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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 207723 times)
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Dean Los Angeles
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« Reply #495 on: March 25, 2013, 10:57:18 AM »

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
Stainless1
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Robert W. P. "Stainless" Steele Wichita, Kansas



« Reply #496 on: April 11, 2013, 10:17:01 PM »

Thought this interesting tidbit should be shared

Jorge Mario Bergoglio was not the Cardinals' first choice to be the new pope, and to become Pope Francis. Their first choice was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.
 
Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting bombers until his aircraft was shot down in 1943  and he lost his left arm.  Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
 
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in.  Archbishop  Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye.  The high silver content in the mine's  air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
 
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the Papacy.  They felt that the Church would never accept.............................
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
.A one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

This was just too long for Jerry's thread
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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
Seldom Seen Slim
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« Reply #497 on: April 12, 2013, 07:43:48 AM »

Not bad!!  Did you come up with that one all by yourself, Stainless?  If so I'll award you at least two gold stars on your report card for this semester.
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Jon E. Wennerberg
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Stainless1
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Robert W. P. "Stainless" Steele Wichita, Kansas



« Reply #498 on: April 12, 2013, 08:35:13 AM »

Not that sharp witted... but I'm half way there...  rolleyes
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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
Dean Los Angeles
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« Reply #499 on: April 12, 2013, 09:12:38 AM »

Mary was in the store when she received a phone call that her daughter had been in an accident and was in the hospital.
No broken bones, but Mary left the store in a hurry to get to the hospital.

Outside, Mary got back to the car only to discover that the keys were locked inside.

She found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. Never having tried to break into a car,
Mary said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and said, "Please God, send me help."

Just then a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded old man who was wearing an old biker skull rag got off and asked if he could help.

Mary said, "My daughter has been in an accident and I have to get to the hospital! My keys are locked in the car!"

He walked over to the car an in less than a minute the car was open.
Mary hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh thank you God, you sent me a professional!"
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Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
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« Reply #500 on: April 12, 2013, 11:03:54 PM »

Quote
A one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

I am forwarding this bit of genius to every Catholic I know....
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« Reply #501 on: April 13, 2013, 02:34:40 AM »

Great one Stainless. cheers
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« Reply #502 on: April 13, 2013, 07:56:50 PM »

Stainless forgot the other unsuccessful candidate.

Father Sikola had been a priest for years, but just couldn't get a promotion.
He finally asked his Bishop what the problem was.
The Bishop said, "You have done a stellar job, but there is only one thing wrong. Just consider- if you were to move up to Monsigneur, then possibly Bishop, you could then become a Cardinal. If, God willing, you were elected the Holy Father, how would it sound if millions of Catholics were led by Pope Sikola?"
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Seldom Seen Slim
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« Reply #503 on: April 13, 2013, 08:31:47 PM »

I've lived in the UP of Michigan for way too many years.  I had to read that one three or four times to figure out the joke.

(For those of you that aren't steeped in Finnish culture, there are more Finns up here than anyplace except in Finland.  And in the Finn language ALL - no exceptions - AA words are accented most strongly on the first syllable.  Ergo: What's Pope SIKK o la?). huh
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Jon E. Wennerberg
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« Reply #504 on: April 13, 2013, 08:42:06 PM »

Pepsi Cola?
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« Reply #505 on: April 13, 2013, 08:47:48 PM »

Ya'll sure are quick... grin
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« Reply #506 on: April 16, 2013, 08:10:56 AM »

News from Grand Rapids...............A 39 year old man was found dead in the Grand River last night. He was wearing fishnet stockings, stilletto spike boots,a leather mini shirt,blonde wig ,a Detroit Lions jersey and day-glow orange lipstick.  To save his family from any humiliation...The police removed the jersey before having them view the body. cheers
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« Reply #507 on: April 16, 2013, 03:05:28 PM »

Husband decides to take his lakester and spend a week, where else... Speedweek!

Lonely wife, being the romantic sort, sends her husband a text:
 
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. 
 
I love you!
 
The husband, typically non - romantic lakester type, replies, "I am in the porta pottie.  Please advise."


 
 
 
 
 
 

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« Reply #508 on: April 17, 2013, 09:20:18 AM »

Three highley educated professional types are given a task...........determine the  area of air displaced by a red rubber ball.  The physicist places the ball in a graduated beaker half filled with water, notes the level of rise in the liquid and calculates the displacement.  The scientist measures the ball`s diameter and uses basic calculations to achieve the same number.  The engineer rolls the ball in his hands for a few moments....locates the part number and then accuses the manufacturing department of hiding his "Red rubber ball displacement chart" in an attempt to make him look bad. cheers( much funnier if it weren`t so true)
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« Reply #509 on: April 17, 2013, 10:07:38 AM »

SCTA wanted to know how tall the flag pole was at the start line.

So they asked two roadster guys to find out. After trying to push a tape measure to the top, climbing on each other shoulders and other failed attempts,

A streamliner guy walks buy and says, "Lay it down on the ground and measure it."

The two roadster guys look at each other and one says, "Idiot, they wanted height, not length!"
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Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
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