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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 197410 times)
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stratman59
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« Reply #195 on: December 16, 2009, 10:10:47 PM »

He who drinks gets drunk.
He who gets drunk falls asleep.
He who falls asleep does not sinn.
He who does not sinn goes to heaven.
So come on guys lets get drunk and go to heaven.


Robbie
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fastesthonda_jim
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« Reply #196 on: December 16, 2009, 10:30:39 PM »

Something else to worry about ...
 
 
 
 I'm not really concerned about swine flu. Here's my concern.
 
 * 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease.
 
 
 * 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.
 
 
 * This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . Swine flu.
 
 
 Next year is the year of the cock - Anybody else worried?
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #197 on: December 17, 2009, 01:06:47 AM »

The joke talking about heaven reminds of me when Leroy went to church.

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies:  "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."


The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

 
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Mike Kelly - PROUD owner of the V4F that powered the #1931 VGC to a 82.803 mph record in 2008!
stratman59
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« Reply #198 on: December 21, 2009, 07:04:00 AM »

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer  cheers
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bbarn
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« Reply #199 on: December 21, 2009, 11:04:48 AM »

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer  cheers

or....

That badge looks stupid.

or

You'll never get those cuffs on me you p@ssy!
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I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.
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« Reply #200 on: December 22, 2009, 06:56:58 AM »

What do donkeys send out near Christmas?

Mule-tide greetings grin

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floydjer
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« Reply #201 on: December 28, 2009, 12:05:16 PM »

Blonde is making her way home from the bar when a cop pulls her over. Officer tells her she`s weaving all over the road and he wants her to take the breathalyser test. Girl blows in the tube,Cop looks at the device and says "Looks like you had a few stiff ones" Girl says........" It tells you THAT too"? cheers
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I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
k.h.
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« Reply #202 on: December 29, 2009, 12:35:23 AM »

A rancher was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the rancher, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

The rancher looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg ,Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the rancher and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the rancher.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the rancher says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government", says the rancher.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the rancher. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep....

.... Now give me back my dog."
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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut
stratman59
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« Reply #203 on: December 29, 2009, 06:26:01 AM »

 grin cheesy cheesy
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stratman59
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« Reply #204 on: December 29, 2009, 08:40:32 PM »

Local Golf Club
This sign was posted at a local golf club

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Donít stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Donít take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
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doug odom
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« Reply #205 on: January 05, 2010, 11:59:08 AM »

The local police got a report of a break in and burglary at the pharmacy supply warehouse. The video security cameras show 4 men, 55 to 65 years old stealing a pallet of Viagra.

The police are now on the look out for 4 hardened criminals.
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How old would you be now if you didn't know how old you are?
If you can't race it or take it to bed - it ain't worth having.
floydjer
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« Reply #206 on: January 06, 2010, 09:41:59 AM »

Bill and Steve are playing a round of golf. All morning they are stuck behind two dreadfully slow women. Bill decides to ask them if he and his pal can play through. He takes the cart to go talk w/ them, but, 1/2 way there he turns around and comes back . "Good Lord" he cries "One of them is my wife, The other is my girlfriend, I can`t talk to THEM". Steve says he`ll do it. Off he goes,1/2 way, turns about and returns to where Bill is and says............."Small world"
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« Reply #207 on: January 06, 2010, 04:10:15 PM »

Little John the Baptist
 

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.  He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.  She smiled and went about her work. 
 
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that!  Cats don't like water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church!"
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I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.
k.h.
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« Reply #208 on: January 07, 2010, 06:44:57 PM »





Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London. 

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him
in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get
up and get a Coke." 


   "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat,

I'll get it for you."




    As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and
spat in it. 


    When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, "That
looks good, I'd really like one, too." 


    Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone, the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and
spat in it. 

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. 




    As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his
Arab neighbors. 

"Why does it have to be this way?

How long must this go on?

This fighting between our nations?

This hatred?

This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and p*ss*ng in Cokes?"
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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut
Stainless1
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« Reply #209 on: January 07, 2010, 11:25:26 PM »

Sounds like the Amo boys and coffee...
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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
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