
do I dare call  it number 22.......

A termite walks into a bar, looks around and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

Mark


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Tzoom on March 19, 2010, 03:16:37 PM
Or 23.  What do you call a fly with no wings?  A walk.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on March 19, 2010, 03:44:34 PM
24. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
25. What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him for a drag.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on March 19, 2010, 04:02:24 PM
 :cheers:  An old repeat of mine:  What happens when you cross a mule, and a peanut butter sandwich?  You either get a hairy peanut butter sandwich,,,,,or a piece of azz that sticks to the roof of your mouth! :-o  :?  :-D        Crow.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on March 27, 2010, 12:54:44 AM
 :?
Friday, the 26th of March, and no stupid joke to be had?
We have become a humorless lot. :roll:

Or are we simply saving it up for April Fools day? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: landsendlynda on March 27, 2010, 01:08:52 AM
Sure looks like everybody suddenly realized they were running out of time with their builds!!!  Of course, we've always got you handy, MM, to lighten the load!!

Lynda


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on March 27, 2010, 12:38:06 PM
With apologies for the lack of political correctness and picking on our neighbors to the south, if Stupid Joke Friday was without any entries, I offer this a day late:

Two Mexican chaps are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees a ham bush...."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 27, 2010, 02:07:58 PM
Sorry everyone, I was  out of town, forgot, and a day late. Won`t happen again :cheers:J.B.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Tzoom on March 27, 2010, 05:19:56 PM
With apologies for the lack of political correctness and picking on our neighbors to the south, if Stupid Joke Friday was without any entries, I offer this a day late:

Two Mexican chaps are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees a ham bush...."


If there is ever an award for the "Best (Worst) of Stupid Joke Friday" this one will be a finalist.  The envelope please.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 02, 2010, 08:34:09 AM
With apologies to the ladies of the site...........................Did you hear there is a new drug for women who turned lesbian but want to go back to being straight? It`s called "Tricoxagin" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 02, 2010, 09:08:05 AM
Yet another from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. 'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da ...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road ... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'.

'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'. 'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 02, 2010, 09:28:53 AM
Mike, can you get your uncle from Red Bluff to attend Salt Talks this year?  I think he'd be a great entertainer.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on April 02, 2010, 10:11:20 AM
As an un-reconstructed chauvinist, I pass along this scientifically documented study:

Behavior Procedures At A Bank's Drive-Thru ATM Machine:

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on April 02, 2010, 10:39:40 AM
One day, while going to the store, a guy passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. He thought this
was a bit unusual, but continued on his way to the store.

On his return trip, he passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time his curiosity got the best of him, & he went inside to talk to the
Nursing Home Administrator.  "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," she said. "They 're retired prostitutes, & they're having a yard
Sale."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on April 02, 2010, 10:43:14 AM
Got this today from a friend in Portugal, English is not his first language, but I won't make any corrections:

An airplane, are sit side by side, an Peasant and and a Jehovah's Witness.

The Peasant asks the hostess a glass of red wine.

The hostess then asks the Jehovah's Witness if he also want to drink something. The Jehovah's Witness, offended, replies:

- I'd rather liked to be savagely raped by a dozen Babylon's prostitutes, than a drop of alcohol touch my lips!

The Peasant returns the glass of red wine to the hostess and tell her:

- Me too!!! I didn't know we could choose!...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: michael lueders on April 02, 2010, 10:46:40 AM
Rude Customers - How to handle.

For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers - An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna , British Columbia for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded flight was canceled after Westjet's 767s had been withdrawn from service.
A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have you attention please, " she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Screw You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 02, 2010, 11:32:34 AM
Jehovah's Witnesses have no prohibition about drinking.  Maybe switch, for the sake of the joke, to Muslims or something.

Just thought I'd letcha know.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 02, 2010, 02:36:41 PM
Couple of these weren`t bad..................check the thread title :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on April 02, 2010, 02:53:58 PM
My apologies to the JW's reading.  But made me think of the local guy's '39 Stude drag race coupe when I was a kid, with the name "Holy Roller" painted on both sides.

But, here's another joke from Antonio in Portugal, again, without the English corrected:

T Ford and the Maserati Sebring:
He was on the road a Maserati Sebring to 100 miles/h, when suddenly, is exceeded by the famous Ford Model T, the driver shouts at him:
- Do you know the Ford T???!!!
The Maserati driver angry, depresse the accelerator and reaches 160 miles/h.
After some time, to great surprise of the driver of the Maserati Sebring, returns to being overtaken by the old machine of Henry Ford and again to the question, shouting:
- Do you know the Ford T???!!!
He was really upset and pulls the Maserati up to 180 miles/h. But again, the scene repeats with the scream:
- Do you know the Ford T???!!!
What you know?!... For a while, he couldn’t see the old Ford?!...
After a few miles, he see the Model T Ford that had hit a young little tree, which luckily the driver is bent under the old car and the victim, only suffered some minor abrasions.
Is was the time of the rematch of the driver of Italian car:
- Very well done! So you do not arm yourself in silly, bothering me with "do you know the Ford T?!"
- But I just wanted to know how to stop it... replied the Ford T driver.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 03, 2010, 07:11:24 PM
One more from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff, a day late:

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

“Emma come first.  Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”

The lady can't take this any more, “You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly!

“In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man.  “Who talkin' abouta sex?  I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '!’

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again   :cheers:
 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Cajun Kid on April 03, 2010, 08:30:53 PM
Bravo Mike  :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Geo on April 03, 2010, 08:45:48 PM
 :-D I  owe you $5.00   :cheers:

Geo


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on April 03, 2010, 10:30:45 PM
 :cheers: Ya got 5 worth acomma frmme also!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 09, 2010, 11:21:15 AM
Where do you find a dog with no legs?  Where ever you left it :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: geh458 on April 09, 2010, 11:47:06 AM
My offices management structure:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on April 09, 2010, 12:32:35 PM
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun.

"I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turned to the other Brother and says "then you must be....?"

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on April 09, 2010, 04:25:36 PM
A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell. The Devil summons them and says: "Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you'll have to eat a bucket of Subaru every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it's 2 buckets." The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks: "So, what's it like out there?"/ "Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of Subaru is killing me. And you?" / "Ah, it feels just like home - either the Subaru doesn't get delivered or there aren't enough buckets for everyone!"
___________________

A health care bureaucrat visits a mental hospital and gives a lecture about how great Obama Care is. Everybody claps loudly except for one person who keeps quiet. The lecturer asks: "why aren't you clapping?" and the person replies "I'm not crazy, I work here."


Title: A Tale of woe.....
Post by: geh458 on April 09, 2010, 05:42:46 PM
There I sat all broken hearted, had run 8 blocks, and only farted.

Then one day, I took a chance, did not run, and s%&t in my pants.

 :cry: :cry:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 09, 2010, 10:45:58 PM
NOT! from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 16, 2010, 09:02:54 AM
What would you name a baby girl with a birth mark that looks like a sinking ship ?  Mandy Lifeboats :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on April 16, 2010, 01:32:42 PM


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21 A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: geh458 on April 16, 2010, 03:44:06 PM
From the Junior High School bathroom reading list:

1.  Yellow River by I.P. Freely
2.  Under the Grandstands by Seymore Butts
3.  1000 Miles to the Outhouse by Willy Makit, edited by Betty Wont, illistrated by Shirly Hopeso


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 16, 2010, 04:29:21 PM
#4:  Rustle in the Bushes  by Noey Didn't.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: relaxedphit on April 17, 2010, 07:28:17 AM
Also one day late. Graffite (?) on porta-john wall. "Can you toast toilet paper? No, but I can brown it on one side."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Fheckro on April 17, 2010, 07:43:42 AM
What time is it if 5 elephants are chasing you?   
< 5 after 1 >


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on April 17, 2010, 08:03:04 AM
Q:  WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES   FOR?
A:  It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q:  WHAT  IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A:  It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

 Q:  WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A:  Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q:  WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER  WOMEN?
 A:  Because when they come, they're wild and wet.  But  when they go, they
Take your house and car with  them.

Q:  WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE  MORNING  ?
 A:  Because they don't have any balls to  scratch...


BONUS  QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

    A:  Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.



Nominated  as the world's best short joke

A  3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a  bath.


'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'


'Not yet,' she replied.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 23, 2010, 09:46:02 AM
What did one sagging boob say to the other sagging boob?  If we don`t get some support, People  will think we`re nuts  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 23, 2010, 09:53:34 AM
Jerry, they're getting lower (the jokes you post, that is) by the day.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 23, 2010, 10:50:32 AM
Jerry, they're getting lower (the jokes you post, that is) by the day.
Just trying to stay on topic, Jon :cheers:J.B


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 23, 2010, 11:19:59 AM
Another from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

AIN'T LOVE GRAND

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I  think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 ears ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what her name is.'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rambler jack on April 23, 2010, 02:31:35 PM
Carnation milk co. was having a contest for a new slogan. A young lady entered with, Carnation  milk is grand the best milk in the land.
She gave the letter to her brother to mail. Before he did so he added his own ideas and sent it off. A month or so later she received a letter saying she had won first prise. It went on to say that due to the content the slogan would only be used in personel sales contacts. Remembering she had given the letter to her brother she asked what he had done. He told her he had added to the slogan so that it read ," Carnation milk is grand the best milk in the land no t*ts to pull no sh*t to pitch just punch a hole in the son of a b*tch.
                                   Jack


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 30, 2010, 11:35:33 AM
Researchers have found the active chemical in beer...Turns out it`s a female hormone. Must be true, Because after 22 beers I start to talk Subaru and can`t drive worth a Dodge. :cheers: ( this is from memory, mind you)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 30, 2010, 01:32:13 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.  However, the gates are closed,  and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.  Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I  know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

'First:  What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

'Second:  How many seconds are there in a year?

'Third:  What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the  first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?  Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

St. Peter's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?  Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?  Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:  January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.  Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and very frustrated St. Peter.  'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song:

'ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
'ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
'ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,  and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 30, 2010, 08:06:10 PM
What was the 10th reindeer`s name?...."Olive"......."Olive the other reindeer".................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 30, 2010, 08:15:32 PM
What was the 10th reindeer`s name?...."Olive"......."Olive the other reindeer".................

She was the mean one - used to laugh and call him names.  I'll bet she was the one who orchestrated the ostracising of poor Rudolph.

DOE!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: dtimney on April 30, 2010, 09:06:43 PM
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says," Why the long face?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: relaxedphit on May 04, 2010, 11:56:12 AM
What do you call a Priest who robs a jazz club - Felonious Monk


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: manta22 on May 04, 2010, 12:32:37 PM
relaxedphit;

Arrrggghhh...............

Seriously, when Thelonious Monk's wife was miffed at him she called him "Melodious Thunk".

Regards, Neil


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on May 04, 2010, 10:24:52 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Another from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Yet another from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

So I asked myself, "Wow, what on earth is going on in Red Bluff that could make this crazy uncle of Mike's so prolific in the ways of humor?" 

Quote from Wikipedia -
"The town is well-known throughout the nation due to its popular bull competitions." :-D
May he never stop. :cheers:

Mike, warmest regards to your Crazy Uncle in Red Bluff!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 1212FBGS on May 04, 2010, 10:34:50 PM
well Mikes crazy uncle in red bluff told me this one.......

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?'  Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars  that I can stand on one side of your desk, and  pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and  never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides  there's no way this old guy could possibly  manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and  unzips his pants, but although he strains  mightily, he can't make the stream reach the  wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much  urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge  win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet  me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and Plymouth all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!


Kent


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 07, 2010, 05:00:37 AM
Two guys are in your kitchen. How do you tell which one is a cowboy??... He`s the one on the range :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on May 07, 2010, 09:30:21 AM
From an Austrian friend--

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on May 07, 2010, 11:48:14 AM
My crazy uncle from Red Bluff asked me to tell you guys how much he really appreciates the positive comments about his jokes.  He would have told you himself but he has legal restrictions about communicating on the internet with anyone besides immediate family.  :-D

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
  
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
  
He replies, "Yes - caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
 
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."  
  
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
  
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.  You can start tomorrow at 10:00AM - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."  
  
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: geh458 on May 07, 2010, 01:31:30 PM
What do you call a Priest who robs a jazz club - Felonious Monk

Some good music there, I recently bought a multi CD set that about 7 songs by him.



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 14, 2010, 06:56:01 AM
A grizzly bear walks in to a bar and says " I`ll have a rum and...................coke" Bartender says " What`s with the big pause"? and the bear says " I`ve had them all my life"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on May 14, 2010, 04:29:29 PM
From a friend in the medical trades:

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.       
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. M, San Francisco


2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . .  I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient. 

Submitted by Dr. R,  Seattle , WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. S


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. .
‘Which one ?'. .. . I asked. '
The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. R,  Norfolk , VA


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. S,  Corvallis , OR


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.’ .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. L,  Detroit


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery...
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN, no name,


8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said.  . . 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '

   Dr. wouldn't submit his name....


1 MORE--
 
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,’ she said, ‘I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.’


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on May 14, 2010, 06:47:01 PM
OK, here's one from first hand experience............

When I was about 19 I worked as a theater orderly at a public hospital here in Melbourne. Specifically I worked in the anesthetics department restocking and cleaning the procedure cabinets that sit next to the table  in the theater and the Boyles machines that have all the gas regulating gear on them.

Generally theaters have what are referred to as surgical "lists" the same stuff goes on at the same time of the week, Wednesdays at the Queen Vic was ENT ( ear, nose and throat) the bulk of it was rhinoplastys( straightening the bone structure) and septoplastys (opening up the inside of noses).Not cosmetic but more so people can breathe properly. Most local anesthetics are artificial cocaine derivitives like Xylocaine or what people commonly call "Novacaine"....these work as a local anesthetic AND they also work as a vaso-constrictor closing down capillaries and minimising bleeding.....however the best thing for this is just plain old cocaine. Because of the nature of the nose having a high blood supply and no way to put a tourniquet on it the best pre-operative procedure is to pack the nostrils with cocaine impregnated gauze, pharmaceutical grade,100% cocaine.

This procedure would generally be done by a trainee surgeon about 20minutes or so before the patient went into surgery and make no mistake people don't stick cocaine up their noses for no reason, when it's pharmaceutical grade it numbs them from their scalp to their adams apple and sends them off a bit......at the same time some of these patients have already had some other type of pre-op medication....While packing the patients nostrils the doctor will be explaining to them that it is being done so as to minimise pain, swelling and bleeding during and after the operation.

Anyway , I'm standing in one of the theater ante-rooms with my supervisor a very camp six foot four seventeen stone guy called Bruce(no , not kidding and he had dyed multi colored hair), we are watching as a very nervy trainee begins the nose pack gig on a patient, blah , blah.......Bruce leans down and whispers to me " mmmmmmm, and make sure you get the right patient this time you silly man"......................

The week before the same guy had dutifully packed the nose of a woman explaining as he went that it would reduce the pain, and swelling and bleeding during and after the operation , which she probably thought was kinda weird.......because she was going in to see the gynacologist.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 14, 2010, 08:59:16 PM
Hmmmm....Let me show you how this thread works......This guy with dyxlesia walked in to a bra............


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SlyOneJr on May 15, 2010, 12:04:34 AM
One more for the Junior High School Reading List:

"The Tigers Revenge" by Claude Balls


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on May 15, 2010, 07:57:28 AM
Hmmmm....Let me show you how this thread works......This guy with dyxlesia walked in to a bra............

why thanks assgroper


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: doug odom on May 15, 2010, 11:01:43 AM
You guys better be careful or you will get DAM after you.

DAM......    Mothers Against Dyslexia


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on May 15, 2010, 03:39:20 PM
Hmmmm....Let me show you how this thread works......This guy with dyxlesia walked in to a bra............
Hey - HEY - HEY!  This ain't funny.  I suffer from lesdyxia, and even I know how to take off a bar. :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Snot Rocket on May 20, 2010, 03:09:39 AM
The hillbillys were actually pretty smart, so smart in fact that they invented oral hygiene. You know if anyone else invented it we would be using teeth brushes and teeth paste...

Whats a hillbillys favorite activity on Halloween? Pumpkin...

A hillbilly gets off of work from the coal mine and is walking home when he notices that all of his clothes are sitting in the front yard and that his wife is throwing the rest of his possessions out into the front yard also. He asks his wife what is going on and she replies that she wants a divorce because she just found out that he was a pedophile. He then realized that pedophile was a very big word for a 12 year old...

Yeah, I know... It ain't Friday...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 20, 2010, 06:13:57 AM
"Lighten up" PM sent.

Jon


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bvillercr on May 20, 2010, 01:44:25 PM
 :-o :-o :-o Look out. :-D :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: wolcottjl on May 20, 2010, 03:35:39 PM
Back to the medical humor - I think the emergency room doctor submitted this one to Readers Digest.

I have 4 boys ages 24 down to 11 and all of them are quite active in sports.  Needless to say we have been to the emergency room more than a few times.  A couple of years ago my 14 year old who at the time was 10 or 11 decided that he wanted to try and slide down the banister.  Well it didn't work to well and he fell from the second floor to the first floor hallway clipping a table before he smacked the hardwood floor.  He sat up after a few seconds - seemed ok except for a gusher out of the bottom of his foot.  He had caught a candlestick with his bare foot coming down. 

Off to the hospital - Of course my wife had called 911 in a panic when it happened and I hung up before before they answered (or so I thought).  Myself, wife and son make it to the emergency room after a bit of a drive in 2 feet of snow (DC doesn't do to well removing that much snow).  Anyway I walk in carrying him and the doctor looks up and says - Hey Joel -  Which one now? What did he do this time?  You know you have been to the ER one to many times when the doctor on staff at 11:00 at night on a Sunday is on a first name basis with you. 

About that time a nurse looks up and says,  sir I think your son is on the phone with a police officer.  The cops had showed up at our house with an ambulance and were none too happy when we weren't there.  I guess I hung up on 911 a little too late.  They thought someone was dying and dispatched fire-rescue, an ambulance, and a police cruiser.  My oldest told them we were at the hospital and they wanted to verify.  Anyway that all gets straightened out and the doctor looks at my son's foot.  He tells him that he is going to need a few stitches under his big toe.  My son looks at him and starts to cry for the first time since the accident. 

The doctor asks him what's wrong - My sons looks up and asks him.  Are you going to use a sewing machine?  Because I think that is going to hurt. 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 21, 2010, 04:27:51 AM
Speaking of Friday........................How deep would the oceans be if they weren`t full of sponges??? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 21, 2010, 04:29:30 AM
Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic???????? :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 21, 2010, 09:43:15 AM
 :-D  Three guys standing on the street corner, a black guy, white guy, and a Mexican guy.  They have had a couple of adult beverages in the tavern, and now they are out on the corner discussing how they would like to "buy" a woman for the nite.  They pool their money together and come up with $40.  A hooker is walking buy and she hears the three talking.  She says, "Hey fellahs, I could use some extra money, but I will only go home with one of you for $40.  So, to make it a contest to see who I go home with,,,the man who comes up with the best sentence using the words liver and cheese can have me for the nite.      After a minute or so the black guy jumps out and says, "Lordy, lordy. lordy mamma!  I sure does love to eat that liver and cheese!   The hooker says, that has alot of soul to it!   The white guy steps up and says,  frankly, a person from my culture, cares for neither liver, nor cheese.  The hooker says, "thats just lame....   The little Mexican guy looks at the black guy, then the white guy, and says...."Leever alone,,,cheese mine!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on May 21, 2010, 11:35:27 AM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:  :mrgreen:

Backwoods funeral in UP Michigan

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play my bagpipes at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in rural Michigan.

I wasn't familiar with the mountain roads so I ended up getting lost and, being a typical man, didn't stop to ask for directions.  I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had already gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  The only ones left were the diggers and crew and they were on their lunch break.
 
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave, looked down, and saw that the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do so I started to play.  The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I played like I've never played before. 

And as I played  'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
 
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
 
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting In septic tanks for twenty years."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Snot Rocket on May 21, 2010, 11:55:59 AM
A king on a remote island was very loved by his people, and they wanted to show him how much they cared for him, so they got together and decided to build him a throne to sit on during island functions and give it to him as a present. The rock carvers searched all over the island for the perfect stone to carve the throne out of, and finally found it after looking for two months. They transported the stone back to their workshop which took a week. They started chiseling out the form of the throne, and the whole time they were doing this, the other islanders looked around the island for things to adorn the throne with. Several of the islanders found gems, and a couple of them found silver nuggets to put on the throne. Finally, after seven months of carving, chiseling and decorating the throne for their king, they presented it to him. He was extremely happy, but realized that he couldn't leave the throne out where other islands might come by and steal his throne, so the islanders decided to build a shelf over the kings bed in his grass hut to put the throne on so that no one would steal it. After a week, the shelf was complete and they placed the throne on it. The king went to bed that night, and in the middle of the night, the shelf broke killing their king. The morale?





People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dakzila on May 21, 2010, 01:02:12 PM
My contribution......


A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
>  congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
>  passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so
>  would his paycheck.
>
>  After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
>  congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the 
> preacher's
>  expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering
>  ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were
>  costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
>
>  After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from
>  his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take
>  as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.
>
>  In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally
>  said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when
>  we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
>
>  The entire congregation said, 'Amen



Ron B.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 28, 2010, 10:02:17 AM
I`m such a pessimist, my blood type is B negative :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dakzila on May 28, 2010, 12:32:40 PM
A good one - 5 Minute Management Course
 
Lesson 1:
 
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
 
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
 
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
 
Moral of the story:
 
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
 
Lesson 2:
 
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
 
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
 
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
 
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
 
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
 
Lesson 3:
 
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
 
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
 
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'
 
Puff! He's gone.
 
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'
 
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
 
Lesson 4
 
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
 
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
 
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
 
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
 
Lesson 5
 
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
 
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
 
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
 
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
 
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
 
Lesson 6
 
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
 
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh**s on you is your enemy.
 
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your
friend.
 
(3) And when you're in deep sh**, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
 
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Ron B.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on June 02, 2010, 04:50:08 PM
Just getting a jump on Friday....

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS:           Because George still had the axe in his hand....   


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Lynchy on June 03, 2010, 07:22:09 PM
It's Friday in Australia

Quote
A grizzly bear walks in to a bar and says " I`ll have a rum and...................coke" Bartender says " What`s with the big pause"? and the bear says " I`ve had them all my life"

Reminds me of the one about the grasshopper that hops into a bar, hops up on a barstool and orders a drink. The bartender says, "hey, we have a drink here named after you!" and the grasshopper replies, "What? Kevin?"

An oldy but a crappy


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on June 03, 2010, 11:44:06 PM
Yeah, but sometimes the crappy ones make me smile.   :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 04, 2010, 05:32:37 AM
This guy goes to a doctor because he has strawberries growing out of his head. Doc. looks at him and says..."I`ll give you some cream for those " :cheers:


Title: Irish humor
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on June 04, 2010, 12:50:40 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that Dodge gun....'
 
____________________________________________________________


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 04, 2010, 01:34:38 PM
Anyone else think Mike should bring his uncle to Salt talks and give him a "Mr. Microphone???? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on June 04, 2010, 01:35:43 PM
Anyone else think Mike should bring his uncle to Salt talks and give him a "Mr. Microphone???? :cheers:


+1 vote for Mike's Uncle at the salt!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: landsendlynda on June 05, 2010, 12:29:56 AM
Plus 2!!

Lynda


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on June 05, 2010, 09:34:20 AM
General Motors has finally stepped up to the plate and has developed very advanced technology.

They have hired the best engineers, chemists and physicists.

The outcome is that they have developed a car that runs on water!

The only catch is the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: michael lueders on June 09, 2010, 06:22:21 PM
*10 Husbands, Still a Virgin*
 
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 11, 2010, 06:31:00 AM
A guy is fumbling for coins to put in a parking meter when a pair of ducks walk by. He asks if one of them has a quarter and one duck says..." No, We just  have bills"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Snot Rocket on June 12, 2010, 07:51:13 AM
Four drunks are in a bar talking and trying to figure out what the fastest thing that there is, the 1st drunk says , "Light, it goes 186,000 miles per second, and that's what everything is measured by". The drunks think about this for a few seconds, and then the second drunk speaks up. "I think the fastest thing is a blink, says in the Bible that he will come in the blinking of an eye, gotta be the fastest thing". The 3rd drunk says "Naah, that can't be it, you gotta think about blinking, so a thought has gotta be faster than that. I say a thought is the fastest thing". The other three drunks look at the fourth who has his head on the Bar almost passed out and ask him what he thinks is the fastest thing. The 4th drunk lifts his head, says "Diarrhea" and puts his head back on the bar. The other three drunks look at each other, and wake the 4th drunk back up to explain his answer. He replies "Yesterday morning, after drinking all night, I went to bed, and before I could think, blink, or turn a light on, I had Subaru all over myself".


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 18, 2010, 06:35:22 AM
A friend wanted to buy a bakery...But she couldn`t raise the dough............................. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on June 18, 2010, 08:43:53 AM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'  St. Peter asked.
 
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.  'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.  I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
 
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'
 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on June 18, 2010, 12:09:23 PM
The golf club's resident duffer decided to challenge the pro to a $500 match.  The pro was curious and asked about the proposed game, and the duffer replied that they'd play even up -- but that he (the duffer) would be allowed two "gotchas".  The pro didn't know what the heck was a "gotcha" but figured he'd be able to win anyway -- so they headed for the first tee.

A few hours later the folks at the clubhouse saw the pair returning after the 18th hole -- and were stunned to see the pro handing over a big wad of cash.  When the guys got in the clubhouse they were asked about the match and why the old guy beat the pro, and the pro replied:

"Well, as we were at the first tee and I was beginning my swing, this old fart reached up between my legs and grabbed my private parts while yelling "Gotcha!".  The crowd said, okay so why did you lose?

"Have you ever played a round of golf wondering when the NEXT gotcha will happen?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 25, 2010, 06:40:57 AM
Why does a milking stool have 3 legs??? ..Because the cow has the udder :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on June 26, 2010, 02:13:47 PM
Why does a milking stool have 3 legs??? ..Because the cow has the udder :cheers:

My friend, you're on the wrong side of the lake for cheezy dairy jokes. :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on June 26, 2010, 05:47:50 PM
Puns.  The lowest form of humor. 

1. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

2. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.  Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

3. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

4. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fredvance on June 26, 2010, 07:27:08 PM
#4 was a coffee spitter, :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on June 26, 2010, 10:18:04 PM
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."


An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Enough, I'm going back out to the garage.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on June 27, 2010, 10:27:05 AM
 :-D Thank you!!!!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 02, 2010, 04:45:31 AM
I had a job as a life guard once......Some lady with a blue kid got me fired............... :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on July 02, 2010, 08:56:29 AM
 :?

(http://sweetcottagecharm.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/las-vegas-blue-man-group.png)

 :mrgreen:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on July 02, 2010, 09:09:46 AM
I had a job as a surgeon once. I got fired. It wasn't so much for the surgical practice as it was for the deep grooves in the operating table.  :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 02, 2010, 09:46:03 AM
Two secrets to success..(1) Don`t reveal everything you know. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on July 02, 2010, 12:23:27 PM
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 02, 2010, 01:22:13 PM
 :cheers:  And to cure the hiccups.....stick your head in a bucket of water three times,,,,,,,,,but only take it out twice.                        Also,,,,,,I LOVE children,,,,,,,,baked, broiled or fried!!     Happy 4th holiday to you all!    Crow.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on July 02, 2010, 01:44:19 PM
Ok, one bad pun deserves another:
 

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,





Wait for it.  Wait for it..




You're just gonna love this..






(http://thebsreport.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/bp_logo_color.jpg)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on July 02, 2010, 04:52:48 PM
Where do bees go to pee?

A BP station.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 03, 2010, 10:18:28 AM
 :-D  One of my favorite late Aunts jokes.  Every time I hear it I think of her!   Thank you!     Crow.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 09, 2010, 08:30:50 AM
What has more lives than a cat???  A frog...They croak every night


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on July 09, 2010, 01:02:47 PM
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff sent along this new Microsoft product:

(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_X0foKsqcNpU/R0Wsz5k06pI/AAAAAAAAAhY/YNAu5t18JFA/s400/Microsoft+Word+for+Blondes+1.0.jpg)

He says that it is typical Microsoft: they'll have version 1.1 out on Monday; it will have a bigger eraser.

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: doug odom on July 09, 2010, 01:40:48 PM
The version 1.2 will have " PRINT " on the lead end and " DELETE " on the eraser end.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: geh458 on July 09, 2010, 01:48:36 PM
ATTABOY's

ATTABOY's are awarded to those that do good deeds, finish a job ahead of schedule, set a new record, etc.  The collection of 1000 ATTABOY's earns you the respect and admiration of your peers, and entitles you to be a leader of men.

But remember, one AHSH*T wipes the board clean, and you have to start over.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: healewis on July 14, 2010, 08:10:20 AM
didn't want to go through 30 odd pages to see if this was already in the thread so I apologise if it is :lol:

Two snow men in field full of snow, one turns to the other, takes a few sniffs and says "Can you smell carrots?"
 :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on July 14, 2010, 09:08:57 AM
Railroad tracks.

The  US  standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

 
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the  US  railroads.

 
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

 
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
 
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in  England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
 
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial  Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including  England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

 
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

 
Since the chariots were made for Imperial  Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

 
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's Acura came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

 
Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in  Utah
 
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
 
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's Acura. And you thought being a horse's Acura wasn't important?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 16, 2010, 05:21:12 AM
If your pet fish goes deaf, do you buy it a herring aid????? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on July 16, 2010, 10:42:45 AM
Incident At Cabela's

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,
'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite
rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a
good all around combination; and it's on sale this week
for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that
just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll
take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops
on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At
first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is
no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only
person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be
$34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale
for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is
$20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is
$3.50.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: aircap on July 16, 2010, 08:22:27 PM
I love it. (my Dad was howling)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 23, 2010, 08:52:51 AM
I put on a clean pair of socks every day this week................Now my shoes don`t fit.....................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on July 23, 2010, 09:48:56 AM
News from a friend out West:

GOOD

A Boise, Idaho policeman had a perfect
spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the
problem--a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign,
which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an
accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full
of money.

(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

 

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Moscow,
Idaho. A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.



BEST

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Idaho State Trooper walked to her
car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball."
He replied, "Idaho State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his
patrol car and left.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Constant Kinetics on July 23, 2010, 12:10:53 PM
most of the credit for this one belongs to Flip Wilson:

      A land speed racing team finally had their lakester ready for a test run. Not far away was a pretty much abbandoned farm road that almost never saw any traffic. While setting up, they attract the attention of a neighborhood kid, who rides over on his minibike to check it out.
      "Wow! Ive never seen anything like that before! What is it?" says the kid.
     "That's our lakester, we're gonna try and set the new land speed record with it." the driver replies proudly.
      "Can I watch?" the boy asks.
      "Sure." agrees the driver.
     The lakester takes off, the kid right behind it riding on his minibike. The driver sees him and laughs smugly.
      "Now its time to open 'er up" the driver says to himself. The driver accelerates hard. The lakester is picking up speed, faster, faster, " and the kid thought he could keep up on a minibike."
      At a little over 200, the driver looked back and not only was the kid keeping up, he was gaining on him! Doing a double take, the driver actually watched as the minibike passed him up. Frustrated, the driver begins slowing down. By the time he comes to a complete stop, the kid is coming back over to the lakester fast, BACKWARDS!
       SMASH!!!! the kid and minibike hit the parked lakester. The minibike is in pieces and the dazed kid is sprawled out on the hood.
      "Kid, are you okay?" the driver asked, shocked by everything that just happened.
      "I think so." he replies in a shaky voice.
      "Can I do anything to help?" the concerned driver asks.
      "My susspenders snagged on your car, can you unhook them?"


