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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 207210 times)
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McRat
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« Reply #165 on: November 19, 2009, 03:55:30 PM »

My wife keeps telling me to read instructions before using things, and I just can't get the hang of it.

I bought some new deodorant, and read the instructions:

Remove cap and push up bottom.

Well, I can barely walk now, but when I faart, the room smells great.
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theazoldcrow
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« Reply #166 on: November 19, 2009, 04:15:18 PM »

 shocked When you get the chance, read the instructions on the can of Draino.    First thing it says is not to put in standing water.........What in the heck good is it then,  your trying to get rid of standing water in the sink!?     Crow.
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bbarn
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« Reply #167 on: November 19, 2009, 04:24:36 PM »

I recently changed the idler pulley on my wife's mini van. I am not making this up, the first instruction on the package said "Please turn off engine before installing".

Seriously, who on earth would try to change a pulley when the engine is running? I guess they would be easy to identify after the fact, and their nickname would be something like "stumpy"...
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I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.
McRat
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« Reply #168 on: November 19, 2009, 04:27:01 PM »

I love Chinese Instuwksons:

1)  Cover of top removed by screwdriver.
2)  Battery installed inside.
3)  Cover of top install.  
4)  Screw it up.

I usually get step 4 right.

BTW - Yes, those are real instructions I read on a wireless phone system for battery replacement.
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k.h.
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« Reply #169 on: November 19, 2009, 04:43:45 PM »

The deodorant joke had me spitting coffee.  There's some mileage left in that one.  Off to work before my wife and kids starve.
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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut
Dr Goggles
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« Reply #170 on: November 19, 2009, 05:04:03 PM »

I recently changed the idler pulley on my wife's mini van. I am not making this up, the first instruction on the package said "Please turn off engine before installing".

Seriously, who on earth would try to change a pulley when the engine is running? I guess they would be easy to identify after the fact, and their nickname would be something like "stumpy"...

turn the motor off? what , do think I've got nothing better to do than walk all the way around to the front of the car and waste my energy twisting that stupid key?.....



by the way I had a packet of Portuguese coffee once that had instructions on the side ...step 3 "Get the cup not"......oh , OK ...I won't then huh
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Few understand what I'm trying to do but they vastly outnumber those who understand why...................

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« Reply #171 on: November 19, 2009, 05:47:32 PM »

I recently changed the idler pulley on my wife's mini van. I am not making this up, the first instruction on the package said "Please turn off engine before installing".

Seriously, who on earth would try to change a pulley when the engine is running? I guess they would be easy to identify after the fact, and their nickname would be something like "stumpy"...

turn the motor off? what , do think I've got nothing better to do than walk all the way around to the front of the car and waste my energy twisting that stupid key?.....



by the way I had a packet of Portuguese coffee once that had instructions on the side ...step 3 "Get the cup not"......oh , OK ...I won't then huh

That's a belt change on a two pulley system with little tension on the belt (and probably only a 28-34HP motor). Try changing the pulley on the crank end while it's running (I'll even give you a week to do it) and I'll be mighty impressed!
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I almost never wake up cranky, I usually just let her sleep in.
Dr Goggles
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« Reply #172 on: November 19, 2009, 06:54:37 PM »

That's a belt change on a two pulley system with little tension on the belt (and probably only a 28-34HP motor). Try changing the pulley on the crank end while it's running (I'll even give you a week to do it) and I'll be mighty impressed!

I'm thinking the handle of that screwdriver would about half way up yr left nostril before you even thought, "this is my tenth bad idea today"........ grin
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Few understand what I'm trying to do but they vastly outnumber those who understand why...................

http://thespiritofsunshine.blogspot.com/

Current Australian E/GL record holder at 215.041mph

THE LUCKIEST MAN IN SLOW BUSINESS.
floydjer
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« Reply #173 on: November 19, 2009, 07:24:29 PM »

A Giraffe walks in to a bar and says...."The high balls are on me"!! ( just trying to stay on topic) cheers
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« Reply #174 on: November 19, 2009, 08:20:40 PM »

A marine biologist discovers he can keep porpoises alive indefinitely by feeding them seagulls.  To prove it, he puts a few in his home swimming pools and every day brings seagulls home for them to eat.  A lion escapes from the local zoo and finds its way to his home, deciding to nap on a sunny section of sidewalk leading to the pool.  The biologist comes home with a few birds, sees the sleeping cat and gingerly steps over it.  Out of the bushes jump a slew of law enforcement officials.  Why?  They charged him with carrying gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

Bennett Cerf lives.
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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut
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« Reply #175 on: November 19, 2009, 09:25:51 PM »

Quote
Bennett Cerf lives.

Now there's a name I hadn't heard since I was a kid!
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« Reply #176 on: November 21, 2009, 06:02:28 PM »

Two racers go to a junkyard for spare parts.  The junkyard is large, so the owner suggests that the pair look around to see if they can find what they want and warns the men to look out for his pet goat.

Out in the junkyard the men pass a hole in the ground.  One of them kicks a pebble into the hole and both are surprised that they do not hear the pebble hit bottom.
The two racers forget the spare parts mission and begin throwing larger and larger items into the apparently bottomless hole.  They don't hear anything hit bottom, so they heave a transmission into the hole.  Suddenly a goat runs up to the side of the hole, pauses, then jumps in.  Shaken by the goat's suicidal leap, the racers return to the junkyard owner.

"Did you find your parts?"  the owner asks.  Without mentioning the items they had thrown into the hole, the men tell the owner about the goat that jumped to his death.  The owner says, "That's funny, but it couldn't have been my goat.  Mine was securely tethered to a transmission."
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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut
floydjer
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"There is no duck side of the moon..."




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« Reply #177 on: November 22, 2009, 12:10:44 AM »

I remember thinking "That frisbee looks like it`s getting bigger"....And then it hit me. rolleyes
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Stainless1
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Robert W. P. "Stainless" Steele Wichita, Kansas



« Reply #178 on: November 23, 2009, 12:53:19 PM »

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
 
George replies, 'God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'
 
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God . Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'

 


'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!

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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
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« Reply #179 on: November 23, 2009, 12:59:18 PM »

The three old guys are trading medical problems.

Fred says "I'm 65 and I can only sleep until 6:00 am because I have to get up and pee."
George says "I'm 75 and I can only sleep until 5:00 am because I have to get up and poop."
Sam says "I'm 85 and sleep like a baby until 9:00 am because I already peed and pooped."
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Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
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