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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 198556 times)
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #105 on: September 28, 2009, 12:02:02 PM »

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa.
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
   
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain.
With a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel.
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada.
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....An adventurous
spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran. 
Ruled by nuts

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Milwaukee Midget
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« Reply #106 on: September 28, 2009, 06:29:10 PM »

Mike, I'm dying here. grin 

Brilliant. cheers
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"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!
4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #107 on: September 28, 2009, 06:57:58 PM »

I got it from Pete Richardson, shudda put that in the joke.   rolleyes

Mike
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4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #108 on: October 04, 2009, 01:55:45 PM »

The Poor Old Cow!

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go to the farmhouse and explain what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me.

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

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« Reply #109 on: October 05, 2009, 07:22:51 AM »

Did you know that when a mountain climber dies on Mt. Everest, the body is left there for eternity? After a brief service the other climbers join hands and sing......................." Freeze a jolly good fellow"
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Stainless1
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« Reply #110 on: October 07, 2009, 09:42:18 AM »

sorry, it's not Friday...  rolleyes

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. 
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

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Stainless
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MSA Bockscar Lakester #1000 my fastest mile 245 and change, 84 ci turbobusa motor... but Corey's 233 MPH H/BFL record is still 3MPH faster than mine.
4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #111 on: October 07, 2009, 11:22:23 AM »

Exercise for people over 40

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side.
 
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
 
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.  Then try 50-lb. potato sacks.
 
Then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb.. potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.   (I'm at this level.)
 
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

 afro Mike
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« Reply #112 on: October 07, 2009, 11:44:38 AM »

The nun runs in to the Mother Superior complaining about the construction workers language.

The Mother Superior says it's ok if they call a spade a spade.

The nun says they didn't. They called it a f***ing shovel.
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Just remember . . . It isn't life or death.
It's bigger than life or death! It's RACING.
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« Reply #113 on: October 07, 2009, 02:23:45 PM »

Reminds me of the nun who tells Mother Superior that she picked up a case of syphilis on her trip to town. Mother says  " Thank heaven, I`m tired of 7-up" cheers
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« Reply #114 on: October 16, 2009, 06:32:38 PM »

sorry, it's not Friday...  rolleyes

That's okay - it's not Lent, either.
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"Problems are almost always a sign of progress."  Harold Bettes
Well, I guess we're making a LOT of progress . . .  rolleyes

We are NOT rebuilding . . . We are reloading.

GOD SAVE MG - The Queen can take care of herself!
4-barrel Mike
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« Reply #115 on: October 17, 2009, 10:56:03 AM »

Here is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
         
         If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
         If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
         If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
         If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
         If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
         If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
         If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and
          they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1      spending it at yard sales, or     
2      going to ball games, or     
3      spending it on prostitutes, or     
4      beer, or
5      tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

Conclusion:
 
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.
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« Reply #116 on: October 17, 2009, 12:01:45 PM »

Scads of Henni Youngman jokes:

Airline Jokes

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Doctor Jokes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Drunk Jokes

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Golf Jokes

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Hollywood Jokes

Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back "How about $20,000?" I said "I'll pay it!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

Homeless Guys Jokes

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Horse Race Jokes

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

THERE ARE A BUNCH MORE IF YOU ASK NICELY....
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« Reply #117 on: October 17, 2009, 12:09:57 PM »

Nicely, would you ask fasthonda for more jokes please?  grin

Lynda
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« Reply #118 on: October 17, 2009, 12:20:38 PM »

Still sufferin' from too much Birthday hilarity, huh, LYL?  Okay, here:

Horse Race Jokes

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Hotel Jokes

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Insults

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Introductions

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop The Music!!"

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Italian Jokes

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

Jewish Jokes

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

2 Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

Job Jokes

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
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2006 SCTA High Points Champeen
2006 Dirty "2" Wrench Of The Year
Bonneville "2" Club 2003
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Bonneville Records: G/GS, F/GS (Boy)  G/FS (Girl)
El Mirage Records: F/BFS, F/FS, F/GS, I/FS, I/GS, K/BGS
FIA Records A, II, 8
Unlimited License
300mph line qualified (305.129 best mile speed)
The older half of San Diego's Fastest Couple
2016 Man of Distinction Award
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« Reply #119 on: October 18, 2009, 11:23:40 AM »

Henny Youngman lives!

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ
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Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ
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