Title: Real News Story!
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on July 23, 2010, 01:37:14 PM

Barrasso stops Billy Carter Service Station Museum from becoming national park

By Alex Pappas -- The Daily Caller | Published: 11:00 AM 07/23/2010 | Updated: 1:03 PM 07/23/2010

The gas station of former President Jimmy Carter’s beer drinking brother will not become a national historic site paid for by taxpayers — at least, not yet.

Legislation that would expand the former president’s national historic site by 30 acres at a cost of $17 million over five years was pulled from consideration during a Senate committee meeting Thursday. Republican Sen. John Barrasso of Wyoming offered an amendment preventing the Billy Carter Service Station Museum from being included in the expansion, making the Georgia museum a national park. The House has already passed similar legislation.

“The Los Angeles Times posed the question best: ‘In the age of the $787-billion stimulus package, it is, perhaps, a modest question: Should the American taxpayer foot the bill to enshrine the gas station run by the late Billy Carter?’’ Barrasso said during the meeting. “I believe the answer is no.”

The younger Carter was known for his outlandish behavior while his older brother was president, including his promotion of “Billy Beer.”

(http://redneckcertificate.com/gallery/billy-carter.jpg)


According to Barrasso’s office, it is unclear when the bill will receive a vote, though his office says he “will continue to fight to ensure that no taxpayer dollars are used to support the Billy Carter Gas Station.”

The Billy Carter Gas Station is privately owned, but its ownership would be transferred to the government if the legislation is approved. The gas station has old gasoline pumps, stacked tires outside, colorful articles from Carter’s closet, commendations from around the world and “Billy Beer” paraphernalia.

“Mother always believed — and she convinced the rest of us — that Billy was the most brilliant member of the family,” said Jimmy Carter, according to a past Associated Press report. “And I don’t think anybody would doubt that.”

Billy Carter died in 1988 of cancer.

http://dailycaller.com/2010/07/23/barrasso-stops-billy-carter-service-station-museum-from-becoming-national-park/ (http://dailycaller.com/2010/07/23/barrasso-stops-billy-carter-service-station-museum-from-becoming-national-park/)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 30, 2010, 10:32:56 AM
What do call a calf that is over 6 months old??? ...........  7 months old :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 30, 2010, 11:04:04 AM
The best way to catch a rabbit?    Sit behind a bush, and make a noise like a carrot!          Crow.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 06, 2010, 05:02:59 AM
I wanted to be a history teacher until I found out there was no future in it.......................... :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on August 06, 2010, 09:13:52 AM
Quote
I wanted to be a history teacher until I found out there was no future in it..........................

Hey me too! I used to watch the History Channel, but it's nothing but re-runs.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 06, 2010, 11:20:04 AM
  On his 77th birthday, Pete got a gift certificate from his wife Molly. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a cure for erectile dysfunction.

  After being persuaded, Pete drove to the reservation and handed his gift certificate to the medicine man.

  The medicine man produced a potion, handed it to Pete, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."

  Pete was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

  The medicine man responded, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4;' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

  Eager to see if it would work, Pete went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3". Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

  His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

  And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition. ... Because we could end up with a dangling participle...........

 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: landsendlynda on August 06, 2010, 11:44:50 AM
 Mike   :cheers:   :cheers:    :cheers:    :cheers: 

Lynda


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 13, 2010, 11:16:46 AM
A guy  goes to the emergency room and says he feels like a deck of cards.....The doc. says" I`ll deal with you later" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 13, 2010, 12:05:20 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
 
His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
 
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
 
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.'
 
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
 
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
 
 

---- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: stwheeler on August 13, 2010, 04:21:34 PM
 
WHEN
I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a
couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed  it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.  ''Not
until you have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet.

''Now, if this  vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of
this  Horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat  the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you
 a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 20, 2010, 08:36:29 AM
I know a guy who`s a  Dyslexic Devil worshipper....He sold his soul to Santa.............. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 20, 2010, 08:40:36 AM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

FIRST TIME SEX 
 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
 

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.   
 
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the  pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.  The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
 
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.  The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
 
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on August 20, 2010, 03:47:35 PM
Question:

Upon entering a laboratory, you see an experiment. How do you know which class it belongs to?

Answer:

If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.

If it stinks, it's chemistry.

If it doesn't work, it's physics.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: will6er on August 26, 2010, 10:21:33 PM
I know a guy who`s a  Dyslexic Devil worshipper....He sold his soul to Santa.............. :cheers:

Maybe he believes in Dog.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on August 26, 2010, 10:38:54 PM
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is:  Always keep your condoms in your car.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 27, 2010, 12:47:45 PM
Is reading jokes written on bathroom stalls considered multi-tasking???


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: doug odom on August 27, 2010, 01:04:40 PM
My wife joined DAM ...............  Mothers again"t Dyslexia


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on August 27, 2010, 10:36:12 PM
The economy is so bad that: I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" CEO's are now playing miniature golf. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. The Mafia is laying off judges. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear! And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Thank you, thank you.  I'll be here all weekend.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: John Noonan on August 27, 2010, 11:32:24 PM
The economy is so bad that: I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" CEO's are now playing miniature golf. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. The Mafia is laying off judges. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear! And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Thank you, thank you.  I'll be here all weekend.


The BEST so far ! !  ! ! !


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 03, 2010, 07:00:00 AM
Why can`t you starve in the desert??  Because of the sand which is everywhere   :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: A2WindTunnel on September 03, 2010, 07:09:58 AM

This is pretty funny!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SsJ1eo9kqE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SsJ1eo9kqE)
.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 03, 2010, 01:13:00 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to  Afghanistan.'

An old M/Sgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,  'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3147/2622093527_4af66faf23.jpg)

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We no longer call it the cockpit'

'It's the Box Office.'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 10, 2010, 05:05:02 AM
Why couldn`t the bicycle stand on it`s own?? Because it was two tired :cheers: ( at least I stay on topic)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 10, 2010, 08:39:54 AM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Nude Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
 
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air . "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope... just when it's raining."
 
 :roll:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on September 10, 2010, 01:37:01 PM
Charley went to the cemetery to visit a recently passed friend.

As he was walking through the grounds, much to his horror he noticed there were recent burials and the body was exposed.

In fact, he noticed a whole row where they were buried with the butt sticking out of the ground.

Charley stormed into the office and demanded to know what was going on.

The office manager calmly informed him that they were short on bicycle racks.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Freud on September 10, 2010, 08:15:03 PM
Funny, not as a joke but as an event.

It's worth a few minutes.

Probably happened at Dan's impound.


How fast can you take a Jeep apart, then put it back together?
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gD78rTF0Rjo


FREUD


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: racefan on September 16, 2010, 09:47:23 AM
A man was dining in a fancy restaurant , and there was a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since
he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket
toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air,
and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre
and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest
dreams and he shared his.. .. She listened.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful
time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said,
"You are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way? "

"No, " she replied. . ...........


" You just happened to catch my eye. "


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 17, 2010, 08:26:22 AM
How many ears does Mr. Spock have??  Three ...left ear, right ear and the final front ear. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 17, 2010, 08:43:40 AM
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff loves Fridays:

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on September 17, 2010, 09:46:02 AM
 :-D AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 24, 2010, 07:24:25 AM
A couple who have been married 50 years are walking across a field when they come to an old wishing well. The guy tosses in a coin and makes a wish.  The lady leans over the edge to drop her coin and falls to her death. The man says ' I`ll be darned.....These things do work"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 24, 2010, 11:15:19 AM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 01, 2010, 06:44:36 AM
If a clock is still hungry after it eats, Does it go back for seconds??  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: t russell on October 01, 2010, 09:33:34 PM
From my brother in law , How do you know if your cat is a redneck



It walks in to the living room and throws dynomite into the fish bowl.

terry


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: relaxedphit on October 02, 2010, 06:52:57 PM
I once accused a fiend of mine of fishing with dynamite and he got a real hurt look on his face and said "you know I ain't used dynamite since Honda came out with those little generators." Redneck gone high-tech.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dakzila on October 03, 2010, 12:15:58 PM
 :-D  A great mental picture!!!!

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the
time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his
problem.  The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have
a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the
examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one
finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his
head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the
right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip
on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt.  The doctor then told the
midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"  The midget replied,
"Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.  What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots..."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: pookie on October 03, 2010, 01:42:22 PM
  Hey Dakzila.  Now  that is a really funny joke.. I am still laughing 10 minutes after the fact.... Good on you!!!  Mike R.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 08, 2010, 06:48:18 AM
A friend uses both left and right handed shot guns for deer hunting.......He`s bambi-dextrous


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 15, 2010, 04:41:45 AM
Is this thing on????.....A lawyer opened a bar...All they served were Supeona Coladas :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 15, 2010, 08:06:25 AM
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff loves Friday  :mrgreen:

An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.  Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea.  He also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thing, hows about gettin me a cold glass of Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?". The waitress nodded so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke too.

As Jesus got up to leave. He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The English man felt his back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumps up and yells, "Hey man don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Moxnix on October 15, 2010, 09:33:25 AM
NASCAR would be an interesting motorsport if half the cars were running in the opposite direction.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on October 15, 2010, 04:11:02 PM
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bas*%$ds at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 55chevr on October 15, 2010, 04:43:04 PM
Moxnix ... they sorta do this at the local 1/4 mile, call it figure 8 and it isnt that interesting ...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 22, 2010, 06:33:36 AM
What is a caveman`s favorite sandwich??....The Club :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Moxnix on October 22, 2010, 10:10:06 AM
Truths For Mature Humans
 
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
 
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
 
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
 
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.   
 
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
 
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
 
7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
 
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
 
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
 
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
 
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
 
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
 
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any  changes to.
 
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.   
 
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
 
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
 
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
 
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
 
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
 
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
 
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
 
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
 
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
 
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.  That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.     (Ladies.....Quit Laughing.)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: robfrey on October 24, 2010, 10:05:57 PM
Good ones. Very good!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 29, 2010, 06:55:52 AM
Historians  have found  that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.  Unfortunately, All of the league records were lost in a fire , so we`ll never know for whom the Tell`s bowled........................... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on October 29, 2010, 10:33:20 AM
Cowboy Wisdom
 
The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time
so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that
Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's
man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.

They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I
went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good
night...

Bob sat up and watched me all night."
 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 05, 2010, 06:25:34 AM
Q: what do you call a fake noodle /  A:  An Impasta :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 12, 2010, 08:47:51 AM
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common ?.... Their middle names. :cheers: (I`ll be here all week...Don`t forget to tip your waitress)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 19, 2010, 08:11:40 AM
This guy takes his black lab to the vet because it`s cross-eyed. Doc picks up the dog, looks at it`s eyes and says  he`ll  have to put him down. Guy says " Because he`s cross-eyed???" Doc says ' No,...Because he`s heavy" :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on November 19, 2010, 01:13:04 PM
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies.
One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: maguromic on November 19, 2010, 02:37:33 PM
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies.
One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

This one stinks.  :-D  Tony


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on November 19, 2010, 03:30:08 PM
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you Subaru on its head!!!'



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: ol38y on November 19, 2010, 04:43:45 PM
 :-D now that's funny, I don't care who you are...  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 26, 2010, 08:36:18 PM
I decide to name my pet newt "Tiny"....Because he`s my newt :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: debgeo on November 26, 2010, 11:54:10 PM
 :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 03, 2010, 05:57:50 AM
Guy goes to the doctor and says ' You have to help me, I`m turning into a set of curtains"....Doc. says " You have to pull yourself together"........................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on December 03, 2010, 08:45:29 AM
Guy goes to the doctor and says ' You have to help me, I`m turning into a set of curtains"....Doc. says " You have to pull yourself together"........................

am I the only one who thinks this thread is drawing to a close?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: debgeo on December 03, 2010, 09:00:47 AM
 :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on December 03, 2010, 10:10:52 AM
 :roll: AAAAAWWWWW  come on!  I get some of my best material from here!  ( Thats a joke Son!)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on December 03, 2010, 10:34:26 AM
This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits. She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink." There's an old drunk sitting next to her. Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink." She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another. The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants." Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?" The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 03, 2010, 12:39:54 PM
Guy goes to the doctor and says ' You have to help me, I`m turning into a set of curtains"....Doc. says " You have to pull yourself together"........................

am I the only one who thinks this thread is drawing to a close?
Doc, You need this more than I do   www.instantrimshot.com :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 03, 2010, 09:05:26 PM
Friday bonus for Doc.G`s Mrs.    What would you call bears without ears??...."B" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 10, 2010, 05:53:58 AM
Who rides around in a sleigh biting people ???....Santa Jaws :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on December 10, 2010, 11:57:38 AM

A young Arab asks his father:

What is this weird hat that we are wearing?

Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?

It's a "djellabah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?

These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!

Tell me, Father. . .?                                                                                   

Yes my son?       

Why are we living in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing all this stuff?



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on December 10, 2010, 12:48:49 PM
Hmm, okay.  My crazy uncle in Red Bluff sent this:

(http://www.strangemilitary.com/images/content/170703.JPG)

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on December 10, 2010, 02:18:19 PM

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me subaru."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 10, 2010, 03:10:26 PM
??????....??????Blood "goof-off"??.....???Work-up?? Slim, Back those filter settings down a turn or two. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on December 10, 2010, 06:05:48 PM
Friday bonus for Doc.G`s Mrs.    What would you call bears without ears??...."B" :cheers:

I set up some soooooper doooooper recording gear , when she heard that joke I captured this............

http://free-loops.com/2056-groan.html


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: debgeo on December 10, 2010, 06:39:41 PM
Maybe Jon's definition of wo r k is goof-off  :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on December 10, 2010, 09:07:32 PM
??????....??????Blood "goof-off"??.....???goof-off-up?? Slim, Back those filter settings down a turn or two. :cheers:

Well someone did ask to filter that 4 letter word that starts with w....  :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 10, 2010, 09:33:35 PM
Hey Slim...Your filter messed up my styling sig. line :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on December 10, 2010, 09:41:56 PM
Hey, that's cool.  Thanks for telling us all to look there, Jerry.  Maybe I'll work on another "w" word -- just to mess with your sig.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on December 11, 2010, 12:23:40 AM
When my niece was little her dad was catching hell from mom for saying . . . hell.

His response to my niece was to point up to the sky and say, "See that up there? That's a hecktacopter"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 17, 2010, 05:19:32 AM
Which is the laziest mountain??......Mount Ever-rest :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dakzila on December 17, 2010, 02:21:26 PM
Doctor David had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
 long.

 No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
 The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

 But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice
 in his head that said,

 "David, don't worry about it.  She's a bitch anyway, and you aren't the first medical practitioner
 to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last."

 "And you're single. Just let it go, David."

 But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
 whispering:

 "David . . . you're a veterinarian, you sick SOB!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on December 17, 2010, 03:22:49 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She   writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.  Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed..

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!  Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!  There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 24, 2010, 04:42:55 AM
News flash**************The Energizer Bunny has been arrested...He was charged with battery. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on December 24, 2010, 01:39:42 PM
News flash**************The Energizer Bunny has been arrested...He was charged with battery. :cheers:
Pa rum pa pum pum . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on December 24, 2010, 02:13:02 PM
Dear Kids:

There is no Santa Claus. Those presents are from your parents and relatives.

Love, WikiLeaks.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 31, 2010, 08:52:28 AM
A  love struck teenager asks his father how much it costs to get married....Dad says " I don`t know....I`m still paying....."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on December 31, 2010, 09:40:55 AM
Why Italians Pass Their Handguns Down Through The Family‏

An Old Italian man is dying.

He calls his grandson to his bedside... “Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man... Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on December 31, 2010, 10:39:38 AM
This one is for Bob Wanner.  It may have been posted here in the dim, dark past -- but here it is anyway.

There was a fellow that had an unusual gastrointestinal problem, in that whenever he passed gas the sound was just like that of a motorcycle exhaust.  He was, of course, embarrassed enough that he visited his doctor, a few specialists in digestive ailments and diseases, and so on -- with no relief.  One of the docs, though, suggested that this guy go see an oriental physician that was widely-known for diagnosing unusual problems.  So -- our noisy guy made an appointment with Dr. Chang.

The good doctor asked a few questions about the guy's diet, bowel habits, and even the exercise regimen he followed.  That didn't bring up any answers, so the doctor next asked if the man had any trouble with his teeth.

"Why, yes, I do", said the guy.  "My gum is swollen right under two of my teeth."

"Ah so", said the Oriental.  He immediately prescribed some antibiotics for the inflamed gumline and sent the guy home - with a request that he return in two weeks for a follow-up.

two weeks later at the appointment the doctor asked about the strange eructations (fancy word for noise made by gas escaping from the body).  The fellow was pleased to report that he now could break wind silently with the best of them -- no more "vroom-vroom" or anything.  He thanked the doctor and asked him how he was able to diagnose the problem. 

The doctor replied:  Ancient Chinese proverb - says "Abcess makes the fart go Honda".


Title: Her Diary- His Diary
Post by: 38flattie on December 31, 2010, 06:30:40 PM

 Her Diary:

 Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans
to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say
much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if
it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it
had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way
home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't
say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally,
with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he
responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he
was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell
asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

LSR car wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got a little.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Peter Jack on December 31, 2010, 07:51:20 PM
I resemble that remark, I'm also divorced. :-( :-( :-(

Pete


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: sabat on January 07, 2011, 08:43:14 AM
A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window, and mutters 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?

The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her in back, what is she doing'?

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.

Now, the trooper is totally confused.

A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir’.

The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes…'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on January 07, 2011, 01:01:21 PM
The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."
 
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
 
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.

They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?" :-o



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 07, 2011, 01:41:53 PM
When tempted to fight fire with fire, Remember....The fire department uses water. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 38flattie on January 07, 2011, 08:04:38 PM
Haha...NEVER under estimate the boundaries of a women!!! hehe

 

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

 Scroll down




 

BE SURE AND SCROLL PAST THE PICTURE
 
 
(http://P.S . Your girlfriend called.)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 07, 2011, 08:51:32 PM
This one maybe  :?  :?

(http://www.gamerevolution.com/images/blogpics/car_crash.jpg)

 :cheers:  Mike



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 38flattie on January 07, 2011, 08:58:23 PM
Guess you already knew that one! I'm not sure why the pic wouldn't post.

Here's one:





            Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary
            His wife was really angry.
            She told him " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
            driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds

            AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!

            The next morning Bob got up early and left for work.
            When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure
            enough,there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the
            driveway. Confused,the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
            and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand
            new bathroom scale.


                Bob has been missing since Wednesday. Please pray for him!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 14, 2011, 08:31:03 AM
Two Seagulls are sitting on a Perch...............One bird asks " Do you smell fish " ??? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 21, 2011, 05:31:37 AM
What would you call a ghost that haunts a T.V. show??......."Phantom of the Oprah" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 21, 2011, 05:34:23 AM
My favorite super hero and his side kick were run over by a steam roller. Now they`re " Flatman & Ribbon :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 28, 2011, 10:33:34 AM
What`s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?? Anyone can roast beef.  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on January 28, 2011, 10:35:13 AM
Jer, where do you find these?  And now -- next time Nancy serves pea soup I'm gonna be wondering. . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: genghis on January 28, 2011, 11:13:55 AM
A man goes to a restaurant and orders asparagus with hollandaise sauce.
His meal arrives and he notices the plate is chrome. He asks the waiter why the plate is chrome.
The waiter replies "because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on January 28, 2011, 01:29:40 PM
Slim goes to the restaurant and orders pea soup.

The waitress brings out the hot steaming bowl of soup.

Slim notices that she has her thumb in the soup.

"Hey! What's with the thumb in the soup?"

She replies, "I have a blister and the doctor told me to keep it warm."

Slim said, "Well why don't you stick it up your a**!!"

She replies, "I do when I'm in the kitchen."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on January 28, 2011, 02:07:01 PM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey...

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his Acura, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his Acura, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his Acura, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to Subaru out that cue ball, he measures everything first."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 04, 2011, 02:00:41 AM
I think I`ll open an Elvis Presley themed restaurant....For people who love meat tender..............Thank you, Thank you very much :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on February 04, 2011, 02:59:35 PM
From an anonymous local LSR record holder:

Friendly Advice

Please, take care of yourself.  A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.  This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurt, and Subaru like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

 :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 11, 2011, 03:47:00 AM
I saw a pirate standing in a pile of treasure....He must not have been verry good at "Pirating"...His booty was only shin-deep. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 18, 2011, 01:39:14 AM
I tried gold prospecting.....It didn`t pan out.................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on February 18, 2011, 06:28:53 AM
I left my job as a clock repairman. The hours were all wrong.....


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on February 18, 2011, 11:07:53 AM
Testicle Therapy (Yet another golfer joke)

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Ron Gibson on February 20, 2011, 10:14:08 AM
A man had been going to the doctor for a excruciating headache for several months.

The doctor finally says, "we have tried every drug known to man for pain relief and nothing seems to help. The only thing I can recommend is cutting off one of your testes".

The guy says "That seems pretty severe but I have to have some relief, Go ahead".

When he came back to the doc a week later, he says "It's much better but the headaches are still terrible".

The doc says "Our only option is to cut the other testicle for complete relief".

The man after a lot of serious deliberation finally says "Go ahead".

The head aches went completely away. The man was so happy to have the pain gone he decided to buy himself a new suit.

The tailor when measuring him says "Lets see, that's a 36" waist".

The man says "No that's a 32" waist. I've been  wearing 32" shorts for years"

The tailor says "Didn't you know that if you wear your shorts too tight it squeezes your testicles and gives you headaches?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on February 20, 2011, 02:09:57 PM
Ron... Ron... Ron, you can only post to this thread on Friday... I'm surprised Jerry let that slip by.... You have to use the other threads the other 6 days of the week....  :roll:
 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on February 20, 2011, 02:25:29 PM
Stainless, they are behind times at least a day or two.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on February 20, 2011, 08:16:47 PM
 
Stainless, they are behind times at least a day or two.

 Glen, you mean in Nebraska, its more than that, but way less than in Kansas....when I moved here I had to set my watch back 20 years.....  :roll:
Hey Ron, go Big Red, nice job on TX....


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on February 20, 2011, 08:20:04 PM
Yeah, it was Nebraska I was talking about. There are a couple of others as well, Parts of Utah is still trying to catch up. lol


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Ron Gibson on February 20, 2011, 08:35:55 PM
Sorry about that. I'll honestly try to do better in the future if you all will forgive me. As usual, I can't pay attention let alone my parts bill (indigestion-swallowing valves is expensive). I wasn't paying attention and only looked at the new posts and reminded me of that one so replied.

Stainless
My parts are at Saum in Wichita for repairs. When I come to get them hopefully he can take me to see Tom Hannah's liner, go again to Boeing surplus and the yard.

Ron


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 25, 2011, 01:20:11 AM
What with today being Friday................ :evil: Did I tell you about the two Fungus that started dating??  They took a lichen to each other.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Elmo Rodge on February 25, 2011, 04:31:47 AM
Yeah, it was Nebraska I was talking about. There are a couple of others as well, Parts of Utah is still trying to catch up. lol
Yeah. It's still 1955 here in Salina. That's why I moved here.  :-) Wayno


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on February 25, 2011, 06:29:33 AM
My best friend went ice fishing last week and caught 20 pounds.
His wife tried to cook it and they both drowned.  :oops:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on February 25, 2011, 10:25:14 AM
Quote
Did I tell you about the two Fungus that started dating??  They took a lichen to each other.

Freddie Fungus took a lichen to Alice Algae.

Not two fungus.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on February 25, 2011, 04:14:27 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

 
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....
 
  Now here are the rules from the male side.   
 
These are our rules! Please note: these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!
 

 
1.  Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
 
1.  Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.  Sunday sports or news, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1.  Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

 1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1.  Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Cars.


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
 
 
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - 
to give them a bigger laugh.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on February 25, 2011, 05:01:05 PM
I know of two ways to argue with a woman.
Neither one works.  :-P


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on March 04, 2011, 11:11:18 AM
Well it's Friday in California, so....Vicki loves this one

What do you call a mushroom with a 9 inch stem?

A Fungi to be with.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on March 04, 2011, 11:17:08 AM
I'm sure this one doesn't apply to LSR guys, probably just Nascar...

A Professor of Physiology was teaching a lesson about involuntary muscle reactions. Noticing he was losing his audience he decided to spice the lesson up a bit. He picked on the prettiest gal in class and asked her does she know what her Acura is doing when she is having an orgasm. She replied sure, he's in the garage working on his race car....

Remember, I vill be here all of zee week!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 04, 2011, 12:46:00 PM
Olive oil is made from olives,..Corn oil is made from corn.....What is baby oil made from??? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 04, 2011, 12:56:00 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational'.

The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

Now remember, the following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper - no bleeps or xxxs:

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
 
Second place:
 
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
 
And the winning entry:
 
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

Note:  a search of www.washingtonpost.com finds a claim that this particular contest never took place, however, the winning results of several of the weekly contests are not available in their archives, so who knows if the opening claim is accurate - Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Breck on March 04, 2011, 01:17:25 PM
Hey

In line with the above:  During the attempted Clinton impeachment, had only 13 democratic Senators _risen_ to the occasion, then  "Near Miss" Lewinsky would have _gone down_ in history, as the women who blew Bill Clinton away.

and cuss it bad joke Friday:

What did Eve say to Adam after they got kicked out of the Garden of Eden?

"Do these leaves make my butt look big?"

Somethings never change.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on March 05, 2011, 09:57:15 AM
Olive oil is made from olives,..Corn oil is made from corn.....What is baby oil made from??? :cheers:

KY jelly?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: grumm441 on March 05, 2011, 11:29:18 PM
Olive oil is made from olives,..Corn oil is made from corn.....What is baby oil made from??? :cheers:

KY jelly?

KY jelly and baby powder?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 11, 2011, 08:44:30 AM
What is grey, Eats fish and lives in Wash. D.C. ??.....The Presidential Seal :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: wolbrink471 on March 11, 2011, 09:27:33 AM
A younger guy starts emptying his shopping basket at the grocery checkout...

couple of frozen pizzas
chocolate frosted chocolate poptarts
loaf of squishy white bread
half pound of bologna with the floating olives
case of cheap beer

The cute checkout girl rings in the last item, looks up at the guy and asks,"You're single aren't ya?"

The guy nods yes and asks "how did you know, was it the beer or the pizza?"

"Nah, you are just really ugly!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Breck on March 11, 2011, 01:03:19 PM
An old bull and young bull were sitting on a hill, looking down at the cows.  The young bull says: Lets run down the hill and have sex with one of those cows!

  The old bull says nah, lets walk down and have sex with them all.   :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 11, 2011, 01:07:58 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER

(http://www.ioffer.com/img/item/142/164/959/the-hollywood-squares-f81c2.jpg)

HollywoodSquares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'HollywoodSquares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.


Q If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A... Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the  Camp FireGirls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.  What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 18, 2011, 09:02:08 AM
Why was the skeleton lonely??... Because he had no body :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday after St Paddy's day.
Post by: LSR Mike on March 18, 2011, 10:51:31 AM
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are tipping toddies at the local pub…

As good as this pub is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."


"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: MC 1314 on March 18, 2011, 12:20:09 PM
Nobody tells em like an Irishman from Dublin...Ohio??
Bob


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: LSR Mike on March 19, 2011, 09:45:14 AM
Nobody tells em like an Irishman from Dublin...Ohio??
Bob

Suburb of Columbus, Oh.  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: MC 1314 on March 19, 2011, 12:05:31 PM
Hi Mike
I'm old and my brain is full Just can' remember all the great stuff I once knew (or thought I knew).


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on March 24, 2011, 02:19:52 PM
I know it's not Friday, but maybe some of you haven't made any plans for the weekend and want to get a head start.

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to
commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better,
so I thought, Ford it, I think I can tough it out!




Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: grumm441 on March 24, 2011, 06:19:45 PM
I know it's not Friday, but maybe some of you haven't made any plans for the weekend and want to get a head start.

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to
commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better,
so I thought, Ford it, I think I can tough it out!

Jim
It's OK
Don't let it get you down
It's Friday here in Australia
G


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 25, 2011, 04:59:23 AM
Why is the Easter Bunny`s nose shiny??  Because His powder puff is on the wrong end :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 25, 2011, 09:32:19 AM
The roadster driver comes home to find his wife in bed with another guy.

He goes over to a drawer and pulls out a gun and puts it up to his head.

His wife yells, "No, No!"

He says, "Don't worry, you're next!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on March 25, 2011, 11:17:15 AM
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________


ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you suburing me?

_________________________________________

(My Favorite)

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

(Another favorite)

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK?  What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral..

_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________


And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 30, 2011, 04:32:24 PM
Two little boys, ages 5 and 7, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 5 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.  So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
 
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 01, 2011, 07:18:25 AM
I`ll drift back on topic....................Did you hear that the entire crew of the Starship Enterprise are sick???... They all have Chicken Spocks :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 04, 2011, 08:54:50 PM
I`ll drift back on topic....................Did you hear that the entire crew of the Starship Enterprise are sick???... They all have Chicken Spocks :cheers:

April Fools Day, and THIS was the BEST the Michigan Mad Man could come up with . . .  :cry:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 08, 2011, 04:38:36 AM
What would you call James Bond in the bathtub???......." Bubble O 7 " :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 08, 2011, 08:08:04 AM
From IceColdMikey in Montreal:

BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?  What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'


Title: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on April 08, 2011, 08:24:24 AM
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy.

I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on April 08, 2011, 09:45:52 AM
That Charlie Sheen is one tough SOB!

He took enough drugs to kill two-and-half-men, yet he's still alive! :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 08, 2011, 10:25:03 AM
Hey Chris.................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 15, 2011, 07:15:14 AM
Where do pigs keep their cars??  ..In Porking lots :cheers:  Tax day (traditionaly) bonus,,,Why don`t grizzlies wear shoes?? They like to go bear foot. :roll: And remember, Mosquitos can fly, But flies can`t mosquito.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on April 15, 2011, 08:34:49 AM
True story:

Went to court on Wed.  Our attorney messed up the paperwork, so the judge wouldn't hear the motion.

Driving home on the freeway, the attorney passes us, with his phone glued to his ear.  He doesn't see us.

Right then, Kathy's car phone rings.  

Kat:  "Hello?"

Attorney:  "OPPSS!  My phone must have butt dialed you by mistake."

Pat:  "Well that explains alot ..."




Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 15, 2011, 08:37:17 AM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

NEW Wine for Seniors
 
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep.

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.  It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

 





PINO MORE




I  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE...

Sorry!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Heebie Jeebies on April 15, 2011, 10:41:30 AM

Just couldn't resist posting this...sorry!

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. 
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead  Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The  Easter Bunny  jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,

turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and
again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"


The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

 It says..

