Landracing Forum Home
December 16, 2017, 03:30:18 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length
News:
BACK TO LANDRACING.COM HOMEPAGE
 
   Home   Help Search Calendar Login Register  


(Note: Donations are not tax deductible)







Live Audio Streaming and Archives of Past Events
Next Live Event: TBD
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 [19] 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 ... 61   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 207460 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
1212FBGS
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 57
Location: Vista, Ca
Posts: 2532


WWW

Ignore
« Reply #270 on: June 10, 2010, 03:21:13 PM »

boy how true that is..... i bought a old sprint car, my wife buys an Audi TT...... I get a dog, my wife buys a Hummer..... what i dont think is fair is she took all three in the divorce.... miss that dog.... true not a joke!
kent
Logged
theazoldcrow
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Location: Mammoth, Az. Where the sun shines daily!
Posts: 820


Yup!




Ignore
« Reply #271 on: June 10, 2010, 07:51:29 PM »

 grin  But you got Troy!
Logged

The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!
isiahstites
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Location: Northern Nevada
Posts: 1149





Ignore
« Reply #272 on: June 12, 2010, 11:45:38 PM »

boy how true that is..... i bought a old sprint car, my wife buys an Audi TT...... I get a dog, my wife buys a Hummer..... what i dont think is fair is she took all three in the divorce.... miss that dog.... true not a joke!
kent

No Subaru! The last bike I bought cost me a new diamond ring.
Logged
Cajun Kid
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 55
Location: Winston Salem, North Carolina
Posts: 3189


Venable Rod's & Racing #805 Studebaker, #806 Ford




Ignore
« Reply #273 on: June 13, 2010, 08:45:33 AM »

boy how true that is..... i bought a old sprint car, my wife buys an Audi TT...... I get a dog, my wife buys a Hummer..... what i dont think is fair is she took all three in the divorce.... miss that dog.... true not a joke!
kent

No Subaru! The last bike I bought cost me a new diamond ring.

I can top that,, The first shop and the Vicky cost me a swimming pool and deck (for my wife and kids) the New Shop cost me a 2008 Mercedes Benz for my Wife... The Stude,,, heck I am so broke now I may not have to reciprocate on this one  evil evil cheers cheers

Charles
Logged

ECTA Record Holder Maxton
E/CBFALT, E/CBGALT, E/CGALT, E/CFALT, A/CGALT, C/CGALT, D/CGALT, C/CBGALT, B/CBGALT, C/CFALT
OHIO
B/CGALT, C/CGALT

LTA Record Holder and 200 Club Member
A/CBFALT, B/CBFALT, C/CBFALT, C/CFALT, C/CGALT,   E/CGALT, E/CFALT

Fastest Standing Mile at Ohio  203.343mph
Fastest Standing Mile at Maxton 196.967mph
Fastest Standing 1.5 Mile at Loring 213.624mph
Fastest Standing Mile at Loring 204.109mph

http://s261.photobucket.com/albums/ii43/cajunkid5690/

Blog    www.venablerodsandracing.com
email   venableracing@gmail.com
Milwaukee Midget
Global Moderator
Hero Member
***
Offline Offline

Age: 57
Location: Beerhaven, Wisconsin
Posts: 5952


Bonneville I/GT record holder - 122.539 mph


WWW
« Reply #274 on: July 04, 2010, 12:58:51 PM »

Young Cousin Becky went fishing, her first time, and came back to the cabin with one fish on her stringer.

"Look, Pa, I caught me a twelve inch trout!" she exclaimed.

Her father looked at the fish with grave concern.  He didn't want to hurt the young girl's feelings, but what she had on her stringer was a two inch minnow.

"Well, ain't that fine, Becky", he said, but then added, "But you haven't done a lot of fishin'.  What makes you think that's a twelve inch trout?"

"Well, I have to admit it", said Becky, "I don't know if it's a trout or not, but it shore looks like cousin Jethro's twelve inch trout!"



