The un-official Land Racing Joke Thread

[floydjer]

Well, I see the necrophelia joke went over big.................How about this one.   Two Irish women are digging potatoes when one says to the other...."This spud reminds me of my late husbands testicles"  Other lady says " Really.....They were THAT big"? First gal says " No...This dirty"

[fastesthonda_jim]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
 
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
 
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
 
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
 
ABBOTT: Mac?
 
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
 
ABBOTT: Your computer?
 
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
 
ABBOTT: Mac?
 
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
 
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
 
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
 
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
 
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
 
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
 
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
 
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
 
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
 
ABBOTT: Office.
 
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
 
ABBOTT: I just did.
 
COSTELLO: You just did what?
 
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
 
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
 
ABBOTT: Yes.
 
COSTELLO: For my office?
 
ABBOTT: Yes.
 
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
 
ABBOTT: Office.
 
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
 
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
 
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
 
ABBOTT: Word.
 
COSTELLO: What word?
 
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
 
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
 
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
 
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
 
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
 
ABBOTT: Money.
 
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
 
ABBOTT: Money.
 
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
 
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
 
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
 
ABBOTT: Money.
 
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
 
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
 
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
 
ABBOTT: One copy.
 
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
 
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
 
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
 
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
 
(A few days later)
 
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
 
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
 
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
 

[4-barrel Mike]

Another from Pete Richardson:

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming or universal health care?" and he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know Subaru?"

 

[Seldom Seen Slim]

>   Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.

> 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The  Stewardess looks at him and  says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion  allowed per  passenger.

>  2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to  the other and says, 'Dam!'

>  3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it  sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it,  too.

> 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'  The  other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm  positive.'

>  5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain  during a root  canal? His goal: transcend dental  medication.

>   6. A group of chess  enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the  manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.   
But why they  asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts  boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up  for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amahl.  The other goes to a family in  Spain; they name him Juan. Years later,  Juan sends a picture of  himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the  picture, she tells her husband she wished she also had a picture  of Amahl. 
 her husband responds,  'They're twins! If you've seen Juan,  you've seen Amahl.'

> 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival  florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the  good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged  the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade'  them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying  he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

> 9.  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which  produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate  very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he  suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile  mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And, finally, there was the person  who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one  of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

................30...............

I got these from a friend in Mensa.  Take 'em for what they're worth to you.

[Glen]

Sure will be glad when racing season starts, these jokes are not helping with LSR fever.

[landsendlynda]

Amen!! Glen   

Lynda

[fastesthonda_jim]

Mensa?  ANd that's the BEST they've got?

More like Densa (an actual group that pans Mensa) don't you think?

[McRat]

Hmmm...  That's an interesting thought.  Start a Densa' Chapter!  The hats will have propellers on the top and say Bubba Gump Shrimp Co...

[fastesthonda_jim]

Propellers with solar cells so at least some teeny, tiny part of our lives is green.  BTW for those who've been sniffing the Berryman's a llittle too long, here's a link

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Densa

[Seldom Seen Slim]

Jim, who said that's the best they've got?  Sorta jumping to a conclusion, aren't you?

[floydjer]

I read once that Mahatma Gandhi was in awful shape physically. All those years of bare-foot walking, bad diet and lack of dental care left him a................."Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis" (was it Ambrose Bierce that defined a pun as the lowest form of humor,especially if you didn`t say it first)?

[k.h.]

the smartest 2% of the population (the criteria for membership eligibility for Mensa)

That's one out of fifty people.  Not so special, really.  Though I do have my Mensa membership card in my wallet.  What's it good for?  Telling people you have it.

[floydjer]

Hmmm...  That's an interesting thought.  Start a Densa' Chapter!  The hats will have propellers on the top and say Bubba Gump Shrimp Co...

Pat, Try not to mention propellers....might conjure up an evil spirit. J.B.

[fastesthonda_jim]

MENSA card in your wallet, huh?  Sorta like a CB license (you do have a license to use your CB don't you?).  You send the FCC $4 and ALL they do is send you back is a "license" that basically says, "Thank you for your $4."

[McRat]

I wanted to join Mensa so I called them.  When I told them I race pickup trucks, the line went dead.  I guess they didn't pay their phone bill?