"Hair Spray, Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."


Happy Easter!!!

 
Buzz1513B


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: RICK on April 15, 2011, 05:31:28 PM
I dated an anesthesiologist once.  She was a real knockout.

    Okay,, maybe twice.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 22, 2011, 07:31:00 AM
Who makes suits and eats spinach???.... Popeye the Tailorman   :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 22, 2011, 08:00:09 AM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.  'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.  'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'




'Because you got an F in sex.'

 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jimmy six on April 25, 2011, 04:46:56 PM
not friday but..

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the garage behind and underneath my race car.
When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
 
It was at that moment, crouched down under the race car,  I noticed a hairline crack in the 4 link mounting bracket on the rear end.
 
NOW I am at wits end...
 
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
 
Thanks!!!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on April 25, 2011, 04:53:59 PM
Dodge JD, I saw that and said oh boy, it's friday already...   :|

Sorry to hear of your trouble, I'd replace the bracket, welding suspension pieces is not recommended  :-D
 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on April 26, 2011, 12:05:54 PM
Replace both, I've done it a coule of times and it just gets better, handling and otherwise :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 29, 2011, 06:46:07 AM
Guy walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm...says to the bartender..." I`ll have a beer and one for the road."........................ :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 29, 2011, 06:47:39 AM
FRIDAY bonus :wink:   (Q)What game do you play with a wombat???...(A)  Wom


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 29, 2011, 08:10:46 AM
Some oldies from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a  Texas  Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

-----
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on April 29, 2011, 08:56:54 AM
 :cheers: To reiterate:  What do you get when you cross a peanut butter sandwich with a mule?   Either a hairy peanut butter sandwich,,,,or a piece of azz that sticks to the roof of your mouth!      Crow.  LFFL


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 38flattie on April 29, 2011, 07:53:52 PM



All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.
 
One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
 
 At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellows in here just before you."  

"I don't know" replies the man,  "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest....."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 38flattie on April 29, 2011, 07:57:26 PM
My wife sent me this...


Why I Am now Divorced


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel
very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
He barely said good morning,
Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
And didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
My handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
When Rick knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
He came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
My kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....




On the couch....


Naked.
 

 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 1212FBGS on April 30, 2011, 03:46:46 AM
Mikes crazy uncle in Red Bluff said this prayer on Easter dinner

DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN

kent


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 06, 2011, 07:13:32 AM
What has orange hair, big shoes and comes out of a test tube???....Bozo The Clone :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: maguromic on May 06, 2011, 10:43:15 AM
What did Bin Laden say to his wife on the morning of the seal team attack?

Honey you feed the goats, I'll feed the fish.  :lol:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on May 06, 2011, 12:27:25 PM
Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Gimme a Bin Laden."

"Whazzat?" asks the bartender.

"Two shots and a splash of water."   :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on May 06, 2011, 04:10:06 PM
How the word boob was invented!  :-o
I prefer to work in 3D but I don't think Slim will let me post that!  :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 06, 2011, 05:31:13 PM
Woody, I got that one from Ron Main today.  Where'd yours originate?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: johnneilson on May 06, 2011, 05:59:36 PM
It's been around for a couple weeks


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on May 06, 2011, 08:19:35 PM
Woody, I got that one from Ron Main today.  Where'd yours originate?
I got a hillbilly neighbor!  :-D
It's been around for a couple weeks

My (non-engineer) neighbor probably stared at it for two weeks before he figured it out!  :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: johnneilson on May 06, 2011, 10:22:18 PM


My (non-engineer) neighbor probably stared at it for two weeks before he figured it out!  :-o
[/quote]

I am convinced that somewhere there are a couple engineers debating wether these are orthographic or first angle projection views.

J


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 13, 2011, 10:58:47 AM
My computer can beat me at chess...But it`s no match at kick-boxing :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 20, 2011, 12:17:20 PM
Two fish are in a tank, One turns to the other and says...." Do you know how to drive this thing" ???


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 20, 2011, 12:19:04 PM
Hmmmm....Didn`t like that one eh,??.................. :x Why are Pirates called Pirates??? Because they Arrrrrrrr :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on May 20, 2011, 09:22:38 PM
A new way to avoid any .08 alcohol issues while driving:
 
My friend went out with some guys last night and tied one on.

Knowing that he was wasted, he did something that he had never done before.

He took a bus home.

He arrived home safe and warm, which really surprised me because he had never driven a bus before.  :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 27, 2011, 07:46:27 AM
What do you call children born in a bordello???....." Brothel sprouts" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dakzila on June 03, 2011, 10:34:24 AM
Morning......Here's a nice way to start the day.

 Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some

     construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give

     a child the gift of our time.   

      A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.  One day, a construction crew began

     to build a house on the empty lot.  The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an

     interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.     

     Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her

     as a kind of project mascot.  They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her

     little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.  At the end of the first week, they even

     presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.  The little girl took this home to her

     mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next

     day to start a savings account.   



     The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f****** sheet rock."

     

     Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?


Buzz


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 03, 2011, 01:04:08 PM
My pet frog broke his leg.....Now he`s un-hoppy :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 03, 2011, 01:07:56 PM
Did I mention that my frog wears shoes??? They`re ....."Open-toad" :lol:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on June 03, 2011, 10:53:36 PM
 :-o Now that ya mention it,......."Ya crack me up ,,,, sometimes,,,  alot??   Oh welll.....~


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 10, 2011, 09:49:16 AM
Walking through the crowd at the last summer Olympics, I saw a man carrying a long wooden shaft. I asked if he were a pole vaulter and he said 'No...I`m german,...But how did you know my name`s Walter?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 17, 2011, 06:36:47 AM
Did you hear about the suicidal twin who killed her sister by mistake???? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on June 17, 2011, 06:49:42 AM
Jerry, that reminded me of the story about the sadist and masochist that were having a heated discussion.  The Masochist said "Hit me, hurt me, please!!", and the Sadist replied "No, I won't. . ."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 17, 2011, 12:42:35 PM
Slim, I asked a masochist friend what she saw in her sadist boyfriend...She said " Beats me " :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on June 17, 2011, 12:45:47 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Wish To Live Forever
 
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.
 
"I want to live forever," I said.
 
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
 
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!"
 
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on June 17, 2011, 03:48:54 PM
This made me laugh hard!!

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied.  'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then why do you even give a Subaru?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 24, 2011, 05:17:02 AM
I bought a book of poetry , written by Mongolian rulers......It has it`s prose and khans................... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on June 24, 2011, 07:10:58 AM
I bought a book of poetry , written by Mongolian rulers......It has it`s prose and khans................... :cheers:

5:17 in the morning??!! :?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: manta22 on June 24, 2011, 12:25:26 PM
A potentate, rich and despotic

had tastes that were rather exotic

"I've always adored making love in a Ford...

you see, I'm auto-erotic."

 :-D

Regards, Neil   Tucson, AZ


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SaltRat on June 24, 2011, 06:21:19 PM
There was a young lady from Exeter,

all the young men threw their sex at her!

Just to be rude,

she'd lie in the nude . . .

while her parrot, a pervert, took pecks at her.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: manta22 on June 24, 2011, 08:26:22 PM
A young trapeeze artist named Bract

was faced with a very sad fact--
 
imagine his pain

when again and again

he catches his wife in the act.

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Gwillard on June 24, 2011, 09:41:03 PM
The Mouse On The Barroom Floor

Some Guinness was spilt on the barroom floor
When the pub was shut for the night.
Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
And stood in the pale moon light.

He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor
Then back on haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar
"Bring on the God Dodge cat!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on June 24, 2011, 10:15:58 PM
Limericks AND mice -
Which brings us to . . .

Hickory dickory dock
Two mice ran up her sock
One stopped at the garter
The other was smarter
Hickory dickory doc.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on June 25, 2011, 09:10:05 AM
Hickory dickory dock,    TWO mice ran up the clock!   The clock struck one, and the other escaped with insurable injuries!


The BEST pick-up line of 2011!!!  "Does this smell like chloroform to you?"               Crow.  LFFL


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on June 29, 2011, 01:38:04 PM
         A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
        The leader, a big burly man, (looked JUST like Noonan, but I  ain't sayin' fer sure) gets off his bike and says, "What  are you doing?"
        "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
        While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"      
        So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.    After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had!    
        That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
        "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 01, 2011, 08:44:08 AM
Hmm - 8:40 Friday, and Floydjer hasn't clocked in yet. 

Could only mean one of a couple of things -

He started his holiday bender early - OR - the feds finally caught up with him.

Have a great 4th of July weekend, y'all!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 01, 2011, 10:29:16 AM
Sorry I`m late Chris......................What animal  always breaks the law???... The Cheetah :cheers:   Did I tell you my wife and I met in a revolving door?...we`re still going around together :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 08, 2011, 06:37:03 AM
I`d travel to Mexico if I didn`t have to peso much for airfare................................... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 1212FBGS on July 08, 2011, 05:00:54 PM
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still up cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 15, 2011, 08:27:48 AM
You don`t have to wait for me :wink:...Why don`t penguins fly?? Because they`re too short to be pilots :cheers:......You know,... A boiled egg is hard to beat...... :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on July 15, 2011, 01:31:09 PM
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life! 'Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake.After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked,'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.… And you know men, won't ask for directions...

Keep your GPS handy, guys!   :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on July 15, 2011, 05:03:57 PM
Now...an Ole and Lena Joke...
"Ole is on his deathbed. The doctor has told him he has only a few hours to live. He catches the scent of his favorite traditional cookies wafting through the air. With all the strength he can muster, he drags himself into the kitchen and sees a fresh pan cooling on the rack. He cuts one out and bites into the scrumptious treat.

Lena comes in, smacks his hand, and says, "Shame on you, Ole! Dese are for after da funeral"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on July 22, 2011, 12:26:06 PM
Is this anybody we know?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 22, 2011, 12:26:55 PM
Ohh, boy -- I've gotta make sure Ron sees that one. . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on July 22, 2011, 12:30:11 PM
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this  under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on July 22, 2011, 01:19:48 PM
Oldies, but good principals to be reminded of....

ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just
leave me the Hell alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you're not getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a
couple of payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience .. and most of that comes from
bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.  Neither one
works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our Acura... then
things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 22, 2011, 01:29:54 PM
My wife is just a whiskey maker, But I love her still................. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Pete1 on July 22, 2011, 02:19:01 PM
Little early for this but it's a good one.

         
                          Santa's New Ride

       

                           
             Twas the night before Christmas all over the
             place, When we were confronted by an old flying
             ace. There was icing reported and turbulent air,
             he said "file me a flight plan I gotta get
             there". Outside sat his aircraft already to run,
             and the old man walked out to that P-51. "Bad
             weather's no problem" he silently mumbled, The
             prop came to life.... that big dash9 Allison rumbled. He
             eased in the throttle, the roar shook the ground,
             he taxied on out and turned it around. He went
             through the run-up and seemed satisfied, So he
             said to himself, "I'm in for a ride". He lined
             it up straight as he poured on the coal, the
             tailwheel came up as he started to roll. Up off
             the runway he sucked up the gear, and that mighty
             V-12 was all you could hear. He screamed overhead
             with a deafining crack, The blue flames were
             flying from each shiny stack. He pulled up the
             nose and started to climb, no ice on that
             airframe....it didn't have time. On top of the
             weather, all levers were set, he looked up above
             and saw a Lear Jet. With jet fuel and turbines
             that just ain't no class, gimmee pistons, props,
             and lots of av-gas. Now he was approaching where he
             wanted to go, but the weather had covered the
             runway with snow. How will he land it?  We'll
             just have to guess, because the only way in was
             full ILS. Then over the marker he
             started his run, The ceiling was zero, visibility
             none. Still going 300 he felt the need, for an
             overhead break to diminish his speed. Over the
             number he zoomed  like a flash, pulled into his
             break we knew he would crash. Oh why do they do
             it on these kind of nights? Then over the
             threshold we saw landing lights. "I'm on short
             final with 3 in the green, and I see enough
             runway to land this machine". Then he tied down
             that Mustang and they all heard him say, "Next
             year I'm sticking to my reindeer and sleigh".

             
           


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SaltRat on July 22, 2011, 03:00:35 PM
A lady asks the produce man for some carrots.
He says that they are out of carrots, come back tomorrow.

About five minutes later, same thing.

Ten minutes later, same thing.

Produce man says: Can you spell "cat" as in catastophic?

C-A-T.

Can you spell "dog" as in dogma?

D-O-G

Can you spell Fiat as in carrots?

There's no Fiat in carrots!

Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you!

It might have been funnier without the Fiat . . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on July 22, 2011, 04:09:15 PM
 :roll:  She was only a stablemans daughter,,,,but all the horse men knew her!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 29, 2011, 06:57:19 AM
Did you hear about the Witch who became a school teacher??..She taught....Spelling :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on July 29, 2011, 07:36:03 AM
Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.  :-(


Husband's Diary:

Roadster wouldn't start, can't figure it out.  :?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 05, 2011, 11:40:18 AM
What`s the chemical formula for water ?? -hijhlmno.............H to O :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rambler jack on August 05, 2011, 03:48:13 PM
A group of men were sitting on the porch outside the general store.
Another man entered the store and asked the young lady  for a loaf of rasin bread.
The bread was on the top shelf and as she was climbing the ladder he looked up and saw she was not wearing panties.
She came down and he paid for the bread and left.
When he got outside he told the men what had happened.
Another man went in and asked for rasin bread she went back up the ladder and got the bread.
He paid for it and left.
This happend several more times.
An old man went into tha store to see for his self.
The young lady was still up on the ladder.
She looked down at him and said I suppose yours is rasin to.
He looked up and said no but it sure is a quiverin.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on August 05, 2011, 04:24:19 PM
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.  :-(
 
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blond with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.  :cry:
 
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."  :-o

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared!  :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 05, 2011, 08:38:32 PM
..."K"....... (thanks Stan) :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on August 11, 2011, 10:45:22 PM
Okay, I'm going to beat Jerry to the punch this week.  Or in our cases, the punch bowl . . .  :cheers:

Pink Floyd was playing in Prague.  The stage hand walked over to the microphone and said, "Czech - Czech".


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 12, 2011, 04:31:16 PM
Where would you conduct an experiment on a dog??.....In the...Labradory :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 12, 2011, 04:33:11 PM
Bonus for Jon since I`m late today.......Where do Scandinavian cross country races end???  At the Finnish line :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 12, 2011, 04:37:24 PM
What do they call old people in Portugal??....Portugeezers. (I`ll stop now) :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 12, 2011, 05:12:59 PM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want
some other a**hole using my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a**hole?"



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on August 12, 2011, 05:51:21 PM
Okay, I'm going to beat Jerry to the punch this week.  Or in our cases, the punch bowl . . .  :cheers:

Pink Floyd was playing in Prague.  The stage hand walked over to the microphone and said, "Czech - Czech".
Where would you conduct an experiment on a dog??.....In the...Labradory :cheers:
Bonus for Jon since I`m late today.......Where do Scandinavian cross country races end???  At the Finnish line :evil:
What do they call old people in Portugal??....Portugeezers. (I`ll stop now) :roll:

Whooah - I land a sucker punch, and he comes back with a 1 2 3 combination!

Standing down Jerry, standing down . . . :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 19, 2011, 01:24:15 PM
Nostalgia isn`t what it used to be.............


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 19, 2011, 01:26:10 PM
I`d never hit a man with glasses....I`d hit him with a baseball bat............... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 26, 2011, 12:52:42 PM
An American, A Swede, A Pole, A Spaniard, A German, A Greek, A Mexican, A Bolivian, A Chinese, A Viet Namese, An Englishman, An Irishman, An Italian, A Cuban, A Canadian, a Portugese  and A Scotsman walk up to a bar. The door man says " Sorry, You can`t come in without a Thai..................... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on August 26, 2011, 01:33:32 PM
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Bubba, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Bubba was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Bubba in the pool!

Bubba was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Bubba was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Bubba and the gator were screaming and raising heck. Finally Bubba strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Bubba then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Bubba, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Bubba.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something, you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Bubba.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Bubba said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Bubba, then what do you want?'

Bubba said, 'I want the name of the SoB who pushed me in the pool!'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on September 02, 2011, 08:19:15 AM
Jerry?

Jerry??

Jerry!!!

Wake up - it's Friday!

If you don't give me a stupid joke, I'll cut and paste my build diary over here.

Chop, chop . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on September 02, 2011, 12:17:18 PM
My dad was on the way to the store, walking down the nice residential street (he lived in Eisenstadt, Austria) and passed the local house of ill repute (there are common and legal in Austria).  He was surprised to see six good-looking and naked women lying on the ground, with a somewhat-older good-looking woman standing behind them. 

He asked the lady for some explanation, and she told Dad:

"I'm the madam here.  The business has been so slow that we're having a yard sale today."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on September 02, 2011, 02:27:38 PM
How can you find Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?

Just look for his sesame seed buns!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bucketlist on September 02, 2011, 03:23:25 PM
Joe goes to a comedian's convention with his friend Charlie, who is a professional comedian.

They're sitting in a large crowded auditorium. Someone stands up and says "47." The crowd laughs. Someone else stands up, says "62." The crowd laughs.

After a couple more like this, Joe asks Charlie what's going on.

"We're all professionals and we know all the jokes," Charlie explains, "so we just give the number to save a lot of time."

Joe asks permission to try it, stands up, says "36." Silence, no laughs, a couple of snickers.

Joe sits down, embarrassed. "What did I do wrong?" he asks.

Charlie says "You know how it is, some people just can't tell a joke."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 02, 2011, 07:10:00 PM
Calm down Chris...I`ve been busy.>>>>>>>>I used to date a girl that had a wooden leg,....But I broke it off :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 02, 2011, 07:12:06 PM
Bonus for today>> did you hear that Jimmy hoffa has been found?? He works in the materiy ward of a hosoital....Organizing labor pains.......................... :roll: HAPPY LABOR DAY EVERYONE..J.B.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 09, 2011, 05:22:35 AM
Stan, You missed my spelling of Hospital :evil:  Anyway...I returned a book on surgery to the book store.....Someone removed the appendix :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on September 09, 2011, 09:20:41 AM
Stan, You missed my spelling of Hospital :evil:  Anyway...I returned a book on surgery to the book store.....Someone removed the appendix :cheers:

I think I checked that book out from the library - was that the one by Ann Esthesia?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on September 09, 2011, 10:16:40 AM
No -- Les Paine.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on September 09, 2011, 12:36:32 PM
A Minister begins his sermon by holding up 4 jars each containing a worm. The first jar is full of alcohol and the worm is dead. The second jar is full of cigarettes and the worm is dead. The third jar is full of chocolate, and yes the worm is dead. The fourth is full of clean fresh soil and the worm is healthy and very much alive. The Minister asked his Flock what they have learned. An old Feisty woman stood up and said: “If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate you won’t get worms!”  Sermon over.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on September 09, 2011, 01:01:44 PM
Charlie is spending quality time . . . with his girl friend. He looks at his watch and says,

"Dang! It's two o'clock and my wife is going to kill me. I gotta get home."

"Wanda, I need some talcum powder. Do you have any?"

Charlie heads home and as soon as the door opens all hell breaks loose.

"Where have you been all night!!"

Charlie is standing there with his hands behind his back.

"I was having sex with Wanda."

"Let me see your hands!  Damn! You've been bowling again!!"
 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on September 09, 2011, 04:26:03 PM
Calm down Chris...I`ve been busy.>>>>>>>>I used to date a girl that had a wooden leg,....But I broke it off :cheers:

I think I knew her.....Eileen? She belonged to a splinter group for amputrees


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: k.h. on September 09, 2011, 05:40:54 PM
My one-legged adventure was with a girl named Peg.  She left me after an argument when I told her she didn't have a leg to stand on.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on September 09, 2011, 05:47:47 PM
My one-legged adventure was with a girl named Peg.  She left me after an argument when I told her she didn't have a leg to stand on.

Pedant!

.or should I say, stop being so ped-anti-c


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 16, 2011, 11:38:42 AM
From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Just a little body humor!

Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.  Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?  Even though the others do all the work...




The Acura hole is usually in charge.

 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 16, 2011, 05:44:02 PM
Two fonts walk in to a bar and the bartender says  " We don`t serve your type in here.................." :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on September 23, 2011, 10:27:08 AM
More an observation than a joke - or is it . . . ?  :roll:

Today, gold is trading at about $1700.00 a troy ounce.
 
58.8 troy ounces = ~ $100,000.00
 
There are 10.172 troy ounces per cubic inch.
 
$100,000.00 worth of gold would be a bar about 1" wide, 1" high, and 5 3/4" long.
 
Which is about the size of a Nestle $100,000.00 bar.

 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 23, 2011, 12:55:55 PM
Know what happens to Eskimos that sit on the ice too long?? They get polaroids :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on September 23, 2011, 02:36:43 PM
 :-D
The way to catch a Polar Bear.
Cut a 6 inch hole in the ice.
Ring the hole with 1 can of S & W Brand Pea's.

When the bear comes out to take a pea,,,,,,
Ya kick 'em in the ice hole!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on September 23, 2011, 03:46:28 PM
No joke!  :-D  World's most tatooed man! http://video.foxnews.com/v/1178274046001/?test=faces (http://video.foxnews.com/v/1178274046001/?test=faces)

 :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 30, 2011, 07:31:31 AM
I wonder how deep the oceans would be without sponges...................................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Peter Jack on September 30, 2011, 04:35:12 PM
Why such a deep question on a light hearted board Floydjer??? :? :? :? :evil:

Pete


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on September 30, 2011, 05:31:14 PM
What do they call Hawaiian Hebrews?

Pineapple Jews.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 07, 2011, 07:05:31 AM
Know the worst part of a lung transplant??.....Knowing that the first time you cough up phlegm..It isn`t your own................................ :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 11, 2011, 01:48:04 PM
Wow....Brought my own thread to a screeching halt........................................... :cry:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on October 11, 2011, 01:54:43 PM
It's hard to top what you put out there.

By the way, do you know how to top a car?

Tep on the brake tupid!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 14, 2011, 10:09:25 AM
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?/...Because if they flew over the bay, they`d be ....bay gulls.      :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 14, 2011, 11:45:55 AM
Just for Floyd:

The Agony of Dyslexia

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
 
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
 
I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 14, 2011, 12:14:31 PM
Mike, Its "Jerry'.....And that one made my head hurt.................... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 14, 2011, 01:14:23 PM
Pink Jerry ???

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on October 15, 2011, 05:30:14 PM
Unh, I got this one on a Friday night?

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=30018


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: wobblywalrus on October 15, 2011, 09:10:27 PM
One of those cute little guys got trapped.  I hope he is OK.



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: wobblywalrus on October 15, 2011, 09:36:23 PM
My joke post for the year.  DO NOT open until is is Friday.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on October 15, 2011, 11:43:19 PM
One of those cute little guys got trapped.  I hope he is OK.

watch him carefully again, I don't think he got hurt  :| :|


OK while I'm here...


How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?





It's a pretty obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it. :roll: :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on October 16, 2011, 12:56:05 AM

It's a pretty obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it. :roll: :roll:

Depends on where you shop, but you're probably thinking of that silly pop remix that was used in the title credits of the 1982 Laotian "Matt Helm" knockoff, "Ku Chunk La".  At least the producers had the good common sense to letter box the laser disc, rather than crop it.  Lot of typo's in the subtitles, though.
 
Of course, that was back when they were signed to Tralfamadore Records - Roger really never did them any favors . . .  8-)



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Elmo Rodge on October 16, 2011, 10:00:55 AM
Midget, I wonder if there are any LSR venues on Tralfamadore.  :? Wayno


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on October 16, 2011, 10:27:09 AM
Midget, I wonder if there are any LSR venues on Tralfamadore.  :? Wayno

Could be, but it sure would be tough trying to set a record in a place where time was non linear.   :lol:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Elmo Rodge on October 16, 2011, 11:25:33 AM
Midget, I wonder if there are any LSR venues on Tralfamadore.  :? Wayno

Could be, but it sure would be tough trying to set a record in a place where time was non linear.   :lol:
Oh, that.  :roll: Wayno


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Moxnix on October 16, 2011, 01:09:30 PM
Time is a human invention. 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Elmo Rodge on October 16, 2011, 03:24:11 PM
Time is a human invention. 
I'll try to rember that next time.  :cheers: Wayno


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: grumm441 on October 16, 2011, 03:38:44 PM
Time is a human invention. 
I'll try to rember that next time.  :cheers: Wayno

I thought it was money
That's what my employer keeps saying
G


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on October 16, 2011, 03:53:56 PM
Time is a human invention. 
That's why it's always 5 o'clock somewhere!  :-D

Or beer-thirty!  :-)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 21, 2011, 08:49:00 AM
Back on topic.................. :-)  A family of sheep moved in next door....They invited me over for a Baa-baa- Que


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: John (Maryland) on October 21, 2011, 10:14:06 AM
I just reached 200 posts;  I keep forgetting, are hats for speed or posts.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on October 21, 2011, 01:56:54 PM
Charlie made his millions in technology.
To show off his riches he built an 80,000 square foot house on 126 acres.

He told the builder that he wanted the massive oak tree on the back of the property moved to the front yard.
The builder told him it would cost a huge amount of money.

Charlie said he didn't care, that was where he had sex for the first time.

"Really?" Said the builder.

"Yep, her mom was standing there too."

"No! What did she say?"

"Baa Baa"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: John (Maryland) on October 21, 2011, 04:23:31 PM
I must be in impound because I reached 201 posts and now back to 199.  Looks like a hat is on the way with this post of 200, if I make it through clocks.
 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on October 22, 2011, 12:23:48 AM
Charlie made his millions in technology.
To show off his riches he built an 80,000 square foot house on 126 acres.

He told the builder that he wanted the massive oak tree on the back of the property moved to the front yard.
The builder told him it would cost a huge amount of money.

Charlie said he didn't care, that was where he had sex for the first time.

 "Really?" Said the builder.

"Yep, her mom was standing there too."

"No! What did she say?"

"Baa Baa"

I didn't know Charlie was a Kiwi . . .

Now that I think about it, I didn't know they had oak trees on New Zealand, either.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bucketlist on October 25, 2011, 03:17:39 AM
Time is a human invention. 

I heard time was nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on October 25, 2011, 10:20:57 AM
 :-o  I heard that sheep were daaaamn good!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 25, 2011, 11:52:31 AM
Seen in the rear window of a redneck hillbilly Chevrolet pickemup:

"I didn't do it.
"Nobody saw me.
"You can't prove it.
"The sheep are lying."

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on October 25, 2011, 12:05:37 PM
Three lies a Cowboy might tell:

I won this belt buckle in the Rodeo.
The Pickup is paid for.
I was just helping the sheep over the fence.

Oh Baabaaraa! :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Moxnix on October 25, 2011, 01:58:18 PM
Mutton punchers lament:  There will never be another ewe.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on October 25, 2011, 04:28:56 PM
 :-D  What is a Sheep Herder's Sandwich?            Two pieces of bread, and a little piece of ewe!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: johnneilson on October 25, 2011, 10:19:10 PM
While driving through the Ohio with my former boss, I kept hearing daaaaaddy, daaaaddy.

I have no idea.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 25, 2011, 11:54:56 PM
Crazy!

"Sheep twins" get a "special offer" to upgrade to "Sky couch" on Air New Zealand: http://www.airnewzealand.com/skycouch-promotion (http://www.airnewzealand.com/skycouch-promotion)

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on October 26, 2011, 10:40:26 AM
Looks like a great way to manage a twaw!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on October 26, 2011, 02:44:40 PM
Wow, this week I feel like every day is Friday. I hope someone's lawyer doesn't make Slim remove it!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on October 26, 2011, 04:53:26 PM
Jerry, you usually lead off on the SJF, but I've got to tell, I think you've found a topic that really works on this forum.  This sheep thing seems to have legs.

Long, thin, shapely legs . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on October 26, 2011, 05:02:42 PM
Angelo immigrated from Italy and made a fortune selling spaghetti.
He talked to the builder about the house of his dreams.

"I wanna curvin stairs onna right. I wanna curvin stairs onna left. In the middle I wanna hollow statue."
The builder was puzzled by the language, but got everything but the last one.
"You want a hollow statue?"
"Yessa, I wanna hollow statue inna tween the stairs."

The builder figured he had a lot of money to throw around, so he had a sculptor carve a beautiful, although hollow, statue.
On the day the build was finished the builder opened the front door to two fantastic curving stairways surrounding the statue.

"Hey! Thema stairs looka really great. The carved broad looks a good too. But wheres the hollow statue?"
"It's right there!"
"No, no. I wanna . . . you know. Ringa, ringa. Hollow? is statue?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on October 26, 2011, 05:10:46 PM
Mary is having the whole house and gardens renovated.
After major construction she is showing the contractor the colors she wants.

"I want the living room a light beige col . . . "
In the middle of the sentence the contractor runs over to the window, throws it open and yells,
"Green up! Green up!" He slams the window and come back. "You were saying?"

Mary continues with the color pallate. "I want the dining roo . . . "
Once again the builder runs to the window, throws it open and yells,
"Green up! Green up!" He slams the window and comes back. "You were saying?"

Mary is getting upset over this behavior, but is too polite to say anything. "In the bedr . . ."
Once again a trip to the window.
"Green up! Green up!" He slams the window and come back. "You were saying?"
By this time Mary had had enough. "What on earth is going on? You keep yelling out the window!"
The contractor apologized and said, "I have a bunch of morons from Landracing.com putting the sod in."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Moxnix on October 26, 2011, 05:15:10 PM
Oooooh.  Bring the sheep jokes baaahhhk.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on October 26, 2011, 06:37:45 PM
You know -- looking again at the Air New Zealand ad -- it looks like they're charging $90 each to take the arm rests out.  Now, that's not funny (sorry).


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on October 27, 2011, 08:02:45 AM
www.adultsheepfinder.com (http://www.adultsheepfinder.com)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 27, 2011, 09:57:11 AM
 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 27, 2011, 10:05:06 AM
Wow, this week I feel like every day is Friday. I hope someone's lawyer doesn't make Slim remove it!
Or the band-width police....................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SaltRat on October 27, 2011, 10:35:20 AM

It says (I "heard") the next related search is "New Zealand Dating" - what does this mean???

Why is New Zealand like a clitoris?
They are both "down there" and nobody cares.


Seriously, love the downunder guys.  No, really!


www.adultsheepfinder.com (http://www.adultsheepfinder.com)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 28, 2011, 06:57:23 AM
Now that it`s Friday :roll: .............Thieves stole all of the toilets from a local Police station.  A spokesman said no clues were found and the officers have nothing to go on........................ :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: wobblywalrus on October 28, 2011, 08:04:03 AM
DO NOT OPEN THE SHEEPFINDER.  I clicked on it and it would not open.  Suddenly I was dealing with a virus called Troj/Sirefef-1.  I think I was lucky enough to stop the virus before it trashed the system. 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 28, 2011, 08:12:48 AM
I`m only slightly concerned that you looked........................................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on October 28, 2011, 08:16:05 AM
Slightly????


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 04, 2011, 07:25:45 AM
Two DNA are walking together when one turns and asks " Do these genes make me look fat ?" :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on November 04, 2011, 09:01:05 AM
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director was in urgent need of looking for a replacement.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position..

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink.

