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Author Topic: The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread  (Read 203512 times)
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manta22
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« Reply #555 on: July 11, 2013, 07:06:20 PM »

Reminds of the time I went to NAPA  to get a belt for the drill press..........." I need a v-belt in this width, Onlt 1 1/2 - 2 inches longer"   Counter guy " If you give me the make ,model and year...I can give you the exact replacement"   Me..." It`s a 1937 Atlas Model 324 drill press"     Counter guy..." How long did you need that" ?  Me (being my usual smart a$$ self)  " I`ll need it for a long time...It`s going on my drill press"

It's like asking for an endless belt, 28" long.... grin

Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ
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Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ
Seldom Seen Slim
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« Reply #556 on: July 12, 2013, 07:06:32 AM »

Q:  Why are there all of those people named "Widdison" in the phone book?

A:  Because they've all got telephones.
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Jon E. Wennerberg
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« Reply #557 on: July 12, 2013, 07:08:43 AM »

Wrong thread Jon.................................................. cheers
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Seldom Seen Slim
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« Reply #558 on: July 12, 2013, 09:16:43 AM »

Hunh?  What'd I do wrong? huh
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Jon E. Wennerberg
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« Reply #559 on: July 12, 2013, 09:48:00 AM »

well,...It`s friday and that joke was little on the.............................. cheers
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« Reply #560 on: July 12, 2013, 04:31:12 PM »

Perhaps if you diagram it  . . . ?
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« Reply #561 on: July 12, 2013, 07:03:19 PM »

I thought the diaphragm was for ladies that don't want to get pregnant, or is part of a speaker for the hi-fi.
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Jon E. Wennerberg
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« Reply #562 on: July 13, 2013, 11:45:21 AM »

no, isn't the diaphram in a lucas fuse to guarantee it leaks oil
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« Reply #563 on: July 13, 2013, 12:30:11 PM »

...Alexander Diaphram Bell Huh?
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« Reply #564 on: August 04, 2013, 10:09:48 AM »

A first grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal,

"Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry, after a moment "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Harry: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut" Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Harry: "Bubblegum" Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer... Harry: "Shake hands". Ms. Brooks: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?" Harry: "Yep". Ms. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do". Harry: "Tent" Ms. Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first". The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. Harry: "Wedding Ring" Ms. Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good". Harry: "Nose" Ms. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver". Harry: "Arrow" Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Fire truck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Harry to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
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John Gowetski, red hat @ 221.183 MPH MSA Lakester, Bockscar #1000 60 ci normally aspirated w/N20
Dean Los Angeles
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« Reply #565 on: August 07, 2013, 09:52:28 AM »

My wife calls me gullible and financially irresponsible.

HAH! I can't wait to see her face when she hears I won the Nigerian Lottery!
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Well, it used to be Los Angeles . . . 50 miles north of Fresno now.
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« Reply #566 on: August 12, 2013, 09:57:15 AM »

A Roman Soldier walks in to a bar, holds up two fingers and says " Five beers please"
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« Reply #567 on: August 12, 2013, 06:26:30 PM »

A dislexic man walked into a bra..................

My friend is addicted to brake fluid, he sez he can stop at any time
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« Reply #568 on: August 30, 2013, 10:55:06 PM »


A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
 
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

 
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly

embarrassed and moved to another table.

 
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and
 
said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.

I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
 
 
The guy then responded with a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH!"

 
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
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manta22
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« Reply #569 on: August 31, 2013, 12:07:10 PM »

A Roman Soldier walks in to a bar, holds up two fingers and says " Five beers please"

A Greek soldier walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says "I think you mean a "martini". The Greek soldier says "If I wanted two, I'd ask!"
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Regards, Neil  Tucson, AZ
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