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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 207339 times)
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tallguy
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« Reply #735 on: December 09, 2014, 04:40:51 AM »

I traded my wife for a six-pack of beer.

I wish I had her back . . .




. . . I'm THIRSTY AGAIN!!!!
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floydjer
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"There is no duck side of the moon..."




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« Reply #736 on: December 16, 2014, 08:18:01 AM »

One day at the retirement home a resident named Gladys burst into the dining room and raised a clenched fist while shouting" If you can tell me what`s in my hand...I`ll give you the best sex ever...All night long " !!  An old geezer in the back row shouted " An elephant"?  Gladys thought for a moment and replied " Close enough " cheers
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tauruck
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« Reply #737 on: December 18, 2014, 07:00:30 PM »

It's Friday here in Africa so here's my contribution. cheers

This one is for my mate Jerry.



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floydjer
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« Reply #738 on: December 23, 2014, 12:38:48 PM »

An associate of mine went to his favorite brew-pub last evening.  A rather large woman aproached and said " Say, You`re cute...How about giving me your number" ?  he replied " Sure, You have a pen"?  When she said that she did he said " Better get back in it before the farmer sees that you`re gone"   His dental surgery is next monday.
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Speed Limit 1000
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« Reply #739 on: December 23, 2014, 05:07:13 PM »



 Dead Horse
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John Gowetski, red hat @ 221.183 MPH MSA Lakester, Bockscar #1000 60 ci normally aspirated w/N20
floydjer
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« Reply #740 on: January 06, 2015, 09:40:00 AM »

3 moles are crawling down a tunnel...The first mole says " I smell pancakes"  the second mole says the same thing..The third says " All I smell is molasses.............................."
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tallguy
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« Reply #741 on: January 07, 2015, 07:14:26 PM »

Riddle . . .

Q:  What do you call a U.S. Marine who thinks he's perfect?

A:  An arrogrunt.
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floydjer
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« Reply #742 on: January 19, 2015, 08:27:27 AM »

Went down to the Fla. Keys for the weekend...saw a car with a bumper sticker that read " I Miss Chicago'..So I smashed all the windows,stole the radio , flattened all 4 tires and  stuck an Obama sticker on the trunk lid.  Hope he feels at home now.
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I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
jdincau
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« Reply #743 on: January 21, 2015, 06:28:03 PM »

John Kelly, 75 years of age, was stopped by police around 2 am
and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

John replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
 
The officer asked, “Oh, really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”
 
John replied, “That would be my wife.”
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Unless it's crazy, ambitious and delusional, it's not worth our time!
Podunk
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« Reply #744 on: January 22, 2015, 08:19:54 PM »

Stella and Belle,two mature southern ladies, were having tea one day.Stella says "My husband bought me a big diamond ring for our anniversary". Belle responds with her best southernese "That's nice." Stella then tells Belle that her husband bought her a new Cadillac for her birthday. Belle answers " That's nice." Stella then asks " What has your husband bought you lately?" Belle proudly says " My husband sent me to the finest charm school in Atlanta." Stella asks "WHAT could you possibly learn in charm school?"
Bella gently answers " They taught me to say That's Nice instead of F**k You.
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Podunk
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« Reply #745 on: January 22, 2015, 08:33:53 PM »

Young Joe calls off sick one day. The boss asks what's wrong? Joe says he didn't sleep well, he has a headache and his stomach is upset. The boss tells Joe he really needs him to get an order out. He tells Joe that when he feels like that he has a light breakfast, takes a hot shower and makes love to his wife. Makes him feel much better and he can make it thru the day.
About 2 hours later Joe comes in and tells his boss "I did like you said Boss. I feel much better. By the way Boss you got a real nice house."
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tauruck
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« Reply #746 on: January 23, 2015, 08:31:54 PM »

Good jokes guys. grin grin grin grin
Thanks.
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jimmy six
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« Reply #747 on: January 24, 2015, 01:10:12 AM »

Slightly off color but not offensive and for most of us old guys on the site:


A farmer stopped by his local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
 
On the way home he stopped at the hardware shop and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed shop and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.  However, struggling outside the shop he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
 
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.  She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 14 gardenia close?'
 
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
 
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
 
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
 
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
 
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
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floydjer
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« Reply #748 on: January 26, 2015, 09:50:15 AM »

I went for a stoll along the shore of Lake Michigan yesterday around noon to admire the ice. Just off shore I spotted a bomb laden terrorist bobbing in the 33 degree water struggling to climb aboard and ice flow. Not wanting the poor fellow to drown, I notified the police and Coast Guard.It is now 9;49 a.m. and they have yet to respond and I see that he has drowned. I`m starting to think I may have wasted 2 postage stamps.
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #749 on: January 26, 2015, 10:45:29 PM »

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.  Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd
almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

 cheers

Mike
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Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!
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