He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass.

"It's red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels."

"Correct."

A third glass.

''It's champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of slightly yellow liquid. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.

And if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Peter Jack on November 04, 2011, 09:01:54 AM
DO NOT OPEN THE SHEEPFINDER.  I clicked on it and it would not open.  Suddenly I was dealing with a virus called Troj/Sirefef-1.  I think I was lucky enough to stop the virus before it trashed the system. 

I opened it on the MAC without issue. It just seems to be the gateway to a bunch of other NZ sites. If you're using a PC it might be worth avoiding.

Pete


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 04, 2011, 01:22:35 PM

Two Newfie’s are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 11, 2011, 08:48:51 AM
A dog was laying on the shoulder of the road, giving birth  ,when a cop cited her for littering...................... :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on November 11, 2011, 09:31:45 AM
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!"St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on November 11, 2011, 09:33:17 AM
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVERNMENT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife sometimes.

GOVERNMENT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one. Where is he?

RANCHER:  That would be me!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on November 11, 2011, 11:04:43 AM
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.  Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. 

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck to her Acura that said.......

'From all of us at the Fire Station - We'll never forget you.' "


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 18, 2011, 08:25:18 AM
When an astronaut dies,..Does the family run an orbituary ? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 18, 2011, 08:27:28 AM
Pre-turkey day bonus...............This little green spaceman told me he was from a Dog  star..I said " You can`t be Sirius" :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on November 18, 2011, 09:24:43 AM
Some of you young 'ens may not understand this one......

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on November 18, 2011, 10:29:44 AM
When an astronaut dies,..Does the family run an orbituary ? :cheers:

Yes, and the band plays "Lunartic Fringe".   :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on November 18, 2011, 03:35:39 PM
The old Indian walks into the bar carrying a dead cat and a bag of dog poop.

The bartender looks and wonders what the . . .

The old Indian asks for a whisky.

The bartender sets down a glass of whisky.

The old Indian throws back the whisky, takes a huge bite out of the dead cat, and then pulls out a gun and starts shooting the bag.

The bartender yells "What the hell are you doing?"

The old Indian says, "Me want to be like white man."
"Drink Whisky. Eat pussy. Shoot the sh*t."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on November 18, 2011, 07:52:38 PM
After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better... :cry:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 25, 2011, 08:36:23 AM
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede ??  Bacon and legs.... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on November 25, 2011, 08:57:21 AM
A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day. And then 2 days. And then 3 days.

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said.....

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 02, 2011, 09:01:10 AM
A guy goes to the doctor and tells him he can`t keep his hands from shaking. The doc. asks if he drinks much. The guys says " No, I spill most of it ...." :cheers:....?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 09, 2011, 08:43:09 AM
Went mushroom hunting yesterday and didn`t find any. So I came back the same way I left, No Morels :cry:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on December 09, 2011, 10:01:27 AM
Jerry -

Are you sure you didn't come back with some sort of mushrooms?

Michigan morels might mushroom in May, but anything available this time of year would scare the Shiitake out of me.

Okay, I'll button it.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on December 09, 2011, 10:08:45 AM
The mushroom concept is how they operate at work.

They keep you in the dark, and feed you s**t.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on December 09, 2011, 10:54:49 AM
A snail hanging around the Salt Flats was always unhappy as he witnessed speed but was so slow. One day he crawled upon a dropped lotto ticket and sure enough, it was a winner. He crawled to the local car dealer with his winnings and spied a nice 300ZX. He said he'd take it but would like a large "S" painted on the sides. The salesman asked don't you mean a Z? The snail replied, No, when I go by people I want them to say "Look at that S Car Go!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 09, 2011, 11:25:55 AM
Jerry -

Are you sure you didn't come back with some sort of mushrooms?

Michigan morels might mushroom in May, but anything available this time of year would scare the Shiitake out of me.

Okay, I'll button it.
Gosh Chris,..Where did all that hostility stem from??? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 16, 2011, 09:12:40 AM
A bartender was arrested for taking liquor home with him..........He`s been charged with..Emboozlement :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on December 16, 2011, 10:54:14 AM
 :-o  Bbbaaaarrump !!!!!!   (rim shot)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on December 16, 2011, 11:36:17 AM
Okay now for something funny... it IS friday, right?  Even for Professor, er... umm 'scuse me Dr. Goggles?

Okay here goes:

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along
the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat
grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer
said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under
that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,
you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place. "The grass is almost a foot high.




Hey, whadya' think?  Pretty good huh?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 19, 2011, 08:24:17 AM
:-o  Bbbaaaarrump !!!!!!   (rim shot)
T.O.C.....www.instantrimshot.com :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on December 19, 2011, 03:00:45 PM
 :-D Thanks floydjer, my drum was outa tune enywho! lol


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jacksoni on December 19, 2011, 03:25:21 PM
Subject: A Christmas Story



An elderly couple had been Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, when suddenly, the wife realized that her husband was not with her.

Somewhat irate, she called her mate’s cell phone: “Where the hell are you?”

Husband: “Darling, do you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, ‘Baby it'll be yours one day’?”.
                                                                                                                                                                                             
Wife, with a smile and a tear in her eye: “Yes, I remember that, my Love”.

Husband: “I'm in the bar next to that shop.”


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 23, 2011, 07:31:35 AM
A murder victim was found under a pile of  hand painted figurines in a Japanese rice paddy. Police have no suspects in the Knick-Knack Paddy whack............................. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on December 23, 2011, 09:21:14 AM
A murder victim was found under a pile of  hand painted figurines in a Japanese rice paddy. Police have no suspects in the Knick-Knack Paddy whack............................. :cheers:

In a similar development, Polish officials found a former Olympic ski jumper shot to death under a large pile of Hummels.  There are no leads in the chotchkie shotski murder.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 30, 2011, 08:46:04 AM
What do you get when you cross a bullet with a tree that has no leaves ??...A cartridge in a bare tree.......... :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on December 31, 2011, 01:50:51 PM
What do you get when you cross a bullet with a tree that has no leaves ??...A cartridge in a bare tree.......... :roll:

I asked Jerry about that spool of cat5 that runs to the top of his tree - He says it's for calling birds . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on December 31, 2011, 09:50:31 PM
What do you get when you cross a bullet with a tree that has no leaves ??...A cartridge in a bare tree.......... :roll:

I asked Jerry about that spool of cat5 that runs to the top of his tree - He says it's for calling birds . . .

 :?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 06, 2012, 07:07:47 AM
A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says "What`ll you have' ?..The seal says " Anything except a Canadian Club"... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 06, 2012, 07:11:33 AM
Didn`t like that one? How about this..............What`s the difference between a Knight and a reindeer?   The Knight slays dragons , And  the reindeer  is draggin` a sleigh.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: LittleLiner on January 06, 2012, 09:44:05 AM
 
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on January 06, 2012, 08:35:20 PM
Didn`t like that one? How about this..............What`s the difference between a Knight and a reindeer?   The Knight slays dragons , And  the reindeer  is draggin` a sleigh.

Or perhaps a knight slaying a reindeer -

(http://i361.photobucket.com/albums/oo58/milwaukeemidget/Goldiesgrilledvenison.jpg)
http://www.austinworks.com/minutes.html

Okay, he's wasn't a knight, but he was bestowed the O.B.E., and he IS a member of the 200 mph club.

Mmmmm . . . grilled venison.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on January 07, 2012, 11:35:36 AM
"grilled venison" -- very good!

Also makes for a light meal.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on January 07, 2012, 06:44:54 PM
Ha ha "light meal" wach out for the glass bits. :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 09, 2012, 10:13:58 AM
Ha ha "light meal" wach out for the glass bits. :cheers: :cheers:
Ol` Stan is always good for a bumper crop of puns............................... :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jimmy six on January 10, 2012, 03:27:34 PM
 

 

THE TOP 31 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a Dodge who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole bus load of us down to re-elect OBAMA
 
 
 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 11, 2012, 02:51:27 PM
Jimmy, That was too good for this thread/day................. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on January 12, 2012, 11:14:50 AM
Hey, I checked.  It's already Friday In Australia, okay?
Besides they need this so I thought I'd better get it out NOW.

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.  

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.  

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.  

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.  

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.  

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.  

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.  

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.  

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.  

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.  

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.  

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.  

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
 
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on January 12, 2012, 05:00:13 PM
 :-o That stuff is almost to true to be funny,,,,but it shoer is!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jacksoni on January 12, 2012, 11:36:17 PM
Old Blind Cowboy Joke
 
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.  After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress; 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.  In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman with a Taser.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters;
'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 13, 2012, 09:16:07 AM
Happy FRIDAY.>>>>What did the boy melon say to the girl melon ???  .." Sorry Honeydew, I cantaloupe" :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jacksoni on January 13, 2012, 03:00:39 PM
Subject: Just sayin


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have $33.00 today.


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund,
you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg plan.

And as a bonus...

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41
miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American!



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Cajun Kid on January 13, 2012, 06:42:34 PM
Jack,,, I am going to use your 401 Keg line,,

very cool for my line of work  ....

LOL

Oh see you in Ohio ?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jacksoni on January 13, 2012, 08:27:52 PM
Engine still disassembled but hope to have some dyno/development done and make it.  Currently Udo says no for April, maybe June or July with the Bugeye and then both of us at the salt if the creek don't rise.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Cajun Kid on January 13, 2012, 08:41:22 PM
Good luck to both of you.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jacksoni on January 13, 2012, 09:54:38 PM
There is for sure one and possibly 2 folks here who could qualify for your C motor door slammer challenge. Have sent them the link for this thread but have heard nothing. Will see if can promote them to come. Could be good addition>


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 13, 2012, 10:28:59 PM
Interesting that the "C Motor Challenge" has moved to the "Stupid Joke" thread.   :mrgreen:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 14, 2012, 09:10:13 AM
Yes, Quit cluttering my joke thread will all that serious stuff................... :evil: :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on January 14, 2012, 12:16:42 PM
Could be apropos.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Monday
Post by: grumm441 on January 16, 2012, 02:37:15 AM
how to get 0% on an exam

Personally, I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle


Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page


Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid


Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage


Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams


Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner


Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half


Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* wet


Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
*  sleep at night.


Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..


Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands


Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.


Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Wildcat on January 18, 2012, 02:59:57 PM
Had to share this one.
Old Bonneville racer in a nursing home....


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 20, 2012, 08:50:10 AM
Eh-Hem....................Since it`s FRIDAY, Did you hear about the chicken that couldn`t find her eggs ?? She mis-layed them.. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on January 20, 2012, 09:02:59 AM
Thank you Jerry, finally somebody has put this derailed thread back on the track to insanity  :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 27, 2012, 08:09:07 AM
Why wouldn`t the lobster share his toys ?..........Because he was shellfish.. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 03, 2012, 12:14:48 PM
Those who forget the pasta are doomed to re-heat it. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Freud on February 03, 2012, 05:27:29 PM
A woman waited at the door to take a trip in the car with her hubby had her arms full of coats and four little children at her side.

The Stud, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.

As she handed him the coats she said:

"This time you put the kid's coats on 'em and I'll go honk the horn."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 10, 2012, 08:45:18 AM
What would you call a robot that always takes the long route ?  R2 Detour.................... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 17, 2012, 08:39:14 AM
Did the person who invented bug spray start from scratch ???................... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on February 17, 2012, 08:45:27 AM
Did the person who invented bug spray start from scratch ???................... :cheers:

laughin here :cheers:

I went to an expensive shoe shop, the guy looked surprised, maybe he thought I wasn't well heeled, but to me that was strange because that's why I was there....


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Moxnix on February 17, 2012, 08:01:29 PM
A neutron saunters up to the bar and orders a drink. “How much?” he asks. The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.” The superconductor leaves without any resistance.

An atom walks into a bar, orders a beer, takes one sip and breaks down in tears. The bartender comes over and says, “Hey pal, what’s the matter?” The atom says, “I think I lost an electron.” Bartender says, “Are you sure?” Atom says, “I’m positive.”

Some helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” The helium doesn’t react.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on February 17, 2012, 09:09:33 PM
I've got to way, way back to get those.  I was going to look them up, but found there was usually a charge.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Moxnix on February 17, 2012, 09:51:54 PM
Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on February 17, 2012, 11:27:46 PM
Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished.

Well, as long as this thread has taken a pre-existential philosophy twist -

Fredrich Nietzsche was sitting at a bar.  The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink.  He replied, "It doesn't really matter."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 18, 2012, 09:29:18 AM
The proper elderly English gentleman awoke one morning with an all-too unusual reminder of lost youth and wonderous days.  His footman, Jeeves, noticed, and asked:  "Shall I inform madam, Sir?"

The old fellow responded "Thank you Jeeves, but just had me my baggy tweeds.  I think I'll smuggle this one into town."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 18, 2012, 04:13:31 PM
Eh-hem...................................... :|


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jimmy six on February 21, 2012, 11:05:07 AM
It's not Friday but I couldn't resist

Six Truths in Life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.

2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

3. And discover #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face ..

I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jl222 on February 21, 2012, 10:29:01 PM
It's not Friday but I couldn't resist

Six Truths in Life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.

2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

3. And discover #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face ..

I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.


   2 more idiots for company here :roll:

              JL222


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on February 21, 2012, 10:43:20 PM

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
 1. _ _NDOM


 2. F_ _K


 3. P_N_S


 4. PU_S_


 5. S_X


 6. BOO_S





 | | | | | | | | | |
 Answers:

 1. RANDOM

 2. FORK

 3. PANTS

 4. PULSE

 5. SIX

 6. BOOKS

 You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


 You do NOT have Alzheimer's


 You are a Pervert


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on February 22, 2012, 08:23:55 AM
He,he,he,he, Mr. Pervison here.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 22, 2012, 08:24:20 AM
Chris, you got three of them wrong -- #3 is panes, #4 is purse, and #5 is sax.  And you call yourself a musician?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Ron Gibson on February 22, 2012, 09:57:25 AM
Crap, that means I got all 9 wrong. :cheers:

Ron


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Cajun Kid on February 22, 2012, 08:15:46 PM
I think I failed,,, but had fun  :evil: :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on February 24, 2012, 10:02:04 AM
Wake up, Jerry - it's Friday morning.

Ahh, he's probably out shoveling snow.

Anyway -

During a recent political debate, a journalist asked a candidate, "Have you ever had a sexual relationship with a prostitute?"
 
The candidate thought for an awkward moment, and then replied, "To the best of my knowledge, no."
 
This perked up the ears of quite a few folks in the hall, so the journalist pushed the candidate a bit harder - "Sir, to the best of your knowledge?"
 
After another awkward pause, the candidate finally confessed, "I wish I could be more concise, but it's tough to keep track of the professions all of my ex wives have gone into over the years."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 24, 2012, 10:31:49 AM
Happy FRIDAY, Chris :cheers: Do you know what a cat`s favorite drink on a hot summer day is ??.............Miced tea :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: LSR Mike on February 27, 2012, 04:18:33 PM
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 02, 2012, 09:58:56 AM
What are the two fastest fish ????... The Motor Pike and Side Carp    :cheers: R.I P. Willie


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Ron Gibson on March 02, 2012, 10:19:06 AM
The difference between A$$ Kissing and Brown Nosing. (SEE BELOW)




















DEPTH PERCEPTION   :-D

Ron

















Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on March 02, 2012, 12:17:02 PM
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Robin UK on March 02, 2012, 01:06:54 PM
www.conjunctivitus.com    - now there's a site for sore eyes

Robin


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jacksoni on March 02, 2012, 01:22:00 PM
Only interesting in that they spelled it wrong. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on March 09, 2012, 01:04:23 AM
Jerry was working out at the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing across the room.

He asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked at the girl, and then looked at Jerry and said,

"Try the ATM in the lobby."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on March 09, 2012, 07:33:18 AM
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt form his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Wow, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

[Don't make me come 'splain this to you -- read the last line again, slowly -- out loud.]


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on March 09, 2012, 08:23:01 AM
A small zoo in Capon Bridge, West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Elmer Lee Spitler, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Elmer Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Elmer Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Elmer Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Elmer Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."

The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."

The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Elmer Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."

Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Elmer Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 09, 2012, 12:49:16 PM
Never take a turkey to church..........he may use fowl language  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on March 11, 2012, 12:31:41 PM
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.  The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.  The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"  The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"  The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic . . . "Try doing it with the engine running."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 16, 2012, 08:25:19 AM
Back on topic...Eh-hem............If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill themself, Is that a hostage crisis ? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on March 16, 2012, 08:53:21 AM
Back on topic...Eh-hem............If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill themself, Is that a hostage crisis ? :cheers:

If you asked me, I'd say it's open to debate.  But if you asked me, I'd say definitely.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 38flattie on March 16, 2012, 07:33:29 PM
 :-D :-D :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 23, 2012, 08:18:32 AM
Know why there are so many Smith`s in the phone book???...Because they all have phones... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on March 23, 2012, 08:19:20 AM
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
 
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
 
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.
 
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 23, 2012, 08:19:28 AM
Where do you get Virgin wool ??..........Ugly sheep................. :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on March 23, 2012, 09:10:05 AM
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of an airplane?
Meee!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on March 23, 2012, 09:11:44 AM
What did Spock find in the bathroom of the starship Enterprise?
The captains log.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on March 23, 2012, 09:14:51 AM
What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
Board.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 25, 2012, 11:21:45 AM
THAT,,^^^^^^^^^^ Is how this thread works.. BRAVO !!!!! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on March 25, 2012, 01:57:14 PM
THAT,,^^^^^^^^^^ Is how this thread works.. BRAVO !!!!! :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:

Got it - Steven Wright appearing on the Gong Show.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 30, 2012, 08:38:15 AM
what do you get if you light a match under a duck`s tail????...Fire quacker... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on March 30, 2012, 08:56:49 AM
How do cows do math?
They use a COWculator.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on March 30, 2012, 08:59:50 AM
The New England Journal of Medicine just announced the results of their latest study....
towels are the leading cause of dry skin.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on March 30, 2012, 09:03:40 AM
What is the best time of day to make a dentist appointment?
At tooth hurty!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on March 30, 2012, 09:41:42 AM

Red Green RULES!!!!

Rex

Rex - for you -

http://videos2view.net/more-power.htm


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on March 30, 2012, 11:48:22 AM
What is a dentists favorite musical instrument?
A tuba toothpaste....


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on March 30, 2012, 12:26:35 PM
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
 
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
 
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball.
 
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."  :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 05, 2012, 11:48:33 PM
What do the Minnesota Vikings and a stolen car have in common?  No title.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 06, 2012, 08:52:23 AM
I had to quit my part-time job at H&R  Block. It was too taxing.      :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 06, 2012, 10:48:54 AM
Did you hear the police were called to the laundromat?
Two shirts were being held up by three clothes pins.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 06, 2012, 10:50:52 AM
What kind of vehicle did Mickey Mouse get for his wife?
A Minnie Cooper, Minnie van or moustang....(take your pick).


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 06, 2012, 10:52:26 AM
What is the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle.


That's all folks!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on April 06, 2012, 11:31:43 AM
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”  :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 13, 2012, 07:44:51 AM
What do you call a fish with two legs?...................a two-knee fish.. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on April 13, 2012, 08:04:33 AM
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" – not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the Doc's finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends". Everyone loved it!  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 13, 2012, 09:23:03 AM
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers???....The outside.  (just staying on topic.....) :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 13, 2012, 11:14:22 AM
Do you know why the Chinese people will not use the phone book?
There are so many Wings and so many Wongs they are afraid they might wing the wong number!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 13, 2012, 11:25:55 AM
What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato?
Hey, ketch-up!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on April 13, 2012, 12:42:53 PM
Some Unanswered Questions:

If 4 out of 5 people? SUFFER? from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If people from Poland are called Poles,
then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells?
"THEIRS"?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 13, 2012, 01:32:54 PM
When it's time to clean your hair - use REAL poo and avoid that imitation stuff called sham-poo.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 13, 2012, 03:57:38 PM
When it's time to clean your hair - use REAL poo and avoid that imitation stuff called sham-poo.

Oooh - then U2 plays shamrock!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: olepaw on April 13, 2012, 05:26:20 PM
whitch is closer to new york or by bus                                          dumbn enough?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SaltRat on April 13, 2012, 08:31:48 PM
OK,

Do you like it better here, or in the summer?

Do you walk to work or carry your lunch?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 14, 2012, 05:18:07 PM
i'm always amazed that the water comes right up to the shore!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on April 14, 2012, 05:19:23 PM
It's never been more like this than it is right now.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 15, 2012, 06:30:16 PM
This thread ain't what it used to be - never was . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 15, 2012, 06:33:09 PM
I feel more like I do now than when I got here.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 20, 2012, 07:55:18 AM
Back on topic>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.Why do cowboys ride horses??? ...Because they are too heavy to carry :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 20, 2012, 09:38:03 AM
I am reading a book about anti-gravity.....
It's impossible to put down.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 20, 2012, 09:41:31 AM
The newspaper in Wendover reported about a hole in the wall at the nudist colony....
the police are looking into it.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 20, 2012, 09:47:33 AM
When William joined the army, he was very uncomfortable with the phrase "fire at will".


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 20, 2012, 09:57:22 AM
Ron Popeil just introduced a new type of broom.......it is sweeping the nation!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on April 20, 2012, 09:58:20 AM
You'd think the Secret Service would know how to be serviced secretly :?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 20, 2012, 10:11:07 AM
That's a good one, Rckt, and timely, of course.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 20, 2012, 10:26:12 AM
I'm still laughing over that one!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 20, 2012, 11:03:54 AM
I promise this is the last one for today....
Why did the capacitor kiss the diode?
Because he couldn't resistor!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on April 21, 2012, 12:09:44 AM
    Freud joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Freud replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Freud continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Freud replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Freud around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Freud rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Freud says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Freud replies: "Listen lady, I am 83 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: olepaw on April 21, 2012, 07:08:26 PM
good one, i think?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: salt27 on April 21, 2012, 09:20:32 PM
Did he leave on his motorcycle? :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 27, 2012, 07:48:32 AM
Two fish are in a tank, one fish turns to the other and asks........... " Do you know how to drive this thing " ?? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 27, 2012, 09:19:34 AM
Did you know that the manure spreader made by John Deere is the only piece of equipment the company
will not stand behind?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 27, 2012, 09:22:54 AM
Be careful of running behind a car....
you'll get exhausted!

Be careful of running in front of a car....
you'll get tired!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 27, 2012, 09:27:54 AM
A pencil could be made with an eraser at both ends.....
but what would be the point?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 27, 2012, 09:39:51 AM
What does a dentist call and x-ray?

A tooth pic.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on April 27, 2012, 11:21:18 AM
Boobs without nipples would be pointless!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on April 27, 2012, 11:23:02 AM
A Scotsman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallow in the grass, when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.

Next morning,he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.

He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No,"she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 04, 2012, 07:25:23 AM
You guys can start with out me..... :?    I had a pet chicken that was so mean,...It layed deviled eggs.  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on May 04, 2012, 08:26:47 AM
Are you sure it wasn't possessed?    :evil:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on May 04, 2012, 10:14:36 AM
They say that during sex, you burn off as many calories as you would by running 8 miles!

What I want to know is who the hell can run 8 miles in 30 seconds?  :?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on May 04, 2012, 10:16:38 AM
If you buy stuff online, check out the seller carefully.

Be careful what you purchase on e-Bay.

A friend spent $75 on a "manly" enlarger.

B*st*rds sent him a magnifying glass.

Instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight!"  :-(


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 04, 2012, 11:12:01 AM
Did you hear what happened when the school teacher tied all the students shoe laces together?
They took a class trip!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 04, 2012, 11:14:14 AM
Do you know why ants are so confused?
All their uncles are ants!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 04, 2012, 04:39:49 PM
Yikes! I almost forgot....
Today is Star Wars appreciation day,
May the 4th be with you!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 04, 2012, 05:57:51 PM
 :-o  What did Michael Jackson like about 26 year olds ???? There were 20 of them !


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: maguromic on May 04, 2012, 06:05:13 PM
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"  Tony


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on May 05, 2012, 09:04:02 AM
Yikes! I almost forgot....
Today is Star Wars appreciation day,
May the 4th be with you!!

Monte, its good to see you finally have something to do every Friday  :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 07, 2012, 10:33:35 AM
Stainless,
This thread makes me smile.  I decided to make a stupid joke Friday here at work and read the jokes to
the people I work with.  They groan pretty loudly but every Friday ask me to update them with new jokes.
I have been threatening to post some pictures of the USFRA club car on here in the build diary.  We are
coming along nicely. The body and chassis are painted and we are ready to install the engine and
transmission.
Monte.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 11, 2012, 08:15:40 AM
I saw a dentist and a manicurist get into a brawl......They fought tooth and nail. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 11, 2012, 08:17:27 AM
My wife locked me in the closet for telling stupid jokes....I said " Oh, Pun the door" :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 11, 2012, 09:11:41 AM
I am going to get myself a second job at a local bakery....
I knead the dough!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 11, 2012, 09:14:07 AM
The recent earthquake in Washington D.C. was obviously the government's fault.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: johnneilson on May 11, 2012, 09:15:55 AM
The recent earthquake in Washington D.C. was obviously the government's fault.

No, Bush's fault.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 11, 2012, 09:22:15 AM
What did Paul Revere say at the end of his famous ride?
Whoa!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on May 11, 2012, 11:06:43 AM
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."  :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on May 18, 2012, 12:01:43 AM
(http://i361.photobucket.com/albums/oo58/milwaukeemidget/DSCN4653.jpg)

Dinomometer.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on May 18, 2012, 06:24:41 AM
Chris, are you using a T-Rectal sphincter probe on that bad boy?  :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 18, 2012, 07:51:05 AM
My cat fell asleep on the scanner.................Now I have a copy-cat.  :cheers:( Chris, Set the alarm for that one ??) :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on May 18, 2012, 08:41:02 AM
Chris, are you using a T-Rectal sphincter probe on that bad boy?  :-D

Chris, Set the alarm for that one ?? :evil:

A long day, Jerry.  I'm doing the audio install at the Milwaukee County Zoo for the animated Dinosaur exhibit.  I think the conversation went like this -

Zookeeper 1 - "Who do we know that can wire a dinosaur for sound?"

Zookeeper 2 - "Chris owns a couple of M.G.'s"

Zookeeper 1 - "Yeah, but we want them to work.  He'll bring all that Lucas NOS crap, and we know where that will lead"

Zookeeper 2 - "Extinction?  That would keep it authentic.  Besides, he's old enough to remember how they're supposed to sound."

Finishing the job this afternoon.  75 degrees, sunny, warm, out of the shop, making dino noises at the zoo. 



 




Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 18, 2012, 09:40:20 AM
Did you hear about the mouse that kicked the elephants butt?
The giraffe put him up to it.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 18, 2012, 11:04:17 AM
I took the cat off the scanner...she`s in the gas range now. I`m hoping to end up with a self-cleaning oven...........................www.instantrimshot.com


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 18, 2012, 11:30:27 AM
Why do retired people like to go to Egypt on vacation?
Because it's the senile thing to do!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 18, 2012, 12:45:24 PM
Not good enough, Monte.  Try another one.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: McRat on May 18, 2012, 01:03:39 PM
Our state gov't is about to switch over to a 36hr workweek.

I'm not sure the state employees are going like that much.

The existing system is much better; working only when their boss is looking ...

(stolen from Will Rogers)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 18, 2012, 01:48:07 PM
Ok Slim, I'll try again.

On their first visit to the big city a hillbilly family steps into nicest hotel in town.  While standing in the lobby taking in all there is to see, the mother and daughter run off the visit the fancy stores.  The father and son stand in amazement looking at the elevators.  A rather large woman in her 50's gets into
the elevator, the door closes and the men watch the numbers change...1, 2, 3, 4, 5.  A few moments later the numbers start changing the other way...5, 4, 3, 2, 1.  The door opens and out steps a beautiful young lady very smartly dressed.  The father turns to the son and says "boy, go get your mother".

Hope that was better.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on May 18, 2012, 02:29:49 PM
Monte, I didn't know there were any stores in Wendover that have a five-story elevator.  Or maybe you're talking about something in an even-bigger city. . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 18, 2012, 04:09:47 PM
If I remember correctly that happened somewhere in northern Michigan.....or southern Utah!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 25, 2012, 08:03:18 AM
Do you know the definition of a will??......C`mon...It`s a dead give away. :cheers:.....Happy Memorial Day everyone.  Jerry & Patti Berry


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on May 25, 2012, 08:27:52 AM
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He decides to test it out on his son at supper.

"Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library."

*robot slaps son*

"OK, I was at a friend s house."

"Doing what?" asked the father. Son: "Watching a movie. Toy Story."

*robot slaps son*

"OK, it was porn!" cried the son.

Father yells, "What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was."

*robot slaps the father*

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son."

*robot slaps the mother*


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on May 25, 2012, 08:33:18 AM
The lovely Bianca thought I should participate on Fridays, so she along the following:

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

 :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 25, 2012, 08:35:32 AM
At breakfast this morning I told the waitress my coffeee tasted like mud....She said " Well, It is fresh ground....................." :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 25, 2012, 09:36:24 AM
Teacher" "Now children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and I stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?

Student: "Brotherly love"?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 25, 2012, 09:52:14 AM
The patient asks the doctor, "What are the chances of my recovering?"  The doctor replies, "That's the good news, medical records show that one in ten people with your condition survive.  You are the tenth patient I have treated. The other nine died."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 25, 2012, 10:57:19 AM
Do you know why they won't let Wal Mart into Afganistan?
Because everything there is a target.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 01, 2012, 07:47:03 AM
Thr Irish must be wealthy people................Their capital is always Dublin................ :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 01, 2012, 09:16:43 AM
Well, here goes....
A bus stops at a bus station, a train stops at a train station.... at my desk I have a work station.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 01, 2012, 09:20:59 AM
Apple just introduced a new app for pirates....the i-patch.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 01, 2012, 09:32:44 AM
You`re getting the hang of it , Monte... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: maguromic on June 01, 2012, 09:40:34 AM
An elderly couple were walking about the streets of their home, Moscow. They each feel drops of moisture on their faces. The man says that it is snowing, but his wife is convinced that it's raining. Finally, they see General Rudolph walking by, and the woman calls him over to settle the dispute. The general says it's definitely rain. The man doesn't believe him. Sighing, his wife tells him, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 01, 2012, 09:43:54 AM
What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: maguromic on June 01, 2012, 09:53:53 AM
What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
Pick a cod, any cod  :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 01, 2012, 09:58:22 AM
Floydjer,
I've got a long way to go to catch up with you.  I get a laugh out of this thread and so do my co-workers.
Monte.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SaltRat on June 05, 2012, 08:55:46 PM
Monte,

Even though we love you . . . .check your meds!

