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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 198339 times)
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Seldom Seen Slim
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« Reply #75 on: July 05, 2009, 03:27:28 PM »


NELSON MANDELA


Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a  clip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man  starts to yell louder,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck ofbrake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the littleChinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hehears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong  name! Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
-
-
-
-   
-
-
-
-   
-
-
   'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

 
 
 

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« Reply #76 on: July 06, 2009, 10:35:43 PM »

A chicken and a horse were out playing together one day when the horse got stuck in a large mud bog.  The horse yelled to the chicken to do something to save his life.  The chicken ran back to the farm but the farmer had driven the only tractor to town.  Then the chicken saw the farmers new shiney Harley in the barn.  The chicken tied a rope to the back of the bike and rode it to the field where the horse was slowely sinking in the bog.  The chicken threw the rope to the horse and told him to hang on.  The horse grabbed the rope and the chicken slowely pulled the horse out of the bog with the Harley.  Because the chicken had saved the horse they became the best of friends.  The chicken rode the Harley back to the barn and parked it and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned from town.    About a week later the horse and chicken were again out playing and the chicken fell into another bog.   He yelled to his friend the horse to save him.   The horse straddled the bog and told the chicken to grab his hangey downy thingy.  The chicken got a good hold on the horses kanutin valve ( hangey down thingy) and the horse pulled the chicken out of the bog.  Again they were the best of friends for life.     The moral to this story is.......You don't have to be hung like a horse to pick up chicks, if you have a Harley..................Crow
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« Reply #77 on: July 08, 2009, 09:38:56 AM »

It was holoween nite and a little kid was in his costume standing on a street corner.  A little old lady saw him and said, "Oh hon, your so cute in your costume, what are you supposed to be?"  The little boy looked up at her and said, "lady, I'm a pirate!"  The little old lady said, " Well, if your a pirate, where are your buccaneers?  The little boy replied, "Under my buckin hat lady, where do you think they are!" shocked
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« Reply #78 on: July 08, 2009, 01:31:31 PM »

Guy goes to the optomitrist for an eye exam. Doc. says " You need to quit masturbating all the time" Guy says "That`s not an old wives tale, It really does effect vision"?? Dr. says............." Your eyes are fine, but it upsets the old women in the waiting room"  cheers
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« Reply #79 on: July 08, 2009, 03:24:03 PM »

................man sitting in Doctor's surgery, Doc says, " I know you won't like what I'm going to say but you are going to have to stop masturbating"...the man says ...." but why?"..........



doc says..." so I can examine you"..... cheers
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« Reply #80 on: July 08, 2009, 05:09:41 PM »

Well, while we're on THIS subject . . .

Attributed to the great Gene Tracy -

A father goes into his son's bedroom and catches him in the act of pleasuring himself.

The father says, "Son, you've got to stop doing that or you'll go blind".

The kid says, "Can I just keep going until I need glasses?"
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"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

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« Reply #81 on: July 09, 2009, 10:14:37 AM »

 shocked For some reason I had a "hard" time reading that last post!    Crow
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« Reply #82 on: July 09, 2009, 01:36:41 PM »

GENE TRACY?Huh?......." I`ve been busier than a pair of jumper cables at a (fill in the blank)` funeral" cheers
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« Reply #83 on: July 09, 2009, 07:36:34 PM »

shocked For some reason I had a "hard" time reading that last post!    Crow

Well, I had a detached retina myself a few years back -

Makes it tough to see to shave your palms . . .
« Last Edit: July 10, 2009, 02:52:58 PM by Milwaukee Midget » Logged

"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!
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« Reply #84 on: July 10, 2009, 11:46:54 AM »

If you don`t believe that the dog is man`s best friend, try this test.....Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car and drive around for an hour. Open the trunk and see which one is happy to see you evil
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« Reply #85 on: July 14, 2009, 09:12:46 AM »

Received a bill from from a supplier and they offer a  15% discount for prompt payment. Not being good at math, I asked my office girl "Sarah" for help. "If I gave you $ 25,000, minus 15%, How much would you take off'? I asked. "Everything,but my earrings" She replied  cheers
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« Reply #86 on: July 14, 2009, 02:47:45 PM »

This just in, from my sister:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .




(scroll down)

 




'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

 

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Jon E. Wennerberg
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« Reply #87 on: July 16, 2009, 05:10:15 PM »

I found out why Smokey the Bear and missus Smoley never had any little Smokies!   Every time she would get hot,,,he'd throw a shovle full of dirt on her!   Dumb bear!     Crow
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« Reply #88 on: July 21, 2009, 09:33:16 AM »

Kid walks up to his grandfather and says" Make a noise like a frog"  Grandpa says "For what"? Kid says..........." Because mom told dad as soon as you croak we`ll clean out your bank account and go to Disneyland"  ( no doubt a little truth to that one) cheers
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« Reply #89 on: July 22, 2009, 12:12:23 PM »

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Rooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged.
 
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my azz.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes Baker
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