Stupid joke Friday

[LittleLiner]

Retired couple from Texas is driving through Nevada and stop for gas at a full service station.  The attendant comes over to the car and the conversation goes like this:

Husband:  “Fill it with regular.”
Attendant: “OK.  Do you want me to check under the hood?”
The wife is hard of hearing and says to the husband: “What did he say?” 
Husband: “He wants to check under the hood!” 
Wife: “Oh,  . . . OK”
Husband (to attendant): “My wife is a bit deaf.”
Attendant sees the license plates and says: “So I see you are from Texas.” 
Wife: “What did he say?”
Husband: “He asked if we were from Texas!”
Wife says “Oh, . . . OK”
Husband (to attendant): “Yeah we are on vacation from Fort Worth.”
Attendant: “You know I was once in Fort Worth about 30 years ago,. I met a gal at a bar.  We both got drunk and we went to a motel.  That had to be the absolute worst night I ever spent in my life.”
Wife: “What did he say?”
Husband:  “He says he thinks he knows you.”

[theazoldcrow]

Look back to the Samuri and the fly joke.    I think the last line was   "Aahh So,  Fry may fry,,,but, fry no fruck no mo"   (Don't mean to cap the joke, just being politicaly correct.     Crow

[aircap]

Loved the one about the drunk and Baptists....

[Dr Goggles]

Loved the one about the drunk and Baptists....

don't you mean the drunk and the Dunkards

[theazoldcrow]

  Now thats funny!   Crow

[floydjer]

Three moles are tunneling along when the first says..."I smell honey" A few minutes later the second one says  " I smell sugar"  The third mole says...." All I smell is mole-a$$es"

[McRat]

I need some serious man-to-man advice. 

My wife has been coming home late and acting funny lately.  She just started going to the gym, and she keeps talking about her personal trainer.  Jim, this, Jim that.

Well I let suspicion get the best of me.  I followed her to the gym.  After an hour, she came out with a man.  They got into his car and drove off.  I followed them to a house in Irvine.  They went into the house, then after a couple of minutes the lights went out.  I waited awhile, then decided to get out of my car and go peer in the window.  As I approached the house, the lights came on.  I ran back to my car and ducked down behind it. 

I looked at my door, and noticed a big scratch about a foot long in it, about .010" wide.  Just great.  What next??

So I'm really in a predictment.  What do I do?

Do you think it will buff out?  Or should I have the whole door repainted?

[Milwaukee Midget]

I need some serious man-to-man advice. 

My wife has been coming home late and acting funny lately.  She just started going to the gym, and she keeps talking about her personal trainer.  Jim, this, Jim that.

Well I let suspicion get the best of me.  I followed her to the gym.  After an hour, she came out with a man.  They got into his car and drove off.  I followed them to a house in Irvine.  They went into the house, then after a couple of minutes the lights went out.  I waited awhile, then decided to get out of my car and go peer in the window.  As I approached the house, the lights came on.  I ran back to my car and ducked down behind it. 

I looked at my door, and noticed a big scratch about a foot long in it, about .010" wide.  Just great.  What next??

So I'm really in a predictment.  What do I do?

Do you think it will buff out?  Or should I have the whole door repainted?

Have Jim buff it out.  He's a body man, right?

[Dean Los Angeles]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought be a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

[1212FBGS]

electricity is NOT your friend
 
AKA - Don't frigg with electric fences...

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, 
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in town. 

To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran 
a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest 
cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then 
used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. 

The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the 
better the fence works. 

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel 
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew 
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the 
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems 
as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. 

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand 
and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the 
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an 
upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first 
thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. 

My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing 
in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled 
over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with 
the engine. 

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower was fighting 
over who would control my electrical impulses. 

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to 
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of 
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back 
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there 
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was 
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning at 8 grand. 

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto 
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't 
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but 
Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that 
were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go 
of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through 
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking 
I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs 
out of gas. 

'Dodge!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the 
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run 
pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered 
in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please 
die ... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam 
idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor 
waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. 

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, and 
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take 
me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in 
the misery my own stupidity had created. 

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying 
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It 
was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead 
grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead 
spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on 
to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing 
had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically 
induced sleep I realized a few things: 

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek 
(not the left, just the right). 

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as 
you might think. 

4- My left eye will not open. 

5- My right eye will not close. 

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our 
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it 
was better than new after that. 

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot 
long. 

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of 
the number 4. (I still don't understand this!!!) 

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I 
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make 
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. 

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I 
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT 
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to 
triple check before I mow.

[McRat]

That reminds me, when you and some drunken friends make a bet that whizzing on an electric fence can't shock you, have someone else prove it.

It feels like someone kicked you in the nuts.

[McRat]

I need some serious man-to-man advice. 

My wife has been coming home late and acting funny lately.  She just started going to the gym, and she keeps talking about her personal trainer.  Jim, this, Jim that.

Well I let suspicion get the best of me.  I followed her to the gym.  After an hour, she came out with a man.  They got into his car and drove off.  I followed them to a house in Irvine.  They went into the house, then after a couple of minutes the lights went out.  I waited awhile, then decided to get out of my car and go peer in the window.  As I approached the house, the lights came on.  I ran back to my car and ducked down behind it. 

I looked at my door, and noticed a big scratch about a foot long in it, about .010" wide.  Just great.  What next??

So I'm really in a predictment.  What do I do?

Do you think it will buff out?  Or should I have the whole door repainted?

Have Jim buff it out.  He's a body man, right?

Good call! 

[Stainless1]

Had a hard time deciding if this should go here or the GM thread... 

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
     
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
     
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland'.

Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special airplane'.
     
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes'.
     
Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'
     
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
     
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your Acura from drowning!'

[floydjer]

One that will only make sense to Slim/.....Hank, Bill and Tom go fishing. After 19 beers too many ,Hank falls out of the boat. 20 min. later, Bill and Tom notice. They dive in and recover a limp,lifeless water logged body and start C.P.R. Bill says " Man, Never noticed Hank has such horrid breath"  Tom says.............." Breath? I didn`t even notice he was wearing a snowmobile suit in July"

[John Noonan]

Makes sense to me...