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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 207058 times)
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #330 on: October 19, 2010, 07:17:57 PM »

My crazy uncle in Red Bluff is getting excited about the coming election, so, a political joke:

The Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

“Oh please excuse me,” said the bunny.  “I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.” 

“That's perfectly all right,” replied the snake.  “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

 “Well, I really don't know,” said the bunny.  “I'm blind, and I've never seen myself.  Maybe you could examine me and find out.”

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said,  “Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose.  You must be a bunny rabbit!”

The bunny said, “I can't thank you enough.  But by the way, what kind of animal are you?” 

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked,  “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, “you’re cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls........You must be a POLITICIAN”.

 cheers
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« Reply #331 on: October 20, 2010, 08:24:14 AM »

Mike`s uncle in Red Bluff called and told me this one cheers   This guy is driving home at 3 a.m. when a cop stops him and asks where he`s going. The man says he`s going to a lecture on the damage done  to the human body and mind from alcohol abuse. the officer asks who is giving the lecture and the guy  says "My wife" evil
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I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
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« Reply #332 on: October 30, 2010, 09:20:11 PM »

Snow white and the seven dwarves were sitting a hot tub feeling happy............Then Happy got out and they all felt Grumpy evil
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I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #333 on: October 30, 2010, 11:40:11 PM »

Ho!  That was really Dopey! 



 afro Mike
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« Reply #334 on: November 07, 2010, 07:14:30 PM »

(#1444) How to impress a woman
Wine her; Dine her; Call her; Hug her; Support her; Hold her; Surprise her; Compliment her; Smile at her; Listen to her; Laugh with her; Cry with her; Romance her; Encourage her; Believe in her; Cuddle her; Shop with her; Give her jewellery; Buy her flowers; Hold her hand; Write love letters to her; Go to the ends of the Earth and back again for her.

(#1445) How to impress a man
Show up naked; Bring him chicken wings; Don't stand in front of the TV.
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« Reply #335 on: November 07, 2010, 08:23:00 PM »

Quote
(#1445) How to impress a man
Show up naked; Bring him chicken wings; Don't stand in front of the TV.


For many guys, they'd want beer.
I don't want wings or beer.
Some good BBQ and a cold Dr. Pepper would go down fine.
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« Reply #336 on: November 16, 2010, 01:14:59 PM »

The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece. After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.
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« Reply #337 on: November 23, 2010, 07:00:47 PM »

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

  

(scroll down..... .............)


  


  



  

"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?"
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« Reply #338 on: December 07, 2010, 12:05:16 AM »

A  man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the  door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push."Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"  He slams the door and returns to bed.   

"Who was that?" asked his wife.  "Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.  "Did you help him?" she asks.  "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!  God loves drunk people too."     
                                                 
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"  "Yes," comes back the answer.  "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.  "Where are you?" asks the husband.  "Over here on the swing set," replied the  drunk.
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« Reply #339 on: December 08, 2010, 03:52:21 PM »

Q.  Why do Driver Ed classes at modern high schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A.  Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. 
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #340 on: December 08, 2010, 06:10:20 PM »

Or the variation: when I was a kid, we were so poor that the high school used the same car for Driver Ed and Sex Ed.   cheers

Mike
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« Reply #341 on: December 09, 2010, 05:50:29 PM »

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"


(scroll down..... .............)
   

"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?"

This one is funny to me, especially after last weekend. Part of what my AFROTC detachment does is usher hockey games at the school. A couple came in to my section, and the older gentleman  had the look of a former serviceman. You can tell if you've been around the military for awhile. Anyway, it didn't strike me as unusual. The next night was our detachment dining out, our formal dinner. Our guest speaker was a retired USAF Major General- the same man that I had noticed at the hockey game. You never know who is watching.
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« Reply #342 on: December 10, 2010, 11:58:22 AM »


> > A hooded robber burst into an Oklahoma bank and forced the
> > tellers to load a sack full of cash.
> >
> > On his way out the door, a brave Oklahoma customer grabbed
> > the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face.
> > The robber shot the customer without a moment’s
> > hesitation.
> >
> > He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the
> > tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot
> > him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently
> > down at the floor in silence.
> >
> > The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my
> > face?’
> >
> > There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone
> > was plainly afraid to speak.
> >
> > Then, one old cowboy from West Texas tentatively raised his
> > hand and said, ‘My wife got a pretty good look at you.’

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Dean Los Angeles
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« Reply #343 on: December 11, 2010, 01:21:17 PM »

Dear Lord:

So far today, God, I've done alright,
I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my
temper, haven't been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.

I'm very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, God, I'm going
to get out of bed. And from then on
I'm going to need a lot more help.

Amen
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Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #344 on: December 11, 2010, 01:51:53 PM »

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

$7.00 Sex
 
An  Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an  elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row; the couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.  She's married; so we can't go to her house.  I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.

'We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.'



SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT...

 cheers

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