Landracing Forum

Humor -- stories, links, etc -- may not be right for kids to read! => THE place for (what you think is) funny stuff. => Topic started by: Stan Back on November 26, 2016, 01:01:07 PM

Title: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Stan Back on November 26, 2016, 01:01:07 PM
I'm either a little bit late or a whole lot early, but  . . .

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard
 the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the
 cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing
 what appeared to be a very nice figure.

 "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would
like it."

 "Oh, come on now," she insisted.

 She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.
                
 I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed.

 After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot
 better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better
 go now."

 "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly
more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is
 she?"

 I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Stainless1 on November 26, 2016, 03:16:08 PM
Sorry Stan.... had to draw a line in the sand  :roll: Friday is Friday
 :cheers:
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on November 26, 2016, 04:21:02 PM
I know the rest of it anyway.  No big deal when it's an old story.   Of course -- what would you expect form Mr. Back?  Teddy bears and runny babbits?
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on November 28, 2016, 08:51:53 AM
Bob and I are in the same...club
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Buickguy3 on January 19, 2017, 01:29:56 PM
   SSS just pointed out that this page existed.
  Doug  :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:

     


                             



The Circus Family

 

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.

 

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

 

The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

 

The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

 

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

 

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

 

"Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

 

The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

 

"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: manta22 on January 19, 2017, 06:36:43 PM
Inevitably....it is hard to find a kid of this caliber..... rimshot, please.

Regards, Neil
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: bbarn on January 20, 2017, 07:54:47 AM
Inevitably....it is hard to find a kid of this caliber..... rimshot, please.

Regards, Neil
http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true (http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true)

Which reminds me of these two brothers.... I wonder how long the drummer waited for this day to come?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Udas5_Q6mmo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Udas5_Q6mmo)
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Stainless1 on July 10, 2017, 05:52:10 PM
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.
"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."
"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"
"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age."
"Fine. Well what other things do you have?"
"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?"



"Pop," goes the weasel.  :cheers:
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on July 10, 2017, 06:01:12 PM
And he was undoubtedly served "Radioactive Mulberry Martian Soda"

(http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0269/2121/products/Radioactive_Soda_Mulberry_large.png?v=1390946094)

(with a monkey chaser)  :mrgreen:

Available at: http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0269/2121/products/Radioactive_Soda_Mulberry_large.png?v=1390946094 (http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0269/2121/products/Radioactive_Soda_Mulberry_large.png?v=1390946094)   :cheers:

Mike
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 18, 2017, 05:37:34 PM
Never let it be said that I don't appreciate a good guitar joke when I see/hear one.
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Stan Back on July 18, 2017, 06:28:08 PM
Got me on that.
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 23, 2017, 11:27:03 AM
"Hey, Stan.  The Inspector says you gotta go to Carquest and get 20 feet of firesleeve if you wanna race the truck."

Anybody else have captions?  I found this truck in the lot of the guy that does excavation and dirt work for us.  I won't say any more.
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Buickguy3 on July 26, 2017, 08:24:10 AM
    Here's an older one, but still good.



I had heard this one many years ago about the French Foreign Legion in Africa.

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
 Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
 camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

 He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

 The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here
 on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we
 have Molly the Camel.

 The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can
 understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

 About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed
 with lust, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
 Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
 pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.

 When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

 'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the
 girls are."

    Doug  :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:

Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Ron Gibson on August 09, 2017, 04:30:52 PM
Stans humor on the other post reminds me.

A father was checking on a room for his family and asked the clerk about the reputation of the motel.
He was assured by the clerk that it was a very upstanding motel.
He then asked about room rates.
The desk clerk said "$8 per hour or $80 a night"

Ron
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on August 10, 2017, 08:59:55 AM
I stayed there Ron !!!  when I asked if the porn channels were disabled ..The clerk said " No..It`s all able bodied porn you sick b*stard"
Title: Re: Stupid joke Friday
Post by: LSR Mike on October 09, 2017, 10:14:23 AM
A man walking along a California beach was in deep prayer...when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish."
The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to."
The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking ;the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific;the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish,one that will honor and glorify me".
After thinking long and hard,he finally said,"Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they're thinking, why they cry,what they mean when they say' nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes the Lord said, "How many lanes you want on that bridge? "
Title: St. Patrick's Day
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on March 18, 2018, 12:42:40 AM
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for
over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".


As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the
possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the
wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how
long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the
left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars
and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long
drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd
almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's
Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!"
shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played
around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
there too!"

Erin go bragh!  :cheers:

Mike
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: LittleLiner on July 09, 2020, 06:30:39 PM
A retired couple from indiana is driving through Nebraska and stops for gas.  The husband gets out and starts to pump the gas.  The wife stretches her legs by walking around the car. 

An older woman drives up to the other pump and starts to pump her own gas.  She notices the Indiana plate and asks if they are from Bloomington. 

"WHAT DID SHE SAY?" the husband asks.  The wife replies "SHE ASKED IF WE WERE FROM BLOOMINGTON."

She tells the woman that, yes they are from Bloomington and that her husband is hard of hearing.  The other woman says she understands and says she was only in Bloomington once, it was many years ago but she wii never forget it. 

"WHAT DID SHE SAY" the husband askes.  "SHE SAID SHE WAS IN BLOOMINGTON ONCE MANY YEARS AGO."

Turning back to the other woman the wife asks "Why do you remember being in Bloomington?"

"Well it is a long story but basically I met a man in a bar, one thing led to another, we went across the street to a motel and spent the night.  It had to be the worst night of my life.  He was a real loser." said the woman.

"WHAT DID SHE SAY" the husband askes. 

"SHE SAID SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS YOU."
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on April 09, 2021, 02:41:43 PM
This thread looks lonely......I called my uncle Wilber and asked how he likes his new power chair lift he had installed on his staircase...He said it drives him up the wall.... :clap
Title: PARAPROSDOKIANS
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on April 22, 2021, 01:38:55 PM
(A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and oftentimes very humorous.)

If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me very attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multitasking: I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Take my advice, I'm not using it.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

Men say women should come with an instruction manual; but since when has any man stopped to read the instructions.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you...

Mike  :cheers:
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 05, 2021, 08:44:12 AM
I tried to organize a hide and seek contest...Good hiders are hard to find....
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on May 05, 2021, 10:31:31 AM
Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek ?...No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 05, 2021, 12:21:10 PM
Worst part of a hospital to play hide and seek???..The I C U...
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 05, 2021, 12:21:55 PM
Airports are bad too...You are always in plane sight...
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on May 05, 2021, 12:27:07 PM
What is a dog?s favorite place to go for hide and seek?...Roof
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 05, 2021, 03:26:36 PM
When I play H&S....I wear leather sneakers...They are made of hide....
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: 4-barrel Mike on May 05, 2021, 03:56:44 PM
My neighbor just got a job at a tannery; I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since.

Mike
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Stainless1 on May 06, 2021, 11:35:57 AM
Headed to the dreaded dentist today.... of course going there is like pulling teeth...  :dhorse:
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 06, 2021, 04:05:43 PM
Bob..My dentist has a sense of humor not unlike my own :evil: He likes to hover over me with a dental tool in hand and ask "Is it safe?" :-o Nothing worse than a DDS. that has seen The Marathon Man...
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on May 06, 2021, 04:42:34 PM
What do you call x-rays taken by a dentist?...Tooth-pics
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Stainless1 on May 06, 2021, 08:33:37 PM
Well Jerry I told him he was getting on my last nerve.... then he did...
good thing he sent me home with a couple of Dammitalls...  :cheers:
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 06, 2021, 09:01:26 PM
Knew you be o.k. Bob....You know the drill...
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on May 06, 2021, 09:11:57 PM
I can?t stop thinking about the root canal work I need doing...It?s deeply unnerving...

Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 09, 2021, 09:34:55 PM
Which reminds me of the Pirate that could not reach his mother via telephone.......She had left it off the hook...
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: mc2032 on May 12, 2021, 02:45:54 PM
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 12, 2021, 03:39:50 PM
Of course he did....No body to clean up after him.
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: mc2032 on May 12, 2021, 05:32:31 PM
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 12, 2021, 07:41:46 PM
Then a horse walked in to the same bar and asked if they were hiring...Bar tender suggests he try the circus...Horse says "The circus needs a bar tender"??
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on May 12, 2021, 09:01:01 PM
Termites, talking horses and don't forget the singing bird: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAXt599fs8I
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Stainless1 on May 12, 2021, 09:32:37 PM
Then a horse walked in to the same bar and asked if they were hiring...Bar tender suggests he try the circus...Horse says "The circus needs a bar tender"??

Bartender says I don't know that they do.... wow, you look really sad.... why the long face  :-P
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on May 13, 2021, 12:25:39 AM
From behind the counter, the bartender says: "we don't serve time travelers here"...
A time traveler walks into a bar :cheers:
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Stan Back on May 13, 2021, 11:45:55 AM
The bird sings better than the righter cann spelle.
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on May 13, 2021, 01:15:46 PM
Stan, I think the 'ritin' style is phonetic redneck!  :-P
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 13, 2021, 03:26:03 PM
Then a horse walked in to the same bar and asked if they were hiring...Bar tender suggests he try the circus...Horse says "The circus needs a bar tender"??

Bartender says I don't know that they do.... wow, you look really sad.... why the long face  :-P
And the horse says..."Because my drinking caused me to lose my home and family.."
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 13, 2021, 09:29:10 PM
Hmm...Brought this fun to a screeching halt :clap.
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 13, 2021, 09:30:50 PM
Horse walks into a bar..Fresh from his Hay-A- meeting..he sat alone drinking..saddled with guilt... :cheers:
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on May 13, 2021, 10:34:05 PM
Was that a neigh-bar-hood bar Jer?  :?
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Stainless1 on May 13, 2021, 10:41:37 PM
Whinny drinks alone he'd rather be by himself.... paraphrasing George T
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 15, 2021, 08:06:10 PM
Wasn't by himself Bob...He brought his bride-al
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: jacksoni on June 03, 2021, 10:42:53 AM
My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don?t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver?s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
?Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on June 23, 2021, 08:09:42 PM
Went to a garage sale and found a t.v. for $1 !!...The volume knob is broken and stuck on LOUD...but for a buck? I could not turn it down...
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on June 24, 2021, 09:42:17 AM
Understanding Engineers #1:
 
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"  The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."  The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice.  The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
 
Understanding Engineers #2:
 
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
 
Understanding Engineers #3:
 
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.   The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"   The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"  The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper, let's have a word with him."  He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?  They're rather slow, aren't they?"  The greens-keeper replied, "Oh yes, that's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"   The group fell silent for a moment.  The priest said, "That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."  The doctor said, "Good idea.  I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."  The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
 
Understanding Engineers #4:
 
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

 
Understanding Engineers #5:
 
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that??
 
Understanding Engineers #6:
 
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
 
Understanding Engineers #7:
 
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."  He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.  The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."  The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.  The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."  Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?  I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.  Why won't you kiss me?"  The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer.  I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
 
And finally:
 
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.  A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.  "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."  The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.  Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.  One engineer shook his head and laughed.  "A lot of good that does us.  We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"  Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on June 24, 2021, 10:53:56 AM
Woody, I don't see much humor there, but thanks for trying.  I mean, that's just real life.

I graduated from Michigan Technological University.  Consider dorm life in an engineering school that's way up north and had a 15 guy - 1 girl* ratio.

*Although many of the girls were of the less-than-trophy-woman persuasion...
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on June 24, 2021, 12:49:23 PM
What do you give an electrical engineer on his birthday??...Shorts.
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on June 25, 2021, 06:04:06 AM
Reminds me of the engineering student who had his calculator battery die during an exam.....Poor guy couldn't count on anything...
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: manta22 on June 25, 2021, 02:27:47 PM
Reminds me of the engineering student who had his calculator battery die during an exam.....Poor guy couldn't count on anything...

In China, low batteries in a calculator are known as "Dim Sum"
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on June 29, 2021, 09:58:58 AM
Somebody was smart and brought the ice squeegy from the rink when he packed for Bville that year. . .
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on June 30, 2021, 08:25:23 PM
Jon.....He is trying to contact a dead relative.....That is a squeegee board....
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on January 08, 2022, 09:49:42 AM
Since today is Saturday.........Why does the devil hate going to the mail box  during the holidays????  All those letters from dyslexic kids....😃
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on February 14, 2022, 02:35:39 PM
I just got this from Marlo Treit:


Begin forwarded message:
>>
>>
>>     Rules from the male side.......
>>
>>                 
>>                 At last, a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
>>                 
>>                 We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
>>
>>
>>                 These are our rules:
>>
>>
>>                 Please note.. they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
>>
>>
>>                 1.   Men are NOT mind readers.
>>
>>                 1.    Learn to work the toilet seat.   You're a big girl.   If it's up, put it down.   We need it up, you need it down.   You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
>>
>>                 1.    Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.
>>
>>                 1.    Crying is blackmail, and witchcraft.
>>                 1.    Ask for what you want.   Let us be clear on this one!  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!   Just say it!
>>
>>                 1.    Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
>>
>>                 1.   Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>>
>>                 1.    Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.
>>
>>                 1.    If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.
>>
>>                 1.    If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>>
>>                 1.   You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.   Not both.   If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
>>
>>                 1.    Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
>>
>>                 1.    Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
>>
>>                 1.    ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.   Pumpkin is also a fruit.
>>
>>                 1.    If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.
>>
>>                 1.    If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
>>
>>
>>                 1.    If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..
>>
>>                 1.   When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!
>>
>>                 1.    Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or golf.
>>
>>                 1.    You have enough clothes.
>>
>>                 1.   You have too many shoes.
>>
>>                 1.    I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!
>>
>>                 1.   Thank you for reading this.   Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that?   It's like camping.
>>                 Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh..
>>                 Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.
>>
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on February 15, 2022, 01:47:44 PM
Stolen from Reader's Digest....This whole spring forward thing would be more fun if we set our clocks ahead at 2p.m. on Monday... :friday
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 07, 2022, 02:48:27 PM
This weasel walks into a bar....Bartender asks what the weasel would like to drink....."Pop" goes the weasel..... 
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on May 08, 2022, 01:55:24 AM
Why couldn?t the lizard get a girlfriend?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 08, 2022, 02:40:06 PM
Guy walks into a bar with a small lizard on his shoulder and says he would like a beer and a coke for "Tiny".... Bartender says " Named him Tiny eh" and the guy replies..."Yes..he is my newt" :cheers:
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Stainless1 on May 08, 2022, 08:29:36 PM
So if your newt is smaller than my newt does that mean that my newt is actually large...

Yes Jerry... I have been drinking tonite....
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: mc2032 on May 08, 2022, 08:34:30 PM
A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.  The bartender asks, " What's up with the frog on your head?".  The frog says, "It started with a lump on my butt".
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on May 08, 2022, 08:59:13 PM
I heard it was a toad and it started with a wart on his a##!  :-P
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 08, 2022, 09:20:41 PM
A Marine drill instructor walks into a bar and orders everyone around....
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 08, 2022, 09:22:29 PM
A corn stalk walks into a bar and the bartender asks if he would like to hear a joke..."I am all ears" exclaims the stalk...
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 11, 2022, 09:35:30 PM
Bad news...They are not making yard sticks any longer....
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Stainless1 on May 11, 2022, 11:04:42 PM
Bad news...They are not making yard sticks any longer....

As a ruler I only need to get my foot in the door anyway
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 12, 2022, 07:47:44 AM
Gingerbread man tells his doctor his foot hurts...Doc. asks if he has tried icing it....
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: salt27 on May 12, 2022, 01:08:26 PM
So, when you lick the icing off of a spoon would that be considered defrosting it?
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on May 16, 2022, 03:06:17 PM
Seems like people do not name sons Lance anymore....🤔 Back in medieval times, They named sons Lance alot.👶
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on June 13, 2022, 06:21:20 PM
I wonder if anyone will ever find the cure for anorexia....Seems like it would be a piece of cake......
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on July 04, 2022, 09:07:59 PM
Slim will be eating pasties for the 4th......He is very pasty-otic.... 1drink
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 05, 2022, 09:39:49 AM
That's stretching it a tad, Jerry.
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on July 15, 2022, 07:01:13 AM
O.K......Correction time. Slim did not sit around eating a pasty because he is pasty-otic. He sat around reciting  idioms........ 1drink
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Stainless1 on November 21, 2022, 09:54:41 AM
Hey Jerry, the Lego store here just reopened... it closed during the pandemic... the local news reported people were lined up for blocks... 
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on November 21, 2022, 05:01:35 PM
Well Robert....Someone left a box Legos on my doorstep.....I do not know what to make of it.....
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: floydjer on February 26, 2023, 02:36:42 PM
Know what I do when someone doesn't like my Lego jokes??....I block them..... :naughty
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Speed Limit 1000 on February 26, 2023, 02:59:37 PM
 What?s the difference between sex and LEGO...
Seeing you have asked the question you should probably stick to LEGO
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 11, 2023, 05:49:20 PM
Sorry the image is kinda dark.
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: WOODY@DDLLC on July 11, 2023, 08:03:39 PM
Missing the penny, Slim!  :evil:
Title: Re: Jokes Saturday thru Thursday
Post by: Seldom Seen Slim on July 11, 2023, 08:10:42 PM
Nah, not really.  Not that many screw-in fuses left these days. :-P