Respectfully . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 08, 2012, 06:39:13 AM
A Cyclops started a school, He had to close it because......................he only ...had....one....pupil.         :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 08, 2012, 02:31:49 PM
Sorry I'm late today....
Did you hear about the archeologists in Africa that just discovered the fossil remains of a three legged
dinosaur?
It's the first documented case of a reptile disfunction!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 15, 2012, 08:03:45 AM
My dog is a terrible dancer....She has two left feet..................... :-)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 15, 2012, 08:04:59 AM
And I want all of you fathers out there to go to the beach on father`s day....After all, It is ....sun  day :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 15, 2012, 10:20:03 AM
The police arrested two teenagers yesterday...one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged the first one and let the other one off!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on June 15, 2012, 10:32:39 AM
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 15, 2012, 12:10:14 PM
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A baboom!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 22, 2012, 06:57:02 AM
I broke my left index finger ...But on the other hand, I`m fine. :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on June 22, 2012, 08:00:51 AM
 :-)

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 22, 2012, 09:03:46 AM
Why do bees have sticky hair?
They use a honeycomb.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 22, 2012, 09:42:52 AM
What did the bird say when it flew over Wal Mart?
Cheap, cheap, cheap.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on June 22, 2012, 10:39:32 AM
:-)

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

My wife does.......mine......on the shelf.......in a jar :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on June 22, 2012, 12:40:27 PM
Hey, that's special.  The doctor didn't let me keep mine when I had the surgery.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on June 22, 2012, 01:38:17 PM
Who said anything about surgery :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 22, 2012, 02:32:20 PM
All this reality is bringin` me down......On with the jokes :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on June 22, 2012, 03:13:24 PM
Hey, that's special.  The doctor didn't let me keep mine when I had the surgery.

Jon, Last time I talked to Nancy she had them in her purse...... you might check  :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on June 22, 2012, 07:32:08 PM
Is it still friday over there??  :-D


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 29, 2012, 08:17:20 AM
I thought I was dreaming in color...but it was just a pigment of my imagination.................................Hey, Does the name Pavlov ring a bell ?? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on June 29, 2012, 09:12:43 AM
Friday already?

Innkeeper: The room is $45 a night. It's $40 if you make your own bed.

Guest: I'll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good... I'll get you the Ikea flat pack.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Robin UK on June 29, 2012, 10:39:34 AM
For all those of you who are avidly following news about the on-going crisis with the Euro -  :-D - , I thought you'd appreciate this very clear graphical explanation. As you'll see, even though we Brits were sensible enough to stick with the jolly old pound and avoid the car crash that is the single currency, it affects us a well. I'm guessing that a little of the guano has made it over the pond as well  :wink:

Robin


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: relaxedphit on June 29, 2012, 11:21:57 AM
I would have understood economics much better if the teachers had used "flow" charts more like that one. The nearest thing I was told was by a site manager on a new project. "Sweetheart, there ain't but two things you need to know about construction - money talks and s*** goes downhill."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: TwinSpin on June 29, 2012, 02:17:00 PM
There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who know how to count and those who don't know how to count.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Jon on June 29, 2012, 03:54:33 PM
There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't.


If you get this your a nerd although you will most likely deny it; sorry.
jon


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on June 29, 2012, 07:16:24 PM
A man entered a local newspapers pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately… no pun in ten did.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 29, 2012, 07:31:12 PM
That was more like two thirds of a pun.......PU.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on June 29, 2012, 07:37:55 PM
I thought it was funny :?

A man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my young son has swallowed a condom!

Two minutes later, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 29, 2012, 08:07:18 PM
I was just trying to be funny, not rude. :-P


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on June 29, 2012, 08:25:00 PM
I know that!  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on July 04, 2012, 10:11:30 AM
Even though it is not Friday.....

If your plan is to have a fifth on the forth, you might not be able to fourth on the fifth!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on July 04, 2012, 10:31:31 AM
Ugh!  I think I said that bass akwards.

If you plan to have a fifth on the fourth, you may not be able to go forth on the fifth!

I had to change it before SSS corrected me. :|


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dakzila on July 05, 2012, 12:18:20 PM
Ok so it's not Friday...I'm off and it seems like Friday...

Conversation in Heaven.......

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad.
After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watch ing TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 06, 2012, 06:53:25 AM
Since today is friday.............................. :roll:  There was a tap on my door this morning. I think my plumber has an odd sense of humor . :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: manta22 on July 06, 2012, 10:54:40 AM
Since today is friday.............................. :roll:  There was a tap on my door this morning. I think my plumber has an odd sense of humor . :cheers:

Maybe it wasn't your plumber, maybe it was Edgar Allen Poe: "As I nodded nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping; tap, tap, tapping at my chamber door..."  8-)

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on July 06, 2012, 11:05:23 AM
What's  the difference between an Australian zoo and an English  zoo?

An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 13, 2012, 07:17:16 AM
Know why Pirates go to the Caribbean? for some arrrrrrr and  arrrrrr  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 13, 2012, 09:15:40 AM
Have you ever noticed that in many ways, women are like the various continents of the world?  For instance:

Before age fifteen a woman is like Antarctica -- unknown and unexplored.

From 15 to her late 20s a woman is like Africa - hot, exotic, and exciting.

From the late 20s through her 40s a woman is like America - well-known and free with her resources.

In her 40s through later 50s women are similar to Europe -- becoming worn, but not without interesting features.

And once she's turned 60 or so, a woman is like Australia -- everybody knows it's down there, but nobody really cares.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 13, 2012, 10:17:56 AM
And once she's turned 60 or so, a woman is like Australia -- everybody knows it's down there, but nobody really cares.

Are we talking about the bush, or the outback?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: salt27 on July 13, 2012, 10:23:05 AM
And once she's turned 60 or so, a woman is like Australia -- everybody knows it's down there, but nobody really cares.

Are we talking about the bush, or the outback?

Now that was witty.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on July 13, 2012, 10:54:11 AM
Ok....here is my lame attempt for today.

Why did the bald man cut a hole in the pocket of his pants?
So he could run his fingers through his hair!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: salt27 on July 13, 2012, 12:02:51 PM
Confucius say, "man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day".


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on July 13, 2012, 06:26:10 PM
And once she's turned 60 or so, a woman is like Australia -- everybody knows it's down there, but nobody really cares.

I think we must be talking specifically abou the state of Tasmania here?  For those of you who need a map to find it, here it is:  :cheers:

(http://i1177.photobucket.com/albums/x347/pandoras_bits/840ce9fa.jpg)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 20, 2012, 07:35:04 AM
Six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy............................ :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 20, 2012, 08:22:09 AM
Six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy............................ :cheers:

Jerry, cut the little guys a break - think about their circumstances!  If you had a Ph.D. and the only job you could find was working in a mine, or had a constant sinus infection, or narcolepsy, or a social interaction disorder, you wouldn't be Happy, either.

Unless you're Dopey.

Sorry, Jerry, I’m just a bit Grumpy this morning.



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on July 20, 2012, 08:32:19 AM
What's  the difference between a new wife and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 20, 2012, 09:34:15 AM
Chris, Mrs Floydjer is verticly challenged...5 feet even.  Or as I like to say..." Five feet nothing"   have to go....Feeling a little .......sleepy


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on July 20, 2012, 10:29:16 AM
The scientific community had a vote to decide which theory would replace continental drift.
Plate tectonics won by a land slide!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on July 20, 2012, 12:07:04 PM
Still can't find Tasmania 8-)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 20, 2012, 03:04:55 PM
Still can't find Tasmania 8-)

Just keep poking around - you'll find it.  :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 20, 2012, 07:19:30 PM
I just got these from Ron -- and I sure hope they post okay.  Sorry the type is so small -- not much I can do about it - these ended up being screen shots and I don't know how to enlarge 'em.  Map first, then the question/answers:

(http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii147/SeldomSeenSlim/Screenshot2012-07-20at81534PM.png)

(http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii147/SeldomSeenSlim/Screenshot2012-07-20at81609PM.png)

(http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii147/SeldomSeenSlim/Screenshot2012-07-20at81622PM.png)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Elmo Rodge on July 20, 2012, 08:42:44 PM
I want to visit Australia more all the time.  8-) Wayno


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: grumm441 on July 20, 2012, 09:49:14 PM
that map is missing the bit in the middle were the baby eating dingoes are
G


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on July 20, 2012, 09:50:51 PM
I want to visit Australia more all the time.  8-) Wayno

An apt comment on page '69' of the thread...  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on July 20, 2012, 09:53:21 PM
We are still talking about Tassie aren't we...lol    :-D


Edit:  OMG... that's post 69 for me as well   :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 20, 2012, 10:13:22 PM
I want to visit Australia more all the time.  8-) Wayno

An apt comment on page '69' of the thread...  :cheers:

An excellent adventure, this page.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Jon on July 21, 2012, 01:28:47 AM
I want to visit Australia more all the time.  8-) Wayno

I'm pretty sure you'd enjoy going "down under" Wayno.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: jacksoni on July 21, 2012, 06:33:09 AM
Along that line- You know what an "Australian Kiss" is don't you?



Like a "French Kiss" but way down under. :-)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on July 21, 2012, 06:58:12 AM
What's an Australians idea of foreplay?

Honey, are you awake?




Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on July 22, 2012, 10:55:35 AM
Quote
Chris, Mrs Floydjer is verticly challenged...5 feet even.  Or as I like to say..." Five feet nothing"   have to go....Feeling a little .......sleepy

Hey! You watch yourself! I'm 4 foot 23 inches and don't care for anybody making short jokes!!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on July 26, 2012, 06:22:57 PM
Hey! You watch yourself! I'm 4 foot 23 inches and don't care for anybody making short jokes!!!


Here is a very short joke:

Dwarf shortage!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on July 27, 2012, 12:59:10 PM
Do you know why sun tanning will never become an Olympic sport?
The best one can hope for is bronze.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: DSR88 on July 27, 2012, 02:00:08 PM
His name was Bubba,He was from Mississippi... and he needed a loan,So...he walked in to a bankin New York city and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Parris for a Redneck festival for two weeks and needed to barrow $5000.00 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan,So the redneck handed over the keys to his new Ferrari,the car is parked on the street in from of the bank.The red neck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreeded to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later the banks president and it's officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the redneck from the south for usinga $250,000.00 Ferrari as collateral for a $5000.00 loan. An employee of the bank drove the Farrari into the banks private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later the redneck returned repaied the loan and the interist of $23.07 . The loan officer said ,Sir we are little puzzled, while you were gone we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found out that you are a distinguished Alumni from Old Miss University , a highly sophisticated investor and a Muliti-Millionaire what puzzles us is why would you barrow $5000.00.
The good 'ole boy replied "Where in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return!!!!!!!!
His name was Bubba, :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on July 27, 2012, 03:20:10 PM
The Indian chief was talking to his son.

It is true, your older brother Running Bear was named on the morning he was born when the elders saw a running bear.

Your older sister was named Falling Water when it rained the morning she was born.

Why do you ask Two Dogs F*^%king?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on July 27, 2012, 03:24:00 PM
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He walked several miles to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes, a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The same way we verify every year. The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on July 27, 2012, 04:03:21 PM
Loved those last three!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 27, 2012, 07:38:28 PM
Sorry I`m late...Mrs Floydjer stayed home today, And well....You`ve seen her.....Anyway................Did Columbus pay for his trip to America with his Discover Card???.. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SaltRat on July 27, 2012, 07:45:07 PM
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his “Manhood” in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up.

He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early.

His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his “Manhood” in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.

She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find his “Manhood”, completely intact.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too." 



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on July 28, 2012, 12:06:55 AM
Sorry for the hijack guys, I couldn't find the supportive spouses thread so I decided to post it here...

The wife left a note on the fridge “It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mom’s."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

Not sure what she was talking about!

Back to working on the car for Speedweek
 :cheers:



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: johnneilson on July 28, 2012, 10:04:42 PM
So, the other eveing I am working out in the shop and hear the neighbors arguing.
She is mad at Pat, yelling "get out, I want you to leave"!!
I hear Pat reply that he is just getting his things and is leaving.
On his way out the door, I hear the "I hope you die a slow painful death" wish from her.
Then, I hear Pat, "What, now you want me to stay??" "make up your mind!"

I do so love hearing the neighbors.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 03, 2012, 08:18:24 AM
I heard on this morning`s news that a dwarf had his pocket picked.     How could someone stoop so low?............... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 03, 2012, 09:14:30 AM
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 03, 2012, 02:29:25 PM
For all of you that aren't quite ready for race season, think about this for next year.....

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on August 03, 2012, 05:37:39 PM
The Olympic competition for track & field only had two competitors.

The Russian and the American.

The American was first, the Russian was second.

Headline in America: "America Wins!"

Headline in Russia" "Russia Second! America Next To Last!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on August 03, 2012, 05:44:28 PM
Brezhnev and Reagan were in Russia holding peace talks.

During a break in the activity they got into a pissing contest over who held the most power.

They happened to be standing on the edge of a steep, long slope.

Brezhnev said his secret service agents would do anything for him. Reagan said the same thing.

Brezhnev ordered his secret service agent to jump down the hill. At the bottom someone asked the bruised and cut up agent why he did it.
"Because I have family." he answered.

Someone asked Reagan's secret service agent, who was still at the top of the hill, having refused to jump, why he didn't jump. "Because I have family." he answered.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 03, 2012, 06:07:21 PM
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

- “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: - “An ambulance just drove by!”

- “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.

- “Matt’s riding a new bike!”

- “Looks like the Sanders are moving!”

- “Jason is on his skate board!”

- After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are screwing!!”

Startled, his mom and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re screwing?”

“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

 :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 03, 2012, 06:08:52 PM
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you sons of b!tches
who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And
all of you sons of b!tches who are getting on, get your asses on the
train...cause we're going down the tracks.'

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are
to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train...but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say...'All passengers , please remember your things, thank you and hope your
trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'

She heard her little darling continue...'For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b!tch in the kitchen.'

 :evil:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on August 03, 2012, 07:31:10 PM
A man was out raking leaves when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse, behind the second hearse there was a solitary man walking solemnly with a dog on a leash...  Behind were 200 men walking in single file.

The bystander couldn’t contain his curiosity, and he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “I’m sorry for your loss, and I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this one.  Whose funeral is it?

 The man walking with the dog replied, “The first hearse is for my Wife.”

“What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

The onlooker enquired further, “And who's in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law… She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

The onlooker then asked, "Would it be possible to borrow your dog?"

The man replied, "You will have to get in line."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 10, 2012, 08:14:40 AM
Let`s see If I can steer this back on topic.........................Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, But dish detergent is made with real lemon juice ?? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 10, 2012, 08:16:02 AM
Why are they called " apartments" when they`re stuck together ????


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 10, 2012, 09:12:27 AM
When everything is coming your way....you're in the wrong lane.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on August 10, 2012, 11:07:21 AM
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.   'We don't waste money on newspapers.  Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it...

 :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 17, 2012, 07:54:12 AM
No more jokes about fish.............some of you don`t catch them. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on August 17, 2012, 08:30:41 AM
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.   'We don't waste money on newspapers.  Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it...

 :cheers:

Mike
No more jokes about fish.............some of you don`t catch them. :cheers:

And you can't wrap fish in an I-pad.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 17, 2012, 09:35:24 AM
What did the buffalo say to his boy when he left home to go to college?
Bison!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 24, 2012, 08:25:15 AM
Do you know the difference between a businessman and a dog ?.... The biz -man wears a suit,  The dog just pants. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on August 31, 2012, 09:06:06 AM
Jerry . . .

Jerry . . .

Wake up, Jerry. 

It's Friday morning.

Helloooooooo . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 31, 2012, 09:07:53 AM
Chris...Your post blocked mine, I`m here


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 31, 2012, 09:09:09 AM
O.K then...Hey Monte...What`s it called when you lend money to a Bison?.....A Buffa-loan... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on August 31, 2012, 09:16:05 AM
Maybe I should have left well enough a loan.

Good Morning, Jerry!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 31, 2012, 10:02:59 AM
Did you hear about the cat that ate some cheese and then waited for the mouse with baited breath.

I laughed about the buffa-loan!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 31, 2012, 10:20:13 AM
What do you get if you cross an electric eel with a sponge?
A shock absorber!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: doug odom on August 31, 2012, 10:27:17 AM
Ipads don't work very well in the bottom of the bird cage.

Doug in Big Ditch


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on August 31, 2012, 10:31:15 AM
Last night I had Rodeo sex :-D You know, I mounted her from the rear, grabbed her hair and told her she was almost as good as her sister and tried to hang on :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on August 31, 2012, 10:52:08 AM
An aunt of my dad's used to claim that her preference for a brassiere was the style they called a "rodeo" bra.  You know, she'd say -- one that rounds 'em up and heads 'em out.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 31, 2012, 01:27:47 PM
Last night I had Rodeo sex :-D You know, I mounted her from the rear, grabbed her hair and told her she was almost as good as her sister and tried to hang on :evil:
I told that joke at a party the other night and Mrs. Floydjer looked at me like I asked to have a 3-way with her mother.   Well, Not quite like that time............................... :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: thecarfarmer on August 31, 2012, 06:54:31 PM
The following is a true story, and not even the names have been changed to protect the innocent...

Going to my dentist's office for a cleaning one day, I was sitting in the chair, and chatting with the hygienist.  She tells me she'd told a joke offended the doctor.  "Oh, do tell!" I said.

I guess the good Dr. Yong didn't like the answer to the question:  how do you blind an Asian?











No, she didn't like it a bit.














But, I liked the answer....

















Put a windshield in front of 'em.    :cheers:

When Dr. Yong came in, I was sure to ask, "Hi Doc... so, how do you blind an Asian person?"

"That's not funny, Bill!"

"Oh, heck yes it is,"  I said. 

Luckily, she knows I'm pretty damned fond of her, (and knew I'd been married to a Chinese woman forever and a day).  Otherwise, that joke would have been a supreme act of courage to tell your dentist before she works on you!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: aircap on August 31, 2012, 11:16:47 PM
I thought this was Stupid Joke Friday, not Sick Joke Friday.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on September 01, 2012, 09:47:40 AM
I agree with Nancy -- that's just sick.  Might be funny in some quarters, but let's leave those places to others with less to do than the folks on landracing.com.  Lighten up the topics a bit, please.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: relaxedphit on September 04, 2012, 11:23:18 AM
That's not sick, it's racist. Sick would be something like "What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SaltRat on September 04, 2012, 02:05:39 PM
Jeffrey Dahmer?  Wasn't he arrested for illegal use of a vegetable crisper?


Lorena Bobbit (that last name brings a visual) sings "It won't be Long now . . . ."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on September 04, 2012, 03:26:51 PM
 :-o
  I heard that Duane Bobbik (sp.) is now the head representative for Snap On tools !!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 07, 2012, 07:54:09 AM
Eh-hem....Do I have to show you guys how this is done ????????........." Did the person that invented the door knocker get the no-bell prize' ???? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on September 07, 2012, 07:55:54 AM
Eh-hem....Do I have to show you guys how this is done ????????........." Did the person that invented the door knocker get the no-bell prize' ???? :cheers:

That's more like it. :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Peter Jack on September 07, 2012, 08:21:44 AM
Thanks Jerry!!!  :-D :-D :-D  :cheers:

Pete


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on September 07, 2012, 08:45:40 AM
Agreed - the whole Dahmer thing was a bit close to home.

About 40 blocks, actually.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 07, 2012, 09:03:01 AM
No thanks needed....If there is one thing I am good at, It`s being stupid.......Hey wait a minute... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 14, 2012, 07:42:00 AM
Which bone will a dog not eat ??...The Trombone........... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 14, 2012, 08:18:24 AM
 bonus...................... What is large , gray and doesn`t matter?      An irrelephant :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 14, 2012, 08:36:03 AM
Sorry, My in-box was full this morning.                     What is Forrest Gump`s e-mail password ???    1forrest1


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on September 14, 2012, 08:47:30 AM
My neighbor says he would kill to get the Nobel Peace Prize.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on September 14, 2012, 09:03:18 AM
What is Forrest Gump`s e-mail password ???    1forrest1

Please, Jerry -
(http://i361.photobucket.com/albums/oo58/milwaukeemidget/STOP.jpg)
 :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 14, 2012, 01:30:49 PM
Hey Chris....................A  friend of mine died after drinking a gallon of varnish....Terrible ending , But a nice finish :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on September 14, 2012, 02:03:40 PM
OOooo my head..... :|


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 21, 2012, 07:16:15 AM
Why do penguins walk softly?....Because they can`t walk, hardly :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on September 21, 2012, 08:52:01 AM
A resturant in Niagara Falls is offering a new item on their menu.
Honeymoon Salad.....
Lettuce alone with no dressing!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SaltRat on September 24, 2012, 01:10:24 PM
This will have to he the Cook Shootout Official Joke:

Inspired by a comment from Glen "Ray a slice of water melon works as well " about the fly problem.

It seems there were two old girls sitting on the riverbank eating watermelon one day.  On of the girls says "you know, I'm going to slip my panties off to see if it keeps me cool!"

After a while her friend asks: "Does slipping your panties off keep you cooler?"

Well, not.  But it DOES keep the flies off the watermelon!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on September 24, 2012, 01:26:37 PM
Salt rat, that's where the line came from, I remember that story from many years ago with a red neck I worked with. And yes it does work.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on September 24, 2012, 02:27:50 PM
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Get off me. I'm starving."


Title: Happy Birthday, Jerry!
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on September 26, 2012, 02:22:58 PM
Thought I'd put it here - that way you'll see it.  :cheers:

Chris


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 28, 2012, 07:50:42 AM
Thank you MM. My anniversary  (20 years) as well.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 28, 2012, 07:52:31 AM
Hear about that new movie called " Constipation"?  ...No ?...It hasn`t come out yet. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: doug odom on September 28, 2012, 11:59:43 PM
I hear they found Jimmy Hoffa. He was in the yellow pages under concrete.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 29, 2012, 12:01:27 PM
Hey Doug ( even if it is saturday)....Jimmy Hoffa has been found...He`s working at a hospital , In the maternity ward................... He organizes labor pains :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 05, 2012, 07:17:54 AM
Where does a bee sit ??....On his bee-hind :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: doug odom on October 05, 2012, 09:45:34 AM
I took our new puppy with me to the market. She was laying down in the back seat. I pulled into a parking space and rolled the windows down a little. I got out and told her to STAY. As I walked away I turned around and said STAY again.  The lady in a car nearby looked at me and said " Why don't you just put it in park?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 12, 2012, 07:38:29 AM
i saw an alligator wearing a vest.....he must have been an investigator :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 12, 2012, 07:39:10 AM
What is red and smells like blue paint????.....................Red paint. :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: doug odom on October 12, 2012, 07:00:00 PM
This from my 9 year old grand daughter.

A girl hands her teacher a blank piece of white paper and says it is a picture of a cow eating grass.
The teacher says " I don't see any grass."
"The cow ate all the grass".
The teacher says " I don't see the cow".
"There was no more grass so the cow left".


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Peter Jack on October 12, 2012, 07:52:10 PM
If I am what I eat, then I'm cheap, quick and easy!!!

Pete


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: maguromic on October 12, 2012, 09:44:06 PM
What do you get from a  pampered cow?  spoiled milk  Tony


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 19, 2012, 10:13:33 AM
I quit my job at the recycling company...........They had me crushing cans ,and it was soda pressing.................. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: maguromic on October 19, 2012, 10:25:14 AM
I had an old girlfriend of mine, when visiting someone new, immediately scans their bookshelves for a copy of Canterbury Tales. If she finds it, she throws it at someone and yells "LOOKOUT! FLYING CHAUCER!"  Tony


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 26, 2012, 11:22:49 AM
You guys CAN start without me.................................I`m reading a book about anti-gravity and I  can`t put it down.   :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on October 26, 2012, 11:56:32 AM
You guys CAN start without me.................................

We've tried that, but the jokes wound up being funny. 

Sooo . . . you first, Jerry!  :-o

Ohhhh . . . .



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Glen on October 26, 2012, 12:02:19 PM
The propster running his car instead of his mouth :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 26, 2012, 12:17:22 PM
Hey Chris.................I`ll be doing a theatrical performance about puns. It`s a play on words.........................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: JustaRacer on October 26, 2012, 12:45:59 PM
I was going to tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: maguromic on October 26, 2012, 12:56:04 PM
Conner takes his visiting Scottish cousin to a baseball game. Baseball is new to the Scot, so Conner is explaining the game as it goes. The visiting team's pitcher throws four bad pitches, and the batter tosses his bat toward the dugout and strolls to first. The Scot jumps up and shouts: "Run, man, run!". Conner pulls him down and explains: "No, he gets to walk, he has four balls." The Scot jumps up and shouts: "Walk with pride, man, walk with pride!"  Tony


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 26, 2012, 12:58:56 PM
I was going to tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.
.......Stick with monorail jokes......Those are good one-liners.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Kevin G on October 26, 2012, 01:19:58 PM
Sometimes I fondly think back on how long it took me to eat a tire. It was a Goodyear


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: JustaRacer on October 26, 2012, 01:49:32 PM
I can swallow 2 pieces of rope, and when I pass them, they are firmly connected.

I shiit you knot...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Kevin G on October 26, 2012, 02:45:52 PM
I've heard that Neal Armstrong used to tell really dumb jokes about the Moon. When no one laughed he'd just shrug and say "guess you had to be there"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 02, 2012, 07:33:17 AM
From the " Better late than never" department......Where do ghosts buy food?....At the Ghostery Store.... :lol:          Why don`t ghosts like going out in the rain??..Because it dampens their spirits.... :wink:Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand...How do you fix a broken Jack  0` Lantern???   ..With a pumpkin patch   :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on November 02, 2012, 07:44:19 AM
got diced pumpkin with a meal the other night, I thought "what's the chance of that?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on November 02, 2012, 08:28:38 AM
got diced pumpkin with a meal the other night, I thought "what's the chance of that?"

All's well; that end's welded.

Back to the shed, Doc . . .


Title: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: mstrdinan on November 02, 2012, 08:53:54 AM
what do you call a Hooker's fart?

                        a prostitoot


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on November 02, 2012, 08:55:48 AM
What do ghosts drink at a Halloween party?
Ghoul aid...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on November 02, 2012, 09:04:23 AM
cnkcnkcnkcnk....dice, chance... :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: maguromic on November 02, 2012, 09:58:17 AM
Why did the tomato turn red?  Because it saw the salad dressing!  Tony


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: JustaRacer on November 02, 2012, 10:03:48 AM
Hijack -

Not a joke.

A group of Trick or Treater's came to the door towards the end of the evening.  For the first 1/2 of the night I was wearing a devil mask; so scary looking that some kids would not come to the door until I took it off.

But now I was wearing a different, equally hideous mask (Davey Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean), that wasn't as hot inside.

"Hey Mister, weren't you wearing a devil mask when we came by earlier????" a few of the group exclaimed.  Step One - Think.  Step Two - Talk.

I blame the school system ...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Peter Jack on November 02, 2012, 10:47:14 AM
Still pretty funny!  :roll: :roll: :-D

Pete


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 09, 2012, 09:29:44 AM
I`ve decided to learn sign language...I think it will come in handy........................ :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 09, 2012, 09:31:10 AM
Post election bonus.........................I had to buy a new colander..The old one couldn`t take the strain


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 16, 2012, 08:02:54 AM
Why don`t turkeys eat on Thanksgiving Day ?...Because they are already stuffed :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on November 16, 2012, 09:45:18 AM
The local Catholic church has started using a bus to bring people to services on Sunday.
They are calling it mass transit.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Kevin G on November 16, 2012, 10:36:45 AM
In honor of huntin' season

What do you call a deer with no eye?  No Ideer

What do you call a deer with no eye and no legs?  Still no Ideer.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 23, 2012, 08:35:01 AM
Decided not to eat the turkey...I`m taking him bowling instead. At least I think that`s what he said he wanted to do..." Go bowl..Go bowl "


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Kevin G on November 23, 2012, 09:01:56 AM
Woke up last night to the ghost of our thanksgiving turky. I think we are haunted by a Poultrygeist.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Kevin G on November 30, 2012, 07:51:23 AM
Whats the difference between Mick Jager and a Scottish sheep herder?
Mick Jager says "Hay! You! Get off of my cloud!"
The Scottish Sheep herder says "Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 30, 2012, 12:10:03 PM
I found a new paddle for my canoe and it was even on-sale...................It was quite an oar deal :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 30, 2012, 12:12:59 PM
Whats the difference between Mick Jager and a Scottish sheep herder?
Mick Jager says "Hay! You! Get off of my cloud!"
The Scottish Sheep herder says "Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"
Reminds me of the time that Mick Jagger saw the founder of Playboy magazine having  a quiet moment  with Dennis Weaver....he sang ........." Hey, Hey Hugh...Get off from McCloud................." :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 07, 2012, 09:04:32 AM
There is a store giving away dead batteries...They are free of charge..................... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 14, 2012, 08:33:36 AM
Hmmm...This thing on?????...................That old woman who lived in  a shoe wasn`t the sole owner...There were strings attached. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on December 14, 2012, 11:33:28 AM
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: JustaRacer on December 14, 2012, 11:56:47 AM
There is a new show called Amish Mafia (for real).

First episode:

Found a body in the river tied to an iron plow.

Another was found shot in the head, stuffed up a horse's arse, and set afire.  

Then you hear CLOP CLOP CLOP BANG BANG BANG CLOP CLOP CLOP ...  Another drive-by shooting.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on December 14, 2012, 12:01:25 PM
What kind of pants do clouds wear?
Thunderpants.

I know my jokes are pretty stupid but you have to remember that I work with the Cub Scouts so that should explain it.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: JustaRacer on December 14, 2012, 12:01:45 PM
Arthur was the security guard at Safeway.

He was called to aisle 5 to break up a fight.

There were two men fighting over a dollar bill that was found on the ground.

Arthur tries to reason with them, but to no avail.

So he put each of them in a sleeper hold until they passed out, then called the police.

The headline the next day:

























Arty Chokes Two For A Dollar at Safeway


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rgn on December 14, 2012, 07:31:56 PM
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full!   :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: JustaRacer on December 16, 2012, 01:13:16 PM
If you are offended easy, do not watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNMq8XS4LhE

Rated PG-13.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: olepaw on December 16, 2012, 04:28:09 PM
ok?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Jon on December 17, 2012, 02:06:35 AM
Sid.....
A German Shepard, c'mon man, what's happened to you since you moved to the states?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Koncretekid on December 17, 2012, 05:54:05 AM
A dog is truly a man's best friend.  Think about this.  If you locked your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour, would she lick your face when you let her out?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: LSR Mike on December 19, 2012, 04:29:33 PM
If you are offended easy, do not watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNMq8XS4LhE

Rated PG-13.

That's funny right there, I don't care who ya are. I didn't get it until I saw the sheep with the ringing bell, then I fell out of the chair ROFLPIMP


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: wobblywalrus on December 19, 2012, 11:37:56 PM
That little flick is well done from a theatrical standpoint.  It is hard to get a plot, etc. in something that short.  They had a lot of fun making it, for sure.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: aircap on December 19, 2012, 11:38:52 PM
Gotta admit, the tune is catchy and the girlies are cute.
The guy is creepy.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: doug odom on December 20, 2012, 11:21:49 AM
My Grandson asked me why I don't have an Ipad so I can do instant messaging.

 I don't need an Ipad, I just use my middle finger.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SaltRat on December 20, 2012, 11:51:02 AM
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Gotta love military time.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 21, 2012, 09:30:05 AM
I ran on the track team in school...Had a terible fear of hurdles. But I got over it. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 21, 2012, 09:32:05 AM
My favorite on-line origami store has folded...............................................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on December 21, 2012, 02:00:52 PM
A MAN IN A FLORIDA SUPERMARKET TRIES TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.