Logged

"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!
4-barrel Mike
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 69
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 2790


Any fool can drive a V8




Ignore
« Reply #275 on: July 14, 2010, 10:39:06 AM »

My crazy uncle in Red Bluff has broken his silence: 

WHY  WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my  wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to  browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six  months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a  trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's  restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved  a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set  up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd  invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his  'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 cheers
Logged

Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!
bbarn
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Age: 47
Location: Harmony, PA
Posts: 615





Ignore
« Reply #276 on: July 14, 2010, 10:43:08 AM »

Why men shouldn't write advice columns:

Logged

I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.
4-barrel Mike
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 69
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 2790


Any fool can drive a V8




Ignore
« Reply #277 on: July 15, 2010, 12:20:59 PM »

NOT from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A young cowboy from  Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!  They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.  The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.  "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot Old Blue, before he talks to your mother."

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.   cheers
Logged

Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!
floydjer
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 60
Location: grand rapids, michigan
Posts: 2255


"There is no duck side of the moon..."




Ignore
« Reply #278 on: July 20, 2010, 01:48:32 PM »

A guy goes to the doctor because of an ear problem. Doc. asks him to describe the symptoms. Guy says; "Homer is big and fat, Marge is skinny with blue hair" cheers
Logged

I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
fastesthonda_jim
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 472


Ready to Rock 2003




Ignore
« Reply #279 on: July 24, 2010, 04:13:22 PM »

 

A gas station owner back East someplace was trying to increase his sales.  So he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with a Fill-Up.'

Soon a 'busa rider pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The 'busa rider guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, the same rider, along with a buddy, Bubba (a Harley rider), pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. 'Busa man guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, 'busa said to his buddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Bubba replied, "No it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
Logged

2006 SCTA High Points Champeen
2006 Dirty "2" Wrench Of The Year
Bonneville "2" Club 2003
El Mirage Dirty "2"'s 2006
Bonneville Records: G/GS, F/GS (Boy)  G/FS (Girl)
El Mirage Records: F/BFS, F/FS, F/GS, I/FS, I/GS, K/BGS
FIA Records A, II, 8
Unlimited License
300mph line qualified (305.129 best mile speed)
The older half of San Diego's Fastest Couple
2016 Man of Distinction Award
k.h.
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Age: 69
Location: Webster Groves, MO
Posts: 565





Ignore
« Reply #280 on: July 24, 2010, 11:26:42 PM »

BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday.



Monica Lewinsky turns 44.   
Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast, don't they?
Logged

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut
maguromic
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Location: Palo Alto, CA
Posts: 1736



WWW

Ignore
« Reply #281 on: July 24, 2010, 11:40:51 PM »

After reading this I almost chocked on my evening cigar.  cheesy Tony
Logged

“If you haven’t seen the future, you are not going fast enough”
Milwaukee Midget
Global Moderator
Hero Member
***
Offline Offline

Age: 57
Location: Beerhaven, Wisconsin
Posts: 5952


Bonneville I/GT record holder - 122.539 mph


WWW
« Reply #282 on: July 24, 2010, 11:56:50 PM »



Monica Lewinsky turns 44.   
Can you believe it?
Ahh, the return of the human humidor.
Logged

"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!
theazoldcrow
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Location: Mammoth, Az. Where the sun shines daily!
Posts: 820


Yup!




Ignore
« Reply #283 on: July 25, 2010, 10:44:10 AM »

 shocked I think we all should ab stain with the Lewinski jokes!   
Logged

The Earth, is an intergalactic insane asylum.!
salt27
Hero Member
*****
Offline Offline

Age: 60
Location: S.W. Orygun
Posts: 1244





Ignore
« Reply #284 on: July 25, 2010, 12:56:25 PM »

shocked I think we all should ab stain with the Lewinski jokes!   

Crow,
You are right, let's just let this blow over.
Logged
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 [19] 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 ... 61   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2015, Simple Machines
Simple Audio Video Embedder
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!


Google visited last this page October 20, 2017, 10:43:08 PM