Stupid joke Friday

[McRat]

I'm sure you've all heard this before, since it been in all the papers, but just in case:

Arthur is the security guard at Von's in Santa Ana.  Everyone loves Arty.
He's working Saturday afternoon and hears over the PA, "Code Red in produce, Code Red in produce!"
Code Red means they need security help pronto.
Arty goes to produce and sees two men raising a ruckus with each other...

"IT'S MINE!!!"
"NO IT AIN'T, I SAW IT FIRST!!!"

"What's the problem gentlemen, something I can help with?" asks Arty.

"A dollar fell out of my pocket, and this jerk picked it up and won't give it back!"
"YOU LIAR!!!  That dollar was just sitting there, and you were too stupid to pick it up, so it's mine!"

"You two will have to take your argument outside, you're scaring the customers" states Arty.

"I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!"
"ME NEITHER!"

Next thing you know, all three are fighting in produce, and Arty knows he's outnumbered, so he puts a choke hold on one combatant till he passes out, then the other.

The papers the next day all read:

ARTY CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR THIS WEEKEND AT VONS

[floydjer]

Do you know what happens when ducks fly up-side down?.....They quack up

[Kansas Bad Man]

 

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Eric, the 11 year old who lives next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.  Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.  As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"  He replied, "It was an ID 10 T error."  I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID 10 T error?  What's that?  In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID 10 T error before?"  "No," I replied.  "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down: IDIOT

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

[McRat]

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29913178/

Don't accept an invite to a BBQ from this guy...

[Seldom Seen Slim]

It's not a joke, per se, but the concept of this guy going in for a job interview does make me smile.  No, I laugh.  What would you do if your needed a new guy at the office and this walked into the interview office?

[A2WindTunnel]

Click on the link to watch this video... pretty funny..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpuuAa7gdE





.

[thrust39]

Warning guys, don't try this at home!!!

Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250
to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally,
he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she' s no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do
the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

[floydjer]

A dog walks in to a bar. His left front foot has a bandage wrapped around it. He leans on the bar and says......."I`m looking for the man that shot my paw"

[Uncle Jimbo]

Little Italian kid going to Confession


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with  a loose girl'.   

 The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey LaRusso  ?' 

'Yes, Father, it  is.'     

 'And who was the girl you were with?'
 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'       

 Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

 Was it Tina Minetti?'
 'I cannot say.'

 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
 'I'll never tell.'

 'Was it Nina Capelli?'
 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

 'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
 'My lips are sealed.'

 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

 The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey La Russo, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,  'What'd you get?'

4 months vacation and five good leads.     

[Uncle Jimbo]

Morris, an 82 year-old gentleman, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'     

[Dean Los Angeles]

A little boy walks up to the little girl and points to his and says, "I've got one of these and you don't."

The little points to hers and says, "I've got one of these. And with one of these I can get all of those that I want."

[Ron Gibson]

Two babies were lying in the the maternity ward at the hospital.
One asks the other "are you a girl baby or boy baby?"
She says " I'm a girl baby, what are you?"
He says "I'm a boy baby"
She says "how do you know that?"
He says "wait till this nurse leaves the room and I'll show you"
Shortly the nurse leaves the room.
He throws back the covers and says "See, BLUE Booties"

[Dean Los Angeles]

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[sabat]

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

LOL!!!!

[Seldom Seen Slim]

Once upon a time there was a guy that had an unusual attribute -- in that when he'd pass gas it  made a sound sorta like the noise of a motorcycle engine running.  He went to this doctor and that, trying different diets and new exercise programs and all sorts of stuff.  But now matter what he did -- when the urge to relax came upon him he'd emit a sound that sounded like a bike's motor slowing down on a corner.

Eventually one doctor told him "I can't figure it out, but I've got an acquaintance in the medical field that has been known to resolve mysterious ailments using ancient Far Eastern philosophy.  I'll make an appointment for you to see Doctor Chung, okay?"  The guy was willing, by this time, to try anything, so he goes to see this very old, very wise Chinese dentist.

The guy has been at the dentist's office for only a few minutes when the Doc asks the fellow to open his mouth.  He peers in for a little while, then says "Ah, so!  I see the problem!" and proceeds to prescribe a bit of medication for a swelling in the man's upper gum.

Two weeks later our poor flatulent fellow realises that he hasn't emitted a bike-like sound for days.  He's so pleased that he goes to visit Dr. Chung again so he can ask how the doctor figured out the problem. 

Upon being asked, the good doctor replies:  "Ah, ancient Chinese wisdom says "Abcess makes the fart go Honda!"