THE VERY YOUNG PRODUCE ASSISTANT TELLS HIM THAT THEY SELL ONLY WHOLE
HEADS OF LETTUCE.

THE MAN PERSISTS AND ASKS TO SEE THE MANAGER.

THE BOY SAYS HE'LL ASK HIS MANAGER ABOUT IT.

WALKING INTO THE BACK ROOM, THE BOY SAID TO HIS MANAGER,
'SOME Alfa WANTS TO BUY HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE.'

AS HE FINISHED HIS SENTENCE, HE TURNED TO FIND THE MAN
STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM, SO HE ADDED,
'AND THIS GENTLEMAN HAS KINDLY OFFERED TO BUY THE OTHER HALF.'

THE MANAGER APPROVED THE DEAL, AND THE MAN WENT ON HIS WAY.
LATER THE MANAGER SAID TO THE BOY,

'I WAS IMPRESSED WITH THE WAY YOU GOT YOURSELF OUT OF THAT SITUATION
EARLIER. WE LIKE PEOPLE WHO THINK ON THEIR FEET HERE.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SON?'

' GREENBAY , WISCONSIN , SIR,' THE BOY REPLIED.

'WELL, WHY DID YOU LEAVE GREENBAY ?' THE MANAGER ASKED.

THE BOY SAID, 'SIR, THERE'S NOTHING BUT WHORES AND FOOTBALL PLAYERS UP
THERE.'

'REALLY?' SAID THE MANAGER. 'MY WIFE IS FROM GREENBAY .'

'NO SUBARU?' REPLIED THE BOY. 'WHAT POSITION DID SHE PLAY ?'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on December 21, 2012, 03:12:02 PM
I recently learned that 7 days without food, makes one weak!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 28, 2012, 08:11:29 AM
I bought a book about phobias.....I`m afraid it`s not going to help................ :lol:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on December 28, 2012, 09:57:45 AM

WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SON?'

' GREENBAY , WISCONSIN , SIR,' THE BOY REPLIED.

'WELL, WHY DID YOU LEAVE GREENBAY ?' THE MANAGER ASKED.

THE BOY SAID, 'SIR, THERE'S NOTHING BUT WHORES AND FOOTBALL PLAYERS UP
THERE.'

'REALLY?' SAID THE MANAGER. 'MY WIFE IS FROM GREENBAY .'

'NO SUBARU?' REPLIED THE BOY. 'WHAT POSITION DID SHE PLAY ?'


I know one of the whores played 4 the Jets 4 a year . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 04, 2013, 09:44:06 AM
Two fish are in a tank....One fish says to the other " You drive, I`ll man the guns" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on January 04, 2013, 11:13:19 AM
Two birds are sitting on a perch, one says to the other, do you smell fish?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on January 04, 2013, 11:33:07 AM
What do you call epileptic lettuce?
Seizure salad.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: JustaRacer on January 04, 2013, 01:08:06 PM
I'm to that point in life where I can remember the firing order of engine I haven't owned for 30 years, but can't remember why I went into the garage.

Not sure that is a joke, but seems fitting.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: olepaw on January 04, 2013, 08:45:00 PM
I can relate ,I can remember part numbers from 20 years ago,but did I lock that door?
back to the the plot if my aunt had balls would she be my uncle?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on January 04, 2013, 09:30:31 PM
Close - -
It goes like this:

"Balls", said the Queen.  "If I had them I'd be King".


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: JustaRacer on January 04, 2013, 10:55:06 PM
See if you can find the punchline:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on January 04, 2013, 11:11:20 PM
Guess he went down in History.....  :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SaltRat on January 05, 2013, 12:18:35 PM
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.   


Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.


Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.


Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of  New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on  Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in  Phoenix . 

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med  School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .   

Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on January 05, 2013, 04:59:00 PM
Attention joke posters.  It's Saturday and this coming Wednesday (the ninth of January) is the first 2013 meeting of the Marquette Range Engineers Club.  The Club is an organisation of professional engineers and such types that gathers monthly to see a presentation on something technical, like the new underground nickel mine being set up thirty miles north of Marquette, or the aluminum extrusion firm that's near here, or - this coming meeting - a wind power generation business & farm being set up here.  I'm president of the Club, and am re-elected over and over because I always have a few jokes to tell during the meeting.  Most of the jokes I've harvested from this site's "humor" topics.  Salt Rat's joke (directly above this post) will be a fine one for the group - - but I need two more, please.  They should be story jokes (or at least I prefer that type over one-liners) that are sanitisable (in case we've got women at the meeting - although the women engineers are usually well-versed in the somewhat crude language of the engineering and technical world).

There -- that's what I need.  Let's see what you can offer up for me.  I'll gladly make complete attribution for the originator of each joke I use, althoug I expect that the guys in the Engrs Club don't give a hoot about whom it is from which I got the joke.  They just like laughing.  And if they laugh -- they'll re-elect me.  And that's a big laugh for me since my BA is in "Liberal Arts" - albeit from an engineering university.  And the benefits of being President of the Engineers Club include (include?  Hey, there's only one benefit) -- I get to go first to the buffet table when it's time to eat.  That's why I want good jokes -- 'cause I'm usually pretty hungry and don't care to wait my turn.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SaltRat on January 05, 2013, 05:47:05 PM
If you use that joke, don't forget to send me a quarter.


I'll owe it to someone . . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 05, 2013, 06:04:03 PM


A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life.

A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral… I'm a proctologist."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: johnneilson on January 05, 2013, 11:32:15 PM
I just want to be cremated and put into my wife douche, so I can be run through one more time.........

will not be offended if removed from site.......


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Steve Walters on January 06, 2013, 03:41:28 PM
I've done a little MC'en myself Jon, here is a good one for that.

A pastor at a local church put an add in the paper for a bell ringer before sunday services.

A man with no arms showed up for the job, bewildered the pastor questioned his ability to do the job with no arms, the man said give me a try you won't be disappointed.

Sunday morning the man went up to the foyer and placed his face over the railing and gave the bell a push, before long the sound of beautiful music rang out across the valley beckoning the parisheners to church.

Just as the congregation gathered filling the church to capacity, the bell ringer got of key and went over the railing and fell to his death.

The pastor cryed out oh, what shall I do, I never event got the mans name, doe's anyone know the unfortunate man?

One of the parisheners walked up and said,

I don't know his name, but his, (face rings a bell).   :-D

Several days pass and a man walks in and says that he would like to ring the bells for the deceaced bell ringers funeral.

He told the pastor that the bell ringer was his brother and he learned to ring the bells from him.

The pastor happy to get the oppertunity at hand forgot to get the man, and his brothers name.

At the funeral the air was again filled with the sweet sound of music from the bells.

But as luck would have it the bell ringers brother got of rythem and also went over the hand rail to his death.

The pastor upset realized the forgotten names and again asked if anyone knew the two?

The same man walks up and says I didn't get his name, but he is, (a dead ringer for his brother).   :-D

Steve


     


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on January 06, 2013, 04:34:34 PM
None of these belong on the SJF thread.... but just to help you out Jon...

 An old engineer is getting his annual physical... the doc gives him a clean bill of health and asks if he has any questions.
 The guy says... when I was 20 my Willy was so stiff I couldn't bend it 10 degrees with both hands, when I was 30 I could bend 10 degrees with both hands, when I was 40 I could bend it 30 degrees with both hands, when I was 50 I could bend it 30 degrees with one hand, when I was 60 I  could bend it 30 degrees with 2 fingers....
The doc nods his head and the old engineer asks... so doc how much stronger do you think I'm gonna get?
 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on January 06, 2013, 06:07:58 PM
I'd tell you that I had to explain that one to Nancy -- but that might be an invitation to wondering about her strength or something.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Steve Walters on January 06, 2013, 10:28:50 PM
Ok Jon, here is another story joke.

You can use a variation of young girls that will suit your situation, such as a youg yooper girl, or young french canadian girl, what ever, here in Idaho a young mormon girl fits the jest quite nicely.  Pick a man out of the group that is fun and popular, tell everybody

 (I bet you didn't know this about Fred, in his younger days he was on the olympic rowing team).

Fred became quite smitten with a beautiful young mormon girl from Brigham Young Univercity.

Unfortunatly so was a young Russian rower, and a young Cuban rower.

The girl loved to sail, so she told the three that they could all four go sailing, and the one who impressed her the most would get a date with her.

While out in the sail boat the Russian reached into his duffel bag and brought out a bottle of vodka, he took one drink and threw the rest of the bottle overboard.

Being from Idaho Fred did not understand the reasoning, and asked why did you do that?

Trying to impress the mormon girl he said, in Russia we have so much of the worlds greatest vodka we just take one drink and throw the rest away.

Fred thought to himself this guy doesn't know how to impress mormon girls.

Then the Cuban reached into his duffel bag and pulled out a Cuban havana cigar, he took one puff and threw the cigar overboard.

Again Fred being from Idaho did not understand, why did you do that Fred asked.

Trying to impress the mormon girl the Cuban replied, in Cuba we have so many fine cigars we just take one puff and throw the rest away.

Fred thought for a second, then grabbed the mormon girl gave her a big kiss, and then threw her overboard.   :-D

Steve     



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 11, 2013, 09:15:53 AM
Let me steer this thread back on course..........................That reminds me of the indecisive rower...He couldn`t choose either oar :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: JustaRacer on January 11, 2013, 09:28:04 AM
Not sure everyone will see the humor in this unless you've ridden a motorcycle on hot day in shorts, can you say roasted nuts?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=nIoPQFCZJPg


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 18, 2013, 07:35:37 AM
I`d wager that if a bath towel told jokes, It`s humor would be rather dry :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on January 18, 2013, 11:35:29 AM
Every time I start thinking about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine. :-D

Ever have Deja Moo? The feeling that you've heard this Bull before.

And finally, in memory of the  voice of Dear Abbey who passed this past week...

Dear Abby,
What can I do about the Sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I am a 23 year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for 2 years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enoough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband was fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidnce he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months, I didn't know he drank until he came home sober.




Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on January 18, 2013, 11:40:35 AM
Grandpa had been hospitalized and was struggling to return to good health.
His family decided to visit him.  As they entered the hallway the little granddaughter
ran ahead of the rest of the family and got to Grandpa's room first.  She said,
"Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?"  Grandpa replied, " why do you ask that?"
The granddaughter answers, "mommy said that when you croak we can all go to
Disneyland."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: JustaRacer on January 18, 2013, 05:35:26 PM
I wonder why it took lance Armstrong so long to confess?  I guess he didn't have enough balls.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: will6er on January 18, 2013, 10:46:57 PM
Someone asked Bill Clinton, "How is Hillary's head?"

He said, "Well, she's no Monica."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on January 19, 2013, 12:52:35 AM
That was a good one :-D :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on January 25, 2013, 10:04:46 AM
My crazy uncle in Red Bluff thought that this thread needs some input, so he sent the following:

Noun
lexophile (plural lexophiles)

1.     A lover of words, especially in word games, puzzles, anagrams, palindromes, etc.

Well, here we go!.

To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.
 
When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.
 
A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.
 
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles . . . U.C.L.A.
 
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.
 
The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.
 
A dentist and a manicurist married . . . They fought tooth and nail.
 
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
 
With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . .. jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry . . .. it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.

 :cheers:

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 25, 2013, 10:18:53 AM
Did you hear that the Olympic committee has decided to include origami as a sport in the next summer games???....It will only be seen on ....paper-view


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on January 25, 2013, 10:20:16 AM
What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backward???     A receeding hare-line :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on January 25, 2013, 11:18:59 AM
Two Arabs riding a camel across the desert were clocked at 125 mph.
How is that possible you ask?

Twin turbans!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: JustaRacer on January 25, 2013, 11:22:09 AM
The Standing Position to P.ss
Is Not Exclusively H.s
But When Girls Assay
To Do It That Way
They Are More Than Likely To Ms.

Willie Saw Some Dynomite
Could Not Understand It Quite
Curiousity Seldom Pays
It Rained Willie Seven Days.

Old Mother Hubbard ...  Ah, we'll skip that one.

Jack And Jill Went Up The Hill
To Have A Little Fun
Silly Jill Forgot Her Pill
And Now They Have A Son.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on January 25, 2013, 11:35:22 AM
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor daughter a dress
The cupboard was bare
And so was her daughter I guess


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Jon on January 25, 2013, 02:01:31 PM
Mary had a little dress
The split went went up the side
When Mary took a step you could see right up her thigh

Mary had another dress
The split was up the front
She didn't wear that very often


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on January 25, 2013, 02:40:50 PM
Jon, unh, mmm, the rhythmic structure of that last one is lacking -- but why do I think that it's okay the way it's written? :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on January 25, 2013, 06:09:31 PM
What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the wall......... Ric O'Shea. from the wife, Irish girl,4th grade school teacher....I quit now.....


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on January 25, 2013, 06:53:28 PM
"Jon, unh, mmm, the rhythmic structure of that last one is lacking -- but why do I think that it's okay the way it's written?"

My guess is that he thought you'd edit it so he c'unt leave it alone.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on January 25, 2013, 08:28:59 PM
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
They each had a buck and a quarter !
Jill came down with two fifty,
Ya think they went up for water ?

Hickory dickory dock'
Two mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The other escaped with insurable injuries.

Hi diddle diddle,
the cat and a fiddle,
the cow jumped over the moon !
Now wasn't that an assanine thing for a creature of the bovine cult to attempt.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 01, 2013, 09:10:45 AM
I have a terrible fear of elevators....I even take steps to avoid them. :-)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on February 07, 2013, 04:53:21 PM
Okay, it's Friday in the land of OZ.  (I checked).

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father (who was clearly NOT a salt racer)
and working in the family business. When he found out
he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died,
he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card
and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on February 08, 2013, 12:17:13 AM
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One . . . Two . . . Three . . ."
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square.
He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not - here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him.
He says, "I found you, Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter - You found Pascal!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on February 08, 2013, 12:40:18 AM
Did anybody see the original Matrix? Or Pulp Fiction?
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_VrkFhnpVTZk/Swed5Mmeh8I/AAAAAAAAAn4/jpM5U9eQzLQ/s1600/the+matrix.jpg)(http://behance.vo.llnwd.net/profiles24/832885/projects/2783319/aaf845d1edfc0b13a404edf5b7625afa.png)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on February 08, 2013, 10:15:18 AM
Jerry.... Monte.... would one of you please get this thread back on track, it is seriously derailed...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on February 08, 2013, 10:53:20 AM
A women takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: 'I have a baseball..'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250.'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man 'Yes, it is."
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Dont start that s**t again; you're in my closet now.'


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 08, 2013, 11:04:06 AM
Try this Bob............................I had dinner last night at a Chinese place.....My entree` kept looking at me with one eye. I think it was a Peking Duck. :cheers:  The rest of you? Straighten up.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on February 08, 2013, 01:39:40 PM
That's better :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 08, 2013, 01:47:03 PM
That's better :-D
I`m always available for stupidity......................Hey, wait a minute :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 15, 2013, 08:56:05 AM
I had a joke for today about amnesia...But I forgot how it goes............ :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on February 15, 2013, 11:15:48 AM
I had dinner at a german-chinese restaurant last night.

10 minutes later I was hungry for power again.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: TRT1954 on February 15, 2013, 01:56:20 PM
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: charlie101 on February 16, 2013, 10:36:09 AM
I had a joke for today about amnesia...But I forgot how it goes............ :cheers:
I have to write that joke down....Now where the :evil: did I put my pencil? :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 16, 2013, 06:29:40 PM
I was going to tell you a story about procrastinating - but I keep putting it off 'til next time.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on February 16, 2013, 07:05:16 PM
I think I don't not think anymore, I think, at least not as little as I think I used to not think, I think.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: doug odom on February 16, 2013, 10:33:10 PM
What if the Hokey-Pokey is really what it's all about?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on February 17, 2013, 01:42:56 PM
Hey! No jokes about procrastinating.

I'm on the planning committee for the American Procrastinating Society's 2009 annual meeting.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on February 18, 2013, 10:00:03 AM
I see the Keebler Elves started a band - the Saltines of Swing.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Ron Gibson on February 18, 2013, 10:40:03 AM
I've intended to join Procrastinators Club of America for about 50 years, but never got around to it. :-D :-D

Ron


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 18, 2013, 12:05:01 PM
http://www.procrastinators.org/oldsite/links.shtml

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-procrastination-equation/201103/the-greatest-procrastinator-in-history-still-alive-puts-dea


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on February 19, 2013, 12:13:40 PM
http://www.procrastinators.org/oldsite/links.shtml

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-procrastination-equation/201103/the-greatest-procrastinator-in-history-still-alive-puts-dea

Jon, do I really have to click on these now?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on February 19, 2013, 11:40:57 PM
I'm planning to visit those later this week...  :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on February 20, 2013, 01:56:12 AM

"This is just funny!!!! :-) A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a Longhorn and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: a West Texas sheriff's department. After a series of tests and interviews, the chief deputy called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The chief deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call,an attitude sufficiency test. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son." Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the deputy said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six congressmen and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant. "You pass," said the chief deputy."When can you start?""





Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 20, 2013, 02:07:56 PM
No wonder that calendar was so cheap....................... :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on February 20, 2013, 10:11:28 PM
Hang on to it!  It'll be good in another 6 (or is it 5 or 7) years, unless Leap Year factors in.  Screw it -- it'll be good sometime.  Check it March 1st.  If it's good then, the rest of the year will work.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fastesthonda_jim on February 21, 2013, 11:23:13 AM
Floyd, you can always give that calendar to Kent.  He'll make good use of it timing his car.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 22, 2013, 08:05:02 AM
I used to be a watchmaker...Great job, Made my own hours............. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on February 22, 2013, 12:31:06 PM
I once knew a Pirate with two wooden legs,
then he caught fire and burned to the ground.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 22, 2013, 03:36:02 PM
That is sad Monte.....did you go out on a limb to help him afterward?? :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on February 22, 2013, 04:22:11 PM
Jerry,
You make me laugh!  I tried to think of a clever come back but.....nothing.

Although, I got thinking about the defense that Oscar Pistrious is claiming....
I'm not buying it.
I don't think he has a leg to stand on!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: olepaw on February 22, 2013, 05:44:08 PM
Things got a little crazy around here getting ready for Valentine's Day and I accidentally swallowed a bottle of red dye.
I went to my doctor who said there was nothing to worry about. 
But you know, I feel like I "died" a little inside.     :|


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on February 22, 2013, 11:19:41 PM
Thank you... this thread is back on track, it's been off the rails on the crazy train the last few weeks.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: will6er on February 23, 2013, 01:14:53 AM
If Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. and Danica Patrick were competing for Rookie of the Year, who do you think would come out on top?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: salt27 on February 23, 2013, 01:58:39 AM
I once knew a Pirate with two wooden legs,
then he caught fire and burned to the ground.

That is sad Monte.....did you go out on a limb to help him afterward?? :evil:

No, but he did stick up for him. :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 25, 2013, 12:23:16 PM
I once knew a Pirate with two wooden legs,
then he caught fire and burned to the ground.

That is sad Monte.....did you go out on a limb to help him afterward?? :evil:

No, but he did stick up for him. :roll:
I`m sure he ..."knee"- ded that................... :cheers: ( yes, I know this is monday.)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on February 25, 2013, 12:25:56 PM
I should....bark... at myself for posting here on the wrong day, But I figured " Why KNOT" ?   I`ll be the root of the issue.  I`ll leave now. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 01, 2013, 08:18:45 AM
I meant to post a joke about un-employment.....But it needs work :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 01, 2013, 08:21:55 AM
Hey Monte...If your pirate buddy is looking for work.....I can help him get his foot in the door............................ :evil:At least he`d have a leg up on the others.......He ever work on a farm? I have these two calves...............


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on March 01, 2013, 09:54:16 AM
I forgot to mention that his pirate buddies had nicknamed him "Peggy", but now they are not sure
what to call him....I think this incident has them stumped.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on March 01, 2013, 09:57:26 AM
What do you call a group of giraffes standing in the middle of the road?
A giraffic jamb!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on March 01, 2013, 10:15:50 AM
USFRAMONTE, floydjr, shame on you both. 

You're both going out on a limb. 

These amputee jokes will never stand on their own.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 01, 2013, 11:52:06 AM
" Harold the Barrel...Cut off his toes and served them up for tea...won`t get far..( ` asn`t got a leg to stand on)     Little Genesis for the occasion. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rouse on March 01, 2013, 12:16:06 PM
This afternoon my wife ask me to make her feel like a REAL woman, so I pulled off my shirt and pants ,through them on the floor and said wash that!

Rouse


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 01, 2013, 12:29:50 PM
Hey Bob....How`s this???


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on March 08, 2013, 09:56:39 AM
Jerry?  Jerry?  Jerry!

It's almost 9:00 AM!  Put down that damned snowshovel, get in the house and say something stupid!

 :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 08, 2013, 10:32:37 AM
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rouse on March 08, 2013, 12:25:22 PM
Forgot my glasses
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 79 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

Rouse


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: tauruck on March 13, 2013, 03:06:13 PM
Jerry,
You make me laugh!  I tried to think of a clever come back but.....nothing.

Although, I got thinking about the defense that Oscar Pistrious is claiming....
I'm not buying it.
I don't think he has a leg to stand on!
You got that right. The guy's a fool. :x


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on March 13, 2013, 11:02:22 PM
Yes I know it isn't Friday, but this is an emergency
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next Sh_t could spell disaster.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SaltRat on March 14, 2013, 09:27:14 AM
Sounds like the lady that backed up into an airplane propeller.


Disaster.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on March 14, 2013, 10:35:41 AM
Stainless,

Sounds like you may be uncomfortable for a spell.

Sorry,
Stan


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on March 14, 2013, 11:16:05 AM
OOooooo, not again...... Back on track fella's


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on March 14, 2013, 03:52:10 PM
Right!

Let alone you could leave a track in your shorts, you could spell it, too.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on March 14, 2013, 05:14:39 PM
Well it was not as bad as I thought.... the first 2 tiles came out OK


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on March 14, 2013, 07:42:25 PM
Well, use your fingers and see if you can play OKLAHOMA!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Freud on March 14, 2013, 09:57:54 PM
I'm concerned about smelling not spelling.

FREUD


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: dr j on March 14, 2013, 11:51:37 PM
Stainless
If you feel a fart coming on, letter rip!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 15, 2013, 07:25:15 AM
It`s obvious I`m needed here............................Who is bigger, Mr Bigger or Mr. Bigger`s baby???  The baby....She`s a little Bigger :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on March 15, 2013, 08:20:45 AM
Thanks Jerry.....


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 15, 2013, 10:43:25 AM
(http://loganleadership.com/wp-content/media/2012/03/sharp-edges-sign.jpg)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 15, 2013, 10:46:55 AM
(http://bestdemotivationalposters.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Girl-Scouts.jpg)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 15, 2013, 11:01:13 AM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7132635136/hAE48CDCF/)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 15, 2013, 12:12:03 PM
Dean..............


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on March 15, 2013, 01:11:49 PM
It`s obvious I`m needed here............................Who is bigger, Mr Bigger or Mr. Bigger`s baby???  The baby....She`s a little Bigger :cheers:

Thanks Jerry, because it seems I was not out of the woods, I had a little trouble with the my morning poop, there was a little back up, and it took a little too much push... yep... I got piles.... hope that's the last ones  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on March 15, 2013, 01:20:51 PM
Is that what makes the piles happen?  I thought pushing too hard makes hernias.  It did for me. . . :roll:

I know, I know -- too much information.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Peter Jack on March 15, 2013, 01:39:23 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7132635136/hAE48CDCF/)

From one who fights the challenge of ADD I can assure you this t-shirt hits the nail on the head. I enjoyed it. Thanks!  :-D :-D :-D

Pete


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on March 15, 2013, 01:45:34 PM
Is that what makes the piles happen?  I thought pushing too hard makes hernias.  It did for me. . . :roll:

I know, I know -- too much information.

Yep, TMI.... I was just reading the little wood tiles...  :-D  But now I think I've passed this era of my life....  :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 15, 2013, 02:00:49 PM
Bob......I`m just happy it all worked out in the end.........................................JB


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: tauruck on March 20, 2013, 06:03:15 PM
I found this neat turbo installation on a welding forum.  :-D I know it's not Friday but I couldn't wait.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Jon on March 20, 2013, 07:07:11 PM
Bob......I`m just happy it all worked out in the end.........................................JB

Bit like the mathematician with constipation, he worked it out with a pencil.

jon


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on March 20, 2013, 07:55:19 PM
No, no, Jon!  I thought it was like the mathematician -- that worked it out with a slide rule.  And the pipefitter that worked it out with a 24" pipe wrench.  And the logger that worked it out with his Husqvarna chain saw.

Want me to go on?  It'll be Friday soon. . . :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on March 20, 2013, 08:19:24 PM
> The Sensuous Wife
 > >
 > > "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," said her husband.
 > >
 > > She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
 > >
 > > "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
 > > "Uh, no," he said.
 > >
 > > She gave him another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
 > >
 > > "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen $30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
 > >
 > > "No," he said, now really, really intrigued.
 > >
 > > "Go look in the garage..."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: tauruck on March 21, 2013, 12:47:01 AM
Good one. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rouse on March 21, 2013, 12:00:27 PM
After searching all over the place for ammo, I finally found and bought several cases at one of our local gun shops.
 On the way back to my office I had to stop for gas, and filling up next to me was a beautiful young lady.
She noticed the ammo in the back of my truck and said she loved to barter, and wanted to know if I would trade ammo for sex.

I ask her what ammo did she have.

Rouse



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on March 21, 2013, 01:52:19 PM
Better one  :-D :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 22, 2013, 07:21:54 AM
But on the other  hand....I have different fingers. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rouse on March 22, 2013, 07:39:08 AM
But on the other  hand....I have different fingers. :cheers:

That's what she said! :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 22, 2013, 10:18:55 AM
The husband comes home and while searching for something else, comes across a bunch of golf balls and a pile of cash in his wife's dresser.

When the wife comes home he asks about it.

The wife says, "Some time ago when you cheated on me I decided to cheat on you with your golf buddies."

"So whats with the golf balls?"

"I charge them one golf ball for having sex."

"What's with the pile of cash?"

"Every time I get a dozen golf balls I sell them."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 22, 2013, 10:47:39 AM
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion.
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boy friend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.
"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long."

And then the fight started . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: robfrey on March 24, 2013, 09:25:37 AM
Good ones Dean!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 29, 2013, 07:13:06 AM
During dinner last eve` I chimed in with what I felt was an inspired pun....The bride said " You`re' incorrigible"...I suggested she try not to "incorrige" me then.     It`s good to be King.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 29, 2013, 07:24:58 AM
When astronauts die...Does the family run an orbituary?? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on March 29, 2013, 09:13:15 AM
During dinner last eve` I chimed in with what I felt was an inspired pun....The bride said " You`re' incorrigible"...I suggested she try not to "incorrige" me then.    It`s good to be King.

That takes a lot of corrige.

My ex wife once called me 'incorrigible" - I called her a dirigible.

I'm much happier with the new model.

When astronauts die...Does the family run an orbituary?? :cheers:

No, but before they are buried, the coroner needs to check the body for lunarticks.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on March 29, 2013, 09:24:06 AM
Two old duffers were sitting at the bar, drinking, and looking straight ahead.  One says:

"Look at those two guys over there on the other side of the bar.  If we're not careful we'll look like that in 10 or 15 years."

The other one responds:  "That's us, you fool.  You're looking at the mirror behind the bar!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on March 29, 2013, 09:45:47 AM
What do you call a nosey pepper?
Jalapeno business!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on March 29, 2013, 09:48:27 AM
I did hear once that astronauts have sandwiches made with launch meat!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 29, 2013, 10:15:37 AM
How do you get an astronaut baby to sleep? Rocket

What should an astronaut do when he gets dirty? Take a meteor shower

What did the astronaut get when the rocket fell on his foot? Mistletoe

What did the astronaut think of the restaurant on the moon? He thought the food was fine but there wasn't much of an atmosphere

What did the astronaut see on the stove? An unidentified frying object

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar

What do you call an astronaut's watch? A lunar-tick

Where do astronauts keep their sandwiches? In their launch boxes

Why don't astronauts relate well to other people? They are not always down-to-earth

Why do astronauts wear bullet-proof vests? To protect themselves against shooting stars

What happens to astronauts who misbehave? They’re grounded

Did you hear the one about the spaceship? It was out of this world

What do you call a space magician? A flying saucerer

What kind of Star Wars toy can you ride? A Toy-Yoda

When is the moon not hungry? When it is full

How did the rocket lose its job? It was fired

How does the astronaut describe his work? Heavenly


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 29, 2013, 10:16:32 AM
Hey Monte...I knew an astronaut who failed an experiment in weightlessness....He didn`t understand the gravity of the situation.   IT`S GOOD TO BE KING !!!!!!! :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on March 29, 2013, 10:17:35 AM
You too Dean. King Jer :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on March 29, 2013, 01:14:48 PM
Jerry,
I gladly bow down to the King of Stupid Joke Friday!!
Most of the people I work with here come to me and say "It's Friday, what is the stupid joke for the day?"
You and the others have provided me with plenty of groaners.

What do you call a bull that has swallowed a bomb?
Abominable!

Thanks all, for making me and my co-workers laugh out loud. Especially King Jerry!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: manta22 on March 29, 2013, 03:39:47 PM
What did P.T. Barnum's critics call him?

The abominable showman.................. :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on March 29, 2013, 11:48:45 PM
Abraham Lincoln said:
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.

My dad said:
You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . And that's enough to make a decent living.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 05, 2013, 06:59:57 AM
Reminds me of the kid who ate his homework because his teacher said it was a piece of cake...............


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 05, 2013, 07:01:18 AM
Hey Dean....Do you know what part of a computer astronauts like best????  The Space bar :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: tauruck on April 05, 2013, 07:35:50 AM
 
 
 
 
 
 Rednecks choking manuver.

A redneck and his girlfriend are having dinner one evening when all of a sudden the redneck's aquentice jumps up and stars gasping for air.

The redneck quickly stands up and realizes she choking on a piece of hamhok.

He starts pounding on her back like a drum and says "you alright?" she shakes her head no.

So then he starts hitting her belly, "how bout now?" he askes.

Her face now red shakes no. "i sure hate to have to do this to you" he says. then he goes behind her and flips up her dress and licks her in the Acura crack.

He looks at her and askes her again "you alright?" she shakes her head no and her face is now purple.

The redneck looks at her with defeat and says "Well Im sorry, I guess that dog-gone hinelick manuver don't work after all"



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: tauruck on April 05, 2013, 07:38:30 AM
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.





Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 05, 2013, 09:12:31 AM
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired.
He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't" cried the owner, "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 05, 2013, 09:20:31 AM
Did you hear about the farmer whose dyslexic wife left him?
He found out in John Deere letter.



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 05, 2013, 09:50:50 AM
The English Lit. teacher asked the pretty female student to name three plays by Shakespeare.

She replies:  "4 inches, 8 inches, and twelve inches."

The teacher ask her to explain that nonsense, to which the girl replies:

"Much ado about nothing",

"As you like it",

and "Midsummer Night's Dream".


