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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 198304 times)
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Ron Gibson
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« Reply #420 on: October 29, 2011, 09:35:28 AM »

  A young couple were going to a costume party for the evening. She went upstairs to get ready. When she came down, she was stark naked except for a pair of riding boots.
  Her husband said what in blazes do you think you are doing?
  She said I'm going as Lady Godiva. You better go get ready.
  He went upstairs far a couple of minutes and when he came down, he was completely naked except for a feather in his hair.
  His wife said what do you think you're doing?
  He said if you think you can go as Puss N Boots, I can go as Cock Robin.
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Nortonist 592
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« Reply #421 on: October 31, 2011, 11:51:50 PM »

Don't forget the clocks go back next Sat.  This time last year I was at a dyslectic friends house.  When I walked in he was smearing black shoe polish on his penis.  I had to slap him on the back of the head and tell him " No!!!!  You turn your clock back!".
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floydjer
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« Reply #422 on: November 04, 2011, 09:08:02 AM »

This sloth walks in to a police station and says he`s been attacked by turtles. The cop asks if he can give a description and the sloth says .." No....It.....happened....so.....fast...."
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k.h.
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« Reply #423 on: December 22, 2011, 10:38:17 AM »

I just got off the phone with a friend living in Colorado at 9000'.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist
high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is
increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look
through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut
johnneilson
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« Reply #424 on: December 22, 2011, 10:55:20 AM »

When asked if I wanted to move to South Dakota, I replied, "no, thank you it is still and clear".




"Clear up to your Acura, and still snowing"

sorry, I like toying with the idea of letting her in.............
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floydjer
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« Reply #425 on: December 30, 2011, 08:51:39 AM »

Many years ago, A girl came home from the 3rd grade and said to her mother..." We girls were on the playground and Jon Wennerberg walked over and pulled out his "weiner" !!  Mother, Not wanting to made a big deal out of the situation , asked the girl what she thought of it. " Peanut" was the reply. "That small"?? asked mom. " No,..........Salty" said the child. evil (I`ll go to my room now) cheers
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Stainless1
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Robert W. P. "Stainless" Steele Wichita, Kansas



« Reply #426 on: January 25, 2012, 11:03:59 PM »

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards President Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
Cereal KLR
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« Reply #427 on: January 26, 2012, 01:20:56 PM »

 

 

 

 






 

 

The Fisherman....

A guy is 82 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around, couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll
turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that
all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, then placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age
I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

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« Reply #428 on: January 26, 2012, 07:55:47 PM »

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a  mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler,which I've never seen done in my entire career".
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All models are wrong, but some are useful! G.E. Box (1967) www.designdreams.biz
floydjer
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« Reply #429 on: January 27, 2012, 08:15:37 AM »

Did you know the Three Wise Men were firemen from Kentucky? Says so in the Bible......"They came from afar.............." evil
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Stainless1
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« Reply #430 on: January 27, 2012, 09:39:41 AM »

Wrong thread Jerry, that one goes on the bad joke Friday...
did you remember to smoke your meds this morning  grin
 cheers
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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
Rcktscientist
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« Reply #431 on: January 27, 2012, 11:29:17 AM »

An oldie, but good for a laugh...also works for Drivers/Crew Chiefs!

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints (i.e., problems) submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an S).

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident........

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And finally...
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget
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« Reply #432 on: January 27, 2012, 06:24:44 PM »

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.  shocked
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floydjer
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« Reply #433 on: January 28, 2012, 09:26:08 AM »

Slim,.Bob`s picking on me  wink>>> Did you know there is mention of P.M.S in the bible???  Look it up...." Mary rode Joseph`s Acura all the way to Bethlehem....."
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SaltRat
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« Reply #434 on: January 28, 2012, 12:27:36 PM »

PMS in the Bible? c'mon!

How about:

the first mention of sexual abuse on TV?
(Oct 16, 1958 when Mrs. Cleaver said: "Ward, don't you think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night?")

or the first mention of "wimmen troubles" on TV:  March 17, 1960:  Mrs. Cleaver says "Ward, I'm a little worried about the Beaver."

where's my rimshot?

Veni, Vidi, Veloce
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SaltRat
When (if?) this baby hits 88mph, you'll see some serious poo.
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