Stupid joke Friday

[Dean Los Angeles]

[4-barrel Mike]

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
 
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
 
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
 
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
 
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.  You don't have any milk.'
 
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!'

[floydjer]

The Judge said to me " You`re here today for public intoxication" And I said "Great!! When do we start"?

[SHughes]

A guy goes to Heaven & sees clocks all around & asks St. Paul what they're for. St. Paul says they show how many times someone has lied. He points at George Washington's and says, "It's only moved once, because he only lied once. & that is Mother Theresa's. It hasn't moved at all because she never lied." Guy asks, "What about President Obama?" St. Paul says, "His is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

[bbarn]

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the
cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The
cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more
impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have
to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.
 
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he
returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move the cowboy, but with no success.
 
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation
briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied....... "The balcony."

[4-barrel Mike]

From my crazy uncle in Red Bluff:

HER DIARY:

Dear Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster...


HIS DIARY:

My boat wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

[4-barrel Mike]

From my crazy uncle (an OLD guy  ) in Red Bluff:

An old guy was in Lowe's the other day, pushing his cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing his cart.  He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that.  I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't  paying attention to where I was going.."

The young guy says, "That's OK.  It's just a coincidence.  I'm looking for my wife, too.  I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.”

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other.  What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she’s 24 years old, tall, with  blond hair , green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.  What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, "Doesn't matter.  Let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that. 

Mike

[Gwillard]

An Amish family was on their first ever trip to the big city. While Ma and the girls went window shopping, Pa and his sone went to take a look inside a skyscraper. As they entered Pa watched an old, no-so-attractive, half-bald woman walk into an elevator. He watched as the door shut, then a minute later the door opened and out stepped a beautiful young woman all vibrant and full of energy. Another old woman went in, and a minute later another young lady walked out. The young boy tugged on Pa's arm and asked, "Pa, what IS that room??" Pa answered quietly, "I'm not 100% sure, son, but go git yer mother. QUICK!!"

[fastesthonda_jim]

DON'T tell Warner.  He'll have a conniption fit trying to figure out what class it belongs to.

Sorry if this isn't a joke.  More like a series of them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-Lnfpulwjc&feature=PlayList&p=4581B372D85A1E14&index=24&playnext=4&playnext_from=PL

[Glen]

Is that the real propster.

[floydjer]

Trying to summons the demon Glen?

[floydjer]

 A couple "be" lying in bed one night when a knock is heard at the door. Guy goes to the door and a really drunk guy asks if he can get a push. Home owner  declines and slams the door. Wife tells him to think back a few months when their car broke down and a nice person gave them a push. Guy puts on his clothes,shoes and hat, goes outside and yells to the drunk "Still need a push"? Drunks says he does. Guy says "Where are you"? Drunk says " Over here on the swing"

[Seldom Seen Slim]

Jerry, let's keep an eye out for incorrect verb tenses.  "A couple" is singular, so the verb should NOT be "are", but rather "is".  Thanks for your attention to this matter.

[Stan Back]

Jon --

How'd you know the couple were single.  I'd heard they were married (?).

Stain

[4-barrel Mike]

Stolen from another Mike, a Canadian, eh?

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations... She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:




















Always keep your condoms in your car..