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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 207214 times)
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Dean Los Angeles
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« Reply #450 on: March 02, 2012, 06:23:48 PM »

This is the 50th anniversary of Wilt Chamberlains incredible 100 point game.

Wilt was reported to have slept with 13,000 women.

Wilt ran into Ronald Reagan in the bathroom at a fund raiser years ago.
Ronnie couldn't help but comment on the size.
"Wow is that big! Has it always been that size?"
Wilt said, "it's always been big, but I bang it on the bedpost to make it bigger."

A few days later back in the White House he remembered the conversation.
He started banging it on the bedpost.

Nancy shot up from the bed.
"Wilt is that you?"
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« Reply #451 on: March 02, 2012, 07:47:59 PM »

hmmm, I heard was 20000 women. thats a new on every day for 54 years. Even at 13000 is 36 years or something. Is a little like most of the car/engine forums- everybody is an engine builder and has a 10 sec car. ( or >200mph etc to put in LSR perspective) Even the same one every day for 54 years is a bit of a feat! cheers cheers cheers

Wasn't the one about the farmer with the bull who inseminated 200 cows a year, wife said hey, he said not same cow joke on here already?  ooooppppppss?  more  cheers
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« Reply #452 on: March 02, 2012, 08:42:00 PM »

This is the 50th anniversary of Wilt Chamberlains incredible 100 point game.

Wilt was reported to have slept with 13,000 women.

Wilt ran into Ronald Reagan in the bathroom at a fund raiser years ago.
Ronnie couldn't help but comment on the size.
"Wow is that big! Has it always been that size?"
Wilt said, "it's always been big, but I bang it on the bedpost to make it bigger."

A few days later back in the White House he remembered the conversation.
He started banging it on the bedpost.

Nancy shot up from the bed.
"Wilt is that you?"

Couldn't let this pass.

1./ Wilt is a funny name for a guy with a reputation like that.

2./This joke was hard to go along with because Ronnie didn't regularly remember his own name let alone  a conversation a few days later
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« Reply #453 on: March 03, 2012, 08:32:46 AM »

Doc G, ...And "Magic Johnson" wasn`t a bit of a misnomer Huh?? evil
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« Reply #454 on: March 03, 2012, 09:20:48 AM »

Beds do not have posts anymore.  It is a shame.  Lots of relationships were tied up and consumated on those old wonders.
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Seldom Seen Slim
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« Reply #455 on: March 17, 2012, 08:18:46 AM »

This is from my sister in Berg, Switzerland:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it...

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an axxhole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'axxhole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an axxhole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'axxhole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an axxhole!' And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first axxhole (I had
his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW axxhole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax.
It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an axxhole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two axxholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called axxhole #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, 'You're an axxhole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Axxhole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow
ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, axxhole,' and hung up.

Then I called Axxhole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, axxhole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your axx'

I answered, 'Well, axxhole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on
my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two axxholes beating the crap out of
each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and
surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.
 
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Jon E. Wennerberg
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« Reply #456 on: March 17, 2012, 10:25:02 AM »

Wow Jon ....That is a good one!
I felt obligated to read it to my wife, she said it was both funny and TWISTED   evil

 cheers
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« Reply #457 on: March 17, 2012, 10:50:37 AM »

An, to follow that one, here's a video clip from lee (said sister in Switz):

http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/138148/detail/
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Jon E. Wennerberg
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Dean Los Angeles
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« Reply #458 on: March 21, 2012, 08:08:24 PM »

'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back..

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
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Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
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« Reply #459 on: March 22, 2012, 08:23:02 AM »

No, no, no -- fine with the silly jokes, but too much with political/racial slurs.  Sorry, but let's not have them.
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Jon E. Wennerberg
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #460 on: March 22, 2012, 09:12:44 AM »

No, no, no -- fine with the silly jokes, but too much with political/racial slurs.  Sorry, but let's not have them.

#450 & #452 aren't Huh
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« Reply #461 on: March 22, 2012, 09:47:11 AM »

Mike, you've got a valid point - and one well worth considering.  But then - this being a race website I don't want to belabor any point too much.

The 450 & 452 posts do, indeed, involve political figures - but of the past vs. today's active political world.  I'll guess that I would use that difference to explain why I didn't object to the posts.  It was bad enough back in the Reagan days, but things sure seem far more vitriolic now that in the 70s -- at least when it comes to politicians (albeit way more "humor genres", too).  Maybe I could justify my action is defining the no political jokes attitude to be no jokes referring to current officeholders and those who aspire to be elected.

But then - maybe that's too fine a line to draw.  I don't want to be too picky and make any of the Forum members think I'm showing off how fast I can use my delete button ( as has happened in the past, even on subjects that did relate to racing).

So - I guess I'll try to be more open-minded about what qualifies to be in the joke & humor threads, and hope that all of us will be.  Let's not get a big discussion going here, okay?  If you feel the need for more talk about this -- send me a PM or an email.  Thanks.
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Jon E. Wennerberg
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« Reply #462 on: March 22, 2012, 03:38:07 PM »

It was my joke, in poor taste and a good call for removal, so no harm/foul.

So with that in mind..this should be better.



A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No Subaru, what law firm do you work for?"
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« Reply #463 on: March 30, 2012, 12:28:50 PM »

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"  angry
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« Reply #464 on: April 02, 2012, 09:22:39 AM »

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

"I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

"Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

"After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No..........I'm a rabbit in Arizona"   evil
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