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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 198435 times)
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #15 on: March 31, 2009, 01:43:02 PM »

An obscenely rich Saudi prince became enamored with Land Speed Racing and decided to get himself a couple of hats, so he hired one of the best 200mph car builders, one of the best 200mph bike builders, and, because just going fast would not be enough, he hired a well-know LSR internet guy.

Because of the Prince’s love of country, he decided to set up his shop at home.  So when the builders had all the parts and tools collected, he sent his personal 747 for the three Americans.

As the 747 was beginning to descend toward final approach, the aircraft had a series of major failures.  Although the pilot was able to crash land in the desert, the three Americans were the only survivors.

Because the three were experienced in desert-like climates, they were able to intelligently prepare for their trek to civilization.

On the third day, the car builder, who was leading, tripped on something and fell on his face.  Getting up, he looked to see what he had tripped and saw a piece of brass sticking out of the sand.  Picking it up, he found that he held a brass lantern.

Being a well-educated man, the car builder knew what to do, so he pulled out his shirt tail and began polishing the lantern.

Whoooosh!  Out popped a genie, who looked at the three of them and said, “Normally I grant three wishes to the person who frees me from the lantern, but since there are three of you, I’ll grant each of you one wish.”  Looking at the car builder, he asked, “What is your wish?”

“I wish I was in a fast red convertible, driving down the Pacific Coast Highway at sunset.”  And, poof, he was gone.

The genie then looked at the bike builder, “What is your wish?"

“I wish I was back in my shop working on my latest and fastest bike.”  And, poof, he was gone.

The genie then turned to the LSR internet guy.  “What is your wish?’

With tears in his eyes, the internet guy said, “Gosh, I’m lonely.  I wish they were back.”

---

Note: the preceding is fiction.  Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is just a co-inky-dink.

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Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!
floydjer
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« Reply #16 on: April 01, 2009, 09:46:02 AM »

Two 10 yr. old boys are walking in a suburban Chicago park when a huge rottweiler jumps on one of them and clamps onto his neck. The other boy quickley finds  a fallen branch and beats the dog to death. As luck would have it, a reporter from WGN news witnessed the whole scene. He walks over and says, "That was the bravest act I`ve ever seen....I`m going to do a news report about you. How`s this sound .........."Brave  Bears fan saves friends life" The kids says "Sounds good, But I don`t like the Bears" Reporter thinks a moment as replies " How`s this? Valient Vikings fan prevents certain death of pal.  Kid  ponders for a minute and says...".But, I`m a Packers fan"   That night the lead story @ 6 p.m. was " "Cherished family pet savagely bludgeoned by b@#$%^d cheese-head"  cheers J.B.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2009, 08:15:07 AM by floydjer » Logged

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« Reply #17 on: April 01, 2009, 09:54:19 PM »

My five year old is learning to read.
Yesterday, while reading a picture book about animals, she suddenly exclaimed, "Oh, look - a frickin' elephant!"
After taking a deep breath, I asked her, "Are you sure that's the way it pronounced?"
"Sure", she said, "it's a frickin' elephant - see?" she answered while handing me the book and pointing to the picture on the page.
And so it was, the caption underneath the picture read "African Elephant".
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Dean Los Angeles
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« Reply #18 on: April 01, 2009, 10:55:29 PM »

The lawyer is walking home after work, late as usual for dinner.

Determined not to get yelled at again, he takes a short cut through the cemetery.

In the dark, he doesn't see the freshly dug grave and falls in.

The grave is deep enough he can't climb out. He starts shouting for help. "Help! Help! I'm freezing and can't get out of here!"

The local drunk hears the shouting and wanders over.

The drunk looks down and says, "It's no wonder you're cold. You threw all your dirt off."
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Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
McRat
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« Reply #19 on: April 01, 2009, 11:37:51 PM »

Due to complaints by PETA, the State of California is banning the use of lab rats for testing purposes.   In the interim, they are going to use lawyers instead for the following reasons:

1)  They are more plentiful.
2)  The lab assistants won't get attached to them.
3)  They will do things not even a rat will do.
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Dean Los Angeles
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« Reply #20 on: April 02, 2009, 12:27:52 AM »

When the composer Beethoven passed away, he was buried with great ceremony in the churchyard.

A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable, odd music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

The magistrate listened. He could not figure out the strange noises. "It may be haunted! We had better get Beethoven's music arranger!"

When the music arranger arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Very strange, it's being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the music arranger; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about!"

"It's just Beethoven . . . decomposing."
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Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
Dean Los Angeles
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« Reply #21 on: April 02, 2009, 06:54:47 PM »

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!  Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any cyanide!".

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.”
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Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
floydjer
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« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2009, 08:41:13 AM »

This bass player has to go to the welfare office to pick up his food stamps. Afterwards, he stops by his baby-momma house and sure enough........There she is having a roll in the hay with a drummer. He pulls out a gun and sticks it to his temple shouting "I`m going to kill myself" The girl jumps up as says " No, don`t do it Tyrone"!!! He replies " Shut up B@#ch...You`re next"!!!  cheers
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Stainless1
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« Reply #23 on: April 12, 2009, 11:53:01 AM »

Tough act to follow, but hey, I'll give it a whirl...

Bedroom golf... Here are the rules of the game.

1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the course.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners may reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning the bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

 

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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
floydjer
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« Reply #24 on: April 14, 2009, 08:37:58 AM »

Mothers have" Mother`s Day "  Fathers have" Father`s Day"  what holiday is for single guys??--"Palm Sunday" evil
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« Reply #25 on: April 29, 2009, 07:38:06 AM »

Coach of a high school girls cross-country team decides the ladies need to eat steroids to improve their performance.  After two weeks of daily intake, One of the team enters his office and says, "Coach....I`m starting to grow hair on my chest" Coach says," Really?....How far down does it go"?  She says,  "All the way to my nuts" evil
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manta22
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« Reply #26 on: April 29, 2009, 11:45:23 AM »

Q: What is the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of African pygmies?

A: The African pygmies are a cunning bunch of runts.

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ
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Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ
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« Reply #27 on: April 30, 2009, 08:18:27 PM »

You know, this getting old has its good, annd bad sides.  In the morning I have to jam my thumb up my a.. and yell snakes just to take a Plymouth!   And now I know I'm getting old,,,,cause I'm starting to like it!!!!!!!    Crow
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« Reply #28 on: April 30, 2009, 09:02:56 PM »

An old favorite:

...fellow dies and gets up to the pearly gates... and there are TWO doors in the ivory wall.  In front of one door is a line of bored looking men, standing idly in a line that reaches to the horizon.  In front of the other door is a nervous, figidity looking fellow.

Over each door, he sees a sign; above the first door the sign reads, "This door for all men who were dominated by women during their lives." 

Over the second door reads a sign, "This door for all men who were NOT dominated by women during their lives."

He asks of the nervous man, standing alone in front of the second door, "Buddy, why are all those men lined up at the first door, and you're the only one standing here?"

"I don't know," the guy answers, "my wife told me to stand right here!"

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floydjer
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« Reply #29 on: May 19, 2009, 09:29:40 AM »

Two cannibals are sitting in the jungle, eating a boiled circus clown when one says to the other...." Does this taste funny to you ?" cheers
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I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
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