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 05, 2013, 10:07:18 AM
I see that my sweet and innocent joke thread has degraded into a cesspool of filth and disgusting sex jokes.  Keep up the good work. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 05, 2013, 12:30:09 PM
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired.
He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't" cried the owner, "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"

The poor guy had been fired more times than Billy Martin.  I'd quit, too.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: BackwoodsBoy on April 05, 2013, 12:35:53 PM
What do you call the Dead Blonde in the Closet???











Winner of the 1988 Hide and Go Seek Contest!!!! :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 05, 2013, 04:00:15 PM
This message isn't text, but the machine won't let me not put something here.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: charlie101 on April 05, 2013, 05:31:53 PM
If I asked all the comedians to leave the thread I'd be the only one here!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 08, 2013, 05:08:24 PM
I know, it's not Friday, but this is what happens in Wisconsin when winter hangs on a few weeks longer than it should.

And yes, I know everybody involved in this one, and yes, the DNR has already chewed them out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBqzTc-P7E0



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: salt27 on April 08, 2013, 11:06:56 PM
I know, it's not Friday, but this is what happens in Wisconsin when winter hangs on a few weeks longer than it should.

And yes, I know everybody involved in this one, and yes, the DNR has already chewed them out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBqzTc-P7E0



I know what Jon (SSS) has to be thinking.

"All these shirts and all those deer, hey". :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: tauruck on April 08, 2013, 11:08:09 PM
A bunch of Cheese Heads sacking a deer!. They got the colour right though. That was really funny. Thanks MM. :cheers: I never checked if it had a #4 on it.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 08, 2013, 11:30:07 PM
A bunch of Cheese Heads sacking a deer!. They got the colour right though. That was really funny. Thanks MM. :cheers: I never checked if it had a #4 on it.

#4 isn't quite so "dear" anymore.  But hey, if everyone who watched this were to do the same and slap a landracing.com T-shirt on Bambi, think of the incredible press the site would get!

The T-shirt is a Rufus King High School shirt.

By the way - everyone in the video DOES NOT DRINK.  These people were completely sober when they thought up this weirdness. 

And I get to work with them day in and day out . . .

This is why racing a Midget at Bonneville seems like a logical thing to do.  I'm a product of a sick and twisted environment.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Freud on April 10, 2013, 10:10:30 PM
He's a farmer when his favorite saying is:

"The hay is in the barn."

You know you are dealing with a vegetarian when his favorite saying is:

"The root is in the cellar."

FREUD


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: tauruck on April 11, 2013, 08:00:06 AM
A bunch of Cheese Heads sacking a deer!. They got the colour right though. That was really funny. Thanks MM. :cheers: I never checked if it had a #4 on it.

#4 isn't quite so "dear" anymore.  But hey, if everyone who watched this were to do the same and slap a landracing.com T-shirt on Bambi, think of the incredible press the site would get!

The T-shirt is a Rufus King High School shirt.

By the way - everyone in the video DOES NOT DRINK.  These people were completely sober when they thought up this weirdness. 

And I get to work with them day in and day out . . .

This is why racing a Midget at Bonneville seems like a logical thing to do.  I'm a product of a sick and twisted environment.

#4.... Rodger that :-D


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 11, 2013, 06:29:34 PM

Just an update on this one.

Seems the “perps” I work with have taken down the video and have been now officially charged and fined by the DNR.

Probably would have not been a problem had they not posted a video as potentially “viral” as somebody putting a T-shirt on a deer.

This from yesterday’s news –

http://www.todaystmj4.com/multimedia/videos/?bctid=2291937336001



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 12, 2013, 06:57:13 AM
I`ve decided to be cremated over a traditional funeral....Just thinking outside the box............... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 12, 2013, 06:58:30 AM
Bonus...Since it`s FRIDAY :wink:   I tried a bowl of soup made from baby bear...............It was a little grizzly :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 12, 2013, 09:29:45 AM
How did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate pizza before it was cool.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 12, 2013, 09:47:55 AM
One time I asked Gandalf to summon the band that sang "I want you to want me."

Gandalf glared at me and said, "Do not take me for some conjurer of Cheap Trick."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on April 12, 2013, 11:02:23 AM

Just an update on this one.

Seems the “perps” I work with have taken down the video and have been now officially charged and fined by the DNR.

Probably would have not been a problem had they not posted a video as potentially “viral” as somebody putting a T-shirt on a deer.

This from yesterday’s news –

http://www.todaystmj4.com/multimedia/videos/?bctid=2291937336001




Hay Chris, your deer dressing buds made the big time, they'er on MSN-Now, geez the things ya gotta do to get some fame in this world. :-P


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 13, 2013, 10:37:01 PM

Just an update on this one.

Seems the “perps” I work with have taken down the video and have been now officially charged and fined by the DNR.

Probably would have not been a problem had they not posted a video as potentially “viral” as somebody putting a T-shirt on a deer.

This from yesterday’s news –

http://www.todaystmj4.com/multimedia/videos/?bctid=2291937336001




Hay Chris, your deer dressing buds made the big time, they'er on MSN-Now, geez the things ya gotta do to get some fame in this world. :-P

It's gone really sour.  The sales staff has had to go into damage control mode with our customers who recognise the clothier of the cervidae, the habedershor to the hooved.

It's kind of tough explaining to customers you've been dealing with for years what the hades your co-workers were thinking.

 :| 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rouse on April 15, 2013, 08:58:23 AM
What a bunch of yuppie commee's. What is the would coming too when you can't be a harmless redneck?

If you didn't think that was funny, then you're a Communist, Plain and simple.

Had these folks actually harmed that dear, I wouldn't think it was funny, however, the dear is now roaming free and probably a little smarter when it comes to traps.

Some folks are so measurable in their stupid little world that, they are only happy when they cause measure to someone else that had the audacity to have fun.  Those NRS folks you have up there should "P!ss Off"

Rouse



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 15, 2013, 02:21:13 PM
Rouse.....No need to sugar -coat it...Tell us what you think :cheers:Happy MONDAY


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on April 15, 2013, 02:28:03 PM
Jerry, I was thinking that maybe Rouse should take a mellow pill.  Whaddaya tink?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on April 15, 2013, 02:30:10 PM
Dat is mellow for Texas :-)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rouse on April 15, 2013, 02:48:16 PM
I'm always Mellow. I just have a hard time with people that thinks there should be a law against having fun.

This could be a great Nation again if not for the kill-joy jerks running around.

That dear would have probably been shot if not for the safety Tee shirt, Don't those "commie" knot heads at the DNR know anything about hunting safety.

Sorry about my spelling in the earlier post, that happens to me when I get excited over such crap.

Now that said, I'll calm down.

Rouse


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: fordboy628 on April 15, 2013, 03:24:24 PM

Just an update on this one.

Seems the “perps” I work with have taken down the video and have been now officially charged and fined by the DNR.

Probably would have not been a problem had they not posted a video as potentially “viral” as somebody putting a T-shirt on a deer.

This from yesterday’s news –

http://www.todaystmj4.com/multimedia/videos/?bctid=2291937336001




Hay Chris, your deer dressing buds made the big time, they'er on MSN-Now, geez the things ya gotta do to get some fame in this world. :-P

It's gone really sour.  The sales staff has had to go into damage control mode with our customers who recognise the clothier of the cervidae, the habedershor to the hooved.

It's kind of tough explaining to customers you've been dealing with for years what the hades your co-workers were thinking.

 :| 

Apparently, it is a dangerous combination, to be terminally bored AND live in suburban Wisconsin. . . . . . . . . .

Hopefully the Brewers will be doing OK and Packer mini-camps will start soon, giving the terminally bored something else to do. . . . . . . . .

Maybe they are Milwaukee Bucks fans. . . . . . . . .       OH, wait, . . . . .     That's how the trouble started in the first place. . . . . . . . .     Doh!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rouse on April 15, 2013, 04:50:24 PM
The most common last words of a redneck is " Hold my beer and watch this!!! "

It's not hard to be a redneck, it's just hard to be good at it.


Johnnie Rouse


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on April 15, 2013, 06:06:32 PM
That's hardly sport, tackling a deer.

Now if you want REAL sport tackle a Green Bay Packer and put a deer t-shirt on him!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on April 15, 2013, 08:54:09 PM
He called the deer, dear.  Is there something (other than Commie) going on here?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 15, 2013, 10:53:43 PM
He called the deer, dear.  Is there something (other than Commie) going on here?

No - that was a Brett Favre/ Aaron Rodgers reference.

I know these guys- I work with them, and they are decent people - I would have no problem entrusting any of them to the week-end care of our cats.  There was no beer involved, there were no drugs involved - it was just a case of poor judgment.

One aspect of this that the press hasn't caught on to is that an officer with the DNR actually confronted them within a day or so of this happening and chewed them out - and from what I was told, while trying to maintain a straight face - and it wasn't until the video went viral that they seem to have become compelled to do something about it.

I suspect the DNR didn’t want anything to do with it, either.

I shared it because my co-worker posted it up on YouTube - and if he hadn't, I would have never have mentioned it.  I found it humorous - definately something I had never seen before - my wife found it abhorrent, and judging by the comments on different news blogs, this makes me a sicko.  On the other hand, some of the assumptions made about my fellow co-workers by the faceless masses have been groundless and prejudicial to the point of libel, and the broad-stroke put-downs of my fellow Wisconsinites, baseless.

I am sorry I brought it to the forum, but I am sorrier that if my doing so in any way further brought anguish to my co-workers, who are truly ashamed, and seem to have no voice in the abusive comments many blogs and on-line news services have foisted upon them.

Chris Conrad


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: wobblywalrus on April 15, 2013, 11:23:31 PM
All of this was intended to be light hearted goofy fun.  Something we all do on occasion.  It is nothing to be ashamed about.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 16, 2013, 08:04:05 AM
3 more until I can get this thread back on course....................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rouse on April 16, 2013, 08:47:37 AM
He called the deer, dear.  Is there something (other than Commie) going on here?

Scotsmen wear kilts because zippers scare the sheep.

Rouse


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on April 16, 2013, 08:52:09 AM
3 more until I can get this thread back on course....................

Jerry, I don't know why you can't keep your thread on topic... start early and avoid the rush...  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 16, 2013, 10:16:34 AM
Bob...Because it is Stupid Joke FRIDAY...Without rules we`d have a bunch of commies...............Nevermind :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on April 18, 2013, 07:00:16 PM
Okay, it's Friday in Abingdon on Thames, and seeing as neither of my MGs have clocks --

http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/cutfour/#contentId=45131006


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on April 18, 2013, 10:56:57 PM
Okay, it's Friday in Abingdon on Thames, and seeing as neither of my MGs have clocks --

http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/cutfour/#contentId=45131006

I didn't know Billy Martin was a camel jockey....  :roll:
Which one of the 5000 things were you pointing out?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 19, 2013, 07:18:58 AM
The ancient romans held gatherings once per week.....I guess that was enough forum............. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on April 19, 2013, 07:29:07 AM
 :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on April 19, 2013, 07:40:33 AM
TGIF!!!

Topic Gaining Integrity Floydjer  :cheers:

Keep up the good work


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: tauruck on April 19, 2013, 08:38:48 AM
That's hardly sport, tackling a deer.

Now if you want REAL sport tackle a Green Bay Packer and put a deer t-shirt on him!

 :-D :-D :-D :-D :cheers: Shot Dean, I love it.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 19, 2013, 09:36:41 AM
Gather all ye little sheep, and ye shall be herd.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on April 26, 2013, 07:29:39 AM
Went to a ball game last night and some drunk ya-hoo hit me in the head with a can of pepsi...I`m glad it was a soft drink :cheers:  Did I mention I`m learning sign language?? I think it will come  in handy..................... :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on April 26, 2013, 09:22:27 AM
What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Poo have in common?
Their middle name.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 03, 2013, 09:36:31 AM
For the last time...You don`t have to wait for me..   How does the man on the moon cut his hair??/ ......................Eclipse it :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 03, 2013, 09:40:06 AM
And be nice to your dentist............he has fillings too....................... :cheers:    Anyone need an Ark ?? I Noah guy............. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 03, 2013, 10:28:06 AM
When does a Dentist get the maddest?

When he looses all his patients!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 03, 2013, 10:32:34 AM
Most dentist appointments are at 2:30


tooth-hurty.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 03, 2013, 10:59:04 AM
Jerry,
You know that none of us feel comfortable posting a stupid joke until you lead off each Friday.
Monte.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 03, 2013, 12:49:45 PM
Chris told me you guys tried it once, But the jokes were funny................... :cry:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 10, 2013, 06:42:06 AM
What do storm clouds wear under their clothes????.....Thunderwear :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 10, 2013, 06:44:29 AM
Some nut named Hazel robbed a bank...She shouted " Give me all the cashew have.........................."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 10, 2013, 08:31:45 AM
What is the definition of a mistress?
Something between a mister and a mattress.


Title: Re: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: aut0m4tic on May 10, 2013, 08:34:29 AM
How do you get down from an elephant?




You dont, you get down from a duck ;D

Happy Friday!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: ThumbBiker on May 10, 2013, 08:57:10 AM
This wimpy semi driver pulls his 18 wheeler into a road side diner.  Goes in, sits on a stool at the counter,  and orders the luncheon special.  While eating his meal, a biker gang roars into the parking lot and comes into the diner.  They see him and take seats on either side of him.  The biker on the left looks over and says "I think you could use more salt" - and proceeds to take a salt shaker and unscrew the top and dump half the container on the truck driver's meal.  Truck driver sits there - looking straight ahead and says nothing.  Biker on the right looks over and says "I think you could use more pepper" - and proceeds to take a pepper shaker and unscrew the top and dump a bunch on the truck driver's meal. Truck driver sits there - looking straight ahead and says nothing.  After a moment, he gets up and walks out the door.  Waitress is picking up his dishes and the bikers are whooping it up - "boy, he sure wasn't much of a man"!  Waitress says 'Yeah, and he's not much of a truck driver either, he just backed over a bunch of motorcycles"!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 17, 2013, 07:27:54 AM
I might have an open casket funeral...Remains to be seen :cheers:   Did I tell you my dad had the heart of a lion???  He was banned from the zoo after that..................... :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on May 17, 2013, 10:39:13 AM
Did I tell you my dad had the heart of a lion???  He was banned from the zoo after that..................... :evil:

Parents - they ARE tough to figure.

My dad had the eye of an eagle, and then the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service arrested him.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 17, 2013, 11:04:53 AM
Yeah well,....My sister had the morals of a................................Nevermind :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on May 17, 2013, 11:13:27 AM

MENS TRANSLATIONS OF TERMINOLOGY IN WOMENS ADS
 
The Women State and the Men Interpret:
 
1. Woman: Looking for an LTR.
 
Man: An LTR means that I can be married, attached and/or separated and still have an LTR. An LTR can mean a long term NSA relationship. I should write this woman right away. Perhaps I can change her mind about what this really means.
 
2. Woman: I'm looking for an intelligent man.
 
Man: I graduated from high school (barely). Intelligent can mean many things. Then they proceed to answer her ad absolutely slaughtered with misspelled words, bad grammar, run-on sentences and no punctuation. She didn't answer me? There's something wrong with HER. Repeat behavior: I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this!
 
3. Woman: I'm looking for a classy, worldly man.
 
Man: I'm classy and worldly. I've been to SD, WY and all over Utah. I wear my best blue jeans out on a date (the ones with no holes in them). My only hobbies are racing, skiing, biking, skiing, football, baseball and snowboarding.

She wants someone to go to an opera, play, travel to a big city and see the sites, go on cruises or go to nice restaurants? That is for fags. If the woman isn't into anything but outdoors activities and hockey, she's probably fat, bitter and ugly and I wouldn't be interested in meeting her anyway.
 
4. The woman posts an ad in Strictly Platonic.

Man: This woman really needs a good lay and she's only posting in strictly platonic as a cover. I'll write her and suggest a good roll in the sack, she'll come around. Better yet, I'll be sneaky about it and offer her a massage. Once I have her clothes off, she won't be able to resist me!
 
5. Woman: Posts an ad with specific criteria she's looking for. It could be anything from location to appearance to habits, such as no smoking or drugs.
 
Man: This woman is a TOTAL loser for having criteria in her ad. How dare she? A man is the only one who has this right. I know I am a middle aged, bald man with so many wrinkles on my face, I look like a prune, but she should like me anyway. I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this!
 
6. Woman: I prefer clean cut men.
 
Man: What does she mean by that? So what if I rarely shower or shave, have long hair (haircuts are expensive man), have piercings and tattoos? Repeat behavior above: I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this!
 
7. Woman: I'm looking for someone honest, straightforward and interested in MY ad. No serial responders or power daters please.

Man: What's a serial responder or a power dater? So what if I answer just about every ad that's posted online? It's the woman's responsibility to either keep her ad posted, so I can go back and look at it and see which one she is out of the 100 ads I replied to in the past 2 days or she should be willing to regurgitate her ad back to me verbatim. Repeat behavior above: I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this!
 
8. Woman: Tells man thanks for replying, but you aren't my type.

This woman rejected me (told me I wasn't her type) or was insulted by being called names and insulted when she rejected me, despite the fact that I really know nothing about her or even what she looks like. Therefore, I'm going to get even. I'm going to send her hate mail and call her fat, ugly or an old shrew and whatever else I can think of. If she blocks me out, I have 10 more email addresses that I will use to continue to send her hate mail. I'm a man, my dick is bronzed with gold and by golly, and I'm going to get in the last word.

I went through anger management classes. My shrink says it's all under control, really!
 
8. Woman: I'm looking for a professional man.
 
Man: Well, that's me! I'm a professional construction worker or burger flipper.

9. Woman: I'm interested in actually meeting someone. I don't want to spend weeks going back and forth on email, instant messenger or texting.
 
Man: She will change her mind. I really have no social skills, so I feel most comfortable behind the computer emailing or instant messaging. I'm such a stud (my dick is bronzed with gold) that she'll change this standard and maybe a month later, I will decide to meet (or maybe not).

10. Woman: I'm not interested in a man who smokes or uses drugs.
 
Man: What is wrong with this woman? I'm a GREAT guy and by her stating she won't date me because of this is just wrong. She's missing out on so many good men because she's some kind of bigot and she shouldn't be so judgmental about my nasty habits.

Repeat behavior above: I'm a good guy and she's missing out. In fact, there's probably something wrong with this woman. She must be bitter, fat, ugly or an old shrew to put such criteria on her ad. **I think I will write her some hate mail and let her know this.
 
11. Man and woman make arrangements to meet for a drink. Man: I'm going to try to figure out how to get this woman to drive as close to me as I can. That way, if I don't like her, I have only gone 1-2 miles out of my way. She should be glad that I agreed to meet her and should happily drive to my side of town (20-30 miles). What is this crap about her wanting to meet half ways somewhere? My dick is bronzed with gold after all.
 

 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 17, 2013, 11:36:01 AM
What is brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on May 17, 2013, 11:43:09 AM
Yeah well,....My sister had the morals of a................................Nevermind :-o

That's right - it is mushroom season, and you don't want to give away those secret family mushroom hunting spots.

Oh, Wait . . . Jerry, did you say morals or MORELS?  :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 17, 2013, 12:16:49 PM
 :roll:
If a Moose bellows, and a Wolf howls,,, what does a wild Goose do ?   ( personnaly, it drives me up a wall !! )


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 17, 2013, 12:19:51 PM
What is brown and rhymes with snoop?.....

Dr. Dre...!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on May 17, 2013, 12:30:38 PM
Next time you are driving with your small child and wife, animal sounds are always fun.

What sound does a cow make: "Moo"

What sound does a horse make" "Neigh"

What sound does a rabbit make: "        " (Your kid will always get it right)

What sound does a pig make: "Oink"

What sound does a rooster make: "Cock-a-doodle-doo"

What sound does a prostitute make: "Any c**k will do" (Quiz: How did your wife react to the last one? I got hit . . . hard.)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 17, 2013, 01:29:24 PM
Sure Dean...And perverted rabbits say " Rubbit" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Heliophile on May 17, 2013, 06:04:49 PM

A beautiful young princess was enjoying a lovely morning sitting in a forest glade caressed by a gentle breeze beside a babbling brook in her father’s kingdom.   Suddenly, without warning, a large frog hopped into her lap.  The frog, clearly no ordinary frog, said “Do not be afraid, princess. I am an enchanted frog.  If you kiss me, I will turn into a handsome young prince.  Then we can be married, and we will live in your father’s castle with my mother, where you can cook and clean for her and me and do our every bidding.”

That  evening, as the princess enjoyed a delicious repast of frog legs sautéed in white wine sauce, the princess chuckled gently and said to herself, “I don’t fu&#ing think so.”




Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 21, 2013, 10:43:51 PM
 :roll:
The best way to catch a Rabbit ?  Sit behind a bush, and make a noise like a carrot !


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on May 21, 2013, 10:54:08 PM
:roll:
The best way to catch a Rabbit ?  Sit behind a bush, and make a noise like a carrot !

Crow, you repeat yourself. see post 483


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: doug odom on May 21, 2013, 10:54:48 PM
Beer does not make you fat. It makes you lean.

Yep.......

You lean against tables, chairs, walls and ugly people.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stainless1 on May 21, 2013, 10:59:41 PM
:roll:
The best way to catch a Rabbit ?  Sit behind a bush, and make a noise like a carrot !

Crow, you repeat yourself. see post 483

CaptT, although he does not give his age, theazOLDcrow may be... well Old, and we know how old people get... look at Stan


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on May 22, 2013, 08:44:01 AM
Stainless, I should be so lucky. I can't remember stuff long enough to repeat it. repeat it. repeat it........


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 22, 2013, 11:09:14 AM
Stan,,,, I'm 67 and DO have a hard time remembering even yesterday !  sorry bout the re-post ! By the way, who are you ?        laffin' laffin' !


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on May 22, 2013, 11:45:30 AM
I guess you can't remember -- I didn't make that post -- look again.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: theazoldcrow on May 23, 2013, 10:15:37 AM
 :-D  See,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 24, 2013, 06:46:52 AM
Since it`s friday...........................................Why do penguins walk softly??...Because they can`t walk hardly :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 24, 2013, 06:50:46 AM
I had two guys from south of the border install new carpet....First they put down the underlay!underlay!
 


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Freud on May 24, 2013, 03:39:21 PM
School teacher talking about marriage to her class.

Teacher: What kind of wife would you like, Johnny?

Johnny:   I would like a wife like the moon...

Teacher:  WOW !! What a choice..  do you want her to be beautiful

              and calm like the moon?

Johnny:  No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning.

FREUD


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Freud on May 24, 2013, 09:33:40 PM
What's the difference between a sensual woman and a baseball field?

You can't play on a wet field.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on May 31, 2013, 06:25:56 AM
What`s the best way to carve wood???....Whittle by whittle :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on May 31, 2013, 01:53:15 PM
What's the difference between a sewing machine and a kiss?

One sews seams nice......the other seems so nice!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Freud on May 31, 2013, 04:46:50 PM

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.
 
 Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
 
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,'  he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

 'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
 
' Vell,' replied Ole,  'I got it from my Genie.'
 
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
 
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
 
'Could I see him?'
 
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: aircap on May 31, 2013, 10:58:38 PM
Still waiting for the punchline, Doc.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Freud on June 01, 2013, 12:45:48 AM
Herr aircap........

I friggin' spaced out and didn't realize that the last few sentences didn't attach when I

pasted it in.

So, with the toilet paper still sticking to the crack of my Acura, I confidently walk up to

the podium to complete the joke.  The crowd is laughing before I get there and I am

convinced that I am the funniest turd in the punch bowl.

Here it is in total......I hope.



 

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.
 
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,'  he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

 'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
  
' Vell,' replied Ole,  'I got it from my Genie.'
  
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
  
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
  
'Could I see him?'
  
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.  
 
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
  
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
  
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

  
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
  
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.

 
 Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'  

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat Da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"




FREUD

I thought of waiting until next week but I don't plan on the future at my age.


.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on June 01, 2013, 10:44:45 AM
Sure glad I wasted an hour trying to get the first virgin.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: TRT1954 on June 07, 2013, 07:19:48 AM
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand
over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and
the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 07, 2013, 07:28:43 AM
Never hit a man with glasses................Hit him with a baseball bat :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 07, 2013, 07:35:35 AM
Why did the orange roll down the hill??......because he ran out of juice.... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on June 07, 2013, 09:45:06 AM
Hoo Wah! It's National Donut Day!

(https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTrzo6LB4ewVPQ0ZPLcacOuxXPvBZqsN1AsYGAEY5Y0QBF3EGzycQ)(http://susanmernit.com/blog/images/wickedcoolstuff_1763_12079682.jpg)(http://p.twimg.com/AuWjEZiCMAId0QU.jpg)

Celebrate with a donut video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=woYGwW2UB34 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=woYGwW2UB34)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on June 07, 2013, 10:46:02 AM

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.
 
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,'  he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

 'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
  
' Vell,' replied Ole,  'I got it from my Genie.'
  
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
  
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
  
'Could I see him?'
  
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.  
 
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
  
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
  
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

  
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
  
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.

 
 Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'  

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat Da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"


Uooofda!  Dat der explains my pot of mold, aina'?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 07, 2013, 12:49:07 PM
Sorry Dean...But March 14 is still my favorite holiday. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 07, 2013, 12:53:06 PM
Pre-emptive strike before Chris chimes in....RECEIVING...NOT GIVING :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on June 07, 2013, 04:09:31 PM
Hoo Wah! It's National Donut Day!


How's about a little hot sauce on that donut?    :evil:

(This commercial was probably NOT shown during the Super Bowl).   :mrgreen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJeSu1eq0dY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJeSu1eq0dY)

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: SaltRat on June 07, 2013, 08:59:11 PM
What? another flatulent chebbie?

Voodoo Mama Hot Sauce?  Sofa king funny!  Thanks!


Hoo Wah! It's National Donut Day!

(https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTrzo6LB4ewVPQ0ZPLcacOuxXPvBZqsN1AsYGAEY5Y0QBF3EGzycQ)(http://susanmernit.com/blog/images/wickedcoolstuff_1763_12079682.jpg)(http://p.twimg.com/AuWjEZiCMAId0QU.jpg)

Celebrate with a donut video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=woYGwW2UB34 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=woYGwW2UB34)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 14, 2013, 06:42:42 AM
I like gardening...In fact , When spring arrived I got so excited I wet my plants........................ :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on June 14, 2013, 12:00:44 PM
(http://uncrate.com/p/2008/09/duct-tape-bandages.jpg)

Not a joke! A real 3M product. Every racers tool box needs this!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on June 14, 2013, 12:09:20 PM
'bout time. electrical tape don't hold for crap.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 14, 2013, 12:13:04 PM
Hmmmmm....What will it take to keep you guys on-topic?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 14, 2013, 12:15:45 PM
Here...Let me demonstrate........................This guy goes in to the doctor and the Doc. points out a piece of lettuce is sticking out of his rear. The guy says " And that`s just the tip of the iceburg"  :cheers:   See how easy????


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 14, 2013, 02:24:00 PM
Jerry,
I take it that means you are not about to lettuce alone until we get back on topic!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 17, 2013, 07:31:11 AM
Monte moves to the head of the class..............................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 21, 2013, 06:40:27 AM
...........Because he couldn`t leaf it alone.......................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 21, 2013, 06:41:09 AM
Do mummies listen to wrap music???? :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on June 21, 2013, 06:44:07 AM
Do mummies listen to wrap music???? :cheers:

Only on iTombs.  :mrgreen:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 21, 2013, 09:05:54 AM
That was a little cryptic Chris.........................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 21, 2013, 09:17:50 AM
If this is the same mummy....., I overheard him talking about his manager and story was that Egypt
him out of some money!  I think the case is still tied up in the Pharaohs court.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 21, 2013, 09:49:19 AM
I heard about that....Some sort of pyramid scheme.....................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 21, 2013, 09:58:49 AM
I know, this whole story sphinx to high heaven!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 21, 2013, 10:11:27 AM
You can't de nile....that is some kind of story.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Captthundarr on June 21, 2013, 10:31:52 AM
Congrat on the string boys that was good :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 21, 2013, 10:41:43 AM
I`m not ready to desert this one yet...................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on June 21, 2013, 11:00:19 AM
You know, that's a good point.  Hydro-engineering is so key to the region, that they actually graduate Pharaoh Faucet Majors.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 21, 2013, 11:27:46 AM
I also heard that in Egypt they are the world's largest consumer of lunch meat.......
that is because of all the sand-which-is there!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 21, 2013, 11:28:23 AM
MM, That`s quite the confluence of thoughts to keep that stream flowing. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on June 21, 2013, 11:37:13 AM
It's as though we've tapped into something.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 21, 2013, 11:55:20 AM
Rapidly too I might add.  You can bank on it.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 21, 2013, 03:55:32 PM
Holy Moses! It's time to get the heck out of here, this thread has turned into a curse or something.



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on June 21, 2013, 03:58:21 PM
Holy Moses! It's time to get the heck out of here, this thread has turned into a curse or something.



Pipe threads - not curse threads . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 28, 2013, 08:17:15 AM
My ex-wife was deaf...She left me for a guy that was also deaf.....I guess I should have seen the signs............... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 28, 2013, 10:44:13 AM
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillow?

It's making headlines!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 28, 2013, 11:05:41 AM
Small babies are delivered by the Stork...For the bigger ones you need a crane............................ :-)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on June 28, 2013, 11:22:21 AM
Why do moon rocks taste better than earth rocks?

They are a little meteor!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on June 28, 2013, 02:44:19 PM
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for naturally stupid.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on June 30, 2013, 06:57:01 AM
Monte......Bravo !   :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 05, 2013, 06:59:22 AM
What washes up on tiny beaches ???.....Microwaves :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on July 05, 2013, 08:07:24 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vR7DCFCkqao Fun to remember the Road Runner :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on July 05, 2013, 10:06:38 AM
Did you hear about the rancher in Montana that was retiring and turning the operation over to his sons.
He insisted that with new management the ranch be renamed.....he changed the name to Focal Point Ranch.

When his friends asked him why......he replied. "Because that is where the the sons raise meat".


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Elmo Rodge on July 05, 2013, 10:41:12 AM
Oh no.  :roll: Wayno


Title: Re: Re: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on July 05, 2013, 11:15:55 AM
What washes up on tiny beaches ???.....Microwaves :cheers:
I suppose if you cast a line into the water you could catch microfiche?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 05, 2013, 11:22:48 AM
Very good one, Monte.  My corngratulations.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: tortoise on July 05, 2013, 11:54:44 AM
. . .sons raise meat".


The only other triple pun I've heard:

Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a shrewd, hard-hearted trader in a bear market?

Because she got a handsome prophet out of rushes on the banks.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on July 05, 2013, 12:31:47 PM
I wish I could lay claim to that one.  I remember reading it in a game, puzzle and joke book that was  printed in the 50's.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on July 05, 2013, 12:33:32 PM
I did have to paraphrase as I could not remember it word for word.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 05, 2013, 12:50:54 PM
So Monte...Did he buy a dachsund so he`d have......a long little doggy....?????


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on July 05, 2013, 02:35:28 PM
Good one Jerry!  That's why you are the king of Stupid Joke Friday.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 12, 2013, 07:08:01 AM
I took a prune to the senior prom in high school.....I couldn`t find a date......................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 12, 2013, 07:14:29 AM
Cure for a headache....Smash your head through a window...The pane will disappear.... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on July 12, 2013, 09:21:21 AM
What is black and white and eats like a horse?

