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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 207677 times)
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floydjer
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« Reply #90 on: July 24, 2009, 07:55:34 AM »

Guy goes to the barber shop and brings his 5 yr. old daughter with him. The girl sits on the floor next to the chair ,eating a snack cake. Barber says " You`re going to get hair on your Twinkie" Girls says ..." Yeah, And boobies too"!
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #91 on: August 11, 2009, 07:15:04 PM »

New for the avid campers and BarBQ-ers, perfect for your stay at the bend in the road:



Mike

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« Reply #92 on: August 12, 2009, 04:19:05 PM »

 grin grin grin grin  Now that I goota have!!!!!!!!!    Thanks,     Crow.
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floydjer
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« Reply #93 on: August 17, 2009, 11:05:15 AM »

Know the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment. Swine flu requires oinkment. ( should`ve saved that one for Friday) cheers
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« Reply #94 on: August 17, 2009, 04:56:48 PM »

I was in a pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I just timed my farts along with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint of beer, looked around the pub and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then, suddenly, I remembered that I was listening to my iPod.  cheers
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« Reply #95 on: August 18, 2009, 01:34:57 AM »

GENE TRACY?Huh?......." I`ve been busier than a pair of jumper cables at a (fill in the blank)` funeral" cheers

Busy? busier than a foster kid on fathers day!
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« Reply #96 on: August 18, 2009, 10:29:24 AM »

A man in Denver answered an ad in the paper for a gynocoligist's assistant.  When he went to the Doctprs office for the interview the Dr. told him the job paid $500.00 a month.  The man asked the Dr. what his duties would be.   The Dr. explained,,," First you will help the women remove all their clothes,  then you will wash their private parts , apply shavein cream to them,  shave them and then rub oil on the parts to sooth the razor burn.  When this is all done you send them into me for their exam.  But in order to get this job you have to go to Billings, Montanna.  The man asked, "Billings is 550 miles away from Denver, what will I be doing there?   The Doctor said, " Thats where the end of the line is to interview for the job.          Crow.
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DallasV
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« Reply #97 on: August 18, 2009, 10:46:52 AM »

25 things you may find interesting things when you have children.

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Childs voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan..

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old child can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old child.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably do NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.


25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
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« Reply #98 on: August 18, 2009, 08:47:10 PM »

GENE TRACY?Huh?......." I`ve been busier than a pair of jumper cables at a (fill in the blank)` funeral" cheers

Busy? busier than a foster kid on fathers day!

Spread thinner than a quart of cheap paint.
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« Reply #99 on: August 18, 2009, 10:01:36 PM »

CROW.... Now that joke is really funny..... I read it 10min ago and I am still laughing..... GOOD ONE!!!!!!!           mike R.
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« Reply #100 on: August 19, 2009, 09:42:14 AM »

 grin Just trying to keep the smiles coming!     Crow.    {I got a million of 'em.)          Crow.
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floydjer
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« Reply #101 on: August 28, 2009, 09:51:00 AM »

Nancy decided to buy Jon a new pet. She spots a parrot with the most remarkable plumage this side of Liberace and inquires as to price. Pet store owner tells her she should make another choice ,as the bird was raised in a brothel and has a habit of being some what "colorful" .Nancy, Thinking this will be funnier than a rubber crutch in a polio ward, Buys the bird. All the way home the bird squawks "New madam, New madam" She takes him in the house and he yells " New house, New madam"  Two ladies from church stop by and he yells, " New house, new madam, new girls" Jon  comes home from a hard day of what ever it is that he does, and the bird says..." Hey Slim...Long time, No see" cheers
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #102 on: August 31, 2009, 01:50:57 PM »

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women  shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
 


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever & evil.

Don't mess with them.    cheers
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #103 on: September 03, 2009, 02:29:38 PM »

A college Creative Writing class was told that they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The instructions were that the story had to contain the following three themes:
1.  Religion
2.  Sexuality
3.  Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class:

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."
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Stainless1
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« Reply #104 on: September 14, 2009, 07:41:10 AM »

Somehow I got separated from my grandson at a large shopping mall.
So he approached a uniformed policeman and said,
 "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he like?"

Trey hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Black Russians made with good Vodka and women with big tits."

I love that kid...
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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
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