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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 198324 times)
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johnneilson
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« Reply #405 on: June 17, 2011, 09:02:45 AM »

I read in the paper that the local hookers are starting to unionize.
Among other things, they are tired of being referred to as 'Ho's".
They prefer to be know as "Testicle drainage technicians".

J
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« Reply #406 on: June 17, 2011, 12:46:52 PM »

Reminds me of the time I was in South Beach.....Saw this stunning young lady and walked up to her, I asked if she`d have sex with me for a million dollars. She said " Sure"!!  I asked .."How about for 50 cents"? She said " What kind of woman do you think I am "?? I told her she had shown me what kind of woman she was.....Now we were just negotiating price.  (oddly.....My lady friends don`t think that`s funny)
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« Reply #407 on: June 17, 2011, 02:59:24 PM »

Jerry:

That's an old one.  Cute, but older than the hills.  Thanks for dredging up stuff like it.

So - when will you be appearing on the Forum for more than just the weekly ration of jokes?
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« Reply #408 on: June 20, 2011, 06:51:40 AM »

Well Slim,...I view the threads on a daily basis....But only chime in when I have knowledge on the subject..................(little self depricating humor for you) cheers
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« Reply #409 on: June 20, 2011, 08:04:12 AM »

Ah - now I know why you darn near never post. evil
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #410 on: June 22, 2011, 07:05:51 PM »

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

Trip to Italy

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry .."

 cheers

Mike
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« Reply #411 on: June 28, 2011, 07:05:30 PM »

Military humor from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

________________________________

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

_____________________________

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
________________________________

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!  Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

________________________________

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

______________________________

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
________________________________

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
 


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« Reply #412 on: July 14, 2011, 12:44:23 PM »

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from?  How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.  The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.  I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.   As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.  As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.  Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No!  No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.  "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.  How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.  There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses.  "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.  She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.  You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"  She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a golf course?"

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« Reply #413 on: July 14, 2011, 07:55:46 PM »

An old guy ok, a guy my age and not in the best of shape.... Was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy and beautiful young woman.
                               
He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."

 

 

 

 
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« Reply #414 on: July 26, 2011, 11:26:36 PM »

The fail blog has noticed us.

The link is here.
http://verydemotivational.memebase.com/2011/07/26/demotivational-posters-planking-at-mph/
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« Reply #415 on: August 31, 2011, 04:29:49 PM »

From my crazy (neither gone nor forgotten) uncle in Red Bluff:

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head. In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build A bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make my woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want 2 lanes or 4 on that bridge?"
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« Reply #416 on: August 31, 2011, 09:41:14 PM »

  A couple of guy's came into my pit and in the course of discussion mentioned that they stayed in Well's the night before.
  When I asked if they stayed at Donna's or Bella's they laughed but said outside one of the establishment's was a sign that read: "what swells in Wells stays in Wells".      Bob
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« Reply #417 on: September 16, 2011, 05:50:29 PM »

6th grader comes home at dinner time and there is a robot standing in the dining room. He asks about the mechanical man and his dad explains that it is a lie detecting machine. Father asks where the son has been and he replies that he was at Billy`s doing homework. The robot smacks the kid in the head. Dad asks again. Son says he was at Billy`s watching porn. Dad says at that age he didn`t watch porn. Robot smacks dad in the head. Mom says "Well, He is your son. "  Robot turns and smacks mom in the head. evil
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« Reply #418 on: October 28, 2011, 02:12:13 PM »

"Elderly" jokes from an older  rolleyes local Bonneville record holder:

-----

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it..'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so a s not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

-------

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

-----

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

-----
 
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

----
 
Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

----
 
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

-----
 
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

----
 
One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Here's to all you old guys!  cheers

Mike
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« Reply #419 on: October 28, 2011, 04:32:40 PM »

I resemble that remark! cheers
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