The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread

[Milwaukee Midget]

Come on, Glen, I wouldn't spam ya . . .

[4-barrel Mike]

I'm glad to learn that beer doesn't get warm in the trunk of a car in impound!   

Mike

[Captthundarr]

Ya gotta love the protocol and remember to keep some "balast" in the pits.

[Stan Back]

I can verify that that was an actual conversation.  The principals were filmed, too, but not shown to protect the non-innocent.

[floydjer]

Slim and Nancy were driving from Marquette to Mackinaw City, ( Slim LOVES Mackinaw Island) And Slim put his hand on Nancy`s leg...Nan` says " Jon,....You can go as far as you want". So......He drove all the way to Detroit....................

[Seldom Seen Slim]

Jerry, I'm not sure what to say about that one.  Give me a few minutes.  We're in Denver -- went WAY past Detroit.   That's all the way and then some. . .

[Dean Los Angeles]

Bill and Bob, two not so bright guys were asked to measure the height of the flag pole.

Bill grabbed one end of the tape measure and gave the other end to Bob and told him to climb up. As much as he tried, he could only get half way before he slid back down.

They traded ends and Bill tried to climb up. He did no better.

Sam comes along and notices their difficulty. He tells them to pull the flag pole out and lay it on the ground. Sam walks off.

Bill says to Bob, "That idiot. We were told to measure the height, not the length."

[Stainless1]

The police came to my neighbor's front door last night holding a picture of his wife, then asked "is this your wife sir?".

Shocked he answered, " Yes!".

They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".

He said "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the dog."

[k.h.]

Survival video for Michigan's Upper Peninsula, SSS's backyard:

[Seldom Seen Slim]

No doubt -- that fellow has the accent down just right.  The background scenery got me all fired up to go for a walk out in the woods behind out house.  A summer day (or winter, or fall or spring) out in the woods in the UP is something too good for most of the rest of the world.  Stay home - let us enjoy our own stuff, hey?

[116ciHemi]

Another one that might help you understand the UP and Michigan Tech.
http://comedians.jokes.com/john-oliver/videos/john-oliver---exactly-where-i-need-to-be

[Seldom Seen Slim]

When I was in Hoton (Michigan Tech to those of you that don't know the background) I did spend a winter driving taxi* on the crack o' dawn shift.  I can identify with Dave.

*Okay - quick note here:  Houghton/Hancock (Houghton is the home of Michigan Technological University, my alma mater and Walt's school these days) is the metro (what a laugh!) area there -- a pair of towns, one on either side of the Portage Canal waterway.  "On either side" -- good phrase, because both towns have STEEP hills leading down to the water.  Did I give the impression to you - that the hills are steep?  Not insurmountable, but pretty steep.  The area gets 250 - 350 inches of snow per winter -- a product of having Lake Superior on about three and a half sides of the area (look at a map of the Keweenaw Peninsula.  It's the part of the U P that sticks out into Lake Superior).  So -- take STEEP hills, add LOTS of snow every day (one winter when I was there we received measurable snowfall 54 days in a row -- new record! ).  To that snow and steep hills add 5AM -- when the snowplows were just getting started.  Steep, snowy, unplowed.  The taxis in the "fleet" (there were two cars at Jerry's Taxi Co.) were late-60s Plymouth four-doors - slant-six engine, three speed on the column, walnut shell snow tires REAR WHEEL DRIVE.

And some of you wonder why the prospect of driving on a road with an overnight snowfall of six or 8 inches doesn't cause me a moment's concern?

Thanks for the video, Walt.

[Stainless1]

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and  park themselves on a barstool.
One of them says to  the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at  the hip. I'm John, he's  Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'
The  bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet,  lads?'
 'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We  go to England every  year,  rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?'
 Jim agrees.
'Ah, England !' says the bartender.  'Wonderful country... the  history,  the beer, the  culture...'
 'Nah, we don't like that British crap,'  says John.
 'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's  us, eh Jim? And we can't stand  the English --- they're so arrogant and  rude.'
 'So why keep going to England ?' asks the  bartender.
 'Ah, It's the only chance Jim gets to  drive.'
 

[floydjer]

The police respond to a domestic  disturbance call and find a rather dead guy in a pool of blood....His wife is standing over his body, Holding a bloody golf club. Cop asks how many times she hit him and she says ..." Six, maybe seven........Put me down for five"

[Dr Goggles]

The police respond to a domestic  disturbance call and find a rather dead guy in a pool of blood....His wife is standing over his body, Holding a bloody golf club. Cop asks how many times she hit him and she says ..." Six, maybe seven........Put me down for five"

so, at my place right now she said...." hmmm, golf humour"....then she said..."is that as good as it gets this week?"