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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 198224 times)
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floydjer
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« Reply #435 on: January 28, 2012, 03:46:19 PM »

Salt Rat ,   www.instantrimshot.com
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I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
Milwaukee Midget
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« Reply #436 on: January 28, 2012, 07:27:10 PM »

Jerry, we should get together for a quiet evening of Bible study.  I was always fascinated by the automotive references in the Good Book.

The earliest one proved that God was a Mopar guy, when he drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in his Fury.

His Son's minions clearly preferred Hondas, although having ridden in one, I have no idea how a zealot, a tax collector, four fishermen (two of whom were fishing on the wrong side of the boat) and six other menchs ever met in an Accord. 
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"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!
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« Reply #437 on: January 28, 2012, 09:34:26 PM »

Salt Rat ,   www.instantrimshot.com

thank you, not the same without . . . .
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SaltRat
When (if?) this baby hits 88mph, you'll see some serious poo.
floydjer
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« Reply #438 on: January 31, 2012, 09:22:15 AM »

Chris, As further proof....From the book of Revelations; " The Lord shall return upon a White Charger.."  Definately Mopar people ...... cheers
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Seldom Seen Slim
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« Reply #439 on: February 06, 2012, 12:18:52 PM »

While not strictly a joke - I'll post it here anyway.  I forget if we've had this particular story on the Forum before -- but for sure we'll so be it now.

"A Treatise on the Importance of Smoke

(by ?Joseph Lucas)

All electrical components and wiring harnesses depend on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of charged ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke." Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. Don't be fooled by scientists and engineers talking about excited electrons and the like. Smoke is the key to all things electrical.

We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working.  This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.  For example, if one places a large copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions.  The logic is elementary and inescapable! The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring harness springs a leak and lets all the smoke  out of the system, nothing works right afterward.

Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they regularly released large quantities of smoke from the electrical system.  It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts.  Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks, and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defence secrets.  Therefore, it  follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

Sometimes you may miss the component releasing the smoke that makes your electrical system function correctly, but if you sniff around you can often find the faulty component by the undeniable and telltale smoke smell. Sometimes this is a better indicator than standard electrical tests performed with a volt-ohm meter.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a clear and logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components and why they fail.

"A gentleman does not motor about after dark." -

(Joseph Lucas, 1842 - 1903)

I learned a long time ago that once you let the "Factory Smoke" out of any electrical device, it is next to impossible to replenish..."

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Jon E. Wennerberg
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Peter Jack
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« Reply #440 on: February 06, 2012, 12:29:09 PM »

Jon, here's how you fix the problem.  grin grin grin

http://www3.telus.net/bc_triumph_registry/smoke.htm

Pete
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Glen
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« Reply #441 on: February 06, 2012, 01:20:00 PM »

Now we have the answers thanks to Peter Jacks research and cataloging all of this pertinent engineering babble speak. It sounds like a democratic attorney wanting to change a law or running for re-election.
 cheers
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Glen
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Seldom Seen Slim
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« Reply #442 on: February 06, 2012, 02:42:49 PM »

And there's also this treatise:

"> A Treatise on the Importance of Smoke
>
> (by ?Joseph Lucas)
>
> All electrical components and wiring harnesses depend on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of charged ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke." Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. Don't be fooled by scientists and engineers talking about excited electrons and the like. Smoke is the key to all things electrical.
>
> We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working.  This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.  For example, if one places a large copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions.  The logic is elementary and inescapable! The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring harness springs a leak and lets all the smoke  out of the system, nothing works right afterward.
>
> Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they regularly released large quantities of smoke from the electrical system.  It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts.  Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks, and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defence secrets.  Therefore, it  follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.
>
> Sometimes you may miss the component releasing the smoke that makes your electrical system function correctly, but if you sniff around you can often find the faulty component by the undeniable and telltale smoke smell. Sometimes this is a better indicator than standard electrical tests performed with a volt-ohm meter.
>
> In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a clear and logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components and why they fail.
>
> "A gentleman does not motor about after dark." -
>
> (Joseph Lucas, 1842 - 1903)
>
> I learned a long time ago that once you let the "Factory Smoke" out of any electrical device, it is next to impossible to replenish........"
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Jon E. Wennerberg
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« Reply #443 on: February 06, 2012, 02:44:18 PM »

Thanks Glen. Now I won't bother to read it. I just knew about the pictures and Googled to find them. That was the first site I came across.  cool cool cool evil

Pete
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Seldom Seen Slim
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« Reply #444 on: February 07, 2012, 10:36:23 AM »

This is for those of you that wonder why Nancy and I stay up here in the Great White North.

It's winter in Upper Michigan
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Michigan
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
You may think I'm a fool.
I could never leave the UP
Cause I'm frozen to the stool.



* mime-attachment1.gif (95.22 KB, 400x400 - viewed 213 times.)
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Jon E. Wennerberg
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Seldom Seen Slim
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« Reply #445 on: February 10, 2012, 08:28:07 PM »

Submitted to me by a typing-challenged person:


Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
 "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lordy- it's 2012 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"
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Jon E. Wennerberg
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #446 on: February 29, 2012, 11:43:24 AM »

From Pete Richardson:

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.  I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.  So what do you think about that, Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.  "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.  One day he was setting off to go hunting.  In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.  As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.  He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.  Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.  Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 cheers

Mike
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Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!
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« Reply #447 on: February 29, 2012, 01:50:53 PM »

Mike, That is awesome! I love it!
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« Reply #448 on: February 29, 2012, 09:58:37 PM »

 cheers  Slim,,,,I'm still laughin' at Ole, a half hour later!  Ya got me vit dat vun!
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« Reply #449 on: February 29, 2012, 10:36:40 PM »

umm umm opps, I guess the doctor fudged pausing my printer.
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As Carroll Smith wrote; All Failures are Human in Origin.
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