A Zebra!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Jon on July 14, 2013, 08:12:18 PM
I know it's not Friday but apparently it happened on Friday.

http://news.com.au/travel/news/asiana-may-sue-tv-station-and-ntsb-over-fake-pilot-names-prank/story-e6frfq80-1226679495609
 (http://news.com.au/travel/news/asiana-may-sue-tv-station-and-ntsb-over-fake-pilot-names-prank/story-e6frfq80-1226679495609)

Really.........


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 19, 2013, 07:11:44 AM
What would bears be without bees ????..............Ears :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on July 19, 2013, 09:06:24 AM
Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn?

She gave birth to mittens.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on July 19, 2013, 09:34:03 AM
Last night I had a dream about radials. I woke up a little tired.

Better than the night before. I had a dream about mufflers and I woke up exhausted!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 26, 2013, 08:56:41 AM
Why do Dragons sleep all day?... Because they fight (k)nights :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on July 26, 2013, 08:57:54 AM
Is an empty jar of Cheese Whiz called Cheese Was ?? :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on July 26, 2013, 09:08:02 AM
Last night I had a dream about radials. I woke up a little tired.

Better than the night before. I had a dream about mufflers and I woke up exhausted!

My dream was about an oil pan - I was drained.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on July 26, 2013, 09:27:22 AM
I was going to tell a joke about pizza......but,

it was kind of cheesy.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: ThumbBiker on July 26, 2013, 12:20:47 PM
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.  A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice.  And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I don't wear clothes".

With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes."  Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!!! I WON, I WON."

She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers.  Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves.  The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know.  I thought YOU were watching."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: stwheeler on July 26, 2013, 08:36:42 PM
BBQ RULES:

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and
other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

 

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer
while he flips the meat

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction,
concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 02, 2013, 06:51:27 AM
I saw a Vampire last evening..I think he was scouting for his necks victim................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: wobblywalrus on August 09, 2013, 12:22:21 AM
It is Friday at Slim's...

This pipe wrapping is so difficult.  I am going to call my mummy.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Jessechop on August 09, 2013, 06:50:11 AM
Why don't lobsters make good friends to play with?


They are shellfish


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 09, 2013, 07:26:44 AM
Know why the skeleton didn`t go to the dance??.......... He had no body to go with..................... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 09, 2013, 11:03:32 AM
Do you know what the frogs in France eat??



French flies!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 09, 2013, 12:13:20 PM
Hey Monte...Like to buy a French Army Rifle?? Never fired, Only dropped once...............


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 09, 2013, 01:48:35 PM
Jerry, wasn't there also something about the French army tanks only being able to move in reverse??


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: wobblywalrus on August 09, 2013, 09:40:32 PM
The French are doing the heavy lifting in North Africa and my father had good to say about the Free French forces he was alongside during WW2.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 16, 2013, 06:38:13 AM
I saw a trampoline on sale at 50% off...I may have to jump on that offer...................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 16, 2013, 06:39:23 AM
Did I mention the rash of car break-ins at the hospital parking ramp??.. That is wrong on so many levels..................... :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 16, 2013, 09:11:41 AM
No matter how much you try to push the envelope.....

I will still be stationery!


Title: Re: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on August 16, 2013, 10:36:00 AM
I love this thread, I look forward to it every Friday. With great fear and trepidation I will try to participate. I would appreciate if you go easy on me since this is my first attempt and I may not quite have the hang of this yet....here goes:

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 16, 2013, 10:49:11 AM
A fine first effort..........I stayed up late enough to see the sun rise...Then it dawned on me......................... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 16, 2013, 11:30:25 AM
bbarn, I will save you the wrath of Jerry, aka Floydjer......not really wrath though....more like teasing....

I think it was supposed to be:  Seven days without "food", makes one weak!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 16, 2013, 04:42:46 PM
bbarn,
After reading my last post I realized it could be taken in a way that I did not intend.
Hope you realize I was just trying to be funny not rude.
Monte.



Title: Re: Re: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on August 16, 2013, 06:17:44 PM
bbarn,
After reading my last post I realized it could be taken in a way that I did not intend.
Hope you realize I was just trying to be funny not rude.
Monte.

I've been in the fetal position weeping all day. My coworkers took my shoelaces and belt away from me just to be safe.... :-P its all good man, sleep well tonight, I was not offended nor did I take it that you were rude, its a joke thread....lighten up already!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 23, 2013, 06:50:32 AM
What does a baby computer call it`s father????......." Data" :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 23, 2013, 06:54:10 AM
OK... :?   How about this then..." What`s green and sings??.........Elvis Parsley" :lol:


Title: Re:
Post by: bbarn on August 23, 2013, 07:58:23 AM
I had rabbit fricasee last night for dinner and I won't do that again... It made me jumpy!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: salt27 on August 23, 2013, 08:11:46 AM
I had rabbit fricasee last night for dinner and I won't do that again... It made me jumpy!



Are you sure it wasn't from the hops in the IPA?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 23, 2013, 08:48:58 AM
My statistics professor told me I was an average student.

I told her I thought she was mean.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 23, 2013, 08:51:22 AM
I know I should have been upset when my flashlight batteries died.

But I was really delighted!


Title: Re: Re: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bbarn on August 23, 2013, 08:59:44 AM
My statistics professor told me I was an average student.

I told her I thought she was mean.
Statistics jokes:

68.4% of all statistics are made up on the spot, 39.5% of people hearing them believe them to be true.
3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the Earth's population.
it has been proven that laboratory testing causes cancer in mice.
5 out of 4 people have difficulty with fractions.
Half of the people you meet today will be below average.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 23, 2013, 09:53:04 AM
I know I should have been upset when my flashlight batteries died.

But I was really delighted!
Need a joke ???  Monte is.....ever-ready :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 23, 2013, 10:10:39 AM
Well Jerry,
I could comment that your Friday jokes "energize" me!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 23, 2013, 10:22:15 AM
Jerry,
I could also say that I know you get a big charge out of all this! Especially jokes that are on a cell-ular
level.
Oh, please stop me.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 23, 2013, 10:49:30 AM
Lights -out on that subject...Time to switch... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 23, 2013, 10:50:22 AM
No really Monte...Stay grounded. I`m positive


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 23, 2013, 11:08:41 AM
Wire we still on this subject?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 23, 2013, 11:14:11 AM
I will take it upon myself to insulate you all from any more shocking information and terminate this joke!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 23, 2013, 11:34:41 AM
Sock-et to `em Monte


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 23, 2013, 11:35:37 AM
But it was illuminating............................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on August 23, 2013, 11:36:39 AM
C'mon.  Youse guys are a twisted pair.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 23, 2013, 11:40:46 AM
Just a little......light hearted humor Jon...........................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 23, 2013, 11:44:13 AM
One thing I can say is I don't have a "short" anywhere!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on August 23, 2013, 11:45:04 AM
Jerry and Monte -- keep it up.  Don't leave me stranded.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Jessechop on August 23, 2013, 12:05:06 PM
I used to assemble airplanes, it was very riveting...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Geo on August 23, 2013, 12:07:49 PM
I'm banking on this battery of jokes.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 23, 2013, 12:17:18 PM
Should we come up with a new line that parallels this one or start a new series?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 23, 2013, 01:12:44 PM
Maybe we just need another outlet.........I`m certain you ...conduit...Monte :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 23, 2013, 01:53:23 PM
Jerry,
It's time for me to admit you have me grounded and all my fuses snapped as well!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: rouse on August 23, 2013, 04:05:20 PM
I'd plug it in, but she said no.

Rouse


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 30, 2013, 07:08:12 AM
If you guys want to change the topic to fish.......Let minnow.... :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 30, 2013, 07:13:49 AM
When mummies listen to music is it always wrap ??


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 30, 2013, 09:34:56 AM
Why is Pharaoh's daughter considered to be like a wall street banker?

Because she pulled a little prophet from the rushes on the bank.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 30, 2013, 09:38:26 AM
Monte...i`ll give that a 9.9 on a ....scale...of 1-10. I think you cod do batter....................... :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 30, 2013, 10:27:26 AM
Two eagles are standing on a perch.

One turns to the other and says "why does it smell like fish"?



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on August 30, 2013, 10:38:29 AM
Now we finally know why Monte is a good starter at WoS.  He helps bikes and cars get really great speeds - by giving them a fast start.  How's he do that?  Simple -- he tells the driver/rider one of these one liners and the racer can't get away fast enough to avoid hearing another of 'em. :evil: :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 30, 2013, 11:24:12 AM
Hey, I resemble that remark!

Anything to make someone go more faster!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on August 30, 2013, 11:25:09 AM
Oops, I ment to say much more faster!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 30, 2013, 01:08:58 PM
How many students of Sigmund Freud does it take to change a lightbulb???.....Two.... One holds the light, The other holds the penis....I mean ladder.... :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: manta22 on August 30, 2013, 01:25:57 PM
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Three....one to screw in the light bulb and two to consider the sexual implications.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 30, 2013, 02:07:00 PM
Menstruation  jokes are not funny. Period.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on August 30, 2013, 02:08:52 PM
Indeed


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: manta22 on August 30, 2013, 02:14:23 PM
What was purple and almost ruled the world?

Alexander The Grape.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: manta22 on August 30, 2013, 02:17:24 PM
A potentate, rich and despotic
had tastes that were rather exotic
"I've always adored making love in a Ford..
you see, I'm auto-erotic."


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on September 06, 2013, 01:09:14 AM
Why is Pharaoh's daughter considered to be like a wall street banker?

Because she pulled a little prophet from the rushes on the bank.
When mummies listen to music is it always wrap ??

Great - I'm gone for three weeks, and you two are stooping to Nile-ism.

Okay, this just in from below the Aswan Dam -

What do you call the hydraulic engineers who designed the plumbing in the pyramids?

Pharaoh faucet majors.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 06, 2013, 07:07:39 AM
A joke about German sausage was the wurst I ever heard...................................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 06, 2013, 07:10:39 AM
What do you call a Dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary???.........A Thesaurus....... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 06, 2013, 07:14:41 AM
..............Did you know there is a self help group for non-stop talkers?? It`s called " On and on anon" :lol:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Freud on September 06, 2013, 04:40:29 PM
   
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
 
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.'
 
 
Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly...usually on a broomstick.

They are flexible like that.

FREUD


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Rcktscientist on September 07, 2013, 10:45:06 AM
Freud, that belongs in Wise Joke Friday thread! :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Freud on September 07, 2013, 03:27:55 PM
Rcktscience...............Please transfer it for me.

Thanks

FREUD


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Geo on September 09, 2013, 09:47:18 PM
A day on Mercury is 1407 hours.  Seems like a regular Monday here on Earth.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 13, 2013, 06:36:58 AM
...............Alcohol and Calculus don`t mix....So NEVER drink and derive :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on September 13, 2013, 08:56:03 AM
Do you know why you should never trust an atom?


Because they make up everything.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 13, 2013, 10:51:26 AM
Good ol` Monte....Gets right to the nucleus of the matter....................... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on September 13, 2013, 11:19:58 AM
Jerry,
I do try my best to stay positive!


Title: Re:
Post by: bbarn on September 13, 2013, 11:28:38 AM
I get a charge out of this thread.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 13, 2013, 12:24:41 PM
We covered electricity a couple weeks ago......................Time to switch :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Ron Gibson on September 13, 2013, 12:29:57 PM
Ya, but what does it hurt to alternate?

Ron


Title: Re:
Post by: bbarn on September 13, 2013, 01:21:36 PM
I love it when this topic splits. Sometimes not much happens, other times it leaves a pile of carnage in a mushroom cloud...figuratively speaking of course!  ;-)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 13, 2013, 01:29:14 PM
I like to keep it going until it.........................................hertz. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 13, 2013, 01:33:18 PM
I don`t know  watt made me post  that.....Revolting, I know. I`ll pull the plug on this one........I have very little resistance to bad humor.... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on September 13, 2013, 01:42:27 PM
All I can say is I'm shocked!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: olepaw on September 13, 2013, 07:27:44 PM
this is all shocking


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on September 13, 2013, 07:59:14 PM
I'm grateful it's not an issue I'm atomant about . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: bucketlist on September 13, 2013, 09:08:19 PM
The photographers will appreciate this one.

Photographer to friend: I never told anybody this, but when I was young and poor and trying to get started, a kindly rich lady saw potential and backed me, supporting me for a few years until I could get established, and now I'm rich and famous. I saw her in the park the other day, she had fallen on bad times, she's a bag lady now, picking up aluminum cans.
Friend: What a wonderful opportunity. What did you give her?
Photographer: I gave her 1/64 at f8.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Freud on September 14, 2013, 05:44:23 PM
Did your shutter slow down from 1/125 or speed up from 1/60?

It must be electronic to have recorded that shutter speed.

FREUD


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 20, 2013, 06:55:26 AM
From the day late file......Why don`t Pirates play cards??...because they`re standing on the deck......aarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on September 20, 2013, 09:50:16 AM
The convicted murderer was in the electric chair awaiting his fate.
"Do you have a final request?" Asked the warden.
The convict replied, "Would you please hold my hand?"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on September 20, 2013, 12:30:02 PM
Charlie and Sam were lost at sea.
Charlie was dying for a smoke and had cigarettes, but no matches.
Sam had an idea. He asked for a cigarette and threw it overboard.
That made the boat a cigarette lighter.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 20, 2013, 01:44:52 PM
Charlie and Sam were lost at sea.
Charlie was dying for a smoke and had cigarettes, but no matches.
Sam had an idea. He asked for a cigarette and threw it overboard.
That made the boat a cigarette lighter.
All hail the new King......BRAVO  Dean..Bravo !!! :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on September 27, 2013, 06:52:44 AM
Which day is a chicken`s least favorite?????....Fry-day :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 04, 2013, 07:03:08 AM
I cut the tail off my pet glow-worm....He  was delighted................... :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 04, 2013, 07:04:29 AM
Reminds of the bull that took a cow out on a date....They went to the moooovies


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 04, 2013, 09:51:12 AM
What would you call and invention that makes it possible for humans to walk through walls?



A door!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: AHG on October 04, 2013, 09:55:39 AM
Hey Ralph, would ya quit yelling HI HO SILVER, it's givin' me a headache!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: AHG on October 04, 2013, 09:57:15 AM
Those two guys are gonna sh*t when I hit the nitrous button!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 04, 2013, 10:01:37 AM
Did you hear about the morons mother?

She was so proud when her son won a gold metal at the Olympics that she had it bronzed.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 04, 2013, 11:12:39 AM
Hey Monte...Didn`t she also run laps around her bed to catch up on her sleep ??


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 04, 2013, 01:01:38 PM
Hey Monte...Didn`t she also run laps around her bed to catch up on her sleep ??

Jerry, I think you must know her.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 04, 2013, 01:03:59 PM
A few weeks ago I told you all about the human cannonball retiring.....

The followup to that story is: The person they replaced him with was hired and fired the same night.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 04, 2013, 01:24:46 PM
Wasn`t the right caliber????


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 04, 2013, 01:28:57 PM
They made him take a powder???


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 04, 2013, 01:30:07 PM
Poor guy is probably rifling through his resume` right now..........


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 04, 2013, 01:30:55 PM
Would that constitute a breach of contract ????


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 04, 2013, 01:31:54 PM
I mean...He WAS a barrel of laughs.........


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 04, 2013, 01:32:37 PM
I need a painter....Can he shoot primer ???


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 04, 2013, 01:40:09 PM
We surmise you must have a blast thinking these thing up.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 04, 2013, 01:42:38 PM
Because of all your related puns here.....we heard the church is going to canonize you!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 04, 2013, 01:54:18 PM
They don`t have the b*lls......................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 04, 2013, 02:13:31 PM
You are just a barrel of laughs.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on October 04, 2013, 04:12:54 PM
What triggered that response?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on October 04, 2013, 04:13:25 PM
He decided to take stock of himself.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on October 04, 2013, 04:13:53 PM
Son of a gun!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on October 04, 2013, 04:14:27 PM
Hope he doesn't lose sight of his goals.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on October 04, 2013, 04:15:14 PM
He's made of tough stuff -- carbine fiber.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on October 04, 2013, 04:15:53 PM
He thinks the world revolves around him.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on October 04, 2013, 04:16:55 PM
Last I saw him, he was at the local bar getting loaded.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dynoroom on October 04, 2013, 04:45:29 PM
Shoot, this is too much...


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: maguromic on October 04, 2013, 04:48:15 PM
That box wine will do it you every time.   :cheers: Tony


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: tauruck on October 06, 2013, 06:38:06 AM
is that automatic?.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on October 06, 2013, 10:03:44 AM
Jerry - looks like you found your target audience.

Maybe we can put it in a magazine.

I'll go to Youtube and see if there's a clip . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dr Goggles on October 06, 2013, 12:39:28 PM
I don't want to bore you or be the butt of your jokes but I was just rifling through my pun safe and found I'd failed to keep my powder dry.........


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: tauruck on October 07, 2013, 01:54:51 AM
Typical Ozzie, going off half cocked!!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 09, 2013, 07:28:40 AM
Even Stan found this within range.......Yes i know what day this is. :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on October 09, 2013, 10:11:37 AM
A Los Angeles district court ruled in favor of actor William Shatner last week, denying monetary compensation to the estate of deceased Trichologist, Dr. Raul St. Pierre D’Aquisto.  The case revolved around an unpaid medical bill dating back to 1977.
 
According to court records, the D’Aquisto family claimed that Shatner, an actor, owed the D’Aquisto estate 6.2 million dollars for an unpaid medical bill dating back to 1977.  The records indicate the bill in question was for the balance due Dr. D’Aquisto after a hair transplant procedure, $10,000.00, plus 18% accrued interest, which was compounded monthly for 35 years.  In documents and medical records entered into evidence by representatives of the D’Aquisto estate, the total cost for the procedure was $15,000.00.  Records also indicate that Mr. Shatner did pay an initial $5,000.00 “consulting fee”, but dunning records indicate no further payments were received by Dr. D’Aquisto.
 
Attorneys for Shatner countersued on their clients behalf, charging that after the procedure, Dr. D’Aquisto failed to return Mr. Shatner’s hairpiece, and that the only leverage Shatner had for return of his personal property was non-payment of the bill.
 
The court sided with Shatner’s attorneys, who then dropped their countersuit, and the case was dismissed.

At a brief news conference, Mark D’Aquisto, the grandson of the late Dr. D’Aquisto, commented on the court’s decision.  “Our family holds no animosity toward Mr. Shatner.  Of course, we’re not pleased with the outcome, but this was primarily an action the family needed to address in order to settle the estate of my grandfather.”  He went on to say, “This ruling lets our family move forward”, adding, “We’ve got Bill’s Toupee”.



Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 09, 2013, 10:35:09 AM
Bill should have considered the scope of his actions


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on October 09, 2013, 11:12:07 AM
He must have combed the world for a good attorney.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on October 09, 2013, 11:13:02 AM
At least he didn't have to part with any more money.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on October 09, 2013, 11:14:12 AM
He told one reporter that he'd go to any length to get what he wanted.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 09, 2013, 11:26:39 AM
So this guy that Bill went to see.....is he known as the "rug doctor"?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on October 09, 2013, 12:17:32 PM
Stupid joke Friday

It appears that every day is practice day.   :-(

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 09, 2013, 01:27:38 PM
Thank you Mike :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 09, 2013, 01:31:32 PM
.......After all...Posting here on any day other than Friday is...............hair-acy.................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: smitty2 on October 09, 2013, 01:53:30 PM
I know it's not Friday, and I'll take the heat for it, but I'll also forget the joke if I wait..... Tell me if you've heard it by the way.

My buddy asked if I'd like to hear his impression of Bat Man... I bit, and he shouted out at the top of his lungs.. NOT THE KRYPTONITE!
I replied to him... That's Superman!
 He said... "Thanks. I've been practicing".

 Smitty    :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 09, 2013, 02:22:20 PM
.......After all...Posting here on any day other than Friday is...............hair-acy.................
Jerry, is that your "parting" shot for the day?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 09, 2013, 02:29:35 PM
Shear brilliance Monte......................................................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 09, 2013, 02:30:40 PM
...And that`ll be the end...I need to split...............


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 09, 2013, 02:31:22 PM
...But I`ll be ...Back hair on friday.......................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 09, 2013, 02:31:54 PM
So root around for more puns....................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 09, 2013, 02:32:37 PM
Something everyone will get a bangs out of..............................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 09, 2013, 02:33:26 PM
Or as Austin Powers would say....." Oh.. Be- Hive "


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 09, 2013, 02:34:42 PM
Gotta go before Mike gets testy with me...He has a mean streak........................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 09, 2013, 02:36:01 PM
I`m done......................I can DYE a happy man


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Stan Back on October 09, 2013, 03:02:32 PM
Bill just signed with Henna-Barbera!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on October 09, 2013, 07:19:40 PM
All right, all right -- I'll ask you boys and girls to do a better job observing the Fridayness of this thread, okay?  If you really want to specialise in weak puns -- keep it to a subject that's got at least something real about land speed racing, or at least some kind of vehicle racing.  Remembering that I set up the joke topic so you'd have a place to show your sense of humor -- I remind you that the main reason I set it up was to clear most of the site so we could spend more time talking about our hobby/avocation/passion.  And another reason was that more than a few of the regulars here got a bit frustrated when there were so many joke-type things mixed in with the race stuff.

So -- with all due respect to your abilities to come up with lowbrow puns -- please move 'em to Fridays only, okay?  Yes, there is another joke thread that is not titled "Friday" only -- but rather than just move over there to respond to the letter of my request rather than the spirit of it -- let's get back to racing, okay?

Thanks.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 10, 2013, 07:12:27 AM
Slim races ahead as .....hair apparent :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: stwheeler on October 10, 2013, 07:48:02 AM
Gee, I didn't know today is Friday?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 10, 2013, 08:12:32 AM
 I`ll save the rest for tomorrow......You guys can go ...on a head ...without me :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 10, 2013, 10:35:00 AM
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry you trouble maker!!!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on October 10, 2013, 11:30:12 AM
let's get back to racing, okay?



Did he say "racing", or "Racine"?

Hey, it's Friday in Guam - where America's day begins!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on October 10, 2013, 12:19:35 PM
MM - I said "Mukawanago" or something like that, but it must have been run through the cheesehead translater before you got it.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 10, 2013, 12:40:27 PM
Racine???................This guy goes into a grocery to buy 1/2 a head of lettuce.......................... :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 11, 2013, 07:29:17 AM
Reminds me of the bank robber that always showered before a heist...he wanted to make a clean get away


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on October 11, 2013, 10:27:57 AM
If you keep this up your calendar days are numbered.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on October 11, 2013, 10:38:46 AM
Beer doesn't make you fat.
It makes you lean

. . . on tables
. . . on walls
. . . on chairs
. . . against your dog


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 11, 2013, 11:49:39 AM
Did you hear the one about the kid that asked hid dad if he could go to the 50 cent concert?


Dad handed him a dollar and said, "Here, take your sister with you".


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 18, 2013, 09:24:47 AM
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?


Look for fresh prince!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on October 18, 2013, 09:28:52 AM
A man was driving his Corvette along an escarpment in Ethiopia when he lost control of the vehicle, plummeting him and the ‘vette down a steep embankment.  He climbed out of the totaled car, and attempted to climb the sheer walls with no luck.

An elephant happened by, saw the poor man and took pity on him.  The elephant hung his dick out over the edge of the cliff, the grateful man grabbed the lifeline extended to him, and climbed back to safety.

The moral of the story?   If you have a long dick, you don’t need a Corvette.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 18, 2013, 10:28:27 AM
Why is it so difficult to tell twin Witches from each other?



Because you can't tell which Witch is which.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 18, 2013, 06:45:50 PM
One bean turns to another bean and asks " How you bean" ? :cheers: ( sorrry I`m late...Mrs Floydjer is on vacation )


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Freud on October 18, 2013, 07:57:19 PM
M M M   ! ! !

Marvelous, Milwaukee Midget


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 25, 2013, 06:35:38 AM
Had a spider walk acroos my computer this morning.....I think he was looking for a website.............................................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 25, 2013, 06:52:14 AM
Did I mention that I met a cannibal??   Regular sort of fellow...Has a job, a wife, house...ate kids........................ :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 25, 2013, 09:18:55 AM
Three vampires walk into a tavern.
One of them says to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light"....


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on October 25, 2013, 10:39:18 AM
What does a ghost need in order to scare you?


A haunting license!


Title: Re:
Post by: bbarn on October 25, 2013, 10:55:19 AM
What do you get when you goose a ghost?.....a hand full of sheet!


Title: Re:
Post by: bbarn on October 25, 2013, 10:56:15 AM
What did the ghost say to the bee? ....... "Boo bee!"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on October 25, 2013, 11:18:34 AM
I just read that a cartoonist was found dead at his desk....Details are sketchy


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on October 25, 2013, 11:41:48 AM
Mmmmmm - Halloween puns.

I laughed so hard, I started coffin . . .


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 01, 2013, 07:55:51 AM
Chris...We already got called to the principals office for that.................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 01, 2013, 07:57:10 AM
How many ears does Spock have ???......................3...............Left ear,..Right ear....and the final front ear :cheers: :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 01, 2013, 08:01:59 AM
Chris...We already got called to the principals office for that.................
So you could do us the service of not getting us into grave danger......................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 01, 2013, 08:04:24 AM
maybe Slim won`t notice the puns if we en-crypt them?? :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 01, 2013, 08:25:34 AM
Keep hanging out in the same old haunts and I'll cast a spell on you

PS  November 1st is All Saint's Day.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 01, 2013, 08:36:22 AM
I`ll be certain to add that date to my mental vault Jon..............


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on November 01, 2013, 09:05:24 AM
What do you call the children of couch potatoes?


Tater Tots!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on November 01, 2013, 11:48:00 AM
Chris...We already got called to the principals office for that.................
Jerry, it's not school that we hate....it's the principal of the thing.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 08, 2013, 08:06:26 AM
Reminds me of the jockey who`s wife put him on a diet......He was a fed-less horseman :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 15, 2013, 08:27:19 AM
.....................Reminds me of the Knight who refused to go into battle...he was Sir Render


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 15, 2013, 08:28:14 AM
Know what looks like half an apple???....The other half.... :evil:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 15, 2013, 08:58:46 AM
Jerry, I think you're confused there.  Isn't that the nobleman that is in charge of changing the animal fat into lard?

As for the knight that didn't go into battle -- I believe he was in the service of the more capable leader, Sir Charge.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on November 15, 2013, 10:51:30 AM
What about the Knight that would draw everyone's blood........Sir lance-a-lot.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on November 15, 2013, 10:53:42 AM
Or the Knight that would hand out the awards at the end of the season......Sir-prize.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 15, 2013, 10:59:16 AM
Monte, I wonder how you missed one of the most definitive nobles of 'em all.  The guy was absolutely sure of everything.  His name was Sir Tainly.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on November 15, 2013, 11:01:44 AM
Or the Knight that mapped out their routes......Sir-vey.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on November 15, 2013, 11:03:38 AM
Or the one that took care of all the horses....Sir-mount.

Someone please stop me.....Jerry? Slim?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on November 15, 2013, 11:22:03 AM
Or the Knight that mapped out their routes......Sir-vey.

I said the name wrong, it should be Sir-veyor.


Title: Re:
Post by: bbarn on November 15, 2013, 12:15:38 PM
Lets not forget the fattest knight at the table ... Sir Cumfrence!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 15, 2013, 12:19:46 PM
Or the Knight that worked in the adult film industry and was known for his"delivery"...Sir C*mstantial............. :evil:  (my Baptist mother would be so proud)


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on November 15, 2013, 02:19:28 PM
Or the most handsome Knight.......Sir-face.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 15, 2013, 02:22:07 PM
Didja ever meet that really crabby knight?  Sir Lee was his moniker, I believe.


Title: Re:
Post by: bbarn on November 15, 2013, 05:57:57 PM
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on November 21, 2013, 08:42:59 PM
I had a stomach ache. 

The doctor recommended milk of magnesia.

I had no idea that magnesia were mammals.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on November 21, 2013, 08:50:39 PM
Related to the coconut, aren't they?

Mike


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: manta22 on November 21, 2013, 09:28:26 PM
"The doctor recommended milk of magnesia."

Vodka + orange juice= screwdriver

Vodka + milk of magnesia= ?
.
.
.
.
.
a Philips screwdriver  :-D

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: sabat on November 21, 2013, 09:30:31 PM
Marijuana legal in your states now?


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: will6er on November 21, 2013, 09:54:32 PM
Vodka + prune juice = pile driver  :-o


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Freud on November 22, 2013, 12:33:34 AM
A little Coke with 151 rum = sledge hammer.

FREUD


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 22, 2013, 09:04:56 AM
what do you call a dog with one nostril??......Half breed


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 22, 2013, 09:06:03 AM
750 cc`s of O.J.   250 cc`s of vodka...Metric screwdriver


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 22, 2013, 09:09:38 AM
Related to the coconut, aren't they?

Mike
What begins with "C", Ends with "T",Is furry on the outside and wet on the inside???.....A coconut


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: robfrey on November 22, 2013, 06:14:55 PM
Good one!


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 29, 2013, 07:40:01 AM
 A woman at the gas station said she knew me from her vegatarian club...But I`m certain I never met herbivore :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 29, 2013, 07:41:33 AM
Post holiday bonus  (????)....Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?????????    At the bottom  :roll:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on November 29, 2013, 11:31:22 AM
A psychologist had a sushi chef for a patient.

He gave him a raw shark test.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on November 29, 2013, 12:17:31 PM
hear about the sushi bar that only serves lawyers??? It`s named " Sosumi"


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Milwaukee Midget on November 29, 2013, 01:48:16 PM
hear about the sushi bar that only serves lawyers??? It`s named " Sosumi"


I don't know that I'd eat sushi made from bottom feeders.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 29, 2013, 06:56:54 PM
The great-looking girl from the deep south went to the doctor for an examination & checkup.  As he was taking the basic information down he asked if she'd ever had X-rays taken.

She said  "Doc, Ah've been X rayed and Ultraviolated".


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 06, 2013, 08:07:50 AM
I applied for a job as zookeeper in Australia.....Sadly I lacked the koalafications.................


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 06, 2013, 08:09:09 AM
Reminds me of the time I asked a scarecrow  if he liked his job...He said " Hay....It`s in my jeans"............. :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: USFRAMONTE on December 06, 2013, 10:48:46 AM
I had my credit card stolen last week.....I have decided not to report it because the thief is charging less than my wife.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on December 06, 2013, 12:12:08 PM
Santa's helpers are . . . subordinate clauses


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on December 06, 2013, 12:12:57 PM
A bike can't stand alone . . . because it's two-tired.


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: Dean Los Angeles on December 06, 2013, 12:13:58 PM
Once you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen the mall


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 06, 2013, 12:21:02 PM
Pace yourself Dean :cheers:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 06, 2013, 12:29:23 PM
How do you lift an elephant with one hand??.......Well, First you find an elephant with one hand............................ :wink:


Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: floydjer on December 13, 2013, 08:13:18 AM
My broom was late for work today...Guess it over swept.......Did I ever mention I only went out with prunes during high school??...I could never find a date......................... :cheers: