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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 198019 times)
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Seldom Seen Slim
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« Reply #120 on: October 18, 2009, 03:13:05 PM »

The newly-ordained young priest was soon to offer his first mass - but was quite nervous about the deal.  An older, more experienced cleric took young Father Tommy aside and suggested that if he were to take a sip of wine not long before the ceremony began he might be more relaxed.

Well, Fr. Tommy followed the advice -- too much, in fact.  He was quite a few sheets to the wind when he was at the altar, but nevertheless managed to get through the entire ordeal.  Or so he thought.

The main pastor of the parish took Tommy aside after all was done - to counsel him.  He said "Father, we understand that you were nervous and that you made a few slips of the tongue.  It wasn't a big deal when you mis-identified those souls that were remembered in special masses for the next week.  We didn't object when you got the name of the cemetary wrong when you were telling the flock of the funerals scheduled for the next few days.  After all, I knew you had had that drink of sacred wine and your tongue might be a bit loose.  But -- we just have to draw the line someplace, and have to ask you to be more careful in the future.  Next weekend there will not be, as you so stated, a peter pull at St. Taffy's Church!"
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« Reply #121 on: October 18, 2009, 04:20:51 PM »

This just in from my sister, a minister in the United Church of Christ:

"How to get to Heaven from Scotland"

I was testing the children in my Glasgow Sunday School class to see if the understood the concept of getting into heaven.  I asked them "If I sold my house, had a big jumble sale, and then gave all of my money to the church - would that get me into heaven?

"NO", the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn and tended the garden and kept everything tide - would that get me into Heaven?"

Again - the answer was a resounding "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband -- would that et me into Heaven?"

Once more they shouted "NO!"

I continued -- "well, then -- how can I get into Heaven?"

A si year old boy in the back of the room shouted "Foirst yuv got tae be fuklin' deid."
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« Reply #122 on: October 18, 2009, 04:50:52 PM »

Nifty comebacks when dis-agreeing with Little League Umpires (or tech inspectors, for that matter).

Remember, Practice Makes Perfect, but "Don't Try This At Home!"


The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my
husband I'd give you poison,"and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink
it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said
Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure.- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner...(about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -
Ernest Hemingway... (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend...if you have one." George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is
one." - Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E.
Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar
Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather
than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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Dr Goggles
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« Reply #123 on: October 18, 2009, 05:07:40 PM »

Quote
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

he was the Prime Minister of Australia from 'bout 90 to 96...he said that in Parlianment to the leader of the Opposition John Hewson , the actual quote was "look at you, you're just a shiver...." after an extended dressing down where Hewson just sat there dumbfounded while Keating just dismantled him with the rest of his government in hysterics behind him.... . Once , asked by Hewson why he wouldn't call an early election Keating responded ..."because I want to do you slowly" to screams of laughter....

he was very very quick, and since has had a successful musical written about him, which is of course hilarious....none of our conservative leaders have quite have that "style".....he was pilloried for putting his arm around the Queen , a terrible breach of regal custom... , personally I think he planned it..
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« Reply #124 on: October 31, 2009, 09:16:51 AM »

Two guys are sitting in a bar and one says to the other....." Did you know lions have sex up to 15 times a day"? The other says " Well, DODGE.....I just joined the Rotary Club" cheers
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« Reply #125 on: November 02, 2009, 03:03:13 PM »

Best darn holloween Joke I've seen this year.....

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.  The Mrs.. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.  He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
 
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. 

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.  She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. 

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished  , naturally, since he was her husband.  Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.     

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.     

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.  She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. 

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." 

"Did you dance much ?" 

"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
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« Reply #126 on: November 04, 2009, 07:30:00 PM »

Another from Pete Richardson:

This is such a beautiful story of a bagpiper who was late for a funeral.

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the   Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

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« Reply #127 on: November 05, 2009, 10:21:07 AM »

Why do cows wear bells ?......Because their horns don`t work.
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« Reply #128 on: November 10, 2009, 08:30:23 PM »

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints.

The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a
ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
 
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
story window 100 yards away.
 
KABOOM!
 
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
 
KA-BLOOEY!
 
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
 
BULLS-EYE!
 
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
 
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.
 
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
 
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
 
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"
 
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
 
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
pauses, and then tearfully says,
 
 
"I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans."
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« Reply #129 on: November 12, 2009, 10:34:34 AM »

Guy walks in to a bar grinning from ear to ear and orders a beer. Bartender asks what he`s so happy about and the guy says...." Well,   I live by the railroad tracks, And on my way here I found a beautiful blonde tied to the rails , just like in the movies. I cut the rope off and took her home and we had sex of every type you could imagine. On the counter, In the hall, standing, sitting ,kneeling, in the tub.......everywhere" Bartender asks "Was she pretty"? Guy says- " Don`t know......Didn`t find her head" evil
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« Reply #130 on: November 12, 2009, 10:56:11 AM »

"Joke"  tongue like that, Floyd, oughta get your comp license reduced at least two categories  rolleyes
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« Reply #131 on: November 12, 2009, 11:15:10 AM »

"Don`t know......Didn`t find her head"

Then how'd he know she was a blonde?

Oh, well, never mind.
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« Reply #132 on: November 12, 2009, 11:18:04 AM »

Ummm... Stan.... ummm.... how can I say this delicately?   Ummm... if you have to ask....   rolleyes  ummmm
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« Reply #133 on: November 12, 2009, 10:14:58 PM »

It's Friday in England already, Right?

 A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor
> comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you
> probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway..
> You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.....
> something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is,
> your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find
> it.'
>
> The man groans, but the doctor goes on,  'We have the technology now 
> to build you a new
> willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But
> the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
>
> The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to
> decide how many inches you want.. But it's something you'd better
> discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and
> you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if
> you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five
> incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that
> she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
>
> The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next
> day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
>
> 'I have,' says the man.
>
> 'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
>
> 'Yes, she has,' says the man.
>
> 'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
>
> 'We're getting granite countertops.'
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« Reply #134 on: November 13, 2009, 10:24:48 AM »

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out-of-townacquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.

The gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of Alabama .

 When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested,

"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said this fine example of Southern womanhood, "Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?" Our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.

When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

Oh my, goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did."

Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said with a small smile. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U- turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman woke up first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in  bed and with remorse thought, "What the heck have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said, "Why, the same thing I always tell them: You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
 



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Stainless
Red Hat 228.039, 2001, 65ci, MSA Bockscar Lakester with a little N20 
MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
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