The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread

[USFRAMONTE]

That would freak me out if I saw it driving up ahead of me.

[floydjer]

What would freak you out Monte?? The truck being right side up for a change???......   ( Kidding...calm down) JB

[salt27]

So - you pull into the gas station after having a few beers - or maybe a bunch of beers.  You stop at one of the pumps and look over beside you -- and wonder if maybe you should have taken the pledge after all:

Must be an Australian import, when did Goggles get here.   

[bbarn]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?  We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't  know Jack Schitt!'  Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.   Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and  owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.  They had one son, Jack.

In  turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious  couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,  Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against  her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a  high school  dropout.

After  being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.  Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She  was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a  rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two  of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were  inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.  The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian  bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now  when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you  can  correct  them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

Is Jack Schitt any relation to Tuff Schitt?  

Tuff was a popular athlete until an admiring fan got in his face one day
and Tuff punched the idolizing fan causing his popularity to swiftly declined
(hence the ensuing expressions - when the Schitt hit the fan!-)

That’s what I heard anyway, I don’t really know Jack Schitt.

[Ron Gibson]

 I think Tuff was a grandson of Jacks by Giva's second marriage and his wife Igota Schitt.


Ron

[floydjer]

Or his second cousin the Minister....Holy s.......

[4-barrel Mike]

Pisa Schitt's Italian father, Tony, is an automobile manufacturer.  To honor his daughter's marriage, he renamed his vehicles: he now officially builds Schitt boxes.

Mike

[floydjer]

How do you catch an elephant??   First, Dig a big hole. Next, Line the hole with peas and fill it with ashes.  When the elephant stops to take a pea...Kick him in the ash hole.

[floydjer]

HAPPY JULY 4 EVERYONE.................. This  terrorist blows himself up and (somehow) ends up in heaven, Just as he clears the Pearly Gate,A large group of old white guys gather around him in a circle and George Washington walks over and kicks him in the nuts.  He crashes to the ground then Thomas Jefferson kicks him in the head and Alexander Hamilton starts wailing on him with a stick....The terrorist cries out " You cannot do this....where are my 72 virgins"??   George Washington smiles and says " Virgins??...No son..You get 72 VIRGINIANS"

[Ron Gibson]

 Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in > Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have > some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can!  Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the > Piggly Wiggly  grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made > a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset.  So we gave him his > two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

Limit all US politicians to two terms.


 One in office


Ron

 One in prison




 Illinois already does this.

[SaltRat]

Hi kids, this from a friend in Texas . . .yeah, it could happen.  You may have a favorite state to substitute for Arkansas . . .

   

      Lost in Arkansas
     
     Bob a young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

     Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmer’s house and decided this would be a good place to start.

     He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Jack) agreed to answer his questions.

     Bob asked farmer Jack what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Jack replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”;

     “I can’t print that,” said Bob the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Jack thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a real good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.”;

     Again Bob knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Jack, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”

   Farmer Jack hung his head and replied,“Well, I got lost once".

[4-barrel Mike]

Mike

[Speed Limit 1000]

Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man said, "Whatcha got there son?" Johnny said, "Got me some chicken wire." "Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son?" asked the old man. "Gonna catch me some chickens!" said Johnny. "You cant catch chickens with chicken wire!" said the oldster. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street. About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old mans front porch . . . with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes. About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old mans porch. "Whatcha got now son?" "Got me some duct tape." "And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?" the old man asked. "Gonna catch me some ducks!" "You cant catch ducks with duct tape!" said the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking. About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief. About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch. "Whatcha got now son?" asked the old man. Johnny said, "Got me some pussy willow." The old man said, "WAIT RIGHT THERE WHILE I GET MY SHOES!"

[floydjer]

Finally...I can post a joke that offends Nascar fans AND mentions one of my favorite bands...."What do Dale Earnhardt Sr. and Pink Floyd have in common???....They both had their last big hits with " The Wall"

[tauruck]

One day a man decided to retire...





He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his life, that is, until the ship sank.




He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts.






After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rowed up to the shore.




In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed
when my fishing boat sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if
I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down
island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used
the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after
a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.


Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a tree house.





While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says
casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another
drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would
you like a Jack Daniels neat?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories,
the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom
cabinet upstairs."


No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a
swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her
blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically
positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to
sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both
been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last
time you had a really good ride? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as
tears start to form in his eyes,

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 "You've built a Harley  ?"