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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 199057 times)
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k.h.
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« Reply #150 on: November 18, 2009, 03:47:48 PM »

If you raced a vehicle powered by quantum foam, you'd be in.
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« Reply #151 on: November 18, 2009, 04:10:33 PM »

If you've got to ask "Why join Mensa" -- you probably don't qualify.  All it takes is a score in the top two percentile of any of the many standardised intelligence tests -- whether the SAT or ACT or the test that Mensa has put together, or the GRE or the military's IQ test, or -- if you've got another test that isn't listed among the ones they recognise -- ask them and they'll check to see if it meets their standards.  That's all it takes.  If you pass and are accepted -- the real test is next, 'cause you're allowed to pay yearly dues to have that card to carry in your wallet.  It proves that you can score in the top two percent.  If you "pass" this second test -- you don't pay the money, secure in the knowledge that you don't need to buy that card.
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« Reply #152 on: November 18, 2009, 04:21:22 PM »

Well if more of you guys would pay your dues, their phone would still be working, and I could join!   angry
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k.h.
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« Reply #153 on: November 18, 2009, 06:26:13 PM »

I have the card, based on my US Navy GCT/ARI in 1968.  Only paid dues once.  It's tattered, but I was once out at a landslide site with a group of engineers, one of whom asked how it happened.  I gave my take (gravity, which they didn't like, and probably a broken water line on the top of the bluff--true!), and she said, "You're probably a Mensa member,"  in response to which I brought out my card and handed it to her.  Ruined my career, them not wanting me to be openly perceived as smarter than anyone else.  The genius part was finding the money to clear this road from downtown to the airport.  One call to the County Road Administration Board in the state capitol, a roll of film, maps, and a white paper, sent it with the county engineer to a meeting with the CRAB board with my estimate of $243,000 to clean the mess, and I was told, three months later, after finding another $269K for a river study, my position was no longer needed.  Didn't like the job anyway.



 
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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut
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« Reply #154 on: November 18, 2009, 09:36:34 PM »

Speaking of  "cards", at the last presidential election the nice girl at the poll asked me for I.D. w/ picture. I handed her my concealed hand gun permit. Could have cut the tension with a knife. cheers
« Last Edit: November 19, 2009, 08:55:11 AM by floydjer » Logged

I`d never advocate drugs,alcohol,violence or insanity to anyone...But they work for me.
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« Reply #155 on: November 18, 2009, 09:43:24 PM »

Speaking of  "cards", at the last presidential election the nice girl at the poll asked me for I.D. w/ picture. I handed her my conceiled hand gun permit. Could have cut the tension with a knife. cheers

If you have time to kill, present you concealed carry permit and boarding pass to the TSA the next time you are at the airport. It's worth the wait...
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« Reply #156 on: November 18, 2009, 11:06:24 PM »

I was delayed for an hour at an airport once because they were worried about whether my carry-on contents were safe to bring aboard.

They could not figure out what the were, even though I had the blueprints with me.

They were aircraft parts for a 737, the same type plane I was attempting to board.  I guess they were afraid I was going to repair the plane?  Wouldn't want anyone to being doing that I suppose...
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k.h.
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« Reply #157 on: November 19, 2009, 10:26:19 AM »

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly (my favorite)

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future. (though this is good too)

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. (this also rocks)

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito,
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature: (This one, too, was
our very favorite. As have others in life, seems that
we've encountered an inordinate amount of these "types"!!) :~)

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an Acura-hole.
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« Reply #158 on: November 19, 2009, 11:34:06 AM »

Okay, OKAY, k.h.  YOU WIN!!  All right?

ROTFF-LOL ! ! !

MORE, more, please!
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k.h.
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« Reply #159 on: November 19, 2009, 11:50:58 AM »

I'm cheating.  Just cutting and pasting Mensa/Densa bits.  Personally, I define genius as:  A good memory and the ability to figure things out.  Don't even have to be literate to do that and live to a ripe old age.  I went to one Mensa meeting.  That was enough.  People dressed like characters from novels.  A legal secretary twice my age hitting on me.  A gaggle of seedy bearded guys who looked like Skid Road bums who turned out to be professors at the local university. Anyway, here's a sample of the brain noodling offered by those Mensas with an unwarranted feeling of superiority: 

Brain Exercise

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with
reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to
question four.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If
you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and
exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!
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« Reply #160 on: November 19, 2009, 12:11:37 PM »

I've often likened a person that's qualified to be a member of Mensa to a high-horsepower sports car.  The car is capable of amazing speed, handling, and such -- but can still spin the wheels and get stuck in the mud (or snow).  both need to be used properly and with care.
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bbarn
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« Reply #161 on: November 19, 2009, 12:24:31 PM »

Here is another mental test:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer)
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The King of the Forest is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

Note: According to sources, Anderson Consulting Worldwide (now "Accenture"), said around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting reportedly said this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
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« Reply #162 on: November 19, 2009, 01:05:24 PM »

Bless the consultants, for they shall inherit the billing revenue.

Having hired enough and been one, a consultant may be defined as someone who charges you to use your watch and tell you what time it is.

I digress back to Mensa/Densa.  Years ago, when people learned I was in Mensa, they asked me since I was so smarty, why I wasn't rich.  My stock answer was, "chocolate cake is rich, I prefer being wealthy." 

Can we tell politically incorrect jokes here?  Like, did you hear about the two judges of a particular sexual persuasion who tried each other?  OK, that's not PC enough. 
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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut
McRat
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« Reply #163 on: November 19, 2009, 02:56:17 PM »

Guess I didn't read #5 well enough.  The hour hand goes 30 per hour on the few clocks I have left that have hands.

I do have an old busted Grandfather clock.  My wife wants to throw it away because it's broke, but I tell her that it's right twice a day, which is often better than my typical day...
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« Reply #164 on: November 19, 2009, 03:10:23 PM »

That's me, right twice a day according to senior management (wife).  Here's a joke I heard in German 20 years ago and herewith translate and modify to fit this forum:

So, two LSR racers are driving across the country to get to Bonneville.  One turns to the other and asks, "Did you fart?"  The other responds, "Why, you think I always smell like this?"
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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  But in practice, there is.--Jan L. A. Van de Snepscheut
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