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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 197229 times)
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #240 on: March 18, 2010, 12:43:25 PM »

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
 
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
 
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
 
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
 
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
 
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
 
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
 
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
 
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
 
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
 
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
 
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
 
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
 
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
 
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
 
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'  Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
Chief: 'A senator?'  Cop: 'Bigger.'   
 
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'  Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
 
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
 
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
 
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
 
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jimmy six
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« Reply #241 on: March 18, 2010, 01:31:55 PM »

I've heard this before....Except it wasn't God in the back seat; it was Hardy Allen....Everyone know Hardy is more well known than the Pope............................JD
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« Reply #242 on: March 18, 2010, 03:42:01 PM »

I've heard this before....Except it wasn't God in the back seat; it was Hardy Allen....Everyone know Hardy is more well known than the Pope............................JD
You ain't foolin', JD. Wayno
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #243 on: April 03, 2010, 12:58:35 PM »

Happy Easter from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.  He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.  Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.  A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.  She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible, "he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, " Don't worry."  She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.  She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.  Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.  He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.  It says..

|
V








|
V



(This is bad!)



(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)


(You can still delete it)







|
V




(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,

"Hair Spray -

Restores life to dead hair,

and adds permanent wave."


Happy Easter!!!
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landsendlynda
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« Reply #244 on: April 03, 2010, 01:11:29 PM »

That has got to be the best rabbit joke ever!!

Lynda
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« Reply #245 on: April 03, 2010, 01:42:39 PM »

Last night, I lost the local pub TRIVIA QUIZ by 1 point!



The last question was...

Where do most women have curly hair?






Apparently the correct answer is "Africa."
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« Reply #246 on: April 03, 2010, 01:52:22 PM »

Last night, I lost the local pub TRIVIA QUIZ by 1 point!



The last question was...

Where do most women have curly hair?






Apparently the correct answer is "Africa."

Well,,, I bet your answer was still in the "Southern Hemisphere"   afro cheers cheers
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ECTA Record Holder Maxton
E/CBFALT, E/CBGALT, E/CGALT, E/CFALT, A/CGALT, C/CGALT, D/CGALT, C/CBGALT, B/CBGALT, C/CFALT
OHIO
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LTA Record Holder and 200 Club Member
A/CBFALT, B/CBFALT, C/CBFALT, C/CFALT, C/CGALT,   E/CGALT, E/CFALT

Fastest Standing Mile at Ohio  203.343mph
Fastest Standing Mile at Maxton 196.967mph
Fastest Standing 1.5 Mile at Loring 213.624mph
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« Reply #247 on: April 05, 2010, 02:23:54 PM »

It's Friday somewhere, isn't it?


"Ole and Sven had really 'packed on the pounds' by over-eating during Christmas and the New Year's Holidays, so their doctor put them on the same diet.

 
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

 
When the Norwegians returned, they shocked their doctor by having lost nearly 25 POUNDS each. "Why, that's positively amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
Then Ole and Sven nodded and said, "We vant to tell you though, we
taut we was gonna drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, yust from all dat skippin!"
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #248 on: April 07, 2010, 01:32:04 PM »

Just in from my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and to comfort her.  When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble.  "Oh, no, dear," replied granny.  "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells began to ring.  It was just the right rhythm.  Nothing too strenuous, just in on the ding, out on the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive if that fricking ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Brings a tear to your eye, donít it.

Mike
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« Reply #249 on: April 10, 2010, 07:28:24 AM »

This was told to me as a true story.  I have no reason not to believe that it isn't.  I don't think you could make this up.  There was a lady that had a child with Downs Syndrome and they lived by them selves.  She would go over and check on him or her ( I am not sure if it was a girl or boy)  doesn't matter every two or three days.  One day she went over to check on them and the child said I have a troll locked in the closet she said what!!! I have a troll locked in the closet.  The closet had all kinds of furniture stacked in front of the door tables chairs desk all kinds of stuff.  The Mom unstacked all the stuff and opened the door and there was a midget in there. They had been in there for two days.  It was a Jehovah Wittness that was going around knocking on doors handing out there info.  Just a funny story.
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #250 on: April 19, 2010, 11:47:40 AM »

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

The Last Nickel
 
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
 
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
 
"No," the woman replied.  "I'm with the I.R.S."
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« Reply #251 on: April 19, 2010, 01:28:16 PM »

A young christian man still a virgin decides to propose to his long time girlfriend but feels he must confess to her his deformity!
He explains.
Before I ask you to marry me i must confess I have a baby sized penis.

She smiles sweetly and says.
size isnt everything and i love you for who you are you mean the world to me and I would love to be your Wife.

They marry in due course and on there honeymoon they cant wait to feel each others soft caress.

He un does her blouse as she slips her hand down the front of his pants and lets out a huge scream!!!

You said you had a baby sized penis!


I have he replies 8lb 7oz
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« Reply #252 on: April 19, 2010, 01:38:50 PM »

Fred is getting married and his buddies take him out for a wild batchelor party.

They get him a hooker. Fred thinks about this and says what the heck, I'm not married yet and I could use some wild sex.

As it turns out, it was too wild. In fact, she broke his penis.

The next day he rushes to the doctor.

Doc! I'm getting married today! What can I do!

The doctor tells him it really is broken and all he can do is put a wooden brace on it.

Fred worries about this all day. He worries about it during the ceremony. He worries about it during the reception.

Fred and his new wife finally arrive at the hotel. Fred is in a panic, he doesn't know what to do.

His new wife heads into the bathroom to change. She come out in this sheer negligee.

She comes out into the bedroom, throws off the negligee and says "Never been used".

Fred drops his trousers and says "Still in the box!"
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« Reply #253 on: April 27, 2010, 11:33:14 AM »

Guy calls his friend and starts bragging about the wild night of love he enjoyed with his girl friend and her twin. Buddy asks if he had trouble telling them apart. He replies " Not at all, Her brother has a moustache........................................." shocked
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« Reply #254 on: April 27, 2010, 12:30:33 PM »

Now Floyd,,

Thats just darn right Wrong !!!!! cheers
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ECTA Record Holder Maxton
E/CBFALT, E/CBGALT, E/CGALT, E/CFALT, A/CGALT, C/CGALT, D/CGALT, C/CBGALT, B/CBGALT, C/CFALT
OHIO
B/CGALT, C/CGALT

LTA Record Holder and 200 Club Member
A/CBFALT, B/CBFALT, C/CBFALT, C/CFALT, C/CGALT,   E/CGALT, E/CFALT

Fastest Standing Mile at Ohio  203.343mph
Fastest Standing Mile at Maxton 196.967mph
Fastest Standing 1.5 Mile at Loring 213.624mph
Fastest Standing Mile at Loring 204.109mph

http://s261.photobucket.com/albums/ii43/cajunkid5690/

Blog    www.venablerodsandracing.com
email   venableracing@gmail.com
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